AnalyzationCommentary of TOS for KS
by Brittany Diamond
Summary: 2,000 reviews! While going through every ep top to bottom, I'll be looking for evidence that supports K/S and also discussing the evidence against it which, btw, there isn't much of. SLASH. Both humor AND truth! M for lang. AMOK TIME IS NOW UP!
1. 1x01 Where No Man Has Gone Before

**Everything You Need to Know Before Reading On (and some random points about this project)  
**

So what's the point of all this? Why am I analyzing and commenting on every episode of The Original Series? Well for one thing I like analyzing movies/tv that need it, I find it fun. And secondly, I'm a very firm believer in Kirk/Spock and I believe that there is more than enough evidence to support this. This is my attempt at compiling all of the evidence in TOS into one place.

NO, I will not be twisting events in TOS to suit my case of Kirk/Spock. I've found that a lot of people do this, and it hurts our case more than helps it. I will not look at a perfectly normal scene between the two and scream "SEE, RIGHT THERE, THAT WAS TOTALLY A MOMENT OF HOTNESS OMG LULZ." There's enough real evidence that supports K/S that I don't have to make any up. **I don't like the idea of Kirk and Spock and make up evidence, I like the idea of Kirk and Spock _because_ of the evidence.**

I also won't ignore evidence that challenges K/S, as many people seem to do. Everything that's canon will get it's due attention, which is why I'm analyzing ALL of the episodes.

This will also be of great help to the K/S fan who gets into one of those pesky debates with a non K/S fan. All of the evidence will be right here at their disposal. XD

Oh yeah, and this is meant to be fun for the reader. I'm not taking this project as 100% hardcore, must-be-serious-at-all-times kind of thing, hence the 'commentary' aspect. I am fully capable of poking lovingly at the series when it deserves it. We are talking about a science fiction tv show from the 60s, hilarity is inevitable.

I CAN, IN FACT, POST STUFF LIKE THIS. I did it with Labyrinth and had zero trouble. Just because it's not your traditional fic, doesn't mean I can be shut down.

The truth is in the analyzation, the humor is in the commentary.

I will go through all of the episodes in their entirety. This is so that people don't get lost in what's going on. I won't go into uber detail about every single little thing, but I'm not gonna leave gaps in the story either. Yay for balance. =D

Also, **before anyone comments about how I'm reading too much into things:** No, I'm not. Actually, if anything, I won't be going into enough detail. WHen it comes to good writing and acting, a LOT of thought goes into it. Neither endeavor is something that's just thrown down. Every little thing is considered and thought out. Most of the time it's things the audience would never pick up on, but need to be figured out anyway. I'm tired of hearing the "Pssh, you're just nitpicking to find shit." I'm not. And who has to nitpick? Us K/Sers are up to our eyes in evidence over here. Nitpicking is hardly neccesary.

What exactly makes me so darn special as to do all of this? Well I'm an actress for one, and a writer for second, which means I have not only studied what it takes for an actor to approach a role, but what a writer must do to create a character. Since the stuff we're dealing with here comes down to actors and the text itself, I figure that I've got a bit of a headstart. No, I'm not saying I'm the greatest actor and/or writer of all time, that would be ridiculous. Also, you don't have to be the best actor or writer on the planet in order to analyze.

****Now with all of the boring stuff out of the way, let's get down to the good stuff: Kirk and Spock's character study and undeniable (yeah that's right, I said UNDENIABLE and I can prove it) sexual tension. I say that Kirk and Spock had NUMEROUS moments of flirting and all out tension of both a ROMANTIC and SEXUAL nature. And it's not just in between the lines with subtext and telling looks, it's right there in the TEXT itself. It's canon. As I will explain…

*^*^*^*^*^*^My comments will look like this:_ (((blah blah witty things and insights here)))_

Off we go!

**Episode One: Where No Man Has Gone Before**

The Enterprise has received a recorded distress signal from a ship that has been missing for two centuries and had probed outside of Earth's galaxy. What was the Enterprise getting ready to do? Probe outside Earth's galaxy. Small universe.

_(((I wonder how long it'll take for us to get to some Kirk/Spock goodness.)))_

Kirk and Spock are playing a game of multi-level chess.

_((( XD )))_

At least they WERE playing multi-level chess. Kirk is staring at a display monitor at the moment, not paying attention.

"You're move, Captain." Spock says with a smile.

_(((We all know Spock as the straight faced Vulcan, but this early on in the show he wasn't quite there yet so the fact that he's smiling isn't terribly interesting. What IS interesting is that he's smiling while Kirk is turned away. Right off the bat, we've got a clue.)))_

_(((Oh, and take a look at the hi-larious uniforms they have on. Tan turtlenecks, and is that….velour? Oh dear. And Spock's eyebrows? Wow.)))_

Kirk is still staring at the monitor, still speaking in a kind of hypnotic tone, "Should've intercepted by now. Bridge said they'd call."

"I'll have you check mated your next move." Spock claims confidently.

Now THIS catches Kirk's attention, and he looks at Spock.

_(((It's clear with Spock's tone that he knew exactly what he was saying, and the effect it would have. These guys are clearly close.)))_

Kirk smiles widely, and keeps smiling as he says, "Have I ever told you that you play a very irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?"

Spock doesn't miss a beat, "Irritating? Ah yes, one of your earth emotions."

Kirk makes his move, and Spock's face falls. He was clearly not expecting that move. Kirk sees Spock's reaction and smiles slyly.

"You sure you don't know what irritation is?" Kirk jabs playfully.

Spock takes his turn as he says, "The fact that one of my human ancestors married a human female-"

"Terrible, having bad blood like that," Kirk teases.

The ship's navigator chimes in from the bridge then, and gets both Kirk and Spock's attention.

_(((Well now, they certainly hit the ground running. From a scene less than a minute long they've given a shit ton of info. Spock isn't supposed to register emotion but (alas!) he's half human, they're familiar enough to play chess and tease each other, and they clearly enjoy each other's company. They're also playing chess. They're not talking sports, they're not talking chicks (HA), they're playing a highly strategic game. These guys are intellectuals. We've got also got our first slashy hint: Look at Kirk's face during the exchange, Kirk is always grinning his ass off. When else does he grin his ass off? When he's SEDUCING someone. Who does he smile at one helluva lot? SPOCK. This is one hint of many at their flirty relationship. Yeah, that's right. FLIRTY. Imagine this scene played out between a man and a woman. Illuminating, no?)))_

_(((Where were we? Ah yeah, the navigator insisted on moving the plot forward.)))_

So the navigator tells Kirk that they've reached the ship that was sending a distress signal (The Valiant), and it's uber small. Small enough to beam aboard. Kirk says to do just that, and the next thing we know we're in the transporter room. Valiant is beamed aboard, and the poor thing looks like it's had a rough couple of centuries. Turns out it's a disaster recorder that was jettisoned from the ship that probed outside Earth's galaxy 200 years ago. It starts transmitting and it's top lights up, which apparently is cause enough for a big swell in dramatic music, a red alert, and the title intro.

_(((Right when it was getting insanely tense, yes I know.)))_

Aaaaand we're back. Kirk and Spock calmly walk to the elevator and at the last second Gary Mitchell hops in with them. Gary asks if they finished the game of chess.

Spock is the one to answer, "He played most illogically. His next move should've been the rook."

_(((By the way Spock steps forward as he says this, it's clear that he's still agitated. I love how they showed illogic beating logic right off the bat, it serves one of the general messages of the show that intuition wins out. One of the lynch pins of this series is the metaphor of Kirk and Spock's positions on the ship. Kirk (the intuitive, emotional one) is the leader, while Spock (the logical one) is the right hand man. Both vital, but intuition leads.)))_

They get to the bridge and find…a whole lot of nothing waiting for them. Kirk speaks to the crew and tells them (but mostly the audience) that they're hoping to find out what the Valiant was doing there and what destroyed the vessel.

The department heads drop in and Kirk addresses them, but not before he gets a pretty girl's name wrong when he asks her to move.

_(((My, how attentive he seems to a very pretty blonde. And by 'attentive' I mean 'completely oblivious.' She could've been a chair as far as he seems concerned.)))_

Speaking of pretty blondes, Kirk meets a new one. The show's first Dame of the Hour, Dr. Dehner, the new psychiatrist for the ship. ::Sigh:: The hero of the show meets a pretty girl. Romantic music, googly eyes, and undeniable electricity…are nowhere to be found. At all. She states her purpose (observing crew reactions in emergency conditions) and he acknowledges the fact that she moved her lips and words came out. Then Spock speaks up with news, and Kirk walks away.

_(((It's about as sexually titillating as a dead rhino.)))_

_(((We've just seen Kirk interact with two very attractive ladies in the span of thirty seconds and he's all business. Spock, on the other hand, got 1,000 watt grins from the get go. Is that concrete evidence that they're doin' it like they do on the Discovery channel? Not at all. It's just an interesting detail. There are a lot of those.)))_

Gary tries his luck with Dehner, who takes no time in telling him to get bent. Then Spock gets a breakthrough with the recorder.

Spock (listening to the Valiant's tapes): "Getting something from the recorder now."

Dehner: "If there was an emergency I'd be interested in how that crew reacted."

Kirk turns and looks in her direction as if to say "Oh, was she talking?"

_(((I'm not kidding. Look at it. It's like he forgot she existed the second he walked away.)))_

Long story short, Spock says it sounds like the ship encountered some unknown force.

_(((Yeah…they better get used to that.)))_

Spock: "Now. Orders. Counter orders. Repeated urgent requests for information from the ships computer records for anything concerning ESP in human beings."

Kirk: "Extra-sensory perception?"

_(((No, Kirk, Eliminating Sexy Possums. If it wasn't the 60s, when people probably needed that stuff clarified, I'd laugh at you.)))_

Kirk: "Dr. Dehner, how are you on ESP?"

Dehner: "In tests I've taken my ESP was rather high."

Kirk: "I'm asking what you _know_ about ESP."

_(((High ESP? Possibly. High IQ? Not so much.)))_

Etc etc, Spock hears something that sounded like the captain of the Valiant giving orders to destroy his own ship. OoOoOOoO, cue suspenseful music. Why would a captain order his own ship destroyed? No clue, that's what the next 43 minutes are for.

Kirk decides to continue with the probe as planned and the Enterprise leaves the galaxy.

A purple force field comes into view then, and it's coming up fast. Spock yells out some orders while Kirk broods quietly. Deflectors say there's something there, sensors say there isn't.

_(((Equipment giving confusing readings? Better get used to that, too.)))_

The Enterprise flies into the big purple force field and the lights go off on the bridge. The force field turns red and starts flashing, but it's when parts of the bridge's control panels starts blowing out and caching fire that things get crazy. Amidst all of the shit hitting all of the fans, Dehner gets zapped in the head, and soon Gary gets the same treatment. Then the ship pulls out of the force field.

Kirk sees Dehner on the ground and goes to her side.

_(((This isn't a romantic gesture, he just has a SOUL.)))_

Then Kirk hears that Gary is in the same condition and moves to go to his side as well, but Spock gently stops him by catching his forearm.

_(((And when I say 'gentle' I mean 'gentle.' Unless it's a drastic situation, they have a gentle way of making contact that is not, as they say, 'butch.' Are they pansies? No. Do they have a way of making contact that's more intimate than normal? Yup.)))_

Spock gives Kirk a little 411 (everything is shit and there's nine people dead), and Kirk kneels down next to Gary. When Gary turns over we see that his eyes are completely silver, but he says he feels fine.

Cut to a little while later as Kirk logs everything wrong with the ship. Basically it's all but fucked. They're traveling on impulse power and the crew seen on the bridge is piecing it all back together. Kirk tells us that the big question now is: What happened to the Valiant after they pulled through the weird energy field?

Kirk is walking around the bridge and ends up near Spock, who's sitting at his station and going through information on his console, namely the ESP ratings of Dehner and Gary. Dehner's is high, but Gary's is higher.

Spock and Kirk look at each other for a brief moment, but it's not a 'trading glances' look (as in they weren't reacting to the information they had just read). The eye contact was accidental, but held for a split second. This happens a lot in developing attraction stories, and it happens a lot to Kirk and Spock.

_(((Is that the most overtly HOLY CRAP THEY WANT EACH OTHER moment in all of history? Of course not. But it does help to get the ball rolling a little. And no, I'm not thinking about it too hard. This amount of detail, and so much more, is thought of by writers and actors. This kind of small moment probably wasn't written in, it was most likely found by the actors.)))_

Dehner comes in and gives her report on Gary's status, as well as hers (they're feeling fine, but yeah those eyes are weird) and she gets a shot to truly showcase her idiocy. Kirk says that her ESPER rating is high, but Gary's is higher, suggesting that there could be danger there. Dehner offers the brilliantly DENSE argument in a snipefest with Spock that ESPERS 'are simply people with flashes of insight' and there's absolutely no danger. Spock puts her in her place but quick, and when Kirk has heard enough he jumps in on Spock's side.

_(((One more time with feeling: High ESP? Yes. High IQ? Fuck no.)))_

Cut to Kirk visiting Gary in the sick bay. This convo deserves close examination.

Gary is reading, but decides to turn on his side and rest. Kirk enters quietly.

"Hello, Jim," Gary says, smiling as he feels Kirk's presence.

_(((What's interesting to the plot is that Gary's could tell it was Kirk without looking, which is kind of creepy. What's interesting to their relationship is that Gary smiled so brightly. These guys work together, they see each other all the time, so seeing each other now isn't a big deal. So why the smile? Hm…what kind of feeling makes people smile like that? The mind reels.)))_

Kirk is caught off guard by Gary knowing it's him without looking and says nothing. Gary, still smiling his head off, looks at Kirk.

"Hey, you look worried," Gary says.

_(((Gary's tone was also very telling. People don't take that kind of fondly concerned tone with just anyone.)))_

Kirk grins, then drops this bomb, "I've been worried about you since that night on Deneb 4."

_(((DO WHAT NOW??? Wtf happened on Deneb 4? His choice of words is pretty in-your-face too. 'That night' implies something completely different than 'that time' or 'that day.' If a writer gives that to an actor, it's a clear indication that something personal happened. I mean come on, we've all heard the phrase 'About last night…')))_

Gary laughs softly, then says "Yeah, she was nova, that one. Not nearly as many after effects this time. Except for the eyes, they kind of stare back at me when I'm shaving."

_(((Okay okay, put on the brakes a bit. So, ultimately, Kirk was referencing some crazy chick that Gary had something to do with. Granted, all Gary calls her is a 'nova,' but we're naturally meant to assume that he had some romantic involvement with her. Does he ever say that? Nope. And there's a pretty big beat between Kirk's line and Gary's response. It's like Kirk dangled the possibility out there, and then Gary mentioned a woman. Keep in mind that this is the sixties, if Gary had said something like "Yeah, we went crazy on each other didn't we?" or "Man you had a big dick." The show would've been killed in a heartbeat. The name of the game is 'hiding everything right in front of your face.' It's a game this show plays verrrrry well.)))_

Kirk asks him how he's feeling, Gary says fine, then its his turn to bring up the past.

"Hey man, I remember you at the Academy," Gary says, putting his arms behind his head and smiling fondly, "A stack of books with legs. The first thing I ever heard from an upperclassman was 'Watch out for Lt. Kirk. In his class you either think or sink."

_(((Again, what would you be thinking if this was between a man and a woman? Exactly.)))_

_(((We also get the bit of info that Kirk is a very, very intelligent guy. He was not only 'a stack of books with legs' but he freaking TAUGHT at the Academy. He's a braniac. A brave, handsome, braniac that's driven by emotion who is currently smiling his head off. And when does he smile? When he flirts. This is clearly, clearly evident in episodes to come when he's trying to woo chicks (something he does 9 times out of 10 as a means of getting something else, like information).)))_

Kirk smiles, remembering, "I wasn't that bad, was I?"

_(((Awww, our wittle Kirk is embarrassed. This is the moment when the boy compliments the girl and the girl gets all flattered and goes "Oh I was NOT, teeheehee." Only in this case it's two men…and yet it's still happening.)))_

"If I hadn't aimed that little blonde lab technician at you…" Gary trails off.

Then we hear about how Gary apparently set up Kirk with a chick so he'd be distracted from classes and how Kirk almost married her.

_(((Oh well then, Kirk has almost married a chick. He MUST be straight! After all, bisexual men always know they're bisexual, they don't have to figure it out or anything. And they most certainly have never figured it out in the middle of their life. ::Rolls eyes::)))_

Kirk sees what Gary's been reading.

"You? Spinoza?" Kirk says softly, with –another– smile.

_(((There you go with that intimate tone again, Kirk. Keep it in your pants for two seconds man, geez.)))_

Gary says he's ready for work, Kirk says he'll have Dehner keep an eye on him. Gary's obviously not too much of a Dehner fan.

_(((Neither are we, Gary.)))_

"Consider it a challenge," Kirk says.

_(((Well well WELL, this is very interesting. Could Gary later woo Dehner just to prove to Jim that he can? Considering Gary and Dehner's odd romantic arc, it's most certainly possible. Oh Roddenberry, there you go hiding it out in the open again.)))_

"That doesn't seem very friendly," Gary answers seriously.

_(((Uh, whoa there Gary. You and Kirk apparently did that kind of thing all the time back in the day, why is it so 'unfriendly' now?)))_

_(((So what exactly am I trying to say about Kirk and Gary? They were obviously pals back in the day, before Kirk realized he didn't only dig chicks, and now Kirk clearly has a thing for Gary, and it looks like Gary has a thing for Kirk too. Alas, Gary's turning into a super being now so that kind of ruins that. And besides, this is Kirk and Spock's story.)))_

Next we see Kirk on the bridge. Spock is watching Gary in his room, and Gary's reading a lot faster now than he was a moment ago.

_(((Oh la la! Spock, you eavesdropping little FIEND! Gary was reading before Kirk visited, then started up again after. Spock all but flat out stated 'Hey, I watched your entire conversation.)))_

Cut to a bit later. Dehner is in the room with Gary now, and kind of an odd scene takes place. They're still chilly with one another, then Gary shows off his power as he makes himself flatline, then come back to life a second later. While he was out she leaned over him, and now with her so close he seizes the day and starts touching her gently.

_(((At this point we can tell that's he playing a game rather than showing genuine interest. Since she lets him, it seems to be working.)))_

Dehner tests his abilities by asking him to recall a specific page of a book he just read, and he does. Then Gary pulls her close to tell her that the page of the book she had him recite was a passionate love poem.

"How do you feel doctor?" he asks, "_How do you feel_?"

_(((Whoa, ease up on the Creep Factor there, Gary.)))_

She replies with, "I just fell, nothing happened."

_(((Ahhhh, so he was asking her if she'd felt any certain powers.)))_

"Are you sure?" he asks in a whispery voice, pulling her closer, "_Are you sure_?"

Dehner is clearly resisting him. She's very tense.

_(((Yeah, this is a real love scene alright. And by 'love scene' I mean 'creepfest.')))_

Then some random guy named Lee comes in, coughs awkwardly to break up whatever the hell is going on, and says that it's his lunch break so he just stopped by to see how Gary was.

_(((Who the hell is Lee, and why is he taking time from his lunch break to see Gary???)))_

Lee steps into the room, obviously disturbed by Gary's silver eyes.

Gary smiles and says, "Don't let the light in my eyes bother you, pal, they're all for our good looking lady doctor here."

Lee laughs a little like Gary had just made a joke, "Yeah, sure."

_(((Okay…let's back this Gay Train up a sec. Lee comes in from his lunch break, interrupting a very awkward seduction attempt, to see how Gary is doing. Gary says he has eyes for the doctor. Lee laughs at Gary's joke. DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A PICTURE??? I didn't change a thing either, it's all right there in Technicolor.)))_

Gary gives Lee advice about the ship's repair that Lee doesn't take seriously until Gary snaps at him.

Cut to Lee in a meeting with the ship's department heads (including Spock and Kirk) telling them that Gary was, somehow, right. Dehner comes in later, saying that she had been fascinated by Gary, er…Mr. Mitchell.

Spock is quick to point out that they're interested in what Gary is mutating into than Gary himself.

Dehner is quick to get vicious, saying to Spock, "I know those from your planet aren't supposed to have feelings like we do, Mr. Spock, but to talk that way about a man you've worked next to for years is-"

"That's enough, doctor," Kirk interrupts firmly.

_(((Behold, the first time Kirk jumps in to defend Spock, and he does it pretty darn quickly too.)))_

"I don't think so," Dehner calmly snipes back at Kirk, "I understand you least of all. Gary told me that you've been friends since you joined the service, that you asked for him aboard your first command."

_(((Now THERE'S an interesting bit of information, for those keeping track.)))_

Kirk puts Dehner in her place but quick, and then tells Spock to continue. From there, Dehner is questioned about Gary's growing powers until she finally loses it.

Dehner: "Don't you understand?! A mutated, superior man could also be a wonderful thing! The forerunner of a new and better kind of human being!"

_(((Bitch. Is. Retarded.)))_

Nobody says anything for a moment, probably to keep themselves from ROFL.

Shortly thereafter, Kirk dismisses the meeting and everybody leaves.

Everybody, that is, except for Spock. He starts to leave, stops, then turns to the captain.

_(((Oooo, Spock, do tell. What's on your mind?)))_

Spock advises Kirk to leave Gary on Delta Vega, a nearby deserted planet that only has a mine on it's surface. Kirk is instantly combative.

"If you mean strand Mitchell there, I won't do it!" Kirk snaps, "Station is fully automated, even the ore ships call once every twenty years."

"You have one other choice," Spock calmly points out, "Kill Mitchell while you still can."

Kirk absorbs what has just been said, then quietly commands, "Get out of here."

Spock doesn't obey, doesn't move, he just keeps talking, "It is your only other choice, assuming you make it while you still have time."

"Will you try for one moment to feel?" Kirk says, "At least act like you've got a heart."

_(((OUCH, Kirk. OUCH. Especially since you just defended Spock on that exact point not two minutes ago.)))_

Kirk's voice softens, "We're talking about Gary."

_(((God I bet Kirk's arm is tired, what with all of this torch carrying going on.)))_

Spock keeps at it by saying, "The Captain of the Valiant probably felt the same way, and he waited too long to make his decision. I think we've both guessed that."

Kirk doesn't say anything for a second, but it's clear he knows that Spock is right.

"Set course for Delta Vega," Kirk orders.

_(((Spock – 1. Kirk – 0.)))_

_(((Gee, what other time does Spock tell Kirk that someone he cares for has to die? Could it be from The City on the Edge of Forever, when Spock tells him that Edith __needs to die for the sake of history? What an interesting parallel, eh? And that 'romantic arc' wasn't nearly as substantial, but I'll save that for that episode.)))_

After Kirk once again restates what everyone's planning to do next for the people in the cheap seats, we're back in Gary's room in sickbay. Kirk, Spock and Dehner enter just in time to see Gary make a cup of water fly into his hand. Long story short: Gary can move shit and read minds now and he knows what's going on. He electrifies Kirk, then electrifies Spock when he tries to attack as well.

_(((Might I point out that Spock tries to make a dive for Gary, instead of just reaching for his gun, which would've been more logical. Spock reacted emotionally.)))_

They manage to hold Gary down while Dehner gives him a tranquilizer.

Next we see Kirk wrangling Gary into the transporter room, where Gary's hit with another dose of tranquilizer.

So what does a man with two shots of a tranquilizer do? Why, he stands in place all on his own while he's beamed down to Delta Vega, that's what!

They arrive on the planet's surface, and Gary is taken to a holding cell.

Behold! The worst line of the episode!!

Dehner (looking out at the planet): "There's no soul on this planet but us?"

Kirk: "Nobody but us chickens, doctor."

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk, Spock and Dehner go to talk to Gary. Gary gets all wound up and walks into the force field that's keeping him captive, then he does it again just for kicks and is thrown backward. His eyes lose the creepy silvery coating.

"Jim," Gary says quietly. His tone is emotional, as is his expression.

They figure out the obvious: Hurting Gary significantly causes the God-like being to go away for a while, making him vulnerable. But then the silver comes back. Well shit.

Meanwhile, back on the ship, Scotty is finishing up the repairs. He tells Kirk as much via communicator, then asks if Spock got the phaser rifle he sent down.

Kirk is clueless until Spock comes around the corner carrying said rifle. There's a tense moment of silence. They both know what the rifle is for. Kirk hangs up on Scotty and slaps the communicator down. He is clearly upset.

Spock: "He tried to get through to force field again. His eyes changed back faster, he didn't become as weak."

Kirk: "Dehner feels he isn't that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?"

_(((Kirk is grasping at straws now, you can tell by his words and his tone.)))_

Spock: "Because she feels. I don't. All I know is logic. In my opinion we'll be lucky if we can repair this ship and get away in time."

_(((Spock – 2. Kirk – 0.)))_

We come back from commercial to see most of the landing party beaming back up to the ship while Kirk, Spock and Dehner are at Gary's cell. Dehner is watching Gary just stand in his cell with a hypnotic, damn near aroused, expression.

Dehner: "He's been like that for hours now."

_(((This line is the sexiest of the show, simply because of how she says it. She's totally on his side now, it's obvious.)))_

Gary uses his powers to strangle poor Lee (who's waiting by the oh-shit-let's-blow-everything-up-button in the other room), then he electrocutes Kirk and Spock again, this time knocking them out. Gary turns off the force field with his mind and shows Dehner her reflection, she's got the ol' silver in the eyes now too.

Cut to later. Kirk and Spock are still out cold on the floor. The doctor swings by and wakes up Kirk. When the doctor goes to revive Spock, Kirk stops him and tells him to wait until he's gone. The doctor tells him the direction Gary and Dehner headed off to, and Kirk goes after them alone.

_(((Kirk knew that if Spock was awake before he left, he'd insist on going with him. Kirk clearly didn't want to put him in danger like that. It's really sweet, actually, and brave. 'Foolish, but fearless' is basically Kirk's slogan.)))_

Kirk chases after the God-like beings, the God-like beings perform miracles, then Gary tells Dehner to go to Kirk to see how pathetic mere humans really are.

She appears to Kirk, who now has a chance to state the numerous points of the episode with vigor and passion.

Dehner: "Before long we'll be where it would've taken mankind millions of years of learning to-"

Kirk: "And what will Mitchell learn when getting there? Will he know what to do with his power? Will he acquire the _wisdom_?"

_(((Point 1: The path to obtaining knowledge is just as important as the knowledge itself.)))_

Dehner: "Please go back while you still can."

Kirk: "Did you hear him joke about compassion? Of all else a God needs compassion. Mitchell!"

_(((Point 2 is pretty obvious.)))_

Dehner: "What do you know about Gods?"

Kirk: "Then let's talk about humans. About our frailties. As powerful as he gets he'll still have all of that inside of him."

_(((Point 3: However strong/smart/powerful a human may be, they're still human.)))_

Dehner: "Go back!"

Kirk: "You were a psychiatrist once. You know the ugly, savage things we keep buried that none of us dare expose. But he'll dare. Who's to stop him, he doesn't need to care."

_(((Point 4: Without our sanity to keep the beasts within us all in check, there's chaos.)))_

Then Gary shows up.

Behold! The first ever pointless tuck and roll of the series!

Well Gary's not a very nice God, so he makes a grave with a headstone for Kirk and then forces Kirk to pray to him. This gives Kirk a chance to say the 5th and final point of this episode to Dehner.

Kirk: "Do you like what you see?! Absolute power corrupting absolutely!!"

_(((Point 5…self explanatory. Big stuff for a 60s t.v. pilot.)))_

Dehner FINALLY gets it and attacks Gary with electricity. The Gods attack each other for a second, then they stop and Gary's eyes go back to normal.

A fight between Kirk and Gary ensues.

Behold! The first pointless torn shirt of the series!

_(((Mmm…sexy Kirk shoulder.)))_

Well Gary's power comes back too quickly so Kirk has to trap Gary in the grave by creating a landslide with the rifle. Then he goes to Dehner's side and she dies. He's kinda sad.

_((('Cause he has a SOUL.)))_

Cut to later, on the bridge. The pilot ends with this little exchange between Kirk and Spock:

"He didn't ask for what happened to him," Kirk muses aloud.

"I felt for him too," Spock admits.

Kirk looks over at Spock, who is still staring ahead, and grins ever so slightly before saying, "I believe there's some hope for you after all, Mr. Spock."

Kirk looks ahead again. Spock looks over at Kirk. Kirk looks over at Spock. They hold eye contact for a moment. They both look ahead. Spock grins every so slightly.

_(((Oh my, they are really good at packing so much into what looks like so little._

_#1. Spock admits to feeling. This, as we all know, is HUGE. We can also tell that this is a direct response to Kirk's insults from earlier._

_#2. Kirk grins to show how affected he is by Spock's admittance. There's something else going on, too. If it was simply a matter of "Hey, my friend has emotions!" He would have treated the moment differently, possibly in a more extroverted way if the actor so chose._

_#3. "I believe there's some hope for you after all, Mr. Spock." This line states the obvious, but also implies that there's hope for something more, especially with the way the line delivered._

_#4. Eye contact. They find themselves in a moment yet again, only this time it's more pronounced, and it's no accident._

_#5. Spock smiles just as slightly as Kirk does, and in the same way. They're both speaking the same thing._

_If this took place between a man and a woman, it would be PAINFULLY obvious that the series is setting up for them to be the main romantic interest. This is the pilot, after all, and the pilot is always supposed to give you a taste of everything the show is about. Mission accomplished.)))_

***Alrighty then, what's the score so far?

Times a God-like entity is featured: 1

Times Kirk resists/ignores a pretty lady when he has no reason to: 1

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt: 1

Pointless Rolls: 1

I'm keeping track of more than that, but instead of listing everything every time I'm just tossing up the ones featured in the episode.

And we're off!!


	2. 1x02 The Corbomite Maneuver

**Season One, Episode Two: The Corbomite Maneuver**

At the top of the episode, we see Spock in command as the Enterprise is on a star mapping mission. He's giving orders, making decisions, all in all very comfortable. Mr. Bailey comments that surely there are star maps of this area of space, but Spock corrects him. The Enterprise is the first to get this far.

_(((This isn't the last time Bailey is corrected. Poor guy has quite an episode in store for him.)))_

Sulu reports that they have an object moving towards them, but it's too far away to see. They're on a collision course with the object and, to no surprise, try to change that fact. But when they adjust, it adjusts. Spock orders a full stop, and the thing is still coming.

Now they can start to see it. It gets closer and closer, and when it comes into full view it looks like that old school screen saver with the constantly morphing shape that would bounce off the edges of the screen (only it doesn't morph)…but they wouldn't know about that.

_(((The object apparently brings suspenseful, curious music with it too. It sounds vaguely Danny Elfman-esque, which always makes me happy.)))_

So it keeps getting closer, and Spock orders to go ahead slowly and try to steer around it. Well the they do that, but the damn thing keeps getting in the way like a bully in Jr. High.

"It's blocking the way!" Bailey exclaims.

"Quite unnecessary to raise your voice, Mr. Bailey," Spock calmly chides.

Well since the thing won't move Spock orders an alert and Sulu calls Kirk to the bridge.

_(((Where the hell has Kirk been this whole time? I'm glad you asked, and you'll be glad to find out if you're attracted to male human beings.)))_

When we get back from commercial we're treated to Kirk in the sickbay on a somewhat ridiculous exercise machine, working up a sweat with no shirt on. He complains about being tired, but McCoy keeps him going. McCoy also notices that the alert light is flashing, but he makes a point to NOT tell Kirk.

_(((The alert is silent in sickbay, for some reason. Maybe they have it that way in purpose to avoid disrupting patients? Who knows.)))_

Kirk finally finishes the physical exam and sits up. He notices the alarm and immediately calls Spock on the bridge. He's picked up his shirt at this point…and put it around his neck. When he's done talking with Spock he picks up another shirt…and puts it around his shoulders. He's still very much half naked.

_(((And sweating. Let's not forget the glistening aspect.)))_

He strolls out into the hall as McCoy delivers a line pretty close to what his character becomes famous for.

McCoy: "What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?!"

_(((Love McCoy, the snarky bastard. XD)))_

And in one of my favorite shots in all of Star Trek history: Kirk strolls casually, and confidently, down the hall way and to the elevator. He's still half naked. He gets to the elevator and starts heading up to the bridge. He checks in with Spock while he's en route and hears that he has a little time so he decides to go change first.

_(((He was gonna go to the bridge HALF NAKED?!?! I'm not complaining, but still…that would've been…interesting…)))_

Meanwhile, on the bridge, Spock and Bailey have this little conversation:

Spock taps on Bailey's console.

Spock is stating the obvious, "All decks have reported green, Mr. Bailey."

"Yes, sir," Bailey replies, a little annoyed.

Spock is still giving orders he should already know, "And when the captain arrives he'll expect a full report on-"

"The cube's range and position" Bailey interrupts, "I'll have it by then. Raising my voice back there doesn't mean I was scared and couldn't do my job. I happened to have a human thing called an adrenaline gland."

_(((Wow, did a newbie just jab Spock? Stupid boy.)))_

Spock doesn't even have to think for a second, "Does sound most inconvenient however I'd consider having it removed."

And Spock walks off like it wasn't even a blip on his radar.

_(((Love Spock, the snarky bastard.)))_

Meanwhile, back in Kirk's room, the man is FINALLY getting a shirt on as he calls Spock for an update, then heads to the bridge. Here's what's going on with the mysterious cube: Nothing. No sign of life, no demands, it's a freakin' cube. Kirk fields opinions from his department heads and they have no idea either. Bailey, however, does have an idea and he decides to chime in.

"Sir, we just gonna let it hold us here?" Bailey asks, "We have phaser weapons. I vote we blast it.

Kirk responds easily, "I'll keep that in mind, Mr. Bailey…when this becomes a democracy."

_(((KIRK BURN. That's what, the third time Bailey's been put in his place? We're not even at the ten minute mark yet. It's not that he's an arrogant prick, he's just wet behind the ears when it comes to this kind of stuff. Plus he's young, so some degree of stupidity is a given.)))_

_(((Love Kirk, the snarky bastard.)))_

Cut to later. Well now they've been stuck for eighteen hours with no changes. Everyone is sitting around the conference room, bored stiff. Spock decides to speak up with a couple of ideas.

Spock: "I believe it adds to either one of two possibilities. First, a space buoy of some kind."

Kirk: "Second?"

Spock: "Fly paper."

Kirk: "And you don't recommend sticking around."

Spock: "Negative, it would make us appear too weak."

Kirk decides it's time for action, and calls on Bailey who presumptuously contacts the phaser gun crew. Kirk is quick to jump on him for such a move.

Kirk: "I'll select what kind of action Mr. Ba-"

Bailey: "I'm sorry, sir, I-"

Kirk: "Are you explaining, Mr. Bailey? I haven't requested an explanation."

_(((Dear god, Bailey fucked up AGAIN and we're STILL not at the ten minute mark! Poor schmuck. I must admit, though, I do like seeing Kirk handle the kid. It's a good example of what strong captain he is. In fact, this whole episode is a great estament to his talent as a leader.)))_

So now they're going to try pulling away from the Rubik's cube with a mission.

It doesn't work.

_(((Shock.)))_

Then they try slowly going towards it to see if it'll back off.

It doesn't work.

_(((Amazement.)))_

As they get closer and closer, the radiation the cube is emitting gets stronger and stronger. Finally, with few other options, Kirk tells Bailey to lock onto it with phasers.

Bailey hesitates.

Kirk has to tell him again.

Bailey locks on at last, they fire, and the things explodes right in the Enterprise's face.

Commercial break.

_(((Someone needs to say something about Bailey before the kid pokes his own eye out. Srsly.))) _

And we're back. With the cube being destroyed, the only question now is whether or not to press forward or turn back. Repairs are going on throughout the ship, and a verrrrry interesting little scene with Kirk and Spock happens. Spock is trying to find out some more information at his console and Kirk is wanders up behind him.

"Nothing, Captain," Spock reports, "No contents, no object in any direction."

Kirk takes a seat on the railing as he says, "Care to speculate on what we'll find if we go ahead?"

Spock takes a seat in his chair, "Speculate? Well, logically, we'll discover the intelligence that sent out the cube."

Kirk starts gently rubbing his eyes, the fatigue is starting to get to him, "Intelligence different from ours or superior?"

"Probably both," Spock replies simply, "And if you're asking the logical decision to make…"

"No, I'm not" Kirk gently insists, "The mission of the Enterprise is to seek out and contact alien life."

Spock takes in his response, then comes back with, "Has it occurred to you that there's a certain…inefficency…in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about?"

Kirk grins, eyes sparkling, as he replies at almost a whisper, "It gives me emotional security."

Kirk keeps grinning. Spock holds eye contact, then looks away.

Message received.

_(((HOLY. FUCKING. BABY. JESUS. If you think I'm exaggerating or embellishing anything, I'm not. Watch the scene. That's how it happens. Kirk grins. His eyes sparkle. It's all there. If you don't think there's any sexual tension in that moment, picture Kirk looking at a girl like that. Yeah, NOW it make sense, doesn't it? There's no other possible explanation for that particular expression, and there's also no other explanation for Spock's expression afterwards. It's called FLIRTING, and they did it. AGAIN. Look at the scene! It's clear as day, serious as a heart attack, and other overused metaphors. KIRK, is flirting with SPOCK, and Spock not only understood, but ACCEPTED THE MOVE._

_The fact that Spock looked away the way he did is a biggie, too. With Spock, since facial expressions are often verrrrry limited and/or nonexistent, it all comes down to his eyes. Moving your eyes becomes a gesture in and of itself when you're on camera, that's just a rule of film acting, but the meaning doubles with a character like Spock. His eye movements strongly suggest that he's intrigued, curious…INTERESTED. And it happened right in front of you.)))_

Kirk gives a few more orders, rubs his eyes again, and leaves the bridge with McCoy. On the way to his quarters McCoy voices his concern about Bailey.

_(((FINALLY, somebody said something.)))_

McCoy is worried that Kirk promoted Bailey too soon but Kik thinks he'll cut it. They have a pretty snarky conversation, but it's not like with Spock. These guys are just friends. Not once does Kirk grin or smile with that particular look in his eyes. These guys, ladies and gents, are buds.

In Kirk's quarters, McCoy and Kirk have a drink and chit chat.

Kirk's relaxed until the Yeoman comes in with a tray.

Now this Yeoman Rand is a pretty blonde who's bringing Kirk food. Surely there are fireworks, heavenly music, and Kirk promptly ravishes her on the spot, yes?

No.

Here's what we see Kirk do the moment Rand enters: He throws a very annoyed look at McCoy. He's not happy about seeing Rand in the slightest, as he's about to prove. Ran sets down Kirk's food in front of him and uncovers it. Kirk takes one look at it and isn't happy.

"What the devil is this?" Kirk asks, examining the food, "Green leaves?"

"Dietary salad, sir," Rand replies, "Dr. McCoy ordered your diet card changed."

McCoy explains, "You're weight was up a couple of pounds, remember?"

Rand puts a napkin in Kirk's lap.

"Will you stop hovering over me, Yeoman?" he asks in an agitated tone.

"Well I'll change it if you don't like it, sir," she offers.

Kirk is clearly _very_ annoyed with Rand in general. McCoy just watches the whole thing go down with a mild sense of amazement. Rand leaves, and Kirk instantly comments.

"When I get my hands on the headquarters genius that assigned me a female Yeoman…" Kirk swears as he eats his food.

"What's the matter, Jim?" McCoy teases, "Don't you trust yourself?"

Kirk literally shoots him a _Are you fucking serious?_ Look then says, "I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise."

_(((My my MY, Captain Kirk, I would think someone with such a heartbreaker/playboy reputation would LOVE a pretty girl waiting on him hand and foot. But no, apparently you want a guy to do it. The mind. It's reeling.)))_

Kirk's gets word from Spock that another object is approaching, and this one is much larger. Kirk gets to the bridge just before it comes into view and FUCK does it come into view. This thing ENORMOUS, it dwarfs the Enterprise a thousand times over.

Behold! Spock's first "Fascinating."

Kirk asks for a full viewing of the thing. Bailey hesitates again, this time to the point where Sulu has to reach across and do it for him.

They make contact, and a big, kind of robotic, definitely monotone sounding voice tells them that, since they blew up the warning buoy, they are being treated as 'dangerous.'

_(((Hey hey, Spock was right!)))_

Kirk tries to talk back, but everything on the bridge starts to short out and the voice says "No further communication will be accepted."

_(((Translation: STFU.)))_

Voice: "If there is the slightest move, your vessel will be destroyed immediately."

Kirk orders that a recorder marker is dispatched to get this all on tape.

Bailey hesitates AGAIN, in awe of what's happening. Kirk has to walk up to him and say his name to get him to do what he's told.

_(((Somebody smack the kid. Plllleeeaaassseeee??)))_

Suddenly there's an electrical explosion outside of the ship and everyone goes bouncing around from the impact. The voice soon explains.

Voice: "Your recorder marker has been destroyed. You have been examined. Your ship must be destroyed. We make assumption you have a deity, or deities, or some such beliefs which comfort you. We therefore grant you ten Earth time periods known as minutes to make preparations."

_(((Not gonna lie, this disembodied voice is hilarious.)))_

Kirk speaks to the crew to make sure they stay calm (and he does this very well), then he speaks to the UFO with an authoritative tone.

Kirk: "This is the captain of the USS Enterprise. We came seeking friendship, but we have no wish to trespass. To demonstrate our goodwill, our vessel will now return the way it came."

_(((Translation: "Oh I'm sorry was this YOUR space? My bad, we'll just GTFO. Don't mind us. Love youuuu.")))_

The Voice's response? The worst case of feedback I've ever heard. Kirk gives Bailey an order, and Bailey is too dumbstruck to obey A. G. A. I. N.

Sulu does Bailey's job for him, A. G. A. I. N.

They try to leave, but the engines are stone dead.

At last, they get a visual on who the hell has been talking to them. It's a rather hi-larious looking alien that mechanically reminds them they have 8 minutes left before they die.

Bailey's decides that now would be a good time to go bat shit insane.

Kirk relieves Bailey of duty and orders him to his room.

_(((FINALLY. GAWD.)))_

Kirk tries talking sense to the alien again, and again he gets Feedback of Death.

Voice: "You now have seven minutes left."

Aaaaand commercial.

Aaaaaand back from commercial. Sulu announces that they have a little over four minutes now. Joy of joys.

Kirk and Spock take a little walk around the bridge together.

_(((They've only got four minutes left to live, why not have a stroll?)))_

Kirk: "There must be something we can do. Something we overlooked."

Spock: "Chess. When one is out-matched the game is over. Checkmate."

_(((Gee, THANKS.)))_

_(((What follows next is actually very interesting.)))_

"Is that your best recommendation?" Kirk asks with short sarcasm.

Spock looks down, dejected, "I'm s-" he begins, but then stops. He takes a moment, steadies himself, and says, "I regret that I can find no other logical alternative."

Kirk looks at him for a moment, then quickly turns away and leaves. Spock then exhales and looks down, clearly _torn apart._

_(((Spock doesn't have any kind of answer or advice for Kirk, and it's ripping him apart inside. Watch the clip, it's right there. This is more an insight into Spock than anything else. He feels like shit that he just can't help. I just wanna hug him. =( )))_

Since they're all gonna die in four minutes anyway, McCoy decides that now is a good time to rag on Kirk about Bailey. A snipefest ensues.

McCoy: "About Bailey. Let me enter it in my medical records as someone with fatigue."

Kirk: "That's my decision, doctor."

McCoy: "It was your mistake. You overworked him, you pushed him, you expected too much out of him."

Kirk: "I'm ordering you to drop it. No time for you, your theories, your quaint philosophies."

McCoy: "I intend to challenge your actions in the medical records. I'll state that I warned you about Bailey's condition. That's no bluff."

Kirk: "ANYTIME YOU BLUFF ME, DOCTOR-"

Kirk gets himself back in control. Then the ever so lovely Voice chimes in.

Voice: "Three minutes."

Kirk (now relatively calm): "Alright, doctor. Let's hope we have time to argue about it."

McCoy retreats, and after a moment the little lightbulb in Kirk's head goes off.

Kirk: "Not chess, Mr. Spock. Poker."

Kirk has Uhura hail the ship. He sits back in his chair as he says to the alien with exceptional ease and total confidence, "This is the captain of the Enterprise. Our respect for other lifeforms requires that we give you this warning."

Everyone looks at each other with proper WTF expressions.

Kirk: "One critical item of information that has never been incorporated into the memory banks of any Earth ship. Since the early years of space exploration, Earth vessels have had incorporated into them a substance known as…Corbomite. It is a material and a device which prevents attack on us. Any destructive energy touches our vessel there is a reverse reation of equal strength created, destroying-"

Voice: "YOU NOW HAVE TWO MINUTES."

Kirk: "Destroying the attacker! It may interest you to know that, since the initial use of Corbomite more than two of our centuries ago, no attacking vessel has survived the attempt. Death has little meaning to us. If it has none to you, then attack us now. We grow annoyed at your foolishness."

_(((One word: CAJONES. Kirk has some serious, serious CAJONES. Where did Kirk get Corbomite, you ask? HIS ASS. He pulled it right out of his ass and he did so with brilliant command. Must love Kirk.)))_

Tense silence. Spock approaches Kirk's side and shakes his head, but honors the valiant attempt. He then goes on to make a comment about how this alien reminds him of his father. When Scotty says he feels bad for Spock's mother then, Spock assures him that his mother considered herself to be a very fortunate Earth woman. _This gets yet another grinning, sparkly-eyed look from Kirk_.

_(((That's right, Kirk is at it again. Right after Spock says that, Kirk is looking right at Spock with a stare verrry similar to the one he gave him earlier. How all of this flew over the heads of people in the 60s is beyond me. We're only on the second episode, for chrissake!!)))_

McCoy approaches Kirk and apologizes for being a jerk earlier. Yay. =D

Silence. Intensity. More silence. More intensity. Bailey pops in with thirty seconds left and asks for permission to return to post. Kirk allows him.

_(((If they didn't only have thirty seconds to live you can bet your life that Kirk would have turned him down flat. But eh, he's a softie that way.)))_

The next thing you know, times up.

The Enterprise explodes.

They all die.

/end Star Trek

….oh come on, you know nothing happens.

When they're still alive after the clock runs out, they all look at each other like this: o.O

Then everyone breathes a collective sigh of Oh-thank-fuck-we-didn't-die.

_(((My sincere thanks to _**lemon drop seven**_ for pointing out this delectable little tidbit that follows.)))_

Spock is standing a little off to the right of Kirk's chair.

Spock: "Interesting game, this poker."

_(((This is one of the million lines in TOS that looks plain as day on the page, but what Spock does during the line is where the real fun is._

_What does Spock, do you ask?_

_Why he says this line with a sly little smile as he looks Kirk's way, of course. It's a very slinky look, indeed._

_Well the ever chick-nailer Kirk must completely ignore this, yes? NEIN!! He's got his own sly little look going on, and not towards a chick, towards Mr. Spock himself._

_This, boys and girls, is called eyesex. It's often the lynch pin of relationships that have sexual tension, because it's incredible when it's done properly. Kirk and Spock do it properly. A LOT.)))_

The voice speaks up and breaks up the remarkable, sexually tense moment.

_(((And no, I'm not exaggerating. I don't know how I missed this, it's positively delicious. And right in front of the crew! For SHAME.)))_

Voice: "THIS IS THE COMMANDER OF THE FESARIUS."

Kirk: "Here it comes. Is it raise or call?"

Voice: "THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR VESSEL…HAS BEEN DELAYED."

_(((Best. Line. Ever.)))_

Voice: "WE WILL RELENT IN YOUR DESTRUCTION ONLY IF WE HAVE PROOF OF YOUR CORBOMITE DEVICE."

Kirk lets the alien sweat for a change, then says "Request denied."

_(((Translation: GET. BENT.)))_

_(((I love this whole part because you can totally tell that Kirk is having more fun than a kid at Disneyland. Fuck adventure, this is where Kirk really gets his jollies. As has been proven, he's an intellectual.)))_

The alien responds by sending out a small ship and claims that it's just as badass as the main ship. The smaller ship starts dragging the Enterprise along in it's tractor beam, intending to take them to a planet where they can live so the ship can be destroyed. Kirk orders for Sulu to try and break away from the tractor beam, and he does. Huzzah!!

The strain of the breakaway cripples the aliens ship and, Kirk being the stand up guy that he is, offers the alien some help. Kirk is invited aboard, and takes McCoy and (to everyone's surprise) Bailey. Kirk says that he owes Bailey a chance to see the face of the unknown.

_(((Awww, he feels bad for pushing the kid too hard. What a softie.)))_

What happens is a tad bit interesting. Bwehehe.

After Kirk establishes who will be coming with him, Spock speaks up.

Spock: "Captain I request permission to-"

Kirk: "Denied. If I'm wrong and it's a trap, I want you here."

_(((Even bigger AWWWW. Kirk wants to keep Spock out of danger. Sure, we know that if things go to shit losing one capable of commanding is better than losing two, but it's just the way Kirk said it and the words he chose. It's sweet. Deal with it.)))_

_(((Also note Spock's eye movement after Kirk says it.)))_

Long story short: They beam aboard the ship and find out that the incredibly fake looking alien they've been talking IS a fake alien, and the real alien is a humanoid with the body of a child and the voice of middle aged smoker. He really wasn't threatening them at all, he was just testing. His name is Baylock.

_(((An alien that was just testing the crew? They better get used to that.)))_

Baylock wants to spend some time with another life form, sort of a "meeting of the cultures." Kirk recommends Bailey, who accepts.

_(((I know what you're thinking: Kirk recommended Bailey so he could get rid of a bad officer. Actually, Kirk knows that the learning experience will be good for Bailey (and give him some time to mature as well) and that's why he recommends him.)))_

Thus endeth The Corbomite Maneuver.

* * *

*****The score so far?**

Times Kirk loses/rips/has no shirt - 2


	3. 1x03 Mudd's Women

**Author's Note: **Well, what's in store for this episode in terms of slashy goodness? There's bits here and there, we find out some interesting information about Kirk through his behavior, and the final moment of the episode is a personal favorite of mine that is largely overlooked. Onward!

* * *

**Episode Three: Mudd's Women**

We drop in on the Enterprise chasing after an unidentified vessel. The vessel is pretty small and has to push its engines to keep up the chase. It can't be a Starfleet ship 'cause they're not getting any registration info, and they're ignoring Uhura's attempts at making contact. Basically, whatever is running knows it's running.

The Enterprise is led into an asteroid belt so Kirk has the deflectors powered up. Spock finds out that it's just a small Class J cargo ship and its engines are super heating. Kirk starts to tell Uhura to warn the other ship about their engines…

_(((Good ol' Kirk, such a gentleman.)))_

…but he's too late. The cargo ship's engines blow and the ship is adrift, which means it's a sitting duck for any asteroid that feels like hitting it. The Enterprise could help but projecting a deflector shield but, alas, if they do that at this distance they'll overload their own engines.

_(((Muy, muy fucked.)))_

Nevertheless, Kirk orders to project a deflector shield anyway so they can have some time to get close enough to beam everyone aboard.

_(((Chivalry ain't dead, folks.)))_

The Enterprise's own engines are starting to overheat, and the lights on the bridge flicker out for a second. One of the ship's dilithium crystals (what powers the ship) busted. A few seconds later another one busts.

Spock and Scotty (with McCoy watching for some reason) are able to beam someone aboard then, and we meet a big guy in a puffy coral shirt with blue pants.

_(((Fashion. It escapes him.)))_

The man introduces himself, in a jaunty Irish accent, as Leo Walsh. He says he has 'just a few' other crewmembers. Just before the other members are beamed aboard, yet another dilithium crystal dies. Fun.

The other crewmembers are beamed aboard, and they just so happen to be three drop dead gorgeous women in three incredibly glittery dresses.

Cut to a shot of Scotty, Spock and McCoy.

Scotty's eyes are smitten, he's on cloud nine.

McCoy is just as fixated.

Spock is looking at both of them, wondering what the heck the big deal is.

Scotty makes eye contact with one of them, he's moved.

McCoy makes eye contact with one of them, he's moved.

Spock crosses his arms and looks both absolutely clueless and mildly disgusted.

_(((This seriously happens. It's obvious that Spock just *can't* understand what the big deal is. Oh look at that mind, it's reeling again.)))_

Kirk calls from the bridge and orders everyone to his quarters for a meet n' greet. The women leave. Scotty and McCoy are still mesmerized.

As the women make their way to Kirk's quarters, all of the men turn their heads.

The three women, Walsh, and Spock get into the elevator, Wash says something worth examining:

Walsh (to Spock): "You're part Vulcanian, aren't you? Oh well then, a pretty face doesn't affect you at all, does it? Not unless you want it to."

_(((Well HAWT DAYUM. We just got another piece of info about Vulcans. _

_So Spock doesn't want to be affected by women, but has clearly been affected by Kirk (as we have already seen in previous episodes.) _

_Gee, I WONDER what that might MEAN.)))_

Well the gang finally gets to Kirk's room, where he's waiting. He turns around and gets slapped in the face with three heavy doses of sensual femininity. He's stunned.

_(((But not really drooling at the mouth. He's more surprised that, instead of three regular crewmembers, he got three beauty queens. I'd be surprised too.)))_

Kirk asks who the women are, and Walsh answers "This…is me cargo."

Kirk is taken back by the use of the word 'cargo.'

We come back from commercial to a Captain's Log.

Kirk: "We've taken aboard, from unregistered transport vessel, it's captain and three unusual females. These women have a mysterious, magnetic affect on the male members of my crew…including myself. Explanation unknown at present.

_(((Really, Kirk? You can't seem to figure that one out? Does the notion of being drawn to a woman simply escape you? You dated women in your Academy days, you should at least be able to remember THAT.)))_

While we're listening to the voice over, the women are leaving Kirk's quarters and they pass by Spock as they do so. When they're gone, Spock looks at Kirk, shrugs with an "Eh, whatever" expression that's actually quite adorable, and follows them out.

Walsh tries to make his whole escape attempt look like nothing, but Kirk wasn't made a Starfleet Captain yesterday. He tells Walsh that there will be a hearing to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is going on. As Walsh leaves, Kirk smiles slightly at the man's back.

_(((WTF, Kirk? I can't figure that smile out. Surely he's not into Walsh…we know he doesn't find the notion of women as cargo charming or humorous…maybe he's just amused by Walsh himself? Walsh did make trying to save his ass look pretty amusing. Maybe that's it. Not sure.)))_

Meanwhile, Spock is in command of the bridge and there's a problem brewing. There's only one working dilithium crystal left and even that is cracked. Spock calls Kirk to the bridge.

Cut to Walsh rejoining his 'cargo' in a conference room with two guards watching over them. The women start calling him 'Harry' and he's quick to hush them up. He's obviously trying to talk carefully with the guards present, and he tells them about the hearing and to tell the truth and blah blah blah.

Cut to Kirk arriving at the bridge. He joins in on a pow wow already in progress between Scotty and Spock. Long story short: They've only got one dilithium crystal left and it won't last long. They talk in circles for a minute, then this happens:

Spock states the facts simply, saying, "And that crystal won't hold up. Not with putting all our power through.

"Well, Mr. Spock?" Kirk asks with a tilted head and a lilting tone.

_(((Okay boys, you're both grown adults. Nine times out of ten you can tell the difference between work time and play time, but Kirk! Shame on you! Blatantly flirting with your first officer in the middle of a life or death conversation?! Shame! Shaaaaaame!_

_I'm completely serious by the way, Kirk does nothing to hide his tone or expression. I'm not exaggerating, it's right there for all the world to see.)))_

Spock: "There's a lithium mining operation on Rygell 12. High grade ore, I've heard."

Kirk thinks Rygell 12 sounds like a great idea and has Spock plot a course.

Cut to Walsh's hearing. Kirk states in a Captain's log voice over that he's becoming concerned about the magnetic affect the women are having on the men.

_(((Note the 'magnetic affect' bit. This isn't the first time they've been described as particularly alluring, which means they're obviously way above the average dame.)))_

The three lovely women, Spock, Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Walsh and some random dude are all in the conference room. Spock is operating a lie detector that detects falsehoods by the sound of the person's voice.

_(((Why they don't use it way more often is beyond me. That's a pretty nifty thing to have.)))_

Spock tells Walsh to state his name, he does so, and the computer instantly chirps that he's "incorrect." We come to find out that Walsh's name is actually Harry Mudd, and he drops the accent. During the hearing we find out the following: Harry has a list of illegal offenses as long as my leg and he doesn't have the masters' license required to captain a ship.

While Harry is trying to talk his way out of some serious consequences, we see the lovely ladies make eye contact with McCoy and Scotty, who are considerably affected.

_(((The brunette's "sexy" face reminds me more of a "stink eye" face. Hi-larious.)))_

Harry finally reveals what he does for a living: He recruits wives for settlers.

_(((How charming. That would explain the trio of Evening Gown Barbie dolls.)))_

Kirk has Spock look up info on the women, and no data comes up. Then Kirk has the censor probe look for abnormal readings. The computer reports that the women are normal, but some of the men have elevated blood pressure, high respiration, etc.

_(((Translation: Scotty, McCoy and the random dude are hot and bothered over the women._

…_.Spock and Kirk? Not so much. No really, they're not.)))_

Mudd starts introducing the women.

_(((ZOMG they have names?!??!)))_

The stink eye chick is Ruthie, the short haired blonde is Manda, and the other blonde in pink is…well we don't find out right this second. She starts going on about how crappy life was on her (and the other girls') planets, which is why they volunteered for Mudd. Harry finally shuts her up with a "Fine Evie, fine," so we can learn her name…which is apparently Evie.

Harry's defense for not having a license and evading a Starfleet vessel?

Harry: "Only Heaven's own truth, which I have just given you."

Kirk and Spock trade "yeah, right" looks with each other, and the hearing ends.

_(((The look isn't particularly slashy, it's just a good moment.)))_

Thus endeth the hearing. Kirk says that Mudd will be handed off to the authorities as soon as possible. They all start to leave, but Evie gets upset and goes to Kirk, pleading and asking about what will happen to her and the other girls. Kirk is in the middle of asking her to stop when the last dilithium crystal busts.

_(((Those aching for some hot hetero action will be disappointed, the moment when Evie gets upset doesn't hint at romance at all. She's getting emotional, he's not affected in any kind of heart-wrenching way.)))_

As Kirk is updated on the ship, Evie is still pawing at him. He tells her to stop (politely) and leaves.

_(((Wow, it must be love…::cough::)))_

Mudd overhears that Kirk is planning on stopping by a lithium mine, and he gets the fabulous idea to sell his 'brides' to some lonely, rich miners and, oh yeah, take over the Enterprise in the process.

When we come back from commercial we hear from Kirk's Captain's log voice over that they need a dilithium crystal like NOW, and the women's effect is still unexplained.

_(((Okay seriously, why is it so hard for him to grasp that pretty women attract men? What does he not understand? I mean come on, Spock's prettiness attracts him, same thing! Heh.)))_

The stink eye brunette, er, I mean Ruthie enters sickbay and starts hitting on McCoy. As she's seducing him she passes by the life support panel and starts blinking oddly and make weird noises. This makes McCoy curious, but Ruthie ignores it. She's way too caught up in the whole 'I have to be sexy now' routine. McCoy buys it hook line and sinker, but he's still puzzled over the panel's reaction.

Cut to Kirk entering his quarters to find Evie laying on his bed.

_(((Hey Evie, slut much?_

_My oh my, however will the red blooded, straight as an arrow Kirk handle this???)))_

Kirk is understandably surprised at Evie's presence.

Evie: "I hope you don't mind."

Kirk (glancing at the door): "As a matter of fact, Ms. McHuron, I do."

_(((Oh Kirk, you sly little minx, how can she resist a come on like THAT?_

_And hey, when did Blondie McBigLips get a last name?)))_

Evie's laaaaame excuse for her presence is as follows:

Evie: "I was trying to take a walk and I just had to run in someplace. You see, all your men were looking at me. Following me with their eyes."

Kirk: "Yes…I'll have to talk to them about that."

_(((He's totally horny now. And by "horny," I mean "wary and a little confused.")))_

Kirk laughs awkwardly.

Kirk: "They don't do that ordinarily, Ms. McHuron. Somehow in your case, and the ladies with you, uh…"

_(((Good lord does he STILL not understand that attractive women are attractive?)))_

Evie amps up the sexy and gets a little closer to him.

Evie: "Probably just lonely. I can understand loneliness."

_(((But can you understand basic arithmetic?)))_

Kirk: "Yes…"

For this moment he's kind of in awe, like he's in a trance. The he snaps out of it and walks away from her.

Kirk: "Yes, uh, now Ms. McHuron if you don't mind…"

_(((This is the second time he's rejected her now.)))_

Evie doesn't give up that easily. She stays near him and actually gets close.

Evie (trying a different approach): "I suppose you understand it even more. I mean, having to run a huge ship like this with so much…"

_(((Come on, honey…starts with an R…has a bunch of confuzzling syllables…you can do it…)))_

Evie: "…responsibility…"

_(((Good girl!)))_

Evie: "…every minute, and having to be so careful about all the men looking up to you."

Kirk: "Well it probably appears more difficult than it is."

_(((Now she's starting to win him over. He's smiling as he talks now, which is how he flirts. And what with all the shoulder and ego stroking it's no wonder. Keep in mind that these chicks have a little something extra. This ain't no ordinary dame.)))_

Evie: "I read once that a commander has to act like a paragon of virtue. I never met a paragon."

_(((She reads!?!?!)))_

Kirk: "Neither have I."

Evie: "Well of course not, no one is. But some people try to pretend."

Kirk has snapped out of her charms now, and is uncomfortable.

Kirk: "Um…"

Evie: "Do you…captain?"

Evie goes in for the kill. Kirk stiffens his back tries to pull away from her.

Kirk: "Ms. McHuron, I don't-"

_(((…like girls anymore. We know, Kirk. We know._

_No really, if he's such a Straightie McStraight Straight, what is his problem? Why doesn't he just seal the deal and pork the chick? Considering later episodes I can't call him gay, but he sure as crap behaves like a bisexual with a lean toward men._

_And even though I can't call him gay because of canon, I CAN say that he was originally intended as a gay character with evidence to back me up…but now's not the time. Kirk is trying to writhe out of a pretty lady's grasp…again.)))_

Evie suddenly drops the act and moves away.

Evie sighs with exasperation as she says, "Oh, I just can't do it, I don't care what Harry Mudd says. I do like you, I just can't go through with it. I hate this whole thing!"

She leaves his quarters, accompanied by a dramatic swell of music, and Kirk just stands there, stunned and confused.

_(((And I bet a little relieved, but that's just speculation on my part._

_Well, that does it for the "big romantic scene" with the Dame of the Hour. Curious, isn't it?)))_

Cut to Mudd, Ruthie and Manda talking about the miners. Manda found out that they're super rich and have been all by their onesies for three years. All in all, a goldmine. The girls bring up how Mudd is trapped, and won't be able to get down the surface to make a deal. Mudd isn't worried, since Evie is supposed to be working on that right-

Evie enters then, and gets all dramatic on their asses.

She's not feeling too good, and comments that "it must be time."

Cut to Kirk on the bridge, dutifully chiding his men for having to repeat an order twice. We are supposed to get that the men are slow because they're so distracted by the women. As Kirk passes behind them to get to McCoy, he mutters "Ridiculous."

He then has this little convo with McCoy:

Kirk: "Did you examine her? Did you examine Eve?"

McCoy: "She refused."

Kirk: "Well come on, you're the doctor." Pause. "What is it? Is it that we're tired, and they're beautiful? They are incredibly beautiful."

_(((CHRIST ON A SPIKE, FOR THE LAST TIME: PRETTY GIRLS = SEXUAL APPEAL, AT LEAST FOR STRAIGHT GUYS AND LESBIANS.)))_

McCoy: "Are they Jim?"

At this point we see that Spock is eavesdropping.

McCoy: "Are they actually more lovely, pound for pound, measure for measure, than any other women you've known? Or is it that they just, well, act beautiful? No, strike that, strike that."

We get another shot of Spock, he seems interested, but also that he's trying to understand their behavior. He's basically observing them.

Kirk: "What are they, Bones?"

McCoy: "You mean, are they alien illusions, that sort of thing?"

Kirk: "I asked you first."

McCoy: "No, an alien smart enough to cause this would be smart enough to keep my scanner from going 'bleep.'"

Kirk: "I don't follow you."

McCoy: "I don't either."

_(((Um…quoi?)))_

Cut to Manda giving Mudd a communicator she stole. Mudd uses it to contact Rygell 12 and starts talking to someone, but we don't hear the conversation.

Cut to Kirk on the bridge. The Enterprise is now in Rygell 12's orbit.

Cut to Mudd's room. Suddenly, Ruthie ain't so pretty anymore. She's scared, crying, has messy hair and lines in her face. Mudd is frantically searching for something. Manda's all fucked up now too. She looks haggard, like she hasn't slept in ten years. Uh oh, Evie's the same way.

Evie: "You'll never find them, Harry. And even if you do, you know what they are. A cheat."

_(((A cheat? What's a cheat? What? WHAT?!?!?!)))_

Evie: "If you care for someone…really care…"

Mudd: "For whom, Evie? Kirk? You'll find out that ship's captains are already married, girl. To their vessels. You'd find out the first time you came between him and the ship. You'll see."

_(((This is a verrrrrry important statement, though not because of this episode per se. It's repeatedly stated that a captain is married to his ship, it's even said to and by Kirk on more than one occasion. Over the course of the series it's practically drilled into our brains there's nothing higher in importance than a captain's ship. This is significant because of the third Star Trek movie. What happens in the third Star Trek movie? Kirk sacrifices the ship to bring Spock back to life._

…

……

_EXACTLY.)))_

Ruthie: "I'm going back to what I was: Ugly!"

Manda: "I can't stand myself like this!"

Mudd finally finds what he was looking for: pills. Ruthie and Manda quickly take some and are soon beautiful and (for some reason) groping their bodies. Evie is reluctant, she's feeling rotten about the whole thing, and the scene changes before we see if she takes them or not.

Cut to Spock in the captain's quarters, sitting across from Kirk and holding a burned dilithium crystal in his hand.

Spock: "Even burned and cracked, they're beautiful. Destroying them was a shame."

Spock hands the crystal to Kirk, their hands touch.

Kirk: "Not at all, Mr. Spock, the choice was burning this lithium crystal or the destruction of another man's ship."

_(((Is this moment slashy? Nah. It just makes me smile to see them touch, and this is my analyzation/commentary. Deal with it. =P)))_

Two of the miners from Rygell 12 enter and get right down to business. Kirk needs dilithium crystals and has money, the miners have dilithium crystals, what could possibly go wrong?

They say they want to swap. Crystals…for Mudd's women.

_(((And we have a title! ::Throws confetti::)))_

Spock sits down in a very "I'm not even gonna touch this one" kind of way, and Kirk laughs. His humor vanishes instantly when he realizes that the miners are serious: No women, no deal.

_(((This is actually a lovely little acting bit on Shatner's part. We can all see his thought process as this is happening to him. It sounds simple to pull off, but it's not.)))_

Kirk, being the upstanding man that he is, refuses.

_(((And yes, Kirk IS an upstanding man. He's damn near an idyllic hero, actually. He's also NOT a womanizer, but that's another argument.)))_

Mudd and the women come in then, and Mudd is quick to make best friends with the miners (the women are quick too). Kirk sees that the miners are enjoying the women and he quickly repeats that there's no deal.

Then the lights dim, and Spock tells Kirk that they must be at the reserved power, which means they're power is at 50% and Mudd mentions that they have three days until the Enterprise wont be able to maintain orbit.

We come back from commercial to find Mudd, Kirk and Spock beaming down to Rygell 12 to get the crystals. They enter a bar where the women are getting cozy with each of their miners. Kirk tells Childress that he'll make the deal, but Childress is too busy with Evie to make a deal at this moment.

Childress tosses some laaaaaame lines at Evie about the dusty wind, who's not buyin' anything the guy is selling. He asks her to dance, and she starts coughing. She says no, that she's not feeling well. Childress seems to take this in stride and starts dancing with Ruthie (cutting in on another miner) which seems to hurt Evie's feelings. It soon turns into a fight over Ruthie, and Evie runs out of the bar yelling, "Why don't you have a raffle and the loser gets me?!?!"

_(((Uuuuuuhhhhhhh….what? Evie, babe, you rejected the guy and he moved on to another chick…why exactly do you feel ugly and unwanted? Pssh, women. No wonder Kirk isn't into them so much anymore. _

…_.couldn't resist.)))_

Evie goes running off into the incredibly dangerous sandstorm like an idiot, and Kirk chases after her.

_(((He does this because he has a hot, romantic passion. And by "hot, romantic passion" I mean "a soul." He also knows that if he only trades two women, he'll only get two crystals.)))_

Cut to later, Kirk, Spock and Mudd are back on the ship. The ship's instruments are having a hard time finding Evie in the magnetic sandstorm. They've only got five hours left and things are getting down to the wire.

Cut to Childress, with an unconscious Evie in his arms, carrying her into his home. Apparently he was the one to find her.

Cut back to the ship. Now they only have fort five minutes of power (alas!) and they're still looking. The ship's instruments finally find a blip of heat in Childress' home.

Cut to Childress' home, where Evie is up and making food, which Childress doesn't appreciate it much. They fight like stubborn fools, and a little later she's starting to look haggard again. Kirk and Mudd show up and Kirk orders that Mudd tell Childress (and the audience) the truth.

Kirk drops the name 'Venus drug' and Mudd explains that it gives you more of what you have (men more muscles, women more feminity, etc). Childress starts complaining about the wife he wants and deserves, and Evie decides to finally explode and tell Childress (and the audience) one of the points of this episode.

"You don't want wives," he says, "You want this." She grabs the pills from Mudd's hand and holds them in front of Childress as she continues with, "This is what you want, Mr. Childress, and I hope you remember it and dream about it because you can't have it. It's not real!"

_(((Point #1: There is no such thing as the perfect woman/wife._

_This might seem really boring to us now, but back in 1966 a message like that was pretty bold.)))_

Then, for some reason, she takes the pills and soon morphs into a killer beauty again.

_(((Apparently the pills are hairdressers and make up artists too, 'cause now she's got eyeshadow and an up do. Yay 60s.)))_

"Quite a woman, isn't she?" Kirk asks Childress.

_(((The way Kirk's line is delivered does not suggest that he's dumbstruck by her beauty. He's asking Childress in order to make a point. It's all business.)))_

Childress: "But fake. Pumped up by a drug."

Kirk: "By herself. She took no drug."

Evie: "I swallowed it."

Kirk: "Colored gelatin."

Mudd: "They took away my drug and substituted that."

Evie: "But that can't be!"

Kirk: "There's only one kind of woman."

Mudd: "Or man, for that matter."

Kirk: "You either believe in yourself or you don't."

_(((Okay, couple things. First, this bit of dialogue isn't _quite_ as hokey as it looks on the page._ _Second, believing that the Venus drug did her hair and make up was crazy enough, but now we're supposed to believe that the job was done by colored gelatin and self esteem? Yay 60s._

_I do appreciate Point #2 of this episode, though, as stated by Kirk. It sent a message about inner beauty and confidence to the girls and women in 1966 and I can certainly appreciate that. They also did it in a creative way, so bonus points for that as well.)))_

Now that the messages of the episode have been delivered, Kirk can get back down to business. He asks Childress if they have a deal or not, and Childress says they do (crystals for money). But then, to our surprise, he says he wants Evie to stay for the day at least. The following dialogue happens:

Kirk: "Eve?"

Evie: "You've got someone up there…called the Enterprise."

_(((Well she never was the brightest star in the sky, and this proves it. When Kirk says her name, he doesn't have a hint of a love sick 'but don't you want to be with me?' expression on his face. From his expression we're meant to gather that he's asking her if she wants to stay of her own free will 'cause he, you know, has a soul and he's an upstanding guy and shit. _

_She's been acting pretty delusional about Kirk the whole episode (they never kissed, they never did anything, the MOST they did was flirt a SMIDGE when she was pumped up by DRUGS, so this isn't really a surprise._

_That reminds me of another point: Yes, in the earlier scene with Evie Kirk does eventually flirt a little before ultimately pulling away, but keep in mind that was chemically enhanced. Hardly a fair fight. And if that's not a good enough reason for you (though it should be), that's why my theory involves bisexuality.)))_

Well it's the end of the episode, nothing else interesting could possibly happen, yes? NEIN!

Back on bridge of the Enterprise, this little scene takes place:

Kirk is sitting in the captain's chair, and McCoy is standing at his side.

McCoy: "That must have been quite a talk you made down there. Ever try considering the patent medicine business?"

Kirk: "Why should I work your side of the street?"

Spock comes over and hands Kirk a report for him to sign.

Spock: "I'm happy the affair is over. A most annoying, emotional episode."

McCoy (pounding his chest): "Smack right in the old heart. Oh I'm sorry, in your case it would be…" he pounds his side, "…about here."

Spock: "The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, doctor, pleases me no end."

_(((SPOCK BURN!!!! Love him.)))_

Kirk hands the report back to Spock, amused, and Spock goes back to his station. As the camera is pulling out and Kirk is looking straight ahead, we see his eyes suddenly cast downwards as his thoughts deepen, then around the bridge, then he blatantly looks over in Spock's direction (although Spock is still off screen) and keeps looking for a few seconds.

_(((Now this is pretty doggone interesting and deserves close examination. Again, I have to compliment Shatner for his acting. He's damn good at thinking on camera which, again, isn't as easy as it may seem. The moment from when he looks ahead to when he stops looking at Spock takes all of ten seconds so it happens pretty quickly, but look at it. Here are the facts of the moment, beat by beat:_

_Beat 1: Spock's joke lands. Kirk hands back the report with inner amusement, then looks down._

_Beat 2: Kirk looks at McCoy, still enjoying the humor of the moment._

_Beat 3: Kirk looks at the front of the ship, still enjoying the humor._

_Beat 4: Kirk looks down for a moment, his thoughts have changed slightly. His eyes flutter about the bridge_

_Beat 5: Kirk deliberately looks over in Spock's direction and holds the stare for (give or take) three seconds._

_Beat 6: Kirk looks back to the front of the ship._

_If it wasn't for Beat 4, we'd be left to infer that Kirk was still enjoying the joke and looking over at Spock in a 'oh what a clever Vulcan' kind of way. But Beat 4 is there. He's not thinking about the joke anymore. Here is my pure speculation as an actor/writer as to what was going through his mind:_

_Beat 1: The joke Spock made_

_Beat 2: The joke Spock made_

_Beat 3: The joke Spock made_

_Beat 4: Spock_

_Beat 5: Spock_

_When I look at beats 4 and 5, I see a man thinking about something intimate. The idea of him and Spock is literally crossing his mind. Think about it: What other explanation is there? You can't just ignore Beat 4, so you can't say he's still enjoying the humor. You also can't say that this moment means nothing because this is exactly the kind of thing actors are supposed to look for and create. Look at the stills for Beat 3 and Beat 4, you simply can't tell me that there isn't a change, and given the moment as a whole you also can't tell me that he wasn't thinking about Spock.)))_

****End of episode! Where are the stats so far?

Times Kirk resists/ignores a pretty woman when he has no reason to: 2


	4. 1x04 The Enemy Within

**Author's Note: **There's a lot of thought provoking stuff in this episode, but you won't hurt my feelings if you skip past it. There's also a ton of really tasty bits as well. Fun for everyone.

* * *

**Episode Four: The Enemy Within**

This episodes doesn't waste any time starting up. Kirk, Sulu and co. are exploring a strange planet creatively named Planet 177. Their life threatening mission is to "collect samples."

_(((Sulu is holding the most hi-larious "alien being" ever conceived: It's a dog in a costume fit for a muppet. I hope that poor animal got paid extra for the humiliation. It even has a horn coming out of its head. Greatness.)))_

Kirk makes a comment about the planet getting to 120 degrees below zero at night, and right then a random crewman is caught in a very minor landslide. He got covered in a yellow 'dust' and cut his hand pretty badly so Kirk tells him to beam up and get to sickbay.

Scotty beams up the poor kid, but it takes longer than usual. The kid comes through okay and Scotty scans him to figure out what he's covered with. We find it's some 'magnetic ore' and the kid is dismissed to get decontaminated.

_(((Hmmm…a magnetic ore passing through the transporter? Could that be something serious? Something they should properly investigate before reducing anyone else to mere particles and reassembling them in a different location?_

…_nah._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Well now the transporter is all screwed up, and Kirk is ready to get back to the ship. Scotty does his magic and everything looks okay. He beams up Kirk, but this also takes longer than normal. When Kirk finally arrives on the ship, he's a little lightheaded and stumbles down the steps. Still woozy, Scotty escorts him out of the transporter room, leaving it unattended.

But wait, the transporter isn't quite finished yet.

Someone else comes through the transporter, he turns around, and it's…Kirk? But something is obviously wrong, because the dramatic close up, even more dramatic music, and eyeliner under Kirk's eyes says so.

Oh no, title credits!!

Coming back from commercial, we're told that a transporter malfunction resulted in an 'alter ego' of Kirk being duplicated.

_(((Before you say "PSSSHHHH no way wheteva dats stoopid lulz," just calm the fuck down. Way crazier shit happens in the Star Trek universe, 'kay? If you can buy alternate universe or time travel or even that zany dog-in-a-costume, you can buy this. Yay fiction.)))_

Evil Kirk takes a long, sinister look around the transporter room. He approaches the controls and touches them in a creepy, obsessive way.

_(((There are times in this episode where Shatner shines, and others where he doesn't. Like when he first turned around as Evil Kirk just before the title credits? Hysterical. When he looks around the room, however, he seems severely unhinged. One of the things that might come off as 'over the top' about Evil Kirk is that he's not as intelligent as Good Kirk, and he's also more animal-like in general. Evil Kirk is a much simpler, much more sinister creature.)))_

Another random crewman enters then, and Kirk is instantly on edge.

_(((The way he turns his head is the first real clue we get that he's more "animal" than anything else…and it's also kinda funny.)))_

The random crewman asks if Kirk is alright, but Evil Kirk just walks past him to get out of the room.

_(((Not before he gives a laugh-inducing look over his shoulder. It's not overly dramatic or "evil," it's just… funny. After that it looks like he scopes out the random crewmember, but he was probably just getting an evil idea.)))_

Cut to Good Kirk arriving at his quarters and thanking Scotty for his help. Scotty recommends a visit to McCoy, and Kirk says he'll go see him.

Kirk enters his quarters and leans up against the doorway, he's still a little weak. His Yeoman, Ms. Rand, is sitting at his desk with a report.

_(((Ooh la la! A cute little blonde is in his room again! We know that there's no issue what-so-ever with members of the crew becoming involved, so Mr. Sleeps-With-Only-Women should have noooo trouble making another notch in that famed bedpost of his.)))_

Rand: "Ship's manifests, sir, I think they're in order now."

Rand hands the report to Kirk.

Kirk: "Thank you, Yeoman."

Rand: "I've checked-"

Kirk: "That's all."

Rand: "Yes, sir."

_(((…well…that was…romantic…::cough::…_

_But really now, what were you expecting? Kirk has made it VERY clear up to this point that he just flat out does not like Rand, and not in a "ooo I love you in that complicated way where I express it with hatred" way. He just don't like the bitch. It's kinda sad though, 'cause she clearly has a thing for him. _

_Hmmm…you know, eventually, Spock gets an admirer that he wants nothing to do with either. How…coincidental…)))_

Now we join McCoy and the random crewman who hurt his hand in sickbay. Evil Kirk comes in and demands Sarium (sp?) Brandy. The random crewman is dismissed, and McCoy asks Evil Kirk if anything is wrong.

Evil Kirk grabs McCoy violently by the neck and demands the brandy roughly.

_(((Smoooooth.)))_

McCoy gets him the brandy, Evil Kirk uncorks it, looks at him for a second, and walks away.

_(((It's actually pretty funny. It's very "kthxbai.")))_

Now Evil Kirk is wandering the halls, downing brandy like the madman he is. He sees Rand's room and wanders inside.

Cut to a VERY, VERY interesting scene. Right off the bat we have Kirk half naked with a towel around is neck and stretching a bit. There's a knock at his door and he tells them to come in.

_(((Note that this is like the only time in history that anybody actually KNOCKS before going into someone else's room. Every other time people just barge in. Apparently in the future nobody needs locks on their doors. Yay 60s.)))_

The person comes in…and it's Spock. He looks bewildered and worried and, after he enters, a little uncomfortable.

_(((No really, the famous Mr. I'm-In-Control-of-My-Emotions looks visibly disturbed. This is definitely noteworthy, especially since he's shaken out of concern for Kirk.)_

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock, what is it?"

Spock: "Is there something I can do for you, captain?"

_(((Bow chicka WOWOW._

_How many pornos have started with that line? Srsly._

_He doesn't deliver the line in any particularly "hey big boy" kind of way, but the line itself is pretty darn interesting. The writer chooses words for a reason.)))_

We're treated to a nice shot of half nekkid Kirk.

Kirk: "Like what?"

_(((Well if it didn't sound like a porno before, it sure as shit does NOW.)))_

Spock takes a second to answer, glances down, takes a deep breath. He's fairly breathless for the whole scene, actually.

_(((Gee, I WONDER, why he would be BREATHLESS with a half naked KIRK in the ROOM? EH? EH???)))_

Spock: "Well, Dr. McCoy seems to think that I should check on you."

Kirk: "That's nice."

_(((Kirk clearly doesn't understand what's going on. It's like he's expecting Spock to be there for another reason that he's not saying. Why, whatever could that reason be?)))_

Spock looks concerned, and Kirk steps forward.

Kirk: "C'mon Spock, I know that look. What is it?"

Spock: "Well our good doctor said that you were acting like a…wildman; demanding brandy."

Kirk laughs.

Kirk: "Our good doctor's been putting you on again."

Spock: "Hm…well in that case, if you'll excuse the intrusion, captain, I'll get back to my work."

Kirk takes the towel off his shoulders and tosses it on the bed.

Kirk: "I'll tell him you were properly annoyed."

_(((The actors were damn smart here. Look at the dialogue, it practically screams AND WE'RE NOT MAKING OUT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE…?!?!, and neither Nimoy nor Shatner overplayed it, they let the words speak for themselves. Both of them are incredibly good at laying the tension on thick when the dialogue itself is normal and taking a step back when it's blatant (and, in this case, when it's blatant AND one of them is half naked). A very tricky balance, indeed._

_And before anyone says I'm digging too deep, this is EXACTLY the kind of the thing that actors are supposed to do. It's their job.)))_

The next thing you know, Spock and Kirk are in the transporter room. Scotty beamed up the hi-larious dog alien thing and now there's two of it. Scotty goes on to explain (for the slow people in the audience) that one is good and the other is bad.

Now poor little Rand goes to her room, where Evil Kirk is waiting. He's on her in less than a minute, talking some creepy bull about them both hiding feelings, but he's particularly violent so she resists. In their struggle she scratches him across the cheek hard enough to leave marks. She tries to flee the room, but once the door opens he throws her back inside. The damage has been done, though, 'cause another crewman saw them. Rand yells for him to get Spock, but before he can Evil Kirk has given him a quick one-two and sent him to the ground.

Cut to Good Kirk having no clue what Spock is talking about when it comes to Rand's attack. They leave his quarters to go straighten everything out, and once the elevator door closes we see Evil Kirk's bloody hand come into frame.

_(((One of the most giggle-worthy moments of the episode, I might add.)))_

Evil Kirk goes into Good Kirk's quarters and starts licking the blood off of his hand.

_(((He does all of this like an animal would. As cheesy as it may seem now, it still succeeds in making the point it needs to make.)))_

And now Rand is giving her testimony to Spock, Kirk, and McCoy and she's understandably embarrassed.

Rand: "You started talking about the feelings we've been having, and about us-"

Kirk: "Us?!"

_(((It's very clear from Kirk's tone that, when it comes to him and Rand, there is no "us" in any way, shape or form. Not no way, not no how. From the way he sounds, the idea is simply preposterous.)))_

Good Kirk keeps denying that he did it, and Rand mentions that Fisher (that random crewman) saw him too. Fisher confirms, and McCoy gets Fisher back to sickbay and Rand is dismissed.

Spock: "There's only one logical explanation: We have an imposter aboard."

_(((Why they haven't figured out that there's a Good and Evil Kirk yet is beyond me, but that's not the point of this side note. The point of this side note is that the only _logical_ explanation is that Kirk is LYING, not that there's an imposter. It's sweet to see that, for Spock, the idea of Kirk attempting rape is just flat out illogical. If he didn't have some kind of bias towards Kirk, he wouldn't think that way. Slashy? Borderline. Interesting? Definitely.))) _

We get back from commercial with Spock, Scotty and Kirk in the transporter room. Kirk is holding the dog alien, and Scotty reports that the transporter is still fucked up. The rest of the landing crew (including Sulu) is stuck on the planet's surface, where night is about fall and the temperature is about to get 120 degrees below zero. So basically, if the transporter isn't working soon, they're fucked.

Kirk then walks over to Spock, and this convo begins:

Spock: "About your double, Captain…"

Kirk: "Yes, uh…yes…we have to find him. Search parties, Mr. Spock. Organize search parties."

Spock has an instantly negative reaction to this idea.

Spock: "We can't take a chance on killing it. We have no previous experience, no way of knowing what would happen to you."

_(((Aw stop, you're making me blush just listening to you. Also note his reaction. He doesn't just state his reasons for being against the idea, he has a genuine, emotional reaction before he even speaks._

_Mr. Spock is sure feeling a lot in this episode for a guy who claims to have complete control over his emotions.)))_

Good Kirk has to think for a bit before telling Spock to have the search party's weapons on stun. There's something clearly wrong with his thought process, as he proves by saying he'll tell the crew what's going on. Spock immediately points out that a Captain can't look vulnerable to the crew in any way or he'll lose command. Of course Kirk is aware of this, but he's troubled as to why he forgot at that moment.

Good Kirk then orders Spock to tell him the next time he starts slipping, then leaves. Spock turns around and, even though he's holding the dog alien thing now, he has a clear moment of genuine concern.

Aaaaaand we're back from another commercial with a voice over from Good Kirk explaining that he's starting to lose his strength of will for some unknown reason, which makes decision making a wee bit difficult.

Good Kirk hops on the ship's PA system and announces that there's an imposter on board. As he talks we see Evil Kirk, in all his eyeliner glory, listening intently to Good Kirk's announcement. Good Kirk says that the imposter looks exactly like him, but can be identified by scratches on his face. He also gives the order for search parties to be arranged and to…uh…he doesn't quite remember.

Fortunately Spock has appeared by Good Kirk's side, and reminds him to remind the crew to have the phasers set on stun.

Now Evil Kirk is starting to lose it. He goes on a rampage, screaming "I'm captain Kirk!" and generally making a mess of his room.

_(((This is pretty damn funny, actually. Melodrama, thy name is Evil Kirk.)))_

Evil Kirk's identity crisis rampage brings him to the mirror, where he sees the scratches on his face. He reaches for flesh toned make up and covers up the wound, so now he looks just like Good Kirk again.

_(((Uh…does someone wanna explain why Kirk has foundation in his room? How very To Wong Foo of him._

_Also, couldn't people tell which one was evil by the eyeliner…nahhhh. Yay 60s.)))_

Evil Kirk then opens the door to leave his room, and sees a random crewmember named Wilson. Trying to impersonate Good Kirk, he orders for Wilson to give him his phaser, and the poor sap does it. Then Evil Kirk asks how Wilson is, Wilson says he's fine, which was apparently the wrong thing to say because the crewman gets a judo chop to the neck and punch to the stomach for being so damn chipper.

_(((Serves him right, mouthing off like that, saying he was fine and all. How rude.)))_

Good Kirk checks in with Sulu and the landing party on the planet.

_(((FINALLY.)))_

Sulu reports that it's already 20 degrees below zero as he shivers in his uniform.

_(((Those must be some damn amazing uniforms.)))_

Good Kirk and Spock are in the hearing room (for some reason) while this is happening, and Good Kirk cuts the transmission.

Kirk asks Spock if there's anything they can do. Spock says they beamed down heaters…

_(((Those must be some damn amazing heaters.)))_

…but they duplicated and won't work.

_(((Guess not.)))_

Then Spock gets word about what happened to poor Wilson. He then muses that Evil Kirk has all the knowledge that Good Kirk does, which means he's verrrry familiar with the ship. He asks Good Kirk where he would hide to elude a mass search, and Kirk says he'd hide in the engineering deck.

Next thing you know we're in engineering with Good Kirk and Spock as they begin to search.

_(((Isn't there something they should do first…ugh, I should know this…)))_

Spock reminds Kirk to set phasers to stun, NOT kill.

_(((Oh RIGHT. Thank you, Spock. That had been brought up so many times that I completely forgot.)))_

Just before they really start searching, this dialogue occurs:

Spock: "Don't you think we ought to get some help, captain?"

Kirk: "No, I don't want anyone to see the…"

Spock: "Captain, you ordered me to tell you-"

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, if I'm going to be the captain I need to act like one."

_(((You'd think acting like a captain would mean knowing when to ask for help…but oh well. Poor Kirk isn't in his right mind at the moment.)))_

Cut to Kirk walking on the tops of whatever the hell kind of machines they have in engineering, right above Spock and Good Kirk's heads. Spock and Good Kirk split up to search. Evil Kirk drops down to the ground when no one is watching. Tension. Walking. More tension. More walking.

At last, Evil Kirk shows up a bit behind Good Kirk and Good Kirk turns around.

_(((Yay, Mr. Eyeliner and Mr. Not-As-Much-Eyeliner finally meet!)))_

Good Kirk approaches his counterpart carefully, saying "You can't hurt me. You can't kill me."

_(((Uh, Kirk, the guy has a phaser…I'm pretty sure he CAN. You know, what with the laws of physics and everything.)))_

Evil Kirk keeps backing up, looking very intense and crazed as Good Kirk talks about how they need each other. Evil Kirk says menacingly, "I don't need you!"

And to finally bring and end to this drawn out sequence, Spock appears and nerve pinches the guy. But, alas, as Evil Kirk falls he fires the phaser and it hits some part of whatever the fuck they have in engineering.

Kirk doesn't seem so alarmed by the new hole in his ship, instead he kneels down next to Evil Kirk and looks at him for a bit.

_(((This is actually a pretty impressive split screen shot for the 60s. I bet it was expensive as all hell though.)))_

Cross fade to sickbay. McCoy tells Spock that Evil Kirk should be coming around soon and, given his physical state, he doesn't dare give him a tranquilizer. McCoy recommends tying the Evil one down, and Good Kirk agrees, but something's wrong.

Kirk: "What's the matter with me?"

Spock: "Judging from my observations, captain, you're rapidly losing the power of decision."

McCoy: "You have a point, Spock?"

_(((Translation: Tell the good folks at home what the hell this episode's about.)))_

_(((Okay everyone, hunker down. The show is gonna get cerebral on your ass.)))_

Spock: "Yes, always doctor. We have here an unusual opportunity to appraise the human mind. Or to examine, in earth terms, the roles of good and evil in a man."

Spock goes to Evil Kirk's side.

Spock: "His negative side, which you call hostility, lust, violence…

Spock turns to Good Kirk.

Spock: "…and his positive side, which earth people express as compassion, love, tenderness."

McCoy: "It's the captain's guts you're analyzing, are you aware of that, Spock?"

Spock: "Yes. And what is it that makes one man an exceptional leader? We see here indications that it is his negative side which makes him strong. That his evil side, if you will, properly controlled and disciplined, is vital to his strength. Your negative side, removed from you, the power of command begins to elude you."

Kirk: "What _is_ your point, Mr. Spock?"

_(((Translation: Gimme a good one or two lines that'll sum it up for slower members of the audience.)))_

Spock: "If you're power of command continues to weaken, you'll soon be unable to function as captain. You must be prepared for that."

_(((Okay, back up the Message Train. This episode is all about the duality of man. You can't have good without evil, intellect without drive. We all have your dark sides, and we all struggle with keeping our evil tendencies in check. This is heavy shit that can be discussed at GREAT length if one so chose, and it's the entire basis of this episode._

_Basically: If anyone says that TOS was just a silly space opera with babes and action, you have every right to kick them in the shins. Hard. I do. It works.)))_

McCoy: "You have your intellect, Jim, you can fight with that."

Kirk: "How long?"

Spock: "If I seem insensitive as to what you're going through, captain, understand…it's the way I am."

A verrrry slight smile tugs at the corner of Kirk's mouth.

_(((WHOA Nellie, hold up, put on the brakes. After being blindsided with all of the intellectual mumbo jumbo, did I see a bit of SLASH dance cross my screen?_

_First of all, Spock's comment comes straight out of bumblefuck nowhere. WHY did Spock say that? From a writer's perspective, it looks like he doesn't want Kirk thinking he's just an insensitive prick, which would mean that he _cares_ what Kirk thinks about him. Also, him saying "It's the way I am" is BULL. SHIT. We know he's an emotional being, he's half human. And the line itself comes from a place of emotional need so scratch the Spock-is-emotionless theory. Hell, in a couple of episodes we get to see him break down entirely. Fun times._

_Secondly, we have Kirk's slight smile, like he understands completely. Once again, I've gotta compliment Shatner. The corner of his mouth BARELY moves, his expression BARELY changes, but it's THERE, and it says a lot. From (literally) the second before, we know that Kirk's mind was still troubled with the situation at hand thanks to Shatner's ability to think on camera. He hears Spock's words, gets the message, and while he's still worried about everything, we see him acknowledge that he understands what Spock is saying. Good on Shatner for being able to portray that moment. _

_Anyway, there's a plot to this episode, and it's moving forward.)))_

Now Good Kirk gets word from Scotty that the place Evil Kirk shot at as he fell down was where the main circuits for the transporter were, and they've been burned to all hell.

_(((So they've been having transporter trouble the whole episode, and the one place Evil Kirk shoots happens to be the main circuits? Small universe.)))_

Now we get to check in with Sulu and the landing party as they curl up with a blanket.

_(((Yeah, that's right. A blanket. Not three, not two, one. A single blanket that looks like somebody deflated a giant fabric beach ball. The blanket must be made of Awesome.)))_

Sulu: "Temperature still dropping, now forty one degrees below zero."

Kirk: "We've located the trouble, it shouldn't be much longer."

Sulu: "You think you might be able to find a long rope somewhere and lower us a pot of hot coffee?"

Cut to Kirk as Sulu's humor in the face of possible death tugs at his heartstrings.

Kirk: "I'll see what we can do."

Sulu: "Rice wine will do if you're short on coffee."

_(((I gotta admit, even though Sulu and company should be meatsicles, Sulu shows great strength and hope at forty below zero.)))_

Kirk contacts Scotty then, to see how things are going. Scotty reports that it can't be repaired in less than a week.

_(((Well balls.)))_

We get back from commercials to hear a Captain's Log. Long story short: A shitty situation has gotten shittier. It's now 75 degrees below zero on the planet and Kirk still feels his all around captainy nature draining out of him.

On the planet, Sulu fires a phaser at some rocks to heat them up and calls Kirk.

_(((NOW everyone has their own blanket. Granted, the blankets looks about as useful as lube to a eunuch, but still.)))_

Sulu keeps phrasing everything in an endearingly humorous way, and it's killing Kirk to hear it while being able to do nothing to help them. Sulu asks if they'll be beamed up anytime soon, and Kirk can't bring himself to answer. Spock swoops in to Kirk's rescue then, and answers for him.

_(((Spock really does swoop in to Kirk's rescue. From the beginning of the scene we're made to believe that Kirk is alone in the meeting room, when suddenly Spock appears. It's a sweet little gesture. Slashy? It can't be determined. It's still sweet, though, and another indication that Spock gives a damn.)))_

Cut to Evil Kirk screaming and yelling in his bed and causing a ruckus in the most hi-larious of ways. McCoy tells Good Kirk that Evil Kirk is dying and Good Kirk sits by his counterpart.

_(((This is another really well done split screen shot. It looks so good that I wonder if it was part of remastering they did. Bravo!)))_

Good Kirk takes the evil one's hand and tries to encourage him to not be afraid. It seems to calm Evil Kirk down, then he suddenly passes out. McCoy goes to get some brandy, and Good Kirk has some interesting thoughts to say out loud.

Kirk: "I have to take him back inside myself. I can't survive without him. I don't want to take him back. He's like an animal. A thoughtless, brutal animal…yet it's me. Me."

_(((Yet again: TOS had just as much brains as it had brawn, sometimes more so, and any naysayer deserves to be kicked in the shins. I do it. It works._

_I won't dissect the following, I just transcribed it because it speaks for itself. These are pretty compelling thoughts period, let alone for a 60s tv show.)))_

McCoy comes back with brandy and they drink.

McCoy: "We all have our darker side, we need it. It's half of what we are. It's not really ugly, it's human."

Kirk: "Human."

McCoy: "Yes, human. A lot of what he is makes you the man you are. God forbid I should have to agree with Spock, but he was right. Without the negative side, you wouldn't be the captain, you couldn't be and you know it. Your strength of command lies mostly in him."

Kirk: "What do I have?"

McCoy: "You have the goodness."

Kirk: "Not enough. I have a ship to command."

McCoy: "The intelligence, the logic. It appears your half has most of that. And perhaps that's where man's essential courage comes from. For you see, he was afraid and you weren't."

_(((TOS. Brains. Naysayers. Shins. Works.)))_

While all of the brainy stuff is going on, Evil Kirk has woken up. Spock calls Kirk to the transporter room, where we find out that everything should be working now. Spock recommends that they send the dog alien thing through as a test subject. Kirk takes a second to make the decision.

Spock: "Captain…"

Kirk: "Yes, go ahead."

_(((Now, the word 'captain' doesn't look like much on the page, but on screen it says much more. Spock's tone up until then was perfectly normal, but when he saw Kirk start to flounder, his tone changed to a more gentler one. Just one of the many subtleties in Nimoy's portrayal of Spock.)))_

They put both dogs in the transporter and beam them down to the planet. There's a moment of waiting while Kirk and Spock stare at each other.

_(((Kirk's expression is perfectly explainable because his life is on the line. Spock's expression, on the other hand, is very interesting. In that one little moment (at minute 35:25, for those who want to look) we see that Spock _cares_ about the outcome of this test just as much as Kirk does. He's showing deep, genuine concern, which is an emotion. Slash-wise it can be explained either way, he's worried because Kirk is his friend or he's worried because Kirk is his friend _and_ there's something else there. _

_The point is that the latter explanation is a perfectly REASONABLE assumption. There's plenty of evidence up until (and after) this point, to believe that Spock gives a damn because something romantic is developing between them. I mean, hell, Kirk was blatantly flirting with him earlier in this very episode, so it's a logical conclusion.)))_

Well they beam the animal back and it's one piece but, whups, the shock killed it.

Commercial!

This time it's Spock giving a Captain's Log, and he states what's happening AGAIN, for the people who are just tuning in.

As we hear his voice over, we see Spock on the bridge, standing in between Sulu's station and Kirk's empty chair. Spock turns to the chair, puts a hand on the arm, stares at it for a few seconds, then goes to the elevator.

_(((We're clearly meant to think that Spock is thinking about Kirk. The adorable little Vulcan is still worried. How sweet. =D )))_

Spock arrives to the sickbay where Kirk and McCoy are. Spock argues that Kirk has more capability to take the shock than a dog alien and Kirk should risk transporting. McCoy argues that it's too risky and that he should have time to do an autopsy on the dog alien while Spock checks out the transporter again.

Meanwhile, poor little Kirk just can't make up his mind. Spock and McCoy argue, and this very interesting bit happens:

McCoy: "You can't risk your life on a theory!"

Spock: "Being split in two halves is no theory with me, doctor. I have a human half, you see, as well as an alien half, submerged, constantly at war with each other. Personal experience, doctor. I survive it because my intelligence wins out over both, makes them live together.

_(((Rarely do we ever hear Spock acknowledge his human half, much less that his emotions are always battling his logic. I mean sure we figured as much, but to hear him admit it is a completely different thing._

_Also, ain't it funny that in the same episode where a half naked Kirk flirts with Spock, Spock talks about constantly being at war with himself? It's nothing definite, but then if Spock went around talking about how he can't decide if he should let himself jump Kirk, the show wouldn't have lasted all that long.)))_

Well poor Kirk just can't make up his mind, at least until Spock asks if he's relinquishing command, then Kirk momentarily gets a little of his mojo back.

_(((There's some really pretty music playing during this bit. Normally the music is very BAHHHH WE'RE FROM THE 60s AND WE'RE DRAMATIC BAHHHH but during that it's actually quite lovely in a vaguely creepy kind of way.)))_

Kirk tells Spock to get the transporter ready, and then tells McCoy to keep investigating.

Now that Kirk is good and conflicted, the writer decided to really punch him in the gut. Sulu checks in again, and now it's 117 below zero and they're all nearly dead, which hurts Kirk to no end.

Kirk decides to go through the transporter and unties Evil Kirk while holding a phaser on him. Evil Kirk seems a little pooped (wouldn't you be?) and says he won't fight anymore.

Evil Kirk stands, gets woozy, and faints into Good Kirk's arms but AHA! Evil Kirk was just being evil! Imagine that!

He uses the momentum from the fall to back Good Kirk into the wall and overpower him.

Now we see Evil Kirk run into Yeoman Rand in the hallway. He pretends to be Good Kirk and asks if he can go to her room later and explain this whole mess. She agrees.

_(((We all know he's setting her up to get attacked again, and even though Rand says yes you can tell she's a bit wary of the whole thing. Here in a bit we find out that she knew it wasn't Good Kirk, so I guess she's not completely stupid.)))_

Now things get REALLY interesting, plot wise. Evil Kirk gets to the bridge and orders that the ship just leaves Sulu and company to freeze. Spock is surprised, but ultimately doesn't argue. Just then…BUM BUM BUM BUUUUMMMM, Good Kirk and McCoy enter the bridge. It falls to Spock to figure out who's who. Without even the slightest hesitation, Spock takes his place next to the real Good Kirk.

_(((Yet another moment that shows how well Spock knows Kirk. ::Sigh::)))_

Well Evil Kirk really shoots himself in the foot and loses his cool in front of everyone, going bat shit insane and yelling all over the place about how the ship is his and he wants to live. Good Kirk finally embraces Evil Kirk, assuring him that he will live and embraces him.

_(((Evil Kirk's expressions are quite priceless, just fyi. Yay 60s.)))_

Cut to Good Kirk holding Evil Kirk in the transporter.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock.

Spock: "Captain?"

Kirk: "If this doesn't work…"

There's a full three seconds of dead silence. They stare at each other.

Spock: "Understood, captain."

They look at each other for another two seconds, then Spock turns away.

_(((WHAT?!?! UNDERSTOOD __**WHAT**__?!?!_

_I'll tell you what: Kirk just said, in so many words, "Hey, if I die right now, I want you to know that I'm aware of what's been happening with us." And what does Spock say? "Understood." He gets it! They get it! AND IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU._

_Some people might try to make the argument that Kirk was saying "Hey, if anything goes wrong, kill me." But that just doesn't make any sense. Kirk knows that if something is gonna go wrong, it's gonna be him dying of shock. There is NO other way to interpret this moment, especially when you watch the footage itself. It's what everyone should just naturally assume._

_For example: In the brand new Star Trek film (which was awesome), right before Spock and Kirk split up and go off for the big last battle against Nero, Spock says "If this doesn't work, tell Uhura-" and Kirk says, "Yeah, I know. It'll work."_

_We are left to naturally assume that Spock wanted to tell Uhura that he loved her in case he died._

_It's the EXACT same situation here, only it's with two men, and there's nothing wrong with that.)))_

So long story short (too late), Kirk goes through the transporter and comes out good as new.

_(((If you catch Spock's reaction to this good news, you can see that he's extremely relieved.)))_

They beam Sulu etc back on board and all they've got is a bit of frostbite but they'll be fine.

_(((Friggin. Amazing. Blankets.)))_

And just in case you weren't slashed out by the end of this episode, we next see this scene between Spock and Kirk on the bridge:

Kirk enters the bridge, sees Spock, and heads straight for him.

"All sections report ready, sir," Spock says in his normal, dutiful tone.

Kirk nods and says, "Good," as he looks around the bridge for a moment. Then he looks at Spock and speaks again, this time with a little smile, "Thank you, Mr. Spock," his grin gets a touch wider, "from both of us."

"Shall I pass that on to the crew, sir?" Spock replies with a hint of playfulness.

"The imposter's back where he belongs," Kirk says, "let's forget it."

_(((Okay seriously, were people blind in the 60s? Remember earlier when I said that Nimoy and Shatner were really good at taking a step back with the text itself was flirtatious enough, and laying it on when it wasn't? This is a PERFECT example, and it happens right smack dead in the same episode as the half naked flirty scene._

_Throughout this little interaction, Spock has the SAME expression he had after the infamous 'emotional security' line in The Corbomite Maneuver. It's that inner smile that only surfaces through his eyes and mayyyyybe a little in his mouth. They are FLIRTING. AGAIN. It's only the fourth episode, for crying out loud! How in the name of donkey dragons did they get away with this?!?! _

_Then you have Spock's oh-so-clever little "Shall I pass this on to the crew?" Come ON, guys, get a ROOM already. CHRIST. _

_Not only that, but after Kirk starts walking away, we get to see Spock still STARING at Kirk with the SAME inner smile. Lawdy, people, what more do you want from them?! _

_I __**wonder**__ how __**this**__ show gave __**birth**__ to __**slash**__?)))_

Kirk then happens upon Rand.

Rand: "The imposter told me what happened, and what I'd like to say is…well I.."

Kirk (with a polite smile): "Thank you, Yeoman."

_(((Note the difference between Kirk's _polite_ smile at Rand and his fond, intimate smiles with Spock. The difference isn't "wishful thinking," there's a real, literal _difference_.)))_

Rand heads over to Spock and gives him a report to sign.

Spock (in a wickedly knowing tone): "The imposter had some interesting qualities, wouldn't you say, Yeoman?"

He then smiles to himself as Rand walks away mildly offended.

_(((Why SPOCK, you little devil! FLAUNTING everything RIGHT in Yeoman's face like that! No really, look at that bit. It's at about minute 48:50. _

_Spock, you dirty bitch, I had no idea you could be so human! He basically told her, "Haha, the captain doesn't give a shit about youuu, he likes meee, ha ha ha ha HA ha!!"_

_I'm not embellishing! It's right there!_

_It's right in front of you, ladies and gentlemen. Hidden right out there for all the world to see. Yet again we find a moment that has NO other possible explanation.)))_

So the episode is over, thank god. After the bombardment of slashy goodness, I need to catch my breath!

****The score so far?

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 1

Times Kirk loses/rips/has no shirt - 3


	5. 1x05 The Man Trap

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the great feedback so far, I appreciate all of the encouragement. Please keep it up! I love hearing from people.

* * *

**Episode Five: The Man Trap**

Okie dokie, let's see here…Kirk, McCoy, and some random crewman named Darnell are beaming down to the planet with the exciting name, N113. Spock is holding down the fort on the ship. What the crap are they doing on N113? A routine medical examination of archaeologist Bob Krater and his wife.

_(((Why the captain has to be present for a scheduled check up isn't explained…but we can all guess that he needs to be there 'cause he's the star of the show and this is where the interesting shit's gonna happen.)))_

In the Captain's Log we learn that the wife is "that one woman from McCoy's past."

_(((That's right folks, the Dame of the Hour has _nothing_ to do with Kirk. Are you surprised? I'm not.)))_

Kirk has a little fun with McCoy, asking him if he's gonna pick some flowers for her. It's clear that he's not terribly stressed about the situation, which is completely normal. The trio goes into the archaeologist's place and wait. The wife, Nancy, shows up and McCoy is smitten and surprised that she looks so young for her age. He introduces Nancy to Kirk, and all of the sudden she's got grayer, poofier hair. Then McCoy introduces her to Darnell, and now she's a smokin' hot blonde with pretty blue eyes.

_(((Confused? Good. We're not supposed to know why each guy is seeing her in a completely different way yet. A red flag is definitely up, though.)))_

Darnell comments that Nancy looks like a chick he used to know, which offends McCoy and Kirk sends the poor kid outside. Nancy says she'll go find her husband, Bob, so they can get on with the whole medical exam thing. She passes Darnell on her way out and is a hot blonde again, strutting her stuff in front of him. Darnell follows. Opening credits.

We come back and Kirk spells it out for us in a voice over that none of them knew that they were each seeing a different Nancy. Bob arrives, and he's kind of douchebag. He not-so-gently asks for them to GTFO, but oh hey on your way out leave some salt tablets, k?

Kirk lays down the law and Bob gives in. Bob hears Kirk call McCoy by his name, and he recognizes it but he's not bugged by his presence. McCoy starts his med exam and all is well until it's not.

We hear Nancy scream her head off, and Kirk is out the door in a flash, with Bob and McCoy following behind.

They find Nancy standing over Darnell's dead body, still screaming.

_(((The random crewman died? NO. WAY.)))_

Kirk kneels next to Darnell and sees some weird plant in the kid's mouth and some bizarre red circles covering his face. Kirk demands to know what happened, and Nancy tells a story with a lot of unnecessary, weepy pauses about how she was just telling Darnell that what he said earlier didn't bug him and he had already eaten a Borsia plant, and Borsia = Death.

Well in light of there being a dead guy and all, Kirk says they'll finish the examinations tomorrow and contacts Scotty to beam them up. Nancy makes a point to ask Bob if he remembered to request salt tablets.

_(((Don't' be TOO obvious or anything, Nancy, you wouldn't want anyone to find you WEIRD.)))_

And we're back on the Enterprise. Spock is in Kirk's chair, working, and Uhura approaches. She tries to flirt with Spock, and the moves soar completely over Spock's head.

_(((We're supposed to get that, in this episode at least, Uhura is lonely. Lonely people hit on people. Since she never, ever makes another move on Spock of even the slightest magnitude, we can reasonably assume that Uhura hitting on Spock was the easiest way the writer found to get the 'Uhura is lonely' message across in less than sixty seconds. During the brief flirt she all but says 'I. AM. LONELY. TALK. TO. ME.' _

_The bit really isn't any kind of indication that Uhura seriously has a thing for Spock. And besides, Nichelle Nicols said herself that her approach to that relationship was mentor/student, with her as the student obviously.)))_

Uhura gives up on Spock and goes to leave, but then Spock gets word that the landing party has returned with one dead and Spock simply confirms that he got the message. Uhura, who is standing mostly behind him at this moment, begins this dialogue:

Uhura: "I don't believe it."

Spock: "Explain."

Uhura: "You explain. That means that somebody is _dead_ and you just sit there. It could be captain Kirk, he's the closest thing you have to a friend."

Spock: "Lieutenant, my demonstration of concern will not change what has happened. Transporter room is very well manned and they will call me if they need my assistance."

_(((But Brittany, why did you single out this dialogue? It's pretty cut and dry, totally normal, nothing exciting going on heWRONG._

_What Uhura doesn't see between the time Spock gets the information and when she finally speaks up is that Spock _IS_ concerned. We see it right there on his face. His expression isn't exploding with overwrought distress, but then that's Spock for you. Spock = subtle, unless it's a very, VERY special occasion and we all know that Spock has had plenty of times just like this when Kirk may have been the one to get killed so, while this isn't a completely abnormal circumstance, he's still concerned._

_Also, Spock's last line in this little scene, though it looks routine on the page, was delivered with a certain degree of frustration and agitation, with a dash of rudeness thrown in. The subtext would read something along the lines of, "Look bitch, I AM worried but that's an _emotion_. I'm Vulcan too, damnit. Go. Away."_

_His behavior had been typical Spock until he got word that someone was dead, then his attitude changed. We know he was concerned. It's cute. Deal with it.)))_

Cut to a bit later. Kirk and McCoy are in sickbay with Darnell's body. Spock chimes in from the bridge to say that the Borsia plant is indeed poisonous, but it doesn't cause those freaky red circles. Long story short: Darnell couldn't have been poisoned and, not only that, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with Darnell. No cause of death. Good times.

_(((Does this send up a red flag about Nancy's bullshit story? Of course not, we still have thirty five minutes of the episode left to fill. Silly goose.)))_

McCoy decides that now is a good time to go off in la la land about Nancy looking so good for her age, and Kirk responds with:

Kirk: "How your lost love affects your vision, doctor, doesn't interest me. I've lost a man! I wanna know what killed him!"

_(((This is the first time we really get a glimpse of how much Kirk hates to lose members of his crew. It's an aspect of his character that I really love, and it's explored a bit more as the series goes on._

_Unfortunately Kirk is the main character in Star Trek, so he better get used to losing random crewman. A lot.)))_

Well we're back from commercial and back on the bridge. Spock tells Kirk nothing terribly new, and that Bob and Nancy's history on the planet is legit. The only thing worth mentioning is that shipments of supplies to Bob and Nancy have been getting fewer and fewer over the past year.

McCoy calls Kirk to sickbay and Spock tags along. They find out that Darnell's body doesn't have a speck of salt in it and that the red rings aren't 'skin modeling' like McCoy originally thought. McCoy acknowledges his mistakes, but Kirk smiles a friendly little smile and says that he's not keeping track and apologizes for biting his head off earlier.

Kirk connects the amazingly complex and confusing dots between Darnell's body lacking salt and Bob and Nancy's demand for ::gasp:: salt.

Next thing you know Kirk is back on the planet and questioning Bob, firstly about where Nancy is. When Bob doesn't give a straight answer, Kirk orders some crewman schmuck named Green to go find her and he scampers off.

When Bob protests to them being there (AGAIN) Kirk says that there's something down here that killed one of his men and it could go after them too. Bob doesn't seem terribly afraid.

_(((Does anybody wonder why? Nope. Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk insists that Bob and Nancy stay on the Enterprise until the unknown predator is found.

_(((Oy.)))_

While Kirk contacts Spock to make the arrangements, Bob scampers off and discovers the other random crewman to be dead just like Darnell. We then see Nancy standing over Green's dead body as Bob yells for her, trying to tempt her out into the open with salt tablets.

Nancy then turns into a double of Green and reports to Kirk.

_(((This isn't gonna get complicated at all. Not at all.)))_

McCoy then starts freaking out because they can't find Nancy.

Kirk: "You could learn something from Mr. Spock, doctor. Stop thinking with your glands!"

_(((Many thanks to _sniffre_ for bringing this lovely bit to my attention. How on earth did I miss this? So Kirk tells McCoy to be more like Spock in these situations. Why, it just so happens that we just saw Spock in this situation! Remember when they got word that someone was dead, but Spock kept his cool even though, as Uhura pointed out herself, it could've been the captain? Kirk's line here draws a direct parallel between McCoy being worried to pieces about a past lover and Spock being worried about Kirk. Is this the last time we see a parallel like this? Hell no! _

_Now WHY would Roddenberry DO THAT? Think about it for a second, I'm sure something will come to you... _

_XD )))  
_

Yadda yadda, Nancy's now roaming around the ship, yadda yadda, Nancy runs into Yeoman Rand with a tray of food and salt on it, blah blah, interesting camera angle on Spock and Kirk leaning over the scanner thingy and it's cute 'cause they're close together, yadda yadda, oh yeah, then this bit happens:

Rand passes by two random crewman with the tray.

Crewman #1: "How 'bout that, huh?"

Crewman #2: "How'd you like to have _her_ as your own personal yeoman?"

_(((This is a good example of how normal, red blooded dudes respond to something they're attracted to. Does this remind you of how Kirk treats Rand? What's that? Not at all? _

_My point exactly.)))_

Okay, let's go Cliffs Notes…Nancy (still disguised as Green) follows Rand into the botany room where she gives Sulu his dinner…there's a really hilarious plant that's clearly a hand in a plastic costume…Nancy freaks out Sulu….the hand plant freaks out Nancy…Nancy runs into Uhura and turns into a hot black man to hit on her in Swahili in an attempt to suck the salt out of her…Nancy's got a thing about biting her knuckle…McCoy can't sleep…Kirk recommends taking those red pills to help him sleep…Kirk eats some stuff that looks like multicolored chunks of cantaloupe…Nancy turns back into Nancy and McCoy finds her…she gets him to take those pills to sleep…once he's passed out Nancy turns into McCoy…Kirk mentions that the creature (whatever the fuck it is) can paralyze victims in their tracks with some kind of alien super awesome power…Kirk and Spock go down the planet to talk to Bob…Bob doesn't wanna talk…Spock finds Green and gets Kirk…Kirk puts the ship on alert like a good lil captain…Bob fires some kind of phaser-esque weapon at them and forces them to crawl around on the ground…Spock crawls up to Kirk and yet again they're cute 'cause they're close…Nancy (as McCoy) pops up on the bridge and stares at everyone which isn't weird at all no wait yes it is but nobody notices…Kirk and Spock get the drop on Bob…Bob decides to FINALLY tell everyone what the crap Nancy is…Nancy is that last of her kind…something about a comparison between Nancy's race going extinct and the buffalo going extinct…oh shit the real Nancy's been dead for a couple of years…now that they all know the creature is a shapeshifter they all have a meeting only McCoy is really Nancy…oh the irony…ah yes, then Bob starts talking.

Kirk (to Bob): "I'll forego charges up to this point, but this creature's aboard my ship and I'll have it, or I'll have your skin, or both. Now where is it?"

Bob: "I loved Nancy very much."

_(((Oh WELL then, why didn't you say so? We'll just drop you off at your creatively named planet and go then. Oh wait, people are DYING.)))_

Bob: "Few women like my Nancy. She lives in my dreams, she walks and sings in my dreams."

Kirk: "And it becomes Nancy for you?"

Bob: "Not because of tricks, it doesn't trick me."

_(((Does it trick you?)))_

Bob: "It needs love as much as it needs salt."

_(((WHOA. When did we make the jump to human/salt-sucking-shapeshifter mating?)))_

Bob: "When it killed Nancy I almost destroyed it…but it isn't just a beast."

_(((It's a SEXY beast.)))_

Bob: "It is intelligent, and the last of it's kind."

_(((So I porked it. Pretty run-of-the-mill story, really.)))_

Kirk: "You bleed too much, Krater. You're too pure and noble. You saving the last of its kind or has this become Krater's private heaven here on this planet? This thing becomes wife, lover, best friend, wise man, fool, idle slave. Isn't a bad life, to have everyone in the universe at your beck and call, and you win all the arguments."

_(((Okay, as I was transcribing Kirk's speech I noticed something. The camera is on Kirk for the whole speech, EXCEPT when Kirk says 'lover, best friend, wise man.' For those three descriptions, and those three ONLY, it cuts away…to Spock. _

_Now it's probably just a coincidence…but that's one FUCK of a coincidence. Draw your own conclusion.)))_

Bob: "You don't understand."

_(((We sure as fuck don't, Bob. We sure. as fuck. do not.)))_

_(((So for those keeping track: Episode one was about men obtaining the power of Gods. Episode two was about learning of different cultures peacefully. Episode three was about the overly idealistic picture they had of wives back then. Episode four concentrated on the duality of man. Episode five is about alternate relationships and the extinction of endangered species._

_Gene Roddenberry sure as shit knew how to have a controversial show. Now, gee, what else would make a show controversial in the 60s? Let. Me. Think._

_Might I also add that while this big, revealing scene about an alternate relationship between a human and an alien is going on, Nancy is disguised as McCoy. A man. Bob is a man. Fascinating.)))_

Spock offers to escort McCoy (who's still Nancy) and Bob to sickbay so that Bob can get a dose of truth serum so he'll help them find Nancy. They exit, but not before Spock looks off camera in Kirk's direction and holds the look for a moment.

_(((Hm, so after the big alternative relationship scene, Spock looks over at Kirk for a good solid moment as he's leaving. You know, if this mind doesn't stop reeling it's gonna get motion sickness.)))_

Well it turns out the whole escort thing didn't really pan out, 'cause the next thing you know Kirk is running down the hall to get to Spock in sickbay.

_(((Yeah that's right. Kirk. Running. To Spock.)))_

Spock is laying on the examination table with a cut on his forehead. Kirk is by his side, listening.

Spock: "It wasn't McCoy, it was the creature. It hit me. Krater grabbed my phaser. I wondered about McCoy. Doubt had crossed my mind."

Rand then discovers Bob in connecting room, dead as a doornail.

_(((Guess to the salt sucker it was just a physical thing.)))_

Why didn't it kill Spock too? He's half Vulcan, his blood cells are different than humans. Duh.

Now Nancy's changed back into, well, Nancy. She goes to the real McCoy (ha) and wakes him up with some panicky begging to not let them kill her. McCoy is understandably confused, and Kirk arrives on the scene.

Kirk tries to explain that Nancy's not Nancy, but a killer creature. McCoy doesn't buy it. Kirk tempts Nancy with salt. Nancy tries to get McCoy to make Kirk go away. People start raising their voices. McCoy tries to take Kirk's gun, Kirk pushes McCoy out of the way, Nancy takes the salt and paralyzes Kirk with her mind tricksies.

_(((This is actually a pretty well done moment of building tension. Bravo.)))_

Now McCoy is standing near the door (too stunned to be useful) and Kirk is helpless at the hands of Nancy. Nancy puts her hands on Kirk's face and…Spock arrives!

"It's killing the captain!" Spock yells, "Shoot it, doctor, quickly!"

"No!" McCoy refuses.

Spock grabs McCoy and tries to wrench the phaser from him, but when that doesn't immediately work Spock lunges for Nancy and puts himself between her and Kirk.

"It's killing the Captain!" Spock yells again, "Shoot! Quick!"

"I won't shoot Nancy," McCoy swears.

Spock makes a big fist out both of his hands and strikes Nancy repeatedly, "This is not Nancy! If she were Nancy, could she take this?!"

Spock then proceeds to beat the shit out of her.

"Stop it!" McCoy shouts, "Stop it, Spock! Stop it!"

_(((Well damn, now we know what happens if someone threatens Spock's man. Christ.)))_

Nancy has finally had enough and backhands Spock across the room.

Nancy approaches Kirk again, and we finally get to see what Nancy _really_ looks like…and she looks like one of those fish that suck the algae off the glass of the tank, only with muppet-like hairy arms, a long gray wig, and brown netting to hide its naughty bits from the children in the audience.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

The creature formerly known as Nancy puts her hands on Kirk's face again, and this time Kirk screams in agony. McCoy finally does SOMETHING, and shoots the thing. It turns back into Nancy in one final attempt to appeal to McCoy, but he kills it anyway.

Well that was exciting (no sarcasm intended, it really was). I'd end it here, but there's a tiny bit that happens that I'd like to mention:

So everyone's back on the bridge. Kirk is in his chair, McCoy's standing by Kirk, and Spock wanders over to Kirk's other side when he notices that the captain's in a daze.

"Something wrong captain?" Spock asks.

Kirk snaps out of his thoughts and looks at Spock. Then he manages a smile as he says, "I was thinking about the buffalo, Mr. Spock."

Kirk looks over at McCoy, who also manages to smile for a second before returning to his gloomy inner thoughts.

_(((HmmmmMmMMmmMmmmmm. Okay…McCoy is bummed that Nancy was dead all this time. Done. Kirk is bummed about the last of a species being snuffed out. Done. But look at Spock after Kirk answers him. He's doing that infamous 'inner smile' thing again, like he thinks it's cute (in a non-condescending way) that Kirk is bummed about the species going extinct. It's a lovely little bit from Spock. _

_Sure it's small, but I figured that while I'm going through every episode for this kind of thing, I might as well pay attention to detail. Besides, small moments are still moments, no?)))_

Thus endeth The Man Trap!

_

* * *

  
_

_****_Every five episodes I'll throw in all of the stats so far as opposed to those only featured in the specific episode.

Times Spock is injured: 1

Times a God-like entity is featured: 1

Pointless rolls: 1

Times Spock Says 'Fascinating': 1

Times Kirk resists/ignores a pretty woman when he has no reason to: 3

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions: 1

Random Crewman Body Count: 4

Times Kirk rips/has no shirt: 3

Time that time travel is featured

Ship Taken Hostage

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet

Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship

Times all of mankind are threatened

Times a disease threatens the crew

Time the transporter breaks

Times immortality is found

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman

Times Kirk is injured

Times Kirk Gets Laid

Times Kirk Dies

Kirk Taken Hostage

Times Kirk outsmarts computer

Times Spock Dies

Spock 'Fascinating'

Times Kirk and Spock wind up exploring an area alone together


	6. 1x06 The Naked Time

**Author's Note: **I'd just like to point out that this is the second episode in a row with a title that sounds like the name of a gay bar. That is all.

Oh, and this also has one of my favorite TOS scenes ever (its a very popular K/S scene in general). _That_ is all.

* * *

**Episode Six: The Naked Time**

Kirk: "Captain's Log. Our position: Orbiting Sy 2000. An ancient world now a frozen wasteland about to rip apart in its death throes. Our mission: Pick up a scientific party below, observe the disintegration of the planet."

_(((In case you couldn't guess, this is one of the more jolly TOS episodes.)))_

Spock and random crewman Joe beam down to the planet to find the place covered in, what we're meant to see as, ice.

_(((In reality it looks like the place is covered in at least six inches of dust. Oh, and the suits they have on to prevent contamination? Orange beekeeper-esque things with a shit ton of gold circles all over them and a 'helmet' that's so baggy it leaves a huge gap between their neck and the rest of the suit. Yay. 60s.)))_

Well they're there to get the scientists but whups, everyone's dead. Spock leans over a mannequin- er, a dead woman, and the random crewman arrives to report that there's a dead guy in the shower, fully clothed. Every dead person looks like they didn't care what was happening to them, which is creepy (to say the least).

_(((Hold on to your suspension of disbelief, the next thirty seconds is gonna take it for a ride.)))_

Spock goes off to have a look for himself while the random crewman keeps investigating. His nose itches, so like any sane person he takes off the glove that's meant to protect him from everything around him and scratches his nose.

_(((WOW. But hey, I'm sure he'll put it right back on.)))_

He then leaves the glove off while he looks under the main desk.

_(((::Headdesk::)))_

This allows a drop of red something to fly sideways and get onto his hand. He notices this, but doesn't see anything on his hand. Just as he gets his glove back on, Spock comes in and says, "Be certain we expose ourselves to nothing."

_(((Well surely random crewman Joe will report feeling something on his EXPOSED SKIN.)))_

The random crewman says nothing.

_(((::Headdesk::)))_

Spock contacts Kirk and says that the crewmen are dead and it's like nothing they've ever dealt with before. Opening titles.

_(((Wow, 60s. Wow. Yay, but…wow.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1704.2: The science party we were to have picked up has been found dead. Life support systems had been turned off, station personnel frozen to death. Conditions highly unusual. Meanwhile, we remain in orbit to complete our mission: close scientific measurement of the break up of the planet."

Spock and the random crewman are beamed aboard, but they don't move until they're "decontaminated" by some flashy lights.

_(((Now why doesn't this cure the random crewman? I say it's because they still had their suits on, which means the contamination was protected from the decontamination. Oh the irony.)))_

Now the random crewman and Spock are in sickbay, getting checked out by McCoy.

_(((Spock doesn't have his uniform over shirt on, which means he's just in a tight black shirt…do with that information what you will.)))_

McCoy finishes with Joe and Spock hops up on the examination table and checks out fine. Meanwhile, Joe is sitting across the room trying to wipe some invisible something off his hands that apparently makes a rattlesnake sound.

_(((60s…I fucking love you.)))_

Kirk shows up, and Joe confesses that he's disturbed by what he saw, and he's wondering if man was meant to be in space.

Now we're in the briefing room, watching the record tapes from Spock and Joe's expedition.

_(((Spock and Joe's…they should open a burger joint together.)))_

Spock suggests that it might be some kind of space madness they've never heard of. After discussing for a bit, Kirk puts a question to everyone.

Kirk: "Question: Could what happened down there to those people create any unusual danger to this vessel and crew?"

_(((No. I mean, unless a dumbfuck random crewmember took his glove off on the highly contaminated planet and didn't tell anybody, then you'd be screwed. But nobody's stupid enough to do THAT.)))_

Kirk doesn't really get a concrete answer, except that Scotty mentions he can get this ship out of anything so no worries. Kirk gets word that the destruction of the planet has started, and the meeting is adjourned.

Cut to Joe getting his lunch, and we're treated to another hand-wipe-on-shirt-leads-to-rattlesnake-sound moment. Sulu and random crewman O'Reilly come in, and Joe bites their head off, rambling about how if men were meant to be in space they wouldn't need life support. In all of his craziness he picks up the knife from his plate and threatens them with it, then turns it on himself. Sulu and O'Reilly try to get it from him, and in the struggle he falls on his own damn knife and stabs himself.

_(((And by 'stabs himself' I means 'has a red stain on his shirt.' If the 60s we're a person, I'd have sex with it. Yay 60s.)))_

O'Reilly calls for medics, but alas! The rattlesnake sound effect has gotten to his hand too!

Commercial break.

And we're back. The planet's self destruction is coming along nicely, actually a little too nicely. It's shrinking in on itself a bit faster than anticipated.

Oh no! Sulu's hand makes rattlesnake noises too! Octo liebe!

Now we get to watch a cozy little convo about the mental state of Joe between Kirk and Spock as they lean over Spock's scanner.

_(((This convo is all business. As I said, I'm not gonna try to create a moment where there is none. But they are pretty darn close to each other, and that is cute. Those looking for fanvid material, this shot would be lovely.)))_

The gravity of the planet has started to pull at the Enterprise, Kirk has them compensate to remain steady.

McCoy is stitching up Joe's simple stab wound, yet he seems to be dying. In fact, he's dead.

McCoy calls Kirk to the bridge and before Kirk goes he has this plot-important convo with Spock:

Spock: "As the planet continues to shrink in size, it's surface moves away from us."

Kirk: "Forcing us to spiral down to maintain the same distance from it."

Spock: "Exactly. We must be prepared to respond instantly to any sudden change."

Kirk leaves the bridge, Sulu (now a bit loony from the dreaded Rattlesnake Noise Disease) ditches his duties to go and fence.

In sickbay, McCoy says that the only reason Joe died is 'cause he gave up. Kirk wonders if it's linked to the fact that he was on the planet surface.

_(((Yay, he's not a moron! ::Throws confetti::)))_

On the bridge, Spock asks O'Reilly why Sulu left his station. He doesn't get a straight answer, 'cause O'Reilly's loopy now too. Spock tells him to get his butt to sickbay, and off he goes. He finds nurse Chapel in sickbay and admires her eyes as he tilts her chin up. Uh oh, rattler sound! Poor Chapel. =(

_(((For those keeping track, I do believe this is the first episode where we really see Chapel.))) _

Sulu is now running around the ship, half naked and glistening, brandishing a fencing sword and challenging random crewman to duels.

Meanwhile, on the bridge, Kirk and Spock are noticing that the crew is going ape shit, and as Spock muses aloud about how everyone going crazy is acting like they are at heart, the ship is now stuck in the orbit of a planet that's destroying itself.

Sulu pops into the bridge, sword handy, and Spock takes him down with a nerve pinch.

Spock: "Take D'artagnan here to sick bay."

_(((What's that, Spock? Sarcasm? Love you.)))_

Kirk tries to contact Scotty to get his ship the hell outta Dodge, but it's O'Reilly who answers. He's taken over engineering and insists on saying CrAzY things and singing bad songs.

_(((You remember that whole 'we need to be able to react quickly' thing that Spock said? Yeah, turns out they can't really do that right now. Whups.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1704.4: Ship out of control, spiraling down towards planet Sy 2000. We have 19 minutes of life left without engine power or helm control."

_(((Translation: We gon' DIE.)))_

Kirk gets to the door to engineering, where Scotty's waiting. Basically, O'Neill has control of the ship and has powered down the engines and the only way to get through the door is to cut through the wall circuits next to the door.

The crew's getting crazier, the ship's getting deader.

Suddenly the ship tilts violently to the right and everyone goes a tumblin'.

Behold, the first shot of Scotty in the cylindrical space with a bunch of important ship parts 'n things!

Now a random crewmember thinks a paint brush is hi-larious and has painted "love mankind" on the wall, which Spock sees on his way to Scotty.

Scotty's hurrying to cut the wall circuits, but can only go so fast.

Spock pops into sickbay, only to find Chapel. Now shit gets interesting.

Spock: "Nurse? Where's doctor McCoy?"

Chapel: "He's gone to the lab."

Spock tries to contact the lab, but nobody responds.

_(((Spock is all business.)))_

He goes to leave sickbay but Chapel catches him by the hand.

_(((Spock clearly has no idea what's happening.)))_

Chapel: "Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Nurse?"

Close up of Chapel with Spock's hand. Rattler sounds.

_(((No, not the Vulcan! He's cute!)))_

Chapel: "Men from Vulcan treat their women strangely. At least, people say that. But you're part human, too. I know you don't, you couldn't…hurt me. Would you?"

Spock slowly and carefully withdraws his hand from Chapel's grasp. Again, he tries to leave without a word.

_(((He very clearly feels awkward and confused.)))_

Chapel: "I'm in love with you, Mr. Spock."

Spock turns around, STILL confused and concerned to all hell. Chapel starts advancing on him again.

Chapel: "You, the human Mr. Spock. The Vulcan Mr. Spock."

Spock: "Nurse, you sh-"

_(((…ould get control of your lady parts.)))_

Chapel: "Christine, please. I see things, how honest you are."

She takes his hands again.

Chapel: "I know how you feel. You hide it, but you do have feeling. Oh how we must hurt you, torture you…"

_(((When she says 'you do have feeling,' Spock looks downward. He's not responding in a way that suggests he has feelings for her, just that he has feelings _period_.))) _

Spock: "I'm in control of my emotions."

_(((He seems to be saying that more for himself than for her. He doesn't even look at the poor woman. He's completely inside himself right now.)))_

Chapel: "The others believe that. I don't."

Chapel reaches out and touches the side of his face.

_(((Now Spock is looking at her again, and it's clear he's conflicted. This chick is all over him, won't let him leave, he doesn't _hate_ her and he doesn't want to be rude, but then she went and brought up the fact that he has emotions and that's screwing with his head, especially since he's been exposed the rattler disease thing.)))_

Chapel: "I love you. I don't know why, but I love you. I do love you. Just as you are. Oh I love you."

_(((But do you LOVE him?)))_

She starts kissing his hands.

Spock: "I'm sorry. I _am_ sorry."

_(((Aw, I feel for Spock at this moment. It's clear that he really is sorry he doesn't feel the same way, but he's a nice guy and he doesn't like hurting her.)))_

Chapel: "Christine."

Spock: "Christine."

_(((It's clear that he's humoring her by calling her by her name. What a softie.)))_

He leaves without a goodbye or even a last glance over his shoulder.

_(((During this scene we the disease begin to take hold of Spock. He's starting to lose control of his feelings and, on top of that, he's got some nurse chick who wants to be his baby mama. By no means does this scene convey a "Oh baby I want you and I'm losing control but I can't 'cause of my Vulcan half" feeling. If anything it conveys a "Holy shit my emotions aren't in check and this chick is in love with me but I don't dig girls how the fuck do I get out of this without hurting her feelings" feeling._

_This isn't me imagining things, it's the scene that plays out._

_My compliments to Nimoy, he did this very well.)))_

Now something even MORE interesting, happens!

We see Spock walking down the hall, fighting back emotion, even choking back a sob.

_(((Holy cow, we've never seen Spock like this. That must be one doozy of a disease, to tear down his walls that easily.)))_

Meanwhile Kirk and Scotty get into engineering (at last) and regain control of the ship.

But enough of that silly plot stuff, back to Spock.

He wanders into a briefing room and leans up against the door, fighting a losing battle with his impending tears. He tries to regain his composure, swearing aloud, "I'm in control of my emotions. I'm an officer. My duty…my duty…"

He takes a seat. Despite his efforts to keep it all in, he's full on crying now.

"I'm sorry," he says to no one.

_(((OOOOOO, who are you apologizing too? And why? Alas, we never find out. The mind can only reel.)))_

Spock: "Two…four…six…six…six times…"

_(((Six times what? SIX TIMES WHAT?!?!?! AUUUUGGGGHHH!!!)))_

_(((_bbgon_ was kind of enough to let me know that the whole 'two four six' thing was Spock reciting the times tables to try and get control of himself, according to Nimoy himself in his book _I Am Spock_. Mystery solved!)))_

And now he's not just crying, he's SOBBING.

_(((This is HUGE for Spock's character. We know that the disease makes people reveal the truth. Well the truth is that Spock is just a big ol' sobbing bag of EMOTION. Now we know for a FACT that whenever he talks about not having emotion or anything like that, it's pure, PURE bullshit. This is key to Spock's character, and will help us tremendously as figuring him out both in general and in relation to Kirk as time goes on.)))_

Back in engineering, Scotty gives Kirk the news that O'Reilly didn't just turn the engines off, he turned them like OFF off, and it takes OFF off engines half an hour to heat up properly.

But oh yeah, they only have eight minutes before they're a big pile of dead.

We come back from commercial to hear Kirk talking to Scotty about risking warp drive without a proper warm up which is, by the way, bat shit INSANE.

McCoy has now figured out that the disease is spread through perspiration and it acts like alcohol, and now he can make an antidote.

_(((What is about to happen is one of my favorite scenes in all of TOS. Hunker down, 'cause more shit happens in the next two and a half minutes than in the entire damn episode, and it's WONDERFUL.)))_

Spock is still all a blubber in the briefing room. Kirk enters, stressed and all business.

Kirk strides directly towards Spock and says, "Where have you been, I've been-"

He stops dead when he realizes that Spock's been crying.

"My mother," Spock says, still a mess, "I could never tell her I loved her."

_(((Well that's pretty straight forward. What's interesting is that the first thing out of Spock's mouth has to do with never being able to tell someone he loved them.)))_

"We've got four minutes," Kirk reminds him, still focused on the situation at hand, "maybe five."

_(((Kirk's not being insensitive. Had this happened at any other time, he would've been completely sympathetic but, tragedy of tragedies, they're all about to die and he just can't afford to indulge.)))_

Spock is still in his own world, "An earth woman living on a planet where love, emotion…is bad taste."

_(((Here comes the greatest moment of melodrama ever.)))_

Kirk grabs Spock and yanks him into a stance, "We've got to risk a full power start. The engines were shut off, no time to regenerate."

_(((…wait for it…)))_

Kirk has him by the shoulders, and shakes him with every word he emphasizes. It looks something like this: "Do you HEAR me? We've GOT to RISK a FULL POWER START!"

_(((AWESOME.)))_

"I respected my father," Spock continues, "our customs. I was ashamed of my earth-"

Kirk slaps Spock clear across the face.

_(((WHOA. Kirk is damn desperate at this point. He knows they have like NO time to talk about emotions._

_Dear GAWD I wish this had happened when the ship wasn't about to explode.)))_

"Jim…" Spock begins, "When I feel friendship for you, I'm ashamed."

_(((Okay, so this line has the word 'friendship' in it, but with the way the moment feels he might as well have said 'love.' Seriously. Unfortunately this is 1966 and that would not have gone over well._

_EDIT as of 9/3/09: Also, as a few people have pointed out to me, 'friendship' is not an emotion, therefore you can't feel friendship. It's another hint that he's not really talking about friendship. Fascinating.)))_

Kirk hauls off and slaps him two more times, "You've got to hear me!"

When Kirk tries to slap him yet again, Spock clasps his hand and they stay like that for a moment, gripping like there's no tomorrow.

_(((Which, at this point, seems very likely.)))_

"We need a formula!" Kirk yells, still desperate, "We've got to risk implosion!"

"Never been done!" Spock replies, throwing Kirk's hand down.

_(((FINALLY, Kirk gets an answer that has to do with the situation.)))_

"Understand, Jim," Spock says, "I spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings."

Kirk slaps Spock _again_, and this time Spock doesn't simply take it. He backhands Kirk clear across the room.

_(((Okay stop everything. So the first couple of times Kirk hits Spock, we get that he's trying to wake him the fuck up. But now Spock has given him a lucid response, so I'm wondering WHY Kirk would HIT him after talking about HIDING his FEELINGS?_

_As Kirk winds up to hit Spock, we see Kirk's face. It doesn't look like all business and "we're all gonna DIE if you don't come to your senses" anymore. Now he just looks HURT, like he doesn't want to hear any excuses as to why Spock keeps his feelings inside. _

_I submit that Kirk's last slap was out of hurt feelings, and THAT'S why Spock backhands him in return. Up until then it had been all 'I need you to be an officer right now' and shit, but then it got PERSONAL. FAST.)))_

Kirk gets back to his feet, "We've got to risk implosion. It's our only chance!"

"It's never been done," Spock repeats.

"Don't tell me that again, science officer!" Kirk yells, "It's a theory, it's possible! We may go up into the biggest ball of fire since the last sun in these parts exploded, but we've got to take that one in ten thousand chance!"

The bridge chimes in on the intercom then, asking if Kirk had found Mr. Spock.

"Yes, I found Mr. Spock!" Kirk exclaims, hitting the intercom button, "I'm talking to Mr. Spock, do you understand?!?!"

Now Kirk realizes that he's flying off the deep end, "I've got it. The disease."

_(((Okay, now the tables have turned. Once Spock hit Kirk he started to snap out of it (which is curious in and of itself) and now Kirk has gone off the deep end.)))_

He takes a moment, as if something inside is trying to push it's way out, then he says, "Love. You're better off without it and I'm better off without mine.

_(((Uh, WHOA. Be careful there, Jim, people were only _so_ blind in the 60s.)))_

"This vessel," Kirk continues, "I give, she takes. She won't permit in my life, I've gotta live hers."

"Jim…" Spock trails off, coming back to his senses.

_(((The look on Spock's face here is AMAZING. I can't even put it into words that do it justice. It's so yearning, caring, truly concerned…gah, just look at it if you can. Minute 41:56.)))_

"I have a beautiful Yeoman," Kirk begins, "Have you noticed her, Mr. Spock? You're allowed to notice her. Captain's not permit-" He stops himself from finishing the sentence.

_(((So a lot of people take this to mean that Kirk has a thing for Rand, to which I say this: Are you high? He's wayyyy too vague here. Admitting that a chick is pretty does not mean you have genuine feelings for her. I think Jessica Alba's hot, but I'd never go near her in a million years, she's too stupid. He could have just as easily said any woman was beautiful._

_The point is that we have never seen him long for Rand. He's either been downright rude to her or 100% business. He might think she's pretty, but he sure as crap ain't interested. It's really more of a "even if I WAS genuinely interested in Rand, I couldn't go for her" kind of thing._

_It also looks like he was about to say 'Captain's not permitted to have relations with crewmembers,' however that wouldn't make complete sense. We know that there's no regulation that permits that kind of thing…so…what? Captain's not permitted to what? He never says, so we'll never know.)))_

"Jim…" Spock says again, "There is an intermix formula."

Kirk looks around the room, still far gone, "Now I know why its called 'she.'"

"It's never been tested" Spock continues, "It's a theoretical relationship…between time and antimatter."

"Flesh" Kirk says, "A woman. To touch. To hold. A beach to walk on. A few days, no braid (?) on my shoulder."

_(((Aha, see? He doesn't say Rand, he says 'a woman.' He just wants _someone_._

_Also worth pointing out: He starts out by saying 'flesh,' which is completely ambiguous. He then says 'woman' as a separate thought, not as a means to clarify the 'flesh' bit. When you listen to his tone, he could have just as easily said "man…a woman…" and it would've conveyed the exact same message. Of course if he had said that the show would have been just a tad cancelled.)))_

Then Scotty comes in.

_(((Whew! Take a breath and look at this scene as a whole. Ultimately, here's what happens: Kirk starts out sane, ends up insane. Spock starts out insane, ends up sane. **Kirk talks about not being able to have a relationship because of the Enterprise, Spock talks about being ashamed of his feelings for Jim.**_

_Helloooooo? Anyone else get the picture? This scene is a prime example of everything being hidden out in the open. If you just LOOK at the scene instead of letting it wash over you, it's all there. Loud and clear.)))_

Spock runs off with the equation that just might save their ass, and Scotty runs to get ready for said equation to be put into action.

Then Kirk says, to an empty room, "Never lose you…never."

_((( From the way he's looking around we're supposed to get that he's talking to the ship._

_Funny, he swears to never lose the ship…what happens at the end of The Search for Spock, again? I always seem to forget…something about Kirk losing the Enterprise to bring Spock back to life…ah well, must not be incredibly telling and crucial then. ::cough::)))_

Kirk pulls himself together and goes to the elevator to head to the bridge. He sees that "Sinner repent" has been painted on the elevator doors.

_(((Wtf is THAT supposed to mean? We know it's not just there for no reason. Those words were a conscious choice that was made. Spock sees 'love mankind,' which is a bit easier to figure out, but why does Kirk see 'sinner repent?' How did he sin? _

_My theory from a writer's perspective is that homosexuality is a Biblical sin, so it could be a message to Kirk that he needs to repent for his sin of loving another man, and the message to Spock was to just love (because we all know his deal with emotions)._

_It sounds a bit stretched, but that's the only even remotely valid explanation I can come up with for 'sinner repent.' Kirk even looks more determined after he sees it, like he doesn't plan on repenting. Like, "I will damn well love who I want to love, THANKS."_

_When I say it's the only thing I can come up with, it really is. I can't think of ANY other reason, slashy or not, as to why that 'sinner repent' is there.)))_

So Kirk gets to the bridge and, in the funniest damn part of the episode, McCoy rips Kirk's shirt open to give him a shot of the antidote he's figured out.

_(((It's like the studio was all "Shit, how do we got more nekkid Kirk flesh…uh…uh…have McCoy rip his shirt even though we've seen him give shots through clothes a million times before! Yes! That's it! Makes perfect sense!_

…_not that I'm complaining. The man had a sexy shoulder back in his day._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk takes his seat on the bridge and, as everybody's getting ready to try the theoretical this-better-as-fuck-save-our-ass formula, Kirk acts like he's gonna reach out and touch faith- I mean, Rand. But then he stops at the last second.

Kirk: "No beach to walk on."

_(((::Sigh:: Okay. We've all seen how Kirk treats Rand. He. Does. Not. Like. Her. Therefore, this moment makes no _literal_ sense. Symbolically it makes sense, though, because of what he talked about earlier in wanting to be in a relationship with _someone_. So he reaches for _someone_. Nothing even remotely romantic EVER comes about with Kirk and Rand._

_I like how Spock just so happened to be in engineering when this happened. 'Cause we all know who Kirk would have reached for if Spock had been there…_

_Also, bitch must have been blind to not see Kirk's big mitt coming at her face like that. Srsly.)))_

Long story short (too late), they try to the crazy insane formula, and it works! Huzzah!

Spock gets back to the bridge and stands next to Kirk's chair.

"Are you alright, Jim?" Spock asks.

Kirk nods, letting a small grin tug at the corner of his mouth, "You?

Spock does that infamous inner smile, and nods slightly.

_(((Well would you look at that? In about five seconds we see something fond and intimate pass between these two. Maybe Kirk will have a beach to walk on after all…_

_Such a cute moment.)))_

Oh hey, btw, they stumbled on the formula for time travel! Double huzzah!

Thus endeth The Naked Time.

* * *

***And as always, the score so far:

Time Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt: 4

Random Crewman Body Count: 5

Times a Disease Threatens the Crew: 1


	7. 1x07 Charlie X

**Author's Note: **Ahhh, this episode. So much goodness in this episode, in so many forms. We get to see Kirk play kind of a daddy role in this, and something like that is always interesting. Thanks again to everyone who has dropped a comment so far, they put a smile on my face. =D

* * *

**Episode Seven: Charlie X**

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1533.6: Now maneuvering to come alongside cargo vessel Antarius. Its captain and first officer are beaming over to us with an unusual passenger.

Kirk's made his way to the transporter room and the captain, first officer, and unusual first passenger are beamed aboard. Kirk introduces himself, and is then introduced to the unusual Charlie Evans who's about 17 years old and has some really pretty blue eyes.

_(((But holy crap is he unusual…as we shall see.)))_

After Kirk shakes his hand, there's an awkward silence from the captain and first officer. So what happens next? Why the only logical thing possible! Charlie gives a nice evil cross eyed glare at the captain and first officer and all of the sudden they start singing the boy's praises.

_(((Nothing unusual about that at all. Not. At. All._

_In fairness to Kirk, though, he didn't see Charlie's Cross Eyed Look of Doom.)))_

In the midst of the praise singing, the captain drops some useful info about how Charlie spent almost his whole life alone on a planet with only a few tapes to learn from.

They say they'd like to keep Charlie with them, but with his nearest relatives on a planet that the Enterprise is already passing by, well shucks, it only makes sense.

Charlie interrupts and says he'd like to see the ship.

Kirk gently tells him that interrupting is wrong.

Charlie apologizes but clearly seems a little weirded out.

Then Rand shows up, and it's all downhill from there. See, Rand is the first woman Charlie's ever seen, so naturally he's instantly in love with her.

_(((There were no women on the Antarius? I guess it's possible, there's only like 20 people on that ship to begin with.)))_

Title time!

_(((Once again the main crush in this episode has nothing to do with Kirk. Well, if you don't count his frequent interactions with Spock part of the main plot._

…_couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, star date 1533.7: We have taken aboard an unusual passenger for transport to colony Alpha 5. Charles Evans, the sole survivor of a transport crash fourteen years ago. A child, alone from age 3, has not only survived, but has grown to intelligent, healthy adolescence."

_(((Translation: Charlie = AWKWARD.)))_

Charlie is going through a med exam with McCoy in sickbay, and we learn that he learned to speak from tapes. As Charlie's leaving he asks if McCoy likes him. McCoy says 'why not?' And Charlie talks about the other ship didn't like him even though he tried, he really did.

_(((The unsubtle creepy music in the background tips us off that this is, in fact, creepy.)))_

Cut to Charlie watching a couple of engineers part ways, one of which slaps the other on the ass in that friendly "bye dude" way.

_(((Well this couldn't possibly be misinterpreted by an extremely sheltered teenager and end badly.)))_

Charlie then catches up with Rand in the hall and gives her perfume as a present. It's her favorite, actually, and there's none on board so how he got a hold of it is kind of a mystery, as Rand says. Charlie says goodbye with a good ol' slap on Rand's ass. Rand is understandably offended, but knows that he's just a kid and stays pretty darn calm about the whole thing. She suggests that he asks McCoy or Kirk to explain it.

Meanwhile on the bridge Kirk tells McCoy that Spock is putting together an academic kit of sorts for Charlie so he can caught up on earth history and such so hey wouldn't it be nice if McCoy could give Charlie a medical orientation on the problems of, you know, "adolescence?"

McCoy: "Don't you think it'd be better for a strong father figure image like you, he already looks up to you."

_(((Translation: Reeeeeeally don't wanna tell the weirdo about penis-in-vagina activity, cap'n. Kthx)))_

Kirk: "The job is yours, Bones, flattery will get you nowhere."

_(((Translation: I don't wanna and I'm the cap'n so I don't gotta.)))_

They all agree that Charlie needs a father image, and Kirk does his very best to put that responsibility on McCoy. When McCoy gives him a o.O look, Kirk says "I'll find him one," and walks off.

_(((Well this is interesting. Why is Kirk avoiding a paternal role? I get the feeling he's not crazy about the thought of having kids.)))_

Now we get a little scene in the recreation room, and behold! Spock playing the Vulcan lute! Uhura starts humming along with his tune, which annoys him to the point of stopping. Then it's apparently not annoying and he gives her a little smile and starts playing. Uhura then starts singing and proves why she's not on whatever-the-futuristic-equivalent-of Broadway is.

_(((I don't care if that sounds harsh…her voice grates on me. I don't have anything against Uhura but the singing…no…)))_

Charlie comes in, sits by Rand and does a few card tricks. One of the tricks is making three cards turn into three pictures of Rand.

_(((Not creepy at all. Not. At. All._

_Now comes a little scene that I just love to watch.)))_

Charlie finds Kirk and the following ensues:

Charlie: "Captain, I'm supposed to ask you something. Why shouldn't I…I don't know how to explain it."

Kirk: "Well say it right out, Charlie, that usually works."

_(((He's not being rude, he's being encouraging.)))_

Charlie: "Well in the corridor I saw…when Janice…when Yeoman Rand was…I did that to her," he slaps Kirk on the butt, "…she didn't like it. She said you would explain it to me."

_(((I love Kirk's reaction to being slapped. It's adorably awkward. The poor guy flounders throughout this whole thing, it's precious._

_Don't get me wrong, I love the Strong Smart Complex Confident Badass Captain Kirk as much as I possibly can, but damnit he can just be so CUTE. As he shall demonstrate.)))_

Kirk: "Me? I see…well, um…uhh…there are things you can do with a lady uh, Charlie, that you…uh…there's not a right way to hit a woman. I mean man to man is…one thing…but, uh, man and woman, uh…its um…its uh…well its uh…another thing. Do you understand?"

Charlie: "I don't know."

_(((Gawd, can I make you into a plush toy, Kirk? Please?)))_

Kirk is called to the bridge then, and Charlie tags along. The Antarius is trying to talk to the Enterprise, and right when Kirk gets there the connection goes dead. Whups, the Antarius is gone and Charlie is looking mighty awkward.

We come back from commercial to see Kirk and Spock playing a game of multi-level chess! Yay!

_(((Wheeeeeeeee let's watch 'em flirt!)))_

Kirk makes a chess move.

Spock: "You're mind is not on the game, captain."

Spock makes a move.

Spock: "Check. The Antarius?"

_(((Okay….no flirting yet…but that's okay! We're just getting started…)))_

Kirk: "A survey ship with twenty men aboard lost. No reason. Obviously captain Raymar wasn't aware of any trouble. I can't figure it."

Spock: "My own concern is more immediate. The boy."

Kirk: "I can usually follow you, Mr. Spock, but this time…"

Spock: "He seemed to know what happened to the Antarius before we did."

_(((Still no flirting? Geez…)))_

Speak of the devil, Charlie enters then.

Kirk: "I'd call that a pretty long reach for evidence, Mr. Spock. Come in Charlie."

Kirk makes another move in the game, then Spock makes another move.

Spock: "And again…check."

_(((STILL no flirting??? Come on guys, this isn't like you two!)))_

Kirk makes one last move.

Kirk (fighting back a knowing smile): "Check mate."

_(((AHA! This 'all business' thing could only last so long!)))_

Spock: "Your illogical approach to chess does have it's advantages on occasion, captain."

Kirk: "I prefer to call it 'inspired.'"

Spock: "As you wish. At any rate, the game is yours."

_(((Teehee, Kirk just loves messing with Spock.)))_

Charlie asks to play, and Kirk gets up from his chair.

Kirk: "I place you in the hands of our chessmaster."

Kirk and Spock look at each other for a solid moment, then Kirk exits.

_(((Ahhhh, so they were saving the slashiest for last. Cunning little devils._

_No really, look at how they stare at each other for a second. Kirk even leaves with a smile. Adorable.)))_

Spock plays chess with Charlie and Charlie loses. Being the stupid adolescent that he is, he takes the loss hard. Spock leaves, and Charlie goes cross eyed and melts some of the chess pieces with his mind.

_(((Every time he goes cross eyed I laugh. It never fails. Someone should make a montage of all of Charlie's cross eyed moment. Hilarious.)))_

Charlie runs into Rand in the hall, who has a cute little blond named Tina with her. Rand tries to play matchmaker, but Tina may as well be invisible to him. Rand tries to explain how rude he's being, but Charlie just starts talking about how she smells and that she's just oh-so-amazing.

_(((Charlie clearly hasn't seen Starfleet's sexual harassment video.)))_

Cut to Rand explaining the situation to Kirk. Oooo, Kirk must get really jealous of Rand getting all this attention, yes? NEIN! He handles it like a friendly captain. Not a glimmer of oh-la-la in sight, folks.

Now Kirk and Charlie are in Kirk's quarters, and we get to see Kirk try to explain the birds and the bees again.

_(((Heehee…awkward Kirk makes my day.)))_

Charlie starts expressing how everything he does is wrong and he doesn't know what to do or who to be or how to be it.

_(((This confession makes it very clear that the point of this episode is the pain of adolescence. Charlie also has more power than he knows how to deal with, which is another thing teens have to deal with and adjust to. Unlike every other show these days that has dealt with this subject, it's not especially in your face or over the top when it comes to the message. Bravo, TOS.)))_

Now something amazingly INTERESTING happens.

Charlie: "If you care for someone, what do you do?"

There's a moment of silence.

Kirk: "You go slow. You be gentle. It isn't a one way street, you know, how you feel and that's all. How the girl feels too. Don't press, Charlie. If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know. You understand?"

_(((HmmmMMMMmmMmMmm…let's see here. When Kirk hits on a woman (one of the FEW times he does so out of an actual attraction) he doesn't take it slow at _all_. He's all "LET US KISS WITH TONGUES!!" and so on. In that case, if we ever see him take it slow and gentle with someone, then we'll really know that he truly cares. In fact, he only takes it slow and gentle and not pressing with one person in the whole damn show. Who was that again?_

…

_RIGHT.)))_

Kirk tries to gently tell Charlie that Rand just isn't the girl, but Charlie doesn't give up easily. Kirk finally gets a firm tone.

Kirk: "Charlie, there are a million things you can have in this world and a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but it's the way things are."

_(((Speaking from experience, eh Kirk? Now he might not be referring specifically to Spock, but thanks to _The Naked Time_ we know that Kirk longs for a relationship.)))_

Charlie: "Then what am I going to do?"

Kirk: "Hang on tight and survive. Everybody does."

Charlie: "You don't."

Kirk: "_Everybody_, Charlie. Me too."

_(((Aw, it's otay Kirk. You'll get with Spock eventually, just wait for the first ST movie. =D_

_::Cough:: But that point shall be proved in the movie's analyzation. Moving on.)))_

The next scene is one of the most glorious things seen in all of TOS.

Kirk. Half naked. In red tights.

YEAH.

Kirk and Charlie are in the gym where Kirk is trying to teach the kid how to look good in tights- I mean…fight. Kirk tumbles around, Charlie tries to copy him but doesn't get it right off the bat. Kirk then throws and is thrown by a random crewmember, and Charlie tries to throw Kirk but fails miserably. He's clearly distracted by Kirk's toned body.

_(((Okay, so maybe he's not. But I am. Jesus.)))_

The random crewmember laughs at Charlie's failed attempts, and Charlie gets all angsty, goes cross eyed, and the guy disappears.

Well now Kirk is pissed, as he proves by standing up straight, putting his hands on his hips, and staring pointedly.

_(((It's one of the sexiest shots of Kirk in the whole show. I do declare I dun got the vapors! Whew. It's at 27:56 if you wanna have a look. =P _

_Oh yes, and don't forget the tights. They are TIGHT around EVERYWHERE. If you GET my subtle HINTS._

_What was that? Plot? Oh yeah.)))_

Kirk demands to know what happened, and all Charlie says it that he's gone. Kirk calls security to take Charlie to his quarters and Charlie doesn't want this to happen to the point that only his eyes are in lit in the following shots of him.

_(((Seriously, why does this lighting thing happen? Subtlety, thy name is not TOS. Not at this moment, anyway._

_It's pretty hilarious though.)))_

Security arrives and Charlie knocks them down with a thought, then makes their phasers disappear. This upsets Kirk so much that he steps into some eye-only lighting of his own. Kirk demands him to his quarters, and they have a staring contest.

Commercial.

Back from commercial, where the eye-only-lighting-staring-contest is still in full swing. Charlie eventually gives in, and Kirk is still half naked.

_(((Just thought that bared mentioning.)))_

Uhura reports from the bridge that all phasers have vanished. Fun!

Kirk meets with Spock and McCoy in the briefing room.

Spock says there's a legend about people who can 'transmute' objects, and that Charlie seems to have this power. Kirk wonders if Charlie's even human, but McCoy says that he's exactly like one (physically).

Spock says Charlie is probably the cause of what happened to the Antarius, which indicates a total disregard for human life. McCoy wonders what to do with him, Kirk says they most certainly can't take him to Earth colony 5 for obvious reasons. McCoy and Spock agree that the conflict needs to stay between Kirk and Charlie because Charlie seems to look up to him.

Speak of the cross eyed, in comes Charlie!

Kirk asks Charlie point blank if he destroyed the Antarius. Charlie admits to it and says he did it 'cause they weren't nice to him. Long story short (too late): This is a serious problem.

Next thing you know Kirk and Spock get to the bridge and Kirk orders to head away from Earth colony 5. Uhura gets the shit shocked out of her at her station, which is weird 'cause she just checked it a few minutes ago. Spock goes to report, but Charlie's on the bridge now and makes him burst into poetry.

Charlie knows they're trying to change course, and well he just won't let that happen. He makes Spock spit out a couple of more lines of poetry and finds it funny. Kirk, however, does not. He demands that Charlie leaves his crew alone.

_(((I love seeing Kirk get protective of his crew. He's also playing the alpha dog in an attempt to reign Charlie in, but still. Protective Kirk. Yay.)))_

Once again, Charlie backs down. He leaves the bridge and goes to Rand (but not before turning Tina into a lizard) to give her a flower. Rand is having none of it, fed up with Charlie's behavior. In true stalker fashion, he tells her to never lock her door on him again. He advances towards her and we go to commercial.

_(((Whoa there, Star Trek, did you just strongly imply rape? Since we come back from commercial and they're still just standing and talking we know that nothing happened, but still. Whoa.)))_

Rand, in a highly rare display of intelligence, secretly contacts the bridge so Kirk can hear them talking. Kirk calls for Spock and they both dash off to the rescue. They arrive in the nick of time, but Charlie simply throws them against the wall with a look.

_(((Check out how they fall against each other. This isn't the only time they have copious amounts of unnecessary touching. Hawt.)))_

Charlie makes Rand disappear.

_(((Yay! Oh wait, I mean booooo.)))_

Now it's time for the best part of the episode (yes, even better than half nekkid Kirk).

Charlie says that Rand wasn't nice, and that they (Kirk and Spock) aren't nice either but he needs Kirk to run the ship. It was easy to run the Antarius 'cause it was uber small, but the Enterprise is like totally huge and complicated and shit. During this whole schpeal, Kirk and Spock are still on the floor near the wall, close to each other.

_(((Not close in an overtly slashy way, but hey they're still close.)))_

Charlie starts hurting Kirk with his mind for a little bit, and Spock moves his hand like he wants to console him, but decides against it. The Vulcan is looking mighty worried.

_(((I'm not making this up, it's right there.)))_

Kirk stands up.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "My legs. They're broken."

_(((Now before you go all 'shouldn't be in pain or something' on me, Vulcans have the ability to suppress pain. Spock shows us later in the series that he's capable of suppressing extreme amounts of pain, so it's no biggie that he's pretty darn calm about having broken legs. Oh and Charlie broke them, not the fall, so I can't say 'Yay 60s.' Darn.)))_

Ready for the best part? XD

Kirk looks at Charlie with a grave expression, "Let him go too, Charlie."

"Why?" Charlie asks.

"Because I'm telling you to," Kirk snaps, "Because you need me to run the ship, and I need him."

_(((He doesn't say "I need him to run the ship" or "I need my first officer" he just says "I need him." _

_I. NEED. HIM._

_Forget about the fact that those words are seriously ambiguous and telling, look at how he says it! Grit, conviction, certainty. DON'T. FUCK. WITH. SPOCK. Gorgeous._

_I love seeing Kirk protective of his crew, but seeing Kirk protective of Spock, especially like THIS, takes the cake.)))_

Charlie looks at Spock, considering what has just been said. He then fixes Spock's legs, and Kirk looks grim but highly relieved.

_(((Okay, so the 'I need him' line is pretty well known to us K/S shippers, but I noticed something that I'd never seen before. Look at Kirk' expression after Spock's legs are healed. It's at 38:21. _

_Yet again I've gotta hand it to Shatner, because even though the shot lasts about two seconds and Kirk doesn't say anything, we get bitch slapped by the energy of the character's inner life. To cut to the chase, his expression says this: "You're okay and that means everything to me but I can't get emotional right now because we're in trouble so I'll steady myself and keep going."_

_BRAVO, Shatner._

_Oh yes, and what about Charlie's expression after Kirk says that he needs Spock? Kirk has been talking to this kid the entire damn episode about relationships, and it looks like Charlie finally gets the freaking message. And when does he get the message? When Kirk says that he needs Spock. To cut to the chase again, Charlie's expression says "Oh I get it, you need Spock the way I need Rand…well I guess I'll let him go then."_

_Ack, hold on. I've gotta go pin down my mind, the damn thing keeps reeling.)))_

So Kirk walks Charlie right into a prison cell with a force field door and steps next to Spock, nodding for him to activate the field. Charlie makes the entire wall disappear and renders both Spock and Kirk motionless.

_(Ahem, Kirk and Spock are standing wayyyyyyyy close for this. They're bodies are touching, for chrissake.)))_

Charlie says they'll be sorry, lets them move again, and walks off.

Charlie wanders through the ship, fucking with crew.

Cut to everyone, including Charlie, on the bridge. Uhura reports that a message is coming in from another ship, but she can't hear it. Kirk suspects Charlie of blocking the message and Charlie says he's done plotting the ship's course for the Earth colony. He then flees the bridge.

Kirk decides to take him on, but McCoy and Spock insist that the idea is crazy. The three deduce that Charlie seems to be stretching the limits of his power by controlling the entire ship, and that turning on even more of the ship's components might weaken him to the point of being able to either exhaust or overpower him.

Charlie appears on the bridge again and takes Kirk's seat. Spock and McCoy start turning on everything on the bridge. Charlie's getting nervous, and Kirk challenges him. Kirk throws Charlie across the room but Charlie takes him down by causing him pain with his mind. Kirk goes to punch the kid, but the message is coming through now.

Suddenly Rand appears on the bridge.

Kirk isn't particularly ecstatic.

The message seems to be coming from a green blurry thing of no particular substance.

Charlie starts begging to not let "them" take him.

And now a big green disembodied head of an old man appears on the bridge, all floaty and ominous!

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Charlie clearly doesn't wanna go with the head thing. The head thing talks about how they hadn't realized Charlie had escaped, and that they've returned everything that has disappeared. Charlie begs to stay on the Enterprise, apologizing for everything and swearing he'll never do it again.

Kirk actually takes mercy on the kid, and tries to convince the head thing that Charlie can stay. The head thing says that Charlie will always use his power no matter what.

_(((How many times has a teen said he'll never do it again, and then done it anyway? Exactly.)))_

The Thesians (the head things) take Charlie to their ship and leave.

Rand is still distressed, and Kirk kind of half-asses an "it's all over now" bit to her without even really looking at her. But then he makes a point to look back and up at Spock, who's looking right at him as well.

_(((MmmmmHM.)))_

Thus endeth Charlie X.

_(((So wait, what the fuck was Charlie? Was he a Thesian? Given the dialogue, we can't really be sure. Half Thesian, half human? Odd, but maybe. We're left to wonder.)))_

* * *

Ah yes, the score.

Times Spock is injured: 2

Times Kirk rips/has no shirt: 5 (Dear god, that's 5 out of 7 episodes! But really, who's complaining?)


	8. 1x08 Balance of Terror

**Author's Note: **I'm loving all of the comments, you guys really know how to make a girl feel awesome. Oh, and it seems I'm bringing someone named Lechan to the dark side. I never expected to change any minds…or did I? ::evil cackle::

No really, I didn't. I'm flattered that my little ol' project is entertaining so many. On we go!

My apologies at taking a bit to get this up, but I really had to trudge through this one. Some great stuff happens, but this is one of the harder episodes to streamline.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Eight: The Balance of Terror**

Wedding bells are (hypothetically) ringing on the Enterprise as people get ready for two of the crewmembers to get hitched.

_(((Don't get too excited, the spouses-to-be aren't Kirk and Spock. Drat.)))_

Kirk arrives on the scene and contacts Spock on the bridge, who tells him that they still don't have an answer from Earth outpost #2, and now #3 has shut up, too. Kirk gives orders to maintain course to outpost #4 and to keep him informed.

Kirk takes his place at the front of the room and Scotty escorts the pretty brunette bride to her groom's side.

_(((Uhhh…can I just say that the groom looks an awful lot like Kirk. Maybe not _exactly_ like him, but he's got the same hair and he's the same type of good looking, only his mouth is a little weird._

_Why is this important? We shall see.)))_

Kirk starts a nice little speech, where we learn the names of the happy couple (Angela and Robert).

But, alas, the shit INSISTS on hitting the fan and the red alert goes off. Earth outpost #4 is under attack by unknown villains, and everyone scatters to their positions. We are then treated to some lovely, lovely opening titles.

Kirk: "Captain's log, star date 1709.2: Patrolling outposts guarding the neutral zone between planets Romulus and Remus and the rest of the galaxy. Received emergency call from outpost four. The USS Enterprise is moving to investigate and assist."

Kirk arrives on the bridge and their about eight minutes away from the outpost.

Kirk then makes an announcement to the crew.

Kirk: "This is the captain speaking. In our next action we can risk neither calculation nor error by any man aboard. Listen carefully. Science officer?"

_(((For sake of not being bored to death, let's Cliffs Notes the following bit, eh?)))_

Spock talks about a conflict between Earth and Romulus that happened like a bajillion years ago…back in that stone age time nobody had ship-to-ship visual communications so nobody has any idea what the Romulans looks like…Romulans are supposed to be total crazy, war hungry loons…if anyone goes into the neutral zone it's considered an act of war so no touchy…

Then Kirk finishes the speech-fest with stuff about how his orders are pretty damn firm…the Romulans could blow up the universe and that wouldn't be reason enough to violate the treaty…but oh hey we can defend ourselves if we need to so that's cool…oh yeah and all of our lives are totally expendable.

Kirk talks a walk around the bridge and random crewman Stiles suggests that they intercept the vessel that attacked 'cause they know it attacked the outpost.

_(((Well SOMEBODY sure as shit hasn't been paying attention.)))_

We find out that Stiles knows a bit about the war with the Romulans 'cause a lot of members of his family died in that war. Kirk is quick to remind him that it was THEIR war, not OURS.

Spock chimes in to say that two outposts have been pulverized.

_(((Way to bring in the joy there, Spock.)))_

Kirk goes back to his seat, Spock watches him.

_(((Now okay, there are obvious, nonslashy, reasons as to why Spock would keep looking at Kirk in such a tense situation. However it DOES look like Spock checks out Kirk's ass for a bit, so those looking for footage that can be very easily be made slashy, here you go. Don't say I never gave you nothin'.)))_

Kirk orders everyone to battle stations. Kirk and Spock trade a long, grim look.

_(((Not a long SEXYOMGHAWT look, a grim one. Aw shucks. It's still a nice moment, though.)))_

Now we get to see the almost bride and groom at their posts, having this cute little exchange:

Robert: "Happy wedding day…almost."

Angela: "You won't get off my hook this easily. I'm gonna marry you, mister. Battle or phaser weapons notwithstanding."

Robert: "Well meanwhile, temporarily at least, I'm still you're superior officer. So get with it, mister."

_(((Say whuuuuuuuuut? The guy who looks like Kirk is the SUPERIOR OFFICER to his betrothed? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.)))_

_(((Now this is obviously a loose link, but it's still pretty interesting. Oh, and make a mental note that they both said mister.)))_

Now we're treated to a somewhat brief moment of Kirk leaning near Spock to look into Spock's scanner with him.

_(((Closeness. It's cute.)))_

They finally get into contact with a guy on an outpost. Long story short: The outpost the guy is on is almost gone and he can't locate the intruding ship 'cause it kinda disappeared.

They talk to the guy, Kirk and Spock trade looks, Kirk looks particularly attractive- ZOMG a ship!

Kirk orders to warn the ship off but before you can say "obviously lovers" the ship fires, destroys the outpost, and vanishes into thin space.

Spock notices that the ship appeared for only a moment, and Kirk deduces that they must have to appear to fire their weapons.

They've got a blip on the radar, and it's headed towards the neutral zone. Kirk thinks the invisibility both ways, and Kirk orders for the ship to 'mirror' the Romulans.

Random crewman Stiles points out that there could be Romulan spies aboard the ship, and the musical score reacts accordingly.

Uh oh, the Romulans are sending communication signals of some kind. Spock locks onto it, and the Enterprise gets footage of the Romulans and see them for the very first time.

The catch? Romulans looks suspiciously like…like Vulcans!!

We get a good solid few seconds of everyone's O.O reaction. Spock seems to find it kinda interesting, everyone else is pretty damn dumb struck, but Kirk looks particularly harrowed.

We come back from commercial to see Kirk watching Stiles watch Spock. Kirk is quick but casual to approach Stiles, and this bit happens.

Kirk wanders over to Uhura and asks, "Is it coming?"

"Cryptography is working on it, sir," Uhura responds dutifully.

"Give it to Spock," Stiles chimes in under his breath.

Kirk approaches his crewman, calm but definitely steely, "Didn't quite get that, Mr. Stiles."

"Nothing, sir," Stiles replies, trying to save himself.

"Repeat it," Kirk orders.

Stiles can't keep the insinuation out of his tone, "I was suggesting that Mr. Spock could probably translate it for you, sir."

"I assume you're complimenting Mr. Spock on his ability to decode," Kirk states knowingly.

Stiles' words are thin, "I'm not sure, sir."

Kirk turns his crewman's chair around and gets right in his face, "Well here's one thing you can be sure of, mister," he snaps, "Leave any bigotry in your quarters, there's no room for it on the bridge.

_(((Translation: NOBODY INSULTS SPOCK Y'HEAR? NOT NOBODY, NOT NO HOW!!)))_

Do I make myself clear?"

"You do, sir," Stiles says, clearly put in his place.

_(((Awwwwww, well you know me, I just love to watch Kirk get all defensive over Spock, and this is a great example. We also get to see that Kirk's mind is pretty darn open, and he expects nothing less from his crew._

_Ah yes, watch Spock during this exchange. He's blatantly listening and…is that…concern? HmmmMmMMMMmmm…)))_

_(((Oh yes, and Kirk throws a 'mister' in there. Just one more thing that connects Kirk to the engaged couple.)))_

Now the Romulans are in view, and we get to see what's going on with guys who look like Vulcans. The Romulan captain insists on going invisible instead of just running from the 'mirror.' The captain's 2nd in command wonders why the Enterprise doesn't just attack, and the captain answers that they must be observing before attacking, which is something he would do.

_(((So Kirk and the Romulan captain think alike. Got it.)))_

The Romulan commander plans on having an incident with the Enterprise that will instigate a war for the Romulans, which is their equivalent of a really wicked kegger but the captain is a little hesitant to set up the bong.

Back on the Enterprise, they see that the Romulans are still heading towards the neutral zone.

Time for a briefing room scene! Woo!

Spock holds a scrap of the outside of the outpost, which is the hardest substance known to science, and he crumbles it into his hand so we get a good grip on how powerful the Romulans are. The question of the day from Kirk is: "Can we engage them with a reasonable possibility of victory?"

_(((What's this? Kirk is just blasting the Romulans into oblivion and to hell with the consequences? NEIN! He's doing his very best to avoid that situation. This whole episode is a great example of how Kirk is actually more of a law-abider than a rebel. Unless Spock is involved, then Starfleet can just fuck off…but that's another story.)))_

Scotty says they can take on the Romulans, and Stiles suggests that they attack immediately. Sulu chimes in that the Romulans are just a wee bit INVISIBLE right now, but Stiles offers a somewhat credible solution. Stiles big huff is that the Romulans can't get back to their people and report that the Enterprise chickened out because then they'd think humans were pussies and attack.

_(((Keep an eye on Kirk during this debate. At one point he looks over at Spock for a good solid few moments, just to check in. How sneaky of you, Kirk.)))_

When Sulu keeps up the debate, Stiles finally blows up.

Stiles: "These are Romulans! You run away from them and you guarantee war. They'll be back. Not just one ship, but with everything they've got."

Stiles looks directly at Spock.

Stiles: "You know that, Mr. Science Officer, you're the expert in these people."

Kirk looks from Stiles to Spock, ready and waiting for Stiles to step over the line.

Stiles: "But you've always left out that one point. Why? I am very interested in _why_."

Kirk: "Sit down, mister."

_(((Yeah that's right, Kirk will only let you go so far when it comes to Spock. I wasn't kidding about Kirk waiting for the guy to go to far, look at him as he listens. It's all there.)))_

_(((Kirk says 'mister' again…that's the fourth 'mister' in one episode. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Check your law books. I know you won't.)))_

Spock suggests attacking 'cause the Romulans are going through their uber-brutal stage as a species, so weakness would not be the best thing to show right now.

Next thing you know, the briefing room gets wind of a nearby comet, and the Romulans are pretty close to it. What does this mean? It means that if the Romulans pass through the tail of the comet, the Enterprise will be able to see it. Kirk orders all hands to battle stations.

We're led into commercial by a swell of music and a really terrific shot of a grim Kirk walking down the hall.

The Enterprise is just waiting for the Romulans to pass through the comet tail, and over on the Romulan' ship they're planning to suddenly turn on the Enterprise but HA! The Enterprise isn't following them anymore!

The Enterprise never sees the Romulans go through the tail 'cause the Romulans are smart like that, but Kirk has the ship fire anyway, taking an educated guess. The Romulans are hit! Joy!

During the confrontation, the control circuit for the phasers burned out! Sorrow!

Spock starts repairing the circuit! Joy!

The Romulans fire on the Enterprise! Sorrow!

Kirk orders the ship thrown into reverse as they try to get away from the oncoming Romulan fire. Phasers are still down. Shit is hitting the fan.

Rand decides to pop up and ask a stupid question, and this happens:

Rand: "Captain, should I continue log entry or-"

Kirk: "Yeoman…"

_(((…we're all gonna die and start a huge war and that is SUPER depressing, what the FUCK do I care about log entries for?)))_

Kirk steps away.

Kirk: "Affirmative, continue log entries."

_(((Romantic drama? Not at all. Dumb bitch bugging the captain? Yes, sir.)))_

Everyone braces themselves for impact. Kirk and Rand hold onto each other.

_(((Except for the obvious 'we're about to get hit' mentality, there's nothing else going on. They don't look at each other, they don't make out ferociously, they just hang onto each other to prepare for impact.)))_

Boom! Explosion! The camera's tilting!! Everybody fall!!! AHHH!!!

And NOW the phasers are operational. Great timing.

Spock throws out the idea that maybe the Romulans will think they're destroyed.

Kirk: "I wouldn't make that assumption. I don't think their captain will either."

_(((So Kirk and the Romulan captain think alike. Got it.)))_

Kirk orders that they go back to mirroring them, and the Romulans notice.

_(((Now here comes one of my favorite little 'Spock is awesome' moments.)))_

Spock stops by Stiles' station, leans in _really_ close, looks at him, and walks off.

_(((Why Spock, you SNARKY BASTARD. We all know the only reason you went over there was to bug Stiles with your Vulcan-ness. Bravo, sir. Bravo. XD )))_

Now the question is whether or not they should violate the treaty and fire, since the Romulans did.

_(((Firing now would be a violation because it wouldn't be classified as self-defense.)))_

McCoy's argument: Once on the Romulan's side of the neutral zone they could claim the pesky humans started it.

Spock's argument: They're still on Earth's side of the neutral zone.

Kirk's decision: Let's blow 'em away NOW.

_(((Heh, he took Spock's advice.)))_

Kirk has Uhura send Starfleet a message that they'll be going into the neutral zone, breaking a few laws, and trying their best to not die which just might include a treaty violation or two.

Suddenly, there's no motion from the Romulans and they can't find them anymore, but Kirk thinks the enemy ship is just laying low nearby with no power to make it look like they've gone so Kirk orders for the Enterprise to do the same. Basically, they're playing the waiting game.

Then Spock approaches Kirk on a darkened bridge:

Spock: "I must make further repairs to the transfer coil, it's giving out again."

Kirk: "Alright, Mr. Spock, work quietly."

_(((Be veeeewwy vewwy quiet…we're hunting Womulans!)))_

Both ships wait.

Nearly ten hours passes.

Both ships…are still waiting.

Kirk is laying down in his quarters when Rand comes in to see if he needs coffee or anything. Naturally he perks up at the cute blonde that he constantly flirts with enters the room, yes? HA! Please. Kirk's reaction to Rand's presence looks like this: -.-

McCoy comes in. Kirk's reaction his friend's presence looks like this: =)

_(((Kirk's love for Rand is passionate. And by 'passionate' I mean 'non-existent.')))_

Rand runs off to be stupid somewhere else, and now Kirk and McCoy are alone.

Now HERE'S an interesting bit:

Kirk: "I wish I was on a long sea voyage somewhere. Not too much deck tennis, no frantic dancing, no responsibility."

Kirk pauses to let the dramatic music fade in, then continues.

Kirk: "Why me? I look around that bridge and I see the men waiting for me to make the next move. Bones, what if I'm wrong?"

_(((The great and powerful Kirk is insecure sometimes? NO. WAY._

_That's one of the things I love about Kirk, though. He has a BRAIN and he knows that he's perfectly capable of fucking up, he even fears it because he knows the serious repercussions that come with a Starfleet captain's false step. He's not just this guna a-blazin' space cowboy, the man is vulnerable. Brilliant.)))_

McCoy: "Captain-"

Kirk: "No, I don't really expect an answer."

McCoy: "But I've got one. Something I seldom say to a…customer, Jim. In this galaxy it is a mathematical probability of three million Earth type planets. And in all the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of each of us. Don't destroy the one named Kirk."

_(((Way to go, McCoy, you give him the 'believe in yourself' speech the best way you know how! Even if it is just a touch slashy, no one will notice! I mean hell, look at what Spock and Kirk get away with!_

_But really, as for this moment being McCoy/Kirk slashy…eh, I can see it coming from McCoy in this ONE moment, sure, but on the whole it's not terribly substantial at all.)))_

Now back on the bridge, Spock is just finishing his work on the blown circuit and accidentally turns on a device, which makes a noise and gives their game away.

The Romulans now have their enemy's position and make their move. Kirk anticipates this and fires back.

On the Romulan ship, a random crewman addresses the captain.

Random crewman: "How?! How?!"

Romulan captain: "He's a sorcerer, that one. He reads the thoughts in my brain."

_(((So KIRK and the ROMULAN captain THINK alike. GOT it.)))_

After some more fire is traded, Kirk hears from Scotty that Tomlinson is manning the phaser room alone and Stiles volunteers his experience and runs off to help.

_(((Finally, the douchebag does something worthwhile. It only took him 42 minutes.)))_

Later on, Spock arrives in the phaser room to get an update and ask if they'll need any assistance. Stiles acts like an ass to the Vulcan simply for being a Vulcan (again) and Spock leaves. The second he does, a purple smoke is released in the phaser room and both Stiles and Tomlinson go down. Kirk orders phasers fired, and when nothing happens Spock runs back into the phaser room and does it himself.

The Romulan ship is nailed, and the Romulan captain insists that they go down with the ship instead of accepting the help that Kirk offers 'cause it's their duty and shit.

The Romulans die. The Enterprise wins. Joy is had by all.

Now we come to my favorite moment in the episode.

McCoy is examining Stiles in sick bay, who is laying on an exam table while Spock is standing next to him.

Kirk enters, sees who's where, and asks, "You alright, Mr. Spock?"

_(((Nevermind the crewman who's laying on his back in sick bay, but are YOU okay standing there looking just fine, Spock? _

_Man, and I was so close to getting through an episode without that damn mind reeling.)))_

Stiles says that Spock saved his life, and Spock says that he merely saved a crewman and that he was incapable of feeling any particular way about it.

_(((Which, as we all know, is a LIE. Spock is a big ol' bag of emotion, we've all seen it!)))_

Kirk hears that Tomlinson, the guy who was supposed to get married today, died. The would-be bride is in the chapel.

Kirk goes to her and comforts her by saying "It never makes any sense."

The bride insists that she's fine and, well with the way she says it we kinda believe her.

The last shot is of Kirk, though, and we're not exactly sure if HE'S fine.

_(((What a softie.)))_

Thus endeth Balance of Terror.

_(((So the theory that the engaged couple kinda holds up on its own, but here's something to strengthen it: We all know that the Romulan captain and his second were supposed to be a parallel for Kirk and Spock. This is obvious. When you add the fiances as a parallel, it all snaps into focus. It's like this episode was about showing us Kirk and Spock from a professional point of view, and Kirk and Spock from an intimate point of view. One one hand, they work well together, depend on each other, trust each other. On the other hand they play together, tease each other, love each other. In both cases one of them dies, leaving the relationships ultimately unfulfilled, just like Kirk and Spock are at this point in time. Mhm. Yeah.  
_

_Many thanks to__ Eva Drayon for dropping a comment on this episode that made me think about this aspect.)))_

* * *

Oddly enough, nothing from this episode can be added to the score. =(


	9. 1x09 What Are Little Girls Made Of?

**Author's Note: **In response to some of your lovely comments – I had thought of scoring Spock's 'fascinating' and McCoy's 'I'm a doctor not a ___' I just thought of it way too late. Scoring Chekov's 'Russian inventions' is a great idea, I shall do that. Oh, and I **will** be analyzing selected scenes and bits from the movies, but maybe with the first three I just might analyze everything…it depends.

So about this episode: the previous one wasn't too heavy on the slashy slashy but no worries, that ep was merely a fluke. Now we're back to the blatant goodness. Also, the ***** you will see at one point means that there's a note about it at the end of the commentary.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Nine: What Are Little Girls Made Of?**

We join Kirk on the bridge. The Enterprise is quickly approaching a planet. Kirk approaches Nurse Chapel.

_(((Yay, Chapel finally gets some air time. Unlike Rand, she's not a total IDIOT who's in love with a man who will never want her, she's a somewhat intelligent woman who's in love with a man who will never want her. Big difference, I feel.)))_

We find out that Chapel gave up her original career to join a Starfleet ship. Chapel looks at the display screen and says, "I know he's alive down there, captain."

_(((Uh…who's 'he?')))_

Kirk: "It's been five years since his last message."

_(((Okay, who's 'his' then? Helloooo?)))_

Chapel: "Roger's a very determined man. He'd find a way to live."

_(((Ohhh, it's Roger. Okay._

…_who the fuck is Roger? INFO, episode. GIVE US SOME.)))_

Uhura: "Beginning signals to surface, sir."

Kirk crosses from his chair to the railing near Spock's station.

Kirk (looking at Spock but answering Uhura): "Put it on all frequencies, lieutenant."

Spock turns in his chair to look at Kirk. Kirk grins and nods for him to go ahead.

_(((Why HELLO there Slashy McGee, I have missed you so. You were only somewhat vague when we last saw you, good to see you've gotten your strength back._

_There's really not much I can SAY about this moment…it's all right there on the screen from :58 to 1:03. It's like they haven't spoken in a while and Kirk is giving a little quiet, fond greeting. It happens quickly, but it's still there. It counts.)))_

We find out from Spock that the planet below is similar enough to Earth to be safe, but the surface temperature is way below zero. He then tells us that Roger Corby is a scientist who's medical translations have created breakthroughs in our immunology…or whatever.

Kirk: "Required reading at the Academy, Mr. Spock…I've always wanted to meet him."

_(((That last bit, 'I've always wanted to meet him' sounds a touch personal, wouldn't you say? _

_What am I implying? Nothing I can really prove or is as blatant as Kirk's fawning over what's-his-name in the pilot…but some interesting stuff happens. Onward.)))_

Kirk asks if there's any chance of Corby being alive, and Spock doesn't reply in that grave, foreboding kind of way that suggests the answer is a pretty solid "nope."

Meanwhile, they still haven't gotten a response from the planet. Chapel says that Corby's last message to her was about finding some caverns, and Kirk has to squelch her hopefulness by saying that, since that message, two search parties have failed to find him.

_(((Way to be a ray o' sunshine, Kirk._

_Now wait, who the hell is Chapel to Corby? Do we know yet? No. Hmm…)))_

At LAST, they hear a voice from the planet below.

Voice: "Enterprise…Enterprise…this is Roger Corby. Repeating: This is Dr. Roger Corby. Do you read me, Enterprise?"

Well they read you, but unfortunately they're all in the middle of close ups and stunned expressions right now. Give 'em a second.

Oh, no wait. Opening titles. Make that 'second' a 'minute' then.

Kirk: "Captain's log, star date 2712.4: A signal from planet Exo III. Dr. Roger Corby has been located. He and part of his expedition remaining alive due to the discovery of underground ruins left by the former inhabitants of this world."

Kirk is in his chair, chattin' with the Corbster. Corby requests that Kirk come completely alone, the discoveries he's made might require Kirk to make 'an extraordinary decision.'

Then this little bit happens:

Spock: "It is an unusual request."

Kirk: "But the man making it is Roger Corby."

Spock (to Chapel): "You're certain you'd recognize his voice?

Chapel: "Have you ever been engaged, Mr. Spock?"

Kirk looks over at Spock, highly amused.

Spock's eyebrow does a little jump, like he doesn't quite understand.

Chapel: "Yes, it's Roger."

_(((Now why in the universe would Kirk be amused at the notion of Spock being engaged? Vulcans get married all the time, so there's nothing odd about that. Spock puts on a great "I don't have any feelings" act but we all know, INCLUDING Kirk, that it's just a Vulcan front to hide his human half…so why? Why would Spock getting engaged amuse Kirk? You know, I bet there's some incredibly obvious reason…but gosh darn it…it escapes me at the moment…maybe it's 'cause my mind isn't here right now. It's reeling. I should go catch it. Brb._

_Okay back. Now, about Chapel. Apparently she's been engaged this whole time, which now makes her big "ZOMG LOVE YOU" scene to Spock a bit more interesting. Way more interesting that anything Rand ever did.)))_

Chapel and Corby have a reunion chat, and they're both very happy to speak with each other.

Kirk and Chapel beam down to the caverns of Exo III to find that the welcome party is a little lacking. And by 'lacking' I mean 'completely absent.'

Kirk then realizes that he didn't bring along any expendable, red-shirted random crewman, so he calls Spock and orders down a couple.

Kirk has one poor schmuck stay at the beam down point, and the other poor schmuck gets to tag along.

Kirk, Chapel, and a random crewman journey into the caves. Chapel accidentally kicks a rock off of a ledge to let us all know that falling off it would like totally SUCK.

A huge light comes on then, and a man stands in front of it. Realizing that the whole 'huge spotlight' thing was a little ridiculous, the man turns it off.

Then we hear the random crewman fall off the ledge.

Kirk asks if there's a way to save him, and the man replies that there isn't. Joy.

Then we get to see some huge, bald green dude with AMAZING shoulder pads and a collar that would make Dracula jealous sneaking away into the caverns.

We find out that the stranger's name is Brown, and he's Corby's assistant. Kirk would care a little more, but he's just lost a crewman so he's a bit down. He calls the other random crewman that's at the beam down point to check in and give him some instructions which will never reach the ship 'cause the freaky bald dude with the AMAZING shoulder pads kills him the second Kirk is finished.

Brown leads Kirk and Chapel through the caverns and tries his best to bore us to death with Exo III's history.

They finally arrive at the place Corby's been living, which is sparsely decorated.

Then the most beautiful girl in all of Star Trek TOS walks in.

_(((In my opinion, anyway.)))_

Chapel is suspicious and very, 'Who the fuck is this chick and how long has she been scantily clad and underground with my fiancé?'

Kirk is pretty darn neutral about the whole 'pretty girl' thing.

The woman introduces herself as Andrea.

Kirk is still pretty damn neutral. Not a grin in sight.

_(((AGAIN, with the 'meh' response to great beauty, Kirk? Srsly?)))_

Corby enters and proceeds to make out with Chapel for a second. Kirk seems either amused or interested in the make out session.

_(((Voyeur much?)))_

Long scene short: Brown pulls a gun on Kirk and Corby reveals that he can't let Kirk communicate with his ship until all is explained.

Kirk, being not a dumbass, is immediately alarmed and takes Andrea's weapon from her, using her as a body shield before rolling behind a table two feet away for no good reason.

_(((Behold! A pointless roll! =D )))_

Kirk's dashing attempt to escape is thwarted when the big bald dude comes in and lifts him up against the wall, but not before Kirk shoots at Brown and reveals the man's insides to be robotic parts! Androids! Octoliebe!

Next thing you know, Kirk is talking with the Spock on the Enterprise. Spock says that "they" were worried 'cause Kirk had missed his check in, and before the short convo ends makes sure to ask if Kirk is alright because he 'sounds tired.'

_(((Worry much?_

…_heehee…)))_

Unfortunately it wasn't Spock talking, it was the big bald dude named Ruck. Kirk was busy being forced to watch with dramatic light on his eyes.

Corby insists that Kirk needs to trust him and learn everything before making a final judgment. Corby has Ruck impersonate Andrea, and Ruck continues and mocks Corby, then Chapel.

Corby: "You are not to mock Christine."

Kirk: "Or disobey an order from her."

_(((Smooth, Kirk. Smooooooth.)))_

Corby takes Kirk's advice though, and gives Ruck that order as well.

Corby has to keep Kirk prisoner because otherwise Kirk would have to report his findings and he couldn't let his findings be compromised at this moment.

Ruck reveals that he's more than an average android. He was created by 'the old ones' and when Corby got there he used the 'the old ones' technology to create Brown.

Kirk thinks they're all bat shit insane and makes a break for it. Ruck, however, throws Kirk to the ground about as easily as one might throw a thick book.

Cut to Andrea talking to Chapel. Andrea just doesn't get how Chapel could love Corby without trusting him completely 'cause that's like totally untrusting.

Corby, Kirk and Ruck are suddenly revealed to be in the room, and Corby starts to explain some things. But first, Andrea reveals herself to be an android.

_(((Say WHAT?! But Andrea and Kirk were all set to have hot man-on-woman sexy sex, right? NYET! There hasn't been anything going on with them before the whole "btw robot" reveal and now there obviously never will be. How surprising…not really.)))_

Corby goes on to describe how life-like Andrea is, and Chapel accuses him of making a 'mechanical geisha.' Corby says that Andrea is incapable of that, she merely follows orders and there's no emotional bond. Corby provides an example by having Andrea kiss Kirk, then slap him. She does both with the same amount of duty.

_(((Kirk isn't particularly thrilled by kissing her…but then he's kissing a robot…and a non-Spock robot at that._

…_couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk still doesn't understand a lot of what _exactly_ is going on, and Corby decides to answer his questions by making an android version of Kirk himself. We're brought to a room with a giant spinning table thing where Kirk is laying naked on one side and there's some kind of Styrofoamish looking dummy on the other side.

_(((Mmmm…nekkid Kirk…too bad the thing holding him down covers a liberal amount of his waist. Damn 60s and their standards! ::Shakes fist::))) _

Kirk goes on a little ride, spinning around in circles for a minute or two. Andrea speeds it up, then slows it down, and *poof* there are now TWO nekkid Kirks!

_(((So all one needs to do is find a dummy and a merry-go-round and there'll be androids for everyone!! Yay 60s!!!)))_

Now that they have a perfect replica of Kirk's body, it's time to make an identical mental pattern. The android will have the same thoughts, personality, behavior, memories, etc. Just before this process is started, Kirk gets an idea.

Kirk: "Mind your own business Mr. Spock, I'm sick of your half breed interference, do you hear?"

Kirk tries to say it again, but the process has started and he's in a wee bit of pain.

_((What, exactly, was Kirk's big idea? We shall see, my darlings.)))_

Now there's a perfect replica of Kirk.

_(((A dream come true, really. Kirks for everyone!)))_

Cut to Andrea serving Kirk and Chapel some multicolored watermelon chunks…I mean…"space food."

They chat for a bit…Kirk asks Chapel to betray Corby…Chapel refuses…the real Kirk enters…wait, do what now?

Yup, the real Kirk (sporting a lovely little new outfit) is escorted to the table by Corby and Ruck. Kirk and Android Kirk share a little mandatory android humor.

_(((This little bit features some really nice split screen work, actually. Extremely convincing, even by today's standards. Bravo.)))_

_(((And now, the lovely people at Star Trek would like to deliver the message of the hour.)))_

Corby tells android Kirk to go away, and then reveals that he could have out Kirk's very soul and consciousness into the android. Don't you see? Immortality! No more pesky emotions like hate or anger! Peace! A practical heaven!

Kirk brings up that it would also get rid of joy and love and, you know, humanity and shit.

_(((Silly Corby, Heaven's for superior beings.)))_

While they chat, Kirk starts untying a bit of rope that's on his chair. At the right moment, Kirk leaps at Corby and puts the rope around his neck, telling everyone to back off or he'll kill Corby.

_(((I swear! I'll choke him slowly while you stand there and watch or something! I'm dangerous! OoOOooOoo!!)))_

Kirk makes a run for it and actually gets away this time. Corby sends Ruck after him and Chapel chases after Ruck.

_(((Typing that makes me want to cue the Benny Hill theme.)))_

_(((Oh, and while Chapel is chasing after Ruck, there's actually a really nicely framed shot of her at 34:14. Well done, cinematographer.)))_

Kirk tucks himself away in a cavern somewhere. Ruck enters the same area, and Kirk breaks off a stalactite to defend himself.

_(((Oh, by the way, just a little detail here but…THE STALACTITE LOOKS LIKE A PENIS. A DICK. A SCHLONG. A GIANT ERECTION. IT HAS A HEAD, A SHAFT, AND BALLS. WHOEVER THE SHIT DESIGNED THAT PROP DEFINITELY HAD SOMETHING ON HIS MIND. GET WHAT I'M SAYING?!?! _

_And we benefit by seeing the great Captain Kirk depicted holding a huge wang as a means of self-defense. This is quite possibly the most glorious Yay 60s moment in all of season one. Enjoy.)))_

Cut to Android Kirk walking along on the Enterprise. Gasp!

He passes by Spock, who immediately follows him and catches up to him the captain's quarters. Android Kirk is getting important papers out of a password protected cubby.

Spock: "Finished ahead of schedule."

Kirk: "Dr. Corby has considerable cargo to beam aboard. I'll have to go over our destination schedule with him."

Spock: "You're going back down with a command packet?"

_(((Spock is mildly suspicious of Kirk's behavior at this point.)))_

Kirk: "Mind your own business, Mr. Spock, I'm sick of your half breed interference, you hear?"

Spock: "Yes, very well captain."

_(((Now Spock KNOWS that something's up.)))*****_

Kirk: "You look upset, Mr. Spock, is everything alright up here?"

Spock: "No problems here, sir."

Kirk: "Good. I'll beam up shortly with Dr. Corby and party."

Spock then alerts security to have the landing party meet him in the transport room AFTER Kirk has beamed down.

_(((The android is supposed to be EXACTLY like Kirk, and Kirk expresses concern about Spock seeming upset. It's interesting to see Kirk's personality in this type of situation. The android rattled off the insult because Kirk said it out loud just before his brain was copied into the android, but clearly the android has been programmed to care about Spock. Well fancy that._

_Ah, that reminds me: Kirk chose to imprint an insult to Spock for a very good reason. He knew that Spock would be instantly suspicious if Kirk just up and insulted him like that. Why, could it be because Kirk would NEVER insult Spock, NEVER be that short with him? That behavior like that would be considered so odd, so OUT OF CHARACTER, that Spock would get the message that something was very, very wrong?_

_Yeah, okay, they're really good friends, yadda yadda…but a slashier explanation is perfectly viable. A situation like this is just as likely to stem from the motivation of love and attraction as it is the motivation of friendship and, as we've seen and will _definitely_ see more of…there's certainly an attraction there and a love developing…)))_

Cut to Corby and Android Kirk planning which planet they want to land and star making androids on.

Cut to the real Kirk in his prison room. Andrea comes in to get his tray of food.

Kirk: "Not yet. Kiss me."

Andrea obliges dutifully, then goes to slap him out of memory of the last time.

Kirk grabs her closer and kisses her with a great deal more passion this time. During this long kiss, he opens his eyes to see how she's reacting to it.

_(((Once again, Kirk has a very strong ulterior motive to kissing a woman. Well first of all he knows it's not a woman, so unless you wanna argue that Kirk's got a robot fetish we all know that he doesn't really want to bone the pretty android. And if that wasn't proof enough, he even opens his eyes during the "heated" kiss, which is the universal sign for "I'm not really into this." The guy is trying to get out of his imprisoned situation, not make a billion human/android babies._

_However we do _technically_ watch Kirk kiss an actress who is female, which I guess was enough to throw off the censors and viewers as to what was really going on up there on the Enterprise.)))_

Andrea tries to make a break for it, but super-smooth Kirk gets behind her and whispers into her ear.

Kirk: "What's the matter, Andrea? Confused?"

Andrea clearly IS confused, but flees the room anyway.

_(((There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Kirk is SO good at seduction that he can stimulate ROBOTS.)))_

Ruck arrives then, and Kirk interrogates him about "the old ones."

Long interrogation short: Kirk confuses/outsmarts the robot and convinces Ruck that he needs to destroy Corby.

Corby comes in then and ends up phasering Ruck into oblivion.

Corby and Chapel lead Kirk into the main area, and Kirk tries to overpower Corby. In the struggle, a piece of flesh from Corby's hand is torn off…to reveal Corby's mechanical insides! Corby's an android! AHHH!!!

But he's not just any android. Corby put his consciousness into an android when he was dying on the planet a while back. Corby calls for Andrea and as Andrea is crossing the hall when she runs into Android Kirk.

Andrea: "I will kiss you."

Android Kirk: "No."

Andrea: "You will not?"

Android Kirk: "It is illogical."

Andrea phasers Android Kirk into oblivion.

_(((And what's THIS?!?! The Android Kirk is exactly like Kirk. We know this because it's been beaten into our brains for about twenty minutes now. The Android Kirk refuses to kiss a hot chick. Isn't Kirk supposed to be a play boy? Isn't he supposed to gobble up women (or in this case female-looking beings) for breakfast? APPARENTLY NO, NOT SO MUCH.)))_

Andrea joins the Corby/Kirk/Chapel party, talking about she killed the real Kirk but whups, the real Kirk is right there.

_(((So there you have it. Andrea killed the Android Kirk because she thought it was the real Kirk and didn't like that he wouldn't kiss her. A little psycho, but whateva.)))_

Kirk: "She killed the android, Corby, the same way you killed Ruck. Is this your perfect world? Your flawless beings killing off one another? Aren't you doing exactly what you hate most in humans, killing with no more concern than when you turn off a light?"

_(((Thank you, Kirk, for nailing the message home.)))_

Corby tries to argue that he's a perfect being, but he's getting confused.

Corby: "Christine…Christine let me prove myself."

He holds up his wounded hand.

Corby: "Does this make such a difference?"

_(((Babe, your full of blinky lights and copper wiring. There's a difference.)))_

Chapel: "Don't you see, Roger? Everything you've done has proven it isn't you."

Corby: "I am Roger Corby!!!!"

_(((KIRK, sir. The line is "I'M CAPTAIN KIRK!!" _

_Oh, wait, we're not in that episode? This isn't _The Enemy Within_? Huh, for a second there I could've sworn…)))_

Kirk tells Corby to prove it by giving him the phaser gun. Corby eventually does so, and Kirk demands Andrea's weapon.

Andrea then turns to Corby and starts talking about loving and kissing him.

_(((So Kirk's suaveness made her realize her love…for Corby? Interesting.)))_

Corby presses the trigger on Andrea's phaser (on purpose) and they're both killed.

And then the cavalry arrives, complete with Spock leading the way. Spock enters the room, sees Kirk standing up and Chapel sitting, doubled over with grief. The first thing out of Spock's mouth?

Spock: "Captain, are you alright?"

There's a good solid beat of silence as Kirk nods.

Spock: "Nurse?"

_(((If this scene looks familiar, it's because we saw almost the exact same thing happen at the end of the previous episode, Balance of Terror, only it was Kirk doing the asking._

_Yup, even if someone else is clearly worse off, Kirk and Spock will ask each other if they're alright…even if the answer to that is painfully obvious. They BOTH do this, in back to back episodes. How romantic._

_Yeah, that's right. ROMANTIC. This shit is adorable, and clearly shows who's always at the front of their minds. XD )))_

Spock asks where Corby is, and Kirk kind of half lies and says that Corby was never there.

_(((Well, it's time for the final scene. I might as well comment on it. I mean, it's not like anything incredibly flirty or adorable could happen in the last minute or so.)))_

Kirk is in his chair on the bridge. Spock approaches as Chapel leaves.

Kirk: "She's staying with ship."

There's a moment of silence. Kirk observes Spock.

Kirk: "Something bothering you, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term 'half breed,' captain."

There's another moment of silence.

Spock: "You must admit, it is an unsophisticated expression."

Kirk: "I'll remember that, Mr. Spock…the next time I find myself in a similar situation."

Cut to a grinning Spock, who looks ahead and fights back his smile.

Cut to Kirk, who's grinning as well.

_(((Okay, there's about 4,378 purely SLASHY things going on in this bit, so let's calm down and tackle it from the top._

_1. Spock is the one to approach, and the one to speak first. This is one of the rare cases where Spock is the one to initiate the encounter, and he does so with immediate playfulness. But not overt, obvious playfulness, of course. Spock playfulness. Coy playfulness. _

_2. Kirk asks if anything's bothering Spock. This is, what, the fifth time in one episode that one of them has asked about the other's well being? _

_3. The dialogue itself isn't flirty, but the way they deliver it sure as hell is. BOTH of them are fighting back grins during it, and they're eyeing each other like there's no freaking tomorrow._

_4. Then, when Kirk is done with his line, we cut to see Spock BLATANTLY GRINNING. How long has he been grinning for? We're not sure, 'cause at that point the camera has been on Kirk for a bit, but damnit it's RIGHT THERE. He even tries to fight it back as he looks away, but he doesn't quite succeed._

_5. Cut to Kirk with a matching little grin of his own. _

_6. I don't care who you are, this is a moment of tension. Tension of a romantic and sexual nature. Between two men. In the 60s. YAY 60s._

_I have just been adorabled to death.)))_

Kirk: "Steady as we go, helm."

_(((Steady indeed, Kirk. Steady indeed.)))_

End of episode.

*****_(((Someone who's screen name was only this: ;) just made a comment_ _that damn near knocked me out of my chair. In the beginning of the episode, Chapel intimates that engaged couples can always tell their lovers' voice. Later, when Android Kirk appears on the Enterprise, Spock is immediately suspicious, and Android Kirk's insult confirms his suspicion. This is pretty blatant. I mean, hell, Chapel wasn't even right when she said that it was Corby at the top of the episode, but Spock knew something was wrong with his man right off the bat. Whoever ;) is, I love you. I can't believe I missed something so delicious.))) _

* * *

**Score time!**

Times immortality is found - 1

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force - 1

Times Kirk rips/loses his shirt/has no shirt at all - 6

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 1

Pointless Rolls - 2

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 2 (I count the robots as computers)

Random crewman body count - 7

Times Kirk is Put in a Ridiculous Machine - 1


	10. 1x10 Dagger of the Mind

**Author's Note: **I've heard this episode referenced as a favorite among K/S fans (besides the obvious episodes like Amok Time and Shore Leave) and I couldn't quite remember why. Then I watched it just now in preparation for this project and I thought, "Oh, THAT'S why."

We K/Sers…we're not so delusional.

Also, I added a little bit to the end of Balance of Terror. It cleans things up a little. =D

* * *

**Season One, Episode Ten: Dagger of the Mind**

The episode opens with a shot of cargo labeled 'Destination: Tantalus Penal Colony." A random crewman sets it on a transporter and they try to transport it but they can't seem to do it. Kirk comes in during the attempt and afterwards reminds the random crewmen that the location is a penal colony and you have to request for the force field to be opened. DUH.

The crewman transports the cargo, and then beams up cargo for the Enterprise from Tantalus. Kirk then teases the crewman a bit and leaves.

_(((What the hell, Kirk? Is that you flirting with a random crewman? _

_Look at his behavior towards the guy. Sly smiles, gentle teasing…and we all know what happens when Kirk grins. Just a thought, nothing terribly concrete.)))_

The cargo meant for the enterprise (cunningly labeled as CLASSIFIED MATERIAL and calmly orders anyone looking to DO NOT OPEN) then opens slowly from the inside, revealing an older, CrAzY looking guy with a breathing mask. He sneaks up behind the only crewman in the room (who is just so fascinated by anything that will keep his attention over THERE instead of over HERE) and knocks him out cold.

We come back from opening titles. Kirk muses about wanting to have met Dr. Adams, the guy who runs the Tantalus V penal colony, instead of just trading cargo. The bridge gets a message from Tantalus then, saying 'whups, we lost one of our crazies, keep an eye out, k?'

The crew is alerted and everyone goes on the lookout. Crazy dude is spotted, and Kirk contacts Tantalus to tell them as much. He ends up talking to Dr. Adams himself, which he thinks is pretty neat.

McCoy approaches Spock.

Spock: "Interesting. You Earth people glorify organized violence for forty centuries, but you imprison those who employ it privately."

_(((That's a pretty big punch in the gut to the American way, especially for the 60s. Go Roddenberry.)))_

McCoy and Spock chat a little bit more until the crazy dude appears on the bridge and gives a random crewman a judo chop to the neck. He demands to know where the captain is, and Kirk announces his presence.

Crazy dude introduces himself as Van Gelder and asks for asylum. He wants Kirk to promise that he won't make him go back to Tantalus V.

Kirk makes eyes contact with Spock, and starts to move closer to Van Gelder.

_(((This is a lovely moment of teamwork between them.)))_

Kirk says he can't promise anything and keeps Van Gelder's attention as Spock starts to move into place behind Senor Crazy. At the last moment, Van Gelder sees Spock. Kirk kicks the phaser out of Van Gelder's hand and Spock is quick with his famous Vulcan Nerve Pinch.

Cut to Kirk and McCoy standing over Van Gelder in sick bay. McCoy says that Van Gelder is saying a lot of things, not finishing sentences, generally talking crazy, but it always has a bit of a ring of truth to it.

Kirk questions Van Gelder, but it's reallllly hard for him to get out valuable information. He does manage to get out that he was the Director of the Tantalus colony. He says that he knew more, but they 'erased it.' He then starts to freak out at the thought of going back to Tantalus and McCoy sedates him.

Fade to Kirk walking into the bridge. He sees Spock (currently off camera), notices that Spock is captivated by something in his scanner and approaches him, taking his usual position of leaning next to him.

Kirk: "Estimating arrival at Tantalus..?"

Spock: "57 minutes, 30 seconds captain."

Kirk leans in close and peeks into the scanner for a moment.

Kirk: "What's so fascinating?"

Spock: "An identification tape from our ship's library on Dr. Simon Van Gelder."

_(((Kirk no likey Spock's attention being somewhere else. When Spock responds with the ETA, he doesn't even look up, which makes Kirk believe that whatever has Spock's attention must be REALLY interesting 'cause Spock hasn't looked at him yet. The rest of the convo is pretty close quarters and as I've said before: Closeness is, in fact, cute.)))_

The conversation reveals that Van Gelder used to be Dr. Adams associate. Kirk then contacts Dr. Adams and they chat a bit. Dr. Adams says that Van Gelder was experimenting with a beam that they had hoped would rehabilitate prisoners and Van Gelder insisted on taking the risk before anyone else.

McCoy has appeared, however, to call B.S.

Kirk and McCoy have a little debate until Spock chimes in and says that they should ask if Dr. Adams would like Van Gelder returned.

Spock gives Kirk a little "Well don't you think?" look and Kirk takes Spock's advice.

Long story short (too late): Kirk tells Dr. Adams that he's required to investigate and form a report to make sure that all is well.

Dr. Adams is more than happy to oblige, he only asks that a small party beams down for security reasons, and Kirk sees nothing wrong with that 'cause…well…there isn't.

We come back from commercial and Kirk contacts McCoy from the bridge to see how Van Gelder's doing (which isn't very well).

McCoy: "Van Gelder's still violently agitated, captain."

Kirk: "And you'd prefer to keep him here until I complete my investigation anyway."

Spock: "I believe we should, Jim."

_(((WHOA, back up. Spock doesn't bust out the 'Jim' card very often. So why now? Well actually…I'm not entirely sure why now. All I know it's that it's weird. Maybe Spock was using the informal name to show how strongly he felt about the decision without having to do much. That's the closest I can really come to a theory.)))_

McCoy says that the doctor he recommended to go with Kirk to Tantalus is Dr. Noel, and is waiting in the transporter room.

Cut to Kirk and Spock entering the transporter room to find Dr. Noel.

_(((Here's where shit gets interesting.)))_

Upon seeing Dr. Noel, Kirk is stunned. There's a swell of 'hey look a pretty girl' music, but Kirk isn't stunned at her beauty. Noel smiles slightly, fondly, _knowingly_.

Noel: "Dr. Helen Noel, captain. We've met."

Kirk immediately looks to Spock, who gives him a slow "Oh reeeaaallllyyyyy?" look back.

_(((Whenever it comes to Kirk and a girl, Spock always has a strong opinion/thought about it.)))_

Kirk doesn't seem too thrilled about the whole thing, and reluctantly takes his place next to her on the transporter pad.

Noel: "Don't you remember? The science lab Christmas party?"

Kirk: "Yes, I remember."

Noel: "You…dropped in-"

Kirk: "Yes, yes, I remember."

_(((Look at that bit. Kirk is trying his best to shut her the fuck up, but in the quietest way possible. The moment absolutely reeks of "I don't want to talk about it, especially not HERE."_

_Now why wouldn't Kirk want to talk about a particular endeavor in front of Spock, eh? EH?! It's always curious when a woman from Kirk's past (or a woman at all) pops up. Spock always has very little to do with anything, and Kirk NEVER hits on a woman when he knows Spock is watching, not even when he has a clear ulterior motive for doing so (which is quite a bit). And if someone has to accidentally barge in on Kirk and some chick, it's always Spock.)))_

"Problem, captain?" Spock asks innocently.

_(((Spock, you snarky BASTARD.)))_

Kirk thinks, glances at Noel, then steps off the transporter pad and walks up to Spock so that his next words are private.

Kirk: "Spock, you tell McCoy that she had better check out as the best assistant I ever had."

_(((Translation: Know the bitch, hate the bitch, don't wanna work with the bitch, so the bitch better be good at her bitchy job, the bitch.)))_

_(((Kirk is very clearly NOT happy about all of this. What a way to treat the Dame of the Hour Kirk, geez.)))_

_Kirk goes back up to the transporter pad and leaves Spock with a 'well well WELL' look on his face._

_Earlier I mentioned that Spock always has an opinion/thought when there's a Dame of the Hour. Well now I'd like to suggest what that opinion/thought might be:_

_I think Spock has a shit load of fun whenever a Dame of the Hour arrives, because he loves poking fun at Kirk about the whole thing with his trademark little glances and expressions. Why would he want to poke fun at him for this? Because Spock knows damn well what's happening between them. _

_Imagine watching a guy, who you know is attracted to men, having to deal with women from his past._

_Yeah, it's pretty damn funny to think about. _

_And so far Kirk has shown no genuine interest in a woman._

_Food for thought.)))_

Kirk and Noel are beamed to Tantalus V which doesn't look like the planet from the pilot episode in any way, shape or form…::cough::

Kirk and Noel begin to walk to the nearby elevator.

Kirk: "In here I presume, doctor."

Noel: "Perhaps it would be simpler if you called me Helen, captain, since-"

Kirk: "This is another time, another place, and another situation."

_(((Well now, what happened at the Christmas party, I wonder? It must have something seriously hot and hetero to have Kirk acting like this. Hmmmm…)))_

The second they step into the elevator the doors slam shut and elevator rockets downward. Kirk grabs a hold of Noel out of fright and they both hold on, wondering that the fuck is going on.

_(((It's probably worth pointing out that Kirk really does grab her out of fright. The moment comes off way more as "EEP!" than "You must be frightened, let me put my manly arms around you and cop a feel.")))_

We finally meet Dr. Adams, and Noel throws out a couple of lame jokes. Kirk contacts Spock to and tells him that all is well. It's not long before Lethe enters, a former prisoner of the penal colony who stayed on to become a therapist after treatment.

Dr. Adams introduces her to Kirk and Noel. Her personality looks like this: ……….

Kirk asks her a few questions.

Kirk: "Before you came here…?"

Lethe: "I was another person. Malignant, hateful."

_(((Now I'm monotone, soulless.)))_

Kirk: "May I ask what crime you committed?"

Lethe: "Does it matter? That person no longer exists."

Dr. Adams chimes in and says that burying the past is part of treatment, and Noel (stupidly) agrees that the approach is wise.

Fade to the end of the grand tour. Kirk notices a room they haven't looked at yet.

Kirk: "Doctor…?"

Dr. Adams: "Ah, I was afraid you'd ask about this, captain. One doesn't like to talk about their personal failures and all. Just an experiment that went wrong, I'm afraid."

Kirk: "May I see it?"

Noel: "Captain, if something hasn't worked out and therefore has no scientific val-"

Kirk: "Shall we leave that up to the doctor?"

Noel: "Since you brought me down here for advice, captain, I-"

Kirk: "One of the advantages of being captain, doctor, is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it."

_(((I love this, 'cause he puts her in her place with a smile. I also love this, because we all know whose advice he respects enough to actually FOLLOW more often than not...as we have been shown repeatedly, and even earlier in this very episode. ;) )))_

Cut to sick bay, where McCoy and Spock are standing over Van Gelder, who says something about a 'neural neutralizer.' Spock tries to get him to elaborate, but the guy is too much pain-and-wild-facial-expressions to really say anything.

Cut to Kirk/Noel/Adams in the experiment room.

Dr. Adams: "A neural neutralizer. Experimental. Actually, we don't expect to get much use out of it at all. That beam from above neutralizes brain waves, relaxes the face and does them no harm, of course. The effects are only temporary."

Even though the thing doesn't work, they still use it in hopes of calming the more violent cases. They all leave, except for Kirk who stays behind to ask the random worker how it operates. Then they all find out that Van Gelder's injury happened under the neural neutralizer 'cause he just HAD to try it alone and shit.

They all leave, and we get to see the random worker tell the prisoner under the neutralizer to forget what had just happened, ramp up the neutralizer's power, and cause the prisoner a great deal of pain.

_(((In case you didn't realize it by now: Something's rotten in the state of Tantalus V.)))_

Later, Spock contacts Kirk via communicator and tells him Van Gelder believes Kirk to be in danger down there. Noel chimes in with a "That's foolish!" because she's a little stupid.

_(((Not 'Rand' stupid…but stupid.)))_

They swap info, which isn't much, then Kirk says that they'll spend the night on the planet. Van Gelder hears this and starts screaming "NOOO!" because he, for some reason, is the only one who thinks that is a BAD idea.

All Van Gelder can get out, though, is that Adams will destroy something in manner that is "like death."

Cue long shot of his horrified, hi-larious expression.

We come back from commercial to hear Spock talking about how he will now use an ancient Vulcan technique to enter Van Gelder's mind and try to make sense out of this whole mess. Spock seems hesitant to do this.

McCoy: "Spock, if there's the slightest possibility it might help…"

Spock: "I've never used it on a human, doctor."

McCoy: "If there's any way we can look into this man's mind to see if what he's saying is real or delusion we should-"

Spock: "It's a hidden, personal thing to the Vulcan people…and our private lives."

McCoy takes a brief moment. Now he has to break out the big guns.

McCoy: "Now look, Spock, Jim Kirk could be in real trouble. Will it work or not?"

Spock says nothing, and goes over to Van Gelder and begins the procedure.

_(((AHA!!! Until McCoy brings up that JIM KIRK could be in danger, Spock is all 'well it's like uber private and never been done on humans and I dunno it's kinda hard…' but man, the _second_ he hears Kirk's name, he sucks it up and does it anyway._

_McCoy knew it would work too, you can see him make the decision to go there before he says "Now look…" _

_Why McCoy, you manipulative little country doctor, you. XD _

_He uses a similar tactic on Kirk in a later episode, only it's even MORE telling then.))) _

Cut to Noel's quarters. The door buzzes and she answers. Why, it's Kirk! There must be some sexy sex on the way.

"Good evening," Kirk says as he strides right past her and into the room.

"Good evening," Noel cheerfully greets.

Kirk is still concerned, "What did you think of the inmates we saw this afternoon?"

_(((Shoot down #1)))_

"You could've waited until tomorrow morning to ask me that, captain," she quips with a light playfulness.

"I didn't," Kirk quickly states, not swayed by her tone in the slightest.

_(((Shoot down #2)))_

Noel finally picks up on his vibe and her tone turns professional, "I thought they were happy. Well adjusted."

From there Kirk says that he wants to get a closer look at that room and off they go.

_(((We get from Kirk's behavior that something is on his mind, and it's most certainly not Noel. So much for hawt sexy sex action.)))_

And now back to Spock's Vulcan mind probe thingy. Spock learns that the neutralizer is used to re-shape any mind Dr. Adams chooses, and he wiped out Van Gelder's memory. The neutralizer makes the person's mind completely blank, to the point that any thought or suggestion can be absorbed.

Cut to Kirk and Noel in the neutralizer room. Kirk has Noel operate the machine and he has a seat in the chair.

_(((Well this can only end with sunshine and rainbows.)))_

They try a shot of the neutralizer at minimum intensity for a second or two, and all it does is make Kirk's face go completely blank. They try it again, and Noel suggests that Kirk is hungry. When she turns the machine off, he makes a comment about being hungry.

They decide to try it again, and Kirk tells her to try "something _unusual_, an _unusual_ suggestion that we can both be sure of."

Noel turns the machine on.

Noel: "At the Christmas party. We met. We danced. You talked about the stars. I suggest now that it happened in a different way. You swept me off my feet and carried me to your cabin."

_(((So the big 'Christmas party' encounter was a conversation about the stars? Nothing happened? Not a thing? WOW. Are you shocked? I'm not._

_So wait, then why does Kirk dislike this chick so much? Sure, she's kinda dim, but other than that she's just a pretty girl with the hots for the captain. Maybe he got sick of her advances because he's just NOT interested…wonder why that would be…)))_

Now we get to see Noel's fantasy on screen. Kirk carries her into his chamber, they're both laughing.

Kirk: "Merry Christmas."

Noel: "Captain, do you think the crew saw you carry me here?"

_(((No, I don't think they noticed the captain of their ship sweeping a woman up into his arms and leave giggling like a school girl. ::Headdesk::)))_

Kirk: "My crew…is sworn to secrecy."

Noel: "But my reputation…I mean, just having met like this…of course, it would be different if you cared for me."

Kirk: "You want me to manufacture a lie? Wrap it up as a Christmas present for you?"

Noel: "No. I'd prefer honesty."

Kirk then proceeds to ram his tongue down her throat.

/end fantasy

_(((Okay…so even in Noel's FANTASY he doesn't have any real feelings for her? Wow…just…wow.)))_

Dr. Adams and his men suddenly arrive and restrain Noel. Dr. Adams takes over offering the suggestions and cranks up the power of the neutralizer.

Dr. Adams: "You're madly in love with Helen, captain. You'd lie, cheat, steal for her. Sacrifice your career, you're reputation."

_(((::Clears throat::_

_Kirk does in fact lie, cheat, steal and sacrifice his career and reputation for someone over the course of TOS and the films. That someone is Spock._

…

_That is all.)))_

Noel: "No, doctor, no!"

Dr. Adams: "You feel it, captain. You must have her or the pain grows worse. The pain, the longing for her."

Kirk: "Helen…"

Dr. Adams: "For years, you've loved her, captain. Years."

Kirk: "For years, I've loved you."

Dr. Adams: "You must continue to remember that, captain. Now, she's gone."

Dr. Adams cranks up the machine, then makes Kirk drop his phaser on the floor. Kirk struggles with this order, because deep inside himself he knows this is the wrong thing to do, but he does it. Dr. Adams tells him to drop the communicator next, but Kirk manages to open it and tries to hail the Enterprise. Dr. Adams jacks up the power yet again until Kirk screams in pain.

Commercial.

Kirk is now laying in his quarters as Noel dabs his head with a cloth. His eyes pop open.

Noel: "They've taken you from the room, captain. You're in your own quarters now."

Kirk: "Helen…Helen for years I've loved you."

_(((This would be really sweet…if he wasn't completely hypnotized into thinking he loves her at the moment. Once again, when Kirk actually shows interest in a chick, it's not his idea.)))_

Noel gets Kirk to remember Dr. Adams and the neutralizer. He temporarily snaps out of the trance, sees an air duct on the wall, and gets an idea. He sends her through it to get to the power supply to short circuit it and get rid of the force field.

Just as she gets through, guards arrive to take Kirk to another treatment.

Now Kirk is back in the chair. Dr. Adams comments that Van Gelder was on his hands and knees, sobbing at this point in the experiment.

_(((We're meant to gather exactly how strong Kirk's mind and will are when it comes to pain.)))_

_(((Brace yourself for quick cuts. Shit happens fast.)))_

Dr. Adams hears that Noel is gone, and he tries to force information out of Kirk until Kirk collapses.

Cut to Noel. She gets to the main power control room and Spock is on the Enterprise trying to get the transporter to work despite the force field.

Noel manages to shut off the main power, and the neutralizer shuts off too.

Cut to Kirk beating the shit out of the Dr. Adams and the guard and running off.

Cut to Noel. A guard shows up and turns the power back on. She kicks him into the power supply and he gets electrocuted, shorting out the force field.

Cut to Spock on the Enterprise. He immediately hops in the transporter and beams down. He then turns off the force field but turns the main power on, reactivating the neutralizer.

Cut to Kirk. He's back in his quarters, and Noel has just arrived in his quarters via the duct she left by.

The hypnosis takes over and Kirk pulls her out, kissing her.

Noel: "This isn't right, captain."

Spock enters then, and sees them kissing.

_(((Check out Spock's shocked expression. How very INTERESTING.)))_

Noel pulls away.

Noel: "Dr. Adams did this to you!"

Spock arches an eyebrow, as if to say "Oh…really?"

_(((There he goes again, having an opinion about Kirk and a woman.)))_

Kirk: "Dr. Adams…"

Kirk looks at Spock, snapping out of it. Spock cocks his head to the side, as if to say "What mess did you get yourself into THIS time?"

Kirk: "Dr. A…the treatment room. Follow me."

Kirk, Noel and Spock run off.

_(((Kirk "loving" Noel is never again addressed. We're left to assume that the hypnosis has been broken. When did the hypnosis break? When Kirk saw Spock._

……

………_._

_Don't look at me, I didn't right this stuff._

_You watch some more of the episode while I go track down my mind. If that fucking thing reels one. more. time…)))_

The Enterprise's crew now has control of the colony, and Kirk and company rush into the neutralizer chamber to find Dr. Adams dead. The machine was turned up enough to kill, and Kirk muses that he died because his mind was empty and he was all _alone_.

Cut to later, on the bridge. Kirk enters, his mind clearly occupied, his movements slow. Spock informs him that the treatment room has been dismantled. Kirk takes his seat. McCoy stands behind him.

McCoy: "It's hard to believe that a man could die of loneliness."

There's a solid four seconds of silence as Kirk's mind works.

Kirk: "Not when you've sat in that room."

There's a few more seconds of silence.

Kirk takes a breath and glances over at Spock.

Spock looks at Kirk, concerned for him in a very quiet, deep way.

Kirk smiles gently at him.

Kirk: "Take us out of orbit, Mr. Spock. Ahead Warp Factor One."

Spock smiles slightly.

Spock: "Acknowledged, captain. Warp Factor One."

Spock steps away, Kirk is still smiling.

_(((………….._

……………………_.._

……………………………_.._

_Every now and then I have a thought. What if Kirk/Spock fans are just wrong? What if we're crazy? What if we just hope so hard that we convince ourselves something that just isn't true? _

_Then moments like this happen, and those thoughts vanish instantly._

_Let's take a closer look at this, shall we?_

_Beat One: Just after Kirk has said 'Not when you've sat in that room' he's looking out ahead at nothing. He is clearly haunted by the torture he endured, and something else as well. Kirk already had a fear of ending up alone to begin with. We learned in _The Naked Time_ that he desperately wants someone, he doesn't want to be alone. It's an aspect of his character that recurs throughout the series and movies. So to throw in torture that leaves you blank and alone on top of that is just down right cruel. During this beat he's contemplating the reality of his deepest fear, and he has been since he entered the bridge (hence his odd behavior)._

_Beat Two: Kirk glances at Spock. For a brief moment, we see Spock watching Kirk. He's concerned, worried, his expression is incredibly subtle, but his inner life is yelling at the top of its lungs. Nimoy, my friends, can ACT. This is a suspended moment, as triggered by Kirk's inhale before he glances over. We're all on the edge of our seats._

_Beat Three: Kirk smiles. He _smiles_ at Spock. As he delivers his order to Spock, we see that he's put at ease. He knows he doesn't have to fear being alone…when he looks at Spock._

_Beat Four: During Kirk's last line of his order, we get to see Spock's expression. Spock is now relieved as well, his inner smile so great that we get to see a physical one. He glances at McCoy, checking to see if the doctor has picked up on what has just passed between him and Kirk. Spock delivers his line with lightness, and ends it smiling one of his trademark verrry subtle smiles._

_Beat Five: Spock walks away. Kirk is now smiling widely. _

_Beat Six: Kirk's mind travels back to the torture he has endured and his smile fades, an affect that would happen to any man having been through torture._

_All of this communicated in 19 seconds of footage, with some beats lasting barely a moment. _

_If you're thinking that this is fucking impressive, you would be right._

_All of that to convey something that's pretty simple: Kirk knows he will never be alone because he has Spock. This isn't the only time that this point is brought up, either. Only next time it gets smacked over our heads in a moment that's much longer, with events that you can't ignore. This moment slips by, but if you really look at it, you can see that it's all there._

_Roddenberry, Nimoy, and Shatner were absolute geniuses at pulling this off._

…_and we're not even to Shore Leave yet.)))_

End of episode.

* * *

**The Score So Far: **

(This is the 'full edition' that I throw in every five episodes. It features everything I'm keeping track of that has made it onto the score board so far. There's still plenty of stuff I'm tracking that hasn't happened yet.)

Times a god-like being is featured - 1

Times a disease threatens the crew - 1

Time the transporter breaks/malfunctions - 1

Times immortality is found – 1

Random crewman body count - 7

Times Kirk Kisses a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force - 2

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to - 4

Times Kirk rips/loses his shirt/has no shirt at all - 6

Times Kirk is injured - 1

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 2

Pointless Rolls - 2

Times Kirk outsmarts computer - 2

Times Spock is injured - 2


	11. 1x11 Miri

**Author's Note: **ComplexNumber brought up some essential points in a comment she left that I'd like to weigh in on. I don't think every person who wrote a TOS episode was necessarily aware of how close Kirk and Spock really were, which left it up to the actors sometimes to create moments from scratch. This would explain why some episodes are extra light on slash, and some odd things happen. Also, with something like this the show could never be TOO obvious which, unfortunately, results in some conflicting canon events.

My theory is that if TOS aired for the first time tomorrow, everyone would know about Kirk and Spock right off the bat because (while the majority still doesn't "approve" of it) we're all very aware of homosexuality in entertainment. Back in the 60s…not so much.

Stellaatheart basically took the words right out of my mouth in her response as well. I'd like to add that Roddenberry could never, EVER reveal Kirk and Spock to be gay. Can you imagine the unbelievable wave of shit everyone involved with the show would get, even today? Homophobia is still rampant in America, gay marriage isn't even legal. If he had given the world a definitive answer, it would've been over. Maybe one day it'll happen, but back then and right now? Never. Way too many Trekkies would consider their beloved franchise "ruined" because the U.S. still has incredibly immature views on gay love. Hell, they get all huffy if you even suggest it.

But to directly answer ComplexNumber's question about who determines if Kirk and Spock are attracted to each other: It all _begins_ with who first creates the characters, and it is then fulfilled by the actors. Now, if the actors suck at their job or their chemistry together is just off then even the best written love story falls flat. Fortunately Nimoy and Shatner were competent actors, even if Shatner wasn't formally trained and their chemistry…well that just goes without saying.

/end soapbox

While this episode isn't quite as heavy on the slash as the previous one (except for one O.O moment) there's still some really great stuff happening and interesting relationships to examine. This episode also shows that, once again, Kirk don't give no damn 'bout Rand.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Eleven: Miri**

This episode doesn't waste any time to get the ball rolling. The Enterprise is in the middle of receiving an Earth-type distress signal (S.O.S) from the third planet in a solar system, which is weird 'cause they're reaaalllly far away from Earth's galaxy. They get close enough for their sensors to pick up some info, and Spock starts rattling it off. All of the statistics are sounding very familiar, but its when Spock reveals that the atmosphere is oxygen/nitrogen that everyone really perks up.

Rand: "Earth!"

_(((Yes thank you, Rand. We never would've gotten that if you hadn't said anything. -.- )))_

The planet is now displayed, and it looks exactly like our very own Earth. Kirk clarifies, out loud, that it's not *the* earth, but *another* earth.

We come back from titles to hear that they still haven't made contact with anything on the planet, and when they beam down they can see why. The place is deserted.

The landing party is as follows: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Rand, Random Crewman 1, Random Crewman 2, a duck, a moose, a chicken, Princess Diana, Abraham Lincoln, and Jesus.

_(((Seriously, did they really NEED all of those people? My god.)))_

Wouldn't you know it, the surface looks like Earth too. Spock estimates that it looks like Earth circa about 1960.

_(((…::cough::…)))_

Oh, and the distress signal was most likely automated.

They keep walking around, and they find an old, broken tricycle.

Kirk picks it up and calls Mr. Spock over. He hands it to Spock like it would be something fascinating, but then walks off with a slight smile. Spock doesn't understand why he was handed a useless kid's toy, and hands it off to McCoy, who's a bit more interested.

_(((Ahhhhahahaha, I totally missed this moment until I was looking at it right now. Our Kirk plays a little joke on Spock, you see. _

_He calls Spock over like he's found something interesting, then looks at the bike like "Hm, oh yes…very interesting, very interesting" and then passes it to Spock like he's supposed to have the same opinion, but at the last second we see on Kirk's face, a look that clearly states "Ha, sucker." And poor Spock just takes the bike and doesn't understand why Kirk called him over in the first place._

_Kirk was toying with Spock's natural curiosity, and that is adorable.)))_

McCoy messes with the bike until some nasty lookin' dude comes out of nowhere screaming "MINE!!" and attacks McCoy. It takes both Kirk and Spock to pull the guy off the doctor, and three punches to the face to finally get him down.

The nasty dude cries a bit about his broken bike like he was a child, then he starts to have a seizure and dies. It is just not this nasty dude's day. McCoy scans the poor guy and says that it looks like he aged centuries in the past few minutes.

Then Kirk hears something and goes running off, company in tow.

They wind up at the door of an old building, and they track the sounds to a closet. Kirk opens the door to find…a young girl! AHHHH!!!!

The girl begs that they don't hurt her and starts crying.

McCoy wonders aloud what happened to the girl that she should be so freaked out by humans.

Spock goes off to look around some more with the 2 random crewman, and the cinematographer thought now would be a good time to have a captivating shot of Spock through the only area of a dirty window that has been wiped clean.

Cut to the girl talking to Kirk/Rand/McCoy about how 'grups' like them used to cause a bunch of trouble and hurt people. Kirk asks wtf 'grups' are.

Girl: "You are. They were, when onlies get old."

Rand: "Grown ups."

_(((No way Rand, how did you figure that out? All you had to go on was 'grups' and that they're old. You ma'am, are a genius._

_DIE.)))_

The girl says that the grups got sick and died after they went a bit nuts, but it didn't affect the onlies (children). In fact, there are more of them. The group breaks up then, and Kirk sits near the girl.

Kirk: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Miri."

Kirk: "Miri. Pretty name…for a pretty young woman."

Miri looks up. Kirk smiles softly.

Miri: "Pretty?"

Kirk: "Very pretty."

_(((No, Kirk is not a pedophile. He is, however, a charmer. He sees Miri in a constant state of being upset, and what's the quickest way to make a young girl happy? Flatter her, make her feel special. He's flirting with her so that she'll trust him. He doesn't wanna bone the kid._

_Note the infamous Kirk-is-flirting smile. It's there.)))_

Meanwhile, Spock and random crewmen are still searching for other signs of life. Suddenly they hear the trademark "Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh" that young kids love to say, but they can't see the children. The chant then speeds up and gets louder. They sound like they're everywhere.

_(((It's fuckin' CREEPY.)))_

Spock goes back to Kirk and reports that there are a lot of other children, they just can't get to them. Kirk knows that they need to find records somewhere of what happened, and asks Miri if she knows of any buildings "where doctors use to work." Miri knows what he's talking about, but is hesitant to take him there 'cause it's a "bad place." However, a little polite begging and a gentle smile from Kirk are quick to make her change her mind.

He then flirts with her a little more, saying that he likes her, that he wouldn't lie to her, and grinning all over the place.

_(((See? He's using his masculine wiles to get what he wants out of her. It's a little manipulative, okay maybe A LOT, but what else do you want him to do in this situation?)))_

Kirk tilts Miri's chin up and notices a bluish mark on his hand and Miri freaks out, saying that it'll spread and then he'll go crazy and then he'll die AHHH!!!!

We come back from commercial to hear that the blue splotches indicative of the disease has been spotted on everybody…except Spock. Kirk contacts the ship and orders that no one, under any circumstances, is to beam down.

As he finishes his order, he sees Spock working…and decides to have a little fun.

"Bones?" Kirk says as he leans on the table next to him.

"Hm?" McCoy answers, his attention now on Kirk.

Kirk asks his questions with the utmost professionalism, "Why do you think the symptoms haven't appeared in Mr. Spock?"

_(((Kirk sets it up…)))_

Spock's pointy little ears perk up at the mention of his name.

"I don't know," McCoy muses with a straight face, "probably the little bugs, or whatever they are, have no appetite for green blood."

_(((…McCoy follows through…)))_

Kirk laughs quietly to himself.

Spock wanders over to the conversation, pretending to read a file as he calmly states, "Being a red blooded human obviously…has its disadvantages."

_(((…and Spock owns them both. XD_

_Don't start the snarkiness game with Spock, he'll win every time…unless he's alone with Jim…then he loses every now and then. ;) _

_Sadly, we don't get to see Kirk's reaction…)))_

He then proceeds to annoy McCoy by analyzing the microscope he's using until McCoy tells him to buzz off.

Kirk and Spock read up on the hospital files and discover that the planet had a nice little 'life prolongation' project going.

A little later, Spock is a bit frustrated by the fact that files are 300 years old but there aren't any adults…so how are the kids here? Spock then develops the theory that going through puberty contracts the disease.

It makes sense…except for the whole 'all the adults are dead' thing.

They're almost onto something…then Rand changes the subject for no reason.

Rand: "One thing, captain. If she were a wild animal ever since she's been a little girl, how do you explain that she wants to stay with us?"

_(((Shut UP, Rand. Go feed whatever the FUCK is on top of your head. It looks hungry.)))_

Kirk muses (there's a lot of that in this episode) about a child's instinctive need for adults until Spock and McCoy state the obvious: Miri's figuring out she's horny and would like for Kirk to plow her.

_(((They phrase it a little more gently…but whateva.)))_

Spock gets some info from the ship and announces that he has calculations now. Kirk tells Miri to go clean a table over there away from them, and he does so with *another* smile. She's more than happy to oblige.

Spock: "According to their life prolongation plan, what they thought they were accomplishing, a person would age only one month for every one hundred years of real time."

Rand: "One hundred years…and only one month?"

_((( DEATH, Rand. FIND SOME. )))_

So basically the adults made a miscalculation and wiped out all adults everywhere and oh yeah the children are probably like WAY older than they look. Fun.

McCoy: "A child entering puberty on this planet means a death sentence."

_(((_Charlie X_ was about the pain and angstiness of the teen years. This episode is about the suckage of puberty….if you hadn't already assumed that.)))_

Kirk then says that, since there's no adult influence, that they're still dealing with children regardless of how old they literally are. Kirk wants to get close to the other kids, but Spock says it's impossible. Kirk declares that he's gonna try, and we literally get to watch him switch into Man Whore Mode. He calls Miri over and asks if she wants to "go someplace." They hold hands as they leave.

Now we get to finally see the other kids…which isn't terribly interesting. Blah blah, the leader kid doesn't like the new grups in town…they plot to steal the groups communicators…they see Kirk and Miri outside…they hide…Kirk and Miri enter the building.

Some poor chick who's obviously hit puberty pops in and attacks Kirk, sending the healthy kids running.

Kirk shoots the chick with a phaser set on stun, but it kills her anyway.

Later, Kirk has Miri sharpening pencils and basically doing anything that'll keep her busy.

Spock has a theory about how long they have left to live, but it has to be confirmed by the ship's computers so it'll be a bit before he knows for sure. Kirk asks about how much time Miri has, Spock estimates about five to six weeks.

Then this happens:

McCoy: "What about us?"

Spock: "The older the victim, the more rapid the progress of the disease."

Kirk: "And you? The disease doesn't seem to be interested in you."

Spock: "I am a carrier. Whatever happens, I can't go back to the ship."

Spock looks up at Kirk and smiles ever so slightly.

Spock: "And I _do_ want to go back to the ship…captain."

_(((Uh…::clears throat::…officers?)))_

Kirk smiles knowingly.

_(((Fellas?))) _

Kirk: "Of course, Mr. Spock."

_(((Other people in the room here, guys.)))_

Spock smiles with his eyes.

_(((Anybody home? No?)))_

Kirk smiles some more.

_(((HELLO?!?!)))_

Kirk glances over and sees that other people are in the room and changes his tone, and the subject, completely.

Kirk: "We still don't know what we're fighting."

_(((Translation: Cough cough, staring what? Smiling what? Nothin' to see here, allllll penis- I mean business! Uh…we're dying! That's scary! Ahh!)))_

_(((Twelve seconds. They make crazy googly eyes at each other for TWELVE. FREAKIN'. SECONDS. In front of Rand and McCoy, no less! Let us dissect this delectable little bit, shall we?_

_It's all business, until SPOCK initiates the flirty subtext and innuendo, a rarity for the Vulcan._

_1. Spock: "And I _do_ want to go back to the ship…captain."_

_Subtext: "I want to get back to _our_ place. You know, where we flirt and carry on?"_

_Check out the way he says 'captain' too. He pauses…then drops his voice ever so slightly…then…'captain'….::shiver::_

_2. Kirk smiles. He knows EXACTLY what Spock is talking about._

_3. Kirk: "Of course, Mr. Spock."_

_Subtext: "Oh we will, Spock. We. Will."_

_Notice how they trade formalities. 'Captain.' 'Mr. Spock.' But they're not doing this in their typical, dutiful way. Oh no, it's dripping with intimate subtext. We've seen stuff like this done before, when couples or spouses playfully call each other Mr. or Mrs. No difference here._

_4. Cut to Spock's absolutely, 100% FLIRTY expression. He's staring Kirk down like none other, there's no denying it._

_5. Cut to Kirk…still smiling his head off. Yeah, they both know what's goin' on, what's been brewing these past couple of years…ohhh yeahhh…_

_Oh, and what's that? Kirk is GRINNING, is he? We all know what that means, and Kirk has given us plenty of examples earlier in this very episode._

_6. Kirk remembers that McCoy and Rand are kind of, you know, RIGHT THERE. He then pulls the greatest gear-shift moment EVER, it cracks me up every time._

_Look, when we see someone crying, we know they're sad. When we see someone rubbing their temples, we know they're stressed. When we see someone look at someone else with the expression that Kirk and Spock frequently wear, we know there's sexual tension in the air. 1 + 1 = 2._

_Once again, if you're doubting, imagine this bit playing out between a man and a woman. Mhm. YEAH._

_::Fans self:: Whew, is it hot in here or is it just slash?)))_

Spock gets word from the Enterprise that his calculations were correct, which means they only have seven days to find a cure before they all go crazy and die.

We come back from commercial to see the boys a couple of days later. McCoy is finding some vital information. The life prolongation project consisted of a chain reaction of viruses meant to ultimately extend life…which kinda obviously backfired.

_(((Note the tear at Kirk's collar…where the hell did that come from? I guess he's just THAT stressed.)))_

Kirk: "You two will have to recreate their thinking. If you can isolate that virus, you'll be able to develop a vaccine."

McCoy: "Is that all, captain? We have five days, you know."

_(((HA! I love McCoy.)))_

The 'nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh" thing starts up suddenly, and the boys go off in search of the children. Unfortunately it was a trick, and the children's leader (with the receding hairline) sneaks into the now empty lab and steals the communicators.

The boys return to find their shit gone, and subsequently freak out. See, they kinda need the communicators to, you know, communicate with the ship. If they can't do that, they can't use the ship's computers and figure out, well, _anything_.

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Star Date 2717.3: Three days, seven hours left to us. Investigation proves that the supply of food left in the are is running dangerously low. Unless something is done, the children will starve in a few months. In addition, the disease is working on each of us according to Dr. McCoy's prediction. Our tempers are growing short, and we are no further along than we were two days ago."

Kirk bites McCoy's head off, McCoy bites Kirk's head off, Kirk accidentally knocks some beakers out of Rand's hand she flips her shit and flees the room. Kirk chases after her to calm her down.

He catches up to her in the hall, and she's all tears and vulnerability and shit.

Rand: "Back on the ship, I used to try to get you to look at my legs."

_(((Keyword here being TRY, which means he WOULDN'T, he DIDN'T. The poor girl was trying to get him to pay attention, and he just wouldn't. _

_Well. Fan. Cy. That.)))_

Rand: "Captain…look at MY legs."

_(((From the way she stresses 'my' she's asking him to look at HER legs, and not someone ELSE'S. Why, whoever could that someone else be? Granted this is 100% speculation 'cause there's no proof what-so-ever…but still…it makes ya wonder…_

_On the other hand, whoever the crap is playing Rand isn't that great of an actress, so she may have just been grasping for a different way to say the same line 'cause like that's what actresses do omg.)))_

He looks at her legs out of pity, and sees that the blue-stuff-of-doom has spread to her legs, and through her hosiery no less. Kirk hugs her in a "there there" kind of way, and Miri sees this. Miri, being inexperienced, misinterprets this act as one of actual adoration and walks off.

McCoy's had a breakthrough! Huzzah!!!

After McCoy breaks the good news to Kirk and Rand that there's an actual chance of survival, Kirk takes her by the shoulders and they have a brief celebratory look.

_(((There's no romance here, it's the look of two people who just found they might not die horribly.)))_

Miri is watching this too, however, and misinterprets everything again.

_(((Miri's like what's-her-name from Atonement…the chick who sees something and you know…misinterprets it…this reference would go a lot smoother if I could remember her name. Fuck.)))_

Cut to Miri plotting with the rest of the children to kidnap Rand so that Kirk will go looking for her.

Back from commercial, where Spock and McCoy think that they have the antidote, they just don't know the dosage. And Kirk is yelling at Miri to tell him where the hell Rand went.

_(((She apparently disappeared during the commercial break. Sneaky kids.)))_

McCoy tells Kirk that they reaaalllly need those communicators 'cause the ship needs to test the antidote before they inject it 'cause if they're wrong they'll be just a tad dead.

As Spock puts it: "Without them, it could be a beaker full of death."

_(((Beaker Full of Death is sooo gonna be the name of my debut album, to be followed by Bunsen Burner of Chaos and Test Tube Full of Loneliness.)))_

Kirk now yells the truth at Miri (that she's gonna get the disease soon) and she doesn't believe him until he shows her the blue stuff on her arm.

Now comes a scene that's about six minutes long and repeats itself. A lot. Long story short: Kirk talks sense to the kids and they resist, then he talks some more sense.

Cut to Spock and McCoy. McCoy says they can't wait any longer and that they should risk injecting the supposed antidote. Spock doesn't feel like arguing so he goes to join Kirk. McCoy, in a moment of sheer bravery and utter stupidity, injects himself with the antidote and collapses in pain.

Spock runs in to find McCoy not quite dead. Kirk runs in, with the communicators and a herd of children. The sores disappear from McCoy's face. It's the antidote! Woo!

The crew goes back to the ship, they talk about how they're sending teachers, advisors etc to help the kids. Rand brings up Miri, Kirk makes an older woman joke.

End of episode.

_(((Anti-climactic, I know. But hey, the ending of the previous episode was slashy enough for the both of them, yes?)))_

_

* * *

  
_

**Score Time!**

Times a disease threatens the crew – 2

Times Kirk rips/loses his shirt/has no shirt at all – 7

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1


	12. 1x12 The Conscience of the King

**Author's Note: **Ahem…my apologies to ComplexNumber…apparently 'she' is a 'he.' My bad. .

I would also like to extend my apologies to lemon drop 7's cat...which got scared on my account. =P

Queen of magicians mentioned that I left out 'immortality' in the score for the previous episode. When I was scoring 'Miri' I decided to split hairs about this. Technically they age one month for every hundred years, so really they'll have an insanely long life, but they're not *actually* immortal. Good catch, Queen of Magicians. I meant to address this at the end of 'Miri' but forgot. ::Shame::

There's a whole lot of interesting things to be looked at in this episode, with one scene in particular being more interesting than I originally thought.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twelve: The Conscience of the King**

This episode opens on a jolly note. We see one man stab another and get blood all over the knife and hands. Woo!

But then we see that it's only the play _Macbeth_, and Kirk is watching in the audience along with some guy he apparently knows. The guy isn't too happy, though, as he whispers to Kirk that the man playing Macbeth is Kodos the Executioner.

_(((Kodos the Executioner = My professional wrestling name. DONE.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Star Date 2817.6: Starship Enterprise diverted from scheduled course. Purpose: To confirm discovery by Dr. Thomas Layton of an extraordinary new synthetic food which would totally end the threat of famine on Signia Minor, a nearby Earth colony."

Well the synthetic food thing was just a touch untrue. All Layton really wanted from Kirk was for him to see the actor he thinks is Kodos.

_(((Hey, maybe Layton thinks Kodos is cute…maybe he's a LAYTON HOMOSEXUAL, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHApleasedon'thurtme.)))_

Kirk is having a hard time believing all of this because the authorities found a badly burned body that they kinda sorta assumed was Kodos and they closed the book on the case. Layton isn't satisfied and thinks it's worth it to investigate since Kodos butchered 4,000 people and really screwed up the left side of his face. Layton begs for Kirk's help because only eight or nine people actually saw Kodos and lived to tell about it, Layton being one and Kirk being another.

Kirk says, one more time with feeling, that Kodos is a smidge DEAD. Layton then reveals that he's hosting a party that night for the entire theater company to get a better look the actor.

Cut to Kirk in a briefing room, researching Kodos and the actor who played Macbeth, Kiridian.

Long story short: Kiridian's history begins only after Kodos' ends, and oh yeah Kiridian's got a 19 year old daughter, Lenore, who is also in the theater company.

_(((This isn't a huge fact that intrigues Kirk, it's just one of many that he learns, but it's worth pointing out, as ye shall see.)))_

Kirk compares pictures of Kodos and Kiridian, and they look pretty darn similar…but not quite exact enough to be certain.

Kirk decides to go to Layton's party after all, and soon runs into Lenore. It takes about .2 seconds for Kirk to smile and saunter on over. The flirt-fest that ensues is…interesting.

_(((Kirk is really laying it on thick with Lenore, but he knows that Lenore is Kiridian's daughter. And well since he would have no reason to charm the daughter of the guy suspected to have slaughtered 50% of his population then he must genuinely like her. _

_Oh wait…_

_Yes, once again Kirk hits on a woman and ONCE AGAIN he has a clear ulterior motive. I mean hell, one of the first questions he asks her is if her father is around (to which she says no, and that he never makes public appearances)._

_As of right now we have no reason to believe that Kirk actually gives a damn about Lenore._

_And also, throughout the whole flirting explosion of mush, Kirk is smiling and grinning his head off in that oh so particular way. Grinning = Flirting. Interesting._

_Now, a grin from Kirk doesn't ALWAYS mean that he's flirting, obviously. It's like the whole square/rectangle thing. A flirt is always a grin but a grin isn't always a flirt.)))_

Kirk and Lenore leave the party and go for a stroll outside in a place that looks absolutely nothing like the planet from _The Man Trap_.

Well as it turns out Kirk is REALLY bad at picking the romantic spots, 'cause right as he's about to lay one on her he sees Layton a few yards away and it looks like he's caught a touch of death.

_(((You could say he caught a DECEASE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAokayseriouslyI'llstop.)))_

Cut to Kirk having to console yet another widow. From the way Kirk looks at Layton, we can tell that now Kirk is in this investigation to the end. He calls the guy who's supposed to pick up the theater company and tells him to, well, not do that.

Now we're back on the bridge.

_(((Hunker down people, it's about to get interesting.)))_

Spock moseys on over to Kirk, who's in his chair.

Spock: "Ready to resume course, captain."

Kirk: "I think we're due for a pick up."

Spock: "What kind? Personnel, Cargo?"

Kirk inhales to answer, but Uhura beats him to it.

Uhure: "Captain, a Miss. Kiridian has been transported aboard ship. She requests permission to see you."

Kirk: "Tell her to come up to the bridge."

Kirk then turns in his chair and looks directly at Spock.

_(((Poor Spock, he's a bit lost at the moment. All he knows is that some chick is coming to the bridge, and Kirk has just given him a "watch this, it'll be interesting" look. The look happens pretty quickly, but it's nonetheless there.)))_

We see Lenore escorted out of the transporter room. She's wearing some furry purple thing.

_(((Does she know how many muppets it took to make that thing? That's just CRUEL.)))_

On the bridge, Spock approaches Kirk again and leans on his chair.

Spock: "How did you know this lady was coming aboard?"

Kirk: "I'm the captain."

Spock's face says "Oh…well yeah…alright…"

Kirk's face says "Hehe, I love knowing more than Spock."

_(((Really, look at the reaction moment after Kirk answers. Kirk is having a bit of fun with Spock again. Poor Vulcan. =P )))_

Lenore arrives then. Kirk greets her. Spock looks at her for a solid moment or two, says nothing, and goes to his station.

Kirk is immediately all grins and god-I'm-sexys as Lenore asks him if he can give the theater company a lift.

All the while, Spock is not-so-subtly staring straight at them and listening.

_(((Concerned, Spock? Well, he has some good reasons to be. Kirk knew she'd come aboard, which means he must have known WHY she'd come aboard, but how would Kirk know that? _Why_ does Kirk know that? Why is he flirting with a chick? THE WORLD'S GONE MAD!!)))_

Kirk and Lenore strike a deal: Give the company a lift and they'll put on a free show. Lenore leaves. Spock is still watching Kirk very closely, suspicious. Kirk's good mood has now vanished.

_(((Just another indication that he was putting on an act for Lenore.)))_

Spock: "May I inquire as to our course, captain?"

Kirk: "Venecea colony."

Spock: "Venecea colony is eight light years off our course."

Kirk: "My memory needs refreshing, Mr. Spock, I'll ask for it. In the meantime, follow my orders."

_(((::Cat hiss:: Jesus, Kirk, wtf is up in yo grill? You're acting like you might have found a war criminal responsible for slaying half his own population…or something._

_Well, _we_ know what's wrong, but Spock sure as hell doesn't. Now the poor guy is even MORE confused. Kirk only gets snippy with Spock when something is very, very wrong. Hell, he's only bitten Spock's head off ONE other time so far, and that was when Spock suggested they kill Gary Mitchell in the pilot.)))_

We come back from commercial and Kirk sits on the bridge and asks the computer for a list of the people who have gotten their eyes on Kodos. Among the names is Riley, who's currently serving his duty on the Enterprise.

_(((Small universe.)))_

The camera pulls back to show that Spock is standing by Uhura, but staring at Kirk.

_(((Hardly with lovey dovey eyes, though. Spock knows something's up, he just can't figure out what. _

_You'd think he'd be able to hear the loud computer talking from a few feet away...but I guess not…yay 60s…)))_

Kirk immediately calls Spock over and gives the order to have Riley transferred to the engineering deck.

Spock: "He came up from engineering, captain."

Kirk: "Well I'm sending him back."

Spock: "Any explanation? He's a fine young officer, he's bound to consider this transfer a disciplinary action."

Kirk: "I don't wish to discuss it, Mr. Spock, please follow my orders."

Well that does it for Spock, Kirk has pulled the 'follow my orders' crap twice now, and then there's all that shifty business with Lenore. Spock goes to McCoy to voice his concern.

_(((Wait…uh…why is a captain telling someone to follow his orders suspicious? He is, in fact, the superior officer. Maybe it's 'cause Kirk always listens to Spock, lets Spock in on what's going on. Often times Spock is the _only_ other person who knows what's going on. Acting like a typical captain, like they're not close, just does not compute with Spock._

_A. Dorable.)))_

McCoy: "Mr. Spock, the man on top walks along his street. The chain of command is often a noose."

_(((Translation: Kirk is the captain, what he does is his business._

Spock: "Spare me your philosophical metaphors, doctor."

_(((Translation: STFU and listen.)))_

Spock then takes a moment to sigh before continuing.

_(((Spock, the super rational Vulcan, is clearly bothered.)))_

Spock: "The captain is acting strangely.

_(((We don't even trade flirty glances anymore, it's WEIRD.)))_

Spock: "I'm asking if you've noticed."

McCoy: "Negative. Do you know this is the first time in a week that I've had time for a drop of the drew? Would you care for a drink, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "My father's race was spared the dubious benefits of alcohol."

McCoy: "Oh. Now I know why they were conquered."

_(((Heehee. McCoy.)))_

McCoy: "What are you so worried about anyway? I find Jim generally knows what he's doing."

_(((Why, that's a fantastic point, McCoy. Why IS Spock so worried? Kirk is the captain, and a VERY good one at that. Kirk is perfectly capable of handling himself. So why, Spock? Why is your snoot all up in Kirk's business? Even friends know when to back off, like McCoy. Do tell, Spock, I'm on the edge of my seat.)))_

Spock: "It was illogical for him to bring those players aboard."

_(((Gee, you didn't dodge McCoy's question at all, Spock. Not. At. All.)))_

McCoy: "Illogical? Did you get a look at that little Juliet? That's a pretty exciting creature! Of course your personal chemistry would prevent you from seeing that."

_(((O RLY? And just what personal chemistry are you talking about, McCoy? Vulcans can be affected by the beauty of women if they WANT to be (thanks to Harry Mudd for that bit of info) and Vulcans get married all the time so WHAT kind of PERSONAL CHEMISTRY are you REFERRING to, EH?)))_

McCoy: "Did it ever occur to you that he simply might like the girl?"

Spock: "It occurred. I dismissed it."

McCoy: "You would."

_(((HOLD THE PHONE, THE HORSES, THE FORT, AND ANY OTHER TIRED EXPRESSION YOU CAN THINK OF. _

_First of all, why the hell has Spock dismissed the theory that "playboy" Captain Kirk isn't interested in a gorgeous blonde woman, hm? It's like Spock thought, "Well let's see, Lenore is gorgeous, sexy, vital, and clearly prone for Kirk…nah, he's not interested."_

_WHO THE FUCK THINKS LIKE THAT?!?!_

_Apparently Spock does, and Spock is the King of Thinking. He's Mr. Logical, remember? And, if you ask him, the thought of Kirk being honestly attracted to a hot, available woman is just illogical. Ill. Ogical. I WONDER why he would THINK THAT. _

_And then McCoy says "You would." _

_YOU. WOULD. _

_Like, "Yeah, you WOULD dismiss the notion of Kirk being genuinely interested in someone." There's no other even remotely viable interpretation for that line!_

_Now, since we all know the point of this entire analyzation project, we also all know that another version of the subtext of McCoy's line could be "Yeah, you would dismiss the notion of Kirk being genuinely interested in someone _other than you_."_

_Unfortunately, in this very specific case, going that far is just speculation. But hey, considering everything else that's happened in the series so far it's not like its some CrAzY, wild speculation that has no foothold._

_Quite the opposite. XD )))_

Spock: "Did you know that he suddenly transferred Lt. Riley to engineering?"

McCoy: "There are a lot of things that go on around here that I don't know, Mr. Spock."

_(((………….._

……………………_.._

…………………………………………

…………………………………

…………_.seriously…did nobody catch that?_

_Look at McCoy's face when he says that line. 'I don't know' my ASS. My ENTIRE ASS. I'm not buying this whole "Well I'm just a simple country doctor and plenty of things just fly by me and oh I do declare I feel a breeze comin' on oh my" BULLSHIT line that he has. _

_The subtext, and it's clear as a freaking bell, is that he knows DAMN well what's going on, but not about what Kirk's up to. Noooo no, he knows about the OTHER THINGS going on in this ship. Things like Kirk and Spock's undeniable flirting and closeness. I mean, shit, McCoy was right there, front and center for the 12 second long love fest in _Miri_, and he's said and done other things that indicate he's not as oblivious as the rest of the crew (and for us, the WORLD) seems to be._

_Yeah, that's right. McCoy isn't stupid. He knows what's up, he knows why Spock just won't let the captain go about his business, and he had the BALLS to dangle it right in front of him, and on an internationally famed tv show, no less!_

_Now, if homophobia didn't exist, here's how it might have gone: "There are a lot of things that go on around here that I don't know, Mr. Spock. For example, I don't know about how close you and the captain are, and I certainly don't know anything about the intimacy and flirting that has gone on, sometimes right on the bridge of this ship. And as for the reason why not knowing what Kirk is up to for five seconds drives you up the wall, well I certainly don't know THAT, either."_

_My hat's off to DeForest Kelly for this. I love him to pieces anyway, but this expertly communicated line deserves some extra special praise. ::Standing ovation:: _

_And no, I'm not reading too far into things. It's an actor's job to make these kinds of choices. Not every line a character says is the truth, often times the truth of the line is in the subtext. The glorious, glorious subtext. That's one of the challenges facing actors, determining which lines are truth, which ones aren't, and which ones are true but also have something going on underneath. Tricky stuff.)))_

McCoy: "Now he's the captain, he can transfer people as he pleases. You can look that up in a hundred volumes of space regulation somewhere, alright?"

_(((Exactly. He's the CAPTAIN, it's nobody's business, not even the first officer's (unless it's something incredibly critical, which McCoy doesn't know). Well, a _regular_ first officer that is.)))_

_(((Whew…wow…I was not expecting this scene to be so involved. It doesn't even have Kirk and Spock in the same room, for chrissake.)))_

Spock still isn't satisfied, and continues to brood.

Cut to Kirk and Lenore taking a little walk about the observation deck. They have a mushy mushy scene, blah blah, Kirk is smiling so much that he HAS to be cramping by now…oh…but then this happens.

Lenore: "Tell me about the women in your life, captain."

Kirk: "I'd rather talk about you. You must have wanted to perform since the first time you saw your father act. When was that?"

_(((What a masterful, if not extremely OBVIOUS deflection there, Kirk._

_Besides that, notice how he brings up her father *again.* It's still clear that his ulterior motive for this whole thing is very much present and accounted for. He needs more information on Kiridian's timeline, and more information in general, before he can make such a serious accusation.)))_

Lenore: "In the beginning."

Kirk: "Tell me about it."

Lenore: "That's not fair, you haven't answered my question…about the women."

Kirk: "What would you like to know?"

Lenore: "Has the machine changed them? Made them just people instead of women?"

_(((Machine? What machine? I guess she means the Enterprise…or something. I'm not really sure. She's a little smart, though, not letting him get away with dodging the 'women' question.)))_

He goes on to give some sappy 'the world can change but women are still awesome' line, and then they give each other proper tonsil check ups.

Cut to Spock on the bridge, wringing his hands with thought and suspicion. He turns on the library computer.

Spock: "Full personal dossiers on the following names: Dr. Thomas Layton, Anton Kiridian, Lt. Kevin Riley…and Captain James T. Kirk."

_(((With the way Spock pauses and sighs before saying Kirk's name that he's really. freaking. concerned. Yup, Mr. I-Have-Control-Over-My-Emotions is racked with worry.)))_

Spock has the computer cross reference all of the dossiers.

Cut to Spock and McCoy. Spock knows what's going on now! Yay!

Aaaaaaaand, time for Cliff's Notes. Let's see…Tarsass IV's food supply was largely wiped out leaving like 8,000 people and no food…Kodos was the ruler so he was like 'hey some of you people gotta die kthbai'…the cavalry showed up of course but they were a smidge late so the executions had already happened so that kinds sucks…there was never a fully positive identification of Kodos' 'body'…seven out of nine of Kodos' eye witnesses are dead, the two left are Kirk and Riley…wherever a witness died, the theater company was close by so you know…that says something…

Cut to poor Riley all alone in engineering.

_(((Ahhh, so that's why Kirk had him reassigned. He wanted Riley deep in the bowels of the ship where it's hard to get to. Good ol' Kirk, trying to keep his random crewman safe.)))_

He contacts one of the lounges and Uhura plays him a song. Fun (not really). At the end of the song Riley drinks his milk that's with his lunch but it was two percent and he's used to skim so he collapses….or it was poisoned…whichever.

Cut to Riley almost dead in sick bay, where Spock states that if Riley dies, Kirk is next.

Back from commercial, where McCoy fills Spock in on what he's found out so far, which is a bunch of tetrolubisol in Riley's system. Spock demands that they go give the report to Kirk like NOW.

Cut to Spock and McCoy entering Kirk's quarters.

McCoy: "My report on Riley."

Kirk: "What do you make of it?"

McCoy: "He's got a good chance."

Spock: "And we predict the same for you, captain."

Kirk gets the less than subtle clue that something's on Spock's mind.

Kirk: "…alright, Mr. Spock. Let's have it."

Spock: "Lt. Riley was a witness. So were you."

_(((The cat's out of bag now. Well, at least half of it. The butt and tail have yet to reveal itself._

…_I'm pretty sure that made sense…)))_

Kirk lets out a sigh.

Kirk: "Alright."

_(((The way he says it makes me want to think that he was trying to get the conversation to end there. When you look at the scene as a whole it becomes clear that Kirk was trying to make it seem like his being a witness to Kodos was the only revelation to be had in an attempt to keep Spock and McCoy in the dark.)))_

Spock: "Someone tried to kill him."

McCoy: "Could've been an accident."

Spock: "You should be told the difference between empiricism and stubbornness, doctor."

_(((SPOCK BURN.)))_

Spock: "I checked with the library computer, just as you did. I got the same information."

_(((NOW Kirk's angry. Now he knows that Spock knows _everything_, and that knowledge is dangerous.)))_

Kirk: "Aren't you getting a little out of line, Mr. Spock? My personal business-"

Spock: "Is _my_ personal business when it might interfere with the smooth operation of this ship."

Kirk: "You think that happened?"

Spock: "It could happen."

_(((Oh my, are they…_fighting_? Wow._

_Point of interest: Spock admits the something interfering with the ship's smooth sailing COULD happen, but HASN'T yet, which means (by his own standards) it's still not technically his business. So he basically just offered up and shot down his own excuse as to why he's so bleedin' interested in Kirk's life._

_Something tells me that this conversation would have gone a bit differently if McCoy wasn't there…but whateva…)))_

Kirk: "I don't like anyone meddling in my private affairs, not even my second in command!"

_(((OUCH.)))_

McCoy: "Jim, Spock's simply trying to-"

Kirk: "I know what he's trying to do and I don't like it!"

McCoy: "It's his job! You know it."

_(((Whoa, Kirk. Down boy! BREATHE. Inhale, exhale. _

_I can't really blame Kirk, though. If he's right about Kiridian being Kodos, that's a huuuuge deal. Kodos was a mass murdering fuck head, remember? It's not gonna be that easy or safe to go up and be all "I know what you did last summer." _

_He never wanted Spock, McCoy, or anyone to find out because them simply knowing is dangerous. Now they BOTH know, and it's sent Kirk over the edge (momentarily.) )))_

Kirk calms down a bit, and opens up to both of them about his uncertainty, and the possibility that he could be acting out of a sense of revenge instead of justice.

Kirk: "I've done things I've never done before. I placed my command in jeopardy."

_(((Those sentences are two separate thoughts. The topic is the same, but they're still separate. That is to say, he's done things he's never done before AND placed his command in jeopardy…as opposed to he's done things he's never done before LIKE place his command in jeopardy._

_Why did I point this out? Because with the way he says it we're meant to guess about the things he's never done before…like biting Spock's head off and keeping secrets from him._

_Just a thought.)))_

Spock is pretty damn certain that Kiridian is Kodos after looking at all of the facts, but Kirk knows that there's still not 100% certainty.

Kirk: "Logic is not enough…I've got to feel my way."

_(((WABAM! The show sends the message, once again, that logic only gets you so far. That's the point of the whole episode, actually, and a huge point of the series itself.)))_

Cut to later. McCoy is gone, and now it's just Spock and Kirk debating the issue. It doesn't have time to get interesting, however, 'cause the boys hear a phaser on overload somewhere in Kirk's quarters.

_(((And now, my favorite part of this episode.)))_

Kirk and Spock start frantically searching for the phaser before it has a chance to explode and spray death everywhere.

Kirk: "You get out of here."

Spock: "You can't stay!"

Kirk pushes Spock towards the door.

Kirk: "Go on! Block off this section. Hurry! I'll find it!"

_(((……TEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEEEEE…. )))_

Spock leaves and gets to work evacuating people. Kirk finds the phaser, runs into the hallway, and throws it down the garbage chute where we hear it explode in the bowels of the ship and sends both Kirk and Spock flying into the opposite wall.

_(((I'm gonna go ahead and assume that the garbage section of the ship is uber protected by some fantastically awesome type of metal.)))_

Well now Kirk has had it. Certain or not, he goes to Kiridian's room and confronts him. It's a nice, long, tense, dramatic scene that manages to stay ambiguous about who Kiridian really is but presents facts that make you want to be certain that he's Kodos.

_(((It's quite well done, actually. As much as you want to believe he's Kodos, there's just a smidge of doubt that keeps you guessing. It's like the 60s sci-fi version of the play Doubt. Can we ever REALLY be certain of anything? How much do facts really account for? Is it ever safe to condemn a man?_

_Oh, and Kirk looks hot as all fuck.)))_

Lenore enters once things have died down.

Lenore (to Kirk): "You talked of using tools. I was a tool, wasn't I? A tool to use against my father."

Kirk: "In the beginning, perhaps. But later…I wanted it to be more than that."

_(((Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…what? When did we ever get that impression? In every scene we've seen with these two, we've been led to believe that Kirk was seducing Lenore to get information about her father. This makes sense, Kirk does it all the time. Now we're supposed to believe that he eventually developed real feelings for her? _

_And look at the way he says it, and the way he deals with her in the rest of the brief scene. There's no softness anymore, not that she's found out his game. _

_I'm certainly not buying it, and not because it would threaten Kirk/Spock, because it wouldn't. I don't buy it because it's not a convincing theory…at ALL. _

_Something else that's interesting is that Spock says the SAME thing to that one Romulan chick in a later season, but that's for another episode._

_So why did Kirk say it, then? Soften the blow? Save his own ass? That's the only real reason I can come up with, because he sure didn't genuinely like her. The evidence just doesn't add up.)))_

McCoy's in sick bay, making a log about Kodos that Riley overhears. Whups!

Next thing you know Lenore is introducing the play to an audience.

Then McCoy is getting ready to leave for the show, sees that Riley is gone, and contacts Kirk. Kirk scampers off to the theater.

Now backstage, Kirk sneaks around in search of Riley while Kiridian is on stage. He finds the kid, who's brandishing a phaser and ready to kill. Kirk talks the young lieutenant down and takes the weapon. Riley sulks off to sick bay.

Kiridian gets backstage and talks with Lenore. He's a bit disturbed.

Lenore: "What is it? What's wrong?"

Kiridian: "There's a voice out of the past, haunting me, torturing me!"

_(((Uh, sir, if you could keep it down there's a performance going on and you're like three feet away from the actors on stage. Kthx.)))_

Kiridian: "There's another part I once played, I…long ago, I never told you about it. And now that same curtain rises again, the time has come!"

_(((PLEASE sir, I don't care if you're the director, the audience can HEAR YOU.)))_

Lenore: "No, father, the time will never come. Tonight, after my performance, the last tool who can harm you will be gone."

_(((DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!!!!)))_

So as it turns out the CRAZY apple doesn't fall far from the CRAZY tree, 'cause Lenore is CRAZY. As she will now demonstrate.

Kiridian/Kodos is a tad pissed that his daughter's killed like seven people. Lenore talks about how it's cool, it's all good, it's only seven people down and two to go, no biggie, it's like a Thursday for me, really.

Kirk is listening to all of this, and he is none to happy.

Lenore is looking around, smiling her psycho smile and talking about how it's alll gooood, when she sees Kirk. This doesn't so much alarm her as it causes her to start quoting Shakespeare.

Kirk demands that they both come with him, but Lenore wants her father to finish the performance. When Kirk is like "uhhhhhhh…NO?" Lenore snatches a phaser and runs out on stage…for some reason.

We then get a nice close up of her cRaZy eyes and flared nostrils as she babbles on like the psycho she is.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

And apparently being loco impedes your reaction time, 'cause when she goes to shoot Kirk but her father shuffles into the line of fire on purpose she fires anyway and he falls down dead. She falls to his side, now fully off her rocker.

Lenore: "Father! Father!"

_(((And cut! Okay, that was beautiful, let's move on.)))_

Lenore: "O proud death, what feast is told in thine eternal cell that thou such a prince as a shot so bloodily has been struck."

_(((….aaaaaaaaand cut!)))_

Lenore: "The curtain! The curtain rises…it rises…'Tis no time to sleep!"

_(((…..cut?)))_

Lenore: "The play…the play!"

_(((Um…PLEASE cut?)))_

Lenore: "The play's the thing…when it will catch the conscience of the king."

_(((Oh for the love of…STOP. ACTING.)))_

Kirk picks her up off the ground and it transitions to the next scene.

_(((THANK YOU. Jesus.)))_

Kirk is sitting in his chair on the bridge. Spock is a step in front of him and off to his left. McCoy enters and tells Kirk that Lenore will be fine, she doesn't even remember anything, and she even thinks her father is still alive and acting.

_(((So she's not just a crazy bitch, she's a DELUSIONAL crazy bitch. Good to know.)))_

_(((Okay…what happens next is by far the most challenging thing I've had to analyze. Stay with me on this.)))_

McCoy: "You really cared for her, didn't you?"

Kirk doesn't have time to respond (not that it looked like he was going to anyway).

Spock: "Ready to leave Venecea orbit, captain."

Kirk: "Stand by Mr. Leslie. All channels cleared, Uhura?"

Uhura: "All channels clear, sir."

Kirk: "Whenever you're ready, Mr. Leslie."

Leslie: "Leaving orbit, sir."

McCoy grins a little.

McCoy: "You're not gonna answer my question, are you?"

Kirk keeps his stare straight ahead.

Kirk: "Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Leslie."

Kirk looks at McCoy.

McCoy: "That's an answer."

McCoy leaves. Kirk's eyes drift to the front of the ship Kirk keeps his eyes forward for a moment, then his head drops down.

_(((Okay, let's look at this. I don't even think Kirk was thinking about Lenore at all right up until he looks at McCoy and he takes that as an answer. Kirk looks totally preoccupied with _something_, like he doesn't even really hear McCoy's question. He's totally wrapped up in…well, something. Then he looks at McCoy, which seems to satisfy McCoy 'cause he walks off, then we see Kirk go back to what he was originally thinking about._

_The question is: What the fuck was he thinking about?_

_It certainly wasn't Lenore, or else he would have snapped out of his trance the moment she was mentioned and would've been way more concerned about hearing how she's doing. No…it was something else. But what?_

_I could list a bunch of reasons why this moment could be perceived as a moment he's thinking about Spock, but it doesn't entirely fit. He could be thinking about Kodos, about how his uncertainty caused so many problems…who knows?_

_I've been going back and forth on this for like twenty minutes now, I've watched the clip god knows how many times, and I've yet to come up with an explanation that fits. _

_One of the few things I know for sure is that Kirk's little grin he has when it cuts back to him after McCoy walks off is not a 'yeah, I liked her, hehe' grin. It's a grin in response to McCoy's grin. Like McCoy basically said, "Alright then, I'm off" and Kirk replied, "Okay, see ya around."_

_If anyone has any theories, please send them my way. This is truly baffling…_

_EDIT as of 7/1/09 - ComplexNumber and stellaatheart have offered up some interesting theories. Maybe Kirk didn't want to say anything in front of Spock, who was RIGHT THERE at the time, and McCoy picked up on that, which would suggest that he did have some real feelings for Lenore there for a while, but he wants to keep it hush hush in front of a certain Vulcan. THis would explain why Kirk hangs his head at the last second. Could he feel GUILTY for liking her, even though nothing official has happened with Spock yet? Given the moment, it sounds very reasonable to me. Look at where Spock is, he's standing like two feet away when, normally, he's either at his console or right next to Kirk's chair. His presence is obviously an important factor to the moment....interesting...)))_

Thus endeth The Conscience of the King.

* * *

**Score time! Joy!**

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 3 (And yes, he was driven by an ulterior motive when they kissed)


	13. 1x13 Galileo Seven

**Author's Note: **I *love* this episode. Basically from here to THE episode (yeah, you know which I'm talking about) is a nice long stretch of particular goodness, be it slashy or charactery or 60s..y. I = Excited.

Frangipanflowers nearly knocked me out of my chair with following review/comment: "[Chess] as well as being a strategic game, if you go back in history, chess was a very significant part of the courtship process (approx tudor period, I'm not sure about when it started) it was supposed to be very intimate because it allowed free speech across the chessboard, and is frequently used in drama as a metaphor for sexual activity. Shakespeare uses it a lot, one example being in *the tempest* between lovers Ferdinand and Miranda."

HOT SHIT that's exciting to hear. Like really…my jaw is on the floor. Considering all of the classical and Shakespearean references throughout TOS and the movies, I think it's safe to say that Roddenberry could have most definitely done this on purpose. I mean he consciously made Kirk/Spock similar to Alexander/Hephaestion, so it's only LOGICAL. And think of the first thing we see in the ENTIRE show, Kirk and Spock playing chess! A **flirty** game of chess, no less! I think I just might faint. ::Bows to frangipanflowers::

This episode is just all around awesome. A classic boy-loses-boy story. It also answers the question: Why isn't Spock a captain?

* * *

**Season One, Episode Thirteen: Galileo Seven**

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Star Date 2821.5: En route to Maccas III with a cargo of medical supplies. Our course leads us past Murasaki 312, a quasar-like formation. Vague, undefined, priceless opportunity for scientific investigation. On board is galactic high commissioner Ferris, overseeing the delivery of the medicine to Maccas III."

Ferris, in his douchey suit with a douchey walk, enters the douchey bridge.

_(((Wait…)))_

Kirk tells the shuttlecraft Galileo (Spock) to standby for departure. Ferris expresses his disapproval for taking a scientific detour when the medical supplies need to get to Maccas III in three days. Kirk reminds him ever-so-dutifully that his JOB is to investigate quasars and they have THREE DAYS to get to Moccos with the rendezvous not even scheduled for another two days after that. So CHILL, bitch.

Kirk gives the order to launch the Galileo shuttlecraft, and off they go. Spock, Mcoy, Scotty, Token Black Guy, Token Female, and a couple of random crewman jet off for the quasar.

Shit goes south FAST. The Galileo is hit with radiation that cuts off their communications and knocks them off course and *poof* we have an episode concept.

Kirk: "Finding a needle in a haystack would be child's play."

_(((We can see that he's clearly concerned, and Ferris is clearly a douche.)))_

The quasar has rendered all of the Enterprise's searching equipment about as useful as a man in room full of lesbians.

Ferris: "I was opposed to this from the very beginning. Our flight to Maccas III is of the very highest priority."

Kirk: "I'm aware of that, commissioner. At the same time, I have scientific duties I must perform and investigating the Murasaki effect is one of them."

_(((Translation: I'm DOING my JOB. FUCK. OFF.)))_

Ferris: "Yes, but you've lost your crew!"

_(((Uh oh…oh boy…Ferris doesn't look like he knows it, but he just got REALLY personal, REALLY fast. Look at Kirk's reaction, he pauses before taking a sip of coffee or space drink or whatever the crap it is. That blow clearly hit close to home.)))_

Kirk: "We have two days to find them."

Ferris: "Two days. In all that?! Two days!"

Kirk: "What would you have me do, turn around and leave them there?!"

_(((Kirk's first official snap at Ferris. Fucker deserved it. I've got to give it up for Shatner here, he does a great job of letting the aggravation and concern build until he finally raises his voice at Ferris. Delightful to watch.)))_

Ferris: "You shouldn't have sent them out in the first place!"

Uhura interrupts then, telling Kirk that there's a planet at the center of the quasar that's capable of sustaining human life and it's at the center of the quasar itself.

Cut to the Galileo, crash landed on a planet with the crew still recovering from the harsh landing. McCoy quickly checks with everyone to make sure they're alright.

Token Black Guy: "Now that's what I call a ride!"

_(((::squints::…I'm not gonna like you, am I?)))_

Token Black Guy rambles off some technobabble that justifies the fact that they must have been shot to the center of the quasar. McCoy takes a reading of the outside to see if it's breathable then goes on about the planet itself.

McCoy: "Traces of Faron, Neon, Krypton."

_(((What's THIS!?!?! A Superman reference?! AWESOME.)))_

Spock orders Scotty to assess the ship's damage, and the two random crewman to arm themselves and go off to explore the surrounding area.

We jump back to the Enterprise, where stuff is pretty much still sucking. Even the transporter is fucked up. Kirk orders that the Columbus shuttlecraft be prepared for departure to search the planet.

_(((You're sending MORE people into the Quasar of Doom? Wow, you must be really desperate. It's cute.)))_

Ferris: "Well, captain."

Kirk: "We have until 2823.8 to continue the search, commissioner."

Ferris: "You don't _really_ think you'll have any luck, do you?"

Kirk then gives Ferries a fantastic "YOU ARE NOT HELPING" look.

Kirk: "Look, these people are my friends and my shipmates. I intend to continue this ship's search for them until the last possible moment."

_(((Translation: Look, Debbie Downer, I don't care if the odds are a billion to one, I'm NOT abandoning my CREW. Now DIE.)))_

Ferris: "Very well, captain. But not one second beyond that moment. Is that clear? If it isn't, I suggest you look at book 19, section 433, paragraph-"

Kirk: "I'm familiar with the regulations, commissioner, I know all about your authority."

_(((Shatner, thy name is Greatness. Watch him during the 'Very well captain' bit. We have never seen Kirk want to hit somebody more as of yet. His inner life is SO frustrated, we can really feel his aggravation. Love it.)))_

And back to the Galileo, where Spock and McCoy are outside the ship and discuss the point to this whole episode.

McCoy: "Well I can't say much for the circumstances, but at least it's your big chance."

Spock: "My big chance? For what, doctor?"

McCoy: "Command. Oh I know you, Mr. Spock. You've never voiced it but you've always thought that logic was the best basis on which to build command. Am I right?"

Spock: "I am a logical man, doctor."

McCoy: "It'll take more than logic to get us out of this."

Spock: "Perhaps, doctor, but I know of no better way to begin. I realize that command does have its fascinations, even under circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command, nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever logically needs to be done. Excuse me."

_(((Hm…looks like Spock is pretty satisfied with his role as second in command. Still, McCoy says it all: We will finally get a chance to see Spock with all of the responsibility on HIS shoulders, not Kirk's.)))_

Spock checks in with Scotty, who delivers the joyful news that they've lost a shit ton of fuel, which means they have no hope of reaching escape velocity, and they'll never reach orbit unless they dropped five hundred pounds of weight.

Spock arrives at the conclusion that three people will have to stay behind in order for the ship to stand a chance. Token Black Guy doesn't like this idea much, but Spock points out that it's the logical way and he will decide who will stay after thinking about it, you know, logically.

Spock then orders for the crew to examine the hull one more time to make sure that no minor damage was missed and he leaves the ship.

Token Black Guy: "If any minor damage was overlooked it was when they put his head together."

_(((Uh…fuck you?)))_

_(((Behold, the worst line of the episode approaches!)))_

McCoy: "Not his head, Mr. Boma, his heart…his heart…)))

_(((It's okay, the pain will pass in a second.)))_

Cut to the two random crewman investigating the planet. They hear some weird sounds.

_(((Maybe it's the fog machine, that thing seems to be working _awfully_ hard right now.)))_

The crewmen try to escape the sound, but it's too late. A HUGE, furry…uh, THING, hurls a HUGE spear and nails one of the crewman right in the chest. He falls to his death.

_(((Costume designer #1: "Well, Bob, the show spent all its money for this episode on fancy graphics and words like 'quasar' and we still need something for the freakishly huge natives to wear."_

_Costume designer #2: "I've got a couple of rolls of shag carpet in my garage. The wife and I were gonna have it put in the living room but we decided that it was wayyyy too fake looking."_

_Costume designer #1: "Done.")))_

Spock and crew hear the scream and Spock runs off with Token Black Guy to save the day. They arrive to find the dead crewman and the surviving crewman. Spock looks at the spear and says it looks kind of like the spears from old world Earth, only not as efficient.

Token Black Guy: "Not very efficient? Is that what you have to say?

Spock: "Am I in error, Mr. Boma?"

Token Black Guy: "You, err? Impossible."

_(((Uh…dude…don't make me hurt you.)))_

Spock: "Then what, Mr. Boma?"

Token Black Guy: "There's a man lying there dead, and you talk about stolen spears. What about Latimer [the dead guy]?"

Spock: "My concern for the dead will not bring him to life, Mr. Boma."

_(((Well, Spock IS right. Concern does not have magical life-giving properties so it's pretty useless in this situation. Does this mean he doesn't feel for the dead guy at ALL? Of course not. We know Spock is half human, we know he has his emotional side, so we know that he's sad somewhere in there, he just has the control not to show it. Besides, it was a random crewman that he probably didn't know very well at all. If Spock is gonna show emotion someone WAY more important would have to die or be believed to be dead…::cough::)))_

Random crewman: "Mr. Spock, in the interest of _efficiency_ I don't think we should leave his body here."

Spock: "Bringing him back to the ship should not interfere with our repair efforts. If you need assistance I'll-"

Random crewman: "_WE'LL_ do it."

_(((Hey hey HEY, what's with all the Spock hating? He's half Vulcan, you know! He prides himself on the whole LOGIC thing. Cut the dude some slack, GAWD._

…_grumble grumble…if Kirk were here…grumble grumble…)))_

Cut to the Enterprise.

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Star Date 2822.3: We continue to search, but I find it more difficult each moment to ward off a sense of utter futility…and…great loss."

_(AwwwwWWWWwwww, it's okay, Kirk. I'm sure you'll have Spock back in no time. ::Huggles::_

_Now, of course, Kirk is worried about Scotty and McCoy too and that's awesomely adorable…but I fancy the speculation that the fact Spock could be lost forever hits a little harder than the others…I obviously have no evidence of that and I'm not trying to make a substantial argument about it or anything…I just like the thought. =D )))_

On the Enterprise, Kirk is still doing all he can to find Galileo, and Ferris is still being a douchebag.

Back at the Galileo, they're trying to lighten the ship as much as possible.

McCoy: "I can't believe you're serious about leaving someone behind. Now what if whatever it is out there that we've-"

Spock: "It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six, doctor."

_(((::cough:: Wrath of Khan ::cough:: )))_

McCoy: "I'm not talking about Rationality."

Spock: "You might be wise to start."

_(((OOOOOoHHHHHH, Spock burn! I dare say the Vulcan is getting a little tired of all the anti-logic talk going on, he's starting to get a touch snarky.)))_

Token Black Guy pops in to say that all is ready for the funeral, but Spock refuses to take time to say a few words for the dead crewmember because Scotty needs his help. McCoy and the Token Black Guy are offended, Black Guy more so.

Transition to later and Scotty informs Spock that they just lost all fuel 'cause one of the lines gave out.

Spock: "Well, that would seem to solve the problem of who to leave behind."

_(((Was that…was that a bit of utterly morbid humor, Spock? I love you.)))_

McCoy calls Spock outside then, where the weird sounds have started up again. Token Black Guy suggests that, since the things could very well be tribal, they should attack them hard to intimidate them.

_(((We beat them to pulp, they no mess with big men. UNGH! ::beats chest::)))_

Spock: "I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earth men have for life."

_(((Aha, the first sign of Spock's great respect for other life forms. He doesn't like to take life when it's not absolutely necessary, so an option like this has to be carefully considered.)))_

Spock polls his crew, and they all agree that attacking is the LOGICAL thing to do.

Spock: "Seems logical to me, also, but to take life indiscriminately…"

Random crewman: "The majority…"

Spock: "I'm NOT interested in the opinion of the majority, Mr. Gitano. Components must be weighed, our dangers to ourselves as well as our duties to other life forms, friendly or not."

_(((YEAH, you go Spock! Bite the guy's head off! Who does he think he is, anyway? You're a series regular, for chrissake!)))_

Spock: "There's a third course…"

Random crewman: "That could get us killed."

Spock: "I think not!"

_(((Whoa, Spock is really fed up with everyone's bullshit. Well it's no wonder, his crew has given him nothing but bullshit from the very beginning.)))_

Spock takes Token Black Guy and the random crewman to go frighten the tribe, but not after having to yell at the random crewman again.

They go walking along until one of the things throws a spear at them and they fire in hopes of frightening it.

_(((And when I say "throws" I mean "lobs with a sense of exhaustion." Those prop spears must have been really heavy, 'cause whoever was throwing them on screen was clearly outmatched and its hi-larious.)))_

Random crewman: "I say we hit them dead on."

Spock: "Yes I know but fortunately I'm giving the orders."

_(((BEST. SPOCK BURN. EVER._

_It's also my favorite line of the episode. The snarkiness is just off the charts at this point. Spock ain't gonna take no more SHIT from you peons, y'hear?!)))_

They fire indirectly at the tribe to frighten them off, then Spock gives another order.

Spock: "Mr. Boma, you'll return with me to the Galileo. Mr. Gitano, you will remain on guard here, keeping contact with the ship."

_(((Translation: Here, have some DEATH.)))_

Token Black Guy even puts his hand on the random crewman's soldier, as if to say, "Well you DID ask for it…sorry, dude."

Spock gets back to Galileo to hear that Scotty's gotten an idea to adapt the phasers' energy to develop an alternate fuel source. Yay for fuel, boo for lack of weapons. Spock then decides to bring the party down with talk of 'hey if we can't stay in orbit past the time the Enterprise has to leave to go deliver the supplies we are like SO dead.'

Cut back to the Enterprise. The transporters are working. Yay!

Cut back to the planet. One of the monkey tribe things attacks Gitano. Yay!

_(((It's quite possibly the funniest scene in the whole episode. The tribe thing is all waddling towards the crewman with his hands in the air like "OoooooOOoOOooOoo" and the guy is all like "AHHHhhhHHhHHhhh" but instead of running the crewman just stands there and then he's like "DeathhhhHHHhhh."_

_YAY. 60s.)))_

Back from commercial to see Spock, Token Black Guy, and McCoy standing over an enormous footprint where the random crewman is supposed to be. Spock scampers off in search of the random crewman, and the other two head back to the ship.

After walking for a bit, Spock finds the random crewman sunbathing on a rock- oh no wait he's dead.

Spock carries him back to the ship, and en route the tribal beasties decide to casually lob some more spears at him 'cause after all he is THERE and everything.

_(((Watch for the last spear that's thrown before Spock gets into the ship. It's the laziest throw I've ever seen. Greatness.)))_

Once aboard, Spock hands off the random crewman and has a seat. There's a solid few seconds where everyone is dead quiet and everyone knows that everyone else is thinking about how Spock's plan failed. Awwwkwarrrrd.

McCoy: "They didn't stay frightened for long, did they?"

Spock: "A most illogical reaction. When we demonstrated our superior weapons they should have fled."

McCoy: "You mean they should have respected us?"

Spock: "Of course."

_(((This is the first time Spock sounds a bit naïve. His tone is purely innocent. 1+1 always equals 2, and right now it's like Spock is hearing that 1+1 = 45.)))_

McCoy: "Mr. Spock, respect is a rational process. Did it ever occur to you they might react emotionally? With anger?"

Spock: "Doctor, I'm not responsible for their unpredictability."

McCoy: "They were perfectly predictable to anyone with feeling. You might as well admit it, Mr. Spock. Your precious logic brought them down on us."

_(((Poor Spock, he was only doing what he thought was best! Still, his purely logical approach did keep him from making the right decision. Whether or not he sees that, however, is not directly expressed.)))_

The tribe starts attacking the ship directly. Shit is starting to hit the fan but HARD.

Token Black Guy: "Alright, Spock, you have all the answers, what now?!"

Spock: "Mr. Boma, your tone is increasingly hostile."

Token Black Guy: "My tone isn't the only thing that's hostile, Mr. Spock!"

_(((Okay…so this time the Token has a genuine reason to get a little nasty. After all, it IS Spock's fault that they're in this mess. But still…he's mouthing off to his superior AGAIN.)))_

Spock: "Strange…step by step I have made the correct and logical decisions, and yet two men have died."

Meanwhile, outside, the tribal things are beating the ship with rocks.

McCoy: "A little less analysis and a more action. That's what we need, Mr. Spock!"

_(((Why do I suddenly feel like listening to Elvis?)))_

Cut to the Enterprise. Instruments are slowly beginning to operate again but it's still very much a 'look and hope' game. Ferris pops into the bridge to be a DICK.

Ferris: "You have two hours and forty three minutes, captain."

Kirk: "I'm perfectly aware of how much time I have left."

Ferris: "I am delighted, however I shall continue to remind you-"

Kirk: "You do that."

_(((HA! That's right Kirk, you get sassy!)))_

Uhura gives a less-than-hopeful report on the status of, well, everything.

Ferris: "What do you intend to do?"

Kirk: "Do? I intend to continue the search. Foot by foot inch by inch by _candlelight _if necessary, until the last possible moment."

_(((::Waves pom poms:: WOOO!!! You TELL that commissioner who's fiercely loyal to his crew!! ::Dances:: )))_

Kirk: "If you keep your _nose_ off my bridge, I'd be thankful."

_(((Oh yeah, oh yeah, go for blood, GO FOR BLOOD!!)))_

Ferris: "I'm sure the authorities will be pleased by your diligence, captain."

Kirk shoots Ferris the greatest GET BENT expression I've ever seen.

Ferris: "I'm not sure they'll appreciate the way you address a high commissioner."

Kirk: "_I'm_ in command _here_, Mr. Ferris."

_(((AHHHHFSKDDGFKDG GO KIRK, GO!!!! ::falls over::)))_

Ferris: "You are, captain, for another two hours and forty two minutes."

Ferris storms out of the bridge.

_(((Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! Both Kirk and Spock get a lot of shit from people in this episode, and they both get to the point where they are just motherfucking TIRED of it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is some damn good television.)))_

Back at the Galileo, still being attacked, Spock gets the idea to electrocute the walls of the ship to hurt the beasties outside while the crew stays away from anything that conducts electricity on the inside. They do it, it works, and Scotty gets back to giving the ship some power.

Spock (to Token Black Guy): "Please check the aft compartment, see if there's anything else you can unload to lighten the ship."

Token Black Guy: "Mr. Gitano's body is back there."

Spock: "It will, of course, have to be left behind."

Token Black Guy: "Not without a burial."

_(((Is he INSANE?!)))_

Spock: "I wouldn't recommend it."

_(((To put it fucking MILDLY.)))_

Spock: "The creatures won't be far away."

Token Black Guy: "Not without a burial, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "It would expose members of this crew to unnecessary peril."

Token Black Guy: "I'll take that chance. You see, Mr. Spock, I would insist upon a decent burial even if _you're_ body was back there."

_(((WHOA, meaningless one episode crewman, there is a LINE and you, sir, CROSSED IT. If Kirk was here he would knock your head off!!! You are SOOOOO lucky that Spock strives to base himself in LOGIC and not ASS KICKING.)))_

McCoy and Scotty make their respective stands for Spock (yay!) and Spock gives the go ahead for the funeral, however STUPID it may be.

Back on the Enterprise, a landing party is beamed back aboard but they were attacked, complete with casualties. Kirk talks to one of the survivors, who says that the monsters were huge and everywhere…and that if the Galileo was down there…..well…the trailing off indicates…..that it wouldn't…be…..you know…fantastic…..

And what happens after Kirk hears this grim news that makes the situation even MORE desperate? Why, Ferris comes to the bridge, of course!

Ferris: "Captain Kirk, you check your chronometer you'll see that it is 2823.8. Your time is up."

Kirk: "But they're still out there."

Ferris: "So are the plague victims on New Paris. I'm sorry, captain, I now assume authority granted me under title 13 galactic emergency procedures and I order you to abandon search."

Kirk: "The Columbus hasn't returned yet. I still have two search parties out."

_(((You can bet your life that Kirk planned for it to happen that way.)))_

Ferries orders for everyone to get back to the ship and that the search be abandoned. Kirk gives the orders to his crew, and he's clearly not happy about it.

We come back from commercial to hear that the landing parties are back and the Columbus will be back in twenty three minutes.

_(((Kirk's reaction to the twenty three minutes news, by the way, is lovely. Poor guy is worried sick. =( )))_

Back at the Galileo, Scotty says that they're ready to go but will only be able to hold orbit for a few hours. Spock tells McCoy and Token Black Guy that now is the time for the funeral and he'll help out.

Back on the Enterprise, the Columbus is back and everything is set to go. Kirk gives the order to head for Maccas III…at "space normal speed." And also, now that the beams (whatever THOSE are) are working, he orders for them to be pointed back at the planet until further notice.

_(((That's right, no warp speed. Kirk is in no hurry to get out of there. He's still clinging to hope. Hot.)))_

Cut to the Galileo. The funeral is interrupted by some rude casual tossing of spears, and as McCoy/Token Black Guy/Spock flee to the ship, Spock is pinned down by a flung boulder. McCoy and the Token run back and save him, even though Spock orders them not to. Now on the ship, they only get off the ground when they use their boosters, which uses up a lot more fuel than they can spare.

Now in orbit, Scotty reports that they only have enough fuel for one go around, and not enough power to land smoothly…which means they're due to burn up in the atmosphere if they're not saved because they had to fire the boosters to get off the ground. Spock announces that there wasn't an alternative.

Scotty: "Mr. Spock, you said a while ago that there were always alternatives."

Spock: "Did I? I may have been mistaken."

McCoy: "…well at least I lived long enough to hear that."

_(((God bless you, McCoy.)))_

McCoy asks if there's anything they can do now.

Spock: "The Enterprise is surely on course for Maccas III by now. I, for one, do not believe in angels."

_(((It's not so surprising to hear that Spock is an atheist, since he's completely grounded in logic after all, but back in the 60s that was pretty damn huge for a co-starring character to admit. Groundbreaking stuff, guys.)))_

Scotty announces that they have about forty five minutes of fuel. Joy. Spock tries to contact the Enterprise, to no avail, then he sees the 'fuel jettison' button. He presses it, and ignites the fuel. Everybody on the ship, understandably, freaks the FUCK out. Now they'll last maybe six minutes.

_(((What's THIS? An act of desperation???? We shall see.)))_

The Enterprise sees the trail in their rear view mirror, but can't really tell exactly WHAT it is. Still, Kirk orders a hundred and eighty degree turn.

_(((Kirk's sight of hope is wonderful to watch. Heehee.)))_

Back on the Galileo:

McCoy: "It may be the last action you'll ever take but Spock…it was all human."

Spock: "Totally illogical…there was no chance."

McCoy: "Exactly what I mean."

_(((Well you heard it, Spock admits in front of the whole crew that it was totally ILLOGICAL of him to jettison the fuel, and he even implies that it was, in fact, a human thing to do. Keep that in mind.)))_

The Enterprise gets close enough use the transporter, and as they do so "whatever it was" out there has now burned up in the atmosphere.

Kirk sits back in his chair…stunned…shocked…he's damn near about to cry right there on the bridge.

_(((It's absolutely Heart. Breaking.)))_

Uhura: "Captain, transporter room just beamed up five persons."

Kirk looks up…waiting silently for the rest of the news…he's barely breathing…

Uhura: "Alive and well."

The good news sinks into Kirk and explodes…but it's ALL on the inside.

"Sulu…" Kirk orders breathlessly, "…proceed to Maccas III. Warp factor one."

_(((This is hands down, without a doubt, the most shining example of a character's inner life and workings that I can think of. Look at him! When he hears they're alive, he's the happiest. man. in. the. world. When he inhales to say Sulu's name it looks like he's about to cry tears of joy. Ultimately he BARELY smiles, but we can see the huge wave of relief and pure JOY that's washing over him. Beautiful. Simply, shamelessly beautiful. _

_Whoever says that Shatner can't act can go die. He may not have been trained, but that doesn't mean he wasn't an ACTOR, and a GOOD ONE.)))_

Ahhhh, and now the final scene. McCoy and Kirk are gossiping about Spock as Spock walks about the bridge. Kirk turns his chair around and gets Spock's attention. Spock stops, looks at them both, then continues to sit at his station while Kirk and McCoy descend on him like the playful little wolves they are.

_(((It's a wonderfully played moment. It's very clear that Kirk is about to have a little fun with Spock. Heh.)))_

Kirk sits on the console next to Spock.

Kirk: "Uh, Mr. Spock…"

Spock: "Captain?"

Kirk: "There's something I don't understand about all of this, and maybe you can explain it to me. Logically, of course. When you jettisoned the fuel and ignited it, you knew that there was virtually no chance of it being seen and yet you did it anyhow. Now that would seem to me to be an act of desperation."

_(((As Kirk says all of this, we see that the entire bridge is all ears.)))_

Spock: "Quite correct, captain."

Kirk: "Now we all know, and I'm sure the doctor would agree with me, that desperation is a highly _emotional_ state of mind. How does your well known logic explain that?"

Spock: "Quite simply, captain. I examined the problem from all angles and it was plainly hopeless. Logic informed me that, under the circumstances, the only possible action would have to be one of desperation. Logical decision, logically arrived at."

_(((This tap dance brought to you by Spock's Very Human Need to Maintain His Purely Logical Appearance.)))_

Kirk: "Uh huh…I see…you mean you reasoned that it was time for an emotional outburst."

_(((The expression on Kirk's face as he's watching for Spock's reply is delicious. There's nothing he loves more than Spock squirm.)))_

Spock: "Well I…wouldn't put it in exactly those terms, captain…but those are essentially the facts."

Kirk puts his arm around the back of Spock's chair and leans in close.

_(((Uh, whoa there Kirk…you've got an entire bridge watching.)))_

Kirk: "You're not going to admit that, for the first time in your life, you committed a purely human, emotional act."

Spock: "No sir."

_(((Psssh, ::scoff:: I'm not human…I don't have feelings…meanie…)))_

Kirk takes a second to laugh softly , then leans in even closer to Spock, grinning his head off.

_(((OTHER PEOPLE, Kirk. They're RIGHT THERE. They have EYES.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…you're a stubborn man."

_(((Oooooooo, this line is just DROWNING in innuendo. Look at how Kirk is grinning from ear to ear. When he says 'stubborn' he ain't just talking about Spock admitting he committed an act of desperation…noooo no….according to Kirk's tone, Spock is very stubborn is OTHER ways, too. Deliciously WICKED ways…SEXY ways…I-don't-want-to-say-out-loud-that-I-want-to-bone-the-captain ways…and Kirk, the devil, insinuates all of that, and right in front of the entire crew, no less!)))_

Spock's eyebrows hit the ceiling.

Spock: "Yes, sir."

_(((Now, Spock's 'yes' is pretty simple. He's not necessarily returning the innuendo, he's just stating a simple fact that yes, he is stubborn. The eyebrows shooting skyward, however…that says a lot, indeed. It's like he got the message for a second, then played it off. Bwehehe…)))_

Kirk and the crew start laughing hysterically, with Kirk having particular fun as he sits back in his chair.

_(((I love watching Kirk laugh…it makes me happy.)))_

End of Episode, and we all know what means….

* * *

…..**Score Time!**

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 2

Random Crewman Body Count – 9

Times Spock is Injured – 3


	14. 1x14 Court Martial

**Author's Note: **Has anybody seen the cover of the VHS/DVD of The Voyage Home? It's the gayest. thing. I've. ever. seen. It has Kirk and Spock standing back to back with an explosion of a purple/pink sunset with San Francisco below them. If there wasn't a Klingon ship in the middle of it would honestly look like the cover of a gay drama. No joke, look at it here (just takes the spaces out from before and after 'Amazon': http://www. Amazon .com/Star-Trek-IV-Voyage-Home/dp/6305609721/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1246390122&sr=1-4

Two men, purple/pink, San Francisco. You don't get much gayer than that. Srsly.

The poster for TMP was a big beacon of gay too. Huge rainbow? Wow.

I love this episode as well. The drama, the courtroom, and an ending that honestly took me by surprise the first time I watched it. And, of course, yet another moment of slash that slips right by if you're not paying attention. But we know better. ;)

***As of just this moment, this project has become my most reviewed/commented on piece here on this site with a _wonderful_ 112 reviews!!! ::Dances:: I appreciate all of the glowing responses and cunning insights. You guys really keep me going…yes, even the ones that lurk and don't comment. I know you're out there! I love you anyway. =P

* * *

**Season One, Episode Fourteen: Court Martial**

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 2947.3: We have been through a severe ion storm. One crewman is dead. Ship's damage is considerable. I've ordered a non-scheduled layover on Star Base 11 for repairs. A full report of damages was made to the commanding officer of Star Base 11, Commodore Stone."

_(((Why is any of this important? Oh you just wait.)))_

Kirk is in Commodore Stone's office, getting ready to sign a sworn deposition as to what happened during the ion storm. He has to read it over a couple of times because he's preoccupied with having lost a crewman.

_(((This is yet another glimpse at how Kirk absolutely hates losing any member of his crew. He considers it a personal failure on his part and that just kills him. Poor guy.)))_

Kirk recaps what happened during the storm. The ship was on _red_ alert, the storm got worse, and he was forced to jettison the pod that held crewmember Finney but he waited until the last possible moment. Spock beams in with the Enterprise's computer log extract then, and he looks like he's got something on his mind.

Kirk: "What took you so long, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Captain, I believe I-"

Stone: "I'll take that."

Stone then takes the log from Spock.

_(((Uh, hi Stone. Rude much?_

_And what the hell was Spock about to say? Will we ever find out? Who knows? This is the first time I've ever seen this episode, I don't know what happens, what's this whole "_Star Trek_" thing, anyway?…::cough:: )))_

Then a teen girl who looks like she's on her way to a Worst Cosplayers of Sailor Moon convention comes in. Kirk identifies her as Jamie, and the girl wastes no time with silly things like rationality. She starts screaming and hitting poor Kirk, accusing him of murdering Finney and crying all over the place.

Stone asks that Spock get rid of the emotional chick 'cause she is like _totally_ bringing down the room.

Spock: "Ms. Finney come with me, please."

Spock takes the girl by the arm, glances up at Kirk for a brief moment, then leads her away.

_(((At the moment I can't quite put Spock's expression into words…all I know is that it's adorable. Kind of a 'I'm sorry this is happening' look. Precious.)))_

Stone asks Kirk if he's sure he jettisoned the pod after the ship went to red alert. Kirk confirms, and Stone accuses of him willful perjury since the computer log extract says the pod was jettisoned before the red alert was in effect, Kirk's actions thus turning from duty to murder. Stone confines Kirk to the base.

_(((What? Kirk accused of MURDER? How wonderfully dramatic. XD )))_

Once the titles are done, we see Kirk and McCoy entering a bar. Kirk tries to strike up a conversation with a couple of buddies from the Academy.

Kirk: "How're you doing, Mike?"

Mike: "I'll get by, Jim."

Random Buddy: "I understand you're laying over for repairs. Big job?"

Kirk: "Couple of days."

Random Buddy: "Be moving out, then?"

_(((This guy is clearly not a Kirk fan right now. Word about Finney must have traveled fast…)))_

Kirk: "In a hurry to see me go?"

_(((…and Kirk's not a dumbass, so he suspects as much.)))_

Random Buddy: "Oh I just wondered how long it would take for you to get a new records officer."

Kirk: "You can talk plainer than that."

_(((If Kirk were a cat, his back would be arched to the ceiling. Thanks to Shatner, this moment isn't over the top. Kirk is calm, cool, but we can see his tension. We can also see his pride, he doesn't like being treated cruelly when he's perfectly innocent and he's not afraid to stand up for himself. At this point Kirk is very confident that this whole 'murder' business won't go very far because he knows what he did and didn't do.)))_

Random Buddy: "I can, but I think the point's been made. Ben was a friend of ours."

McCoy: "Come on, Jim, let's go."

Kirk (to Random Buddy): "No go on, finish. Ben was a friend of yours _and_…?"

_(((Translation: "Yeah, prick? You wanna go? Let's go. Give me a reason. Give me ONE. REASON. I DARE you.)))_

McCoy: "Jim…"

Kirk: "Go on. I'm waiting to hear the rest."

Mike: "Why don't you tell us?"

Kirk: "What would be the point? You've already made up your minds."

Kirk ends up choosing the high road after all, and leaves the bar.

Right as he's leaving, however, the Dame of the Hour enters and gets a glimpse of him. She runs into McCoy, who confirms that it was the captain, and the Dame says that her name is Ariel Shaw and she's an "old friend" of Kirk's.

Cut to Stone's office. Kirk is there for the inquiry to determine if a court martial is necessary.

Stone: "Let us begin with your relationship with commander Finney. You knew him for a long time, didn't you?"

Kirk: "Yes, he was an instructor at the Academy when I was a mid-shipman, but that didn't stand in our way of beginning a close..friendship. His daughter Jamie who was here last night was named after me."

_(((::Spits her water all over the screen:: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT???? Exactly how close WERE you to this Finney, Captain Happy Pants? He says that line fondly, even with a little smile. And Finney's CHILD was NAMED after KIRK._

…

_WHOA.)))_

Stone: "It's common knowledge that something happened to your friendship."

Kirk: "It's no secret. We were assigned to the same ship some years later. I relieved him on watch once,"

_(((And when that was done I let him go on break too. HEY-OOOO!!!!)))_

Kirk: "and found a circuit open to the atomic matter piles that should've been closed. Another five minutes could have blown up the ship."

Kirk then goes on to explain that he reported the incident and Finney was punished. Finney believed that Kirk's snitching was the result of Finney's career being held back.

As for what happened in the ion storm, it was Finney's turn to go in the pod so Kirk sent him. The ion storm got worse and he had to go to red alert. Finney knew he only had seconds left and Kirk insists that he gave him those seconds, and more.

Stone waves the computer log extract around then and is all 'Then like why does this piece of plastic we're supposed to believe has complex recorded data on it say you jettisoned the pod while on yellow alert?'

Kirk's answer? "I dunno."

Kirk says that Spock is running tests on the computer right now to see if there's something wrong with it but he doubts he'll find anything.

Stone then makes the kind-of-gentle-but-not-really suggestion that they play this whole thing off as 'poor little ship's captain was uber stressed and cracked under pressure,' to which Kirk says in the most polite way possible, "Uh…FUCK that."

_(((Kirk's reputation is very important to him. He takes pride in his work and his place in the Starfleet. He commands the freaking FLAGSHIP of the whole damn thing, for chrissake, and he's damn proud of it.)))_

Stone: "Admit nothing, say nothing, let me bury the matter here now. No starship captain has ever stood trial before and I don't want you to be the first."

Kirk: "But if what you suspect is true then I'm guilty and should be punished."

_(((He knows he's innocent, but he's not going to take the easy road out and he doesn't want any sidesteps taken. Kirk wants Stone to do his motherfreaking JOB, even if it means something inconvenient to the fleet like taking him to court. He wants the RIGHT thing done, the RIGHT way. He's. A fucking. Hero.)))_

Stone: "I'm thinking of this service."

_(((Translation: I'm willing to be a prick and fuck your life up for the good of the Starfleet's reputation because I'm high up in the chain of command. It's what we do.)))_

Stone: "I won't have it smeared by-"

Kirk: "By WHAT, commodore Stone?"

_(((This is the second time in less than ten minutes of the episode where Kirk has confronted someone, demanding for them to just SAY IT already. In instances like these, Kirk is not a fan of beating around the bush. He has too much on the line here._

_He even, literally, stands up to Stone at this moment, becoming taller than the COMMODORE for a little bit. Cajones. He has them.)))_

Stone: "Alright. By an evident perjurer who's either covering up his bad judgment, his cowardice, or something el-"

Kirk: "_That's_ as far as you go, sir."

_(((Did he…did he just tell the ranking officer in the room to shut the fuck up?_

…_WHOA…)))_

Kirk: "I'm telling you, I was there on the bridge. I know what happened, I know what I did."

Stone: "It's in the transcript, and computer transcripts don't lie. Now, I'm telling you captain, you either accept a permanent ground assignment or the whole disciplinary weight of Starfleet command is gonna light right on your neck."

Kirk: "So that's the way we do it now, sweep it under the rug and me along with it. Not on your life. I intend to fight."

Stone: "Then you draw a general court."

Kirk: "Draw it? I _demand_ it, and right now, commodore Stone. _Right now_."

_(((Kirk will do whatever it takes to have justice sought PROPERLY, even if it means putting his reputation through the ringer because, at the end of the day, he knows he's innocent.)))_

We come back from commercial to see a nice mushy mushy scene between Kirk and Ariel. Kirk is alll grins, but she wants to talk about his case 'cause she's a lawyer and shit.

_(((::GASP:: A Dame of the Hour with a BRAIN? _

_NO. WAY._

_I actually quite like this chick. She's smart and doesn't come off as some chick who doesn't just fawn all over Kirk like a weak little…Kirk……fawning……person._

_Now, since Kirk is grinning in that special way of his, we know he's flirting and why shouldn't he? Pretty girl from his past enters the scene, Spock's not around, and oh yeah he could use a good lawyer right now and she happens to be one. He even slides that question into the conversation. I don't think that was the ONLY reason he was charming the heck out of her, she's a nice chick and all, but we know that Kirk has no problem flirting to get what he needs so it only makes sense that he thought he could whore his way into some good legal council.)))_

Ariel says she can't defend him 'cause she a touch busy with, you know, prosecuting. His case. Fuck. Being the good sport she is, though, she does recommend the best defense attorney she knows.

Cut to Kirk entering the room he's staying in on the planet to find said defense attorney surrounded with books. He is quirky. End of scene.

Courtroom time! Blah blah blah, law law law, Kirk pleads 'not guilty' big surprise there, Spock takes the stand first! ::Dramatic gasp::

The computer rattles off some interesting facts about Spock as he takes his seat on the stand.

Computer: "Service rank – Lt. Commander. Position – First Officer, Science Officer. Current assignment – USS Enterprise. Commendations – Vulcanian Scientific Legion of Honor, Awards of Valor: twice decorated by Starfleet command."

_(((That's pretty impressive. Also, between here and a certain episode he develops the reputation for being the best First Officer in the fleet. Spock ain't just a pretty face, people.)))_

Ariel questions Spock, asking him if he knows any recent malfunctions in the Enterprise's computer, to which he says 'no.'

Ariel: "That answer is based on your mechanical survey of the Enterprise computer, ordered by the defendant prior to this trial, is it not?"

Spock: "Affirmative."

Ariel: "Now the Stardate-"

Spock: "But the computer _is_ inaccurate…nonetheless"

_(((Everybody settle in. This shit is GOOD.)))_

Ariel: "Why do you say that?"

Spock: "It reports that the jettison button was pressed before the red alert."

Ariel: "In other words, it reports that Captain Kirk was reacting to an extreme emergency that did not then exist."

Spock: "And _that_ is impossible."

_(((Teeheehee…)))_

Ariel: "Is it? Were you watching him the exact moment he pressed the jettison button?"

Spock: "No, I was occupied."

_(((…for a change.)))_

Spock: "The ship was already on yellow alert."

Ariel: "Then how can you dispute the finding of the log?"

Spock: "I do not dispute it, I merely state that it is wrong."

_(((Uhhh…that's kiiiinda the same thing, but whateva.)))_

Ariel: "Oh? On what do you base that statement?"

Spock: "I know the captain. He is-"

Ariel (to judge): "Please instruct the witness not to speculate."

Spock: "Lieutenant, I am half Vulcanian. Vulcians do not speculate. I speak from pure logic."

_(((So SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. WENCH.)))_

Spock: "If I let go of a hammer on a planet that has a positive gravity, I need not see it fall to know that it has, in fact, fallen."

Ariel: "I do not see what that has to-"

Spock: "Gentlemen, human beings have characteristics just as inanimate objects do. It is impossible for Captain Kirk to act out of panic or malice. It is _not_ his nature."

_(((Well hawt dayum. _

_So we saw in the previous episode that Spock can bullshit the 'logic' thing if he wants to, twisting it around until it looks like his decision is rational when that is soooo not the case. Same thing here. The LOGICAL assumption here is that all humans are fallible, even the mighty Kirk, and so then the conclusion is that there's at least a _possibility_ that Kirk honestly made a mistake and/or cracked under the pressure…but not to Spock. No no, Spock thinks SO HIGHLY of Kirk that he compares the captain's reliability to fucking GRAVITY. Spock _knows_ this man, damnit, they've been flirting for a LONG TIME now, and no pretty blonde in a red dress will ever convince him otherwise._

_This, my friends, is straight up loyalty, respect and trust.)))_

Ariel: "In your opinion."

Spock looks down for a moment, the back up.

_(((It's clear he doesn't want to say that it's his opinion, because he believes what he just said to be _fact_.)))_

Spock: "Yes. In my opinion."

Kirk's defense lawyer passes up the opportunity to cross examine Spock, so he steps down.

Ariel calls up a chick from the Enterprise to tell us stuff we already know and Kirk's lawyer doesn't question her either. Then McCoy gets to the stand.

Ariel: "Doctor you are, on the record, an expert in psychology. Especially space psychology, patterns which develop in the close quarters of a ship during long voyages in deep space."

_(((Well that would certainly explain why he's picked up on the whole Kirk/Spock thing when no one else on the Enterprise seems to.)))_

McCoy fights for Kirk too, but at the end of the day he does have to admit that it is possible for someone who is hated by another to develop a hatred for the person who hates them…or something.

_(((He doesn't have the "logic" excuse to bullshit around like Spock does. Poor guy.)))_

When Kirk's lawyer passes up the chance to cross examine McCoy, the judge asks why he isn't doing his damn job. The lawyer's reason is that he's been waiting to get all of this crap out of the way and call Kirk to the stand, so he does.

This is what the computer has to say about Kirk:

Computer: "Service Rank – Captain. Position – Starship Command. Current Assignment – USS Enterprise. Commendations – _(((I can't make out whatever the fuck the first one is, the super amazing computers mumbles to all hell)))_, Ranked High Order of Tactics, Class of Excellence, Red Taris Ribbon of Commendation, Classes First and Second-"

Ariel cuts the computer off, saying that they all know Kirk is super amazing and no one's arguing that. Kirk's lawyer has them listen to a little more.

Computer: "Awards of Valor: Medal of Honor, Silver Palm with cluster, Starfleet citation for Conspicuous Gallantry, Terragise Order of-"

Then Kirk's lawyer cuts the computer short to save them all some time.

_(((Long story short: Kirk isn't just a captain, he's a DECORATED HERO. We all knew that Kirk was awesome, and badass, and brave and shit, but here we actually get a glimpse of just how much he's done. We don't even get the full list! It could go on for another five minutes, for all we know. He's a big deal, people. Now we know why his reputation is so important to him. It's fucking IMPRESSIVE. Kirk, crack under pressure? PUHLEASE.)))_

_(((By the way, I looked up the specific definition for 'conspicuous' because the whole citation thing sounded more bad than good, but the technical definition of conspicuous is "easily seen or noticed" so we're good. The word just has a bad connotation.)))_

Kirk's lawyer cross examines him and he restates everything we already know and he defends his actions right to the ground.

Kirk: "Given the same circumstances, I would do the same thing without hesitation. Because the steps I took, and the order I took them, were absolutely necessary if I were to save my ship……and _nothing_ is more important than my ship."

_(((Another instance where we hear just how important Kirk's ship is to him. The point really can't be stressed enough, actually. _

_Man, wouldn't it just be incredible if Kirk sacrificed the ship, of all sacred things, for that one special person? ::Sigh:: That would be soooo romantic._

_Ah well, I highly doubt we'll ever see that. The great playboy Kirk would never fall for someone THAT hard. I mean come on, please, that would never happen in the climax of the third Star Trek movie called The Search for Spock. PSSH. Keep dreaming.)))_

Then Ariel shows real footage from the bridge of the Enterprise during the ion storm that shows Kirk hitting the aptly labeled JETTISON POD while the ship was only at yellow alert so…uh…whups.

_(((Take a look at the button panel on Kirk's chair. It's got a yellow alert button, a red alert button, and a 'Jettison Pod' button, all of which are marked so clearly it reminds of those phones for the elderly. _

_You know, the ones with the HUGE number pad that's there so that not even a **violent seizure** could stop the person from calling up their great grandkids to lecture them about World War II and adult diapers? Yeah. Those._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Ariel: "If the court will notice, the log plainly shows the defendant's finger pressing the jettison button. The condition signal reads yellow alert. _Not_ red alert, but simply _yellow_ alert."

_(((Yes, but did the condition signal read 'yellow alert?')))_

Back from commercial. Well NOW Kirk is confused, he even thinks he may have been mistaken for a minute while he's talking to his lawyer in his room…but then he dismisses the notion.

Then Spock calls him on the communicator.

Kirk: "Kirk here."

Spock: "Captain, I've run a complete megalyte survey of the computer."

_(((Non-sensical technobabble. It's cute. But only when Spock says it.)))_

Kirk: "I'll tell you what you found. Nothing, right?"

Spock looks down for a moment.

Spock: "You sound bitter, captain."

_(((Well he certainly took this to a personal level but quick.)))_

Kirk: "Not bitter enough to forget to thank you for your efforts."

Spock: "Further instructions?"

Kirk: "No. It's not all bad, Mr. Spock. Who knows, you may be able to beat your next captain at chess. Kirk out."

_(((::Falls over::_

_This comment was slashy enough to begin with, but our recent revelation of the historical meaning of chess takes this to a whoooollllleeeeee new level. Now that we know about how chess (wayyy back in the day, think Shakespeare) was used as a tool in courting and also as a metaphor for sex/intimacy, Kirk's line now snaps into focus. He just told Spock, "Hey, maybe you'll actually _get somewhere_ with your next captain." _

_The way he puts it makes it one of those poignant jokes in bad situations that we often see in entertainment. You know, when a character makes a joke in a tragic situation that just nails the truth ho- SON OF A BITCH, hold on, my mind is reeling again. Damn thing just won't stay PUT. ::Runs off:: )))_

Spock looks down with a sad sense of understanding, then gets an amazing idea about chess that we're not let in on at the moment.

_(((::Sits back down:: Okay, I'm back…::panting::….damn that thing can MOVE. Where were we? Oh yeah, apparently Spock new _exactly_ what Kirk meant because the way he reacts to Kirk's line before he gets the bright idea about chess is just way too- GODDAMNIT. ::Runs off after mind again:: )))_

Jamie enters then, and apologizes for blaming Kirk. She feels really bad about the whole scene she made earlier and she realizes now that it wasn't Kirk's fault.

Jamie (after already apologizing and carrying on): "I'm sorry."

Kirk: "Don't say anymore."

Jamie: "But I have to. I never realized how close you and dad had been until I read through some of the papers he wrote, letters to mother and me. I don't know how I ever could've thought that…"

_(((Okay, BACK. Again. Ugh. Where were we? Oh yeah, Kirk and Finney getting it on. _

_Seriously, look at what Jamie said, "I never knew how CLOSE you and dad had been, etc." She had to read some of her fathers letters to realize it, and afterwards she knew just how ridiculous the notion of Kirk murdering Finney was. It doesn't take much to draw the conclusion that she found out about her father and Kirk's romantic history. This plus Kirk's comment earlier really and truly points in that direction._

_Hm? Oh, no my mind's fine. I'm sitting on it until it calms down. No worries.)))_

On the Enterprise, McCoy finds Spock playing chess with the computer. McCoy is, understandably, appalled at how Spock is playing games while Kirk's reputation goes down the proverbial toilet. That is, he's appalled until Spock explains himself.

Spock: "I've just won my fourth game."

McCoy: "That's impossible."

Spock goes on to win the game.

Spock: "Mechanically, the computer is flawless. Therefore, logically, its report of the captain's guilt is infallible. I could not accept that, however."

_(((Oh really, Spock? A being built from the ground up on logic just *couldn't* accept a 100% perfectly logical conclusion? The very notion of Kirk having made an error like this trumps LOGIC ITSELF? A "purely logical" being, such as yourself, should have no trouble accepting this. Humans are fallible, computers aren't. Done deal, yes? _

_Apparently not._

_Don't look now, Spock, but I think this situation has brought out your human side of gut instinct. This doesn't happen very often either…and by that I mean this doesn't happen AT ALL. How interesting…)))_

Since Spock programmed the computer himself he shouldn't be able to win, he should only be able to get a 'draw' at best and, well, you can just guess the rest because Spock and McCoy ran off to save the day.

Kirk's lawyer puts on a great show for the judge to convince him to let the court move to the Enterprise so Kirk can face his accuser (the ship's computer) and prove his innocence.

_(((You might watch this scene and think Kirk's lawyer is way overdoing it, saying that if the court doesn't comply with this request that it'll be a crime against humanity itself, but really it quite a nice tactic that's commonly used in debate. Make it seem like the world will end if X doesn't happen…that's a pretty compelling argument when done properly.)))_

So the court reconvenes on the Enterprise and Spock explains the whole computer/chess thing once again for the slow folks and/or Megan Foxxes in the audience. Through Kirk's lawyer's questioning Spock deduces that, since there's something clearly wrong with the computer, that the footage of Kirk jettisoning the pod could have been falsified by someone, BUT only three people have the know-how to pull of something so advanced: Kirk, Spock, and the records officer.

But AHA! They no longer HAVE a records officer because the records officer was Finney! Then Kirk's lawyer turns to Kirk.

Lawyer: "Captain Kirk, would you tell the steps you took to find Mr. Finney after the storm?"

Kirk: "I instituted a Phase 1 search."

Lawyer: "Describe a Phase one search…"

_(((…so the audience isn't completely buttfuck lost for this next bit.)))_

Kirk: "It's a pain-staking, thorough attempt in and around the ship to find a man whose presumable injured and unable to respond."

Lawyer: "It pre-supposes, does it not, that a man wishes to be found."

Kirk: "I beg your pardon?"

Lawyer: "If you start a search for a man you assume, don't you, that he wants to be found?"

Kirk: "Yes…"

Lawyer: "On a ship of this size, could a man evade such a search?"

Kirk: "Possibly."

_(((OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NO WAY. Finney could be alive? SHUT. UP. I did not see that coming._

_No really, I didn't. I had the most delightful surprise the first time I watched it. This show surprised me a few times, actually. I didn't guess that Lenore was an uber crazy psycho killer in _The Conscience of the King_ either, but I probably should have.)))_

Cut to everyone on the bridge, waiting for proof that Finney is alive and hiding somewhere on the ship. In order to do this, every member of the crew has to GTFO, which means the impulse engines had to be shut down, which means the ship will eventually go through orbit decay and burn up in the atmosphere if they don't snap to it… so…you know…that's happening.

A device on the computer can play back the heartbeats of every single person on the ship. Thankfully, the Enterprise has a "white sound device" (also known as, to those with extensive knowledge of technical jargon, a "hand held microphone") that can record and identify a person's heartbeat and eliminate it from the general play back. McCoy does this with everyone's heartbeat until they're all accounted for but SHOCK! There's still one heartbeat left! Spock isolates the sound to the engineering deck and Kirk goes galloping off with a phaser to track him down.

Cut to Kirk getting to the engineering deck, and a voice over from the captain to tell us that Jamie should be on board any minute to try and keep Finney calm.

Kirk pokes around the engineering room.

Booming Voice: "Hello, captain."

_(((GOD?!?!)))_

Booming Voice: "Anything to say, _captain_?"

Kirk: "I'm glad you're alive."

Finney: "You mean you're relieved 'cause you think you're career is saved. But you're wrong!"

They chat a bit, until Finney finally decides to reveal himself by poking a phaser into Kirk's back. Mr. Willem-DaFoe-Look-a-Like then admits that he's sabotaged the ship because that would hurt Kirk more than just killing him. Kirk then admits that Jamie's on board which makes Finney freak out just a tad.

Each man's respective stunt double then has a knock down drag out fight. A fight that Kirk wins. If you are surprised by this outcome, you have not been paying very close attention to _the entire series_.

Kirk then tells us via voiceover that Finney told him where he sabotaged the ship and Kirk runs to that big cylindrical area to fix it.

_(((I think this is the first time we see this space, and it becomes a staple of Scotty…so…woo!)))_

Kirk saves the day (like we all knew he would =D ) and all the charges against him are dropped.

Cut to the final scene, where Kirk and Ariel have a very mushy, and very public, goodbye right smack dead on the bridge of the ship.

Ariel: "Do you think it would cause a complete breakdown of discipline if a lowly lieutenant kissed a star ship captain on the bridge of his ship?"

Kirk: "Let's try."

They then share a pretty brief, polite kiss. Afterwards, they both look around the bridge.

Kirk: "See, no change. Discipline goes on."

_(((I would like to point out the fact that, after he kisses her and they look around the bridge, Kirk looks in the PRECISE direction of where SPOCK is. His gaze flutters off for a second, but there is an undeniable and most-definite focus on that ONE area._

_Kirk, you DIRTY. BASTARD. Trying to make Spock jealous, how shameful!!! SHAME. FUL.)))_

Ariel leaves and Kirk sits in his chair. McCoy is standing on his left, Spock on his right.

"She's a very good lawyer," Kirk insists, with a glance Spock's way.

Spock: "Obviously."

Kirk: "Indeed she is."

_(((Spock and McCoy are _both_ standing on opposite sides of him, and Kirk decides to glance at who? SPOCK. Kirk, sir, you play dirty. This is also the only time we ever see Kirk kiss a woman when he knows Spock is there. Fascinating.)))_

_(((This is also a great comedic moment, with all three of them wearing completely straight faces. They play so well off each other, it's frightening.)))_

End of episode!!

* * *

**Scooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooore!**

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 8

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 4 (making Spock jealous DOES count as an ulterior motive)

Times I said 'fuck' in this episode's commentary – 438,259,930,865 (really it was just ten…but it felt like more so I rounded up a smidge.)


	15. 1x15 The Menagerie Pt One

**Author's Note: **::sniff sniff:: You smell that? ::sniff:: It smells like…like…something wonderful…like something…undeniable…teen spirit? No…not quite…something a little older…and…more gay…wait…::sniff::….is that…is that Shore Leave? Why…I think it might be…It smells close…_very_ close…it's only a matter of time…::slow, creepy, evil cackle::……yessss…::twirls mustache::

(Was that dramatic enough for you? I hope so. The wait is almost over…at least until we have to start waiting for that other episode…)

Aelwydd had some very interesting information in his/her comment on the previous episode: "…there were several times recounted by slash fic fans who  
went to conventions [in the 60s], and where Roddenberry and Shatner and Nimoy were publicly asked about the terrible and degenerate stories being written about our  
dashing, and oh-mi-god-so-NOT-yucky-gay heroes. The responses were usually  
that of, 'Uh, yes, we understand they believe J & S have GAY sex, and we care  
because...?' or amused tolerance."

That is very, VERY interesting. I'd love to discuss it, but here is not the right place. This topic will definitely be adressed in my "Misc. Evidence" chapter that I plan on writing at the very end of this project. I plan on piling all SORTS of fun facts and bits and pieces into that.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Fifteen: The Menagerie Pt. 1**

In this episode we're first greeted by a wonderful looking backdrop- I mean alien planet. Kirk/Spock/McCoy beam down and are greeted by a nice random woman.

Woman: "Welcome to Star Base 11, captain. The commodore's waiting to see you, he's curious as to why you suddenly changed course and came here."

Kirk: "We received a sub-space message asking us to divert here immediately."

Woman: "This base sent no message, captain."

The woman leads them off screen. Kirk looks back at Spock, then starts following her, grinning.

_(((Isn't it a little _early_ in the episode for blatant slashist behavior, Kirk? We're not even to the minute mark yet!_

_Oh well, guess it's never too early to smile at the sight of your first officer. =D_

_There are those who would say he was smiling about the girl, but I ask you this: Why would you think he's smiling about the girl? He was just told by her that the base never sent a message, a puzzling bit of info, and it's not like she's been throwing herself at him or anything. She didn't say anything clever, so the look to Spock wasn't a "ooo, she's smart" look and then grinning as a reaction to humor. Also, she's a blip on the radar of this episode. Completely inconsequential. No, ladies and gents, good ol' Spock made him smile simply by being there. Deal with it. ;) )))_

Fade to our trio of heroes in the Commodore's office.

Commodore: "Jim, I just can't understand this."

Kirk: "Mr. Spock received a transmission from this Star Base. A message from a former commander of the Enterprise, Captain Pike, urgently requesting that we divert here."

_(((Kirk is perfectly pleasant, he's just trying to get things cleared up. He's all "heyyy it's cool, it's just tiny little misunderstand, whateva.")))_

Commodore: "Impossible."

Kirk: "If my first officer states that he received a transmission from-"

_(((Behold, the first instance of Kirk standing up for Spock in this episode. This happens a LOT, and it's adorable. He makes his statement kindly, gently, matter-of-factly, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Again, adorable.)))_

The Commodore stresses the impossibility and Kirk lightly asks how it's just oh-so-impossible to Mr. Grumpy Gills. The Commodore is a little surprised that Kirk hasn't heard about Pike 'cause it's been the talk of sub-space chatter for months girlfriend, dayum!

The Commodore leads the trio to Pike, and what they find is super depressing. Pike rescued a bunch of children but kind of lost like his ENTIRE body in the process. Now he's basically just shoulders and a head with only enough power to move his little cart forwards and make a light blink once for 'yes' and twice for 'no.' Basically, his entire situation is made of SADNESS.

The Commodore asks Pike if he was expecting visitors, and Pike says no. They all turn to leave, but Spock stays to speak with Pike alone.

_(((Ooh la la! Wait…ew. Nvm.)))_

Spock: "You know why I've come, captain. It's only six days away at maximum warp, and I have it well planned."

_(((What's six days away? What plan? A honeymoon? A Christmas party? Opening of a tranny bar? WHAT?!)))_

Pike: -No-

Spock: "I have never disobeyed your orders before, captain, but this time I must."

Pike: -No-

Spock: "I know. I know it is treachery, and it's mutiny but I _must_ do this."

Pike: -No-

Spock: "I have no choice."

Pike: "How dare you disobey my orders, half breed! Have you no respect for a captain?!"

_(((HA, just kidding. He blinks twice for no. Man, how AWESOME would that have been, though? Srsly.)))_

_(((Spock is talking a mutiny/treachery cocktail? That's HUGE!! Why would Spock do that to Kirk? What could possibly be so important?! Patience, my ducklings, patience. All in good time._

_The answer though, is pretty damn good.)))_

Back from titles, where Kirk and The Commodore are in the Commodore's office.

Kirk: "Once more, Jose. Spock stated that he received a message for us to come here. He entered the same in his log. That's all the proof I require."

_(((It doesn't enter his mind for a second that Spock isn't telling the truth. Teehee.)))_

Commodore: "Then what do those record tapes show? No message sent from here, no message received by your vessel."

Kirk: "Then I suggest the record tapes have been deliberately changed! A computer expert can change record tapes, duplicate voices, say anything, say nothing."

_(((WHOA Kirk, heel! Heel! He jumps straight to malicious intent in less than a freakin' heartbeat! Let's not seem TOO protective of Spock, eh?)))_

Commodore: "The fact remains that your first officer's former captain is hospitalized, terribly injured at this base, and that same first officer seems to be the only one who heard that message-"

Kirk: "If he had wanted to see Captain Pike he could've requested a leave, I would've granted it."

Commodore: "Well that's true, of course."

Kirk: "Who would want to divert us here? There's no trouble, and the space sector we're patrolling that…no alien problems…"

The Commodore checks with one of his men whose been looking into the 'mysterious message' thing and the guy can't find any possible reason for the weirdness. The guy leaves his desk to go do something, I dunno, OVER THERE…and Spock slinks around the corner! He sneaks up on another guy and Vulcan Nerve Pinches him to the ground, then starts tinkering with one of the super advanced looking panels.

_(((SPOCK is the villain of the episode? OCTOLIEBE!!)))_

Cut back to Commodore and Kirk in Commodore's office. The woman from before enters.

Commodore: "Oh, have I introduced Ms. Piper, Jim? This is captain Kirk, Ms. Piper."

Piper: "I recognized the captain immediately. A mutual friend described you, sir, Lt. Helen Yohannson?"

Kirk gets a quietly scared look on his face.

Kirk: "Helen…Yohannson…described…"

Piper: "She merely mentioned she knew you, sir."

Now Kirk is relieved, and he smiles accordingly.

_(((So…what the crap did he do to Helen? It's clear that she obviously knew something he didn't want out, because of the way he damn near went pale when Piper mentioned her. However it could be anything. Dick size, sex duration, liking both boys and girls, an embarrassing story from his childhood involving a magician and no clothes, we don't really know and there's no evidence to suggest one thing or another. We all know what I like to think, though. =P )))_

Piper then goes on to say that she's found out very little, just that Spock was very loyal to Pike and Kirk is quick to point out that Vulcans are loyal by nature and that Spock was just as loyal to his previous captain as he is to his present one (teehee). The Commodore states the obvious, that the only thing Pike is good at is thinking really hard so he wouldn't be able to send a message to the Enterprise or even _ask_ for one to be sent.

_(((Oh, and winning staring contests. He's AMAZING at staring contests.)))_

Cut to Spock still messing with the super awesome looking panel, getting it to play the recording of a man's voice.

On the Enterprise, Uhura informs Hansen (the current captain since both Spock and Kirk are absent) that they're getting a message. Unbeknownst to them, it's the same message that Spock was just rigging up, saying that a new destination has been programmed into the Enterprise but the name of the destination will not be disclosed.

Since this is irregular in about 3489305949 different ways, Uhura asks for confirmation, and right then one of the Star Base employees finds Spock in the middle of his highly illegal plan. Spock Vulcan Pinches the poor bastard and finally gets things set to play Kirk's voice to confirm the order is right and that Spock will explain things from here on out.

Spock says that the helm will take the ship to its destination this time, and that Hansen is not to discuss this with ANYONE.

_(((What the fuck are you UP to, Spock?)))_

Cut to Kirk watching the security camera that's in Pike's room. McCoy comes in and Kirk mentions that Pike keeps blinking "no."

_(((Could that be a SIGN that something's WRONG? _

…………………………

_Nah.)))_

Kirk looks away. His expression is grave, stern.

Kirk: "Bones…could this have anything to do with Spock?

_(((Uh…YEAH it could. Have you even been WATCHING this episode, Kirk? HONESTLY.)))_

McCoy: "I don't read you at all, Jim."

_(((::Headdesk:: Has NOBODY been watching this episode? GAWD.)))_

Kirk: "What I mean is…either a message was received…"

Kirk slowly stands and crosses the room, silent.

_(((Poor guy couldn't even bear the mere thought Spock betraying him, and now that he's thinking it he can't even bring himself to SAY it right away. It just can't be so…not Spock…ANYBODY but Spock._

_This is all good, tense and dramatic, but when we think about all of the flirting, innuendo, CHEMISTRY…it just makes is that much more gut wrenching. For Kirk too, I'm sure.)))_

When he turns back to McCoy, his tone is much more firm.

Kirk: "It was one of two things: Either someone sent a message diverting us here or someone on board the ship lied about receiving it. Could that someone be Mr. Spock?"

McCoy: "Jim, forgetting how well we both know Spock, the simple fact that he's a Vulcan means that he's incapable of telling a lie."

Kirk: "He's also half human."

McCoy: "That half is completely submerged. To be caught acting like us, or even _thinking_ like us would completely embarrass him."

_(((1. Spock's human half is like soooo totally not submerged. We all know that._

_2. McCoy is right about the whole 'embarrassment' thing though. Being only half Vulcan, Spock has had to essentially strive to be _more_ Vulcan to make up for his "shortcoming." This is why it's such a big deal whenever he smiles or exhibits any emotion what-so-ever. He tries damn hard, all of the time, to keep his human emotions at bay.)))_

Kirk: "Someone's interfering with my command and my ship. I don't know who it is but I mean to find out. Even you! If I thought you had the technical know-how I'd suspect you, but you don't. Spock _does_!"

McCoy: "He would _not_ make a false entry-"

Kirk: "There's a false entry in the log right now which doesn't jive with the established facts. How do you explain that?"

McCoy: "I can't! But to question Spock, of all people. Me, yes. I could run off half-cocked given a good reason, so could you, but not Spock. It's impossible."

_(((The one thing Spock doesn't know that Kirk does is that Spock actually does have a pretty darn present emotional side, but Kirk isn't about to give that information up and risk humiliating Spock, not even when he's suspecting him of something dastardly. We can see why McCoy believes he's right, but we know why Kirk knows he's wrong. This is compelling shit, people.)))_

McCoy is then called back to the Enterprise for a medical emergency.

Dissolve to the Commodore having Kirk read a uber-super-secret file that reads "Talos IV."

_(((Shhhhhh…they have secret coded the incredibly classified information on a forbidden planet by giving that file the name…of the forbidden planet. QUIET! No one must ever know the cunning misnomer…no one...)))_

Commodore: "Know anything at all about this planet?"

Kirk: "What every ship captain knows. General Order 7: No vessel under any condition, emergency or otherwise, is to visit Talos IV."

Commodore: "And to do so is the only death penalty left on our books. Only fleet command knows why. Not even this file explains that. But it does name the only earth ship that ever visited the planet."

The Commodore opens the file and Kirk takes a moment to read what's in front of him.

Kirk: "The Enterprise, commanded by Captain Christopher Pike."

Commodore: "With a half Vulcan science officer named Spock."

_(((Those who haven't seen the very first pilot of Star Trek can now do a spit take.)))_

Piper sees that Pike has magically *poofed* out of his room and yells as much. The Commodore then finds out that the Enterprise is pulling out of orbit and refuses to answer their signal.

_(((::knocks table over:: WHAAAAAT?!?!?! SpockTalosDeathSignal WHAAAAAAAT?!?!!)))_

Back from commercial to see Spock commanding the Enterprise. He makes an announcement that he's been put in temporary command of the Enterprise because Kirk is just too pooped to poop so they put him on mandatory rest leave. McCoy pops into the bridge and calls B.S. on Spock.

Spock says that McCoy has been kept in the dark and takes him to see….Pike?!

McCoy is understandably all O.O and 'WTF?' until Spock plays him a message from "Kirk" that tells him take care of Pike, not to ask any questions and, of course, obey Spock.

Meanwhile, Pike keeps flashing 'no.'

_(((Could that be a SIGN that something's WRONG? _

…………………………

_Nah.)))_

Spock then goes to the bridge to hear that they're being followed by, what's big enough to be, a Star Base shuttlecraft. Spock barks at the crewman to do nothing and make NO contact.

_(((Basically, act like the shuttlecraft is Miley Cyrus.)))_

Kirk and the Commodore are in the shuttlecraft (oh like you didn't know) trying to hail the Enterprise. The Commodore says that if they turn back now they'll have just enough fuel to get back to base and, you know, _live_.

Kirk thinks for a second then tries to hail the Enterprise one last time.

Cut to Spock on the Enterprise, confirming that what's following them is a shuttlecraft and oh SHIT the craft has already gone past the point of no return.

_(((If Spock didn't know that it was Kirk following him, he sure as hell does now. Spock knows that Kirk knows that Spock would never let him just die…even though logically it would make sense to let them die, for the sake of the intricately laid out master plan he has going. Sure, it's emotional manipulation on Kirk's part, but it's also telling. And cute.)))_

Kirk and the Commodore are waiting to see if Spock will pick them up or not and they've only got two hours of oxygen left. Joy.

Kirk: "Part of me is hoping the Enterprise won't come back for us. We step on that deck, Spock is finished, court martialed, disgraced."

_(((So Kirk would, literally, rather DIE than see Spock DISGRACED. That's some fucking LOVE right there.)))_

Commodore: "He's dead if he makes it to Talos IV."

_(((Thank you for that, Commodore, my heart wasn't full of enough SUCK as it was.)))_

Commodore: "Why would he want to get Pike there? The command report stated Talos contained absolutely no practically benefits to mankind."

Kirk: "Spock would have some kind of logical reason for going there."

Commodore: "Maybe. Maybe he's just gone mad."

_(((OKAY, Commodore, STOP with all of the JOYFUL MUSINGS, you're making this ENTIRE situation sound WAY too HAPPY and FULL of GLEE.)))_

On the Enterprise, McCoy is on the bridge and he's figured out that it has to be Kirk in the shuttlecraft. Spock has the ship slow down and lock on to the shuttlecraft to prepare to beam Kirk and whoever else aboard.

_(((Spock does actually say "beam Kirk" so we know that Spock knows it's Kirk, which means that Spock knows that only one person would fly out past the point of no return because that person knows Spock wouldn't let him just die._

…_I seem to have to do the whole "he knows that he knows" a lot. Hm.)))_

Anyhoozles, Spock has himself arrested for mutiny and stuff, to which McCoy and Uhura are freakin' shocked to hear…obviously.

Kirk and the Commodore are beamed aboard and the Enterprise automatically gets back on course for Talos IV. Spock has effectively hijacked the Enterprise. As Kirk tries to figure out a way around it, we see Spock in his quarters, watching Kirk on his little personal screen. When Spock can't seem to watch anymore, he turns off the screen and hangs his head.

_(((AwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwww, it's killing Spock that he's doing this, and it's killing him to see what it's doing to Kirk. How dramatically adorable.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3012.4: Despite our best efforts to disengage computers, the Enterprise is still locked on a heading for the mysterious planet Talos IV. Meanwhile, as required by Starfleet general orders, a preliminary hearing on Lt. Commander Spock is being convened…and in all the years of my service, this is the most painful moment I've ever faced."

_(((Dear Christ, we are just being bitch slapped with devotion every five seconds in this episode, aren't we? _

_Not 'a' painful, not 'one of the most' painful, but 'THE MOST' painful._

_NOW we're getting a real, hardcore sense of just how important these men are to each other. Oh, and Gene Roddenberry was the only involved in the writing of this episode. Coincidence? HA.)))_

The council convenes, and is made up of Kirk and the Commodore.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, you're aware of your right to council of your choice."

Spock: "Sir, I wave council. Further, I wave rights to this hearing and request immediate court martial."

Kirk: "Request denied."

_(((Oh my, you were pretty quick with the denial, Kirk. Does somebody not want to see their beloved Vulcan go straight to court martial?)))_

Spock: "May I inquire on what grounds, captain?"

Kirk takes a moment, looks around.

_(((Oh shit, uh, I need a reason? Um…you mean everything to me? No, no, mulligan, let me try again…uh…I'd miss the copious amounts of sexual tension? NO, damnit Kirk, concentrate! What's some quick bullshit I can spew…)))_

Kirk: "Mutiny requires a trial board of no less than three command officers. Since there are only two of that rank available-"

Spock: "Sir, I must point out that there _are_ three officers of command rank available. Yourself, Commodore Mendez, and Captain Christopher Pike."

Kirk: "Denied."

_(((Jesus, Kirk, calm down with all of the denial already. Oh, and stop shooting down Spock's requests too._

…………_.._

_XD )))_

Kirk points out that Pike is just a tad MISSING 85% OF HIS BODY, but Spock says Pike is still on the active duty list. The Commodore confirms this, saying that they didn't have the heart to take someone off the list who was, you know, missing 85% of his body.

Transition to later and we see the court martial hearing coming to order, where Spock has waved council AGAIN and plead guilty.

The Commodore asks the highly complex question of "Why the shit did you do this?" which gives Spock the ability to admit any evidence in his defense so he has the viewing screen pulled up and some images pop up.

Spock explains that what they're seeing is the Enterprise from thirteen years ago, when Pike was captain. Kirk doesn't let it go on for very long before stopping the whole thing and asking how record tapes could look like they were shot with an entire camera crew. I mean, it's not like what they're watching was the original pilot of a television show or anything!

_(((Smooooooooth Star Trek. Smooooooooth.)))_

Spock says that he can't give details, and Pike denies record footage like this ever being shot. The Commodore is all, "We can't watch shit when we don't know the source" and denies the evidence, but Kirk jumps in and says he wants to see more.

Commodore: "You have that right, captain, but just because the prisoner is your first officer and your personal friend-"

Kirk: "That has nothing to do with it."

_(((….do I even need to say 'bullshit' at this point? No? Good.)))_

They continue watching the pilot- I mean…'record footage.'

Blah blah, they watch it for a while and it's obvious why the first pilot wasn't accepted, blah blah…and they take a break from movie time.

Commodore: "Mr. Spock, I'm truly amazed at your technical prowess at somehow manufacturing all this."

_(((BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ::deep breath:: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ::another breath::: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ::dies::_

_Yay 60s.)))_

Spock has Pike confirm that what they're seeing is what actually happened, and then the Commodore starts to get a bit touchy.

He speaks to Kirk, who is staring at Spock.

_(((With one of the most intense, smoldering stares I've ever seen. Not smoldering with sexual tension, just flat out TENSION. You could cut that shit with a knife.)))_

Commodore: "This is ridiculous. This man mutinied, stole your ship, abducted Captain Pike! Well for me this has gone far enough."

Kirk: "We still haven't heard the full story. I vote to continue."

_(((Kirk is still staring at Spock, by the way. Hawt.)))_

The Commodore votes to stop, but Pike votes to continue. Kirk smiles ever so slightly, and we go to commercial.

_(((The grin is pretty darn small, but still there. Heehee.)))_

They all watch some more of the footage and yup, it's still pretty boring except for the smoking hot blonde Pike meets.

_(((Check out her eyes, they're the most drop dead incredible blue I've ever seen.)))_

They stop watching the footage again so they can end the episode. Uhura chimes in with a message from Starfleet command that says the footage is coming from a transmission from ::gasp:: Talos IV! Kirk is relieved of command and the Commodore is to take his place and make sure that no further contact is made in any way.

Commodore: "Mr. Spock, you're aware of the orders regarding any contact with Talos IV."

Spock is calm.

Commodore: "You have deliberately invited the death penalty.

Spock is calm.

Commodore: "You've not only finished yourself, Spock, but you finished your captain as well."

Spock is not calm.

Stunned, Spock gets up from his seat and goes to the council's desk.

Spock: "Commodore, you must be aware that Captain Kirk knew nothing of this."

_(((The last thing he wanted was for Kirk to get in trouble…oh the drama…I LOVE it.)))_

Commodore: "And you're aware that a captain is responsible for everything that occurs on his ship. I order you to return this vessel back to manual control."

Spock looks at Kirk for a solid four seconds, and Kirk stares back.

_(((Spock seems like he's looking for help. Poor Kirk is just staring right. back. at. him. He wants to understand why this is happening but he just DOESN'T, which leaves him without much of anything to feel. UGH, love it.)))_

Spock respectfully refuses, and the Commodore calls a recess. Scotty and McCoy wheel Captain Pike out of the room, but not before McCoy looks over at Kirk and Spock for a moment.

_(((We can see that McCoy knows what a complicated situation this is, and from what we've seen over the course of the series so far it's not so fantastic to think that he knows exactly HOW complicated this situation is, if you GET my DRIFT.)))_

Kirk stares straight ahead, deliberately NOT looking at a certain VULCAN.

Spock stares at Kirk, waiting for him to do something, anything.

_(((Aw, come on, Kirk! Give him something! Anything! He's clearly hurting for your support.)))_

Kirk finally looks at Spock and stands up.

Kirk: "Do you know what you're doing? Have you lost your mind?"

_(((Luuuucyyyy, you have some 'splaining to do!!!)))_

Spock: "Captain, Jim please. Don't stop me. Don't let him stop me. It's your career and Captain Pike's life…you must see the rest of the transmission."

_(((Spock played the 'Jim' card. OUCH, my heartstrings.)))_

They stare at each other. Kirk finally looks away, he still doesn't know what to think.

_(((I could get drunk off of all this delicious inner conflict.)))_

Kirk: "Lock him up."

_(((HARSH. Totally understandable, but HARSH.)))_

The final shot is of Kirk, alone in the briefing room, highly stressed.

_(((Again. Drunk.)))_

End of episode.

* * *

**Super Jumbo Happy Score Time! Full edition, too!**

Episode Specific (as in, I only counted for this episode and will not keep a running tab):

Times I said shit – 8

Times Kirk stood up for Spock – 4

Times Spock and Kirk just STARED at each other – 483944895

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 9

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 8

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to - 4

Times Spock is Injured – 3

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 2

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 2

Pointless Rolls - 2

Times Kirk outsmarts computer - 2

Times a disease threatens the crew – 2

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times a god-like being is featured - 1

Times immortality is found – 1

Times Kirk is injured - 1

Times the Ship is taken Hostage - 1


	16. 1x16 The Menagerie Pt Two

**Author's Note: **A couple of people have asked why I glazed over the Spock/Uhura googly eyes moment a few episodes back. I thought I had mentioned it in the analyzation for that episode, but apparently not well enough (which is fine, 'cause that's what this whole message is for) so here goes:

It happens ONCE.

ONE TIME.

ONE TIMES, to restate it in a grammatically incorrect fashion.

One moment over a span of three seasons and six movies does not a romance make. There's that one bit where Uhura tries to flirt with Spock, but Spock is all 'Pardon me, lieutenant, you are not the captain' and doesn't reciprocate at all. 'Tis a blip on the radar, gents. They have maybe, what, five times when they really interact throughout the _whole _show?

Even if they did have a flirty giggly mushy thing going on, it still wouldn't throw K/S out the window. Kirk does honestly flirt with a couple of chicks himself, you know. It's not like Kirk and Spock were in a full out relationship during TOS, they had no _real_ romantic commitment to each other yet. Thus, they were free to do whatever/whoever.

JJ Abrams did say that he put Spock/Uhura together in the new movie because of TOS, and to that I say…quoi? It makes more sense that Abrams chose Uhura 'cause…well Uhura just makes SENSE given the circumstances. First of all, she's the only chick AROUND. Secondly, at that point Kirk and Spock were too at odds for Kirk to comfort him after losing so much. Uhura is a nice, convenient plot point that takes place before Kirk and Spock can even stand to be in the same room with each other. No worries, people. No worries. Still love Uhura though, she's very nifty.

Oh, and I woke up today to find like 47382594 new reviews. I love you guys. =D

* * *

**Season One, Episode Sixteen: The Menagerie Pt. 2**

Kirk: "Personal log, Stardate 3013.1:"

_(((PERSONAL log. _

_PER. SON. AL._

_Have we _ever_ heard Kirk make an entry in his *personal* log until this episode? I don't believe we have. What did it take to make Kirk switch to his personal log? Spock on trial for mutiny. Fascinating._

_All of the Kirk's log bits are 'personal' in this episode.)))_

The show recounts its prior episode 'cause it's not STUPID and then throws some nice titles in our direction.

Well now that the 'keeper' has control of the viewing screen, all they can really do is watch it. So they do. Then they stop so that they can mention how the Talosians have the capability to make a person see and experience anything they want it seems 100% real.

_(((There is one moment in the segment they watch that's pretty hilarious. It's around the nine minute mark, when the chick pops up again and tells him to follow her, she turns around and gives the strangest I-must-be-having-aneurism-right-now expression. Hi-larious.)))_

Then…they watch some more.

Then they stop because Pike is exhausted and they're all in need of a commercial break anyway.

We come back from commercial to find that now the Enterprise is only an hour away from Talos IV…and they keep watching the footage.

…and they stop watching the footage to talk about how Pike was captured to be breeding stock with the hot blonde….

…and they watch some more…

…and then right when it gets good and revealing the footage stops.

The Commodore doesn't really want to wait around for the rest of the footage since Talos IV is so close. Pike votes guilty and then politely backs out of the way so the camera can get closer to the Commodore. He votes guilty too.

Commodore: "And you, captain?"

Kirk stares at Spock. Spock stares at Kirk.

_(((Oh boy, they're at it AGAIN.)))_

Kirk: "……guilty…as charged."

_(((UNGH, how painful did that look?! Kirk has a duty to the Starfleet, this is obvious, and with the evidence that has been shown he knows what the ruling has to be…but goddamnit he doesn't want to say it. He's doing a great job of keeping on a strong face, but every now and then we get a glimpse of just how difficult this is for him. This time we see it just before he says guilty. He wavers slightly before speaking. Beautiful moment. Go Shatner.)))_

We come back from commercial to find that the ship is being controlled by the Talosians now, and it's only a matter of time.

They go back to watching the footage.

The footage comes to an end.

_(((FINALLY. CHRIST.)))_

Kirk stares at Spock. Spock stares at Kirk. Kirk gets up from his chair and stands in front of Spock…just…staring.

_(((Does Kirk get it now? We're not sure. All we know is that this moment is delectable. The tension. The drama. The standing just a bit too close. Hawt.)))_

Kirk then turns to the Commodore.

Kirk: "Commodore, don't you think that-"

But the Commodore disappears!!!!

_(((OMGWTFBBQ?!?!?!)))_

Kirk turns to Spock, steps closer to him.

_(((Teehee.)))_

The head Talosian chick/dude/thing-with-a-huge-twitchy-head pops up on the screen and lets us all know, at last, what the FUCK is going on.

Talosian: "What you now seem to hear, captain Kirk, are my thought transmissions. The Commodore was never aboard your vessel. His presence there, and in the shuttlecraft, was an illusion. Mr. Spock had related to us your strength of will."

Kirk and Spock share a sloooowwwww trading of glances.

_(((And it's deliiiicccccioussssss.)))_

_(((And apparently Spock has been telling the Talosians about how wonderful Kirk is. _

_XD )))_

Talosian: "It was thought that fiction of a court martial would divert you from too soon regaining control of your vessel. Captain Pike is welcome to spend the rest of his life with us, unfettered by his physical body. This decision is yours, and his.

_(((…WHOA._

_Spock played Kirk like a freakin' drum. He knew exactly what needed to be done, and what needed to happen in order for Kirk to play right into his hands. This episode is one giant block of proof that when it comes to Kirk, Spock. knows. his. shit.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, even if regulations are explicit, you could have come to me and explained."

Spock: "Ask you to face the death penalty too? One of us was enough, captain."

_(((::Dies from cuteness::_

_AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!_

_Spock's delivery is just too damn adorable for words. We all knew that the last thing Spock wants is his lil ol' Kirk in trouble but for him to say it like that is just GUSH worthy.)))_

Uhura chimes in from the bridge to say that Starfleet command has waved the whole "ZOMG DON'T GO TO TALOS" thing for this special occasion.

Oh, and all charges against Spock has been dropped.

THAT'S when Kirk starts grinning.

_(((Translation: WIN.)))_

_(((I love that grin so much. You can completely see that he wants to jump out of his skin, but he's cool, he's calm, he's collected, and pssh, NO he doesn't want to go fangirl right now. Not at all. Not. At. All.)))_

He gently orders for Spock to take Pike to the transporter room.

Spock: "Thank you sir, for both us."

_(((This is a very teehee moment, but not as teehee as I was expecting for a moment of such relief. Hm.)))_

Spock begins to wheel Pike out of the room

Kirk: "Mr. Spock,"

_(((AHA! NOW here comes the teehee.)))_

_(((LOVING the touch of desperation in Kirk's voice right there. Like 'Wait no don't go I like you let me flirt.' Adorable. Unfortunately the camera's on Spock for that moment so we don't get to see Kirk's face…but his voice says it all.)))_

Kirk: "when you've finished please come back and see me, I want to talk with you. This regrettable tendency you've been showing lately towards flagrant emotionalism-"

_(((::Clears throat::_

_Kirk just called Spock out on having emotion and asked him back to his place in two sentences._

_Gene Roddenberry was the only one writing this episode._

……

_That is all.))_

Spock: "I see no reason to insult me, sir. I believe I've been completely logical about the whole affair."

Cut to Kirk, staring at Spock.

_(((This semi-brief shot of Kirk staring speaks fucking VOLUMES. I can't even put it into words right now. It's just so telling. _

_Even after all of this, Spock still plays the Vulcan card, but this time there's just a touch of 'way too innocent' in his tone._

_Again, Kirk is the only one to notice and/or bring up Spock's FLAGRANT emotionalism, and he does it in private._

_Well yeah, Pike is there…but…really?)))_

Spock leaves.

Kirk is grinning after Spock.

_(((You couldn't dodge the slash in this episode if you watched it with no sound and a brick wall in front of the screen. Srsly.)))_

Kirk's attention is then drawn to the display screen, where Pike is now tall dark and handsome again and running off with the blonde. He is understandably affected by the sight of this.

_(((Everyone else has been going really slowly with Pike's cart, but apparently Spock can make some SERIOUS time on that thing. He should enter the national Horribly Crippled Cart races. He would SO win.)))_

Talosian: "Captain Pike has an illusion, you have reality. May you find your way as pleasant."

_(((………………………………………………._

_Okay…uh….okay…sorry….I'm momentarily blinded by the nuclear explosion of SLASH that just punched me in the FACE. This is so overwhelming that I'm having a hard time processing it. Am I the only who's dumbstruck right now? Seriously…I never realized just how unbelievably in-your-face this was._

_We see Pike and the blonde go off into the sunset, then the Talosian comments that Pike has an illusion and Kirk has reality._

_Pike's illusion? The blonde (and everything else, but we see him go off with the blonde)_

_Kirk's reality? Spock. - That is not hard to figure out._

_The Talosian then wishes that Kirk finds his way just as pleasant._

_Let's talk about what the Talosian knows: EVERYTHING. There, that was easy._

_The Talosian just wished Kirk well in his pursuit of Spock, and look at Kirk's face when she does! He's wearing the most "fuck yeah, I'm gonna go get my reality" face that I've EVER seen. He even SETS HIS JAW in determination!_

_And Roddenberry was the ONLY writer for this episode!!!!_

_And the episode after this is MOTHERFUCKING SHORE LEAVE!!_

_And the WRITER of THAT episode was known for putting GAY SUBTEXT into his WORK!!!!!!!_

_AHHHHHHHHHHHHHDJKSHNFJDA:GN EJR:DGN !!!!!!!!!!_

_::explodes::)))_

End of episode…and Brittany's sanity…give her a minute, though…she'll be back.

Slash Overload…it's brutal.

* * *

**Score!**

Episode Specific:

Episodes left until Shore Leave – 0

Original tv pilots shown as "technologically advanced record footage" - 1

Episode stats that matter more than the first one – 0

General:

Nothing, actually…


	17. 1x17 Shore Leave

**Author's Note: **Okay people, I hope you're fed and hydrated, 'cause shit is about to get INTENSE. This is by FAR the longest chapter yet.

This episode contains what they call an "epic slash." And by 'they' I mean 'I just made that term up and I like it so DEAL.'

What you are about to see is something that has single handedly changed people's minds about Kirk and Spock all over Youtube. Why? Partly because of the inarguable in-your-face slashist behavior, partly because Amok Time is forty seven minutes long and Youtube vids can only be up to ten minutes.

Brace yourself, gents. Brace. Yourself.

Oh and if you're in the mood for dramatic, romantic, slashy goodness, pretty please take a look at the Kirk/Spock video that I just made: http://www. Youtube .com/watch?v=LA1JbtCiDrc

Just take the spaces out from around 'youtube' and you're all set. Be sure to drop a comment and let me know you're from !

/end whoring

* * *

**Season One, Episode Seventeen: Shore Leave**

_(((Now I've said this before, but when I describe things for this commentary, I do not embellish. I describe what's there. Because of this particular scene, however, I feel the need to stress that I. do not. embellish. If any of the language seems descriptive and fancy, it's because I'm a writer. Describing shit and making it sound good is what I do, and this scene calls for some more intriguing language than just 'Spock moved here, then did this.')))_

_(((It'll be easiest to attack the following scene by explaining what's about to happen, and then pointing out the bits that prove it along the way._

_You are about to see James T. Kirk try to execute a diabolical plan. The goal of said plan? Get Mr. Spock to touch him, right there on the bridge. You are also about to watch Spock be painfully aware of said plan, and make a point to NOT fall for it because, well they're on the BRIDGE…and it's also a pretty lame plan. =P )))_

Kirk is in his chair, looking over and signing a report from a cute little brunette Yeoman who's at his left. Spock walks around and stands behind him.

"Anything from the landing party?" Kirk asks dutifully as he keeps his eyes on the report.

Spock replies with, "Should be sending up a report momentarily, captain."

_(((Still business as usual…but not for long.)))_

Kirk finishes with the report and hands it to the Yeoman, who steps up behind his chair and next to Spock. As this happens, Kirk's back stiffens and he lets out a small groan of pain.

"Something wrong?" Spock asks.

"A kink in my back," Kirk answers, his eyes drifting around the room.

_(((Look at the way he says that line and the way he looks about the room. Captain Sexy Pants' back is just fine, folks. He also doesn't "stiffen up in pain" until Spock is right behind him. The chick is still by his side the moment he's all "zomg my BACK, if ONLY someone would TOUCH me. WhatEVER am I to DO?")))_

The Yeoman, being a good girl, starts to help out her captain by massaging his back. Kirk is not bothered by the physical contact at all.

_(((What's this? A glimpse of lady lovin' Kirk? NEIN!!! As he is about to prove, he thinks SPOCK is the one doing the touchy touchy.)))_

"That's it, a little higher please," Kirk says, guiding his masseuse.

Spock's eyebrow shoots skyward.

_(((Spock seems to find this interesting, and a bit annoying. Why? Because he KNOWS what Kirk is up to, and he's not about to fall for something so blatant RIGHT THERE on the bridge.)))_

"…push…push harder…"

_(((NOW Spock is really annoyed. The second Kirk says the first 'push' Spock rolls his eyes. What he's communicating at that moment is "oh Christ, you actually think this is WORKING? What a _human_.")))_

Spock steps down into Kirk's view.

_(((And he does this on PURPOSE, to show Kirk that it's NOT HIM. How do we know this? Because he moves to step down BEFORE Kirk says 'Mr. Sp-.' The clear intention, on Spock's part, was to send up a flare and go, "Uh, hey, I'm not touching you, and your plan is made of SUCK."_

_This is undeniable proof that Spock __**knew**__ alllll along that Kirk __**thought**__ it was SPOCK. And with Spock's behavior, it's also clear that Kirk pulls this shit all the time. Maybe not to this extent, but since Kirk is normally the one to initiate the cuteness or flirting, we know that, as far as this case of sexual tension goes, Kirk is the one trying get a reaction out of Spock, and Spock is all too familiar with this game._

_However, you have to wake up pretty early to fool the Vulcan, and Kirk is clearly a late sleeper. =P )))_

"Dig it in there Mr. Sp-" Kirk begins, but seeing the truth stops him mid-sentence.

_(((And BOOM, there you have it. Undeniable PROOF that Kirk thought it was SPOCK doing the touching. He also seemed to be enjoying himself, especially with the way he says "Dig it in there." And that. is. delicious._

_Hmmm, how does Kirk react to getting caught, I wonder?)))_

Kirk freezes for a moment.

"Thank you Yeoman," he says to the brunette, his tone now professional, "that's sufficient."

_(((HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD RIGHT AND GAY DO PEOPLE NOT CATCH THIS?!?! IT'S ABOUT AS SUBTLE AS A MOOSE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM, PEOPLE!!!_

_And for those who would view a moose in your living room as 'subtle,' YOU. NEED. TO. __**MOVE.**_

_Kirk freezes. He _freezes_. We're talking deer-in-the-headlights, oh-crap-my-plan-to-get-a-little-Vulcan-lovin'-failed-miserably FREEZES. Then, his speaking tone COMPLETELY changes, and he orders the Yeoman to stop._

_He orders. the Yeoman. to stop._

_Some people like to say that Kirk stopped her because it looked inappropriate/sexist/whatever to have a woman massaging him. To this I say in a polite British accent: Are you a fucking loon? __**She**__**reached for him**__, if there was something socially awkward about it then she wouldn't have freaking done it in the first place. She would've looked around like "well what do I do? I can't touch him, it'd be like _totally_ inappropriate" but she DIDN'T. She just dove right in. She's a servant, it's her gig._

_Really people, think about it. If he had really been in pain, if all this was just an honest "ow, someone help" thing, then he would have let her keep going. Him mistaking her for Spock would've been an innocent mistake and that would've been that. It may have looked something like this:_

_******_

_Kirk: "Dig it in there, Mr. Sp- Oh, it's not you. Sorry. Fatigue and all that."_

_Spock: "Quite alright."_

_-Kirk goes on with his massage-_

_******_

_And that would've been a perfectly legitimate way to run the scene. It would have transitioned smoothly into "hey you need rest" and the point would've been made. But NO, it didn't happen that way. Why? Because Kirk has a BIG FAT ADORABLE DEVOTED HOT SEXUAL ROMANTIC OBVIOUS PASSIONATE __**CRUSH**__ on SPOCK._

_And this is what people who like other people do, they play little games. They put on little tests. 'If I do this, will he do this?' and such. We all do it, and so does Kirk and Spock. A lot._

_A "bromance?" _

_YEAH, RIGHT._

_Take out the 'B' and we'll talk.)))_

The Yeoman does as she's told. Kirk and Spock trade glances then, and Kirk accepts the fact that he lost this round.

_(((And when I say 'accepts the fact he lost this round,' I mean it. The trade of looks is the nail in the big gay coffin. Spock looks at him like, "Did you REALLY just try something that lame?" And Kirks looks at him like, "I tried…and yeah I failed.")))_

_(((A lot of people think that Spock looks at the camera after looking at Kirk, but I have to disagree. His eyes look around, and definitely in the direction of the camera, and he comes really close, but it doesn't look like it was intentional at all, just Spock looking around the room.)))_

_(((Oh, and my mind _would_ be reeling, but due to the recent tornado of GAY that just blew through here, it fainted. No worries, it'll wake up eventually. At least, you know…it should.)))_

The Yeoman gently offers her advice, "You need sleep, captain. It's not out of line to suggest-"

"I have enough of that from Dr. McCoy, Yeoman, thank you," Kirk says, shutting her down but not in any kind of rude way.

Spock seems unaffected as he agrees with the doctor, "Dr. McCoy is correct, captain. After what this ship has been through in the last three months there's not a crewman aboard who is not in need of a little rest. Myself excepted, of course."

_(((Watching Kirk during Spock's bit of dialogue is hi-larious. God bless Shatner for this, 'cause it's awesome. Kirk is clearly trying to NOT look like he just experienced an EPIC fail. 'What? Yeah I'm listening. I'm cool. I'm calm. I'm a friggin' captain. Nothing awkward here. Noooope, not at all. Not. At. All.'_

Spock goes back to his console then, and Kirk looks down and smiles to himself.

_(((Some people say Kirk is looking at Spock's ass, but I don't think so. With the way it happens, Kirk is looking down in response to what Spock has just said, same with the grin. Oh hey yeah, let's talk about that GRIN. His whole expression is just flat out coquettish…only he's, you know…a dude. His expression is so clearly, "See, THAT'S why I like you so much." _

_It's also a sign that, while he's lost this battle, he will not lose this war!!!! WOO!!!_

_Now, I know I've told you to do this for me before, but humor me one more time with feeling: Picture this scene with Spock as a woman. Any woman._

……………………………………

_It's allllll starting make sense now, isn't it?)))_

_(((Also, in case some of you are wondering, this happens in an episode of Star Trek: The Original Series. It's official. It's canon. There's no getting around that one, so put that in your juice box and SUCK IT.)))_

Kirk runs off to his quarters, probably to recover from the overwhelming scent of FAIL that's stinking up the bridge right now.

_(((For those keeping score, that is Spock – 1, Kirk – 0.)))_

Now we get to see the Planet Du Jour. It's green, it's lush, it's idyllic, you can almost _see_ Kirk and Spock frolicking together. No wait, that's McCoy and Sulu…and they're not frolicking, they're talking. Whups.

They both marvel at the planet's beauty, McCoy mentions how it looks like something out of Alice in Wonderland, and Sulu scampers off to get samples of bushes, trees, flowers, you know…manly stuff.

Now alone, McCoy suddenly sees a man in a rabbit suit! He runs off, and then a little blonde girl in a blue dress pops up and runs after the man in the rabbit suit!! W. T. F?

Titles!

_(((So….McCoy THOUGHT about something…and it APPEARED?)))_

We come back from titles to see Kirk in his quarters with the Yeoman. She mentions that Kirk's name isn't on any of the lists of landing parties.

Kirk: "I might be tired, Yeoman, but I'm not falling apart. Dismissed."

_(((Hm…looks like the captain wants to stay aboard. Who else is staying aboard? Spock? Nahhhh, that'd be way too telling and in-your-face._

_OH WAIT.)))_

As the Yeoman exits, Spock enters.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, we're beaming down the starboard section first. Which section would you like to go with?"

_(((Kirk, you know damn well that Spock has no intention of taking shore leave. He just said that he was the only one who didn't need rest, for chrissakes! _

_So then, whyyyyy is Kirk asking Spock anyway? To toy with him. A.g.a.i.n.)))_

Spock: "Not necessary in my case, captain. On my planet, to rest is to _rest_. To cease using energy. To me it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass using energy instead of saving it."

_(((What's cute about this bit isn't just Spock (although when is he NOT cute, really). Check out Kirk during Spock's explanation. Starting from 'on my planet,' Kirk is looking down and simply…smiling. He knew exactly what Spock was going to say and how he was going to say it, and that just makes Kirk _glow _with fondness. This is another "THAT'S why I like you" moment for the cap'n. _

_Gay what? Slash what?)))_

McCoy contacts Kirk from the planet's surface then, to INSIST on having a plot for this episode.

_(((I would have been perfectly fine with Spock and Kirk making googly eyes at each other for another forty minutes but whateva.)))_

McCoy asks if Kirk had planned on beaming down, and Kirk says that he hadn't planned to. McCoy then goes into his "holy shit a BUNNY" story.

_(((Yes, we were supposed to take the Man in a Modified Easter Bunny Outfit as a real rabbit._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk doesn't entirely believe McCoy (would you?) and he politely cuts the transmission. Kirk thinks that McCoy is just trying to make the planet seem uber fascinating to get Kirk to take some shore leave.

Spock: "Very well captain. Something I did come to discuss."

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock, what is it?"

Spock: "I picked this up from Dr. McCoy's log. We have a crewmember aboard who's showing signs of stress and fatigue. Reaction time down 9-12%. Associational rating norm minus three."

Kirk: "That's much too low a rating."

Spock: "He's becoming irritable and quarrelsome, yet he refuses to take rest and rehabilitation. Now he has that right, but we've found-"

Kirk: "A crewman's right ends when the safety of the ship begins. Now that man will go ashore on my orders. What's his name?"

Spock: "James Kirk."

_(((James Tiberius Kirk, you have been SPOWNED.)))_

_(((That's right, Spock had an ulterior motive going the second he entered Kirk's quarters, and it all came out flawlessly. He celebrates his victory too, honoring us with a nice, lovely, yummy little smile after his master plan (unlike Kirk's) has been fabulously executed. _

_Spock had a couple of messages to communicate to Kirk with this bit:_

_Spock wanted to make sure that Kirk took his freakin' vacation time because he knew he needed it. And since we know that these two are pretty darn good at reading each others' behavior, it's a safe bet to think of this trick as saying "You are not going to waste your shore leave up here flirting with me, mister, now you get your cute butt down to that planet and HAVE FUN."_

…_or you know…something like that. _

_Oh, his other message? Well Kirk tried a devious little plan of his own not five minutes ago, so the other message would be something along the lines of: "Don't play a player."_

_XD )))_

_(((A BIG round of applause to Shatner for his reaction to getting his ass epically handed to him. And also if you look closely…after he squints his eyes…he grins every so slightly. That tiny, tiny grin says it all. Bwehehehe…)))_

As Spock talks about how lovely and peaceful the planet is reported to be, the director decided to emphasize Spock's words with the shot of the planet's serene pond, lush greens, and a pistol hiding under a rock.

_(((…wait…)))_

Now we get to see a random crewman and a random crewchick talking about the report that's due. Then Kirk and the brunette Yeoman beam down, find out where McCoy is from the random crewman, and head on over.

Once McCoy is found, he shows Kirk the huge rabbit's footprint and now Kirk is starting to take McCoy's story just a tad more seriously. He puts shore leave on hold until this is figured out.

_((('Cause who wants an entire crew of 'ZOMG BUNNY!!' people? Srsly.)))_

A gun shot is heard then, and Kirk/McCoy/Yeoman go running towards the shots.

_(((It's quite the epic shot, actually, for how simple it is. Well done, cinematographer.)))_

They find Sulu firing off some shots from the old school pistol-that-was-under-a-rock just for the hell of it, and he tells them he'd always wanted a gun like it and just found it lying around.

_(((So…Sulu was THINKING about something…and it APPEARED?)))_

They see the rabbit tracks, and Kirk makes sure that absolutely no animal life forms were supposed to be on this planet, which McCoy confirms. Then they split up, Yeoman with Sulu and Kirk and McCoy and go off to investigate.

Kirk and McCoy walk along, and someone on the filming crew (we'll call him Bob) thought this would be a good time to stick an antennae in front of the camera. Way to be a douche, Bob.

As Kirk and McCoy head back to where they started, they decide to chat.

Kirk: "Making out to be one very unusual shore leave."

_(((And Kirk didn't even see Bob shove that dumb antennae thing- I mean ANTENNAE OF TERROR into the frame.)))_

McCoy: "Well, it could've been worse."

Kirk: "How?"

McCoy: "_You_ could've seen the rabbit."

Kirk: "What's the matter, Bones, you getting a persecution complex?"

McCoy: "Well yeah, I'm beginning to feel a little bit picked on, if that's what you mean."

_(((This is all pretty lighthearted, by the way. Don't worry, McCoy isn't going all emo on your ass.)))_

Kirk: "I know the feeling very well, I had it at the Academy."

_(((Whaaaaaat? Captain Sexy Pants was picked on in school? _

…………………

_AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.)))_

Kirk: "An upperclassmen there…one practical joke after another and always on me. My own personal devil. A guy by the name of Finnigan."

_(((Uh…just FYI…Kirk doesn't look like he's remembering an old enemy during this dialogue. He looks like he's remembering someone he was…fond of…::cough::)))_

McCoy: "You being the very serious young cadet."

Kirk: "Serious? I'll make a confession, Bones, I was absolutely grim, which delighted Finnigan no end."

_(((GET BACK. Kirk was SERIOUS at the Academy?_

_This is the one aspect I wish they had kept in the new movie, but I can completely understand why they didn't. They couldn't have both Spock and Kirk start out serious, the original pilot of TOS showed us what happens when you have two serious leads. But still…it would've been adorable to see a serious, nerdy Kirk working away at the Academy. Teehee.)))_

Kirk: "He was the kind of guy that'd put a bowl of cold soup on your bed, or a bucket of water propped on a half open door. I never knew where he'd strike next."

Kirk sees more tracks then, and also the girl's footprints. Kirk sends McCoy after the rabbit and goes after the girl. After they split up, it doesn't take long for Kirk to run into…Finnigan!!!

_(((So…Kirk THOUGHT about something…and it APPEARED?)))_

And in possibly the worst moment of stage combat in the series, Finnigan punches Kirk in one direction and Kirk flies back in the opposite one.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Finnigan is literally begging for a fight, and after a moment of contemplation, Kirk smiles widely and dives in.

_(((What gives with the smile, Kirk? Were you just aching for a fight? I guess boys like to do that kind of thing but…hmm…)))_

Kirk doesn't have time to really get into it, though, because a woman screams and he runs off to find her 'cause…well he's KIRK. Duh.

Cue another epic shot of Kirk running.

Kirk meets up with McCoy on the way, and they find the Yeoman crying and hysterical, with a ripped uniform. She says she was attacked by a guy who McCoy says sounds like Don Juan. This makes sense to the Yeoman because she was thinking about Don Juan before, you know, _Don Juan_ popped up.

_(((So…the Yeoman THOUGHT about something…and it APPEARED?_

…………_._

……………………

………………………

_Is NOBODY gonna connect the fucking dots here?!?!?!)))_

She says that Sulu ran off after Don Juan, and Kirk goes running off after Sulu. As he does this, Bob pokes the antennae into the frame AGAIN.

_(((DAMNIT, Bob! Cut it out!! GAWD.)))_

Kirk doesn't find Sulu, but he does find a very pretty flower that he takes the time to examine. Then he looks up and BAM, a pretty lady. He's stunned, bewildered, simply in awe of this woman.

_(((So…Kirk THOUGHT about something…and it APPEARED?_

_But hey, at least Kirk realizes this blatantly OBVIOUS connection between Finnigan's appearance and this chick's. Oh no wait he doesn't._

_::Headdesk:: )))_

The pretty lady walks towards Kirk. Kirk stares.

_(((Aaaaaand….who the fuck is she?)))_

Kirk: "Ruth…?"

_(((Oh, Ruth._

…………

…_.aaaaaaand….who the fuck is Ruth?)))_

Ruth: "Jim, darling, it is me. It _is_ Ruth."

_(((That's a fabulous name hon, really, but WHO ARE YOU??!)))_

They then proceed to make out like teenagers in a movie theater.

Oh wait, no, she kisses his cheek for an awkwardly long amount of time while we fade to commercial.

_(((Look at how this whole bit, and really everything concerning Ruth, is handled. She looks like a goddess, Kirk is in awe of her, he looks at her as if she's some kind of divine being._

_Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we're meeting Kirk's first love.)))_

Back from commercial, Kirk tries to contact McCoy, but then remembers that Ruth is like RIGHT THERE and gazing at her is wayyyy more important right now.

Kirk: "Ruth…"

_(((We KNOW her NAME, move ON.)))_

Kirk: "Ruth, how can it be you?"

_(((Be WHO?!?! WHO. IS. SHE??????)))_

Kirk: "How can you possibly be here?"

_(((Could you have manifested from a mere thought like Finnigan, the rabbit, Alice, Don Juan, and the gun?_

……

_Nah.)))_

Kirk: "You haven't aged. It's been fifteen years."

Ruth: "It doesn't matter. None of that matters."

_(((Okay, so more proof about the whole First Love thing. Kirk is about 35, which means he knew Ruth when he was about 20, which is about the time one experiences a real first love. Also, he just can't seem to believe that she's there…as he states. This makes me think that she either died, or something realllly bad happened between them that was awful enough for him to never expect to see her again._

_He treats her with a sort of reverence, the same kind of awe and fondness that we tend to remember our first love with. Even though it's never explicitly stated who the HELL she is or how the HELL they know each other, Kirk's behavior pretty much does the explaining for us. It's called acting. Shatner could do it.)))_

McCoy chimes in on the communicator then to ask if Kirk had, you know, found the MISSING CREWMEMBER.

Kirk is too busy gaaaaazing at Ruth to be of any help regarding Sulu, and then random crewman Rodriguez speaks up on the communicator to say that he saw a flock of birds which is just a touch weird since they're initial analysis was that there was NO LIFEFORMS on the planet.

Kirk, however, is still useless thanks to Ruth's ethereal affect on him. Well maybe not _totally_ useless, 'cause he orders for everyone to meet back up at the glade to figure out what the crap is up with this planet.

Ruth: "You have to go?"

Kirk: "I don't want to."

Ruth: "You'll see me again if you want to."

Kirk: "You haven't told me…

_(((How you're on this planet.)))_

Kirk: "you haven't told me…

_(((What our back story is.)))_

Kirk: "you haven't…told me…"

_(((A DAMN THING.)))_

Ruth: "Do what you have to do, and I'll be waiting."

Kirk: "Ruth…"

_(((Kirk, love you to pieces, but if you just say her name ONE. MORE. TIME. I swear to GOD.)))_

Ruth wanders off, and Kirk's communicator chirps to life again. Who is it this time? Spock.

_(((HA, and you thought there was no way for Spock to pop up after this Kirk/chick scene to snap the captain out of it. FOOLS!! XD )))_

Spock says that he's detected some kind of power field that's draining the Enterprise's, well, power. It's even started to affect communications, and it seems to be coming from below the planet's surface, oh and it seems like industrial activity. Kirk is worried now, and he walks off until the scene transitions into- DAMNIT BOB!!!

Now we get to watch McCoy work his magic on the pretty Yeoman, and the pretty Yeoman seems to like McCoy's brand of magic.

_(((Behold, McCoy working his game. You go, doctor. XD )))_

She mentions how, in a place like this, a girl should be dressed like a fairytale princess and *poof* she finds a dress for such a princess a little down the path.

_(((So…the Yeoman THOUGHT about something…and it APPEARED?_

_Is anybody gonna, I dunno, CATCH ON this time???_

………_no?_

_Oy.)))_

Yeoman goes all squee for this stuff and McCoy encourages her to try it on.

_(((I kinda like the Yeoman, actually. She's cute, she's not entirely stupid, and her love for fantastical things is endearing to me…probably because I love fantastical things too. =D )))_

As the Yeoman changes, McCoy gets the call to rendezvous at the glade where everyone first arrived.

Cut to a random tiger threatening the random crewman and random crewchick.

Cut back to McCoy and the Yeoman. She's in full princess costume now, and she looks quite stunning.

Cut to Kirk walking along the planet and talking to Spock via communicator.

Kirk: "You're the science officer, Spock, I want some answers. First there was McCoy's Alice in Wonderland when there's supposedly no animal life, then Sulu's gun when there's no refined metal detected, Rodriguez's birds, and then my…well the two people I saw."

_(((What's THIS, Kirk? You don't want to tell Spock who you've seen? Now WHY wouldn't you WANT to do THAT???)))_

Spock: "Any chance these could be hallucinations?"

_(((FINALLY, somebody offers up an actual theory as to what the fuck is going on.)))_

Kirk: "One hallucination flattened me with a clap on the jaw, and the other…"

_(((Hm? What? You STILL don't wanna tell Spock about seeing your first love? Really? Fascinating…)))_

Spock: "That sounds like a painful reality."

Kirk: "Yes…"

_(((Now, when Kirk says 'yes' he's clearly not referring to Finnigan as his painful reality, he's referring to Ruth. Spock has no way of knowing that, but we do._

_What exactly was so painful about Ruth? GOOD. QUESTION. We don't know.)))_

Spock asks Kirk to turn up the gain on his communicator because the connection isn't that great, but it's already on maximum so oh well. Kirk then says that they don't need any support beamed down 'cause they've got phasers and besides there hasn't been any real danger anyway.

Cue the real danger.

Sulu is walking along when…a samurai pops out of the ground and attacks!! OCTOLIEBE!!

Sulu tries to fire his phaser but it just kind of says "um…no" and he makes a run for it.

Kirk is trying to talk to McCoy via communicator but it just kind of says "um…no" and Sulu runs over.

Together they state the facts: Phasers don't work, communicators don't work, Sulu saw a samurai.

Then someone starts to beam down! It's Spock!

It takes him quite a few moments to beam down, a sure sign that something's wrong.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, my orders were that no one was to leave the ship."

_(((But I'm not gonna say that in an authoritative way because you're looking particularly cute today. I mean what?)))_

Spock: "Necessary, captain. Unable to contact you by communicator and the transporter is useless to us now."

_(((So let me get this straight, you weren't able contact Kirk for like half a minute so you hopped into the BROKEN transporter to beam down to the planet of CRAZY?_

_That's very logical, Spock, and in no way telling of how amazingly worried and meotional you are when it comes to a certain captain's well being.)))_

Spock: "As I told you before, there's an unusual power field down here. It's soaking up all the energy at the source. Calculated the rate of its growth and reasoned that I just might be able to transport one more person."

_(((Translation: The thought of you in trouble worried me to the point of acting emotionally but I'm gonna toss out a lame excuse so I can save face. K? K.)))_

Meanwhile McCoy and the Yeoman get to the rendezvous point and they start hearing something moving around. The Yeoman's all "I r scared!" and McCoy's all "its otay, I iz knite!"

_(((That was Star Trek as re-enacted by lolcats, ladies and gentlemen.)))_

Cut to Kirk/Sulu/Spock hearing the tiger making tiger-appropriate noises.

Kirk: "Spread out! Let's find it."

Sulu then goes off in his own direction, and Kirk goes off in his own direction…and Spock follows closely behind Kirk.

_(((Uh, Spock? He said 'spread out' not 'cling to your one true love.'_

_I can see how you misheard though, they sound exactly the same.)))_

Cut to McCoy and the Yeoman, where a knight comes out of nowhere and starts riding towards them.

_(((So…McCoy THOUGHT about something…and- oh fuck it.)))_

McCoy assures the Yeoman that it's just a hallucination and those can't hurt you. He then proves this by standing in front of the knight and getting jousted to death.

_(((…wait…)))_

Kirk then guns down the knight with the gun he got from Sulu (the phasers are busted, remember?) and both he and Spock run to McCoy's side…to find him dead.

_(((Kirk has a great moment of inner turmoil here. Go Shatner.)))_

We come back from commercial to find Yeoman/Kirk/Spock still grieving. Kirk has to pull the Yeoman, and himself, together.

Sulu calls Kirk over and points out that the dead knight doesn't look terribly human anymore, more mannequin like. Kirk calls Spock over and he waves the glorified tape recorder- I mean the tricorder over the knight.

Spock then explains that the knight seems to be made of what everything else is made of: engineered multi-cellular castings. Something is making all this.

Kirk: "How? What? And why these particular things?"

_(((Oh for the love of- IT CREATES WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT, GODDAMNIT!!! THERE, I SAID IT!!!_

_JESUS.)))_

Meanwhile, the random crewman and random crewchick now see an old school plane flying overhead, which is weird 'cause the random crewman had just finished talking to the random crewchick about it! Like wow!

_(((Oy, goyem.)))_

But no worries, the crewman says that it can't hurt them unless it makes a 'strafing run,' which is the maneuver used by planes to attack people on the ground.

The plane then begins a strafing run.

Well…shit.

The plane flies over Kirk/Spock and company as well and while they're all mesmerized, McCoy's body vanishes, as does the knight's.

They all look around like o.O for a few seconds, then Kirk walks up to Spock.

Kirk: "Spock."

Spock: "At this point, captain, my analysis will not sound very scientific."

Kirk: "McCoy's death is a scientific fact."

Spock: "There's one slight possibility, very slim but nonetheless…Captain, what were your thoughts just before you encountered the people you described?"

_(((SHAJFKNEJRGTKRFK FINALLY!!! JESUS MARY AND BOB SOMEBODY GOT IT!!!!!!!)))_

Kirk: "I was…I was thinking about the Academy."

_(((And he's STILL avoiding the subject of Ruth. _

_Spock may say 'people you described' but we know he hasn't described both of them to Spock yet, so he was really just saying Kirk described seeing some folks, but not the folks themselves so much.)))_

_(((Kirk also walks forward as he says this, which is a classic dramatic move in this show (and many others). )))_

Just then Finnigan pops up, and Kirk demands to know what's been happening to his people. Finnigan merely laughs like a wild man and runs off. Kirk orders for Spock to take Sulu and find McCoy's body, then runs off after Finnigan.

Spock: "Captain, wait!"

_(((You haven't told me WHAT THE FUCK is going on!!!)))_

Kirk chases Finnigan, and once again he appears to be enjoying it, smiling and what not.

_(((Kirk definitely isn't acting like Finnigan is a guy he used to hate…hmmm…the mind stirs…Does it reel? Possibly…)))_

Kirk finally catches up to him and they have a knock down drag out punch fest.

Finnigan wins!

Then Kirk attacks again.

Kirk wins!

Then Finnigan attacks again.

Finnigan wins!

Then, to stop the cycle before it becomes something crazy like REPETITIVE, Kirk demands answers.

Then Finnigan attacks again.

Kirk wins!

Finnigan: "That kind of makes up for things."

Kirk: "A lot of things."

_(((A lot of things like what? WHAT?!?!)))_

Kirk tries to get some answers from Finnigan, who refuses to really give a straight answer. Then, with a big ol' smile, Kirk knocks the guy out.

Spock: "Did you enjoy it, captain?"

_(((WTF??? Spock, where the shit did you come from and how long have you been watching?!?!)))_

Kirk: "Yes, I enjoyed it."

_(((Kirk doesn't react to Spock's sudden presence…which means he knew he was there. There's no solid theory behind this…it's just…odd.)))_

Kirk: "We're all meeting people and things that we happen to be thinking about at the moment."

_(((Old news, Kirk. _

_Old. Fucking. News.)))_

Spock starts explaining what we've already figured, and when he cites Rodriguez's tiger as an example, the tiger pops up.

They run off to go find the landing party, during which the plane from earlier flies over head, executing another strafing run.

Kirk and Spock seek cover, clutching each other and not fully letting go for about twenty seconds.

_(((Tiger rental: $500_

_Replacement shirts for the captain: $2,000_

_Completely unnecessary fondling between two men known for flirting with each other: Priceless.)))_

Kirk and Spock encounter the samurai during their run from the plane, but Kirk knocks him down with a good body charge to the gut.

_(((It's very 'Kthxbai.'_

_Love it.)))_

Cut to the Yeoman, who has changed back into her torn uniform. Don Juan shows up and grabs her. Sulu and the random crewman start to challenge him, but Don Juan doesn't run off until Kirk and Spock show up and he sees that he's really outnumbered. Kirk then gathers everyone together and tells them to act like a Lohan and stop thinking.

And then, because there's only a few minutes left in the episode and shit needs to be EXPLAINED, a man with gray hair and a green robe ::cough:: dress ::cough:: comes out of nowhere. He introduces himself as the caretaker of the planet and says that "they" have only just figured out that Kirk and his crew don't know what's going on. All of these things were supposed to amuse them, you see, as they can imagine anything they like and it will materialize.

_(((::Yawn:: Ye olde duh.)))_

Spock: "The term is 'amusement park.' An old earth name for a place where people could go to see and do all sorts of fascinating things."

_(((Yes, that's right. A planet-sized amusement park. Shut up, it's creative…especially for the 60s._

……

_Yay 60s.)))_

Sulu asks that, as advanced as the people of this planet are, that they still need to play?

Kirk: "Yes, play, Mr. Sulu. More complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play."

_(((Then why doesn't Spock need to play like all the time?_

_I guess the way he plays with Kirk is enough to satisfy. =P_

_But really, this comment more reflects on Kirk. We all know how badly he needs a rest, and its because his mind is, indeed, complex. Yay, point of the episode!)))_

McCoy pops up then, escorted by two girls who are apparently on a break from their Las Vegas Muppet Show.

_(((Yay, McCoy's alive!!! Are you surprised? I'm not.)))_

McCoy talks about the awesome factory they have beneath the surface, where he was taken for repairs. The Yeoman gets a little touchy at the sight of McCoy with other women, and McCoy dismisses them. One goes to Sulu, who smiles. The other goes to Spock, who's unaffected.

_(((Big shock there.)))_

Cut to Kirk staring in Spock's direction.

_(((Obvious much, Kirk?)))_

_(((And don't try to tell me that he was staring at the chick. Up until this point in the series, the odds that he's looking at Spock with a girl instead of just the girl are wayyyy better than vice versa.)))_

Kirk asks what planet the Mysterious Dude is from, and he says that they're not really advanced enough to understand.

_(((Translation: The writer didn't have time to think about that so you just get to stay in the dark.)))_

Uhura contacts Kirk via the now-working communicator, and The Mysterious Dude says that the crew might enjoy their shore leave here.

McCoy: "It's what the doctor ordered, Jim."

_(((::winces:: And we got so close to the finish line without tripping over any outwardly painful lines.)))_

Kirk then orders for everyone to start beaming down.

Spock hands the girl on his arm over to Sulu.

Spock: "Captain, I'll go back aboard ship and take over, with all due respects to the young lady. I've…already had as much shore leave as I care for."

_(((O rly, Spock? You're not tempted by gorgeous half naked women AT ALL, even though we know that you can be affected by somebody if you WANT to be?_

_Whups, there goes my mind, reeling into oblivion again.)))_

Kirk: "No, Mr. Spock. I'll go, you-"

Kirk then sees Ruth standing a ways behind Spock and immediately goes into hypno-mode.

Kirk: "On the other hand, I'll stay for a day or two."

Kirk walks over to Ruth then, and all we see is the back of Spock's head as he looks back at Ruth.

_(((We never see Spock's expression…which just kills me. Although it's not hard to figure out that his face must have be wearing the "and who the fuck is THIS BITCH?" expression.)))_

_(((Okay, so Kirk goes off to be with the imaginary first love for a while. Given their behavior together in this episode, I'm willing to bet considerable money that their time together looks like this:_

_Kirk: "….Ruth…"_

_Ruth: "I'm here."_

_Kirk: "………Is it you?"_

_Ruth: "Yes."_

_Kirk: "……Ruth."_

_/end scene)))_

Transition to a day or two later. Spock is at his console, working. Kirk/Sulu/McCoy/Yeoman all arrive on the bridge with dreamy looks on their faces as Kirk takes his seat. Spock gets up when he sees them.

_(((The camera is panning away as Spock gets up, but he seems a little…affected…by seeing him. And not in the cute 'zomg Kirk' way, in the 'I don't want to know what you did with that random chick I know nothing about' way. Poor Spock. =( )))_

Spock: "Did you enjoy your rest, gentlemen?"

Kirk: "Yes…we did, Mr. Spock."

Kirk looks at McCoy, then back at Spock.

_(((And boy does he LOOK BACK AT SPOCK. That look absolutely wreaks of "guess what I did…go ahead…guess." I'll delve into that here in a second.)))_

Spock: "Most illogical."

They laugh then and the group breaks up, but Kirk seems to get the most enjoyment out of the moment.

_(((Okay, so what I'm about to suggest is almost completely speculation…so bear with me._

_We don't see any of Kirk's official shore leave. He could have imagined anyone or anything he wanted to. The obvious conclusion is that he spent all of his time with Ruth, and that's completely viable and most likely._

…_.but…_

_That LOOK that Kirk throws Spock's way, and the way he _especially_ enjoys Spock's "most illogical" comment makes me think that maybe Kirk imagined someone other than Ruth for a while, eh? I mean, a guy can only gaze and mutter a woman's name for so long, yes? Right?_

_Again, it's almost total speculation…but the writer of this episode (besides Roddenberry of course) was known for sliding in gay subtext…so who knows. It's a pretty weak theory, and I'm not trying to say that it holds any REAL substantial weight, but there's nothing that completely disproves it either. ::shrugs:: Just a thought.  
_

_The mind…it almost wants to reel… =D )))_

Thus endeth Shore Leave!!!

* * *

**Score Time!**

Episode Specific:

Times Bob was a Douche: 3

Times Kirk said Ruth's Name: 378

General:

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 9

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 3

**************In all seriousness, the reviews for this project has turned into one of the greatest discussion/info boards I've ever seen for any fandom. SO MUCH truly staggering information is dropping and, and you can bet that I'm gathering it all up (plus more) to put into the Misc. Evidence/Info chapter that's gonna follow the TOS analyzation. Your insights, comments, and just general fun loving awesomeness is so wonderful to see, and there's more lurkers coming out of the woodwork to comment with each passing day! Join the fun, people, we don't bite! =D


	18. 1x18 Squire of Gothos

**Author's Note: **::Throws confetti:: This project now has more than 200 reviews!!! You guys are AMAZING! ::Dances::

Also, I have a brand spankin' new K/S vid about The Search for Spock, if you want to take a look-see: http://www. youtube .com/watch?v=OoEpjggncoI

Just take the spaces around 'youtube' out and you're good to go. I'd love to hear your feedback! =D

P.S. – You know you're too absorbed in this project when you automatically want to put three parentheses around things instead of just one. o.O

* * *

**Season One, Episode Eighteen: The Squire of Gothos**

All is well and good on the Enterprise as they journey to drop supplies at Colony Beta 6 across a "void" in space. McCoy is standing to Kirk's left, and Spock joins them, standing just behind the captain's chair.

McCoy: "The word conjures up pictures of dunes, oasis, mirages…"

Kirk: "…sunlight, palm trees. We're nine hundred light years from that kind of desert, Bones."

_(((You guys are getting all fond and reminiscent over DESERTS?)))_

Spock: "The precise meaning of the word 'desert' is a waterless, barren wasteland. I fail to understand your romantic nostalgia for such a place."

_(((I'm with you on this one, Spock, which is apparently 'weird' because deserts are apparently 'fabulous.')))_

Kirk, who's been smiling to himself for a little bit now, takes a sip of his drink.

_(((Yup, Kirk's at it AGAIN, smiling like he knew exactly what Spock would say and why, and not only does it make Kirk happy to know him so well, but he also understands where Spock is coming from. That's one of the biggest differences between how Kirk relates to Spock and how McCoy (and basically the rest of the universe) does. Kirk UNDERSTANDS, it's even part of the reason Spock intrigues him so. Nobody else really does, and so they get snippy or make fun of him…as McCoy will now demonstrate.)))_

McCoy: "Doesn't surprise me, Mr. Spock, I can't imagine a mirage ever disturbing those mathematically perfect brainwaves of yours."

_(((Unless you count Kirk as a mirage, then his brainwaves get disturbed like 100 times a day. I mean- what?)))_

Spock: "Thank you, Dr. McCoy."

Spock steps down and in front of Kirk's chair. Kirk looks over at Spock and stares for a moment, smiling gently and not really snapping out of it until a yeoman approaches with a report for him to sign.

_(((Everybody all together now: AwwwwwwwWWWWwwwWWWwwwWWWwWWwwww.)))_

_(((I just LOVE this moment, and Spock is completely unaware that it even happens. Kirk just takes a brief moment to look and smile…::sigh::…inner squee moments are so romantic.)))_

Spock reports that all is well…but now there's a big space displacement reading when there wasn't one just a few moments ago so that's a touch weird. Suddenly they've got a planet right in front of them that's never been discovered. Sulu then looks like he's going blind, stands up, and blinks out of existence. Kirk runs over, and soon blinks out of existence as well. Octoliebe!!!

We come back from titles to find that the Enterprise has been looking for Kirk and Sulu aboard for four hours with no luck, which leaves only the planet as a possibility. They would hop in a transporter and beam to the rescue, but the random crewman at the helm says that the planet surface = DEATH.

Uhura then sees a message being displayed on her screen and calls Spock over. The message, displayed in an old world font, says "Greetings and Felicitations," and then after a second, "Hip hip hoorah! Tallyho!"

_(((Words cannot describe what it's like to hear Spock say those words. A. Dorable.)))_

Well since it looks like something's alive and corny on the planet surface, Spock orders two random crewman and McCoy to beam down with life support equipment. Spock mentions that neither Scotty nor himself are to go because neither of them can be spared.

_(((Or else you can bet your life that Spock would be leading the landing party in search of Kirk.)))_

Spock dismisses everyone and continues to sit in the captain's chair in a gloriously sexy way.

_(((Something about the way he has his legs…could they have chosen boots for this show that were any sexier? I submit that they could not.)))_

In the transporter room, Spock sees the landing party off and orders that they contact the ship as soon as they're down there. He even gives a random crewman the ever-useful "laser beacon" if the communicators fail!

_(((And by 'ever-useful' I mean 'completely worthless.')))_

_(((Oh, and their life support? Face masks attached to a small breathing apparatus. No suit or anything so ghastly and protective…just a mask._

_Yay 60s.)))_

So they beam down and figure out that the area they beamed down to isn't full of so much death as they thought, and they take off their masks. Random crewman TallDarkHandsome tries to contact the Enterprise via communicator and when that inevitably fails he whips out the laser beacon and tries that…and it doesn't work either so he goes to find open ground 'cause, you know, after centuries of innovation we can't come up with something that can transmit through CLOUDS.

_(((Completely. Worthless. _Rand_ would be more useful.)))_

TallDarkHandsome finds a castle instead of clear sky, and all three of them go on in.

_(((Because I can't imagine anything safer than frolicking into a castle on a completely undiscovered planet that has made two people vanish into thin air. Why, the whole scenario smells of FUN!!)))_

Inside they find an oddly decorated…well, castle. The décor seems to be medieval, which of course makes everyone go all o.O

_(((They pass by the costume for the _The Man Trap_ creature, by the way. Yay for referencing earlier episodes. =D )))_

Then they spot Kirk and Sulu! Huzzah!!!

_(((Sulu looks like he's in mid-rap session, while Kirk looks like he's in mid…well, mid-sentence._

…………………………

……_I love Shatner, but even I couldn't resist that one.)))_

McCoy announces that neither Kirk or Sulu give off any kind of life reading, then the front door closes by itself and we see a dandy fellow in a costume that suits his surroundings and he's playing the…uh…harpsichord? Is that the right name? Of fuck it, its a little piano that sounds weird.

Dandy Fellow: "I must say, they make a simply exquisite display pair. I suppose you want them back now."

Dandy Fellow waves his hand and Kirk/Sulu are unfrozen…and a touch confused.

_(((I love the way Kirk swings his legs over the banister. I don't know why…maybe it's his expression…or something…anyway, it's hot.)))_

McCoy fills Kirk in on the extremely detailed events that he's missed ('you vanished four hours ago, we found you').

Dandy Fellow announces with a warm tone and a big smile that he's sorry he snatched them like that, but he saw them passing by and just couldn't resist.

_(((Hey, if I knew that Kirk was passing by, I'd snatch him too…just sayin'.)))_

Kirk strides right up to the guy and introduces himself and is all "We come in peace and oh yeah who the fuck are you?"

Dandy Fellow introduces himself as (retired) General Trelane and he's just oh so happy to have visitors from the very planet that he made his hobby.

TallDarkNotSoHandomeNowThatILookAtHim tells Kirk that they can't communicate with the ship, which means they're a bit trapped.

Trelane goes on to explain that he's been looking in on the doings of Earth, and Kirk says that he must have been looking in on the Earth of about 900 years ago.

_(((Looking in with WHAT, exactly? Binoculars? Satellite feed? Spyglass? Squinting REALLY hard? WHAT?!??)))_

Upon hearing this Trelane is all 'well gosh I didn't take time into account oh shucks how fallible of me.'

Kirk soon cuts to the chase and asks why the crap they've been brought here. Trelane then explains with eager enthusiasm that he wants to hear all about their society.

Trelane: "I want to know all about your campaigns, your battles, your missions of conquest."

Kirk: "Our missions are peaceful, not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice."

_(((Well there you have it. No, 'Hell yeah I'll tell you about conquests' or 'We fight when we have no choice but man do I like to fight,' Kirk simply states the Starfleet's purpose with a sense of dignity and integrity. He plays by the rules whenever possible, and he's proud of what he's a part of. Kirk is not an example of someone who bucks the system, he's not a rebel hero, he's just a flat out HERO. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's classic, much like this show.)))_

Kirk requests that they be allowed to return to the ship, but Trelane declines because he just MUST know all about them in an excited, gleeful kind of way. Kirk introduces his crew to Trelane, and Trelane continues to make a jolly ass of himself until the random crewman TallDarkNotSoHandsome decides to be a FOOL and make a move to shoot while Trelane is standing in front of a huge MIRROR.

Trelane doesn't seem terribly OMFG I KILL YOU about it though, probably because the crewman isn't wearing a red shirt. He merely freezes the guy in place for a second and takes his weapon, more curious about the phaser than anything else. He sets it to kill and starts zapping things around his home (bye bye Man Trap reference).

Kirk calmly takes the phaser from Trelane, who then explains exactly how the hell he pulled all of this off.

Trelane: "We, meaning I and others, have, state the matter briefly, perfected a system by which matter can be transferred to energy, and back to matter again."

Kirk is all, "Hey that's like our transporters" and Trelane is quick to point out that it's like a million times more advanced than their silly old transporters 'cause this amazing matter-energy-matter thing can alter the matter too.

_(((Soooooo… We gonna get any details about this? No? K.)))_

So of course that's how Trelane created this whole castle. Kirk then tries to leave again and Trelane stops him…again. This time Trelane isn't quite so nice (though he still has a smile on his face). He zaps Kirk away to a place on the planet that's not as human-friendly as the little area Trelane has made comfortable for them. After a moment of hacking and suffocating, Trelane brings Kirk back and tells him to behave or he'll "be very, very angry."

_(((_Someone_ put a little too much crazy in their coffee this morning.)))_

Back from commercial, we're on the Enterprise. Long story short: They have no clue where the landing party is but they have found a little bit of land on the planet that isn't made of SUCK.

Spock and Scotty have a little debate about the mysterious safe area on the planet, and Spock tells Scotty to fine tune the sensors and see if there's any life in that section.

Scotty: "Even if we find any, it doesn't follow that it would be our people."

Spock: "Affirmative. But if the captain is down there, and alive, that's where he'll have to be. We'll attempt to transport up any living beings our sensors detect."

_(((Uh, hey Spock, you forgot about McCoy, Sulu and the two random crewmen. You know…the FOUR other people that are also MISSING and may have caught a smidge of DEATH as well._

_Oh, and you're willing to beam up whatever life form you find on the off chance that it's the captain? You wouldn't be PARTICULARLY WORRIED about Kirk, would you?_

_Don't make it TOO obvious now. Jesus.)))  
_

Now we're back on the planet, where Trelane is showing off his place and generally acting like a jolly loon.

McCoy then quietly tells Kirk that Trelane has no life reading at all. Not weak, not dead, just _nothing_. A random crewman pokes his head in for his ten seconds of fame and points out how there's a fire but no heat coming from it.

Kirk then reasons that, whatever the crap Trelane is, he's not all-knowledgeable and makes mistakes.

_(((Kirk can reason this…because he's not an imbecilic howler monkey.))) _

Kirk then tries to reason with Trelane A.G.A.I.N. and Trelane turns him down flat A.G.A.I.N. but Kirk keeps trying.

Kirk: "Trelane, even if we wanted to stay, our companions are missing us."

_(((Indeed they are, Kirk. _

_Indeed. They. Are.)))_

Kirk then lets it drop that there's women aboard the Enterprise, and Trelane gets all wide eyed and 'OOoooo, teh wimmins!!' He moves to call some of them down, but Kirk grabs his hand. Captain Sexy Pants isn't playing around anymore, people.

Just as things get a bit tense, McCoy gets a transporter signal.

Trelane: "What does he mean?"

Kirk: "It means, Trelane, the party's over thanks to Mr. Spock."

They're all beamed up to the Enterprise. Spock then explains to Kirk that the sensors couldn't identify the life forms so they just beamed up everything, and McCoy reasons that Trelane must not be a life form or else he'd have beamed up too.

_(((McCoy can reason this…because he's not a moronic neematoad.)))_

They high tail it to the bridge where Kirk runs in and takes his seat. Some blonde yeoman says, "Captain, I was so worried!" but Kirk breezes right by her without any kind of acknowledgment.

_(((What? It's work time, he's a little stressed at the moment. She's also not Spock._

…

_Couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk orders that they haul ass as fast as possible to wherever is NOT HERE, but they don't get the chance. Trelane pops up on the bridge and everyone stares at him with with the same expression you might have if someone that ridiculous looking materialized on your spaceship. Trelane explains that he's not really mad at Kirk, but he IS mad at whoever the hell this "Mr. Spock" character is.

Spock: "I am Spock."

Trelane: "Surely not an officer. Isn't quite human, is he?"

Spock: "My father is from the planet Vulcan."

Trelane: "And are its natives predatory?"

Spock: "Not generally…but there have been exceptions."

_(((OooOooOooo, Spock no likey Trelane.)))_

Trelane (to Kirk): "You will see to his punishment?"

Kirk: "On the contrary, I commend his action."

_(((Now, any captain would commend the 'he saved my ass' action…but still. Kirk's defending Spock again. Yay. =D )))_

Trelane: "But I don't like him."

Kirk then struts on up to Trelane and demands that he get off the ship.

_(((Trelane insulted Spock? Clearly he hasn't seen this show before…)))_

Trelane then whisks the following people back to his place: Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Sulu, McCoy, random crewman one, random crewman two, the cast of Heroes, David Letterman, an elephant, and Mufasa.

_(((Yet again, wayyyyyy more than necessary. Except Mufasa. You always. need. Mufasa.)))_

Upon finding themselves at Trelane's place again, random crewman NotSoHandsome displays his lacking sensibilities AGAIN by moving to attack the clearly superior Trelane. Trelane freezes the guy in place and Kirk not-so-politely orders Trelane to let him go.

Trelane does so, then starts talking about how delightful this is all going to be.

_(((Mr. NotSoHandsome must be damn glad his red shirt was dirty this morning. Srsly.)))_

_(((A little side note here: As Trelane passes by Spock and crosses the room, Spock keeps staring at Kirk for a few seconds before turning and focusing on Trelane. Slashy? Not necessarily. Cute? Oh yes.)))_

Trelane then turns his attention to the lovely females in the room, and Kirk introduces Uhura and the blonde yeoman from earlier.

_(((The blonde yeoman's best quality? She's not Rand.)))_

Kirk then introduces Trelane to Spock again to keep him from kissing Not Rand.

_(((Is Kirk jealous? Pff, PLEASE. He just has a SOUL, and knows that Not Rand probably wouldn't want to check the tonsils of the cheery psycho.)))_

Trelane (to Spock): "You do realize, don't you, that its in deference to the captain I brought you here."

Spock: "Affirmative."

_(((Aw, Trelane only brought Spock 'cause he knew Kirk wanted him there. How sweet. =D )))_

Trelane: "I don't know if I like your tone. It's most challenging. Is that what you're doing, challenging me?"

Kirk looks from Trelane to Spock.

Spock: "I object to you. I object to intellect without discipline. I object to power without constructive purpose."

_(((I don't think Spock will be joining the Trelane Fan Club any time soon.)))_

Kirk smiles slightly, and looks back to Trelane.

_(((Oh that little smile…so full of humor…so full of pride…and all about Spock. He's clearly enjoying this…and Spock. Oh, Spock.)))_

Trelane: "Why, Mr. Spock, you do have one saving grace after all. You're ill mannered. The human half of you, no doubt."

Trelane then prances off to dance with Not Rand while he grants Uhura the ability to play the little piano thing.

Sulu and McCoy approach Kirk and they're all "so like Trelane makes stuff look pretty but WHOA it tastes bad."

Spock: "It may be unappetizing, doctor, but it is very logical."

McCoy: "There's that magic word again. Does your logic find this fascinating, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected."

_(((WABAM, there you have it. Fascinating = I was not expecting that. That's a very handy little tid bit of information to have on our slashy journey…just fyi.)))_

The trio then deduce that since the food = ew than Trelane is fallible, which means he's not all knowing, which means he needs help, which means he has a machine doing this for him.

_(((And they couldn't have figured this out the first time Kirk knew Trelane wasn't all knowing becauuussseeee?)))_

Trelane then changes Not Rand into a classical dress that suits her surroundings while Uhura seems to think playing the little piano is the GREATEST. ACTIVITY. EVER.

Spock and Kirk then reason amongst themselves that Trelane never seems to stray far from the huge ass mirror, and that whatever machine is helping him maintain the atmosphere would be too massive to be kept in the room, which leaves Kirk free to fuck with the mirror without accidentally killing them all which, you know, would be nice to avoid.

_(((Ahem, now would be a good time to mention that Kirk's following actions are part of Kirk's master plan. He's putting on a show. We can tell because he puts his hands on his hips and assumes this bullshit overly macho persona. Why is this important? We shall see.)))_

Kirk then turns to Trelane and speaks to McCoy and Spock loudly (on purpose).

Kirk: "Don't be too upset by what you see, gentlemen. After all, his actions are those of an immature, unbalanced mind."

Trelane stops dancing.

Trelane: "I overheard that remark, captain."

_(((I conveniently DIDN'T hear/notice/give a crap about you speaking with your men in a corner when I know you want to gtfo, but still, I HEARD YOU JUST NOW!! oooOoOoOOoo!!!)))_

Trelane: "I'm afraid I'll have to dispense with you."

Kirk: "You've only heard part of it, I'm just starting."

Trelane: "Oh?"

Kirk: "Yes. I want you to leave my crewman alone. I want you to leave my crew-women alone too."

Kirk pulls Not Rand away from Trelane.

Kirk (to Not Rand): "You're not to dance with him, I don't like it."

Trelane: "Did it actually make you angry, captain?"

Kirk (to Not Rand): "I don't want you accepting his gifts, either."

Not Rand: "Oh captain, please don't-"

_(((Oh my, so Kirk has been carrying a torch for Not Rand this whole time? HA! Hardly. Kirk's doing exactly what Trelane is dying for: He's causing conflict and putting on a display. He's playing the role of the big strong knight that saves the damsel and challenges the villain to a duel, which delights Trelane to no end.)))_

Trelane: "Well I do believe that the dear captain is jealous!"

Kirk: "I don't care what you believe, just keep your hands off her."

_(((Oh what a liar, Kirk. You care what Trelane believes, the whole point of this song and dance is to start a duel and the easiest way to do that is to 'fight' over a girl._

_And yet Kirk can't bring himself to say 'Yeah I'm jealous of you and her!' even though it would've fit just fine into his little scene. Hm, wonder why…maybe Spock is a little too close by..)))_

Trelane: "How curiously human, how wonderfully barbaric."

Kirk: "I've had enough of your insulting attentions to her."

_(((Here's something a little interesting: Up until now, whenever the camera is on Kirk and Not Rand, Spock is the only one seen in the background. This is the view we get during Kirk's whole 'keep your hands off her' and 'I've had enough of your insulting behavior' bit._

_What's interesting is that Trelane has literally insulted Spock so, you know…yeah, yeah it's a loose thread, kind of like that all too convenient "lover, wise man" edit in a previous episode. Well now something convenient has happened a second time. Again, loose thread…but still. Food for thought.)))_

Trelane: "Of course you have! After all, that's the root of the matter, isn't it? You fight for the attention, the admiration, the possession of women."

Kirk then slaps Trelane and challenges him, and Trelane is just oh so excited about the whole affair as he goes off and fetches a pair of old school pistols!

Back from commercial, and just in time to see them getting ready for the shootout. Just before they begin, Trelane is all, "Btw I get the first shot, k? K." And Kirk is all, "Uh…no?"

Trelane: "It's my game and my rules. But if you need to be persuaded…"

Trelane then points his gun at…Spock!!! Cue the dramatic music!

_(((What's THIS??? Apparently Trelane isn't as stupid as we think. He clearly didn't buy Kirk's whole moment of chivalry for Not Rand, or else he would have pointed the gun at her. No, Trelane knew exactly who to threaten in order to win the argument, and that person was Spock. It's about as subtle as a Michael Bay movie, guys..)))_

Spock looks at Kirk.

Cut to Kirk, who realizes what's going on and folds instantly.

_(((And when I say instantly, I mean INSTANTLY. Kirk's reaction is really quick, but it's a lovely moment (thank you, Shatner). In a span of _maybe_ two seconds we see Kirk look, see, then realize exactly what's at stake. Yay for successful inner life of a character!)))_

Kirk: "Alright."

Spock: "Captain…"

_(((Translation: Please don't endanger yourself on my account.)))_

Kirk quickly shakes his head at Spock to keep him from doing anything.

_(((Translation: Don't try to talk me out of it, don't try _anything_.)))_

_(((And hey, did you catch the urgency with which Kirk shook his head? He may as well have shouted, "No don't move he'll hurt you!!!" _

_But he didn't have to, because he could send the same message with a look and a movement of his head. Stuff like this is essential to film acting._

_Go Shatner.)))_

Trelane ends up taking his first shot at the ceiling, and Kirk takes his first shot…at the mirror!!!! Surprise! Not really! This apparently made the sound guys go insane, because every wAcKy sound effect you can imagine pops up as things go haywire in the castle. Trelane, now pissed, tells them to all go home and he vanishes. Kirk contacts the Enterprise and has everyone beamed up.

Now on the ship, they try to haul ass away from the planet as fast as possible.

Not Rand, still in a fancy dress, takes a report from Kirk.

Not Rand: "May I take a moment to change?"

Kirk: "Yes I think you might. Turn in your glass slippers, the ball is over."

Not Rand: "Gladly captain."

Kirk watches her leave, rubs his face and looks over in Spock's direction, then to the front of the ship.

_(((Okay NOW we get a glimpse of Kirk's appreciation for the female form. He's clearly enjoying the view, and who can blame him? She's a pretty young blonde in a nice low cut dress._

_After she leaves though, it takes him about .2 of a second before he glances over in Spock's direction. One can't help but assume he did this to see if Spock caught him ogling someone else for a change. I mean really, what other explanation is there? All of the evidence we've come across up until this point supports this._

_There goes that mind again…)))_

Suddenly, Gothos is right in front of them again!!

W…T…F?

They try to steer around it but the damn thing keeps getting in the way. Stupid planet. Kirk has finally had it, and orders that he be beamed down to the planet to do whatever it takes to make Trelane leave them the hell alone.

_(((Right when Kirk gives the order, we see a shot of Spock's reaction. In fact, we see a lot of Spock's reactions in this episode as things are happening to Kirk. Poor Vulcan is worried 'bout his cap'n. =( )))_

What follows is a fairly long, pretty ridiculous, yet somewhat brilliant scene where Kirk manipulates Trelane into a sword fight instead of just hanging him. In the meantime Kirk offers for Trelane to concentrate his wrath solely on him.

_(((Behold!!! The first time Kirk puts his life before the Enterprise and its crew. Go Kirk!!)))_

_(((This is also a great example of Kirk's bravery. He never _once_ backs down, gives up, or exudes anything other than competence and a steely reserve. He also manipulates Trelane with masterful finesse. This ain't your regular 'I dun got nothing to say so I'll just hit you' hero, folks. This here is a SMART, SMART man first, and a good fighter second. ::Sigh:: What a man.)))_

Kirk fights Trelane with the intention of giving the Enterprise enough time to get away.

_(((Mhm, that's right. Kirk is PLANNING on sacrificing himself for his crew and his ship.)))_

They fight, with way too many 'Yay 60s' moments to name, and Trelane gets the upper hand. Kirk, still defiant, breaks Trelane's sword and slaps him around, like you always do when you're incredibly outmatched.

Then a couple of huge, pulsing, translucent, green kidneys appear in the sky to take their "child" back home.

_(((No, the acid you dropped hasn't started to take effect yet, that's really what happens. They look like kidneys. Huge, all powerful kidneys._

_You know what I'm gonna say…so I won't bother saying it.)))_

Long story short: The green kidneys apologize for letting Trelane run amok (hehehe) and take him home via the magical shrinking industrial spotlight.

_(((60s…I love thee.)))_

_(((This is a pretty creative premise, actually. Well done, Star Trek.)))_

Kirk seems to find the whole thing a bit amusing, and then when the kidneys vanish Kirk is beamed back up.

_(((Ah, we're at the final scene. I wonder how they'll close the book on this one.)))_

Kirk is in his chair. Spock approaches.

_(((Bwehehehehe)))_

Spock: "Captain."

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, still thinking about Trelane, is that it?"

Spock: "For the record, captain, how do we describe him? Pure mentality? Force of intellect? Embodied energy? Super being? He must be classified, sir."

Kirk: "God of War, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "Well I…hardly find that fitting."

Kirk: "Then a small boy, and a very naughty one at that."

Spock: "It will make a strange entry in the library banks."

Kirk: "Well then he was a very strange, small boy. On the other hand, he was probably doing things comparable to the same mischievous pranks you played when you were a boy."

_(((We can tell by Kirk's slight grin during the words 'mischievous pranks' that he's having fun with Spock. Heehee.)))_

Spock: "Mischievous pranks, captain?"

Kirk: "Yes. Dipping little girls curls into inkwells, stealing apples from the neighbors trees, tying cans on-"

Spock and Kirk look at each other. Spock has absolutely no idea what the hell Kirk is talking about.

Kirk: "Forgive me, Mr. Spock…I should've known better."

_(((Hawt. Dayum. Check out that smile, eh? The dialogue is your regular fare, but oh the things going on underneath. His tone, his delivery, his everything is so fond, so intimate...::shiver::)))_

(((Oh, and you can bet that he DID know better. Mischievous pranks? I think he just pulled one. XD )))

Spock: "I should be delighted, captain."

Spock heads to his station, stops, thinks, arches an eyebrow, then heads to his console.

_(((Thanks to _stellaatheart's_ comment, it just occurred to me how freaking WHOA this moment is. 'I should be delighted?' DELIGHTED? Since when does Spock talk like THAT? It makes total sense that his use of such an emotional word would stop him cold a few moments later and make him raise an eyebrow, and that's just what happens. Sure, part of that o.O expression is from Kirk's "weird ramblings" about "mischievous pranks," but what stops him in his tracks is that he just used the word 'delighted' and didn't even realize it. The great and logical Vulcan made a Freudian slip, ladies and gents. Does Kirk catch it? Let's see.)))_

Kirk, who was looking at Spock, smiles softly to himself and directs his attention to the front of the ship.

_(((WHEW, ::fans self:: Well apparently he DID catch Spock's little slip, and man does he enjoy it. Let's talk about Kirk's last couple of moments, eh? For about the BILLIONTH time we see Kirk smiling to himself and thinking about Spock. Even when he straightens up into a profile, we still get the sense that he's enjoying the thought of Spock. It's absolutely, positively, 100% delicious. He messed with Spock yet again, and Spock did not disappoint. It's just. so. fucking. CUTE. _

_Also, what "best bud" looks like that after being entertained by their "friend?" Kirk's expression is way too fond, too pleased, too, well…CUTE, damnit! And this is the second time THIS EPISODE that Kirk has done this! Do I REALLY need to spell it out for you at this point?!! No? YAY.)))_

_(((Also, when Kirk looks up at the verrrry end, it's one of the greatest shots I've ever seen. He looks freaking GORGEOUS. What a profile. Whew.)))_

End of episode!!

* * *

**Le Score:**

Episode Specific:

Times random crewman NotSoHandsome was a MORON: 2

'Doug' references – 1

Times I was glad Not Rand was not Rand – 484

General:

Times god-like being is featured – 2

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1


	19. 1x19 Arena

**Author's Note: **Thanks to a comment from stellaatheart on the previous episode, I added some observations to the end of Squire of Gothos as of 7/15…and they're pretty darn enlightening. So if you read the chapter before the edits were made, you can go on over and have a look. How I missed such a telling little bit, I have no idea, but then that's why you guys are awesome. XD

It's funny, most of the time these chapters end up being a mix of analyzation and commentary, but this one seems to be split right down the middle. In the first half there's a lot of interesting character bits on both Kirk and Spock's side, and then all of the sudden there's more Yay 60s moments than I know how to handle. Fascinating.

P.S. – About twenty minutes before I typed this sentence, I had a realization about something in Wrath of Khan. It's a damn good theory…and it's really, really exciting. However, this is not the Wrath of Khan chapter…so you know…I can't really go into it here (even though I want to REALLY badly…gah, you have no idea). But it's good…OooOOoOoo…it's good. I've never heard of this brought up anywhere either, which makes me even more excited.

No guessing in the review section either, I don't want someone getting it right and spoiling the surprise. You'll just have to wait like I have to wait. I know…I'm evil.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Nineteen: Arena**

Right off the bat we get nice little exchange between Kirk and McCoy in the transporter room. They chat for a few seconds about the warm welcome and hospitality they're bound to receive on…whatever planet they seem to be going to, and they're laughing and having fun.

_(((Note that Kirk and McCoy interact very differently than Kirk and Spock. Kirk's smiles and laughter here are much more of a buddy laughing with his friend, while Kirk's smiles and laughter with Spock are…well a bit more intimate than that. It's a lovely relationship contrast that showcases both of Kirk's sides and also highlights each individual relationship. This was a great creative decision. Go Roddenberry.)))_

The commodore of whatever planet they're going to contacts Kirk and says to come on down, oh and make sure your tactical team is with you.

Spock: "I wonder why he's so insistent that our tactical aids come down."

Kirk: "This colony is isolated, exposed, out on the edge of nowhere. He probably wants additional advice."

_(((The smile Kirk flashes to Spock here is not remarkably slashy, and that's worth pointing out. Given the atmosphere of the scene and the fact that Kirk was answering a simple question, this is totally understandable. They can't be all slash all the time, you know. Sexual tension is exhausting!)))_

Spock: "Perhaps, captain, but nevertheless-"

McCoy: "Spock, isn't it enough the commodore's famous for his hospitality? I, for one, could use a good non-reconstituted meal!"

Spock: "Doctor, you are a sensualist."

McCoy: "You bet your pointed ears I am."

_(((Okay, so the word 'sensualist' sounds really sexy. The definition of the word, though, is 'a person given to the indulgences of the senses or appetites.' Since they're talking about food its clear Spock was referring to appetites._

_The way McCoy looks up and down at Spock is a bit suspect, but given the doctor's already established frisky mood and general excitement to get down to the planet, it's not that huge of a red flag. If he ever threw Spock a look like that in a moment of total seriousness ::cough:: like Kirk does all the time ::cough:: then it'd be something to consider. _

_Also, check out Spock. When he calls McCoy a sensualist he clearly thought that the remark would shut him up and he could get back to his conversation with Kirk. When McCoy _doesn't_ shut up, Spock throws Kirk the best annoyed/shocked expression EVER. Annoyed because McCoy won't shut the hell up, shocked because McCoy seems to embrace his sensualist behavior which is just oh so emotional. Kirk, meanwhile, thinks the whole thing is hilarious._

_What a great trio. =D )))_

The trio, plus three random crewmen beam down to the planet and DAMN, that commodore must throw some serious parties 'cause the place is just a MESS.

Oh no wait, it's been destroyed.

Kirk contacts the ship and puts everyone on red alert because Cessna 3 (hey, the planet has a name!) has been demolished.

We join our heroes as they make a duck for cover. Kirk sends a couple of the random crewman out to get themselves killed while the rest of them go explore the weak life reading Spock has just detected. As they walk, we get a nice voice over from Kirk explaining to anyone tuning in late as to what the hell is going on.

_(((Unfortunately they do this instead of letting us hear the dialogue that's happening. Boo.)))_

They find the wounded random dude, and Spock picks up more life signs…but they're not human, or even warm blooded. As Spock tracks the life signs' location, Kirk waves for the one random crewman with them to go forward. He does, and he dies. Fun!

Then some type of grenade-like weapons start being thrown at them! OCTOLIEBE!!

Kirk and Spock dive behind some cover together.

_(((Heh.)))_

Kirk contacts the ship and is all "BEAM US THE FUCK UP" but Sulu is all "Sir, we can't beam you the fuck up, we're under fucking attack and our fucking defensive screens are up." And then Kirk is like "Keep those fucking screens up and fire all our fucking phasers then!"

_(((…or something like that.)))_

Kirk then orders for Sulu to take all action necessary to protect the ship while they hunker down on the planet.

Kirk and Spock duck from the explosions for a bit.

_(((After every duck, Spock leans his hand against the small wall, and right by Kirk. Intentionally slashy? Probably not. But it IS closeness, and that IS cute.)))_

Spock points out that they're a bit outmatched, what with their dinky little hand phasers compared to the enemies 'disruptors.'

Everyone makes a run for a better hiding spot then, and they find a covered area. Then Kirk, determined to up the random crewman body count, sends the other two random crewmen off to die.

Kirk: "Helpless down here…and the Enterprise…"

Spock: "Sulu's an experienced combat officer, captain-"

Kirk: "It's my ship, Mr. Spock, I should be there."

_(((Yet another Kirk-loves-his-ship moment to add to the record. Everytime he says something like this, it just makes The Search for Spock slashier…and slashier..)))_

Spock estimates that the arsenal should be about a hundred yards away, and Kirk risks a run through the exploding war zone to reach it.

_(((With a pretty good stunt fall by Shatner along the way. There's an obvious stunt double the second time, but the first time it's all him.)))_

Kirk lands in the bunker at the entrance of the arsenal.

_(((Where he tears his shirt!_

…_on no wait, he doesn't. False alarm. No worries, it'll happen soon.)))_

Then he orders for the Enterprise to warp out of orbit (and out of trouble.)

Back at the covered area, Spock sees on his tricorder that the enemy is moving, which means he just _has_ to get to the captain.

_(((Jeezy Creezy, you guys just can't be separated for _two seconds_, can you???)))_

Spock makes his own daring run to the arsenal, and he doesn't need no stinking stunt double to do it either.

He rolls down into the bunker and right next to Kirk, and soon realizes that the enemy has locked onto his tricorder. He throws it away and it explodes.

_(((That always make me smile, just with the way Spock says 'They locked onto my tricorder!' It just sounds so politely offended, and they're in the middle of a freaking war zone. And Kirk just kind of watches like "Huh what?" It's adorable. =P )))_

Kirk is setting up some kind of mini bomb launcher thing which looks completely phallic, and Spock helps him set it up. Kirk calls a random crewman over so he can get his opinion on where exactly he should aim the thing, and then he lets the little device rip.

_(((In casual-but-unnecessary-contact news: When the three of them back off and take cover, Spock needlessly touches Kirk's hip._

…

_Do with that information what you will.)))_

The explosion seems to make the enemy scatter, which lets the Enterprise beam them up.

Now aboard, the ship sets off after the enemy.

Cut to Kirk/Spock/McCoy in sickbay asking the only survivor some questions. Basically, it was a total surprise attack and the messages that the Enterprise received to come to the planet had to have been sent by the enemy so that's, you know…bad.

Cut to Kirk and Spock in Kirk's quarters. Kirk is none to happy.

Kirk: "It was a trap. Getting the Enterprise to come to Cessnas III, getting us and our whole crew to come ashore…"

Spock: "Very clever. As to the reason?"

Kirk: "The reason is crystal clear. The Enterprise is the only protection in this section of the Federation. Destroy the Enterprise and everything is wide open."

Spock: "You allude to invasion, captain, yet positive proof has not-"

Kirk: "I have all the proof I need on Cessnas III."

_(((Whoa, Kirk, calm down.)))_

Spock: "Not necessarily, sir, several possible explanations-"

Kirk: "How can you explain a massacre like that?

_(((Breathe, Kirk. Inhale, exhale, that's Spock you're sniping at, you know._

_Kirk is, quite obviously, pissed. He's pissed that an entire colony was wiped out, he's pissed that he fell for a trap, he's pissed that he's already lost crewmembers…home boy is not a happy camper. He's acting out of anger, irrationally. Meanwhile here's Spock being Spock, rational, calm, evaluating the situation. _

_This is a classic example of a classic theme in this show: Emotions vs. Logic._

_And it's damn fun to watch…even if it does mean poor Spock gets snapped at.)))_

Kirk: "No, Mr. Spock, the threat is clear and immediate. Invasion."

Spock: "Very well then. If that's the case, you must make certain that the alien vessel never reaches its home base."

_(((Here's a good example of Spock knowing his place. He voiced his doubts, his speculation, he made his opinion known, but when it was clear that Kirk was dead set on the issue, and Kirk did raise some highly compelling points, then Spock stepped down._

_He knows how to handle himself in situations, and with Kirk. How? 'Cause he's a fuckin' badass. Done.)))_

Kirk: "I intend to. If we can keep them in the dark as to our strength, they'll never dare move against us."

Kirk then gives Sulu the order to overtake the enemy ship and he puts everyone on red alert.

Back from commercial, and the Enterprise is still in pursuit of the mysterious enemy ship. Kirk walks on over to Spock and asks for any info on where the hell they are, and Spock answer is more or less," Duuhhhh…we dunno."

Before Kirk walks away, they hold eye contact for a beat or two.

_(((It's just a tad too long, if you ask me. And you're reading my commentary, so you _are_ asking me. So HA. =P )))_

Kirk then finds out that the enemy had matched their warp six speed, and Kirk orders warp seven. Spock voices the fact that the ship can't handle warp seven speed for extended amounts of time, and Kirk doesn't seem to care too much.

Spock then approaches Kirk in his chair and turns his back to the rest of the bridge. Clearly, he wants what is about to be said to be kept between them.

_(((Cool your jets, its not in a slashy way. Shit is going down right now, Spock is concentrating on the issue at hand. He is clearly concerned.)))_

_(((…however, the way Kirk looks at Spock before he speaks is a little interesting. He can tell that something is bothering Spock, and for a few seconds at least his tone softens towards him.)))_

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "You mean to destroy the alien ship, captain?"

Kirk: "Of course."

Spock: "I thought perhaps the hot pursuit alone might be sufficient. Destruction may be unnecessary."

Kirk: "Colony Cessnas III has been obliterated, Mr. Spock."

_(((Now Kirk's tone is starting to harden again.)))_

Spock: "The destruction of the alien vessel will not help that colony, Jim."

_(((Whoa! Spock busted out the JIM card! Now we know how important this issue is to Spock. He doesn't just throw around Kirk's first name, as we all know. Interesting…)))_

Kirk: "If the aliens go unpunished they'll be back, attacking other Federation installations."

Spock: "I merely suggest that the regard for sentient life-"

Kirk: "There's no time for that."

_(((Uh oh, Kirk's gotten snippy again. Spock has also displayed, again, his respect for other life forms, be they evil or good. Spock holds that respect very high, as we saw in _Galileo 7_, and it still holds fast here.)))_

Kirk, realizing that his raised voice has drawn some attention, gets out of his chair and approaches Spock so they can keep the conversation between themselves.

Kirk: "It's a matter of policy. Out here we're the only policemen around…and a crime has been committed, do I make myself clear?"

Spock doesn't even look at Kirk.

Spock: "Very clear, captain."

Kirk: "I'm delighted, Mr. Spock."

_(((Oooo…I do believe this is the first real disagreement they've had over what course of action to take, and its tense as all hell. Once again, Spock knows when to step down, but this time its clear that he definitely doesn't like that he has to. _

_And Kirk, jesus. He must be seriously pissed to be acting like this, especially towards Spock. I mean damn, he's really set in stone about this. You could cut the conflicting tension with a knife. Btw, check out that last sarcastic comment. Didn't we just hear someone use the word 'delighted' not too long ago? Why, I do believe Spock said that at the end of _Squire of Gothos_…could Kirk have intentionally used that word to make the line sting just a bit more? It's definitely possible.)))_

Kirk then gets word that the enemy ship has matched their warp seven speed.

Kirk looks at Spock.

Kirk orders the ship to warp eight.

Everyone looks at Kirk like O.O

Kirk looks at Spock.

Kirk contacts the phaser banks and orders for them to be battle ready…while looking at Spock.

_(((That was, what, three times in like a minute that Kirk looked at Spock? The looks were a mixture of 'I know I'm doing something crazy' and out right 'I'm the captain and I'll do what I want' defiance._

_During all of this, Spock seems to be merely returning Kirk's look with a 'you know my feelings about this' expression. We even get a nice close up of him looking down just before the scene transition._

_They just simply do NOT agree with each other, and they seem to be treating that like it's a pretty big deal. They're clearly not used to being at odds, but neither one will back down. Jesus Christ in heaven they are fucking PERFECT for each other.)))_

Psshhh, okay Cliffs Notes…they're starting to overtake the enemy yay…they're passing an uncharted solar system OoOooo…they're suddenly being scanned by the solar system somehow so even bigger OoOoOooo…Spock says 'It would appear someone is curious about us' which can soooo be taken out of context yayyy…suddenly the enemy ship slows down to a screeching halt yayyy…Kirk gets the ship ready to attack OoOoooo…the Enterprise screeches to a halt booooooo…they have no idea what's brought them to a complete stall so that's a bit odd…oh no wait they're being held by the solar system somehow oOooOo…uh oh, lights are flickering…the 'Metrons' contact them via the display screen and rainbow colors…they don't like violence much, so they're gonna plop Kirk and the enemy alien leader on a planet so they can kill each other?...the Metron voice dude says that there will be shit to make weapons with on the planet…the winner lives, the loser and their ship gets a mouthful of death…Kirk vanishes! Spock raises his eyebrow!! OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT LIZARD THING?!?!

_(((Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to the leader of the enemy alien race called Gorns. He is a lovely looking thing with disco balls for eyes, green rubber for skin, and a truly fruity couple of scraps of cloth for clothes. Oh, and he's a dude in a suit. We shall call him Steve. Everybody say 'Hi Steve!')))_

Steve apparently needs a lozenge, and Kirk apparently needs a HELP.

Welp, nothing left to do now but fight. The first thing Steve does is break off a big branch of a tree. Kirk goes to his own tree and breaks off a branch…that's not nearly as impressive.

_(((Aw, branch envy.)))_

Steve then sloooowly takes a couple of swings at Kirk, then they kind of hug each other…oh no wait Steve is squeezing him to death.

Kirk breaks free and starts running away.

_(((And NOW his shirt rips!_

…_no?_

_Wtf is that shirt made of? Does it not know the rules???)))_

but he sees a rock the size of a bowling ball and naturally figures that throwing it at Steve's chest will do the trick.

Well it doesn't.

The rock bounces off and Steve is all, "Wtf dude, seriously?"

_(((Only, you know…in his own grunty language…so it's really like "Grun het fru, hmneh, grefhethe?")))_

Kirk is *shocked* that is fool proof "throw rock at the giant lizard" plan didn't work, and is even MORE shocked when Steve picks up a rock of his own and it's wayyyy bigger than Kirk's.

_(((Oh no, rock envy too? Poor Kirk. =( )))_

Cut to Spock on the Enterprise. He asks Scotty if there's anything they can do. Scotty says no. Spock asks Uhura if she's out anything. Uhura says no. How useful.

Cut back to Kirk. He uses the recording device the Metrons strapped to his waist to start an audio journal about his experience and keep the audience clued in about what he's thinking.

Cut to Steve with a recording device of his own. He can hear everything Kirk is saying.

Well…shit.

Kirk muses into the device that Steve is wicked strong but pretty slow and stupid so you know…Kirk's got that going for him. Then he starts talking about how the Metrons said there would be materials to make weapons but there's a whole lot of NOTHING on this planet so that's a touch confuzzling.

Cut back to Spock and McCoy on the bridge.

McCoy: "What are you gonna do, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "I'm going to wait, doctor. There's little else I can do."

McCoy: "What about the captain?"

Spock looks down for a second, then back up.

Spock: "If I could help him, I would. I cannot."

_(((OW!! SON OF A BITCH GOD DAMN IT!!!_

…

_Sorry, I was just punched in the face by Cuteness. Fucker has a MEAN right hook.)))_

_(((If you've been reading these commentaries in order, you'll remember how I mentioned a few episodes back that eye movement becomes a full gesture on camera, and even more so in Spock's case. If you haven't been reading these in order, 1. Shame on you, and 2. I just told you everything you need to know so you're all caught up now._

_That look down that Spock does before saying his line just kills me. That's the big clue that he feels like SHIT about not being able to do anything for Kirk. UGH, he is so precious.)))_

McCoy: "Now you're the one that's always talking about logic. What about some logic now? Where's the captain, Mr. Spock?"

_(((::Falls over:: Did you see the look on Spock's face as McCoy said "Where's the captain, Mr. Spock?" BRAVO, Nimoy. BRA. VO._

_Yet again we are slapped with some wonderful inner life on this show, and if you blink you miss it. Look at him! He feels SO BAD about the whole thing…he just wants to help Kirk, poor guy! I've never wanted to hug Spock more as of yet. So cute._

_::cough:: Sorry, what were we doing? Plot? Yes, continue.)))_

Spock: "He's out there, doctor. Out there, somewhere, in a thousand cubic parsecs of space, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to help him."

_(((::explodes:: Awwwwww)))_

Cut to Kirk's ass.

I mean, cut to Kirk running up to a bunch of bamboo, trying to find a weapon. When he realizes that its, you know, BAMBOO, he keeps running.

Cut to Steve laying out some masterful trap that includes vines and snickering to himself. He seriously needs some herbal tea or something.

Cut to Kirk as he happens upon some diamonds that are about the size of a fist. He decides to whip out the recordy thing and muse aloud that the diamonds are too small to be a weapon.

Kirk: "An incredible fortune in stones, yet I would trade them all for a hand phaser…or a good solid club."

_(((Oh woe is my life! ::Puts back of hand to forehead and faints::)))_

_(((That line makes me giggle every time. Oh the drama.)))_

Kirk's musings are interrupted by Steve's gargling and Kirk runs away again. He finds Steve hissing and sharpening some kind of black stone into a weapon. Kirk then sees a boulder perched on top of the cliff he's on, shimmies on over to it, and pushes it off.

Miracle of (serious) miracles, the boulder hits Steve! Kirk, sure he's won, scampers on down towards his foe only to have Steve pop up and be alive after all! Eep!

Kirk then runs off again, and falls right into Steve's vine trap thing. He trips, and a small boulder lands on his leg. He's pinned! Steve is hissing! Steve has a sharp thing! Ahhh!!

_(((Okay, NOW his shirt is ripped. _

…_still no? This _is_ Star Trek: The Original Series, yes? Where's the ripped shirt, the sexy Kirk chest! Roddenberry, sir, you are slipping!)))_

Commercial.

Back from commercial, where Kirk wriggles free just in time and limps off, while the camera gets wayyyyy too close to Steve for comfort.

Cut to Spock and company on the bridge, getting nowhere fast.

Cut to Kirk happening upon a resting place with some yellow dust everywhere. He decides that now is a good time to record an "I AM LIKE SO DEAD" message into the recordy thing. He notices the yellow stuff and identifies it as sulfur…which jogs his memory about something very old…and possibly the solution that will save his life…what was that again? He can't remember at the moment and hobbles off.

Cut back to Spock and company. The Metron dude FINALLY speaks up and is all "So your captain is like totally almost dead, start planning the funeral. But oh hey since you might give a damn you can watch him die! Don't say we never did anything for ya! PEACE."

Yay, The Enterprise gets to watch the episode too!

_(((No really, the crew is watching professionally shot footage. The same footage we get to see. Actually, most of the Kirk action is now seen through the Enterprise's display screen._

_Yay 60s.)))_

They all see Kirk happen upon a resting place with white powder. Spock identifies the stuff as potassium nitrate (good eye) and he's already figured out what Kirk needs to figure out 'cause he's Spock and he can do that shit.

Kirk seems to have gotten the idea as well, and is now hauling ass off to…somewhere. He's stopped in his tracks, though, when Steve speaks up via the recordy thing. Steve is all, "So yeah I've been listening this whole time and if you just wait there I'll come find you and be merciful, pinky swear!" But Kirk is like, "Uh…no? You kind of slaughtered a bunch of people." But Steve comes back with, "Bitch, we were defending ourselves! I killed them and I'll kill you, sucka!"

_(((So much for the whole 'mercy' thing then, eh Steve?)))_

Then Kirk just kinda hangs up on him and limps off.

_(((Way to be a douche to the thing that wants to kill you, Kirk.)))_

McCoy and Spock then discuss the possibility that maybe they're in the wrong, maybe the Gorn were just trying to defend themselves, and man how embarrassing would THAT be?

Meanwhile, Kirk is back at the place with bamboo and finds a nice thick piece and some kind of rope type thing. Spock is now sure that Kirk is, in fact, NOT an idiot and knows what to do.

_(((Do WE know what he's doing? I dunno, do you dig chemistry?)))_

Now Kirk is at the potassium nitrate place, putting some in the bamboo chute…while Steve just kinda wanders around and snarls.

Spock finally speaks up and tells McCoy that Kirk's got the recipe for gunpowder.

_(((You know, like a crude version of the weapon we saw Kirk use earlier. Suuubttlleee.)))_

Kirk gathers up all the ingredients, Steve snarls some more.

Kirk finally settles down and starts putting it all together, but Steve is getting closer!

Kirk keeps working.

Steve gets closer.

Kirk keeps working.

Steve gets closer.

Steve found him!!!

Kirk keeps working.

Kirk finally turns and fires…and it works! The diamonds penetrate the rubber- I mean lizard skin and take down Steve!

_(((And the force from the mini-cannon thing blows Kirk's shirt off!! No?!?! WTF, shirt? Normally it just takes a strong breeze to get you off Kirk. What the hell gives??)))_

But, at the end of the day, Kirk doesn't kill Steve because Steve may have been telling the truth about the whole "we were just defending ourselves" thing.

_(((What's this? Kirk accepts the possibility that his people were in the wrong? How positively human/awesome of you!)))_

Kirk calls out to the Metrons that he won't kill Steve, and Steve disappears. Then a twink in a glitter dress and white hair appears.

Metron: "Does my appearance surprise you, captain?"

_(((It sure as shit surprises ME. You look like you're late for your shift at Club Rainbow Shaft, for chrissake.)))_

The Metron explains that he's 1,500 years old, and then expresses surprise that Kirk was so advanced as to grant mercy on Steve but hey you know we could still kill him and his entire ship if you'd like.

Kirk declines the offer, and the Metron is impressed, stating that there's hope for Kirk's race yet.

The Metron then says that hey, maybe in a thousand years or so humans will be advanced enough to talk to us, but right now you're still a bit barbaric.

_(((It's the 'Don't call us, we'll call you' line of the advanced races.)))_

The Metrosexual- I mean, Metron then disappears.

Kirk pops back onto the Enterprise and after everyone gets over there "ZOMG KIRK YAY" phase he gently orders for everyone to get back to their posts.

Kirk takes a seat in his chair, McCoy stands behind him and Spock stands nearby.

Sulu then announces that they're wayyyyy far away from where they should be and he can't figure out how it happened.

_(((I blame the Freaky Indestructible Shirt…that thing scares me.)))_

Kirk stays calm and simply orders for them to head back to Cessnas III. McCoy puts a hand on Kirk's shoulder, gives the cap'n a "glad you're not dead" look, and leaves.

Spock: "After you touched off your primitive cannon, captain, we lost the picture the Metron was sending us."

Kirk: "You saw what happened down there?"

Spock: "Most of it. I would be interested in knowing what finally happened."

_(((You're curious, Mr. Spock? How human of you.)))_

Kirk takes a moment, thinks.

Kirk: "We're a most promising species, Mr. Spock, as predators go. Did you know that?"

Spock: "I frequently had my doubts."

Kirk: "I don't. Not anymore. And maybe in a thousand years or so we'll be able to prove it."

_(((So the point of this episode is that, as we are now, we're a long way from enlightenment, but there's hope for us yet. This episode also introduces the notion that there are those way more advanced who are just waiting for us to grow up a bit._

_That is really huge stuff for a 60s tv show. Go Roddenberry.)))_

Spock cocks his head to the side.

_(((…and it's absolutely adorable. He's clearly amused by whatever the hell Kirk is talking about. ^.^ )))_

Kirk: "Never mind, Mr. Spock, it doesn't make sense to me either. Take us back to where we're supposed to be, Mr. Sulu, warp factor one."

Spock: "A thousand years, captain?"

_(((That line has the classic Spock twinge of humor.)))_

Kirk: "Well that gives us a little time."

Kirk flashes Spock his trademark smile.

_(((And oh what a trademark smile it is. XD )))_

_(((Is this ending dripping with innuendo? Not as much as other endings we've seen, but it's still present (especially with that last smile) and it's still damn cute. That seems to have been the motto for this episode, actually.)))_

End of episode!!

* * *

**You Are Such A Score Whore:**

Episode Specific:

Times the Shirt SHOULD Have Ripped – 3

Times Kirk Ultimately Did Not Have the Bigger Weapon – 2

Times Rand Was in This Episode – 0 (Huzzah!!)

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 10 (The first stat to bust into the double digits!)

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – STILL 9 for some freaky ass reason

Times Kirk is injured – 3


	20. 1x20 The Alternative Factor

**Author's Note: **My apologies to anything and everything German, I was grossly mis informed as to the spelling of 'Ach, du lieber' and have now sufficiently made an arse of myself. ::cough:: It will be done properly from now on.

Oooo, and apparently that's a real fall from Shatner in the previous episode, I had no idea. Poor guy. =(

Spooky-fbi was a gem and brought up the petition that's going around right now for some real K/S goodness in the new movies. While, ultimately, I highly doubt that Kirk and Spock will be coming out of the closet any time soon, we do have an opportunity to send a message that we want more freaking gay representation in Star Trek, damnit! Roddenberry wanted it, we want it, and it would be particularly wonderful if it was Kirk/Spock that showed it? Go to seetreklove .com for more information and (of course) the petition. =D

P.S. – ::looks around:: Oh dear…::cough::….do you feel that? I think it's a…oh god it's a slash drought! The last episode wasn't very slashy, this episode isn't very slashy…but…what…how?!

Everybody remain calm. It is going to be okay. The drought won't last very long, it never does. Just on the other side of this episode is a ton of goodness just WAITING to be analyzed. If you're really feeling slash deprived, don't panic. Just pop in Amok Time or, if you don't have that, Youtube the Back Rub scene or, if you're really feeling the drought, phone a friend. You don't have to go through this alone. ::wipes dramatic tear::

In the mean time, I'm gonna make this installment as entertaining as I can and, given the material I've got to work with, this should not be a difficult task. Deal? Deal.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty: The Alternative Factor**

So we kick off this episode with…a shot of Spock's back?

It seems to be all well on the bridge, as Spock reports that the planet has normal readings, no life signs, and there should be no surprises. Then, in total non-surprise fashion, the STOCK PHOTO OF CONFUSION ATTACKS!!! Everyone is tossed about while a mostly see through picture of stars sort of pulses at the audience.

_(((Yay. 60s._

…………

_I hope you're ready for a lot of those, 'cause _whoa_.)))_

When the turbulence is over, Kirk runs to Spock's console to find out what the shit just happened. According to Spock, everything just decided to not exist for a second. Fun! Uhura then chimes in to say that a general alert has been issued by Starfleet, and Kirk puts the ship on alert as well. Then Spock is all, "Oh hey would you look at that, a life sign is on the planet now!" To which Kirk is all, "Uhhhh, how?" And Spock says that it popped up when the stock photo attack happened, and that it appears to be human.

Kirk and Spock then immediately get ready to beam down to the surface and find out…well, anything.

Back from titles, and Kirk, Spock and a herd of random crewmen in red shirts beam down to the planet.

_(((Really there's like FOUR of them. How much death do they expect to run into on this trip, anyway?)))_

They all walk along for a bit, then find a cute little space ship that seems to have crash landed. As they look at the ship, suddenly a dude starts yelling at them from up on a little mountain.

Crazy McGee: "Thank heavens! There's still time! It's not too late, we can still…stop him…but I…but I…need your help…"

Then the dude passes out and falls off his little ledge.

_(((It's not his fault, crazy takes a lot out of a person.)))_

Kirk/Spock and company run on over to him and marvel at his fake beard.

Transition to the bridge, where Kirk arrives and finds out from a cute little black crewchick that the stock photo confusion almost completely drained the dilithium crystals…which kind of run the ship…so yeah. Bad.

Kirk checks in with Spock, who says that the status is quo which is weird since the status was NOT quo (heehee) just a little while ago. He does know, however, that the stock photo attack was strongest right here, on the planet below. Kirk takes his seat.

Uhura: "Read to message in one minute, captain. Starfleet command. Code factor one, sir."

_(((That sounds important. What's a code factor one?)))_

Kirk snaps his attention to Uhura.

Kirk: "Repeat."

_(((No no, that's fine, we got it the first time, but WHAT IS IT????_

Uhura: "Code factor one."

_(((WHAT. IS. IT?!?!)))_

Kirk: "Invasion status."

_(((Oh…well that's bad then.)))_

Kirk orders everyone to battle stations. McCoy chimes in from sick bay to say that Crazy McGee will pull through. Starfleet pops up on the display screen.

The Starfleet officer basically says, "So the disruption thing happened like EVERYWHERE and messed up a bunch of shit, but we noticed that it was strongest about where you are so me and the boys were just thinking that you could be a charm and figure out what the hell happened to the universe. Oh, and you'll have absolutely no support. Actually, we're telling anyone even remotely near you to GTFO. I mean, ha, it's pretty dangerous where you are, Jim! Wouldn't anyone getting hurt or anything! Well that's about it for me. Good luck and all, let us know if you find anything. Tootles!"

Kirk and Spock then set up the next step. Spock will further analyze the planet's surface, while Kirk has a chat with Crazy McGee.

Transition to Kirk and McGee in Kirk's quarters, with McGee ranting about he's been chasing someone since forever, he just has to kill him, the thing looks human but is actually a raging murdering psycho that killed his entire civilization, you know, the usual.

Kirk: "How did you escape?"

McGee: "I was inspecting magnetic communication satellites……you believe me, don't you?"

_(((Well with an iron clad alibi like 'magnetic communication satellites' and only your word to go on, who could argue with you??)))_

Kirk: "Before we picked you up our ship sustained a number of incredible effects."

McGee: "That was he! He's death, anti-life, he lives to destroy!"

_(((But is he dangerous?)))_

Kirk mentions they don't exactly have any information at all…so they can't really disprove anything he's saying. McGee takes that as a sign that they'll help him with his "holy quest of vengeance," to which Kirk is like, "Ehhh, come to the planet with me and we'll see if you're talking shit or not first."

Transition to Kirk and McGee joining Spock and a random crewman at the space ship on the planet. Kirk says that McGee says that there's a psycho thing on the planet, but Spock says that Uhura already said that and Spock has already found out that there's no other living creature on this planet…so…yeah…'bout that…

Spock: "I suggest, captain, that you've been lied to."

McGee: "Captain, you yourself said that there were no other explanations. Why do you give credence to this man?"

_(((Uh…'cause he's CUTE??? Check the ears, dude, he's ADORABLE._

_Oh, and he's also impossibly smart and I respect his opinion over everyone else's, even my own sometimes._

_But mostly……cute.)))_

Spock is all, "I don't know why you're being a prick, I only made the rational conclusion that your story is, in technical terms, hooey."

Kirk then displays his awesome ventriloquist powers by saying something completely different from how his lips are moving, and the STOCK PHOTO OF CONFUSION ATTACKS AGAIN!!!

_(((Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 60s.)))_

Crazy McGee runs off and starts yelling things that justify the name I gave him.

Kirk: "Can you identify that?"

Spock: "Trying, captain."

Kirk: "Lazarus!"

_(((COME FORTH!!!_

………

_Bible humor…::cough::_

_And hey, since when did Crazy McGee get an official name??!?! Oh well, FINE, he's LAZARUS then……my name was better though…)))_

Kirk runs off to find Lazarus, but Lazarus is a bit busy being thrown around by flashes of light and winding up in some kind of blue place…wait, what?

Now he's being attacked by another dude? Or is that foreplay? Now they're SPINNING??

_(((When did this become the Ravers' Gay Softcore channel??)))_

Snap back to reality, oops there goes gravity! Lazarus falls over and Kirk runs to his side, then Spock shows up. Lazarus decides to lead us into commercial by screaming insanities, his particular favorite being "KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!"

_(((Well that's a lovely way to transition into a laundry detergent commercial. KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL…THOSE STAINS!!!!?)))_

Back from commercial. McCoy puts a bandage on Lazarus' head, and Kirk gets to the bridge to talk with Spock about any more theories about what could possibly be going on. The only thing they've really learned is that the stock photo attacks happen at the exact moment Lazarus claims to have his confrontations.

Kirk gets called to sick bay then where McCoy tells him that the cut he treated on Lazarus' head earlier? Yeah it's totally gone now, like it wasn't even there in the first place.

Kirk: "Where is he?"

McCoy: "I don't know, Jim, this is a big ship. I'm just a country doctor."

_(((…so nobody knows where Mr. Magic Wound who has a tendency to yell 'KILL KILL KILL' is? You people like your crewmembers to be LIVING, right?_

_Oh wait, you're a country doctor. It's cool then._

_o.O )))_

Cut to Lazarus in the ship's cafeteria. He over hears the cute black random crewchick mention dilithium crystals and head out with a random crewman to see to them. Lazarus seems particularly interested about this, and heads out into the hall to follow- STOCK PHOTO/RAVE GAY SOFT CORE ATTACK COMBO!!!

Lazarus clutches the wall and gets all dizzified…and the bandage for his head wound is back? Hmm…

Kirk and McCoy find him then, and Kirk is a little annoyed to find that Lazarus still has the wound where McCoy said none existed.

Spock calls Kirk to the bridge then, and they leave a confused McCoy behind.

Kirk and Lazarus arrive on the bridge to see a flashing light on the planet below, but Spock says that there's nothing down there that could cause that effect. Spock theorizes that it's a rift, a space where the laws of our universe don't apply. He then mentions the dilithium crystals and Lazarus goes all fangirl about them again. Lazarus insists that the crystals are what he needs to destroy…uh, whatever the fuck he's been wanting to destroy for the past twenty minutes of the episode, and begs Kirk to let him have them.

Kirk is a might hesitant to do this since, you know, the ship needs the crystals to WORK and all.

Lazarus spouts a bunch of vague doom and gloom until Kirk decides he's had enough and grabs Lazarus by the shoulder and demands to know what. the fuck. the danger. IS.

Lazarus then gives a detailed and informative answer- oh no wait he just threatens Kirk and swears he'll have his revenge on the dude he wants to like get revenge on and shit.

_(((Just a friendly bit of info, there's a really, really good shot of Kirk at 20:29 looking all stern and captain-like. HAWT.)))_

Lazarus leaves the bridge and is attacked by the stock photo A.G.A.I.N.

Now he doesn't have the bandage on his head anymore.

_(((Uh…quoi?)))_

Lazarus then happens upon the Engineering room (where the dilithium crystals are maintained) and takes down both the random crewman and the random cute black crewchick. However, he takes down the chick when she's talking to Kirk so he knows something's up, then Uhura reports Lazarus missing!! Oh noes!!!

We come back from commercial to hear that they're no closer to figuring out what the eff is going on, and now Kirk knows that two crewmembers have been attacked and two dilithium crystals are missing. We join Kirk, Spock, Lazarus, cute black crewchick, and random beefy guard dude in a meeting room.

_(((FYI: Kirk. is. PISSED.)))_

Lazarus denies the crimes, insisting that it was the creature he's been chasing and the creature needs the crystals for the same reason he does: The crystals will power the small ship that's on the planet and the creature wants to get away while Lazarus wants to kill the creature.

_(((Yeah…it doesn't make total sense yet.)))_

Kirk then gives the order that they're gonna go down to the damn planet and investigate the damn radiation to figure out what the damn is going on.

Transition to everyone on the planet.

What have they found?

Not a damn thing.

Oh, and the radiation? It's magically vanished.

_(((ANSWERS, episode. GIVE US SOME.)))_

Kirk and company then march off to investigate the surrounding area. Aaaaaaand it doesn't take long for the STOCK PHOTO OF CONFUSION to assault everyone, but only Lazarus gets attacked by the Rave Gay Softcore too. Poor guy. =(

Once the craziness calms down, Lazarus falls off a cliff.

_(((It is just not his day.)))_

Cut to sick bay, where Lazarus is coming to.

Kirk has some questions for Lazarus, since now they know that there was never a planet where he said he came from so…what's up with that?

Lazarus: "Alright. I distorted a fact in the interest of self preservation, of my holy cause. I needed help, not censure…freedom, not captivity for being a madman. I was afraid that's what you would call me….if I told you the truth."

_(((Well thank god you lied and saved yourself from being thought of as a madman by behaving rationally._

……

_Wait…)))_

_(((Oh yeah, and speaking of the truth…WHAT THE FUCK __**IS**__ THE TRUTH?!?! INFORMATION, ANYONE??? A CLUE? A NOUN? A SMELL? __**SOMETHING**__?!?!?)))_

Kirk: "I'll have the truth now."

_(((And a side order of SENSE would be nice.)))_

Lazarus: "My earth, or what's left of it, is down there beneath us."

Kirk: "What are you saying?"

_(((Monkeys. They're cute._

…

_WOULD YOU LET HIM TALK FOR TWO SECONDS?!?!)))_

Lazarus: "My space ship is more than just that. It's a time chamber. Time ship. And I…I am a time traveler."

Kirk: "And this thing you've searched for is a time traveler too?"

Lazarus: "Oh yes. He's threatened me across all years, all the empty years to a dead future on a murdered planet he destroyed."

_(((Basically, we are like total BFFs.)))_

Lazarus then gets all excited and 'help me kill him!' and Kirk demands to know where the crystals are, and Lazarus insists that the creature has them. McCoy insists that the poor guy is in pain and needs to rest and both Kirk and McCoy leave.

Lazarus gets up, stumbles around, and is attacked by a BLUR!!! ::shrill scream::

Cut to Kirk and Spock in a meeting room, putting their minds together to sort all of this crazy bullshit out.

They deduce that the source of the radiation didn't come from their universe, but another one. An parallel universe, if you will. This realization is so huge that Kirk needs some extra light on his eyes.

_(((Hey! We haven't seen the ol' special eye lighting in a while. =D )))_

They then deduce that there must be a door in the universe and that there must be two Lazarus…es? Lazari? Aw hell, there's two of them and they're chasing each other back and forth.

Kirk: "But what's going on? This leaping from universe to universe, this wild talk about a murdering creature who's destroyed civilizations. What's the purpose?"

Spock: "Jim, madness has no purpose, or reason, but it may have a goal."

_(((Leave Kirk and Spock in a room alone together long enough and Spock will play the Jim card. You know the situation is serious when Spock says Kirk's first name._

_Oh, and it's also adorable.)))_

Spock then reasons (with the help of dramatic close ups and quietly suspenseful music) that, basically, one Lazarus is matter, and the other is anti-matter, and if they ever meet…

Spock: "Annihilation, Jim. Total, complete annihilation."

_(((Whoa, we get a SECOND 'Jim?' Well they _are_ talking about the destruction of the entire universe, and you don't get much more serious than that._

_What I love about this scene is that they're both working together to reason everything out. Whereas in the last episode we saw them at total intellectual odds, now we get to see them completely in synch. Yay teamwork.)))_

Cut to Lazarus in the halls of the ship. He finds a panel labeled 'Warning, High Voltage' and fucks around with it. This ultimately causes a fire in the engineering room and when everyone evacuates Lazarus sneaks in and out.

_(((Well that's what they get for putting the key to ALL OF ENGINEERING in an EASY ACCESS panel in the HALLWAY. _

_Who DESIGNED this thing, the CUTE MONKEYS???)))_

Kirk and Spock scurry on down to engineering and Spock quickly figures out Lazarus' plan to get some crystals.

Cut to the transporter room. Lazarus walks up to a young random crewman while the schmuck just says "Duhhhhh, you shouldn't be in here?" and Lazarus takes him down with a judo chop.

_(((That guy wins the Dumbest Crewmember of the Hour award, dear GAWD.)))_

Lazarus then beams down to the planet.

Cut to Kirk telling Spock that he's gonna go chase down Lazarus and that he needs to get a security team together and follow him down like NOW.

Cut to the planet, where Lazarus is putting the crystals into his little ship.

_(((Btw, the crystals look pretty damn ugly and…not like crystals at all. I dig the crystals we see later on that actually look like, you know, CRYSTALS.)))_

Cut to Kirk running into the transporter room, where the same DUMBASS crewman beams the captain down without so much as a 'hey that crazy beard dude did in fact go this way so you're on the right track' or anything even remotely USEFUL.

Kirk arrives at Lazarus' space ship just as Lazarus is finishing his preparations. When Kirk leans into the craft to get him, he disappears!!!

We come back from commercial to find Kirk in his very own Rave Gay Softcore episode!! Only it's a bit lonely, as he's the only one in it. =(

He runs back and forth, a bit clueless, then pops back onto the planet….or rather…something that looks a lot like the planet he was just on but is just a tad different, like it's nighttime and stuff.

Kirk then happens upon a small space ship that looks just like Lazarus', in fact there's Lazarus! Only he's a bit more calm, not so much Crazy McGee as just…McGee.

McGee says that, if Lazarus comes through at a time of his choosing then all of existence will catch a slight chill of DEATH so he needs to get to work and he needs Kirk's help.

Transition to later. McGee is working, Kirk is leaning up against the ship.

_(((Apparently 'help' meant 'stand there and look pretty.'_

_Mission accomplished.)))_

McGee tells Kirk that what he passed through was like a corridor that kept both universes from 'sploding and the only solution is to, essentially, trap both McGee and Lazarus inside the corridor and attack each other for all eternity in order to keep both universes safe. See, after Lazarus discovered a parallel universe he went a bit nuts. He just couldn't stand the thought of McGee existing so he went to whatever lengths it took to try and destroy him without any thought to the consequences.

Kirk: "So you're the terrible thing, the creature."

McGee: "Yes, captain…or he is. It depends on your point of view, doesn't it?"

_(((Oh Star Trek, starting conversations about life, the universe and everything right in people's homes._

_I love thee.)))_

So McGee pops Kirk back into the other universe to get Lazarus into the corridor while McGee is waiting there and then destroy the little ship so that they can't get out and, therefore, save the universe.

Kirk hops on through and lands right where he needs to be. Since he's a ways behind Lazarus, he motions for Spock to distract him while Kirk does a sneaky sneaky and attacks him from behind.

_(((Teamwork. It's cute.)))_

The plan works, and Kirk then has a tussle with Lazarus which is no way hilarious, awkward or homoerotic.

_(((…::cough::…)))_

Kirk manages to toss Lazarus into the ship (and the corridor) and they all head back to the Enterprise.

Back on the bridge, Kirk orders the small ship destroyed, and the universe is saved, but not after we get one last glimpse at the Rave Gay Softcore. Huzzah!!!

Kirk: "Everything's all right, Mr. Spock, for us."

_(((Heehee, 'us.' Spock also looks down for a split second before he answers…heh.)))_

Spock: "There is, of course, no escape for them, sir."

Kirk: "There is, of course, no escape. How would it be, trapped forever with a raging madman at your throat until time itself came to a stop. For eternity. How would it be?"

Spock: "Captain…the universe is safe."

_(((Aw, Spock is trying to comfort Kirk. "It's otay sweetie, teh universes iz alive!!"_

_He's also making the logical argument that the sacrifice of two is necessary if it saves millions._

_Gee, that sounds familiar…_

_Character consistency. It's a beautiful thing.)))_

Kirk: "For you and me…but what of Lazarus? What of Lazarus…"

_(((…aaaand Kirk is still haunted by the thought of being trapped in a struggle for all eternity…'cause he's emotional like that. So. Cute.)))_

End of Episode!!!

* * *

**Uber Mega Complete Score Time ('cause it's been five episodes already)!**

Episode Specific:

Times the Stock Photo of Confusion attacks – 5

Times Spock says 'Jim' – 2

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 10

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 9 (That's right…it's been 20 episodes and Kirk's shirt has ripped/not existed in almost HALF of them. Awesome.)

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to - 4

Times Spock is Injured – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 3

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 2

Pointless Rolls - 2

Times Kirk outsmarts computer - 2

Times a disease threatens the crew – 2

Times god-like being is featured – 2

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times immortality is found – 1

Times the Ship is taken Hostage - 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 1


	21. 1x21 Tomorrow is Yesterday

**Author's Note: **Ahem...so...this project has broken 100,000 words. That's the length of a novel, isn't it? O.O

In other news, this project has also gone north of 10,000 hits. At this rate it will become my most hit on 'fic' yet. (Ha…hit on.)

Okay, so I. love. this. episode. This (in my honestly humble opinion) is the only "oh gee look at that we magically transported to the year this show was being filmed!" instance that actually worked. I generally hate when Star Trek does this because, to me, it ruins the mystique…or the atmosphere…or something. This, however, is the exception to the rule…and boy what an exception.

P.S. – ::Deep inhale:: Ahhhhhhhhhh, the fresh scent of slash. Everybody can relax now, the fun has been put back in Star Trek. And oh what fun it is…bwehehe. From here until the end of the season, we have quite a ride in store, folks. Hunker down. XD

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-One: Tomorrow is Yesterday**

So we join the US Air Force as a plane rolls around the deck of a huge ship in the ocean.

_(((Duuuhhhhhhhhhhh, what?)))_

We then see two military men, one of whom is obviously an officer and one of whom is checking out a radar screen, in a small room.

_(((::Looks around:: Am I in the right place? Where the hell is Kirk? Shouldn't he be hitting on Spock right about now?)))_

The random military dude tells the captain that he sees a blip on the radar that just literally appeared out of nowhere. Since that is more than just a bit weird, the captain makes the call to the right people who can go up and have a look-see.

_(((Because apparently keeping an eye on the sky is left up to ONE man in a 10x10 room with a desk and ONE commanding officer._

_Yay 60s.)))_

A plane is sent up, and we see a shot of the sky and…the Enterprise?

_(((What le fuck?)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3113.2: We were en route to Star Base 9 for re-supply when a black star of high gravitational traction began to drag us toward it. It required all warp power in reverse to pull us away from the star but, like snapping a rubber band, the breakaway sent us plunging through space, out of control, to stop here…wherever we are."

We see an electronically dead bridge with all of its crewmembers (including the ones we all know and love) picking themselves up off the floor. Kirk makes his way over to Spock, who's checking out various technical things.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Except for secondary systems, everything is out, sir. We are on impulse power only."

Kirk: "Auxiliaries?"

Spock: "If Mr. Scott is still with us, auxiliaries should be on momentarily."

_(((Why thank you, Morbid Spock.)))_

Spock then sees Uhura on the ground, and gently picks her up and places her tenderly in her seat, cradling her and making absolutely sure she's okay with a deep stare into her lush brown eyes.

…or he picks her up and plops her down into her seat with reasonable care.

Whicheva.

Then the lights come on sooo…yay, Scotty's not dead!

They start to get their shit together, and Spock reports that they're in Earth's orbit which makes sense 'cause they were headed in that general direction when the black star decided to be a bitch.

Uhura picks up some chatter that's not Starfleet and Kirk has her put it on the speakers. Both Kirk and Spock recognize the lingo and their ears perk up.

Kirk: "Moonshot? That was in the late 1960s."

Spock: "Apparently, captain, so are we."

Cue the dramatic everything.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

The whiplash effect tossed them through time, and landed them in the 60s! What luck.

Then they detect a craft getting closer to them. Why it's an Air Force plane! And they brought the Corbomite Maneuver music with them! How considerate.

The Enterprise tries to haul ass out of there but is a bit sluggish since it just had a brush with disaster and everything. The Air Force pilot gets the "UFO" in sight.

On the Enterprise, they hear ground control give the pilot the order to try and force the "UFO" to land.

Kirk orders that their tractor beam hold the plane in place, but when that starts to destroy the plane Kirk orders the pilot beamed aboard.

_(((Now here's where shit gets really interesting, REALLY fast.)))_

The pilot is beamed aboard with his back to the rest of the transporter room. Kirk enters, walks up to him. The pilot takes off his helmet, but hasn't turned around yet.

Kirk: "Welcome to the Enterprise."

The pilot turns around, revealing his face to us for the first time.

Kirk takes a good solid couple of seconds to look the pilot up and down with a particular look on his face and light highlighting his eyes.

_(((Did…did Kirk just…did he just CHECK OUT the pilot? We haven't seen a Dame of the Hour in seven episodes now AND Kirk is giving the MALE pilot the once over?_

…

_WHOA._

_But hey, I'm sure it was just a blip, a random happenstance, a flesh wound.)))_

The pilot is, understandably, weirded the fuck out.

"You…speak English?" the pilot asks warily.

Kirk smiles, "That's right. You can step off the transporter, uh-"

"Captain John Christopher, United States Air Force," the pilot states suddenly and with great authority, "Serial number 4857932."

"Relax captain," Kirk says gently, still smiling, "you're among friends."

_(((Pardon me while I take a moment to say 'fuck sarcasm and witty implications' k? K._

……………………

_KIRK IS HITTING ON THE VERY MALE PILOT._

_HE'S SMILING *THAT* SMILE._

_HE'S SPEAKING IN *THAT* TONE._

_HE TOOK DAMN NEAR THREE SECONDS TO CHECK THE PILOT OUT._

_KIRK LIKEY THE PILOT._

_KIRK WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH TO TAKE THE PILOT TO DINNER._

_KIRK WOULD NOT MIND BONING THE PILOT._

_**WHO. THE FUCK. COULD MISS THIS????????**_

_::clears throat::_

_Okay…I'm calm now._

_This bit is even staged to look like a big "Dame of the Hour" reveal. He's beamed in with his back to everyone else, he has the big turn around…this is not hard to figure out. If John was a woman, this would not be any kind of debate. But alas, he is not a woman…he. is. a. MAN._

_Not so much "Dame of the Hour" as "Dan of the Hour" then, eh? What?_

_And we're not even through the whole shebang yet, folks. Not even close.)))_

_(((Oh, and don't give me the whole 'But Kirk was just trying to make the pilot feel comfortable!' argument. This should go without saying, but there's a difference between "putting someone at ease" and "hitting on them." They are not the same thing, they're not even in the same ballpark. _

_Also, you do not need to SCOPE SOMEONE OUT to make them "feel comfortable."_

_Kirk is hitting on a man. Deal with it. XD )))_

Kirk tries to get John to come down from the transporter with a little wave, but John ain't movin'.

Kirk: "I'm Captain James T. Kirk."

_(((Kirk still has the 'HIT THAT' machine turned on at full blast, btw.)))_

John demands to know exactly what the hell is going on, and Kirk keeps his lilting tone going long enough to tell him to remain calm and they'll tell him what they feel like telling him all in good time.

Spock contacts Kirk from the bridge then to report that the plane has been completely broken up.

_(((You know how Spock is always the one to interrupt Kirk when he's hitting on someone (legitimately or otherwise)? Well it just happened._

_Mhm._

_YEAH.)))_

Kirk escorts John out of the transporter room. In the hallway, they pass a pretty brunette and some sexy "Ooo a female!" music plays.

John: "A woman?"

Kirk: "A crewman."

_(((…that pretty much speaks for itself, yes? Yes.)))_

Kirk and John get into the elevator and they head up to the bridge where Kirk sort of starts to try and explain the whole "We're from the future" thing. John is skeptical, because he's not a dumbass.

Kirk: "It was an accident."

John: "You seem to have a lot of them. However, I can't deny the fact that you are here, with this ship."

They arrive on the bridge.

John: "I never have believed in little green men."

Spock: "Neither have I."

_(((Air Force Pilot John Christopher, you have been SPOWNED.)))_

Spock approaches Kirk and John.

Kirk: "Captain Christopher, this is my first officer, Lt. Commander Spock."

_(((Check out the look on Kirk, eh? He is so amused that he could just explode bisexuality all over the bridge.)))_

Spock nods to John.

Spock: "Captain."

_(((Spock is lovin' the moment too. This whole bit makes me go fangirl every. time.)))_

Kirk grins at Spock, then looks at John…who looks a bit like this: o.O

Kirk: "Feel free to look around, captain. Don't touch anything, but I think you'll find it interesting."

John: "Interesting is a word and a half, captain."

_(((Dear GAWD, the look on Kirk's face during John's line is just made of GAH and HAWT.)))_

John wanders off to have a look while Kirk and Spock trade looks.

_(((Oh the looks…they say so much more than words ever could. XD)))_

Kirk and Spock step aside for a moment and talk shop, but it's not long before Spock notices Kirk looking at John.

Kirk: "Anything else on your mind?"

_(((Translation: Does John look as drop dead sexy to you as he does to me?)))_

_(((GUH. UNF. WHAT?!?!_

_Maybe the (albeit brief) Slash Drought lowered my tolerance level…or maybe I've just been bitch slapped by more homoeroticism in the past three minutes than most people are all week._

_Once again, the line itself isn't necessarily suggestive (although it could be borderline) but jesus FUCK the way Kirk says it is crystal freaking clear._

_::Fans self:: I don't know how much more of this I can take.)))_

Spock nods slightly.

Spock: "Captain Christopher."

Kirk motions for them to step further away so they can talk and Spock turns and starts walking. Kirk grins at Spock's back and follows him.

_(((……………………_

………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………

_Omg._

_Wtf._

_Bbq._

……………………

_Kirk, you feisty. little. sex pot. He is just LOVING this whole situation, he's even loving Spock's reaction to all of this. He's just so damn HAPPY, and there is only ONE explanation to his HAPPINESS. It's called The Dan of Hour, and he wants it. BADLY.)))_

Well Spock then proceeds to be a total buzz kill and inform Kirk that John can never go back home because if someone were to find out about the whole "future" thing and use it to their advantage it could like seriously fuck some shit up.

Spock: "And if it is changed, captain, you and I and all that we know might not even exist."

_(((Hey, there's that 'you and I' stuff again. XD )))_

Kirk: "You're logic can be most…annoying."

_(((Translation: Ur liek totally harshing my bisexy buzz, dude, what the eff?)))_

Kirk then orders that John get changed into something more suitable and, after that, meet him with Spock in his quarters.

Kirk leaves while John and Spock have an awkward moment of eye contact.

_(((Okay, so at first glance this moment could be taken as John wondering why the hell Kirk is acting so "weird" towards him, with Spock's expression meaning "uh…he LIKES you…idiot."_

_But, there's one thing that keeps this from being really squee worthy:_

_Uhura's expression during the moment between John and Spock goes from 'I don't know what's going on' to 'I know what's going on' which implies that the awkwardness of the moment is from John still getting used to looking at an "alien." It implies this because we never get any real hints that Uhura has a clue about Kirk's sexuality (or his hitting on John) or the romantic tension going on with Spock. Not like McCoy, McCoy knows what's going down. Uhura is different, she's in the dark, which means that if this was a real telling moment, she ultimately wouldn't understand._

_That all makes me say that this is an almost-moment. It comes pretty darn close, though.)))_

Cut to Kirk in his quarters, telling the computer to start recording. The computer answers in a husky, sexy female voice. We don't get a chance to really see Kirk's reaction because John and Spock enter, but then this happens:

Kirk (to computer): "Captain's Log, supplemental: Engineering officer Scott informs warp engines damaged, but can be made operational and re-energized."

Computer: "Computed and recorded, dear."

Everyone notices how odd that sounded.

Kirk: "Computer, you will not address me in that manner. Compute."

Computer: "Computed…dear."

Kirk shoots an 'oy' look at Spock, who rolls his eyes.

_(((Bahaha, this is so amazingly awkward. Whoever thought of this bit was brilliant.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, I ordered this computer and it's linking systems repaired."

_(((Note that Spock looks very, "Yes, yes, I know what's coming, I have an answer, oyyyyy" expression. Adorable.)))_

Spock: "I have investigated it, captain. To correct the fault will require an overhaul of the entire computer system. Minimum of three weeks at a Star Base."

John seems to think this is pretty damn funny…because it is.

Kirk: "I wouldn't mind so much if it didn't get so…affectionate."

Spock: "It also has an unfortunate tendency to giggle."

_(((Omg…okay show stop it…the cuteness of Annoyed Spock…it's too much…)))_

John: "I take it that a lady computer is not routine."

Spock: "We put in to Signet 14 for general repair and maintenance. Signet 14 is a planet dominated by women. They seemed to feel the ship's computer system lacked personality. They gave it one. Female, of course."

_(((Oh my Spock, are you _annoyed_ by the female voice? The delivery of that last line screams that you are. Fascinating…)))_

Kirk then drops the bomb that they can't send John back, which wipes the smile off the pilot's face. John tries to argue that his disappearance would affect the future, but Spock says that he checked it out and John doesn't make any particular contribution by him.

_(((Well that's kind of a bummer to hear. 'Hey, you end up not impacting the world in any way. They really won't miss you. In fact we're probably doing them a favor. Nobody likes you. They told me.'_

…_or something.)))_

John then reveals that he's not totally sold with Kirk's whole "story" and that he wants to get back to his wife and kids.

Scotty then chimes in from engineering that things should be ready to go in four hours but hey there's not much point 'cause its not like they can go to Starfleet or anything.

We come back from commercial to find Kirk in his quarters.

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3113.7: Our engines are being repaired, but we are still locked in time and we have a aboard a passenger whom we do not want but we cannot return."

Computer: "Recommendation for his disposition, dear."

Kirk: "…Maintenance note: My recording computer has a serious malfunction. Recommend that it either be corrected…or scrapped. Compute."

Computer (in the most pouty tone possible): "…computed."

_(((Hi-larious. XD )))_

Spock chimes in from somewhere and says that he's found out something very important about John. Kirk tells Spock to come to his quarters, then tries to contact John to tell him the same…only John's not in his quarters!! Kirk puts security on alert and heads to the transporter room.

Cut to John attacking a random crewman and stealing a phaser, then trying to bully the transporter room operator into beaming him back down to Earth.

Fortunately Kirk pops up and knocks him down with a quick judo chop.

Cut to sick bay. Kirk and McCoy are standing over a still-knocked-out John.

Kirk says that he just CAN'T send John back, and McCoy wonders if _they_ can even get back. Kirk then moves the conversation a whopping seven feet away to give John some quiet, because voices only travel five feet at max.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk worries that, even if they do get back, John will be useless.

_(((Well not totally useless. Sex slaves make quite the salary, I hear._

………

_Couldn't resist.)))_

McCoy: "But maybe he could be re-trained, re-educated."

Kirk: "Now you're sounding like Spock."

McCoy: "If you're gonna get nasty, I'm gonna leave."

_(((Only DeForest could deliver the line like that, and it. is. hysterical.))) _

John comes around then, and doesn't like what they're talking about. Then Spock comes in to join the fun.

Kirk: "You said you had some additional information, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "I made an error in my computations."

McCoy: "Oh? This could be an historic occasion."

_(((::Sigh:: We miss you, Mr. Kelley.)))_

Spock then informs everyone that John's future son will make a significant contribution to space travel, so John needs to get back to Earth to, you know, have sex.

Transition to later in a meeting room, where Kirk/Spock/John are trying to figure out exactly how to get John back to Earth and leave him without any evidence to back up his story. Well John apparently took pictures, which will be developed pretty quickly at the military base, and they were also recording his transmissions so that's pretty damning evidence as well.

Kirk tries to use the 'hey didn't people in the 60s dismiss this stuff as weather balloons or something equally as lame?' But Spock instantly comes back with, 'Uh, cap'n? We kind of destroyed one of their planes with a TRACTOR BEAM, the famous 'weather balloon' explanation won't quite cut it.'

Kirk then asks if Spock has any theories on how to get the Enterprise home, to which Spock basically answers, "We'll do what we did to get here…only in reverse."

Kirk then stands and walks over to John.

Kirk: "We're gonna have to go back and get those reports and photos. Captain feels duty bound to report what he saw, there won't be any evidence to back him up."

John: "That makes me out to be either a liar or a fool."

Kirk grins slightly and looks John over.

Kirk: "Perhaps."

_(((Jesus, Kirk, can you keep in your pants for TWO SECONDS, we've got PLOT happening here.)))_

Spock: "Not at all."

_(((Translation: HEY GUYS, OVER HERE! REMEMBER ME, THE DUDE WITH THE WEIRD EARS? YEAH, I'M IN THE __**ROOM**__.)))_

Spock: "You'll simply be one of the thousands who thought they saw a UFO."

_(((Translation: You'll have noooo problem sliding right back into your old life which is NOT where Kirk is. It'll be fun. Promise.)))_

_(((Spock even uses the line of dialogue to move _right next to Kirk_ (who's still grinning at John, by the way)._

_Poor Spock, he's doing his best to stick the proverbial flag in his man._

…………

_Gay what? Slash what?)))_

John then says that he knows his way around the base and wants to help, but Kirk won't let him tag along 'cause it would endanger both John and his future son so John agrees to just sketch the layout.

Transition to Kirk and Sulu beaming into the military base.

_(((Sulu? Why not Spock? I guess Spock had to keep an eye on John? Who knows.)))_

As Kirk and Sulu walk down the hall, they're amused by the incredibly ancient look of the place.

_(((A very nice touch, I might add. Yay Star Trek.)))_

They find the room they need to be in, unlock it with a fancy device, and go on inside and find the computer.

Cut to Spock and McCoy in the transporter room. McCoy is all freaking out and worried about Kirk and Sulu, while Spock is merely calm and rational.

_(((Shock. Amazement.)))_

McCoy: "How long have they been down there?"

Spock: "Fifteen minutes, twenty-eight seconds."

_(((Cool your jets, it's his job to know that kind of stuff._

…_That doesn't stop it from being cute, I'm just saying…job.)))_

McCoy: "Shouldn't they be coming up?"

Spock: "It is a fact, doctor, that prowling by stealth is more time consuming than any direct approach. In our case-"

McCoy: "Shouldn't you be working on your time warp calculations, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "I am."

_(((Has nobody learned that you don't mess with Spock? NOBODY???)))_

Meanwhile, back on the base, Kirk and Sulu are interrupted by a sergeant that catches them with their hand in the cookie jar. He points a gun at them and tells them to get their hands up and he takes their belts and Sulu's bag.

Cut back to Spock and McCoy. McCoy says that its taking too long (again) and this time Spock admits that something might be wrong and opens a communicator channel.

Cut to Kirk/Sulu/Sergeant. The communicator in the sergeant's hand starts to beep. He wonders what it is, but Kirk and Sulu play the fool. The dude messes with the communicator and triggers the emergency signal, and Spock then beams up the sergeant by mistake! Oh the HIJINX!!!

Back from commercial, where Kirk and Sulu are getting back to business. Now that they have the tapes, they leave the room and head towards the photo place. They get there and go into the dark room but whups! They tripped the silent alarm!

Sulu is still packing up the photos when Kirk leaves the dark room and runs into the security team that's coming to catch their asses.

Kirk closes the door to the dark room and proceeds to give Sulu as much time as possible while he kicks the asses of three security guards.

_(((I love this whole fight scene. Kirk does whatever he can, he even throws his ENTIRE BODY into the WALL OF GUARDS. _

_Kirk, sir, you are lovely.)))_

When they finally get the better of him, the Colonel looks in the dark room to find nobody, but is still suspicious.

Colonel: "Alright, where's the other one?"

Kirk: "What other one?"

_(((Who me? Why I'm just a lonesome rascal who infiltrates military bases and attacks security people, I don't have any friends! Pssh!)))_

_(((Kirk's 'innocent voice' is too cute for words.)))_

Colonel: "Your partner. I saw you looking that way and I saw someone move in there."

Kirk (shaking his head): "No no, just me. Besides, could anyone get out of here without you seeing them?"

Colonel: "…no. Nobody should've been able to."

Kirk then shrugs, and flashes an innocent-yet-completely-not-innocent smile.

_(((AHHHDJSKFNEJKGND THAT SMILE._

_It's one of my favorite Kirk grins EVER. The dimples, the boyish charm, and also the total SMART ASS subtext. UGH, can I keep him? PLEASE?!?!)))_

Back on the Enterprise, Spock hears from Scotty that the warp engines are ready to go and then Spock takes his time inspect the photos Sulu brought. McCoy decides that now is a good time to explode emotion all over the place.

McCoy: "Blast your theories and observations, Mr. Spock! What about Jim? He's down there alone, probably under arrest! He doesn't have a communicator and we can't locate him or beam him back aboard without one!"

Spock: "I _am_ aware of that doctor."

_(((Awwwwww, once again we get to see Spock's internal struggle as he worries for Kirk but tries to hide it. Of COURSE Spock knows all of that, it's KIRK for chrissake! But poor McCoy just does NOT understand Spock.)))_

Spock calls John to join the fun.

Cut to the security office, where the Colonel is interrogating Kirk.

_(((What follows is one of my absolute favorite Kirk scenes in all of both the series and the films. This scene always triggers my inner fangirl._

_You have been warned.)))_

Colonel: "Now look, mister, you and I had better start communicating. I want to know how you got in here, now that's a simple question. Give me a simple answer."

Kirk is sitting in a chair, hands together, perfectly calm.

Colonel: "Nobody saw you, you got all the way inside here without tripping any alarm. How did you do it?"

Kirk: "Believe me, colonel…you wouldn't believe me."

_(((Oh Kirk, being all oxymoronic on purpose…tee. =D )))_

Colonel: "Don't try to be funny. How did you get in?"

Kirk: "I popped in out of thin air."

Colonel: "You seem to think this is some kind of a game."

Kirk: "No, colonel, I know it's no game."

_(((You can bet your ass that he's telling the truth.)))_

Colonel: "Alright, what did you say your name was?"

Kirk: "For the fourth time: My name is James T. Kirk."

_(((And I am sexier than you.)))_

Colonel: "And how did you get inside a top security installation, James T. Kirk?"

Kirk: "I told you, you wouldn't believe me."

The Colonel gives up for a second and goes over to Kirk's things to check them out. He picks up a small device (phaser) that instantly makes Kirk a bit nervous.

Kirk: "Uh, colonel, would you mind being careful with that?"

Colonel: "Oh, that worries you a little bit, huh? What is it, a radio? Transmitter of some kind?"

Kirk: "Some kind."

Colonel: "You could be more specific than that, Kirk, I don't like mysteries."

Kirk: "You don't stop being careless with that and you'll have one. A big one."

Colonel: "I'll have it disassembled and examined. We are not dummies, mister, we know how to find out things we want to know."

_(((Is Kirk intimidated by ANY of this? _

_FUCK NO._

_Must. Love. Kirk.)))_

The Colonel then casually tosses the device to the nearby guard, and Kirk flinches by closing his eyes.

_(((Goddamnit Shatner, I freaking love you._

_This little detail is sooooo nice to watch. It comes so naturally, so second nature, it's 100% believable and also so deceptively simple looking. Even if the director told him to do it, it came down to him to make it so seamless, and he did just that._

_GUH, I love that man.)))_

Colonel: "What is _that_? Is that a uniform of some kind?"

Kirk: "This little thing? Something I slipped on."

_(((Marry me, you snarky BASTARD!!!)))_

Colonel: "Kirk, maybe you don't realize how serious this is. Sabotage of a government installation-"

Kirk: "I sabotaged something?"

_(((GAH, so much WIN.)))_

Colonel: "…No, we stopped you in time! What would you have done if we hadn't found you?"

Kirk: "Believe me, colonel, nothing at all."

_(((James T. Kirk: 2 smart 4 joo since 1966.)))_

Colonel: "Is that what you're here for? Nothing at all?"

Kirk: "That's what would've happened if you hadn't interfered."

Colonel: "Alright Kirk, maybe this will make you laugh: Sabotage, espionage, unauthorized entry, burglary, how are those for starters?! And I can think up lots more if you don't start talking!!!"

Kirk: "Alright, colonel, the truth is I'm a little green man from Alpha Centauri, a beautiful place, you oughta see it."

_(((::FANGIRL SCREAM:: You GO Kirk!!! EEEE!!!!! ::Knocks table over::_

_The way he says "You oughta see it" is absolutely PRICELESS. ONLY Shatner could've done that._

_Is he intimidated yet? FUCK NO. He's also having more fun than a kid in a candy store and that. is. AMAZING._

_Does life get any better than Brave, Smart Ass Kirk Fucking With Idiots?_

_I submit that it does not._

………………………………………

……………………………………

_K/S excluded of course. =P )))_

Colonel: "I am going to lock you up for two hundred years!"

Kirk: "…that ought to be just about right."

_(((Final score: Kirk – 7, Dumb Fuck Colonel – 0._

_Colonel…you have been KOWNED. REPEATEDLY. WOOOO! ::Passes out::)))_

Meanwhile on the Enterprise John says he'll give Spock the coordinates to the interrogation rooms…but only if he gets to tag along. Spock reluctantly takes the deal, but John knows that Spock doesn't trust him. Spock corrects him though, saying that he _does_ trust him…but only so far.

Then Spock/Sulu/John all beam down.

_(((Spock has to reposition John on the transporter pad…another lovely little detail.)))_

Then a completely irrelevant scene happens with the sergeant who was accidentally beamed aboard and chicken soup. Fun..?

Back on the military base, Spock/Sulu/John execute the plan to take out the guard outside the interrogation room door. Inside the room, they hear a knock on the door.

_(((Notice how Kirk is sitting. Look familiar? He just can't NOT sit like that. XD )))_

The random guard answers it. Who's on the other side? Why it's Spock! And he calmly gives the guard the ol' Vulcan Nerve Pinch while Kirk punches the shit out the colonel.

Kirk is rubbing his hand. Spock steps towards him and takes him by the wrist.

Spock: "Don't you find that painful, captain?"

They look at each other.

Kirk: "Yes I do."

_(((::spits out her tea:: HOLY BLATANT HAWTNESS, BATMAN!!_

_Okay…deep breaths…this episode makes me a little too excited…give me a second…_

_Whewwwwww, okay. Let's look at this._

_First big WHOA: Spock taking Kirk's wrist. When do we EVER see Spock handle anyone else like this? He rarely touches people to begin with, let alone like THAT. Just to make things absolutely clear: When he sees Uhura on the FLOOR after the ship is damn near destroyed, he shuffles her off into a chair, but Kirk punches ONE man and Spock gets all gentle and makes _sure _he's alright. Yet again, these two events happen in the _same episode_ in order to smack us in the face with the contrast. Hawt. Dayum._

_Also, they haven't seen each other in a while, and they knew how serious the situation was (and still IS, I might add) and yet the first thing Spock does when he finally sees Kirk again? He takes him gently by the wrist and asks if he's okay. How ridiculously sweet is THAT??_

_And now for Spock's line delivery, ohhhh the line delivery. It has a dash of humor, some sarcasm, but it also has that something extra that just makes it delicious. This + the physical contact = Uh. Mazing._

_Oh, by the way, this moment is literally four seconds long._

_Four. Seconds._

_We would've seen more, but it cuts to John dragging a body into the room after Kirk and Spock look at each other. Sure, they mention John in a second and we need a quick shot of him dragging the body in to lead into John getting the gun off the guy, but the cut comes too early and lingers on John longer than it really needs to. _

_So when does Spock let go? From Kirk's delivery of 'Yes I do' and the lines following, I'm willing to bet that the contact is dropped after 'yes I do' because after that it's all business._

_You know, my mind hasn't had the chance to reel in a- whups, there it goes.)))_

_(((Told you the drought wouldn't last long. XD )))_

Spock goes into the back room to do something, and John pulls a gun on Kirk and Sulu. Ach, du lieber!!!

_(((See, I said I'd say it right. =P )))_

Well it turns out that John is dead set to report the Enterprise's existence come hell or high water. It also turns out that Spock snuck around the back way and is now behind John. One little Vulcan Nerve Pinch and John is out for the count.

Spock: "I suspected he might not wish to return with us."

Kirk grins and shakes his head.

_(((Oh YOU.)))_

They all beam up, and then decide to try the "slingshot/whiplash" theory to get them all back where they belong, essentially 'dropping off' John and the sergeant on their way back to the 23rd century.

_(((Kirk still manages to throw a grin John's way._

……………

………

_I KNOW, RIGHT??)))_

They all agree to take the crazy insane chance to pull all of this off.

On the bridge, everything is prepared and its time for John to go to the transporter room.

Kirk: "Get your gear and report to the transporter room. And Captain Christopher? You only have about fifteen years so you better hurry."

_(((::winces:: Well, with so much amazing goodness packed into one episode I can forgive them of one particularly bad line.)))_

And with one last smile, Kirk sends John off.

They drop John off at the moment he first sees the Enterprise. It works.

Then they drop the sergeant off at the moment just before he discovers Kirk and Sulu. It works.

Then they head back to their time, and it works. The universe is set right once again! ::waves pom poms::

Cue one last chance to hear the female computer and have it annoy Kirk, then End of Episode!!!!

* * *

**Spork! I mean…Score!**

Times the Word 'Hawt' Was Used – 3

Times Kirk Brought Out My Inner Fangirl – 3473849

Spownage – 1

Kownage – 8

Times Kirk Hit on John – Priceless

General:

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 2


	22. 1x22 Return of the Archons

**Author's Note: **If you're not already a member of the seetreklove .com forums…go register. It's one of the best places to dish about K/S that I've ever seen, and the people are just lovely. The cause (more gay representation in Star Trek) is obviously worth while, so go! Discuss! My name over there is KirkSpirkSporkKockSpock.

Gee, I wonder where I got that from.

P.S. - After this episode, there are seven (yeah that's right, SEVEN) episodes that are full of so much goodness I'm getting all squee just thinking about it. Seriously. Whoa.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Two: Return of the Archons**

Sulu and a random crewman are running down a colonial looking street with colonial looking garb on.

_(((::Looks around:: Did I…did I miss something?)))_

The random crewman falls, and Sulu picks him up.

Random crewman: "It's no use, they're everywhere!"

_(((Just a couple of random, totally meaningless questions…but…who's "they" and where is "everywhere?" Also: What the __**fuck**__ is going on?)))_

They back into the doorway of a shop. We see two other guys walking towards them from opposite ends of the street wearing big hooded cloaks and carrying big sticks.

_(((Well hey, look at that, they're being pursued by Roosevelt fans!)))_

Sulu: "The captain gave us an order, we've got to find some glue!"

_(((Soooo…this is the Great Sulu Glue Expedition? Or something?)))_

Well now they're in a tough spot, what with two random dudes slowly advancing on them in a wide open space, so Sulu calls Kirk via communicator and asks to be beamed up.

Random Crewman: "We've gotta make a run for it, we can't just stand here!"

_(((ZOMG the random crewman has BRAINS?!?!)))_

The random crewman runs off.

One of the cloaked dudes pokes Sulu with his stick.

Sulu is beamed aboard the Enterprise.

Sulu starts talking about how Kirk isn't "of the body" and "Archons" and "Landrew" and "paradise."

Everyone watching this episode thinks about laying off the drugs for a while.

Titles!

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3156.2: While orbiting planet Beta III, trying to find some trace of the starship Archon that disappeared a hundred years ago, a search party consisting of two Enterprise officers was sent to the planet below. Mr. Sulu has returned, but in a highly agitated mental state. His condition requires I beam down with an additional search detail."

The search detail is our famous trio and three random crewmen…and they're all in period costumes!

_(((Kirk looks absolutely adorable, and Spock looks like David Bowie met a Ringwraith…which is also adorable.)))_

A townsperson walks by in a particularly creepy, serene way.

Spock: "Odd…"

_(((…says the man in a black head wrap…)))_

Spock: "The expression on that man's face. Mindlessness. Vacant contentment."

Kirk: "Like Sulu. If everyone on this planet is like him…"

They all start walking down the street, and happen upon a creepy dude who asks if they're strangers and if they come for the festival and oh do they have a place to sleep it off yet? Kirk has zero clue what the guy is talking about, but plays along. The guy says that there's a place around the corner where someone named Rejer can put them up but they need to hop to it 'cause it's almost the Red Hour...whatever the fuck that means.

Kirk looks at the big clock in town's square and sees that it's almost six, which is apparently when the festival begins.

A woman joins the conversation then, and its Rejer's daughter, Tula. The guy asks if her father can put the strangers up…in the creepiest way possible. Tula asks if the newcomers are from the valley, and the blonde random crewman decides to speak up and say that they've just arrived.

_(((Whoa there, random crewman, who died and made you Captain Sexy Pants?)))_

Then the clock strikes six, and everyone on the street goes bat. shit. INSANE.

People start screaming, throwing hats, ripping their clothes, making out, beating each other up, breaking shit, one chick even throws herself on Kirk and lays a big kiss on him, which confuses him more than anything else.

_(((It's like they just told a town full of Trekkies that Kirk and Spock were in love with each other…or you know…something…)))_

Kirk and company seek refuge in a house where they run into three older gents. Kirk says they're from the valley, even though he still has no idea what the hell that even MEANS.

Random Blonde Crewmember: "Are you Rejer?"

Rejer: "Yes."

Random Blonde Crewmember: "You have a daughter named Tula."

Rejer: "Yes."

Random Blonde Crewmember: "Well you better do something, she's outside!"

_(((Again, blondie? You. are not. Captain. Sexy Pants. I admire the gumption and all, but really…)))_

A weird conversation ensues, with older gents talking about someone named Landrew and about how the group is full of young men and are not old enough to be excused from the Festival O' Crazy.

Kirk is all "Uhhh…we just want a place to rest." And Rejer obliges, leading the way to what will be their room.

The room has a bunch of bunk beds, and you can hear the din of the bat shit insanity happening outside. Kirk asks Rejer to hear more about Landrew, which Rejer finds strange…for some reason.

Cut to later, Kirk is watching the madness happening outside, that is now complete with torches and looting. You know, _fun_. Kirk gives the group some orders, and points out to Spock that they have "some serious thinking to do" and that he wants to have a plan of action by morning.

Cut to…even later, I guess. Kirk is wrapped up in a blanket (heehee), he clearly hasn't slept at all, while everyone else is out like a light.

Kirk walks to the window, passing by Spock on the way there.

_(((Is Spock sleeping with his eyes open? I'm pretty sure he is, 'cause when Kirk wakes him up in a second he reacts like he's been asleep. Hmm..)))_

Kirk watches the rioting madness a bit more, and when the clock strikes 6am everyone drops the crazy and goes about their business.

_(((Riot? What riot? We weren't rioting.)))_

Kirk wakes everyone up and they hear a woman screaming so they run off to see what's going on, because this is Star Trek and that's what people do. Tula is freaking out because she's just done incredibly horrific things and she apparently has a conscious. Kirk reveals to Rejer that they didn't go to the festival, and the old gents finally conclude that Kirk and company are "not of the body."

_(((Um, have you SEEN Kirk with no shirt? He is most definitely OF THE BODY, sir. The hot, hot body.)))_

Rejer then asks if they're Archons.

Kirk: "What if we are?"

_(((Kirk still hasn't the foggiest idea what the hell any of this means, he's playing along to try and get information about, well, ANYTHING.)))_

Rejer: "It was said more would follow. If you are indeed-"

Other Old Guy: "We must hide them, quickly. The lawgivers."

Kirk: "We'll take care of ourselves."

_(((Kirk's not being rude. Just fyi.)))_

Other Old Guy: "Landrew will know. He will come!"

_(((And if we knew who the hell Landrew WAS, we might be INTIMIDATED by that information!!)))_

Speak of the unexplained-villain, a couple of Landrew's lackeys come in! They're lead by the third old guy, who wants to see them burn because the Other Old Guy 'mocked the lawgivers' while Kirk and company didn't attend the festival.

_(((So Kirk and company DIDN'T rape, vandalize, and kill for twelve hours…and that'ssssssss….bad?)))_

The Other Old Guy steps forward and gets his proper punishment of having smoke and fairy dust shot out of a stick at him.

_(((Um…take THAT?)))_

The Other Old Guy falls down dead.

_(((Whoa…remind me to never piss off Tinkerbell.)))_

Then the lackeys with sticks accuse Kirk of attacking the Body.

_(((What body?)))_

They are then accused of disobeying the word.

_(((What word???)))_

And then they're told that they will therefore be absorbed.

_(((What sponge?!?!?!)))_

Back from commercial to pick right back up where we left off. The lackeys are like, "Come with us," and Kirk is all, "Uh…no?" and this makes the lackeys take a little time to make a huddle. Apparently they're not used to defiance.

After they're little meeting, they slowly turn back to Kirk and are all, "So you like CLEARLY didn't get it the first time so we'll rephrase it. YOU. ABSORBED. NOW." To which Kirk basically says, "Yeah yeah, when we're good and ready."

Kirk then takes one of the lackey's sticks away.

_(((For some reason, the previous sentence makes me giggle wicked hard. Seriously…read it a couple of times. ::Snicker:: )))_

Spock inspects the stick _(((hahaha, why is that so funny to me??))) _and says its merely, well…a stick. The lackeys, btw have gone all quiet and catatonic. Rejer is al "zomg they're communing let's get out of here before Landrew shows up!"

_((('Communing,' 'of the body,' 'the valley,' 'Landrew'…could there be MORE whacked out lingo? Somebody EXPLAIN something!!)))_

Rejer, followed by Kirk and company, all take a stroll outside while being careful not to seem too "abnormal" to all of Landrew loyal people walking around. The next thing you know everybody walking around freezes in place.

_(((And STOP!_

_HAMMERTIME!!))_

Rejer: "Landrew...he's summoning the body!"

_(((Again, that would be absolutely terrifying and everything if we knew what the crap YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.)))_

The townspeople then bend down and pick up the nearest blunt object. Kirk then orders for phasers to be put on stun, because he didn't graduate from the Academy yesterday.

Rejer leads them all down an alley where they have to phaser some people…and then phaser some more people…but oh wait one of those people is the random crewman who was with Sulu in the beginning! Ach, du lieber!

Kirk is all, "Bring him with us!" and Rejer is all, "Dude, when he wakes up Landrew will find us through him so that idea is like totally made of SUCK."

Kirk makes the executive decision to bring the random crewman along anyway and Rejer leads them to a dungeon looking place. He busts out a 'lighting panel' to brighten up the room a bit.

Rejer (referring to lighting panel): "Comes from a time before Landrew."

Kirk: "Before Landrew? How long ago was that?"

_(((SHHHH, maybe we get to find out something…)))_

Rejer: "Nobody knows, positively. Some say as long ago as 6,000 years."

_(((…or not.)))_

Spock detects a strong power radiating in all directions. McCoy announces that the random crewman that was phasered into submission will be coming around soon.

Rejer: "He must not! He's been absorbed."

The music acts like we've never heard this word before…

Kirk: "Absorbed?"

…and so does Kirk.

Rejer: "The body absorbs its enemies. It only kills when it has to."

_(((OHHHH now it all makes sense._

_Wait, no it doesn't.)))_

Rejer: "When the first Archons came they were free, out of control, opposing the will of Landrew. Many were killed, many more were absorbed. When he regains consciousness, Landrew will find us through him! And if the others come-"

Kirk: "What others?"

Rejer: "Those like you and me, who resist Landrew."

Spock: "How are you organized?"

Rejer: "In threes. Myself, Tama, who's dead now, and one other."

Kirk: "Who?"

Rejer: "I don't know. Tama was my contact."

_(((So you work in threes, one is anonymous, and the guy that died was the only contact to the guy that's anonymous._

_Sir, are you familiar with the term "dipshit?")))_

McCoy kind of needs and answer to the whole 'do I let him wake up or not' thing, and Kirk decides to keep the random crewman sedated.

Kirk: "Rejer, I want some answers."

_((('Cause it's twenty minutes into the episode and if we don't give the audience SOMETHING they're gonna flip to Dick Van Dyke.)))_

Kirk then proceeds with a little questionnaire:

Q: How are you not of the body?

A: Dunno, we just kind of escape the orders and shit.

Q: Wtf are Archons?

A: They invaded the body and just would not listen to Landrew, which is weird 'cause Landrew pulled them down from the sky.

Oooo, that sounds like a Starship. Could the power Spock was detecting earlier take down a Starship? According to Spock, yes.

Kirk then contacts the Enterprise, where Scotty says that they're under attack from high powered heat beams and they have to put ALL the power to the shields or they're done for, which means they can't do fuck all. Basically, they need the beam shut off like NOW.

Spock then detects that they're being probed by…something. Then Landrew shows up in the form of a ghostly looking thing.

_(((And he wore his best gold bed sheet for the occasion too, how thoughtful._

………

_Yay 60s.)))_

Landrew: "I…am Landrew."

_(((Hows about you tell us something that's not DEAD OBVIOUS?)))_

Spock: "Projection, captain. Unreal."

Kirk: "But beautiful, Mr. Spock, with no apparatus at this end."

Landrew: "You come as destroyers. You bring an infection."

_((Whoa there Mr. Flashy Robes, thanks to McCoy Kirk got rid of that infection a loooong time ago._

…………………………

_/end obvious joke)))_

Kirk: "You're holding my ship. I demand you release it."

Landrew: "You've come to a world without hate, without fear, without conflict."

_(((Except for the whole Red Hour Festival thing, but heck that's just good clean fun.)))_

Landrew: "No war, no disease, no crime. None of the ancient evils."

_(((Again…good clean fun.)))_

Landrew: "Landrew seeks tranquility, peace for all, the universal good."

Kirk tries to talk to Landrew, but he doesn't directly respond. Spock then makes the observation that Landrew doesn't hear him. Kirk keeps trying to talk to the thing, however, but Landrew is a touch busy talking about how being absorbed will be a good ol' time of merging their individuality with the absolute good etc.

Then a frequency is emitted that sends everyone to the floor, and the show to commercial.

Kirk comes around first and realizes that his weapons and gear are gone, oh and they're in a different place, oh and the way out has been shut tight. He wakes up Spock and the rest of the crew, but McCoy is missing! Spock makes a comment about the frequency being a sound wave to avoid a plot hole and they start to try to figure out how the crap to get out of this mess.

Spock then comments about how the lackey's response to defiance was kind of like a computer's response to insufficient data so, you know…there's that.

Speaking of lackeys, a couple of them bring McCoy and the other random crewman back. Kirk tries talking to McCoy but the country doctor is all "Hi friend" and "Oooo Landrew."

Kirk tries the incredibly scientific method of trying to SHAKE sense into him, but it doesn't work.

Then another couple of lackeys pop in for Kirk.

Lackey: "Come."

Kirk: "No."

Lackey: "Then you will die."

_(((Oh…well then…::cough::)))_

Well since the choice seems to absorption or death _(((not even a cake option, how cruel)))_ Spock advises for Kirk to go along with it.

Kirk: "Work on Bones. See if you can't-"

Lackey: "Come."

Kirk and Spock look at each other, then Kirk goes with the lackeys…as Spock watches.

_(((Awwww, Spock watches him go. It's just so _sweet_.)))_

The second Kirk is gone, Spock sits next to McCoy.

Spock: "Dr. McCoy, what will happen to him?"

_(((Is that…_concern_ in your voice, Spock? How _human_ of you._

_So. Adorable.)))_

McCoy: "He goes to joy, peace and tranquility. He goes to meet Landrew. Happiness is to all of us, blessed by Landrew."

_(((Translation: I'm sorry, Leonard McCoy isn't in right now, but if you leave a message he'll get right back to you after Kirk and Spock weasels everyone out of this freakin' mess.)))_

Cut to Kirk being fastened into, what we all assume to be, the absorption machine. A Baldy in orange robes gets ready to suck the soul out of Kirk. Fun!

Cut back to Spock and company.

Blonde Crewman: "Are we just gonna stand here?"

Spock: "Little else we can do, unless you can think of a way to get through that door."

Blonde Crewman: "Well this is simply ridiculous, a bunch of stone age characters running around in robes."

_(((Quoting directly from this episode's first Pitch meeting to the studio there.)))_

Spock points out that its all still very dangerous, and a couple of lackeys pop in and take Spock off to be absorbed.

We join Kirk in the absorption chamber as he's released. As he makes his way to the exit, Spock arrives. Kirk greets him with the same creepy type of 'hello' that every other whack job uses.

Spock watches him leave and arches an eyebrow. Kirk's been absorbed! OH NOES!!!

Come back from commercial to see Spock in restraints with two shafts being stuck in his face.

_(((WHOA, did I accidentally change channels?)))_

The lackeys withdraw their Sticks of Minor Intimidation and go off to be creepy elsewhere.

_(((Oh…no such luck, then.)))_

Mr. Baldy turns on the machine.

Baldy: "Have no fear, friend, the effect is harmless. My name is Marpon. I was too late to save your first two friends, they have been absorbed. Beware of them."

Spock is then released from the machine.

Spock: "What about the captain?"

_(((Well well, Spock, a creature as logical as you should have been able to deduce that when Baldy said 'first two' that meant McCoy and the random crewman, which would mean that Kirk was fine. But nooo, you have to be _absolutely_ sure, don't you? Fascinating…)))_

Baldy is like "Chillax, he's fine, I'm the third broham in the trio whats-his-nuts was babblin' about earlier."

Then Baldy says that Spock and company's presence is fulfillment of a prophecy, but Spock is quick to say that they're soooo not Archons.

Spock asks the classic, "What the fuck is Landrew?" question, and it goes classically unanswered as lackeys show up to escort Spock back to the dungeony place.

Spock gets back and finds the blonde crewman and Kirk off in a corner, with McCoy close by.

Spock: "Captain-"

Kirk: "Peace and tranquility to you."

Kirk drops the act, and his voice.

Kirk: "Are you alright?"

_(((…come on…you know you want to…_

…………………………

_AwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwWWWWWWwwwwww._

_They both ask about each other's well being in this episode and that, ladies and gents, is CUTE.)))_

They speak quietly, but don't get very far before McCoy is all "Heyyy, you're whispering and stuff…I r suspicious," but some creepy, soothing words from Kirk calms him down.

Kirk and Spock reason out that all is well in this little universe until something doesn't go according to plan, while the blonde crewman sits just off camera and accepts the fact that it's not his ruttin' show.

Spock: "Question is: Who gives those orders?"

Kirk: "Landrew."

Spock: "There is no Landrew, captain. Not in the human sense."

A smile tugs at the corner of Kirk's mouth.

Kirk: "You're thinking the same thing I am."

_(((HEEHEEHEEHEE. I love it when they're on the same page. They seem to love it too. XD )))_

Kirk then states that the 'plug' needs to be pulled, which kind of surprises Spock.

_(((They were on the same page about Landrew being a computer, not this. Just FYI.)))_

Spock: "Sir?"

Kirk: "Landrew must die."

Spock: "Captain, our prime directive of non interference…"

Kirk: "That refers to a living, growing culture. You think this one is?"

_(((Ah, the Prime Directive. This is the first mention of the big golden rule of Starfleet. The Prime Durective basically says that no one is allowed to directly interfere with a civilication's status or development. So no landing on a caveman planet and showing them fire, or no discovering a planet where swords are the only weapon and showing them phasers, etc._

_Kirk is right in this case, this planet isn't exactly a thriving culture, in fact its been halted for quite some time now. No violation.)))_

Then Rejer and Baldy come in and play along with McCoy before approaching Kirk and giving him a communicator.

It takes about ten seconds for McCoy to get wise to what's going on and he starts yelling that they're not of the body. Kirk tries to calm him down, but McCoy starts strangling him to the point where Kirk has to fight back. He knocks the poor country doctor out and he hears someone coming. Kirk and Spock hide, then ambush the two lackeys and knock them out. This time Spock decides to forego the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and just deck the loon.

_(((Oh my, Spock, you wouldn't be ANGRY about what they tried to do to KIRK, would you?)))_

Kirk: "Isn't that somewhat old fashioned?"

_(((Oh Shatner, I love you.)))_

They take the lackeys' robes and ask Baldy where they can find Landrew, and he eventually says that the Hall of Audiences is in this very building. Spock contacts the Enterprise where Scotty is freaking out because they only have enough power for six hours of orbit if that annoying beam is kept on them. Kirk orders that Sulu be guarded and hangs up.

Kirk: "Alright, about Landrew."

_(((If someone has to ask about Landrew one more FREAKIN' time and NOT get an answer, I swear I will go CRAZY like a SPOCK who's just had his MOTHER insulted.)))_

Rejer: "It was war, convulsions, the world was destroying itself. Landrew was our leader. He saw the truth. He changed the world, he took us back…back to a simpler time. A time of peace and tranquility."

Kirk: "What happened to him?"

Bald Dude: "He's still alive. He's here now. He sees, he hears…we have destroyed ourselves! Please…no more."

_(((Oh…well okay then…I won't go crazy. I still CAN and everything I just, you know…won't.)))_

Kirk: "You said you wanted freedom. It's time you learned that freedom is never a gift, it has to be earned."

_(((Aaaaaaand waBAM, we have a message! One of them, anyway.)))_

Rejer then decides that now would be a good time to freak out and try to submit to the will of Landrew, and Spock decides that now is a good time for some hot Vulcan Pinch on Rejer action. This leaves Baldy to escort Kirk and Spock to Landrew, which he does.

Cut to the Hall of Audiences, where Kirk and Spock are in complete lackey get ups, hoods and all. We then get a close up of Kirk's face.

_(((Don't laugh at the captain don't laugh at the captain_ _don't laugh at the captain…)))_

They go on in and take off their (precious little) lackey robes. Kirk then shouts out for Landrew to show himself, which he does in his usual ghostly form. Once Kirk gets good and annoyed with Landrew's projection spewing bullshit, he whips out his phaser. Both he and Spock fire at the thing until there's a hole in the wall…that reveals a supercomputer!

Upon seeing this, Kirk and Spock trade "Ha! We were right" glances, complete with Spock's eyebrows momentarily hitting the ceiling.

_(((They just loooooooove being right together, and it's so damn CUTE that it's almost revolting._

…

_Almost.))) _

Spock: "This whole society is a machine's concept of perfection."

_(((Aaaaaan waBAM, another message. If we forced civilization into a state of 'perfection' we would all be mindless, temperate drones, as if we were run by machines instead of emotions._

…_well that message has been fairly obvious throughout the episode but you know...whateva.)))_

Loooooong story short (too late): The computer neutralizes their phasers, so Kirk has to outsmart the thing (with the occasional helpful remark from Spock…heehee, teamwork). He does, convincing the computer that the computer itself is violating its own prime directive and should therefore be destroyed, so the computer essentially commits suicide. The people of this planet are free to be as emotionally unstable as the rest of the universe! Huzzah!!

Everyone's back on the bridge, and all is well.

Spock: "Marvelous."

Kirk: "What?"

_((("You, sir. You're marvelous. Now take my hand and let's be marvelous together."_

…_oh wait, this was the 60s, so instead Spock went with this…)))_

Spock: "The late Landrew, Captain. Marvelous feat of engineering. A computer capable of directing the lives of millions of human beings."

Kirk: "But only a machine, Mr. Spock. The original Landrew programmed it with all his knowledge but he couldn't give it his wisdom, his compassion, his understanding, his _soul_, Mr. Spock."

_(((Oh my…that last 'Mr. Spock' was awfully quiet and…ahem…lovely. And by 'lovely' I mean 'intimate as all hell.')))_

_(((Also, check out the way Kirk looks at Spock during this next bit. There is nothing else that makes Kirk look like that. Nothing.)))_

Spock: "Predictably metaphysical. I prefer the concrete, the graspable, the provable."

_(((You know, Kirk's got some things that are pretty graspable for you, Spock…_

………………………

_What?)))_

Kirk: "You'd make a splendid computer, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "That is very kind of you, captain."

Cut to Kirk smiling his head off at Spock.

_(((Really people, how many times does Kirk have to smile at Spock like THAT before people look at it and go, "Hm, maybe this IS canon?" _

_Wishful. Thinking. My. ASS.)))_

Then Uhura chimes in and ruins the slashy fun for a moment, saying that the guy they left on the planet to sort shit out is calling in to say goodbye and report that people are fighting and isn't that just oh so human? Kirk bids the guy farewell and that's that.

Spock: "How often mankind has wished for a world as peaceful and secure as the one Landrew provided."

Kirk: "Yes, and we never got it. Just lucky, I guess."

Spock's eyebrows pop up as if to say, 'Indeed.'

Kirk smiles at him.

_(((Boys, PLEASE, people will start to think that something CRAZY is going on, like FLIRTING or SEXUAL TENSION, and that would just be INSANE.)))_

End of Episode!

* * *

**Score! ^.^**

Episode Specific:

Times Kirk Takes a Stick Away From Somebody – 1

Times I Was Creeped Out By Somebody Acting…Creepy – 23212

General:

Times Kirk Outsmarts Computer – 3

Times Kirk is Put in a Ridiculous Machine - 3

Kirk and/or Others Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 1


	23. 1x23 A Taste of Armageddon

**Author's Note:** Oh my, we're pushing 300 reviews now. You guys are as amazing as you are…uh…chatty? Yeah, let's go with that. My love for you guys knows no bounds.

Speaking of, I've been able to coax a pretty good number of lurkers out from their caves to comment…but I know there's more of you out there…::dangles slashy carrot:: Come onnnn, you know you wannaaaaaa. XD

Sooo, about the episode. I love it for so many reasons. I'd even say that this is one of my favorites of the season.

::Tries really hard to ignore the fact that she just rhymed::

P.S. – Don't ask what a slashy carrot is. You don't want to know.

You do not. want. to know.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Three: A Taste of Armageddon**

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3192.1: The Enterprise is en route to star cluster NGC 321. Objective: Open diplomatic relations with the civilizations known to be there. We have sent a message to Aminear 7, principal planet of the star cluster, informing them of our friendly intentions. We are awaiting an answer."

Kirk is pacing back and forth between Spock and Uhura's station, then wanders off for a second to sign a report. An older looking fellow enters the bridge and we learn that he's an Ambassador. Uhura pipes up that Minear 7 is finally making contact and repeating 'Code 710.'

_(((Although, how anyone can listen to what she's saying is beyond me with her legs on display like THAT._

_Really, look at them! Bravo, Nichelle, dayum.)))_

Ambassador: "Is that supposed to mean something?"

Kirk: "Code 710 means that under no circumstances are we to approach that planet. No circumstances whatsoever."

_(((But what if there are circumstances?)))_

Ambassador: "You will disregard that signal, captain."

_(((…I don't think I'm gonna like you…)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Fox, it _is_ their planet."

Ambassador: "Captain, the past twenty years thousands of lives have been lost in this quadrant. Lives that could've been saved if Federation had a treaty port here. We need to have that port, and I'm here to get it."

Kirk is then all, "Dude, _lovin' _the whole boy scout thing, but if we land on that planet it could totally land us in the middle of, you know, a WAR." But the Ambassador dickhead comes back with, "Gee that's nice, too bad I don't give a crap about this ship and I outrank you so be a good little golden boy and do what I say because I have every right to assume command."

The Ambassador leaves, and Kirk is none too happy. Spock approaches and tries to offer advice, but Kirk cuts him off and announces to the crew that they're going in.

_(((Aw, poor Spock. He was just trying to help. =(_

_We even get a nice shot of Spock with a 'but…but…you cut me off' expression. Only it's Spock, so the look of it is much more subtle. Yay Nimoy.)))_

Before they hop on down to Aminear 7, Spock gives Kirk a few details about the planet. Its advanced, it was at war 500 years ago, the last expedition to report on the planet never came back, you know, the usual.

The Ambassador enters the bridge then and insists on beaming down with them because he's a diplomat and he does that kind of shit, but Kirk is quick to shoot him down because, even though the Ambassador is a douche, Kirk is still a wee bit responsible for the douche's safety.

Spock then gives Kirk the current status of everything, and how nobody seems to notice that they're even there in the first place.

Beam down time!

We see the planet, and the team beams down (Kirk/Spock, two random crewman and a yeoman) and a pretty blonde woman + two escaped guards from Alice in Wonderland greet them.

We get the va-va-voom ZOMG pretty lady music…

_(((::Gasp:: A Dame of the Hour? It's been AGES since we've seen one of those! (Dans of the Hour notwithstanding). )))_

...that Kirk completely ignores as he introduces himself. The blonde's name is Maea III and she calmly escorts them to a covered area so she can bitch at them for setting foot on this planet.

_(((So wait…this is the first good lookin' woman and OBVIOUS Dame of the Hour material in like EIGHT episodes and there's no fireworks at ALL? In fact, in twenty three episodes there have only been THREE human women put into Kirk's path, and only one of those can be argued as a genuine interest on Kirk's part (although the argument isn't necessarily strong)._

_If Kirk is a playboy, then that sumbitch is the LAZIEST playboy I've ever seen._

…………

…_OR…_

…………

_XD )))_

Kirk then informs Maea that he was kind of _ordered_ to come here, so why the whole "step the hell off our planet" business? Maea tries to explain that they're in danger, but it sure doesn't look that way to Kirk.

Kirk looks over at Spock, and is surprised when he finds that Spock is looking at him.

He's snapped out of it by Maea talking.

_(((Hmmmmmm……interesting……I'm not sure if it was Kirk who was surprised that Spock was looking at him or if it was Shatner surprised that Nimoy was looking at him, if you get what I mean._

_Either way, cute.)))_

Maea basically says, "Welp, since you're here we might as well be nice to you so let's go meet the high council, eh?"

Kirk and company follow her into a room and meet five stern looking men. Kirk introduces his party and they meet Anon 7, the leader.

Kirk: "My mission is to establish diplomatic relations between your people and mine."

Anon: "That is impossible."

Kirk: "Would you mind telling me why?"

Anon: "Because of the war."

_(((But…it's like, not a war between US, right, so…what's the problem, again?)))_

Apparently they've been at war for 500 years, which is kinda weird because the place looks pretty darn peaceful. Anon then drops a couple of casual bits of information, millions of people die from the war each year, as long as your ship is here it's in grave danger, you know, the usual.

They're at war with a planet called Vendekar and, speak of the devil, Vendekar attacks! There's a hit right in the city…but there's no screaming alerts, no ground shaking from impact, nothing. Kirk and company don't really get what's going on until it's explained that the war is fought entirely with computers and the people who are deemed casualties get to walk into a disintegration chamber and die.

_(((Well that's just a tad terrifying.)))_

Kirk: "You mean to tell me your people just walk into a disintegration machine when they're told to?"

Anon: "We have a high consciousness of duty, captain."

Spock: "There is a certain scientific logic about it."

Anon: "I'm glad you approve."

Spock: "I do not approve, I understand."

_(((Whoa there, back the Vulcan train up for a second. We never get any specifics as to WHY Spock disapproves so we get to theorize. As a being based in logic it's obvious how Spock could understand their system, but then why doesn't he approve? LOGICALLY it makes total sense, but EMOTIONALLY it's bat shit insane. I think we just got a sneaky little look at Spock's duality. The Vulcan half understands, but the human half just cannot agree.)))_

Anon then tells Kirk a couple of simple facts, like since the Enterprise was in orbit it was a fair target and, whups, that target has been declared a casualty of war so the entire crew has twenty four hours to hop on down here and die, since you'll obviously object to that I'm having your landing party taken into custody, you know, the usual.

Commercial!

And we're back to find Kirk and company in a room that looks more like a waiting area than a holding cell. Kirk is pacing and Maea drops in to see if they need anything.

_(((Coffee? Tea? Death?)))_

Kirk: "I wish to speak to Anon 7."

Maea: "He is busy coordinating casualty lists."

Kirk: "He'll have more casualty lists than he knows what to do with if he doesn't get in here and talk to me."

_(((WHOA, Kirk, breeeeeathe, inhale, exhale. Has he ever made a threat like that? I'm pretty sure he hasn't. Captain Sexy Pants is not a happy camper.)))_

Kirk and Maea argue a bit, and she drops the proverbial bomb that she's been reported as a casualty and then starts to explain how if she didn't walk into a disintegration chamber then their enemy would have to launch real weapons and that would destroy buildings and we just can't have THAT.

Kirk is a bit busy during her little speech though, trading a slow, grim look with Spock.

_(((They both clearly agree: This whole planet is made of CRAZY.)))_

Kirk still doesn't like the whole arrangement...obviously. Maea asks if they need anything.

_(((You know, I could go for a nice strong cup of WE'RE ABOUT TO CATCH A WHIFF OF DEATH AND YOU'RE OFFERING US REFRESHMENTS. _

_YOU. _

_PSYCHO.)))_

Back on the Enterprise, where Scotty's running things, McCoy says that they should've heard something by now. The captain decides to contact the ship then, saying that everything's just peachy keen and the entire crew has been invited for shore leave! Huzzah!

But we get a shot of who's really talking and it's Anon 7 with a voice changing thingy! Uh…Not Huzzah!

The whole 'shore leave' thing sounds a bit shifty to Scotty, because Scotty is not a dingbat. He has Kirk's voice analyzed and figures out that it wasn't really him, so now the Enterprise is wise to the fact that something is most definitely UP.

Cut to Kirk and Spock back in the room. Spock sets to reaching through the wall with his telepathic powers and into the mind of the guard on the other side of the door. This takes a good few seconds.

Kirk watches.

_(((And holy shit does he WATCH. We only get a couple of seconds to see his expression, but JESUS SLASH CHRIST is it lovely. He's almost grinning, his gaze is fixed, and check out the BREATHING. I think Kirk likes it when Spock uses his telepathic powers, eh? What?)))_

Spock gets the guard to open the door and Kirk takes him out with a couple of quick judo chops to the neck.

_(((This episode is pretty Judo Chop Happy, actually._

_Yay 60s.)))_

He gets the gun from the guard and goes to head out, but stops.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…we'll need more weapons."

Spock: "I understand."

Kirk: "We'll try to take it easy, but if we're forced to kill…"

Spock nods in agreement and they go on their way.

_(((Well now would you look at that, Kirk is being sensitive to Spock's respect for life. He could've just said 'hey, we'll probably have to kill something, deal with it' like, I dunno, a _regular _captain might do with a _regular _first officer, but instead he broaches the subject gently and, again, sensitively._

_Someone's got a soft spot for the ol' hobgoblin._

…………………………

…_...heeheeheeheehee……)))_

The entire group sneaks into the hall.

_(((Yup, all five of them. They're a freaking HERD, and they're sneaking around._

_Yay 60s.)))_

They happen upon a disintegration machine, and are appropriately horrified. Maea passes by then and Kirk catches her by the arm.

Kirk: "What do you think you're doing?"

Maea: "I'm going-"

Kirk: "You're not going in there."

Maea: "But I must-"

Kirk: "No you're not."

_(((Cool your jets, het fans, this is not an act of "I LUV U DUN DIE!"_

_This is an act of "DIS SHIT KRAZEE DUN BE STOOPID."_

………

_Yes._

_Just like that.)))_

_(((But no really, there's no romantic undertone to his action. He just has a SOUL and some NOT LOONY to go with it.)))_

Kirk then sends Spock after the guard that's near the disintegration machine and has magically NOT seen the herd of escaped prisoners in the hall way.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Spock approaches the guard. He is the picture of calm.

Kirk smiles as he watches.

_(((Jesus, Kirk, you wanna start a Spock Watching business? You know what they say: 'Find a job you love doing and never work again.')))_

Spock stands in front of the guard.

_(((And none of the other guards move becaaauuuussseeee?_

_Maybe they're too stunned by Spock's BAMFness.)))_

Spock: "Sir, there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder."

::Vulcan Nerve Pinch::

::The guard goes down::

_(((SQUEEEEEEEE!!! GODDAMNIT SPOCK, __**I LOVE YOU**__.)))_

Spock then calmly lifts the gun off the guard and now has everyone at gun point. Kirk then shoots the machine and destroys it. One down, however many more to go.

Meanwhile the high council is alerted to the fact that Kirk and company have escaped. Anon orders that people, you know, FIND THEM, and then orders an attack on the Enterprise. Ach, du lieber!

Back from commercial. On the Enterprise, Scotty is keeping everything up and running when BAM, they're attacked. The Ambassador arrives on the bridge to hear Scotty talk about launching some torpedoes, to which the Ambassador gives an emphatic, "HELL no."

Scotty argues with the Ambassador (because the Ambassador is a freaking MORON and Scotty, point of fact, is NOT) but rank is eventually pulled and the Ambassador orders that only diplomatic action be taken.

Scotty: "Diplomats. The best diplomat I know is a fully loaded phaser bank."

_(((Heehee, oh Scotty. ::Hugs::)))_

Cut to the waiting room where Kirk and company enter with Maea in tow. She's all, "Lemme go dieeee" and Kirk is like, "Uh, hows about no?"

Maea refuses to help them, and Kirk has to get all dramatic on her ass. That almost works, but Kirk has to throw a small grin her way before she finally caves.

_(((Romance? Yes?_

_Sorry, no. Kirk grins as a last ditch effort to get her to help, and it's not even a full on assault._

_Poor het fans, this show just doesn't give them all that much attention. =( )))_

Cut to the high council getting word that the dipshit Ambassador on the Enterprise is trying to contact them.

The conversation goes something *like* this:

Ambassador: "Hey dude, why are you firing on us? We like you!"

Anon: "Lies lies lies, oh we thought YOU were gonna attack US, lies lies lies, the captain and everyone are fine, you can lower your screens, lies lies lies, come on down and we'll have some cake."

Ambassador: "Oh, well then I'll buy anything you say! Tootles!"

Anon: "Die. I mean- Bye!"

The connection is mutually severed.

Ambassador: "Diplomacy, gentlemen, should be a job left to diplomats."

_(((NO. WAY._

_Be careful with that information, sir, its way too MIND BLOWING to just be tossed around like that.)))_

Ambassador: "You will, of course, immediately resume a peaceful status."

Scotty: "No sir. I will not."

_(((HELL YEAH, Scotty!! ::Cheers:: )))_

Ambassador: "What did you say?"

Scotty: "I'll not lower the screens, not until the captain tells me too."

_(((YEAH, Ambassador, NOW WHAT???!!!)))_

Ambassador: "You are taking orders from _me_. You will lower the screens as a sign of good faith. My authority-"

Scotty: "I know about your authority, but the screens stay UP."

_(((::Waves pom poms:: LOVEEEEEE. GAH, SO MUCH LOVE.)))_

McCoy: "Mr. Fox, they faked a message from the captain, they launched an attack against our ship, now you want us to trust them openly?"

_(((Oooooo, now McCoy's in on it! GO BOYS!!!)))_

Ambassador: "I want you, and expect you, to obey my lawful orders."

Scotty: "No sir. I won't lower the screens."

Ambassador: "Your refusal to comply with my orders has endangered the entire success of this mission. I can have you sent to a penal colony for this!"

Scotty: "That you can, sir, but I won't lower the screens."

_(((It's called THEIR LOYALTY, Ambassador. IT'S NOT YOURS.)))_

The Ambassador finally retreats.

McCoy: "Well, Scotty, now you've done it."

Scotty: "Aye, the haggas is in the fire for sure, but I'll lower the defenses on the word of that mealy mouthed gentleman down below. Not until I know what happened to the captain."

_(((Jesus Christ, Scotty, CAN I BOTTLE YOU???)))_

Cut to Anon's quarters as he pours himself a drink. Kirk sneaks inside but the music gives his presence away. Anon is quick to call Kirk a barbarian and goes to use a bunch of interesting adjectives, which is apparently a little entertaining to Kirk.

Anon: "What do you want, captain?"

Kirk: "I want to contact my ship. Where are the communicators?"

Kirk then pokes his weapon right into Anon's, well…his man boob.

_(((How they did this with a straight face is beyond. me.)))_

Anon, however, insists on being difficult and bullshits for a while before finally saying:

Anon: "You're worried about your ship, captain. I'm trying to save a world."

Kirk pushes Anon back against a wall.

Kirk: "If I were you, I'd think about saving my life."

_(((Kirk. is not. fucking. around.)))_

_(((In other news: When he pushes Anon back, he looks DAMN SEXY. Like…like MMPH sexy. Like, 'I AM STERN AND PISSED AND COMMANDING' sexy._

…………

_Just FYI….'cause that's important…to…the…plot…::cough::)))_

Anon gets Kirk to have a drink while he pulls a sneaky sneaky and trips the silent alarm. Kirk talks about how he can destroy this planet and he doesn't need the Enterprise to do it.

Anon finally tells Kirk where his gear is and he goes to leave.

He stops at the door, turns to Anon, and does the cutest damn 'come here' gesture' I've ever seen.

_(((::Melts::)))_

Kirk then throws Anon out the door and right into the inevitable guard that's waiting for him.

_(((How did Kirk know the guard was there? 'Cause he's the CAPTAIN.)))_

Kirk then puts up a good fight until he's knocked on the back of his head enough times to send him down for the count. Anon has him dragged off.

_(((Am I the only one that hates to see Kirk hurt?_

_I don't think I am.)))_

The Ambassador and some poor random schmuck beam down to the planet. Anon escorts them inside and says 'Oh yeah you're war casualties so you're gonna have to die, sorry. And the cake? It was a total lie.'

Cut to Spock in the waiting room, he gets a communicator to work, contacts Scotty and tells him that if anyone beams down here they're like soooo dead.

Scotty: "That ties it. That poppin' jay fox went down a couple of minutes ago."

_(((Seriously, Scotty….BOTTLE.)))_

Spock then decides to go for the Ambassador and the captain, instructing the random yeoman to keep Maea here, "knock her down and sit on her if you have to."

_(((My my, Spock gets feisty with language when he's been away from his captain. =P)))_

Spock and the two random crewman show up at a disintegration machine just in time to save the Ambassador.

_(((Spock uses force this time, in the form of judo chops, instead of a simple Pinch. Hm, well it has been established that they're in violent territory.)))_

Spock has everybody back away from the machine.

Ambassador: "What are you doing, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Practicing a peculiar variety of diplomacy, sir."

Spock destroys the machine.

_(((That's like the 32403__rd__ kick ass line of this episode. So. much. WIN.)))_

The Ambassador then tells Spock that Kirk has been captured.

_(((Spock seems to take the news in stride…except for a very telling glance downward. Remember: Spock = Subtle. Eye movements are key to his character._

_He cares._

_That is cute._

_If you don't like that…well then I can't help you.)))_

Cut to Kirk facing down Anon and the council. Anon tries to convince him, AGAIN, that what they're doing is like WAY better than real war 'cause real war is totally messy and gross and what they have is clean and painless, if you don't count the millions that have died! =D

Kirk explains that he's just some little ol' barbarian, as he intends to prove.

Anon has a communication channel opened to the Enterprise.

The second Kirk hears Scotty's voice he dives towards the console.

Kirk: "Scotty, general order 24 in two hours! Two hours!!!"

Kirk is wrestled back into his seat and Anon tells the Enterprise that they either beam down and die, or stay up there and Kirk and company die. Anon then tries to act like he's winning, but Kirk is having none of it.

Kirk: "You heard me give general order 24. That means, in two hours, the Enterprise will destroy Aminear 7."

Upon hearing this Anon orders that the Enterprise be fired upon but whups, the Enterprise has moved out of range.

Cut to a close up of Kirk has he has his victory moment.

_(((And oh what a subtle one it is. He doesn't even really move his face, he just radiates WIN for a couple of seconds, but I'll be damned if it doesn't leap out of the screen._

_Shatner? Act? Shit yeah he can.)))_

Meanwhile Spock is blasting his way through the halls, heading for Kirk.

And back to Kirk. Anon hears that their enemy knows they're short thousands of deaths.

Scotty contacts Anon then, and says that they're all kinds of ready to open a can of whoop ass on the planet in less than two hours.

Kirk then makes his move, snatching a weapon from a guard and knocking another two over. Kirk's back in control. Woo!

Spock and the cavalry come in then. Spock takes a look around and sees that Kirk has kind of already saved himself.

Spock: "I had assumed you needed help. I see I am in error."

_(((Oooo, check that slight Spock smile, eh? As anyone familiar with Vulcans knows, That small smile is just the tip of the iceberg. It indicates just how pleased and relieved he is to find that Kirk's okay.)))_

Kirk smiles at Spock.

Kirk: "Oh, I need the help."

_(((::Sigh:: These guys sure do know how to have a 2 second reunion.)))_

Spock starts looking at the room full of war computers while Kirk contacts Scotty and tells him to get ready to beam them out in ten minutes but, if they don't hear from them, continue with general order 24.

_(((But Brittany, Kirk wouldn't order for a whole planet to be destroyed!_

_It's okay guys, for all we know 'general order 24' means 'act like we're gonna go all world explody but don't really.'_

_Besides, Kirk always has a plan. XD )))_

Kirk: "Death, destruction, disease, horror, that's what war is all about, Anon. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided. You've made it neat and painless. So neat and painless you've had no reason to stop it, and you've had it for five hundred years. Since it seems to be the only way I can save my crew, my ship, I'm going to end it for you, one way or another."

_(((The message of this episode is pretty clear, yes? Yes. Good. _

_Go Roddenberry.)))_

Kirk then tells the Ambassador to get everyone the fuck out, except for a random baddie who shows them where their gear is. Spock then states that destroying this one computer will kill the rest, kind of like dominoes.

_(((Why they designed their WAR computers like this, I do not know.)))_

Anon: "Do you realize what you've done?"

Kirk: "Yes I do. I've given you back the horrors of war."

_(((Yup, Kirk's plan this whole time was to force the planets into an actual war, where he hopes that both parties will be too terrified to actually HAVE a war. _

_Oh that Kirk. He's a thinker, that one.)))_

Anon: "We're a killer species. It's instinctive! It's the same with you, your general order 24."

Kirk: "Alright, it's instinctive. The instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years."

_(((I love that he looks at Spock when says 'we're human beings.' Teehee.)))_

Kirk: "But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers, but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes, knowing that we're not going to kill today."

_(((Aaaaaand surprise message! Kirk basically spells it out, and that is quite a message to have._

_Roddenberry, sir, you are missed.)))_

Kirk then suggests that Anon contacts his enemy, that they're probably looking to avoid a real war as much as Anon is.

Ambassador: "As a third party interested only in peace and the establishment of normal relations, I shall be glad to offer my services as negotiator between you and Vendekar."

_(((They're doomed.)))_

Anon agrees to make contact and goes off with the Ambassador.

Kirk and Spock watch them go.

Spock: "There's a chance it may work, captain."

They look at each other, Kirk smiles.

_(((They have got the trading looks thing DOWN. Ugh, delicious.)))_

Kirk then calls the Enterprise and cancels general order 24 and asks to beam up. Then he flashes another grin at Spock.

_(((Guuuuuuhhhhh, so cute.)))_

Back on the bridge again, and all is well.

Uhura reports that, according to the Ambassador, initial conversations are going well.

_(((Doomed.)))_

Spock: "Captain, you took a big chance."

Kirk: "Did I, Mr. Spock? They had been killing three million people a year. It had been going on for five hundred years. An actual attack wouldn't have killed any more people than one of their computer attacks, but it would have ended their ability to make war. The fighting would have been over."

McCoy: "But you didn't know that it would work."

Kirk: "No, it was a calculated risk. Still, the Amineans keep a very orderly society and actual war is very messy business. Very, very messy business. I had a feeling they would do anything to avoid it, even talk peace."

Spock: "Feeling is not much to go on."

Kirk: "Sometimes a feeling, Mr. Spock, is all we humans have to go on."

_(((…………)))_

Spock: "Captain, you almost make me believe in luck."

_(((……………………………)))_

Kirk: "Why, Mr. Spock, you almost make me believe in miracles."

_(((……………………………………………………………_

……………………………………………

…………………………………………………………

_::cough::_

……………_so…………………how 'bout them 49ers?)))_

_(((You know how people usually hate other people who state the obvious? Like when someone states the reason something's funny and you're like, "Uh, yeah dude…that's why we're laughing."_

_That's how I feel right about now. I could point at the last three lines of this episode and go "Hey, that's incredibly suggestive and utterly canon slash," but then I could also point at the sky and say, "Hey, that's blue."_

_But since the majority of the world doesn't seem to GET IT, I guess I'll just go along as I have been:_

_HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST DIED FROM SLASH OVERLOAD._

_The last three lines are full of so much in your face ROMANCE that it's disgusting. Just look at the words! _

"_Sometimes a FEELING is all we humans have to GO ON."_

_The implications (and the delivery) knock you on your freaking ASS._

_And then the last two lines…holy god in heaven. If that's not BLATANT flirting/innuendo/ROMANCE than I __**literally**__ do not know what IS._

"_Why, Mr. Spock, you almost make me believe in miracles."_

_WHO TALKS LIKE THAT TO A FRIEND?!?! Here, here, okay, how about this: If a straight man is reading this, go to your closest friend in the entire world, I don't care who it is, look into their eyes, and say that line the exact way Kirk says it to Spock. What, don't like the thought of doing that? I'll tell you why: Because it's one of the most ROMANTIC lines you've EVER HEARD in this history of the UNIVERSE, that's why!!! _

_A DOG could BARK that to me and I would blush. SERIOUSLY._

_How the __**shit**__ is this __**not**__ considered __**canon**__?!?!!_

_::wheeze, exhale::_

………………

……………

_That is all.)))_

Thus endeth Taste of Armageddon….whew…

* * *

**Scorey Timey!**

Episode Specific:

Slash Overloads: 1

Times Scotty Tells the Ambassador NO: 5

General:

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4


	24. 1x24 Space Seed

**Author's Note:** ::Clears throat::

KHAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

There, that's done. Now we can all rest easy.

Ahem, so I probably would have had this up yesterday, but I got completely side tracked making Spirk Demotivationals…so…yeah…

You can see them, though! Here: http://conceptjunkie124. deviantart .com/gallery/

Just take the spaces out from around 'deviantart.'

There will be more…bwehehe…

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Four: Space Seed**

The Enterpise is coming up on an unknown space vessel. Spock says that it couldn't possibly be an Earth vessel, then Uhura says that there's a signal coming in and it's in Morse code.

Kirk: "I thought you said it couldn't possibly be an Earth vessel."

Spock: "I do not understand why it always gives you pleasure to see me proven wrong."

Kirk fights back a grin.

Kirk: "An emotional, Earth weakness of mine."

_(((::eyes widen:: Whoa, I was not expecting this much slash to be sloshed in my face so soon into the episode. You'd think I'd learn after Shore Leave, christ._

_I'm getting a whiff of Corbomite Maneuver, aren't you? Yes, Kirk is at it again with the 'emotional' stuff. He's also at it AGAIN with the grin, the soft voice, you know, the FLIRTING. _

_And still not a Dame of the Hour in sight. Fascinating.)))_

When they finally get close enough to see the ship, Spock determines that its from the 1990s and Kirk calls around to get some info. There are heartbeats and machines working on the ship, but the heartbeats are too low and slow to be human. Kirk puts everyone on red alert.

Back from titles. Well it's been an hour now and no changes. They're even still at red alert.

_(((So that damn siren has been wailing for an hour now? I'm pretty sure everything in SPACE knows that the ship is on alert, I think they can hit the mute button now.)))_

Kirk decides to down shift into stand by alert and switches off the siren.

_(((Too bad the crew's already gone DEAF.))) _

McCoy drops in and says that there's about 60-70 bodies on the Earth ship. Spock pipes up to say that the name of the vessel is the S.S. Botany Bay but it'll be kind of hard to figure out the part it played in history because the 90s was the time of Earth's last World War and the records keeping during that time wasn't all that great.

McCoy: "The Eugenics War."

Spock: "Of course, your attempt to improve the race through selective breeding."

McCoy: "Whoa now, wait a minute. Not _our_ attempt, Mr. Spock, a group of ambitious scientists. I'm sure you know the type. Devoted to logic, completely unemotional-"

Spock: "Doctor, I would-"

Kirk: "Alright alright, gentlemen, as you were."

_(((Well that was a lovely little mini-snipefest. I like how Kirk cuts it off once McCoy really starts comparing Spock to the scientists. Subtle, Kirk, subtle as a zebra in a limo.)))_

Kirk then makes sure all is well before heading to the elevator.

Kirk: "The bridge is yours, Mr Spock. Feel like joining the landing party, doctor?"

McCoy: "Well if you're actually giving me a choice-"

Kirk: "I'm not."

_(((Borderline snippy, eh Kirk? McCoy wouldn't have started to insult anybody special thirty seconds ago, now would he?)))_

Kirk stops himself before getting in the elevator and turns to Spock.

Kirk: "Oh I'll need somebody familiar with late century Earth. There's a chance for that historian to do something for a change. What's her name, uh, McGivers?"

Spock: "Lt. McGyvers."

_(((Well hey, we get a female in the picture! Too bad Kirk can't even get her name right. Ah well, I'm sure he'll pounce once he gets his eyes on her, being such an infamous playboy and all.)))_

McGyvers is called to the bridge, which kinda sucks for her 'cause she was getting ready to paint.

Cut to the transporter room. Kirk finds out that the atmosphere on the Botany Bay is suitable for humans and McCoy starts complaining about technology.

_((('Cause he's a crotchety old bastard, and we love him.)))_

McGyvers comes in, and Kirk fails to remember her name a.g.a.i.n. He gives her a brief once-over, looks back at McCoy, and they beam to the other ship.

_(((Yeah, he scoped her out briefly, but he didn't seem _too _excited. The look back to McCoy said 'Eh, not bad' more than anything else. Guess she's just not Dame of the Hour material. Poor her. =( )))_

So they beam to the ship to find a bunch of people in sleeping pods dressed in gold fishnets.

_(((Because those were all the rage in the early 90s.)))_

McCoy says that it's theoretically possible that the people might still be alive, Scotty gets the lights working, and oh look at that one of the pods has started the 'Wake the Hell Up' sequence.

Kirk asks McGyvers if the guy in the pod could be the leader but all she can do is make googly eyes at the guy.

_(((Apparently flamboyant clothing and an uber fake tan make the girl go MMPH.)))_

McGyvers snaps out of it and says that it's probably the leader, yeah. Then the pod malfunctions and the leader's vitals start getting weaker.

Kirk's solution is to break the glass and basically unlock it from the inside. They pull the leader on out and he immediately starts breathing heavily and opening his eyes. He asks Kirk how long he's been out and Kirk tells him two centuries.

_(((Kirk seems a little excited by Khan, and not just in the 'scientific discovery' way._

_Could the mind reel? Maybe…hmm…)))_

Back from commercial and now the leader is being revived on board the Enterprise. Kirk (on the bridge) contacts Scotty (on the Botany Bay) to see what he's found out so far. No records of anything are on board, there are 72 pods still functioning…and that about does it for their conversation.

Kirk wanders on over to Spock's console then, musing about the 72 people who are still alive and what the crap it might all mean. Spock and Kirk put their heads together _(((god I wish I meant that literally))) _and figure out that Botany Bay was the name of an old Earth penal colony and hey wouldn't that mean the survivors were inmates but Spock is all 'no wait that doesn't make sense 'cause in the 90s there were way easier ways to get rid of prisoners than shipping them out on an expensive space joy ride.'

Kirk takes a second to let the information roll around in his head.

_(((Apparently he likes being proven wrong, check his expression. Whew.)))_

Kirk: "Yes, so much for my theory…I'm still waiting to hear yours."

_(((Oh my, Kirk, you really know how to make a Vulcan blush, don't you? The line itself is 100% business as usual and hum drum whateva, but the way he says it…GUH. He's got a very subtle smile, a fond, lilting tone, but the moment isn't too over the top, it's just gentle enough._

_How Spock was able to keep his hands off him before The Motion Picture, I'll never know. But then again, I'm not half Vulcan.)))_

Spock: "Even a theory requires some facts, captain."

Kirk waits patiently.

Spock looks away.

Spock: "So far, I have none."

Kirk: "And that irritates you, Mr. Spock."

_(((Oh. Mah. Gawd. Kirk has decided to take a detour from the pesky "72 people who are 200 years old" thing to tease Spock about having emotions. Now he's grinning as he tries to suppress the joy this is giving him is increasing, and look at that so is my pulse.)))_

_(((Also, Spock doesn't do much to give away that not having a theory bugs him. All he does is turn away and flip a couple switches. But Kirk knows his Spock, why yes he does, and he's not gonna let the cute little Vulcan get away with it.)))_

Spock turns to Kirk with an innocent expression.

Spock: "Irritation?"

Kirk: "Yeah."

Spock: "I'm not capable of that emotion."

_(((Liar liar PANTS on FIRE!!!_

…_but then maybe the pants part was Kirk's fault._

……………………

………………

…_couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk: "My apologies, Mr. Spock."

_(((Kirk, you cunning little BITCH._

_That line is delivered like, "Oh of COURSE, how stupid of me, I just tumbled right on into that conclusion without thinking" when he did anything but. Kirk looooves teasing Spock, and all you have to do is look at what just happened to see that it's not just friendly ribbing.)))_

Kirk: "You suspect some danger then."

Spock: "Insufficient facts always invites danger, captain."

Kirk: "Well I better get some facts."

Kirk then says something to the current random pilot that I can't make out 'cause he decided to be a MUMBLER, then he turns back to Spock.

Kirk: "Make course for Star Base 12."

_(((Now that little bit might not scream 'ZOMG SLASH LULZ' but there is something that happens that I think is worth pointing out. Once Kirk addresses the random pilot, his tone changes into one of authority and he gives Spock an order in that same tone. What's key is the change. You can plainly hear Kirk go from his "I'm addressing Spock in a soft tone" to "I'm a captain now" voice. The change doesn't just happen because Kirk has to speak louder, no, if you just listen you can hear Kirk make the distinct change from intimacy to business in no time flat._

_Fascinating.)))_

Cut to sick bay, where McCoy is checking over the leader. Kirk enters and McCoy is all 'Dude this bitch refuses to die, his body is like amazing wrapped in WHOA' and Kirk is like, 'So he's gotta be totally superior to a regular human' and McCoy says 'Uh, DUH, the guy could lift us up with a FEATHER and some HOPE.'

Then McGyvers comes in to make googly eyes at the Tan Man and McCoy leaves. Kirk staaaaares at the leader for another few seconds before taking McGyvers into the other room to chew her the hell out for being utterly USELESS during the mission.

Kirk: "Lieutenant, at any one time the safety of this entire vessel might depend on the performance of a single crewman aboard, and the fact that you find a man strangely compelling to you personally-"

McGyvers: "Not personally, captain, professionally."

_(((Ahem, getting a little close to home are we, Captain Sexy Pants? _

_Serves her right, she shouldn't have been so busy ogling the leader that the mission became secondary. Even KIRK knows to keep the Spock-flirting to a minimum when shit is going down._

……………

………………

…_there was nothing to resist there, that's completely true.)))_

Kirk sends her away with a slap on the wrist and smirks when McCoy says he would've made a good psychologist.

_(((When he smirks though, his eye line to McCoy is allll wrong. Whoever set that up for him failed miserably, 'cause McCoy's over here and Kirk is distinctly looking over THERE._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Meanwhile, the leader has risen! He sits up, does a couple of back strokes in case he's gotta do any competitive swimming later, then hears McCoy in the other room. He snags a dangerous looking medical tool off the Random Wall O' Torturous Looking Devices and pretends to be asleep when McCoy comes in to check on him.

The leader pops up, grabs McCoy's throat, and holds the blade up to it.

_(((Hey everyone, McCoy and the leader are gonna have a BAMF Off! Let's see who wins!)))_

McCoy: "Well either choke me or cut my throat, make up your mind."

_(((McCoy – 1, Leader – 0)))_

Leader: "English…I thought I dreamed hearing it. Where am I?"

McCoy: "You're in…you're in bed holding a knife at your doctor's throat."

_(((McCoy – 2, Leader – 0)))_

Leader: "Answer my question."

McCoy: "It would be most effective if you would cut the carotic artery just under the left ear."

_(((McCoy – 3, Leader – 0)))_

Realizing that McCoy is wayyyy too much badass to take on, the leader gives up his weapon.

_(((And McCoy wins by a landslide! BAMF is a freaking understatement for the shit that just went down.)))_

McCoy gets him all caught up on his situation, and then the patient demands to see Kirk.

Next thing you know Kirk is walking into sick bay. When he sees the leader he gets a small smile and greets him.

_(((Not quite as in your face as he was with John the Pilot, but it's still enough to set off an alarm or too._

_But is the mind fully reeling yet? Hmmm, almost…)))_

Kirk wants to know the dude's name, the dude avoids the question, Kirk humors him, talking about where the ship is headed and how some of the leader's people are still alive, until Kirk is finally like, 'No really, you're hot and all but I need to call you something other than Mr. Fuckable.'

Leader: "Khan, is my name."

_(((Dun dun DUNNNNN!!!)))_

Kirk: "Khan, nothing else?"

Khan: "Khan."

_(((You know, like Madonna only with more fabulous hair.)))_

Kirk starts to ask Khan questions and Khan is suddenly all "Oh MY I am so TIRED, oh WOE is ME I just can't HANDLE all of these QUESTIONS."

McCoy agrees that Khan needs rest, and Khan asks if he can read up on technical manuals and stuff, and Kirk shows him how.

_(((So he's too tired to answer questions, but he wants to get caught up on the past two hundred years of history and the workings of the ship. Not suspicious at all. Not. at. all.)))_

Kirk gets back to the bridge and wanders over to Spock.

Kirk: "This Khan is not what I expected of a 20th century man."

_(((Don't sound TOO impressed Kirk, you wouldn't want poor ol' Spock to get jealous now.)))_

Spock agrees that Khan's kinda nifty, and then they both figure that Khan is the product of selective breeding.

Spock: "His age would be correct. In 1993 a group of these young supermen did seize power simultaneously in over 40 nations."

Kirk then mentions how they basically bred a bunch of Napoleons, so…yeah. Fun.

Spock then hands Kirk a list of 80 of these 'Napoleons' that apparently went missing. Kirk wonders why information like that was never made public and Spock is all, "Dude, would you tell people that 80 psychos went bye bye? Yeah. No."

_(((Kirk has a great dramatic look-up-and-over-at-Spock moment. Slashy? No. Good video material for the Spirky editors in the crowd? Definitely.)))_

Cut to McGyvers talking to Khan in sick bay. Khan wastes no time in getting to the "Oh baby you so fine" stuff, although he does it in kind of an odd way.

_(((That's right, people, the Dame of the Hour goes to Khan. We're nearing _ten_ episodes where Kirk hasn't gone after a single Dame. How…non-playboy.)))_

Cut to a big fancy dinner being laid out to welcome Khan (which was McGyvers' suggestion). Kirk and McCoy are dressed in their best military get up.

Kirk: "Just how strongly is she attracted to him?"

_(((And you want to know…why? We know you don't give a crap about McGyvers, so hmmm…)))_

McCoy: "Well there aren't any regulations against romance, Jim."

_(((BAM, there it is. There is nothing stopping anyone from having a fling or a romance with anyone else. Sure it's a bit different for the captain, but this is definitely worth pointing out for future reference.)))_

Kirk: "My curiosity is official not personal, Bones."

McCoy: "Well he has a magnetism, almost electric, you felt it."

_(((Um…WHOA. Not, 'you felt it too' or 'everyone's felt it,' just 'you felt it.'_

_The mind can start reeling now.)))_

McCoy: "It could over power McGyvers with her preoccupation with the past."

Cut to Khan going into McGyvers' quarters and continuing his seduction in a kind of odd way and it's not long before McGyvers is suckin' on a 200 year old tongue.

Transition to a tense dinner scene with many crewmembers, the usual suspects, and Khan. Spock and Khan get into a debate over Khan's past as Kirk keeps a very keen eye on Khan.

Khan is quick to pick up on this.

Khan: "You are an excellent tactician, captain. You let your second in command attack while you sit and watch for weakness."

_(((Well, the big ad for Spray On Tan hit the nail on the head, and it's a lovely bit of teamwork to watch, actually. They probably didn't even have to arrange a tactic like that before hand. They are just that synched up.)))_

Kirk: "You have a tendency to express ideas in military terms, Mr. Khan. This is a social occasion."

_(((Ooo, there's that Kirk grin starting to work its way into the conversation. But is it one of 'those' grins? Ehhhhhh, I don't think so. It looks like a sly grin, a 'I know what kind of tactics you use and I'm not afraid of them as I size you up right now' grin. It's quite sexy, really. Kirk is refusing to be intimidated by this jerkoff, and he's also paying very close attention so he can learn what he's dealing with.)))_

Kirk is all "You totally left everyone on Earth hangin' when they needed like encouragement and shit" and Khan is like "We gave the world order, assmonkey!" which makes Kirk go "Oooooo you said 'we,'" and Khan finally gives up and goes back to his room.

McGyvers joins him soon enough (of course) they engage in a pretty abusive scene, which she falls for…sort of. Well she does until Khan says that he's gonna hijack the ship, then she hesitates…oh no wait now she agrees to help him.

_(((You know those girls who date assholes and you have NO IDEA why? McGyvers is their poster girl.)))_

Cut to a briefing room with Scotty, Kirk, McCoy and Spock. They've figured out who Khan really is and the role he played in the events of the early 90s. Apparently he was a badass who ruled like a quarter of the world and was one of the last tyrants to be taken down.

Scotty: "I must confess, gentlemen, I've always held a sneaking admiration for this one."

Kirk: "He was the best of tyrants, and the most dangerous. They were supermen in a sense. Stronger, braver, certainly more vicious, more daring."

Spock: "This romanticism about a ruthless dictator is-"

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, we humans have a streak of barbarism in us, appalling but there nevertheless."

Scotty: "There were no massacres under his rule."

Spock: "And as little freedom."

McCoy: "No wars until he was attacked."

Spock: "Gentlemen!"

_(((Awwww, Spock doesn't understand! The innocence and darn right honest 'Gentlemen' makes me smile every time.)))_

Kirk, McCoy and Scotty all laugh.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, you misunderstand us. We can be against him and admire him all the same time."

Spock: "Illogical."

Kirk: "Totally."

Transition to Kirk having a little chat with Khan. Kirk, who's not fucking around, demands some answers. Khan gives him a few (and by 'a few' I mean basically 'one') before he starts in on the whole "My my you are SO inferior, evolution isn't what it's cracked up to be, is it?"

Khan: "How little man himself has changed."

_(((This is an unsubtle message, but still a very compelling one. The notion that humans will never inherently change (or at least take a looooooong time to do it) is brought up more than once on this show, and it's a bit frightening to think about. Nevertheless Roddenberry made you think about it. Go Roddenberry.)))_

Kirk gets up to leave.

Khan: "Do you have anymore questions?"

Kirk: "They've all been answered."

_(((Well you only literally asked like _one_, so I'm assuming you meant 'I have observed you with my gorgeous eyes and have arrived at handsome conclusions about your character using my cute intelligence and my sexy intuition.' _

'_Cause you know…you think like that.)))_

Kirk leaves, and Khan decides to pray REALLY hard before pulling open the door with his bare hands, decking a random crewman, and scampering off.

Meanwhile McGyvers has taken control of the transporter room and Khan pops in to beam over to the other ship.

Transition to the rest of the Botany Bay's crew stretching and getting warmed up for a big day of conquering.

Cut to the bridge where Kirk gets word that Khan escaped. It doesn't take long to figure out that the communication signals are jammed, the turbo lift doors won't open, and they no longer have control of their own atmosphere. Basically, they're fucked like a whore in a penal colony.

Kirk contacts engineering to find out what the hell is going but whups, Khan answers. He's all, "I could totally kill you right now but I'm a nice guy so let's compromise: Surrender or suffocate."

Kirk and Spock trade "oh shit" looks.

_(((Yet again in this show, there's no 'cake' option. How cruel.)))_

We come back from commercial, where slow suffocation is apparently violent enough to make everybody pass out in a sprawled fashion like a tornado just blew through the room. Kirk is making a record of all officers who deserve a commendation, listing of a bunch of names including, _of course_, Mr. Spock. He then passes out.

_(((So Kirk made everyone on the bridge pass out instead of just giving it up in the first place. Broham digs his ship.)))_

Transition to all of the main crew, save for Kirk, in a briefing room being asked by Khan to join his team. But Khan doesn't know shit when it comes to this crew's loyalty to their captain, and nobody makes a move. Uhura even has a lovely moment of defiance when Khan asks her to bring up the viewing screen and she just stares at him like "Uh…no?"

One of Khan's men drags her over to the controls though and has to hit her when she still won't do anything.

_(((It's a great moment because everyone has the impulse to move and do something. A well played moment, indeed.)))_

Then Khan is all, "Oh damn that's right, making you all almost die together would unite you even more, my bad, I skimmed over that part of the 'Hostile Takeover for Tan Douchebags' manual."

Uhura finally turns on the display screen to show a decompression chamber almost down to zero, and Kirk's in the chamber! Oh noes, he's about to die from being…decompressed?

Khan: "If you join me, Mr. Spock, I will save his life."

Spock just stares at him.

_(((Uh oh…I think Khan just made Spock's 'People I Need to Manually Extract Vital Organs From' list.)))_

McGyvers then asks to be excused 'cause this whole situation is just too icky for her, and she leaves. Khan asks if anyone wants to step up and save Kirk's life, but nobody moves.

_(((Yay loyalty!)))_

The viewing screen goes dark then, and Uhura refuses to fix it.

_(((Yay Uhura!)))_

Khan is all 'Eh, it doesn't matter, the captain's dead.'

_(((Yay death!_

……………

…_wait…)))_

Khan then orders that Spock is the next one to get the ol' decompression treatment.

Cut to the decompression chamber, where McGyvers decides to be USEFUL and give the guard a hypo full of naptime and let Kirk out of the chamber. They hear someone come in and Kirk hides around the corner. Why it's Spock and the guard! Spock is the first to pass by the captain, and he sees him, but he acts like everything is normal until Kirk pounces on the guard and Spock is all too ready with a Vulcan Nerve Pinch.

Spock: "Surprised to see you, captain, though pleased."

_(((Heh.)))_

Kirk sends Spock to go use the intruder defense system, and the next thing you know gas is being pumped into the meeting room where Khan and everyone else is. Khan runs out before he has a chance to collapse though, so when Kirk arrives to kick some ass he gets to find out from Scotty that the Good Conqueror Tans-A-Lot made a dash for engineering.

Kirk pops into engineering, where Khan takes away his phaser and crushes it with his bare hands, then informs Kirk that the ship is set on overload and is gonna explode in minutes.

Cue a fight where the stunt doubles get to have most of the fun.

Kirk finally takes him down with a thing that looks like an over grown lotion pump. The ship is saved. Huzzah!!

Cut to the hearing of Khan and McGyvers, where Kirk drops all charges and says that they'll drop him and his people off on a somewhat savage planet that they can have all to themselves and Kirk all but flat out dares Khan to tame it.

_(((That's pretty damn lenient of you, Kirk. The last person who tried to fuck you over and you let is slide was John the Pilot._

_Hm.)))_

Khan: "Have you ever read Milton, captain?"

Kirk: "Yes…I understand."

_(((See, Kirk reads. He haz teh book smartz.)))_

Kirk then gives McGyvers a choice between a court martial and a lifetime ruling a savage planet with the emotionally abusive Khan. She chooses Khan, and the women in the audience slam their heads onto their desks.

Kirk then explains what the hell the Milton reference was (Milton wrote that 'It is better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven)

_(((Again, Roddenberry brings up a notion that will almost definitely 'cause a discussion. What was that about Star Trek just being a silly little sci-fi show? Bullshit? Damn straight.)))_

Spock is all, "Hey wouldn't it be awesome if we could come back in a hundred years and see how shit went down?"

Kirk agrees.

_(((Well it won't exactly be a _hundred_ years…)))_

End of episode!

* * *

**Score!**

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 2

Episodes Left Before Amok Time – 9

-I didn't count this episode as one where Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine because, while there is a machine and Kirk is put into it, a decompression chamber isn't exactly "ridiculous."


	25. 1x25 This Side of Paradise

**Author's Note: **Ahhhhh, this episode. Definitely one of my personal favorites of season one. There's just so much FUN to be had with this episode. ::Sigh::

P.S. – After the last installment the word count of this project was exactly 130,000.

…I just thought that was kinda nifty.

EDIT as of 7/28 - Thanks to the wonderful reviewers that I have, I've gone into more detail about some things, changed some things, basically addressed everything that people have mentioned in their reviews on this chapter thus far. You guys really know how to keep a girl on her toes. I love you for it. ::Hugs::

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Five: This Side of Paradise**

Well we hit the ground running this episode with the "Something scary is coming" music.

Random Crewman: "Approaching Omicron Seti III, sir."

Kirk goes to Uhura, who tells him that she's been broadcasting a signal but has gotten nothing but dead air.

Kirk then goes to Spock and leans one hand on his chair and the other one a console.

_(((Fanvid editors, take note.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, there were 150 men, women and children on that colony, what are the chances of survival?"

Spock: "Absolutely none, captain. Beartoll Rays is such a recent discovery, we do not yet have full knowledge of their nature."

_(((Wait…what?)))_

Spock: "It is known, however, that living animal tissue disintegrates under exposure."

_(((Oh okay, so its bad. Got it.)))_

Spock: "Sandoval's group could not have survived after three years."

_(((Wait…what?)))_

Kirk: "Are you saying that those people built a future in a place knowing they might not survive?"

_(((Ohhhh, people tried to settle on the planet even though it had a toxic atmosphere and now the Enterprise is being sent to that planet to see how everything's going._

…

_Well why the shit didn't they just say that? _

_What? Revealing dialogue such as this enlightens the viewer without holding their hands and making the characters seem like dumbasses in their own universe?_

_Oh. Well then._

_I'll shut up.)))_

The random mumbling crewman then says that they've pinpointed a settlement, and Kirk orders for a landing party of five to be assembled to beam down. The landing party is Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu and a couple of random crewmen in case someone needs to die later.

Well they land on a nice little farm area that's completely deserted oh no wait there's people.

Sandoval himself strolls on up and welcomes them.

_(((Well. Ain't that a kick in the Sexy Pants.)))_

Back from titles, and Sandoval is excited to see them and anxious to show them around. The trio plus Sulu have a little 'What the shit is going on' conversation, where they conclude that, even though the Rays are certain to kill humans after a week or so, Sandoval and his men are, in fact, alive.

_(((SHUT UP, the walking, talking people are ALIVE?)))_

They follow Sandoval into a lovely little house and into a lovely little room and he talks about the planet being ideal for agriculture.

Then a lovely little blonde shows up.

_(((FINALLY, we get a Dame of the Hour. I've only been waiting like TEN episodes for some hot Kirk-on-female action.)))_

Romance music plays as the camera zooms in on the woman's face. Then the camera zooms in on…Spock??!?!

_(((The VULCAN gets the Dame of the Hour??? DO WHAT NOW???)))_

_(((It is here that I would like to mention the fact that the original script for this episode had Sulu getting cozy with the Dame, and only after one of the writers (a Ms. DC Fontana) _insisted_ on making it Spock and making the necessary changes for that, did it actually happen. DC wrote another episode, and Spock has a 'love interest' in that one too. This chick just had a hard on for Spock lovin' the ladies._

_Interesting, though, how both cases (this episode especially) can be rendered moot anyway.)))_

Sandoval introduces everyone to Leila, the blonde botanist.

Leila: "Mr. Spock and I have met before. It's been a long time."

Leila looks at Spock. Spock looks at Leila. Leila looks down. Kirk looks at Spock.

Kirk: "Mr. Sandoval we do have a mission here."

_(((So a woman from Spock's past shows up, the only reaction shot we get from someone other than Spock and Leila is Kirk, and Kirk is super quick to be all "::cough:: BUSINESS AND SHIT ::cough::"_

_And speaking of reaction shots, check out the way Kirk throws his look to Spock. He only moves his eyes, like he doesn't want to get caught. He doesn't find this situation amusing either, even though the situation of running into an old dame from a Vulcan's past is _hilarious_. Nope, no humor on Kirk's face._

_**I wonder why.**__)))_

Sandoval is more than happy for Kirk's crew to poke around and examine their life, and starts talking about their philosophy of leading simple, quiet existences. Kirk has to drag his eyes off Leila just to look at Sandoval as he's talking.

_(((And his stare is most certainly NOT of the 'Me nail you now' variety. No, no he's not distracted by a pretty face, that much is clear. His expression is very serious, not like he's looking at her and thinking, "Hey HEY, a chick from Spock's past! I can think of sooo many jokes to unload on my good buddy, this'll be great" and why not? If he and Spock are such good friends he should make jokes! Tease his buddy a bit about the chick with the killer blue eyes. _

_He made jokes at McCoy in _The Man Trap_ when they went to see the woman from his past, but suddenly it involves Spock and he's looking at the chick like he's sizing her up and there's not a trace of humor on his face._

_And even when he _does_ look at Sandoval, it's clear that he's not listening to what the guy is saying. He even looks down for a second before looking back up and smiling a little like "Yeah, yeah I'm _totally_ listening, sure." I mean come on, Sandoval doesn't even say anything that would _warrant_ a smile._

_Meanwhile his inner life is yelling at us that something else is on his mind._

_From what we've seen, it's clear what that 'something else' is._

_He wants to know who the HELL this 'Leila' chick is and how she figures in with Spock's past._

_**I wonder why.**__)))_

_(((I guess it's only fair that Kirk go through this. Spock went through the same thing (though it was a bit less focused on) with Ruth in _Shore Leave_. My my, what an interesting parallel…)))_

Sandoval says that they can make themselves at home and everyone starts to exit, with Spock looking at Leila in a very 'I know you from the past but nobody knows what our real back story is yet and that is mysterious' kind of way.

Transition to Sulu and a random crewman having a look-see around the grounds.

Random Crewman: "What exactly are we looking for anyway?"

Sulu leans on a railing right next to two big, exotic flowery looking things that have no business being in the surrounding they're in.

Sulu: "Whatever doesn't look right. Whatever _that_ is."

_(((Like, I dunno, these HUGE ALIEN LOOKING PLANTS…or something.)))_

Sulu: "When it comes to farms I wouldn't know what looked right or wrong if it were two feet from."

_(((Well yeah, but if you're looking around and the scenery goes barn, barn, GIGANTIC UGLY FLOWERS, you should still be tipped off.)))_

The random crewman then notices that the barns aren't filled with cows, and Sulu then realizes that they haven't seen any animal life at all.

Cut to Leila and Saldovar in a house.

Saldovar: "You know the Vulcanian?"

Leila manages to flash the creepiest smile possible.

Leila: "On Earth. Six years ago."

Saldovar: "Did you love him?"

Leila: "If I did, it was important only to myself."

Saldovar: "How did he feel?"

Spock: "Mr. Spock's feelings were never expressed to me. It is said he has none to give."

_(((Well we all know that Spock has plenty of feeling going on, so that rumor is bullshit. _

_Hm, Leila kinda sounds like a Nurse Chapel to me. A really creepy, oddly serene, Children of the Corn Nurse Chapel.)))_

Saldovar: "Would you like him to stay with us now? To be as one of us?"

Leila: "There is no choice, Elias. He will stay."

_(((_Fatal Attraction _called, they want their stalker back.)))_

Transition to McCoy finishing up an evaluation of a random farmhand. Kirk comes in and McCoy reports that everyone is in absolutely perfect condition. Then Spock calls in via communicator to say that there's no animal life. Kirk and McCoy both think it's weird that there's no animal life because…well that's weird.

Saldovar joins the fun and wants to show them the fields and crops, and Kirk goes with him. Near the garden Saldovar babbles on about the amazing soil and how they grow anything, but then a random crewman _(((hey, isn't that Mr. NotSoHandsome?))) _pops up and Saldovar ducks out so the guy can report that yeah, they can grow shit, but they don't have much stockpiled they just have enough to sustain the colony.

Kirk: "It's like a jigsaw puzzle, all one color. No key to where the pieces fit in. Why?"

_(((Not your strongest metaphor, Captain Sexy Pants.)))_

And just to make things feel like you're going in circles, McCoy calls him back into the house via communicator. Once Kirk is back, McCoy reports that Sandoval's medical file says that he'd had his appendix removed, but McCoy just checked him out and he has an appendix so that's, you know…odd.

Cut to Leila and Spock in a garden, where Spock is checking out the crops.

_(((For those of you wondering: Leila's still creepy, Spock is still adorable.)))_

Spock: "Nothing, not even insects, yet your plants grow and you've survived exposure to Beartoll Rays."

Leila: "That can be explained."

Spock: "Please do."

Leila: "Later.

Spock: "I never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question."

_(((Neither have I, Spock, I totally sympathize with you on that one.)))_

Leila: "And I never understood you…until now."

Leila puts her hand on his chest.

Leila: "There was always a place in here where no one could come."

_(((Uh, honey, his heart isn't in his chest. So unless you're talking about how no one could get into his _lungs_ you're a bit off in your attempt to be dramatic.)))_

Leila: "There was only a face you allow people to see. Only one side you'd allow them to know."

Leila seems to be onto something, because Spock merely walks away.

_(((We can see it on his face too. She's not totally crazy in her theory, Spock does spend his entire day trying to make sure he's Mr. Logical, and that keeps him closed off from everyone._

_Well except Kirk, but that's obvious.)))_

Spock: "I would like to know how your people have managed to survive here."

_(((Smooooooth.)))_

Leila: "I missed you."

Spock: "Logically you should all be dead."

_(((Translation: CHANGE the SUBJECT you stupid COW.)))_

Leila: "If I tell you how we survive, will you try to understand how we feel about our life here? About each other?"

Spock: "Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist."

_(((So, what, you're a scientist not a feeler?)))_

Leila: "Someone else might believe that, your shipmates, your captain, but not me. Come."

_(((Um, excuse me, Creepy McBadHair? Kirk is more in touch with Spock's human side than ANYONE, so hows about you not write him off as any ol' shipmate, hm? Thx.)))_

Leila then offers her hand to lead Spock off somewhere, and while he follows her he makes a point of NOT taking her hand.

_(((So up until this point we don't have any idea how Spock really feels about Leila. All we know is that a while back she loved him and he played the Mr. Logical card for whatever reason. He hasn't had any dialogue like, "Hey, I told you that I was into you but couldn't afford a relationship because of such and such" he's just stayed quiet._

_Remember, Spock can be affected by a pretty face if he wants to be, and before the Enterprise there would be no reason for him to turn down someone unless he just flat out didn't care for them.)))_

Cut to Kirk and McCoy and Sandoval. Kirk has gotten the order from Starfleet to evacuate the planet and he tells Sandoval as much. Sandoval has a teeny problem with that, what with this planet being so gosh darn wonderful and all.

Kirk asks him why all the animals died and Sandoval is all, "Psssh, every animal dying is no biggie, come on now."

Cut to Spock and Leila walking.

_(((Apparently Bob is back with a vengeance, only instead of terrifying antennae he's stuck one of the alien flowers in front of the camera. _

_Revenge might be sweet, Bob, but you're still a douche.)))_

Leila: "It's not much further."

Spock: "You've not yet explained the nature of this thing."

Leila: "It's basic properties and elements are not important. What is important is it gives life, peace, love."

_(((It melts your innards and turns your blood to urine but you're HAPPY about it!)))_

Spock: "What you are describing was once known in the vernacular as a happiness pill."

_(((BINGO, big point there, keep that in mind.)))_

Spock: "And you, as a scientist, should know that that's not possible."

Leila: "Come. I was one of the first to find them. The spores."

Leila gets Spock to walk near some of the freaky plants Sulu made a point not to notice earlier.

Spock: "The spores?"

Then the flower sneezes confetti on Spock! ACH, DU LIEBER!!

Spock slowly falls to the ground, grasping his head and groaning in pain.

Leila: "It shouldn't hurt…"

Spock: "No I can't…please don't…"

Leila: "Not like this, it didn't hurt us."

_(((He's NOT HUMAN, you WINGNUT.)))_

Spock: "I am not like you."

Then Spock looks up, he's not in pain any more.

Leila: "Now…now you belong to all of us, and we to you."

_(((Even on spores, that has GOT to still sounds creepy and cult-like.)))_

Leila: "There's no need to hide your inner face any longer. We understand."

_(((We put the lotion on the skin…)))_

Spock takes Leila's hand.

_(((Mr. Nimoy has some nice hands, fyi.)))_

Spock: "I love you. I can love you."

_(((_Makarios_ was good enough to mention the following observation that I had forgotten to mention: He says that he CAN love her, like 'zomg I can haz emoshuns!?' It's perfectly likely that he could be so overwhelmed with the ability to love that he glomps onto the first thing he sees. I mean it sure as hell LOOK like that what he does.)))_

_((('Cause you know, if you drugged me up with Happy Spores and showed me a cute blonde I'd love her too._

_Just sayin'.)))_

They kiss.

Cut to commercial.

_(((So Spock says that he loves her, he even smiles a little, and he kisses her. He's also drugged out of his skull and is completely not himself, as he will soon demonstrate. It was made very clear that if he'd never run into the spores, _nothing_ was gonna happen with him and Leila._

_And again, the original writer didn't even want Spock to be the one with Leila, he wanted it to be Sulu, but DC insisted, so this whole thing hardly seems fair.)))_

We come back from commercial to see Kirk and Sandoval arguing about the evacuation of the planet. Kirk is like, "Listen, Mr. Jump Suit, I have ORDERS, see? And them orders are gonna get obeyed even if I gotta force ya to comply, y'hear?"

But Sandoval still refuses to cooperate. Kirk starts giving Sulu orders for the evacuation when he realizes that he hasn't seen Spock or a random crewman in a while, so he gives Spock a call, because nobody gives a damn about random crewmen.

Spock and Leila are cloud gazing and ::gasp:: Spock has the green jump suit on. His communicator goes off and Leila eventually picks it up as Spock is showering her with kisses.

Kirk: "Spock."

Spock: "Yes, what did you want?"

Kirk: "Spock, is that you?"

Spock: "Yes, captain, what did you want?"

Kirk: "Where are you?"

Spock: "I don't believe I want to tell you."

Kirk: "Spock, I don't know what you think you're doing, but this is an order: Report back to me in the settlement in ten minutes. We're evacuating all colonists to Star Base 27."

Spock: "No, I don't think so."

Kirk: "You don't think so what?"

_(((Whups, now Kirk is getting pissed. He's been somewhat understanding up until now, which is a shock in and of itself because he normally doesn't take very well to insubordination, but Spock gets away with a lot of crap in general, so why not this too? _

_Except now it's gone on long enough.)))_

Spock: "I don't think so _sir_."

Kirk: "Spock, report to me immediately."

Spock doesn't reply then though, he's too busy sucking the face of Creepy McBadHair.

Kirk taps the communicator. It is cute.

Kirk: "The frequency is open but he doesn't answer."

McCoy: "That didn't sound at all like Spock, Jim."

Kirk: "No…I thought you said you might like him if he mellowed a little."

McCoy: "I didn't say that."

Kirk: "You said that, I…"

McCoy: "Not exactly. He might be in trouble."

_(((Ha, I love this whole little bit just because these guys are so adorable and play so well off each other._

_Defensive McCoy is…defensive. =P )))_

Kirk tells McCoy to get the evacuation organized while he uses Spock's open frequency to track him down.

Transition to Kirk, Sulu, and a random crewman tracking Spock. They find the communicator on the ground, but no Spock.

Then they see him off in the distance.

Spock…hanging off a tree branch like a five year old.

And holding hands with Leila every now and then.

Kirk's face looks like a combination of this: O.O and this: =O

Kirk: "Spock…"

Kirk clears his throat because that first Spock barely came out.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock!"

_(((Kirk's expression is priceless. He's simply dumbfounded and, well, aren't you? Spock is CLIMBING TREES for chrissake, there is definitely something very wrong. He's also playing around with Leila chick, which is another big surprise, but Kirk is so shocked that the first time he goes to yell Spock's name it comes out as a croak._

_Heh…cute.)))_

Cut to McCoy rounding up supplies etc for the big evacuation. A random crewman brings a couple of the weird freaky flowers to take aboard.

_(((Well this couldn't possibly end badly.)))_

Cut back to Kirk and company walking up to Spock and Leila. Spock is still hanging off a tree.

Kirk gapes at Spock, Spock _smiles_ back.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…are you out of your mind? You were told to report to me at once."

Spock: "I didn't want to, Jim."

Kirk: "You…yes I can see that."

_(((Aw, poor confuzzled Kirk.)))_

Kirk tries to continue business then, but when Spock keeps acting, well, GOOFY, Kirk has him placed under arrest until further notice. Spock drops down from the tree, takes Leila's hand, and leads them away. Kirk stays behind for a second, jaw to the floor as he watches Spock walk off.

_(((None of this is making any sense to Kirk, and then on top of that you have Spock holding hands with Leila. He even gives the tree one last 'wtf' look before following them.)))_

Kirk catches up with the rest of group just in time to get sneezed on by the flowers. Sulu and the random crewman shoot off to Happy Spore Heaven, but Kirk is completely unaffected.

_(((Two things to note here: _

_Sulu and the random crewman were standing in front of the flowers all the while Kirk was catching up. A perfectly acceptable, in fact an even MORE acceptable, way this scene could have gone is if the flowers sneezed before Kirk even got there. That would make perfect, 100% logical sense. But no, they decided to have Kirk get sneezed on too._

_Kirk, very explicitly, gets exposed to the spores and they do not affect him _at all_. Keep that in mind, I'm gonna explode about it later.)))_

Kirk walks off to try and figure out what the SHIT is going on and he finds McCoy, who tells him that they beamed up some of the plants, and seems to be acting quite Spore Happy himself.

Kirk gets up to the bridge where Uhura delightfully informs him that she's short circuited all communications except for ship-to-planet. Kirk reacts to this by throwing one of the flowers across the bridge.

_(((Yay for infantile responses to emergencies.)))_

Kirk is then heading down a hallway where he finds a line of crewmen and women waiting to beam down to the surface and they're just too happy to follow any order Kirk gives. Oh noes, mutiny!!!

_(((And really pleasant, creepy mutiny at that.)))_

Kirk's Captain's Log basically says this: "Sneezing flowers SUCK."

He also specifically states that he doesn't know why he isn't all spore happy and McCoy is all kinds of not helpful when it comes to explaining the effects of the spores, going on about some drink called Mint Julip and just being so gosh darn pleasant.

Kirk beams down to the planet and interrupts a conversation between Spock and Saldovar. Spock decides to be helpful for .7 seconds as he explains that the spores thrive on the Beartoll Rays etc etc, and Saldovar throws in that the spores make them peaceful and content.

Kirk: "That's paradise?"

Saldovar: "We have no need or want, captain."

Spock: "It's a true Eden, Jim. There is belonging…and love."

_(((There's LOVE here, Jim, if you GET what I'm SAYING.)))_

_((('Cause you _know_ Spock would drop Leila like a creepy sack of potatoes if Kirk was spore happy.)))_

Kirk: "No wants, no needs. We weren't meant for that, none of us. A man stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is."

Saldovar: "We have what we need."

Kirk: "Except a challenge."

_(((Everyone clear on what the message of this episode is? Yes? Good.)))_

Spock: "You don't understand, Jim, but you'll come around sooner or later. Join us. Please."

_(((So that little bit of dialogue is your general spore happy person talking, until the end. That 'please' really sends up a flag. If Spock wasn't trying to get Kirk on spores so they could frolic and carry on before, it's pretty darn clear that he is now. Spock's tone for that one, simple word says it all. And look at Kirk! He's staring off, but we get a sense that he's listening, considering, struggling internally…but he just can't do it. He can't be a mindless, happy idiot, even if it means finally getting his hands on Spock.)))_

Kirk: "I'm going back to the ship."

_(((He doesn't even give Spock a direct answer, and that says something. He just needs to get out of there…poor Kirk. =( ))_

Cut to Kirk entering a lonely bridge, in fact the entire ship is lonely 'cause everyone has gone down to the planet. He's completely lost, he has no crew, he is totally alone and he doesn't have any idea what to do about it.

_(((Uh oh, Kirk is confronted with one of his biggest fears: Ending up alone.)))_

_(((Again, I gotta hand it to Shatner, this entire moment is just wonderful to watch. He is completely believable, concerned, and afraid right down to the core. It's lovely, and a bit heart-wrenching, to see.)))_

_(((In Ultimately Shallow News: The moment where he's sitting and covers his mouth with his hand…he looks ridiculously handsome, especially with the way they have the light hitting him…dayum.)))_

When Kirk sits in Sulu's chair, he also sits near the flower he threw earlier. Just when he's getting good and lonely, the flower sneezes and this time the spores take effect, which apparently makes the lights on the bridge want to brighten.

_(((But why? Why now and not before? Hold your horses, it's all explained here in a second.)))_

Kirk, now spore happy, contacts Spock and says that he's just gonna throw together some things before beaming down. Spock is happy to hear that, and says that he and Leila will meet him at the beam down point.

As Kirk packs, he takes out a medal that we assume was awarded to him by Starfleet for being so damn sexy- I mean brave. He gets serious for a moment, then more or less shrugs it off.

Cut to Kirk in the transporter room, all ready to beam down and frolic with Spock. But as he gets ready to transport (and I assume those things can be set on a timer or something) he struggles against the spores' control.

Kirk: "No…I…can't…leave!"

This snaps him out of being spore happy.

Kirk: "Emotions…violent emotions, needs…anger!"

_(((AHA! So really strong emotions counteract the spores._

_So remember that one part a while back, where Kirk gets sneezed on by the flowers and the spores don't do anything to him? What had just happened that would make Kirk SO emotional as to negate the effect of the spores? Well let's see, there was Spock hanging off a tree, that was pretty weird, but enough to get him highly emotional? That might be part of it, but that couldn't be ALL of it…so…hmmm…_

_Oh._

_Wait._

_Kirk had just seen Spock and Leila holding hands and being all happy together._

_I dare say, _jealousy_ is a pretty damn strong emotion, don't you think? And if you recall, the flowers had plenty of time to go off before Kirk got there, having Kirk get sprayed was completely deliberate. The show wanted us to see Kirk _not_ getting spore happy right at that moment._

_And also, wouldn't that suggest that Kirk's jealousy for Spock outweighs his big huge fear of being alone?_

…………………………………………

………………………………………

_EXACTLY.)))_

Well now that Kirk knows what the hell to do, he asks Spock to beam up to "help him with some equipment."

_(((So…why doesn't Kirk have Scotty beam aboard? Once Scotty was sane Kirk would have his head engineer to help him out, but instead he goes with Spock, who could possibly kill him in a fit rage._

_Well I guess Spock _was_ already there and everything, which would make him the quick, convenient choice. That's the only non-slashy explanation I can come up with, anyway.)))_

Kirk beams Spock aboard, but not before he does he grabs a random metal pipe to defend himself with.

_(((Ugh, how many times has he told Gary to clean up all the metal pipes in the transporter room? They're just laying there, waiting to be made into weapons. I guess it came in handy this time, though, but still, that place is a MESS.)))_

Spock is on board a grand total of .1 seconds before Kirk throws his plan into action.

Kirk: "Alright you mutinous, disloyal, computerized half breed, we'll see about you deserting my ship."

_(((Well DAMN, Kirk isn't wasting any freaking time. He hit like 394 of Spock's soft spots in one sentence.)))_

Spock: "The term half breed is somewhat applicable, but computerized is inaccurate. A machine can be computerized, not a man."

Kirk: "What makes you think you're a man? You're an overgrown jack rabbit, an elf with a hyperactive thyroid."

Spock can't help but laugh a little.

_(((I'd laugh too if someone called me a _jack rabbit_.)))_

Spock: "Jim, I don't understand-"

Kirk: "Of course you don't understand, you don't have the brains to understand, all you have is printed circuits."

Now Spock is starting to get a little annoyed.

Spock: "Captain, if you will excuse me-"

_(((Ooooo, Spock's gone back to using 'captain,' even with happy spores. That's a key change.)))_

Kirk: "What can you expect from a simpering, devil-eared freak whose father was a computer and his mother an encyclopedia."

_(((JESUS, Kirk, you really know how to cut through the bullshit to what really pisses Spock off._

_Also, not gonna lie, I had look up 'simpering,' and it means 'to smile in a silly way.' True, but harsh.)))_

Spock: "My mother was a teacher, my father an ambassador."

Kirk: "Your father was a computer, like his son. Ambassador from a planet of traitors. A Vulcan never lived who had an ounce of integrity."

_(((Uh oh…he's going after all Vulcans now…Kirk is changing tactics on the fly, and he's doing so quite beautifully.)))_

Spock: "Captain…please don't…"

_(((Now I'm starting to feel bad for Spock, he has NO idea what's going on.)))_

Kirk: "You're a traitor from a race of traitors, disloyal to the core, rotten like the rest of your sub-human race, and you've got the _gall_ to make love to that girl."

_(((::looks around:: Wait what? When the hell did this become about Leila?! And when the hell did Spock have sex with her, and how the hell does Kirk know that?_

_The answer is that we have no idea if Spock has nailed Leila, and neither does Kirk. I guess Spock could have done it, he did have an outfit change earlier, but we didn't get any even remotely specific or direct evidence._

_Since Kirk has no idea, he could very well have thrown it out there because if Spock had slept with her it would hit home, but it would hit home just as hard if Spock hadn't but was considering it. Either way it's incredibly offensive.)))_

_(((**Special Note:** A few people asked for me to explore this moment more, and I realized that I didn't give this moment as much attention as it deserved (hey, I'm human) so here goes: _

_Kirk literally changes subjects mid-sentence, and the subject he changes to (Leila) comes out of freaking nowhere. Up until then it had been all "You suck, your family sucks, all Vulcans suck" and then at the drop of a hat it became "And how dare you frolic with that woman!" Those lines of thought are nowhere near each other. _

_On the page and in the scene, it seems to burst out of Kirk before he has a chance to think twice (which makes sense 'cause he was on a pretty darn good roll) and then he changes the subject back to Spock being 'a computer' just as quickly. It's like we get a small glimpse into what Kirk has been dying to talk about this whole episode and, as we're about to see, he stashes it away as fast as he can. _

_It's like if a guy was talking about the new stuff he added to his car and then, in the same sentence, asked you out. The bullshit about the car was just that, bullshit. The real issue is that he wanted to ask you out. He might even backpedal and try to make it seem like he was asking you out to take a drive in the new car so you could see what he was talking about. Same case here. Kirk was full steam ahead on one subject and then BAM, the real issue slipped out. Look at how he says it. 'And you've got the gall to make love to that girl' is delivered with more fervor than ANY of the other insults. _

_All signs point to "Kirk is jealous as all HELL" and it fits right in with what we've seen so far since that same emotion is exactly what kept him immune from spores the first time he was exposed. Spock being with someone else is tearing. Kirk. the fuck. apart.)))  
_

Spock: "That's enough."

Kirk: "Does she know what she's getting, Spock? A carcass full of memory banks that should be squatting on a mushroom instead of passing himself off as a man."

_(((As tempting as it is to jump on another mention of Leila from Kirk, these two lines of dialogue are a whole coherent thought. The first line (a question) sets up the forthcoming insult (the answer). Kirk used Leila to segue back into insulting Spock directly. As quickly as the subject was brought up, it was discarded, even though insulting Leila and Spock's intentions towards her would be a wonderful way to get Spock pissed and fast. Again, the evidence points towards Kirk bringing up Leila as an outburst of what he's really thinking, and then the subsequent burial of that thought.))) _

_(((About the whole 'mushroom' thing, some people says he's calling Spock an elf again, some say a frog, some say...something else that I can't remember. I'm trying to find out what it could mean, but if anyone finds out for sure please let me know.)))_

Kirk: "You belong in the circus, Spock, not a starship. Right next to the dog faced boy."

Well that tears it. Spock attacks Kirk and starts to beat the shit out of him.

_(((So it was the circus crack that finally pushed Spock over the edge, not Leila…hm…)))_

Before Spock can crush Kirk with a little stool thing, he snaps out of it.

Kirk: "Had enough? I didn't realize what it took to get under that thick hide of yours. Now, I don't know what you're so mad about, it isn't every first officer who gets to belt their captain multiple times."

Kirk watches Spock as he puts it all together.

_(((I adore the way Kirk does this. He's making jokes out loud, but he's keeping an eye on Spock to make sure that he's really alright. What's that about how we make jokes to mask our true feelings?)))_

Kirk: "Believe me Mr. Spock, it was painful…in more ways than one."

_(((There he goes, making a little joke again, and right as he was admitting to something personal, too.)))_

Spock: "Spores. They're gone. I don't belong anymore."

_(((Poor guy, he just wants to fit in. How...human.)))_

Kirk explains the whole 'extreme emotion kills the spores' thing and Spock notes that they can't really start a fight with 500 crewmembers. Kirk asks if they can put together a subsonic transmitter that will broadcast over all the communicators and he says they can so Kirk heads off to get to work.

_(((As he asks, he takes Spock by the arm and leads him a couple of steps away. While the act itself is totally pointless (I'm gonna have to call a Yay 60s on that one) I do like the fact that they touch after such an intense scene. The touch itself only lasts long for Kirk to lead Spock, but it's still nice to see.)))_

Spock: "Captain."

Kirk turns to him.

_(((And from the way he does it looks like he's preparing himself for something heavy. Not end-of-the-world heavy, but something with a bit of weight.)))_

Spock: "Striking a fellow officer is a court martial offense."

Kirk: "Well if we're both in the brig, who's gonna build the subsonic transmitter?"

Spock: "That is quite logical, captain."

_(((Aw, Spock even gives a little bit of a smile at the end of that line.)))_

Kirk smiles and they're off to save the day.

_(((Just like old times again. ::Sigh:: )))_

Cut to Leila watching the sky for when Spock returns. She's still creepy.

McCoy wanders over and Leila is all "Oh I wish Spock would return so I have someone to entertain with my freaky smile" and McCoy is like, "Psh, dahlin' I can help you with that no problem" and he calls the Enterprise.

Spock answers, and McCoy hands the communicator over to Leila.

Leila asks if he's alright etc, and Spock has a difficult time saying yes. What he doesn't know is that Kirk is walking up behind him, watching him closely.

_(((It's a fantastic moment of drama. Kirk is clearly now wondering, "Holy crap, does he really _care_ about this chick?" and that thought seems to worry him._

_**I. wonder. why.**__)))_

Leila asks if she can come aboard.

_(((Kirk has a really wonderful moment when he hears her ask this. He looks down for a second before refocusing his eyes on Spock. Again, eye movement becomes a gesture in and of itself on film. Kirk clearly has an opinion about her coming aboard, and it's a serious one._

_Guh, the love for Shatner knows no bounds.)))_

Spock agrees to beam her aboard and gives her the proper instructions. Kirk looks down again as this happens.

_(((Jesus, Shatner, could you not be brilliant for like TWO SECONDS?)))_

The second Spock closes the communication channel, Kirk speaks up and makes his presence known.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…"

Kirk sits on the railing and doesn't look at him as he speaks.

Kirk: "Ms. Kalomi is strictly your concern, but…should you talk to her while she's still under the influence of the spores…"

Kirk finally looks over at Spock.

Spock: "I'll be back shortly, captain."

Spock manages a _very_ small little smile and leaves. Kirk looks towards the camera like he has a huge weight in his stomach.

_(((GUH, WHAT, HUH?!?!_

_You just watched JAMES T. KIRK express concern over losing SPOCK to someone ELSE._

_Look at this scene! Kirk implies that, if Spock talks to Leila while she's all spore happy and alluring, then Spock will run off with her anyway, and from the look of sheer and utter WORRY on Kirk's face we can tell that he really, _really_ does not want that to happen._

_So what does Spock do? He says that he'll be back soon, gives him a brief flicker of a reassuring expression, and leaves. __**He just verbally told Kirk that he's going to come back, and non-verbally told him not to worry about a thing and tried to make him feel better.**_

_Unfortunately, from the look Kirk has after Spock leaves, it's clear that he's still very concerned. _

_How does the romantic drama of this scene NOT punch you in the face? Actually, fuck punching, this scene CHAINSAWS YOU IN HALF WITH ROMANTIC TENSION, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS SO YOU'RE NOT INSTANTLY KILLED AND THEREFORE ALIVE FOR MOST OF THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN._

_Srsly.)))_

Cut to Spock beaming Leila aboard. He's clearly not looking forward to this.

_(((It's a kick ass moment from Nimoy, actually. It's just a profile shot, but man do we get the sense that he does not want to hurt this chick. Poor Spock. =( )))_

Leila immediately runs up and hugs him, but he doesn't hug back.

Leila: "You're no longer with us, are you? I felt something was wrong."

Spock: "It was necessary."

Leila: "Come back to the planet with me. You can belong again! Come back with me, please."

Spock: "I can't."

Leila starts to get emotional.

Leila: "I love you. I said that six years ago and I can't seem to stop repeating myself. On Earth you couldn't give anything of yourself, couldn't even put your arms around me. We couldn't have anything together there, we couldn't have anything together any place else. But we're happy here! I can't lose you now, Mr. Spock, I can't!"

_(((So now we get to learn a little bit more about this whole mess. Basically, he wouldn't love her on Earth, he wouldn't love her anywhere, but hey, he'll love her when he's doped up on Happy Spores!_

_While she has made some astute observations about him, there are still things that she just doesn't get, and she's perfectly okay with being on Happy Spores if that's what it takes for him to love her in the exact way she wants it. She wants to change him in order to make him what she wants. _

_Unlike Kirk, I might add, who accepts and understands Spock for what he is._

_Of course Spock feels bad for having to dump the poor girl, he has a SOUL, but when he's in his right mind he just doesn't have any feelings for her. He didn't six years ago and he doesn't now, she just drugged him into thinking he was.)))_

Spock: "I have a responsibility…to this ship…to that man on the bridge."

_(((Geez, Spock, AMBIGUOUS MUCH???_

_He's back to his normal self now, where the term 'captain' is used to refer to Kirk more than anything else, but he very specifically does NOT say that here. If it was just a 'hey, I've got a job to do for Starfleet and the captain' then he would have said 'captain' but NO, the writers had him say this completely ambiguous, very very _telling_ line. He's saying that he has a responsibility to two separate things: the ship, and 'that man on the bridge.' One is his job and the other, apparently, is something else not related to his job. Two guesses as to what that 'something else' is.  
_

_And check out the delivery of the line too. 'That man on the bridge' is barely audible, he barely gets it out._

_UGH, the brilliance is overwhelming.)))_

_(((And hey, yeah, Spock called Kirk 'Jim' an awful lot when he was on spores, which was when he was free of his Vulcan side and embracing his human side. This is solid proof that when Spock calls Kirk by his first name, it comes from an emotional place. Now since Spock was all spore happy whenever he called Kirk 'Jim' in this episode there's no real significance, but looking at all of the other times it pops up makes things wayyyyy more clear.)))_

Spock: "I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's."

_(((__I__'m really glad people asked me to elaborate on this because I can't for the life of me figure out how I skimmed over this line._

_To go from 'that man on the bridge' straight into 'I am what I am,' is a big ol' unsubtle was of saying that it doesn't matter how much Leila gushes about adoring him, he is what he is, he loves who he loves, and that's just something he has to endure and she has to accept. _

_The 'purgatory' he refers to has two meanings: 1. He's half-Vulcan and not knowing where he belongs is torture, 2. He can't do anything about his attraction to Kirk, and that's torturous as well. _

_And yes, the 2nd one is a perfectly reasonable conclusion given everything that has happened up to this point.  
_

_But at the same time he acknowledges that his purgatory can be no worse than anyone else's. Take Leila for example. Leila's purgatory is her love for Spock, Spock's purgatory is his love for Kirk. The only difference is that Spock's love isn't unrequited._

_......._

_GodDAMN I love this project.)))  
_

Leila: "I have lost you, haven't I?"

_(((Yeah, to someone HOTTER, SMARTER, and WAY LESS CREEPY.)))_

Leila: "Not only you…I've lost all of it…the spores…I've lost them too."

Spock: "Captain discovered that strong emotions and needs destroy the spore influence."

_(((Oh so NOW he's 'the Captain,' eh?_

_So to break it down for you: Kirk was cured by jealousy, Spock by anger, Leila by sadness. That's a nice wide range of emotions, I feel.)))_

Leila is all "So I still love you and everything" and Spock is like "……"

Then:

Leila: "You never told me if you had another name, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "You couldn't pronounce it."

_(((And everybody wanting to know what Spock's last name was sighed a collective "damn.")))_

Welp, now it's back to business. Kirk and Spock rig up the ever-complex subsonic transmitter to send out a frequency that will agitate everyone within radius of a communicator on the planet. It works, and everyone starts fighting with everybody else. Why, even McCoy and Sandoval snap out of it with a good ol' fashioned brawl. Now in his right mind, Sandoval contacts Kirk and says that he's willing to cooperate with the evacuation plan. Kirk is happy to hear it and, well he's just plain _happy_, as his nice smile tells us.

_(((Heehee.)))_

Transition to later on, when everything is back to normal and the Enterprise is leaving the planet's orbit. McCoy pops in to report that everyone is in tip top condition thanks to part of the spore's affect.

_(((You can all thank _ESP_ for the following tidbit: Until McCoy speaks, Kirk is watching Spock write a report. Spock seems to be actually working, Kirk seems to just be staring, off in his own world, looking at Spock's hands until McCoy's voice snaps him out of it._

_..._

_Yeah.)))  
_

McCoy: "Well, that's the second time man's been thrown out of paradise."

Kirk: "No no, Bones, this time we walked out on our own. Maybe we weren't meant for paradise. Maybe we were meant to fight our way through, struggle, claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the way. Maybe we can't stroll to the music of the lute, we must march to the sound of drums."

Spock: "Poetry, captain, Non-regulation."

_(((And Kirk quoting it seems to please the Vulcan.)))_

Kirk: "We haven't heard much from you about Omicron Seti III, Mr. Spock."

_(((Kirk's tone changes with this line. He's no longer extolling philosophies, he's talking to Spock, which means a gentler, fonder tone._

_No really, you can hear the change. Kirk even has a twitch of a grin. He's not full out amused by what happened, he knows how heavy it's weighing on Spock, but he does know that Spock did stay, and who can't be just a little happy about that?)))_

Spock: "I have little to say about it, captain, except that…for the first time in my life…I was happy."

_(((Well of course he was happy, he was doped up on Happy Spores. Nevertheless we get the sense that Spock misses the feeling, what with ignorance being bliss and all._

_Oh I WISH they had shown a reaction shot from Kirk, but sadly, it cuts to credits.)))_

Thus endeth This Side of Paradise!

* * *

**Spore- I mean, score!**

Episodes Left Before Amok Time – 8

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 2

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 3

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine - 3

Kirk and/or company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 1

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 2

Random Crewman Body Count – 10

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 9 (Kirk hasn't bumped up this stat in six episodes…I'm starting to worry about him.)

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 4

Times Spock is Injured – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 3

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 2

Pointless Rolls - 2

Times a disease threatens the crew – 2

Times god-like being is featured – 2

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times immortality is found – 1

Times the Ship is taken Hostage - 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 1


	26. 1x26 The Devil in the Dark

**Author's Note: **Everyone's comments = WIN. You guys have GALL (hehe) to speak up and say 'Hey, this needs more attention' or 'Hey, you totally missed this' and I fucking love you all for it because this project is pretty darn intensive and I'm gonna miss things occasionally, but with lovely reviewers like you they won't stay missed for long.

So yeah, you guys kick booty.

Oh, and my apologies for any typos/errors, I don't have a beta and I can only re-read these things so many times before everything starts blurring together, you know? So if you see something's wrong please don't hesitate to let me know, typos annoy me as much as they do you. =D

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Six: Devil in the Dark**

The first two and a half minutes can be described by the following sequence of words: Planet, backdrop, cave, jumpsuit, dude, alone, noise, death.

That is all you need to know.

Titles!

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3196.1: A distress call from the Per Giem production station on Janas VI has brought the Enterprise to that long established colony. Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and I beam down to meet with chief engineer Vanderberg, administrative head of Janas VI."

So the BAMF Trio is on the planet, and lead to Vanderberg's office to talk about a mysterious monster killing a shit ton of the workers.

Psssssh, okay Cliffs Notes…attacks started when they opened up a new level in the cave…the planet is like drowning in mad crazy bling…metal began dissolving for no reason…hilariously simple map of the tunnels yay 60s…people were found burned down to nothing oh noes…well it could be volcanic activity but wait there is none on this planet…the last dude that got melted was only three levels below the one their on now…McCoy goes off to look at basically ashes so I don't know wtf he's gonna learn from that…they posted guards but it turns out the guards weren't melt-proof…some guy pops up to say he's seen the monster and can only describe it as big and shaggy so it's either an alien or Clifford the Big Red Dog…the random guy is awfully judgmental of Starfleet officers for a guy wearing a _purple jumpsuit_…Spock picks up a big smooth round thing and it's a silicon nodule…Vanderberg gets snippy too…Spock throws Kirk a fantastic 'well isn't he just a ball of awesome' look…McCoy comes back and is all 'whoaaa, that bitch got fried by some wicked acid'…Spock figures that there's more than one creature because he wasn't born yesterday…Kirk wonders how the hell to find the thing when there's no reading of life…Spock suggests forcing it to appear…Vanderberg states that when the creature appears men die and we wonder who the hell put him in charge of an entire facility…cut to a scene of a random dude getting killed by the monster…the alarm sounds that someone's dead…Vanderberg, Spock, and Kirk investigate…whups the monster stole the main circulating pump for the entire reactor and there's no replacement…the audience wonders why the facility didn't carry a spare oh-shit-this-thing-runs-the-whole-facility…apparently without the pump everything will go to shit in a few hours…oh yeah then this happens:

Kirk: "It seems we've been given a choice: Death by asphyxiation, or death by radiation poisoning."

_(((STILL no cake option. ::Shakes head:: )))_

Well they don't have a spare pump on the ship but Kirk orders Scotty to throw something together to hold the place together in the mean time.

_(((You know, a knob here, a dial there, that's physically possible, right?)))_

Vanderberg then gets all touchy about his people being in danger, and Kirk promises that they'll find the freaky monster thing before evacuating the planet becomes the only choice left.

Vanderberg: "I'm concerned with my people right here, Kirk, they're being murdered. You find that monster and kill it!"

Cut to Spock, Kirk and McCoy having some coffee.

_(((So I guess that's a 'no' to the 'kill the monster' thing then, eh?)))_

Spock thinks the monster is uber smart and deliberately took the pump. Why now and not earlier? Who knows. Spock then wanders over to the silicon nodule and suggests that the lifeform might be pureply based on silicon. This warrants a lovely strike of dramatic music. Kirk runs with the theory, but McCoy insists that it's impossible, that a life form like that wouldn't survive in this atmosphere, but aha! Spock suggests that it might be able to survive for a little while before returning to its own environment somewhere. McCoy still thinks it's insane but Kirk is all, "Hey, it's a theory, it's the only one we've got, it works for me and I'm the cap'n so it works for everybody."

_(((It's an insane theory…but Spock said it so it's gotta be worth _something_._

…_that's what Kirk seems to be thinking anyway.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, have Lt. Commander Giotto assemble the security troops and arm them with phaser number 2, you make the proper adjustments."

Spock doesn't seem to be listening though. Instead his eyes are focused on the silicon nodule resting on Vanderberg's desk. Kirk notices this, slowly walks around the desk, leans his hands on the table, and leans forward.

Kirk: "You seem…fascinated by this rock."

_(((If you don't notice the distinct change in Kirk's tone from business to something a bit more intimate, then you need to see a doctor. Because you have gone deaf, and that is bad.)))_

Spock muses that there could be a connection between the workers finding thousands of these nodules on the lowest level and the appearance of the monster, but he wants to think about it some more because he doesn't want to give McCoy another reason to be a bastard.

_(((Aw, Spock doesn't want to be ridiculed. How cuuuute. =D )))_

Cut to the room where the pump was stolen. Scotty has rigged up some kind of miracle to keep it going for about forty eight hours but that's all he can do. Kirk tells him to do whatever he can to keep it running, "kiss it, baby it, flatter it if you have to."

_(((That line always reminds me of Spock's line in _Taste of Armageddon_, "Sit on her if you have to." There's no theory or anything behind this…I just like it.)))_

Cut to Kirk in full on Captain Mode as he gives orders to a handful of guys…all in red shirts.

_(((Poor saps.)))_

Kirk's orders are as such: "Find it, kill it, don't die while doing it."

_(((Well if you didn't want them to _die_ you shouldn't have had them wear _red_. Honestly, Kirk, it's like you don't even watch your own show.)))_

Cut to the tunnels, where everyone is searching the caves.

_(((The set itself is one giant, amazing Yay 60s moment in and of itself. Holy. Shit.)))_

Kirk and Spock are searching together, alllll alooooooone. Spock starts picking up a life form on his tricorder.

_(((In Closeness-Is-Cute News: Kirk edges just a liiiittle closer to Spock to get a look at the tricorder while Spock is reporting on the life sign.)))_

They both duck into a tunnel to investigate the reading.

Meanwhile, the first random crewman gets melted by the monster. Spock and Kirk run over immediately, they weren't far off to begin with. Spock walks forward to take further readings, Kirk kneels next to the puddle of ash that used to be one of his crewmembers and takes a moment to let the loss properly punch him in the face.

_(((I hate seeing Kirk in pain over losing a crewman almost as much as Kirk seems to hate losing crewman…but that's just the inner fangirl talking. I'll tell her to fuck off now.)))_

Spock calls Kirk over to a freshly made tunnel. They both wonder aloud how something could have made such an endless tunnel in such a short- OMGWTFBBQ!!!

The infamous monster lurches into view, and it looks like some sort of plastic…lava…rug…a _Plavarug_, if you will, complete with some poor producer's nephew underneath it trying to give the damn thing some life.

_(((Yay 60s really, _really_ seems like an understatement here.)))_

All Kirk and Spock can really do is fire at the thing, and it soon scurries back where it came from.

A couple of random crewmen run over so they can be annoying while Kirk and Spock try to figure out exactly what the hell the thing is. They pick up the piece of it they shot off and study it.

_(((As hilariously ridiculous as the thing is, kudos to the prop guy for getting it to move and fluctuate a little as they hold it.)))_

Spock deduces that the Plavarug is what's responsible for all the trouble around here because that's incredibly obvious. Kirk orders the random crewmen to tell the other random crewmen that now the thing is wounded and probably pissed so, you know…watch out for that and stuff.

Spock then tells Kirk that there's only one creature detected, but there's thousands of tunnels. He then figures that it could be the last of a dying species.

Spock: "If so, if it is the only survivor of a dead race, to kill it would be a crime against science."

_(((Uh oh, Spock's never-wavering respect for life and science has kicked in.)))_

Kirk finds this so dramatic that he has to walk away a few steps and look off into the distance.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, our mission is to protect this colony, to get the Per Giem moving again, this is not a zoological expedition."

_(((Shatner, I love you to death, but you need to slowly kill whoever told you that the way you pronounce 'zoological' is anything but hilarious.)))_

Kirk: "Maintain a constant reading on the creature. If we have to we'll use our phasers to cut our own tunnels, we'll try to surround it."

Spock steps closer to him, silently asking about the Plavarug's life.

Kirk: "I'm sorry, Mr. Spock, but I'm afraid the creature must die."

Spock: "I see no alternative myself, captain. Merely seems a pity."

_(((Oh, okay then, so Spock's not happy about it but he knows that it's one life vs. many. Got it.)))_

Cut to Kirk going all captain on a bunch of random crewmen's asses again, instructing them to be even MORE careful this time, and aim for whatever the hell looks like it's head. He then hands it over to Spock, who tells the crewmen the creature's last known whereabouts, and oh yeah this:

Spock: "This particular group will move out beyond that are in all directions in an effort to surround it, possibly capture it."

Kirk's head snaps up at that last part.

_(((Uh oh, Spock tried to slip in some of his own orders there. That's pretty damn huge, we've never seen him do that before.)))_

Kirk: "Your orders are shoot to kill. Protect yourself at all times."

Kirk dismisses the men, and they are now alone.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…"

_(((Oooooo, you're in troublllleeee.)))_

Kirk: "Capture it? I don't recall giving any such order."

Spock: "You did not, sir, I merely thought that if the opportunity arose-"

Kirk: "I will lose no more men. The creature will be killed on sight and that's the end of it."

Spock looks at Kirk for a moment.

Spock: "Very well, sir."

_(((Thus endeth Kirk's obligatory captainly chiding and thus begins...well…hehehe…)))_

He moves to leave.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…"

Kirk: "I want you to assist Scotty in maintaining that makeshift circulating pump."

Spock is taken back by this order.

Spock: "I…I beg your pardon, sir?"

_(((When was the last time you heard Spock stutter? What was that, NEVER? Right.)))_

Kirk: "You heard me. It's vital that we keep the reactor in operation."

_(((The 'You heard me' was soft, somewhat low. For the rest of the line Kirk snaps up the captain tone for a moment, but that first line was, well, fascinating…)))_

Kirk: "Your scientific knowledge-"

Spock: "Is not needed there, sir. Mr. Scott has far more knowledge of nuclear reactors than I do. You're aware of that."

_(((Why, Spock, you make a brilliant point. Three brilliant, points actually. You are tremendously NOT needed to help Scotty, and Kirk even KNOWS this, so then why would Kirk offer up that exceedingly _lame_ excuse?)))_

Kirk's eyes flicker downward for a moment.

_(((We literally see Kirk change tactics right here. Stupid Excuse A didn't work, so now he's gonna try for Stupid Excuse B.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, you are second in command. This will be a dangerous hunt. Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not."

Spock: "Captain, there are approximately one hundred of us engaged in this search, against one creature. The odds against you and I both being killed are two thousand two hundred twenty eight point seven…to one."

Kirk: "Two thousand…two hundred twenty eight point seven…to one? Those are pretty good odds, Mr. Spock."

_(((The SMILE Kirk gives SPOCK during that very last LINE is made of ADORABLE and SEX. Kirk can't hold it back anymore, Spock is just too adorable with his numbers and his logic, he just HAS to start flirting._

_SERIOUSLY…UNF.)))_

_(((Well, Stupid Excuse B failed miserably too. So let's see here, Kirk wants to keep Spock out of danger and there's no official, Starfleet reason as to why. Then why doesn't he just say it? Maybe because the reason is far too personal, too revealing to let slip. Really, that's the only reason he wouldn't just freaking tell his first officer the reason behind an order._

_And let's not forget Spock in all of this. Kirk orders him out of danger, away from his side, and Spock is so floored by this that he STUTTERS and then even _interrupts_ his commanding officer to logically shoot down whatever reason (albeit stupid ones) that Kirk throws at him. Spock does __**not**__ want to leave Kirk alone in such a dangerous situation._

_Fact: Kirk is trying to keep Spock out of danger because he cares about him too much and doesn't want to admit it._

_Fact: Spock wants to stay by Kirk's side to make sure that he doesn't get hurt because he cares too much about and doesn't want to admit it. _

_Fact: That is so fucking __**cute **__I can hardly see straight.)))_

Spock: "They are, of course, accurate."

Kirk: "Of course. Well I hate to use the word, but…logically, with those kinds of odds, you might as well stay."

_(((Oh god, Kirk is smiling again, could this whole thing possibly be ANY more adorable? And he smiles on the line "you might as well stay." And Spock's _reaction _to hearing that he'd won this little battle? It's the brightest damn inner victory I've ever seen and yet he doesn't even begin to smile. Nimoy, you talented little bastard.)))_

Kirk: "Please stay out of trouble, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "That is always my intention, captain."

Kirk fights back a little grin as he looks around.

Kirk's communicator goes off then and brings the conversation to an end for them.

_(((What do you need, a painting? A mime? You want sock puppets, I can get you sock puppets- IT'S CRYSTAL FREAKING CLEAR, PEOPLE. I'm not looking at a black cat and telling you it's a purple giraffe!!! I'm not looking at Miley Cyrus and saying she's talented!!! I'm looking at two men with more romantic chemistry than they know what do with and I'm telling you that these are TWO MEN WITH MORE ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY THAN THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. _

_This is not. rocket. science._

_Now if you will pardon me, I have to go look for my mind again. I haven't let it reel for a while so it has a lot of pent up energy…brb.)))_

Well it's Scotty on the other end of the line with the lovely news that his Makeshift Miracle Pump Thing that was supposed to last forty eight hours kind of _didn't_ last forty eight hours. In fact, it died. Kirk orders for the evacuation of all the workers, but Vanderberg hears this and insists that he and a few men stay to get themselves killed- I mean help kill the Plavarug. Scotty says there's about ten hours before shit really goes south so Kirk orders a rendezvous with Vanderberg's men so he can get another shot at being all captain-y.

Cut to Kirk doing just that, and ordering everyone to go look in all sorts of places, while he and Spock plan to search a specific area together.

_(((Heehee.)))_

When everyone disperses, Spock says that they're being watched.

_(((And you didn't mention this before the crewman ran off becauuussseeee?)))_

They walk around, phasers ready, and happen upon a fork in the tunnel.

Kirk: "Chart says both these tunnels converge a few thousand yards further. You take the left, I'll take the right."

Spock: "Should we separate?"

_(((Damn, Spock, you just do NOT want to leave Kirk alone.)))_

Kirk: "Two tunnels, two of us…we separate."

_(((Why, Kirk, that is just such an obviously logical thing to say. If only Spock were a being based in logic, maybe he would've been able to see that.)))_

_(((Now, it's hard to see with the shadow on Kirk's face, but as he's saying the last bit of the line he has this little reassuring smile on his face. Once again, one of them has to put the other at ease. ::Sigh:: )))_

Kirk starts making his way down his half of the tunnel then, and Spock staaaaaaares at his captain, only looking around a couple of times to check for any danger, and doesn't start down his half of the tunnel until Kirk is out of sight.

_(((Fucking. Romantic.)))_

Well, the famous Hey Let's Split Up Plan of 1966 is all well and good until Kirk comes to a widened area of the tunnel with a whole bunch of silicone nodules laying around. Kirk calls up Spock on the communicator and tells him as much.

Spock: "Indeed, I find that most illuminating, captain. Be absolutely certain you do not damage any of them."

Kirk: "Explain."

::Gasp:: The Plavarug is watching Kirk from around a corner!

Spock: "Only a theory I have-"

The Plavarug causes part of the cave to collapse, falling on Kirk.

Spock: "Captain…are you alright?"

He starts walking forward quickly.

Spock: "Jim? JIM?!"

_((( NOOO, NOT MY KOCK!!! I MEAN SPIRK!! I MEAN KIRK, DAMNIT, __**KIRK**__!!!!!!)))_

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock, alright."

Spock stops dead in his tracks at the sound of Kirk's voice.

_(((I wish they had shown us more of Spock's reaction, 'cause it's clear he was just about to heave a big sigh of relief.)))_

Kirk: "It seems we had a cave in."

Spock: "I could phaser you out."

_(((Whoa, Spock, DRASTIC much? Kirk sounds perfectly calm and you're all "ZOMG HELP, LET ME GIVE YOU IT."_

_Calm down, dude, it's not like you're in love with him or anything._

……………………

_XD )))_

Kirk: "No, you better not, any disturbance might bring down the rest of the wall. Besides it isn't necessary, the chart said the tunnels meet further on."

_(((Oh Kirk, there you go with that logic again. If only Spock prided himself on that kind of sense. I guess that's why he has you around.)))_

Spock: "Very well. I find it extremely disquieting that your roof chose that particular moment to collapse. Please proceed with extreme caution. I shall quicken my pace."

Kirk: "Very well, Mr. Spock, I'll meet you-"

Then part of the wall melts away, and by "melts" I mean "glows red and fades."

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

It's the Plavarug! Ach, du lieber!!!

Back from commercial and Kirk's got his phaser trained on the Plavarug. He notices that whenever he puts his phaser down, it advances, and when he puts it up, it stops…so the thing isn't REALLY stupid, at least not Rand-stupid.

Spock speaks up on the communicator then.

Spock: "Captain, I just read some fresh signs. The creature is in this area."

_(((Ye Olde Duh, Spock.)))_

Spock: "I'll take a life form reading."

Kirk: "It's not necessary, Mr. Spock, I know exactly where the creature is."

Spock: "Where, captain?"

Kirk: "Ten feet away from me."

_(((Shatner's delivery of that line? Priceless.)))_

_(((Hang onto your minds, shits about to start reeling.)))_

Spock: "Kill it, captain, quickly."

Kirk: "It's not making any threatening moves, Spock."

Spock: "You don't dare take the chance, captain. Kill it."

Kirk: "I thought you were the one that wanted it kept alive, captured if possible."

Spock: "Jim, your life is in danger, you can't take the risk."

Kirk: "It seems to be waiting."

Spock: "I remind you, it is a proven killer. I'm on my way. Spock out."

_(((Okay, so let me get this gay: Spock states twice in this episode that he is strongly against killing the Plavarug, he even tries to sneak in his own order to the troops, but literally the SECOND he thinks that Kirk's life is even REMOTELY threatened he starts screaming for blood? _

_Kirk is even like, "Uh…it's not really threatening me" but Spock couldn't give a freaking damn. Kirk even _brings up how Spock was the one who wanted it alive_, but Spock is all "Even though you sound perfectly calm your life could be in danger sort of so LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN!!!!"_

_The writers very, very, VERY clearly wanted us to get the unsubtle picture of Spock being completely against killing it, then suddenly being for killing it. Like I said, they even have Kirk bring it up on the spot!_

_Oh, and let's not forget the 'Jim' bit, further proof that is all an EMOTIONAL reaction (as if we couldn't figure that out already, the poor Vulcan looks sick with worry.)_

_It doesn't get much more romantic than this, people._

_Well, for Kirk and Spock it gets wayyy more romantic, but you know…the saying…and stuff…)))_

Kirk hunches down and waits for Spock. The Plavarug turns around and reveals a missing chunk of it's costume oh no wait that's supposed to be a wound.

Spock arrives and instantly raises his phaser to fire at the thing.

_(((Spock has made the quickest transition from logical pacifist to "DEATH IS AWESOME" I have _ever_ seen._

_And all for Kirk.)))_

Kirk tells Spock not to shoot, and he eventually lowers his weapon. Kirk waves him on over and Spock obliges, though he's a bit wary. He hunches down next to the captain and comments on how the Plavarug hasn't made a move and points out the thousands of silicon nodules laying around. Spock hints at the theory he's been brewing again but says, _again_, that he's not certain and needs to wait before actually SAYING anything.

Spock: "Captain, you're aware of the Vulcan technique of the joining of two minds."

Kirk leans forward and they both stand up.

_(((In Innocent-But-Hawt-Dayum News: When Kirk leans forward to stand I _swear_ he looks like he means to lay one on Spock right then and there. Their faces gets reeeeally close for a split second as they both stand. A screencap of that would look really nice. Just sayin'.)))_

Kirk: "You think you can get through to that thing?"

Spock: "Possible."

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, I know it's a terrible, personal lowering of mental barriers, but if there's a chance…"

_(((You heard it here first, people. Stow that little mindmeld tidbit in the Future Reference corner of your mind. You know, safe keeping and such.)))_

Spock then attempts a mindmeld with the Plavarug from a distance, but all he gets are waves and waves of extreme pain coming from the thing and he falls backward…and right into Kirk's arms.

_(((O.O)))_

The Plavarug starts to move around then, and they watch it. Spock is still holding on to Kirk. They _eventually_ let go as Kirk steps towards the alien thing. The Plavarug moves again and reveals that it's melted words into a part of the cave that reads, "NO KILL I."

_(((Guess they don't have a Plavarug edition of Hooked on Phonics.)))_

Kirk wonders which meaning the creature meant ( either 'I won't kill you' or 'don't kill me') and Spock dishes about what he learned from the thing during the mindmeld: It's intelligent, it learned some basic stuff from Spock which would explain the Jessica Alba brand of English, it's in a bunch of pain, it calls itself a Horta.

_(((Horta? Nah, I'll stick with Plavarug, thank you.)))_

Kirk is all 'damn we need to find that device' and Spock is like 'Cap'n, we shot off a a part of whatever the fuck makes up it's skin, it is soooo not gonna help' but Kirk comes back with 'Hey, what if we like did something nice for it or something? Take it out to dinner, have a few laughs, it'll be fun.'

Kirk then calls McCoy and orders him to come on down. Then he orders Spock to communicate with the Plavarug again to find out some more details. Spock does so, only this time he has to ::gulp:: touch it.

As Spock mindmelds, Kirk checks in with random crewman Giotto who says they're all at the end of the tunnel keeping Vanderberg's men from charging ahead and doing something stupid. Spock starts saying random things during the mindmeld about murdering and monsters and stuff. McCoy shows up, is understandably surprised, but takes a look at the Plavarug anyway. McCoy scans the poor thing, then comes back to Kirk with:

McCoy: "You can't be serious. That thing is virtually made out of stone."

Kirk: "Help it, treat it."

McCoy: "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer!"

_(((I. Love. You. McCoy.)))_

Kirk orders McCoy to get his sassy ass over there and heal the thing. Kirk then gently tells Spock to tell the Plavarug that they're trying to help and oh yeah where the hell is that pump mechanism thingy?

Spock: "Understood…it is the end of life…eternity stops…go out…into the tunnel…to the chamber…of the ages…cry…for the children…walk carefully…in the vault of tomorrow…sorrow…"

_(((Jesus, it's like listening to your 90 year old grandmother try to talk to keep herself from falling asleep in her rice pudding.)))_

And then it kinda starts repeating itself. Kirk runs off down the tunnel the Plavarug/Spock told it to.

Cut to Vanderberg and his men wanting some hot phaser-on-Plavarug action.

Cut to Kirk getting to the end of the tunnel and finding even more silicon nodules, but some of them are broken.

Cut to McCoy ordering for something to be beamed down to him.

Cut to Spock, still connected to the Plavarug, talking about sleep and failure and murderers, you know, like any good Emo alien.

Kirk gets back from the tunnel with the pump and a broken silicon nodule and tells Spock to come on out of the mind meld. The pump is undamaged _(((yay for inexplicably deft Plavarugs!)))_ and Kirk and Spock FINALLY tell the audience that the nodules are eggs, the Plavarug is a chick, and the workers have been destroying her babies which is why she went all psycho on their asses.

Cut to Vanderberg's men overpowering the random crewmen and running to the monster. Kirk stops them and has Spock tell the whole Plavarug = Mommy story.

Kirk is all, 'Hey you and the Plavarugs could totally make a killer team if you let the eggs actually HATCH' and they all seem to kind of agree with that idea.

Spock mentions that the Plavarug is just a touch near death, though, so things might not work out. =(

Cut to McCoy looking like he's just delivered the baby Rock Biter from The Neverending Story 2. He says he had the ship beam down some of the concrete they have for building shelters with and since it's made of mostly silicon it'll act like a bandage! Huzzah!!!

Kirk turns to Spock.

Kirk: "Well, Mr. Spock, I'm gonna have to ask you to get in touch with the Horta again. Tell her our proposition: She and her children can do all the tunneling they want, our people will remove the minerals and each side will leave the other alone. Think she'll go for it?"

_(((Now that's all very hum drum and run-of-the-mill…until the very last line. Kirk just can't seem to keep his soft, lilting tone in control for very long when he's talking to Spock. So. damn. cute.)))_

Spock: "It seems logical, captain. The Horta has a very logical mind, and after close association with humans I find that curiously refreshing."

_(((ba-ZING, Mr. Spock.)))_

Kirk looks back at McCoy, who just kind of shrugs it off.

Transition to the final scene. Kirk and McCoy arrive on the bridge and talks to Vanderberg on the planet one last time to find that things are going incredibly well and says goodbye.

_(((**Edit** as of 7/30: WAIT WHOA HOLD IT SLOW DOWN TWO SECONDS GODDAMN, something **Andrina** said made me take another look at this next bit and WHOA. Just...WHOA.)))_

Spock: "Curious. What chief Vanderberg said about the Horta is exactly what the mother Horta said to me. She found humanoid appearance revolting, but she thought she could get used to it."

_(((Why Spock, you snarky bastard. XD )))_

McCoy: "Oh she did, did she? Now tell me, did she happen to make comment about those ears?"

_(((Why McCoy, you snarky bastard. XD )))_

Spock: "Not specifically, but I did get the distinct impression she found them the most attractive human characteristic of all. I didn't have the heart to tell her that only I have-"

Kirk: "She really liked those ears?"

_(((Kirk seems to ask this honestly, not with any kind of little 'well of COURSE she likes them' subtext going on. Hm, the ears must not be Spock's most attractive feature to Kirk…I wonder what is…)))_

Spock: "Captain, the Horta is a remarkably intelligent and sensitive creature, with impeccable taste."

_(((Don't look now, Spock, but I think you have an ego.)))_

Kirk: "Because she approved of you."

Spock: "Really, captain, my modesty."

_(((Does he...does Spock think thathe was just flattered by Kirk?__ Look at how he says the line, the delivery is very "Oh STOP, you'll EMBARRASS ME, and in front of all these people? I do DECLARE.")))_

Kirk: "Does not bear close examination, Mr. Spock. I suspect you're becoming more and more human all the time."

Spock: "You…Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted."

_(((Holy. Fucking. Slash. _

_Spock was obviously a touch confused at the beginning of this line, but why? I'll tell you why: Up until this moment he was SURE that Kirk was complimenting his PHYSICAL APPEARANCE, in fact this whole bit has more unsubtle compliment fishing than anybody knows what to do with. And when Kirk pulls the rug out from under him? Spock's initial reaction is __"Wait, but I...you just said...." then he realizes that Kirk has actually WON one of these battles for a change and gets all huffy before walking off._

_Here's what I'm saying: This is like Spock's version of The Back Rub scene. Kirk tried get Spock to touch him and failed, Spock tried to get Kirk to compliment his physical appearance (particularly his ears) and failed. The scenarios fit each character perfectly. Kirk would try something so bold, and Spock would try something so coy. It's perfect. It's so. fucking. perfect._

_If I seem calm right now, it's because I'm stunned. Seriously. O.O_

_Okay, enough calm._

_ASHSJFHDJGNRFL; OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?!?! HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT??!!? HOW DID **ANYONE** NOT SEE THAT?!?!?! WHY THE FUCK IS K/S NOT A FREAKING KNOWN **FACT**?!!!? THIS SHIT IS BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS!!! IT'S THE BEST GODDAMN LOVE STORY EVER TOLD AND IT'S NOT EVEN **ACKNOWLEDGED **FOR CHRIST FUCKING SAKE!!!!! WHO **DOES** THIS?!?!!  
_

_Ahem._

_I'm done.)))_

Spock promptly walks off as Kirk smiles, then glances at McCoy before giving the final order for warp 2.

_(((Oh. Mah. Gawd. Would you look at that grin from Kirk. He knows what just happened__, he's celebrating his victory like the sly little bastard he is,__ and why shouldn't he? After all, he's finally gotten Spock back for the Back Rub Incident. XD )))  
_

_(((Son of a BITCH, how did I miss this? Well I did finish this thing at three in the morning...hm...maybe I shouldn't do that anymore...apparently I miss **huge, obvious, and fucking adorable** things when I do.)))_

_(((_Hollow Stares _made an interesting point in a review. The Plavarug is basically you're benevolent, logical, peaceful etc race that was pushed to act irrationally to protect the ones she loved, which is in no way like the cool, logical Spock flips his shit when Kirk is in trouble and is pushed to act irrationally for the one he loves._

_And by 'no way like' I mean 'EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME AS.'_

_Fascinating.)))  
_

End of Episode!

* * *

**ScOrE!!**

Random Crewman Body Count – 11

Episodes Left Until Amok Time – 7


	27. 1x27 Errand of Mercy

**Author's Note: **::Cough:: So…you want to check the end of the Devil in the Dark installment if you read it before July 27th.

Yes, yes you do.

One of my K/S vids placed 3rd in ImaginarySanity's Star Trek contest! ::dances:: It was the My Immortal one, and I dare say I'm quite proud. =D

P.S. – To abstractelysium: Feel more than free to comment as much as you like. Oh, and get an account so I can actually reply to you, eh? That's half the fun. =P

P.P.S. – This project now has over 400 reviews, and it has also become my most popular project hit-wise. I barely even know what to say to that. I love you guys so. friggin'. much.

You complete me.

P.P.P.S. – So I fucked up again. I've been putting an 'R' at the end of 'Ach, du liebe.' So you know what? I'm going back to my original bastardization: Octoliebe. 'Cause if I'm gonna murder another language, I might as well make it sound like a German had sex with an octopus.

Deal with it.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Seven: Errand of Mercy**

Kirk arrives on the bridge to get a report from Spock and puts it into a glorified tape recorder- I mean super futuristic report reading thing.

Kirk: "We've both guessed right. Negotiations with the Klingon empire are on the verge of breaking down. Starfleet command anticipates a surprise attack. We are to proceed to Organia and take whatever steps are necessary to prevent the Klingons from using it as a base."

_(((Sorry show, you lost me after "We've both guessed right." I was too busy giggling.)))_

_(((Oh, and I can only assume that the planet is named 'Organia' because they eat organs.)))_

Spock thinks the orders are a pretty good idea, then describes Organia's people as "peaceful, friendly people living on a primitive level."

_(((…my idea was cooler.)))_

They go on discussing things until WABAM, they're attacked! Kirk and Spock fall to the railing while the camera- I mean the _ship_ shakes. Kirk orders for them to fire back (duh) and they destroy whatever the hell attacked them.

Kirk: "Well, we've been anticipating an attack. I'd say what we've just experienced very nearly qualifies."

Spock: "Yes, it would seem to be an unfriendly act."

_(((Oh you boys and your sarcastic banter. XD_

_And was that a slight tug of a grin I saw, Kirk?)))_

Uhura chimes in and is all, "So we've got a message from Starfleet saying Code One." and Kirk is like "ZOMG WAR!!" And Spock makes a snarky comment about humans always getting what they don't want and they speed off for Organia.

Back from titles and the Enterprise is in orbit around Organia. Kirk gets word that thar be some Klingons afoot and tells Sulu that he's in charge, and to get the hell away from the planet if things get too crazy.

Kirk: "No 'buts.' You'll get to safety and alert the fleet. _You will not attack alone._ Mr. Spock and I will be all right."

_(((Liek fur realz, da cap'n iz serius 'bout dis shiznit.)))_

_(((Okay, so in the last episode Kirk mentions how either he or Spock is expendable on their own, but not both of them. So now he's demonstrating this…by taking Spock to the planet when there's a good chance that they could be abandoned?_

_In fact, why does he _ever_ take Spock onto a planet that they don't know about? Spock is the friggin' second in command, his green butt should be on the ship._

_On one hand, Spock is second biggest star of the show, so he needs screen time._

_On the other hand…_

_XD )))_

_(((Also, in Completely Irrelevant news: Kirk begins his little 'you can leave us behind' speech with a nice big "Spock and I…"_

_It's cute._

_The end.)))_

Kirk and Spock beam down to Organia, and the Organians could give a hootnanny about two people beaming down out of thin air. They spot a castle which is kinda cool, and then some dude in a purple dress- I mean _tunic_ comes out and waves them over with a nice calm "Welcome."

They walk on over and the guy gives them the typical Organian hand gesture greeting, which Kirk tries to mimic as a sign of hospitality.

_(((And the poor sweetie fails pretty miserably. He looks soooo awkward._

_Fucking. Adorable.)))_

The fruitcake then introduces himself as Ayelborne, and Kirk introduces Spock, and then Spock very calmly executes the Organian greeting pretty damn well.

_(((I looooove that they did this. As amazing as it is to note Kirk and Spock's similarities, it's just as squee-inducing the note their differences.)))_

Kirk then basically asks Ayelborne to take them to his leader, and Ayelborne is all "Leader? Duhhhh, we don't have one of those. Oh, but we have this wicked cool Council of Elders. Yeah, I'm the chairman, it's pretty sweet."

_(((This concludes another installment of "If Ayelborne was Keanu Reeves.")))_

Ayelborne then begins to escort them to the council chamber, but Spock soon says that he wants to take a look around and, you know, be a scientist and shit. So they leave him behind.

_(((But Kirk manages to look back at him as he leaves. Can I call this out right 'slashy?' No…but it's still cute.)))_

Transition to Kirk telling the council of five elders that Klingons will probably try to take over their planet and what luck, Kirk has orders to not let that happen! He stresses that with the Federation they'll have choices, and the Klingons are just dirty bastards. The council is all "Ooooo pacifism" and Kirk tries the "HEY they'll throw you in PRISON and KILL YOU" argument but the council is still relaxed about the whole thing. Kirk goes to the other side of the room so the old guys can chat, and Spock comes in!

Spock tells Kirk that the planet isn't what they thought, there's been no progress or development, it's a stagnant culture. They approach the old guys, who tell them 'thanks but no thanks, no danger here' and Kirk gives a stirring little speech about how they can help them grow and develop. Kirk then gets word from Sulu that there's a bunch of Klingon ships in orbit now and Kirk tells him to take the ship and GTFO. Some old dude named Trefane says that there's a bunch of troops that have just landed, even though he couldn't possibly know that.

Well now that Kirk and Spock are stranded on a planet about to be taken over by Klingons, it's time for a commercial.

Aaaaaaaand back. Klingon troops are marching around.

_(((Btw, Klingon = Dudes with brown paint on their faces._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Spock and Kirk have had a costume change to blend in with the crowd, with Spock looking particularly adorable and hobbit-esque in his little cape.

_(((Heehee.)))_

But whups, during the change of clothes Ayelborne took their weapons and won't give them back. Then they figure out that they can explain Spock by calling him a Vulcan merchant.

_(((Smooth.)))_

The Klingon leader shows up then. His name is Kor, and he'll be your villain for this evening. Ayelborne introduces Kirk as 'Barona.'

Kirk isn't very pleased to see Kor, what with the whole Klingon-Human war hatred thing going on, then Kor notices Spock, who introduces himself as a just a wee little merchant.

Kor: "You do not look like a store keeper. Take this man. Vulcans are members of the Federation, he may be a spy."

Kirk: "He's no spy."

Kor turns and looks Kirk, who looks down for a moment.

_(((Uh oh, Kirk just blurted out in defense of Spock. We even see him look down and have a "oh shit why the hell did I do that" moment._

…_heehee…)))_

Kor walks back over to Kirk.

Kor: "Well…have we a ram among the sheep?"

_(((You have no idea how hard he can ram, sir. I mean Spock does, but you don't._

………………

_Oh my, was that a cheap dirty joke?_

_I do believe it was._

_My apologies._

_Continue.)))_

Kor: "You object to us taking him?"

_(((Watch Kirk's hands for this entire next bit. He's working them in a very passive aggressive way, a clear indication that he's trying to keep himself in check.)))_

Kirk: "He's done nothing. Nothing at all."

Kor: "Coming from an Organian, yours is practically an act of rebellion."

Kirk's eyes slide up at Kor.

_(((Oooo…Kirk is not a happy camper.)))_

Kor: "Very good."

After Kor notices the pure hatred Kirk is sending his way, he tells the council 'Whups, world's mine now.' Kor notices Kirk's clear disapproval of the whole thing, then asks the council for a liaison the Klingons and the Organians can work with…only to choose Kirk to do it two seconds later. Kirk's instant response is, "Uh…no?" but Kor kind of insists and since, you know, he's currently taking over the WORLD and everything, obeying him is kind of the only option.

Kor then announces that if one Klingon soldier is killed, one thousand Organians will die.

_(((Overcompensate much there Kor?)))_

Kor: "Take the Vulcan to the examination room. You…"

Kor walks over to Kirk again.

Kor: "Come with me. I will familiarize you with your new duties."

Kirk: "What about Mr. Spock?"

Kor: "You are concerned?"

Kirk: "He is my friend."

_(((FRIEND. He's a FRIEND. Nothing more than a FRIEND. All he is is a FRIEND. FRRRIIIIEEEENNNNDDDD._

_That's it._

_That's all._

_End of story._

_Nothing queer- I mean __**weird**__ here._

_Not at all._

_Not. At. All.)))_

_(((….seriously, could Kor have sounded any more insinuating?_

_Could Kirk have sounded any more defensive? _

_The answer is no._

_Draw your own conclusions, I have to go catch my mind. I really should put that thing on a leash and just yank it back to me whenever it reels like this…)))_

There's a brief moment of silence.

Kor: "You have a poor choice of friends. He will be examined. If he's lying, he will die. If he's telling the truth, he will find that business has taken a turn for the worse. Take him."

Kirk moves to stop the guards, but Kor stops him with a firm hand to his shoulder.

_(((Question - Which of the following accurately describes Kirk impulsively moving to rescue Spock and having to be restrained:_

_Romantic_

_Telling_

_Adorable_

_Dashing_

_All of the above_

_The answer: All of the motherfucking above._

_Holy. Monkey.)))_

Kirk gives Kor a giant "I CANNOT WAIT TO KILL YOU DEAD" glare, and they leave.

But not before Kirk makes another only half successful attempt to bid the council farewell in the traditional way.

_(((And he's so serious about it too. Heehee.)))_

Transition to Kor reading off all of the new and oh so lovely oppressive terms the Klingons will force upon the Organians.

Kirk = zomg ANGER

A guard brings Spock in then and explains to Kor that he seems to be telling the truth etc.

All the while, Kirk is looking directly at Spock.

_(((Even though Kirk's back is the camera at this point, we can tell that he's looking at Spock while the guard is speaking because when Kor moves into Kirk's view Kirk has to turn his head to look at him for a second…before going back to looking at Spock._

…

_YEAH.)))_

As the guard goes on to describe Spock, we get a close up of the cute little Vulcan. Up until now he's been staring off into space, but now we see him look over at Kirk for a moment.

Cut to Kirk staring back at Spock in just about the most delicious way possible.

_(((I'm not exaggerating, you can see for yourself. Kirk's looking at Spock with an amazing combination of thank-fuck-you're-alright and you-__**are**__-alright-aren't-you?_

_Not only is this trade of looks positively delectable, but it's also done in CLOSE UPS._

_I think the show wanted us to NOTICE THIS, don't you?)))_

The guard finishes his report, and Kor addresses Kirk.

Kor: "Would you like to try our little truth finder?"

Kirk: "I don't understand."

Kor: "It's a mind sifter, or a mind ripper."

_(((A Mind Fuck Machine, if you will.)))_

Kor keeps explaining.

Kirk looks at Spock.

Spock is already looking at Kirk.

Spock looks away and takes a breath.

_(((How the…what the…who the…_

_Could this get any more __**fucking goddamn precious**__? _

_Kirk looks at him like, "You…really went through that?" and meanwhile Spock, who _was already looking at Kirk_, quickly looks away and takes that damn telling breath. From this we know that, whatever the fuck happened to Spock, it was pretty damn serious._

_I'm amazed everyone's not suffocating, what with all the love in the room hogging all the air.)))_

Kor then finishes explaining that the machine can liek totally turn a silly brain into a veggie if it's kicked up to eleven.

Kirk addresses Spock.

Kirk: "Are you sure you're alright?"

Spock: "Perfectly, Barona, but it was an interesting experience."

_(((Translation: I got through it, but it was really, really bad.)))_

_(((……………………………………………………_

……………………………………

_AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW._

_Spock went through torture, and Kirk is all, "But…but you're okay right?"_

_What the fuck is this show trying to do to me, anyway? Kill me with cuteness?_

…

_IT'S WORKING.)))_

Kor dismisses Spock, then dismisses Kirk with the orders to keep people in order or, you know, DIE.

Transition to Kirk and Spock walking along outdoors and chatting about the Mind Fuck Machine Spock had to endure until a Klingon soldier rudely bumps into Kirk. Kirk immediately goes to attack the guy and Spock has to cut in.

_(((Impulsive Kirk is…impulsive.)))_

_(((And hot.)))_

Spock: "I'm sorry sir, we did not notice you."

Kirk: "Next time keep your eyes open or I'll shut them permanently."

Then the Klingon shoves Spock into Kirk and walks away. Kirk makes another move to place his foot promptly in the Klingon's ass, and Spock holds him back again.

_(((This is the second time in one episode where Kirk has tried to protect Spock and somebody wouldn't let him._

_Poor Kirk, he just wants to defend his crush in a manly fashion. =( )))_

They start walking and talking again about what the crap they could do about this whole thing, and they hatch a plan to do *something* to the Klingon's munitions facility.

Transition to Kirk and Spock sneaking under cover of night and blowing up the facility, complete with a hilarious little run from Spock as he skitters ahead to drop the ring into Mordor- I mean find a grenade.

There's a big explosion and a quick cut to Kirk talking to the council about said explosion. Ayelborne is all "Ew violence" but Kirk is like "_Yay_ violence!"

Kirk: "All I understand is that you apparently don't have the back bone to stand up and fight and protect the ones you love."

_(((Firstly: Ouch, Kirk. Ouch._

_Secondly: You may not feel the sting yet, but you've been bitch slapped by slash._

_Ayelmore doesn't have the back bone to protect the ones he loves, eh Kirk? Well now, haven't we seen you try and protect somebody twice in this very episode?_

_Pssh, no, we couldn't have. That would be far too strong a connection from your words to those actions. That would mean you _loved_ whoever you tried to protect._

_And THAT notion is simply RIDICULOUS.)))_

_(((Sarcasm aside (not for long, don't panic), it's not hard to see where I'm going with this. Kirk flat out says, 'You don't care about fighting for you loved ones' but the obvious implied end of the line is "like I do." And even if it wasn't implied with his tone it would be implied anyway because HE'S TRIED TO PROTECT SPOCK TWICE IN LESS THAN FIFTEEN MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES._

_It's about as discreet as Twilight is good. Srsly.)))_

_(((Feel the sting yet?_

………………………………

_Thought so.)))_

Whups, Kor has been listening to the whole conversation in another room and storms in with some soldiers. He says that he's gonna put Kirk in the Mind Fuck Machine, but Ayleborne is all "Nah it's cool, the dude's name is Captain James T. Kirk."

_(((::Headdesk:: )))_

Kor is all "oooOooOoooo the captain of the Enterprise!" and it takes him about .2 seconds to figure out that Spock is the second in command because, although ugly, he is not stupid.

Kor then orders Spock thrown in prison and Kirk to Kor's office for a wee little chat.

Transition to said chat. Kirk isn't being very cooperative (he's a BAMF like that) while Kor tries to get him to talk about shit.

_(((Check out how Kirk is sitting. It's Sexy times Dashing plus Furry Boots. I can't even begin to tell you how much hotness that adds up to, but it's a _lot_.)))_

They shoot the shit for a while, Kor point out their similarities as a species, how they're both killers, yadda yadda.

Kor: "Tell me about the dispersal of your Starfleet."

Kirk lets a wide grin slowly spread across his face.

_(((It's the greatest "Fuck you" face I. have. ever. seen.)))_

Kirk: "Go climb a tree."

_(((::gasp:: Language, Kirk! My god man, there are CHILDREN in the audience!!)))_

Kor mentions the Mind Fuck Machine and its awesomeness a.g.a.i.n.

Then Kor brings up dissecting and killing Spock.

Uh oh.

Kirk isn't smiling anymore.

_(((In fact, we get to see his face go from solemn to Don't-You-Fucking-Dare when Kor says the word 'dissected.' _

_The Brown Brutha has no idea what he just threatened._

_Poor schmuck.)))_

Kor then gives Kirk twelve hours to talk or _else_. Then he has Kirk taken to the cell where Spock is.

Cut to Kirk being thrown in the cell. Spock has to hold Kirk back a.g.a.i.n.

Transition to a few hours later. Kirk kneels next to Spock as they try to hash out an escape plan but hey hey, they don't have to! Ayelborne pops in and springs them loose because Kor intends to do violence and we can't have THAT.

Ayelborne takes them back to the council chamber, and Kor hears that they've escaped.

Kirk and Spock try to talk sense into the council until Kor comes over the P.A. system and basically says, "So, uh, give back Kirk and Spock, 'kay? Oh, and to show that we're super serious...hey lookie there, we just killed two hundred Organians! If we don't have Kirk and Spock back in two hours, another two hundred we'll die. Aren't we just so deliciously evil?"

Back from commercial, and the council is still all "Pacifism is da shiznit."

Kirk and Spock decide that it's up to them, and Kirk asks Ayelborne where their phasers are. Ayelborne won't tell him, so Kirk marches around the table, turns Ayelborne's chair around, and gets right in his face.

Kirk: "You've told us a great deal about how you hate violence. Unless you tell me where those phasers are, you're gonna have more violence than you know what to do with."

_(((::cat hiss::_

_I'd say Kirk is done dicking around with the Pacifists, yes?)))_

Ayelborne tells them, Spock gets them, and Kirk makes the point that he doesn't _really _ give a crap about the planet, but he and Spock are gonna go probably die to make a point.

_(((How much more fucking valiant can you GET?)))_

Transition to another nighttime infiltration. Kirk and Spock hide behind some bushes outside the castle the Klingons have adopted as their own.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, can we get those two guards? What would you say our odds are on getting out of here?"

Spock: "Difficult to be precise, captain. I should say approximately 7,824.7 to 1."

Kirk: "Difficult to be precise? 7,824 to one?"

Spock: "7824._7_ to one."

Kirk: "That's a pretty close approximation."

Spock: "I endeavor to be accurate."

Kirk: "You do quite well."

_(((Okay seriously boys, if you want me to live long enough to analyze every single episode, and the movies, you're gonna have to cut down on the adorable banter._

…………………………

_I don't stand a chance.)))_

They start the infiltration and meanwhile the council is in their chamber "preparing themselves."

Cut to Kor ordering for two hundred more Organians to be rounded up for execution.

Cut to Kirk and Spock doing the sneaky sneaky in another part of the castle. They come to a doorway and Kirk undoes his little rope belt.

_(((::cues up porno music:: )))_

Kirk then pounces on a passing guard and drags him back to the doorway.

_(((::hangs head:: ))) _

_(((::puts porno music away:: )))_

Kirk then asks the Klingon about Kor's office and the hostages, then calls Spock over to use the ol' Vulcan Nerve Pinch.

Kirk: "Well, what are the odds now?"

Spock: "Less than 7,000 to one, captain. Remarkable we've gotten this far."

Kirk: "Less than 7,000 to one. Well, getting better."

Kirk then takes Spock by the wrist and leads him down the hall.

_(((Question: Why didn't he take Spock by the hand?_

_Answer: Homophobia ruins everything.)))_

_(((Question: Is it goddamn adorable anyway?_

_Answer: Fucking DUH.)))_

The Not So Ambiguously Gay Duo gallop into Kor's office and hold him at phaser point. Kor mentions how a Federation fleet is about to show up and there's a Klingon fleet ready to meet them. They bullshit for a while, mercy this and war that, until Kor reveals that they're being watched and four guards come in. Before anyone can fire though, they all drop their weapons like hot potatoes (Duo included). Then they try to fight but jump back as if they're being burned.

Cut to the bridge of the Enterprise, where everyone jumps away from their consoles as if being burned as well.

Back with the Duo, they wonder wtf is going on and Ayelborne drops in with another council member to explain that all instruments of violence are now super heated to keep them from being operated here and on both the Starfleet and Klingon ships.

_(((I was gonna crack a 'too hot to handle joke' but Sulu does it for me when he reports to Kirk. =( )))_

Ayelborne then explains that he's putting a kabbash on this whole "war" thing, and until everyone learns how to play nice he's immobilizing, well, _everything_.

Kirk and Kor get into a shouting match for a bit, then Ayelborne explains that no Organians have been killed.

_(((Wait what?)))_

They discuss war for a bit, which was the message of the whole episode in case you're just now tuning in, and then Ayelborne and the other council member politely ask for all of them to GTFO because their presence is a big drag to "beings like ourselves."

Kirk: "What do you mean 'beings like yourselves?'"

Ayelborne: "Millions of years ago, captain, we were humanoid like yourselves, but we have developed beyond the need for physical bodies. That of us which you see is mere appearance for your sake."

_(((So a highly evolved race embraces the concept of peace instead of war?_

_I __**wonder**__ what one of the __**messages**__ of this __**episode**__ is.)))_

Kor is all "ZOMG let's kill teh basterds!!"

But the guys turn into blinding pink spheres and vanish before anyone can do anything so…there goes that.

Spock is fascinated. Everyone dies of shock.

He then explains how everything they've seen must have been constructed to provide visitors with familiar points of reference so there's no gaping plot hole. Everyone comes back to life for a second to die of shock again.

Kirk is all "Welp, that does it for the war I s'pose" and Kor is like "That sucks, it would've been wicked awesome."

Transition to the final scene on the bridge.

Kirk is in his chair, lost in his own thoughts. Spock passes by, notices, and steps to his side. Kirk sees him and snaps out of it.

Spock: "You've been most restrained since we left Organia."

_(((WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN HOW WHY SLASH?!!?!?! _

_If you needed proof that Spock keeps an eye on Kirk's well being, you just found it. _

_So Spock has been noticing that Kirk hasn't been himself for a while, and now he's finally bringing it up. How. God. Damn. Sweet._

_Also, check out how Spock says the line. It's not his typical 'all business' tone, it's much softer, much more "aw, what's wrong, hon?"_

_And another thing, the word 'restrained' sends off more than a few alarms. Could Spock be alluding that Kirk hasn't been his normal flirty self? You bet your slashy ass he is._

_If all of this doesn't make you grin…then I just can't help you.)))_

Kirk: "I'm embarrassed."

Spock is patiently interested.

Kirk: "I was furious with the Organians for stopping a war I didn't want. We think of ourselves as the most powerful beings in the universe. It's unsettling to discover that we're wrong."

_(((Message #2, ladies and gents.)))_

Spock: "Captain, it took millions of years for the Organians to evolve into what they are. Even the gods did not spring into being overnight. You and I have no reason to be embarrassed. We did, after all, beat the odds."

_(((Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, he's trying to make his cap'n feel better. _

_::cough, hack:: Goddamn, it's hard to breathe in here with all of this love sucking up the air.)))_

Kirk is grinning a little before he speaks.

_(((Yet another moment where Spock just being Spock absolutely _tickles_ Captain Sexy Pants.)))_

Kirk: "Oh no no no, Mr. Spock, we didn't beat the odds, we didn't have a _chance_. The Organians raided the game."

Spock is a little surprised by this, his eyebrow even twitches upward.

Kirk smiles at him, and they part ways, going about their business. Kirk walks around the console, glances over at Spock, and holds a slight grin as he looks forward.

_(((No lie, Kirk really does do that. It's a little scrap of evidence that Spock is still on Kirk's mind, and what a final shot of Kirk, eh?_

_::sigh:: )))_

End of Episode!

* * *

**Scoreness!**

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 2

Episodes Left Until Amok Time – 6


	28. 1x28 The City on the Edge of Forever

**Author's Note: **To answer some reviewers (who don't have an account, shame on them =P): That one clipin my "If I Tell You" vid is from season three. The episode is called "And The Children Shall Head" and believe me, I can't wait to get to that episode...oh my...

Someone asked if I'd make a sequel to the "If I Tell You" vid and I basically already have. It's called "My Immortal" and picks up where the other vid left off (something I didn't even realize until I was halfway through making the second vid, ha).

P.S. – My mom loves TOS, and I only recently told her about my K/S obsession. She's a very Christian woman, so obviously she was like 'Yeah, whateva' to the whole 'Hey they're canon' thing.

Then I told her about t'hy'la.

Her exact words: "…well, there you go."

My **uber Christian Trekkie mother** acknowledged K/S.

Brittany – 1, World – 0

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Eight: The City on the Edge of Forever**

We join the Enterprise when all is calm and collected oh no wait they're at red alert and getting fired at.

No wait, they're not getting fired at, they're passing through turbulence.

No wait, it's not turbulence, it's ripples in time.

Now Sulu's injured! What the FUCK is going on!?!?!?

Kirk gives some orders to Uhura.

Kirk: "Open a channel to Starfleet Command. Precautionary measure, lieutenant. Broadcast to Starfleet command my past week's log entries, starting with the unusual readings we had on the instruments and how they led us here. Inform Starfleet command that apparently something or someone down on this planet-"

Then McCoy pops in to help Scotty and Kirk points him in the right direction.

_(((Behold, Kirk's first "someone or something" type line. Even though the typical Shatner joke we all know and love is a reference to an episode of _The Twilight Zone _called _"The Thing on the Wing," _it still makes me giggle to hear him say it.)))_

Kirk: "-can affect changes in time, causing turbulent waves of space displacement."

McCoy has detected some heart flutter with poor Sulu, and decides to risk a small dose of Corgecine.

Kirk: "Tricky stuff. Are you sure you want to risk-"

McCoy gives Sulu the injection, and Sulu immediately comes around.

McCoy: "You were about to make a medical comment, Jim?"

_(((ZING! McCoy gets the first snarky comment of the episode. ::waves pom poms:: )))_

Kirk then straightens up, looking a bit sheepish.

Kirk: "Who me, doctor?"

_(((Everybody loves BAMF Kirk, and I'm right along with them. There's nothing quite like BAMF Kirk, which makes Sheepish Kirk all the more drop dead adorable…heehee.)))_

Spock says that they're coming up on some particularly WHOA displacement, and the ship is hit with some turbulence…causing McCoy to fall on a hypo full of Corgecine! OCTOLIEBE!!!!

Well it takes about .7 seconds for McCoy to go all sweaty and bat shit insane, yelling 'Killers!' and the like while making a mad dash for the elevator before anyone can stop him.

Titles!!

And we're back to see McCoy sneaking into the transporter room and giving the random working crewman (who is very busy looking at something over THERE) a quick one-two judo chop, which sends the guy right to the floor.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Cut to Kirk arriving on the bridge. He heads on over to Spock for an update.

Kirk: "Medical Department knows as little as we do. In dosages approaching this, there's some record of wild paranoia."

_(((Wild paranoia? You don't say!!)))_

Spock basically says the same thing, but is interrupted by security contacting the bridge.

_(((Could we practice some kindergarten skills here, guys? There's been more interrupting in the past five minutes than an episode of _The View_, for chrissake._

…_okay maybe not _that_ much…but still.)))_

Kirk gets word that McCoy has used the transporter which, at the time, was pointed at the center of the displacement area!

_(((What MORON pointed the TRANSPORTER at the CENTER of the DISPLACEMENT?!?!)))_

Kirk orders up a landing party to go fetch Dr. McCrazy.

They beam down. The landing party includes the two usual suspects, plus Uhura, Scotty, and two random crewman.

_(((Why are Scotty and Uhura there? Well Uhura is big on communications, see, so clearly they brought her to talk McCoy back into sanity. And Scotty's an engineer, right, so they obviously brought him in case McCoy needs to be jerry-rigged in some fashion._

…………………………………

_/end bullshit.)))_

The first thing they see on the lonely looking planet is a huge metal…uh…_thing_ surrounded by broken pillars.

_(((…don't call it a metal vagina don't call it a metal vagina…)))_

Spock takes a reading and says that it must be around ten thousand centuries old. Everybody fans out and Kirk comments that it seems to be pulsating with power.

_(((Now it's pulsing with power._

…_don't…call it…_

_::stuffs sock in mouth::)))_

Spock deduces that this one big…_thing_…is the source of all the displacement, which is just a tad impossible. Hey look at that, it's even operating as they speak, "putting out waves and waves of time displacement."

_(((::starts turning red:: )))_

Cut to Uhura and a random crewman looking for McCoy. They pass by a rock and keep going, and up pops…McCoy!

_(((Uhura must have been the one to give searching tips to whoever had to look for WMDs in Iraq.)))_

McCoy runs off in the other direction.

Cut back to Spock and Kirk.

Spock: "Incredible power. It can't be a machine as we understand mechanics."

_(((…can't…fight back…the joke…much…longer…)))_

Kirk: "Then what is it?"

The mysterious machine lights up as it speaks.

Machine: "A question!"

_(((…Now it's talking?_

_::explodes::_

_IT'S A GIANT TALKING LIT UP METAL VAGINA!!!! AND OUR HEROES ARE FUCKING FRAMED BY IT!!!!! __**LOOK AT IT**__!!!! AHHHHSKASRFNEJWDGNVJL!!!!)))_

Metal Vagina: "Since before your sun burned hot in space, and before your race was born, I have awaited a question."

Kirk: "What are you?"

_(((Something that should be pretty damn __**obvious**__ to anyone who's seen porn.)))_

Metal Vagina: "I am the Guardian of Forever."

Kirk: "Are you machine or being?"

Metal Vagina: "I am both, and neither. I am my own beginning, my own ending."

_(((All of this dialogue is made instantly _hilarious_ since it's coming from a metal VAGINA. I can't even type this shit without giggling._

………_shut up, I'm allowed one completely immature reaction a season. =P )))_

Spock: "I see no reason for answers to be couched in riddles."

_(((You know you're full of it when SPOCK tells you to lighten up on the cryptic bullshit.)))_

Metal Vagina: "I answer as simply as your level of understanding makes possible."

_(((Oh snap, I think the vagina just called them stupid.)))_

Cut to Scotty and a random crewman passing by a hiding McCoy. Sneaky sneaky, McCoy.

Cut back to Kirk and Spock, where Spock has apparently had a revelation due to the overwhelming amount of clear facts the Metal Vagina had just revealed. o.O

Spock: "A time portal, captain. A gateway to other times and other dimensions, if I'm correct."

_(((Okay, my bad, it's the Metal Vagina of TIME TRAVEL.)))_

Metal Vagina of Time Travel: "As correct as possible, for you."

_(((Was that…sarcasm? Okay okay, one more change to thing's name.)))_

Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel: "Your science knowledge is obviously primitive."

Spock seems a little offended.

Spock: "Really?"

Kirk: "Annoyed, Spock?"

_(((Captain Sexy Pants never misses an opportunity to poke fun at Spock's emotions. What a bastard. XD )))_

Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel: "Behold!'

The machine's hole starts misting.

_(((I don't even have to make the jokes anymore, do I? No? Thought so._

_Excuse me while I get a Kleenex. These tears of laughter are getting everywhere. _

_The way Kirk and Spock are gaping at the thing does NOT help either, omg.)))_

Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel: "A gateway to your own past, if you wish."

The machine's hole starts showing glimpses of Earth's past.

_(((So…now the vagina is displaying our history._

…_.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA::passes out:: )))_

McCoy runs over then, trying to escape the landing party. Spock walks on over and gives him a Vulcan Nerve Pinch, then Kirk wonders aloud if they could go through the Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel and go back to before McCoy's accident. Spock then notes that the eras are passing by too quickly and that the odds of jumping in at the exact right moment are pretty slim.

_(((It's okay, guys, vaginas have always been pretty tricky to handle._

……_when the hell did my mind fall in the gutter?_

_I blame the vagina.)))_

Kirk: "Guardian, can you change the speed with which yesterday passes?"

Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel: "I was made to offer the past in this manner. I cannot change."

_(((So the Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel is vastly superior to them and capable of time travel to any era, but it has no 'Pause' button.)))_

Kirk gets a little smile on his face.

Kirk: "Strangely compelling, isn't it?"

_(((….can't….breathe……too…funny……)))_

McCoy starts coming around. Spock then realizes that he could have been getting this whole thing with the tricorder, and while everyone is good and distracted by the intense 'oh no Spock hasn't been taping' drama, McCoy dives on into the Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel and vanishes.

Now suddenly they can't contact the Enterprise. The communicator eventually gets handed to Scotty, who says that nothing's wrong with it.

_(((Oh THAT'S why he's there. Makes total sense…::cough:: )))_

The machine tells them that everything they knew has gone bye bye. They all reason that McCoy must have changed history because they're not dumbasses and Uhura chimes in with her big close up line of the episode: "I'm frightened."

Kirk: "Earth's not there, at least not the Earth we know. We're…totally alone."

::cue Kirk's slow motion look at the sky as the camera pans up to the stars::

_(((Even people in the 60s had to shoot a 'REALLY?' eyebrow at the screen for that one._

…

_Yay 60s.)))_

Back from commercial, where basically what happens is that Kirk makes sure that if all goes well it'll be like nothing happened, which the Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel confirms. Then Kirk and Spock dive into the thing when Spock figures that it's time (thanks to his tricorder recordings).

And poof, Kirk and Spock are in 1930s America! On the street! In broad daylight!

They retreat to a little corner and have a look at their surroundings. Some passing older ladies notice them and they have a wonderful ::cough:: nothing to see here ::cough:: moment, complete with Spock scratching his head to hide his ears.

Kirk: "We seem to be costumed a little out of step with the times."

Spock: "I'm afraid I'm going to be difficult to explain in any case, captain."

Kirk places a hand on Spock's upper arm and looks at his pointy ears.

Kirk: "Well, Mr. Spock, if we can't disguise you, we'll find some way of explaining you."

_(((1. Not very many people touch Spock when it's not an emergency. And by 'not very many' I mean 'nobody else except Kirk.'_

_2. Spock seems perfectly okay with this._

_3. That was the weakest excuse to touch Spock that Kirk has ever used. _

_4. You smiled when it happened. Don't lie.)))_

More passersby notice them, and they pull an even greater 'Don't mind us' attempt until they're left alone.

Kirk and Spock leave their corner and cross the street, but not before almost getting hit by a car and Kirk having to pull Spock out of the way when he just stands and stares at it.

They cross the street and Kirk sees something interesting so he puts his hand out in front of Spock to stop him.

_(((In Almost Pornographic News: When Kirk stops him, his hand gets dangerously close to…a place…_

_It's obviously not intended to mean anything at all…it's just O.O for us slashers.)))_

What has Kirk seen, you ask? Clothes hanging out to dry on a fire escape. He soon shimmies on up and nabs some for him and Spock, and they start to head out of the alley.

Kirk: "I think I'm going to like this century. Simple, easier to manage. We're not gonna have any difficulty explaining-"

And BAM, they see that a lovely cop is staring them down. He's clearly seen everything.

Cop: "Well?"

Kirk: "You're a police officer. I recognize the traditional accoutrements."

_(((2 points for good word usage, -2 for saying something that would sound weird to a regular person living in the time period.)))_

Kirk and Spock look at each other. Kirk has a 'Well what the shit do we do now?' expression.

Spock: "You said you would have no trouble explaining it."

_(((2 points for Spock choosing to be a snarky bastard in a time of crisis.)))_

Kirk looks at the cop.

Kirk: "My friend…is obviously Chinese."

_(((BAHAHAHA, smooth, Kirk. Smooooooooth.)))_

Kirk: "I see you've noticed the ears. They're actually easy to explain."

Kirk and Spock look at each other again. Spock is still unbelievably calm and cool, and lets Kirk flounder for a little longer before he dryly throwing the poor captain a life raft.

Spock: "Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child."

Kirk: "The unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical…rice picker."

Spock looks over at Kirk.

_(((With Spock's amazingly BAMF, dry behavior through all of this, I can't help but feel that, on the inside, he is laughing his ASS off at Kirk's numerous epic fails.)))_

Kirk: "But fortunately there was an American missionary living close by who was actually a, uh, skilled plastic surgeon in civilian life-"

_(((You just keep digging that grave, Kirk.)))_

The cop has had enough of this bullshit and tells them to put their hands against the wall. The cop starts to frisk Kirk first.

_(((And anyone watching that's attracted to Kirk curses with envy.)))_

Kirk then decides to start using that thing in his skull and addresses the cop.

Kirk: "Oh, how careless of your wife to let you go out that way."

Cop: "What?"

Spock: "Oh yes, it's quite untidy. Here, let me help you."

One quick Vulcan Nerve Pinch later and the cop is down for the count. They make a run for it, ducking into the first open door in an alley they can find. They find themselves in a very dirty, cluttered basement. They start sorting out the clothes they've stolen.

Kirk: "You were actually enjoying my predicament back there."

_(((He sure as hell was. XD )))_

Kirk: "At times you seem quite human."

Spock: "Captain, I hardly believe that insults are within your prerogative as my commanding officer."

_(((Oh my, that was just a touch snippy. On one hand, it was a good way to get around having to explain his enjoyment (which is oh so inconveniently _human_), and on the other hand it was a nice way to say to Kirk, 'I'm not in the mood for the cute shit right now, other crap is happening.)))_

Kirk: "Sorry."

Transition to them finished changing.

_(((And the fangirls heave a collective sigh of "NOT FAIR.")))_

They discuss their current situation: Spock estimates that they've arrived about a week before McCoy is supposed to, and that hopefully time works as one fluid construct as the same wave that landed them here will land McCoy in the same town.

Spock mentions how his tricorder could basically tell them everything they need to know right now, but he has no way of getting at the information without the ship's computers.

Kirk: "Couldn't you build some form of computer aid here?"

Spock: "In this zinc-plated, vacuum-tubed culture?"

Kirk: "Yes, well it would pose an extremely complex problem in logic, Mr. Spock."

Spock lifts an eyebrow. Kirk turns away.

_(((Why Kirk, you manipulative bastard._

_I love you.)))_

Kirk leans down and opens the furnace.

Kirk: "Excuse me. I sometimes expect too much of you."

_(((Oooo, look at Kirk's face. He knows exactly what he's doing and how he's toying with Spock's (very human) pride. Heeheehee…)))_

Now Spock's eyebrow shoots _way_ up.

_(((And Spock is falling for it._

_Who's enjoying whose predicament NOW?)))_

Then the lights come on and we hear a woman's voice. Spock throws on a wool cap to hide his Vulcan-ness and Kirk sees the chick first. He offers up some lame 'oh sorry for breaking in but it's uber chilly outside' excuse that she doesn't buy for a second. This display of remote intelligence earns her some Dame of the Hour music, but the typical googly eyes are nowhere to be found yet.

Kirk then opts for honesty and tells them that were running from cops 'cause they stole clothes. She responds to this by offering them a job cleaning up around the place for a whopping 15 cents an hour.

She asks for names, and Kirk opts for honesty again both with his and Spock's.

_(((Why the weird name or the David Bowie eyebrows don't make her wonder…we have no idea._

_Well in her defense, Bowie wouldn't be around for another thirty five-ish years.)))_

She says her name is Edith, and tells them that they're in a mission, and that she runs the place, and the Dame of the Hour music builds to high pitched climax.

Transition to later, where Kirk and Spock are getting free dinner from the mission's cafeteria with a bunch of other down-on-their-luck guys. They take a seat, and Edith comes in and gets up on a little stage.

Some homeless dude next to Kirk decides to start talking.

Homeless Dude: "You'll be sorry."

Kirk: "Why?"

Homeless Dude: "You expect to eat for free or somethin'? You gotta listen to goody two-shoes. Not that she's a bad lookin' broad, but if she really wanted to help out a fella in need-"

Kirk: "Shut up. _Shut up_."

_(((You go, Kirk. You be a good man.)))_

Kirk and Spock look at each other.

Kirk: "Want to hear what she has to say."

Spock: "Yes, of course, captain."

_(((Uh oh, with the delivery of that line, I think Spock is already starting to notice something about Kirk and Edith, and I don't think he likes it.)))_

Edith then makes the announcement that if anyone here is just a lazy drunk who wants a free meal and doesn't want a better life, then GTFO. Kirk seems enjoys this remark, as he grins to himself a little.

She goes on to give a bit of an inspirational speech for a second. Kirk is listening, Spock looks off for a second, apparently not as riveted.

_(((Hmmmm…)))_

Edith then goes on to talk about how she thinks that one day man will go into space and jump from planet to planet and bring food and peace etc etc.

Kirk: "Development of atomic power's years away. Space flight, years after that."

_(((Kirk offers this a 'hey that's pretty nifty of her' type of comment…)))_

Spock: "Speculation. Gifted insight."

_(((…and Spock shoots it down as 'nothing special, a good guesser.'_

_Hmmmm……)))_

Kirk starts looking at Edith again.

Kirk: "I find her most uncommon, Mr. Spock."

Spock's eyes slide from Kirk to Edith.

_(((Spock most definitely does NOT like the sound of that._

_Kirk has his big jealousy hour in _This Side of Paradise_, and now Spock gets to go through the same thing. This happens a lot with them, one experiences something, and a little while later the other experiences the same thing. It's a good tactic that writers use, and you've probably seen stuff like this before. It's used pretty commonly in love stories._

……

_Yeah, you read it right.)))_

Transition to after dinner. Edith catches up with Kirk and compliments their work on the basement. Kirk throws her a little grin and asks if they can expect more work then.

_(((Uh oh, Kirk is grinning again. We all know what that means.)))_

Edith asks if they've got a "flop" to stay in, and has to define "flop" for Kirk as a "place to sleep." When he says that they don't have anywhere to go, she offers a vacant room at her place for $2 a week and he thanks her. Now he's _really_ grinning at her.

_((('Uh oh' indeed.)))_

Edith runs off and Kirk walks on over to Spock.

Kirk: "We have a flop."

Spock: "We have a what, captain?"

Kirk: "A place to sleep."

Spock: "Might have said so in the first place."

_(((Kirk seems to enjoy knowing something that Spock doesn't, and Spock doesn't seem to be in much of a mood for play._

_Shock. Amazement.)))_

Yet another transition lands us in Kirk and Spock's room at Edith's a few days later. Spock has some crazy machine in the process of being built. We see him working alone, slowly.

_(((As crucial, and as short, as time is in this case, he really should be working at a steady pace at _least_, but instead he's just sort of half-assing it at the moment. He looks like he's sulking, for crying out loud._

_Now WHY would he be sulking when he's all by himself, I wonder?)))_

_(((Also, there's only one small little bed in the room._

…_just thought I'd point that out for those with dirty minds.)))_

Kirk comes in the door with some paper bags then.

_(((Honey, I'm home!!)))_

_(((You know you think that whenever you watch this episode, don't lie.)))_

Spock says that he'll need a few pounds of platinum and Kirk gets a 'Srsly?' look on his face and gives Spock a sarcastic little speech about how he got food for them but gosh darnit no platinum or any other precious metals. Spock starts talking about how he might be able to pull something together in three weeks to a month, but there's a knock at the door. Spock scrambles to get on his little wool cap and Kirk makes a dash for the door and gets there just in time stop Edith from coming all the way into the room.

_(((I don't know why I like this bit so much, but I do. The sudden emergency to keep their secret a secret, the panic in Kirk as he cuts Edith off…_

…_okay maybe I do know why…)))_

Edith has a job for them, but she gets a look at the weird contraption Spock is making. Spock actually tells her what he's trying to do, which only confuses Edith. Kirk tries to look as nonchalant as possible, waving her out the door so he can follow.

She leaves. Kirk watches her. Spock looks over at her leaving and stares for a solid few moments. Kirk casually looks back at Spock, who immediately looks away and grabs his coat in an annoyed manner.

_(((Geez, Spock, you _really_ don't like her, do you?)))_

_(((Kudos to Nimoy for this whole damn Edith thing, he does a fantastic job with the subtle (but still very very present) hints at Spock's jealousy._

_And yes, he is _jealous_. There's no other explanation for him acting like this in this situation. None.)))_

And another transition takes us to Kirk and Spock sweeping up the cafeteria. A couple of guys are working on a clock at a nearby table, and Spock notices the tools they're using.

Cut to Spock jacking the tools from a locked box.

Cut to the basement, where Spock and Kirk are just kind of chilling. Edith comes down the stairs and knows all about the stolen tools. She immediately confronts Spock.

Edith: "Why did you do it?"

Spock: "I needed the fine tools for my radio work. They'd have been returned in the morning."

Edith: "I'm sorry, I can't-"

Kirk: "If Mr. Spock says that he needs the tools, and that they'll be returned tomorrow morning, you can bet your reputation on that, Ms. Keeler."

_(((Hey hey, good to see Kirk standing up for Spock again.)))_

_(((The 'Ms. Keeler' bit is delivered with a particularly flirtatious and charged expression from Kirk to Edith. There goes Kirk again, using his sexiness to get out of a situation._

_Yes, yes, I know he does actually like the chick, but that doesn't stop him from charming his way out of this little problem anyway, and that's the distinct impression we get from this moment.)))_

Guess what? Kirk's charm works again.

Edith: "One condition…walk me home?"

Kirk and Edith are now standing across from each other, with Spock a little in the background but right smack dead between them.

_(((The visual implication punches you in the face, people.)))_

Edith: "I still have a few questions I'd like to ask about you two."

Kirk raises his eyebrows in a knee-shakingly adorable way.

Edith: "And don't give me that 'questions about little old us?' look. You know as well as I do how out of place you two are around here."

Spock: "Interesting. Where would you estimate we belong, Ms. Keeler?"

Edith: "You? At his side as if you've always been there and always will."

_(((You have no idea how right you are, babe.)))_

_(((_spooky-fbi_ kicked me in the butt (in the kindest way possible of course) to elaborate on this line more, and she was right to do so. Edith comments that they look out of place, Spock asks where exactly they belong then, and Edith says that Spock belongs at Kirk's side._

_Well...Spock kind of IS at Kirk's side right now in literal and Starfleet terms, so what the crap did she mean by her statement? Why does Spock seem out of place? The only thing that makes sense is the fact that he seems out of place because of his jealousy, because he's not the one on the receiving end of Kirk's telling grins and flirting at the moment. Edith (who has proven to be observant and intelligent) has picked up on this, and says as much. _

_Nothing else would put Spock out of place, so she can't be reffering to anything else (unless you count the eyebrows, but everyone in the 30s seems to just not see them, so we're gonna assume the things are invisible. Yay 30s...and 60s.) )))  
_

Spock looks over at Kirk, who's still looking at Edith.

Edith (to Kirk): "And you…you belong in another place…I don't know where or how. I'll figure it out eventually."

Meanwhile, Spock is looking back and forth from Kirk to Edith and back again.

_(((GUH, poor SPOCK. Vulcan needs a hug. =( )))_

Edith and Kirk grin at each other for a moment.

Spock starts to turn away.

Spock: "I'll finish with the furnace."

_(((Seriously, if you can't see the jealousy and pain that Spock is going through right now, go to the doctor. You're blind, and that's kind of an emergency.)))_

_(((Also worth noting is Edith and Kirk's grinning moment. _

_What I find funny (and fucking infuriating), is that people will argue 'til they're blue in the face about Edith being Kirk's "one true love" and how the thought of K/S is simply ridiculous, when Kirk and Spock have moments EXACTLY FUCKING LIKE THIS ONE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME BASTARD SON OF A BITCH FUCKING __**CHRIST**__. _

_You can't look at this moment between a man and a woman and call it Sexual Chemistry, and then look at the __**same**__ moment between two men and call it Not Sexual Chemistry. Why? Because that makes you a FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL HOMOPHOBIC ASSHOLE. _

_**GAWD.**__)))_

Edith: "Captain. Even when he doesn't say it, he does."

Edith leaves. Kirk watches her go, then follows. Spock, who's gone back to shoveling coal, takes a moment to look over his shoulder after both of them.

_(((How many 'jealousy' moments does that make? At least five.)))_

Cut to Kirk and Edith walking along, holding hands, having a smooshy mooshy hetero love scene.

_(((Finally, they throw the straight people a bone. It's been a while for them. =P )))_

There is one bit that's interesting though.

Edith: "Whatever it is, let me help."

Kirk: "Let me help…a hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words, even over 'I love you.'"

_(((Hmmmm……interesting. I'll have to keep that in mind in future episodes. It has its obvious implications in this specific scene, but it could come in definite hand at some point later on, like that one guy's definition of love in _Dagger of the Mind_.)))_

Transition to Spock getting his machine to actually work, and he sees the headline of a newspaper plus a picture of Edith that reads "SOCIAL WORKER KILLED."

_(((::gasp:: Edith dies? NO. WAY.)))_

The signal cuts out then, and Kirk enters soon after. Spock tells him that he's got it working and Kirk, who's in a pretty good mood, is all ready to have a look. Spock's warning that what they find might "distress him" doesn't phase him in the slightest.

They get a signal again, only this time the headline reads something about, six years from now, Edith meeting with the President.

Then the signal goes out and the machine sets on fire for a few seconds, shorting out.

Kirk: "The president…and Edith Keeler…"

Kirk clearly sounds impressed and a bit excited.

Spock: "It would seem unlikely, Jim."

_(((……WHOA._

_Spock is quick to speak up. It's very 'don't get too excited now.'_

_He played the Jim card, and we all know for a fact what that means. Spock is having an emotional response.)))_

Spock: "A few moments ago I read a 1930 newspaper article."

Kirk: "We know her future. Within six years from now she'll become very important, nationally famous."

Spock: "Or, captain, Edith Keeler will die. This year."

_(((And now Spock is back to using 'captain.' Apparently this trip to Flagrant Emotion Land was a short one._

_We're obviously meant to note the contrast, the 'Jim' and 'captain' happen within a few lines of each other.)))_

Kirk's face instantly falls.

Spock: "I saw her obituary. Some sort of traffic accident."

Spock goes on to explain that Edith is the focal point they've been needing to find but, of course, they don't know if her original destiny was to live or die.

They look at each other for a moment, then Kirk starts to leave, ordering Spock to get the machine fixed so they can get more information.

Spock: "Captain, suppose we discover that, in order to set things straight again, Edith Keeler must die…"

_(((The implied question is, of course, 'Will you let her die?' But he doesn't have to say it out loud.)))_

We don't get a verbal answer from Kirk, he merely looks really, really grim about the notion.

Back from commercial, and we see a random lonely alley. McCoy appears! In no time flat he's screaming at the top of his lungs and chasing a poor homeless dude down the street.

Cut to Kirk and Edith and they get to her room, talking about the future. It looks like he's gonna lean in for a kiss, but as it looks like he's hesitating it cuts to McCoy catching up to the homeless dude and unleashing a tidal wave o' crazy until he passes out.

_(((Gotta hand it to Kelley, though, he really went for it.)))_

Cut to Kirk getting back to the room. He urges Spock to get the thing working again, Spock says it'll take two days, Kirk really wants to know what he has to do, etc etc.

Cut to morning, where McCoy is now wandering around the streets. He doesn't seem as insane, he just looks damn tired and pale as all hell. He shuffles into Edith's mission and, being the bleeding heart that she is, instantly whisks McCoy to a cot in the back so he can lie down. After they're gone Spock shows up and starts pouring coffee for the guys. Drat, just missed him.

Cut to Spock working on the machine, and Kirk sitting very close by and looking over his shoulder. Spock gets it working, and tells Kirk that because Edith encourages a pacifist movement, the Germans create the A-Bomb first and conquer the world.

Spock: "And all this because McCoy came back and somehow kept her from dying in a street accident as she was meant to. We must stop him, Jim."

_(((There's that 'Jim' again.)))_

Kirk gets up and asks exactly when she dies.

Spock: "I can estimate general happenings from these images, but I can't trace down precise actions at exact moments, captain. I'm sorry."

_(((Again, we have a 'Jim' to 'captain' contrast._

_Also, this is the second time in all of season one that Spock _apologizes_ to Kirk for something. And actually, he didn't even get out the full words in _Corbomite Maneuver_ when he had no idea what to do.)))_

Kirk: "Spock, I believe I'm in love with Edith Keeler."

Spock: "Jim, Edith Keeler must die."

_(((Well then…that's a bit of a conflict, isn't it? _

_Despite the obvious, and delicious, 'Jim' implications, I think it's a touch humorous that Kirk is all "I…love…her…" and Spock is instantly, "Welp, she's got a future full of DEATH. Oops!")))_

Back from commercial, where Edith is taking care of McCoy. Now he's fully himself again, just super tired.

Edith: "I have a friend that talks about Earth the same way you do. Would you like to meet him?"

McCoy: "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."

_(((Yup, he's back to normal. XD )))_

She leaves him to rest. End of scene.

Transition to Edith heading up some stairs to her room as Kirk is about to go into his. He sees her and calls her name, then heads up the stairs to meet her. Spock comes out of the room to see Edith trip on the stairs and almost take a very nasty tumble, but Kirk is there to save her. She gives him a little kiss on the mouth to thank him.

Spock sees this, and goes back into the room.

_(((The look on his face is just heartbreaking, ugh.)))_

_(((Now, people could argue that he seems disturbed because if Kirk hadn't caught her she could've died right there and all of their problems would be over. While this is a good point, we have __**numerous **__'Spock is jealous' moments before Edith dying was even in the picture, and it all leads up to this big moment anyway, so we know that his reaction is from Kirk kissing someone else._

_I just wish they could've shown us what Spock does when he hides out in the room for a little bit.)))_

Edith leaves, and Kirk comes down the stairs. Spock reappears and points out the whole 'hey she could have died and we would've been saved right then' and once again drives the point home that if Kirk does 'what his heart tells him to do' then millions of people will die.

_(((Spock is 100% logically right, but since we know what's going on under the surface of all of this, bits like this suddenly become very interesting and drowning with dramatic irony.)))_

Cut to Edith popping in on McCoy again. McCoy asks some questions about her and the place and then she goes off to meet Kirk for a Clark Gable movie, and of course McCoy doesn't know who Clark Gable is.

Cut to Kirk and Edith out on the street. She drops Clark Gables name, Kirk doesn't know who he is, Edith comments about McCoy and Kirk is instantly "ZOMG MCCOY NO WAY" and tells her to stay put as he runs off. He meets Spock at the front of the mission just as McCoy comes out, and they all have a big excited reunion (yes, even Spock is excited).

Edith, curious as she is, starts to cross the street towards them as a car is coming. Kirk makes the smart, but brutal, decision and stops McCoy from saving her.

Thus endeth Edith's life.

McCoy: "You deliberately stopped me, Jim."

Spock is watching with a grim expression.

McCoy: "I could've saved her. Do you know what you just did."

Kirk lets go of McCoy, he's clearly hurting.

Spock: "He knows, doctor. He knows."

_(((You know that Spock hates to see Kirk in pain like this…but you also know that a tiny part of him has to be a little happy too…)))_

Kirk then takes a moment and leans up against the building, staring off into space.

_(((Bravo on this moment, Shatner. Dayum.)))_

_(((::clears throat:: I would like to point out an interesting parallel between Edith and Spock that made me squee when I realized it:_

_Both get in the way of oncoming vehicles in the same episode, to be saved/not saved by Kirk._

_Does anybody else find that incredibly _interesting_? Edith Keeler, the big 'Oooo Kirk said he loved someone' chick, and there is a distinct parallel between her and Spock. There was no other reason to have Spock just stand there earlier in the episode while Kirk had to _physically move him out of the way_._

…_Are you thinking what I'm thinking? ::twirls evil mustache::_

_Roddenberry, you sneaky little bastard.)))_

And all three of them are instantly tossed back through the Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel, where the landing party is waiting. All is as it should be, but Kirk is still disturbed, obviously.

They beam up to the Enterprise.

End of Episode!!

_(((8/16/09 EDIT: _**Sniffre** _made a verrrrry interesting (and completely brilliant) observation. Before Spock and Kirk meet Edith, they're very touchy with each other, but after they meet her? No more touchy touchy. Why would this change? If they were just friends then meeting Edith wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference how they interacted with each other. Instead, they stop touching. _

_Now before you say 'you're reading too much into it you fangirl' let me say this: I have made choices like this as both an actress and a director and I have watched choices like this be made and/or dictated by other actors and director. It's all part of the job, it's what deepens the realism of the relationship being portrayed, therefore resulting in a more authentic performance.  
_

_::big sigh:: My mind has run off again...stupid reeling bastard...::runs off:: )))  
_

* * *

**Score!**

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2

Episodes Left Until Amok Time – 5


	29. 1x29 Operation Annihilate!

**Author's Note: **O.O We're at the end of an entire season already? Oh my, how time flies. We have tons more K/S to go though, so no worries. XD

You have all been so wonderful, I really couldn't ask for better people to be commenting on this and anything I do that's K/S related. I doubted that anyone would give a crap about this thing, and now I have about five hundred people following it, and we're not even a third of the way through this bitch!

::Holds up wine glass full of cranberry/grape juice because I fucking hate wine:: Here's to another two seasons and seven movies, eh?

::Hugs everyone::

P.S. – If you keep an eye on the review section of this project, you have probably noticed a little altercation that popped up between a couple of people. The storm seems to have cleared now, and both parties have expressed their apologies and embarrassment for letting shit get serious, but I just wanted to bring up the subject here and get the following out of the way:

Everyone is not going to agree with everybody else, and just telling someone to "shut up" isn't a good way to get your point across. Besides, we all know that "shut up" leads to "screw you" leads to "fuck off" leads to all kinds of interesting things said about each others' moms, so let's just cut it out before it has a chance to get _really_ offensive, 'kay?

There, now you can all go back to being cool and groovy like you have been.

::cue The More You Know rainbow star thing::

P.P.S. – To address the anonymous person's note to me: Seeing a fight pop up worried me, of course, because it got in the way of all the love that had been flying around, but I did not take it personally in any way, shape, or form. You think a little tiff will make me re-think this project? HELL NAW.

If I was afraid of fighting, I wouldn't be working on the development of this other K/S project, but shhhhhh…I'm not giving away details about that until the next chapter.

* * *

**Season One, Episode Twenty-Nine: Operation Annihilate**

We drop in on the Enterprise as they're trying to make contact with a planet called Denova, and not really succeeding at the moment. Kirk wanders from Uhura over to Spock and McCoy where the BAMF trio discusses the spread of mass insanity throughout this section of the galaxy, and Denova seems to be next in line according to the way it's been spreading.

Sulu then tells Kirk that a Denovan ship is on a suicide run towards the sun so, you know…that's happening.

Kirk immediately has the Enterprise follow it, getting closer to the sun as well. He tries to tell the other ship to turn around and not DIE, but the little one man vessel seems dead set on getting a wicked sunburn. Just before the little ship is burned up, we hear the guy's voice come through the communication line.

Deady McBurns-A-Lot: "It's gone…I'm free!"

Once the ship is destroyed, Kirk orders for the Enterprise to turn the hell around and head back to Denova. Kirk wonders why Deady deliberately flew into the sun, McCoy suggests that maybe the insanity has already reached Denova. After Uhura voices that she's having difficulty reaching Denova, McCoy speaks up again.

McCoy: "Jim, you're brother Sam, his family…aren't they stationed on this planet?"

The look on Kirk's face as the camera quickly zooms in gives us a non-verbal "yes," but just in case you're blind the music goes particularly Greta Garbo before going to titles.

_(((Oooo, Kirk's family is in trouble. This is a captivating premise already.)))_

Back from titles, where Kirk hears from Scotty and Spock about cargo ships that made regular trips, but there hasn't been any Federation contact from Denova in over a year.

Uhura then says that she's made contact, and a woman on the other end of the line starts begging for help. Kirk instantly snaps to attention and calls her Aurelen, but contact is lost.

Uhura: "Sorry, sir."

Kirk: "I'm not interested in your excuses, lieutenant. Re-establish contact with that transmitter."

_(((While we all know how I feel about Kirk getting protective and urgent over Spock, Kirk getting this way over _anyone_ is dashing/adorable._

_Aurelen, eh? Do I smell a Dame of the Hour?)))_

Uhura responds to Kirk's snippy tone by politely, but firmly saying 'Uh, hey, _they_ killed the signal, not _me_. Gawd.'

Kirk tells her to keep trying and McCoy approaches to ask him how the heck he knows that chick. Kirk then confirms that his brother does live on Denova, and he thought the woman begging for help just now sounded like his wife.

_(((Guess that's a 'no' to the Dame of the Hour question, then.)))_

Cut to later, where Kirk is giving orders to the landing party in the transporter room. Spock joins the fun and explains that there's a bunch of people down on the surface like they expect, but it's super quiet down there.

The landing party (Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, random yeoman, random crewman) beams down to Denova and they take a look around. There's nobody walking around and it's freakishly quiet. Kirk spots his brother's workplace and they start to head over.

Then a group of men in jumpsuits come sprinting down some stairs with blunt objects and head straight for Kirk and company until they're forced to use phasers.

_(((The blunt objects = clear plastic looking cylinders._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk and Spock talk about how weird it was that the mob was yelling shit that made them sound concerned for the landing party's safety, but they were clearly about to open a can of whup ass.

McCoy is all, 'So they're unconscious and shit but they're brains are like totally freaking out from violent stimulations…and shit.'

Then a woman screams! GASP!

Kirk and company make a mad dash into the building the scream came from to find a woman flipping the hell out and a couple of bodies on the ground. Kirk takes one look at the chick and hugs her to him.

_(((Whoa there, Mr. Infamous Playboy, the chick is having a panic attack. Now is not the time to cop a feel, dude. Sheesh.)))_

McCoy gives her a hypo full of Calm the Fuck Down and Kirk puts her in a chair and calls her Aurelen.

_(((Oooohhhh, it's his brother's wife. Never mind on the 'playboy' thing then. ::cough:: )))_

McCoy asks if Random Adult Body #1 is Kirk's brother, and Captain Sexy Pants has a look at the body himself.

Kirk: "Oh…Sam…it _is_ my brother…was my brother."

_(((Why haven't we developed the technology that enables us to hug characters through television screens? Fuck global warming, I wanna see someone solve _that_ crisis. Srsly.)))_

McCoy: "I'm sorry, Jim. The boy is unconscious, but he's still alive."

Kirk kneels next to the red headed kid and calls him Peter. McCoy wants to get Peter and Aurelen up to the Enterprise as soon as possible, for obvious reasons, and Kirk has him get ready to beam up.

Kirk stands and leans against a nearby wall as he deals with what's happening.

Spock enters the room from around the corner and approaches him. At first, Spock doesn't say anything, he simply looks at Kirk with a sympathetic expression.

_(((For someone who gloats about being able to control his emotions, Spock sure does show them a lot. That one look is full of so much concern it's almost ridiculous. He obviously wants to do something to try and make Kirk feel better, and that's just fucking precious.)))_

Kirk doesn't look him in the eye, but he does move his head in a way that acknowledges Spock's presence.

Spock: "Captain…I understand how you-"

Kirk: "Yes…yes, Mr. Spock."

_(((GUH WHAT HUH???!?!?! Spock was about to say 'FEEL!' He was about to admit to knowing how Kirk FELT._

_**FELT.**_

_But noooo, Kirk had to interrupt him. ::shakes fist::_

_That's pretty darn huge, wouldn't you say? Spock doesn't just up and say shit like that. In fact, when has he EVER offered up something like that when he was in his right mind? Up until now, that answer has been "freakin' never," but Kirk has a reason to grieve and all of the sudden Spock is all "My FEELINGS, let me RELATE TO YOU with them.")))_

_(((Also, I'd like to point out the incredibly different ways that McCoy and Spock offer their condolences to Kirk. _

_******Disclaimer: **__I am not, in _any_ way, about to suggest that McCoy doesn't give as much of a damn about Kirk as Spock does. I am merely about to point out the different ways with which they go about expressing said care. __**End Disclaimer******_

_As McCoy watches Kirk accept the fact that his Sam is dead, we can tell that he understands the weight of what has just happened. He then offers a simple, appropriate 'I'm sorry.' We know he means it and we know he truly sympathizes, it's just the kind of way we would expect a friend to react. He also knows that, as grim as it is, there's still other business to be done._

_Spock, on the other hand, behaves much differently. He makes a beeline for Kirk, gives him a look of pure empathy, then tries to offer his consolation by attempting to relate to Kirk's __**emotions**__, which is a HUGE deal for Spock. Something awful happens to Kirk and boom, Spock is ready to let a huge barrier down if it means that Kirk might feel better._

_This, of course, makes it that much more gut crunching when Kirk cuts him off to force the topic back to business. Whereas McCoy knew that the task at hand was ultimately more crucial, Spock had to be _reminded_. Funny, you'd think it would be the other way around, what with Spock being so "logical" and everything._

_We all get why Kirk just wants to carry on right now, but I have to admit that every time he cuts Spock off I scream in my head, "SHUT UP AND LET HIM TALK ABOUT FEELINGS GODDAMNIT!!!"))) _

_(((So if McCoy acts like the best friend that he is, then what does Spock act like? _

……………………………

_I think I'll let your reeling mind answer that one on its own.)))_

Since Kirk insists on being an officer right now, Spock offers up the credible theory that the people were trying to keep something out. Kirk says that no harmful life forms were reported on this planet. Spock says that he doesn't quite get it either.

McCoy pops up to say that he wants Kirk in sick bay when Aurelen comes to, and Kirk leaves Spock in charge of the landing party.

Transition to later on in sick bay. McCoy tells Kirk that both Peter and Aurelen are experiencing extreme pain but they're both heavily sedated. Despite this, Aurelen still seems to be conscious, the tranquilizer wasn't as effective on her. Since she can talk, Kirk goes to her side.

He tells her that Sam is dead but Peter's alive, and takes her hand in the process.

_(((That makes it sound like he's being insensitive, but that's far from the case.)))_

Kirk: "You have to tell us what happened, Aurelen, to you and the others."

_(((He's being as sensitive as he possibly can, given the situation.)))_

Aurelen, clearly in great pain, tries to speak through it. She's all "Uuuughhhh painnn things came like eight months ago guhhhh more painnnn they came in a visitor's vessel from another planet AHHH agonyyyyyy but it wasn't their fault 'cause the things made them fly there AHHHHHHHH!!!"

Then she _really_ starts screaming, and McCoy has to give her another dose of tranquilizer.

_(((Her screams are actually pretty convincing…)))_

McCoy comments that it looks like something is being a dick and giving her pain to try and keep her from speaking. Aurelen goes on about the things controlling them and forcing them to build ships and oh crap she's screaming again no wait now she's dead.

Kirk looks down at Aurelen and, still holding her hand, has a moment to himself.

_(((He is definitely fighting back a wave of emotion. It's a beautiful moment, very well done by Shatner. The big bad BAMF captain also has a heart._

_What's that you say? Character depth? But I thought this was just some silly 60s sci-fi show with dogs in alien costumes and what not? _

_Oh, I'm absolutely fucking mistaken?_

_Well then._

…………………………

_I'll shut up.)))_

Kirk stands up and McCoy assures him that he'll do whatever he can for Peter.

Cut to Kirk beaming back down to the planet. Spock and the landing party are waiting for him. Spock reports that all is quiet. Kirk is like, "Hey so uh you seen any crazy aliens or anything? No reason, just curious about aliens…biiiiiig alien fan over here."

Spock says no but hey they were about to track down this weird noise that came from somewhere over there.

Kirk, Spock, Scotty, the random yeoman, and the random crewman all go off to find the Creature du Jour.

Transition to everyone entering a room with a small staircase that's…indoors? Outdoors? A courtyard, I think. Well it doesn't really matter because there's a weird sound coming from somewhere. The camera backs up to reveal a bunch of things on some kind of overhang. They can only be described as the Over Easy Eggs From Hell.

Kirk spots them and alerts Spock, and then the things start getting yanked around on strings- I mean they start flying around everywhere. Kirk fires at one of them for a while and it falls down to the ground with a good ol' plastic plop.

They all get closer to have a look at it and Spock takes a quick reading with the tricorder.

Spock: "Incredible. Not only should it have been destroyed by our phasers, it does not even register on my tricorder."

Random Yeoman: "Captain, it doesn't even look real."

_(((Oh how right you are, honey.)))_

Spock says that it's not life as they know it, and that they should risk taking it aboard.

Kirk: "It's too close in here, it may be a trap. Let's move out."

_(((…so that's a "no" to the "let's take it aboard" thing then, eh?)))_

They all quickly head towards the exit, and manage to get halfway up the stairs before the Over Easy Egg From Hell that they were studying flies across the room and lands…on Spock's back! OCTOLIEBE!!!

Spock falls to the ground in pain and Kirk kneels by his side and has to work for a second to pull the damn thing off of Spock's back. Then Kirk frantically turns Spock over and we get a nice shot of him holding a very alarmed Spock.

Commercial.

_(((Kirk holding Spock in his arms is one damn fine way to go to commercial, if you ask me.)))_

Back from commercial where we see Spock on his stomach in sick bay as McCoy and Chapel try to figure out what the fuck is going on. McCoy gives the order to prepare to close him up, and Chapel protests until McCoy says "LOOK BITCH, I IZ TEH DOKTUR AND TEH DOKTUR SEZ WE CLOZE NAO, KTHX."

Transition to McCoy arriving on the bridge with a container full of a clear liquid and some white things. Kirk looks up from the report he was signing and sees what McCoy's holding.

Kirk: "How is he?"

McCoy: "To be very frank, Jim, I don't know if I can do anything for Spock or your nephew."

_(((Because McCoy says Spock's name first in his line, it suggests that McCoy knew that Kirk was talking about Spock specifically. Given the situation, it's natural that Kirk would ask about Spock first because Spock was just attacked, while we all already know what's going down with Peter._

_However, this is not the last time that Spock will come before Peter in this way, which is why I'm mentioning it.)))_

McCoy describes the white things as living tissue that he pulled from both Spock and Aurelan's body. Apparently Spock's body is full of them, and they're tangling themselves all up in his nervous system.

Kirk: "My nephew?"

_(((Proof that, when Kirk asked 'How is he?" that he meant Spock. Again, it was only natural, I'm just pointing it out for future reference.)))_

McCoy says that Peter is still in the same condition, and goes on to identify the small white things as 'stingers' of a sort and, yes, they are way too good and snug in both Spock and Peter's bodies to be removed via surgery. Kirk asks for recommendations, but McCoy says that everyone seems to be stumped by the darn things.

Cut to Spock in sick bay, writhing in pain and saying "No." He's clearly trying to control himself. He sits up and leaves sick bay despite Chapel's pleading, but it's clear that he's being controlled by something. Chapel alerts Kirk and Kirk alerts the ship. Spock pops into the bridge then and tries to single handedly take over the ship. It takes Kirk plus Sulu plus two random crewman (who magically turn into stunt doubles every now and then) to hold him down while McCoy gives Spock a hypo full of Nap Time.

Cut to later on in sick bay, where McCoy and Kirk are standing over a still-sedated Spock who is now strapped down to the bed.

_(((It takes four men to get the best of him, so they tie him to the bed with a few straps. Why, it's fool proof!!)))_

McCoy points out the little arrow on the overhead display that tells how much pain Spock is in, and the sucker is all the way up in the red. Spock is gasping with pain, and Kirk is watching him with his hands behind his back.

_(((The look of concern on Kirk's face is criminally adorable.)))_

Spock struggles for a little longer, then calms down and open his eyes.

Spock: "Dr. McCoy…captain."

Kirk: "Spock."

Spock: "These restraints will no longer be necessary, nor will your sedatives, doctor."

_(((O RLY, Spock? You're cool now? You just needed a bit o' exercise then?)))_

Spock: "I'll be able to return to duty. I apologize for my weakness earlier, when I tried to take control of the ship. I simply did not understand."

McCoy: "What is there to understand, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "I'm a Vulcan, doctor."

_(((SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU'RE A VULCAN?!?!?!)))_

Spock: "Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled."

Kirk: "You're only half Vulcan. What about the human half of you?"

_(((Hm, Kirk is the one to bring up Spock's human half…again. Fascinating.)))_

Spock: "It is proving to be an inconvenience, but it is manageable."

_(((Get a load of the little grin on Kirk during this line, eh? Even in a situation as dire as this, hearing Spock be all Spock-like still tickles him._

_Also, grinning-while-still-completely-worried is absolutely delicious to watch._

…_Just thought I'd throw that out there.))) _

Spock: "And the creature, with all its thousands of parts, even now is pressuring me."

Kirk's eyes immediately dart to the overhead display to check the pain gauge thingy, which is up as high as it can go.

_(((And when I say 'immediately dart,' I'm not exaggerating._

_I know, it made me grin a little too.)))_

Spock says that "it" wants the ship, but he's resisting. Kirk asks McCoy if Spock could really keep the thing in check and McCoy has no idea if he could maintain that kind of control for very long.

Spock: "I have my own will, captain. Let me help."

_(((Some anonymous person pointed this out, and whoever did PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get an account so I can smother you with adoring kisses. I seriously CAN NOT BELIEVE that I missed this._

_"LET ME HELP."_

_LET ME MOTHERFUCKING HELP._

_Does this sound familiar? Here, this should jog your slashy memory:_

_-The following is an excerpt from The City on the Edge of Forever-_

_Kirk: "Let me help…a hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He'll recommend those three words, even over 'I love you.'"_

_-End excerpt-_

_There is no way on this planet that this is a coincidence. NO. FUCKING. WAY. In one episode, Kirk talks about a classic novel that recommends 'let me help' over 'I love you' and the next goddamn episode SPOCK SAYS 'LET ME HELP' DIRECTLY TO KIRK._

_HOW THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK OF ALL THAT IS FUCK IS KIRK AND SPOCK NOT FUCKING REGARDED AS FUCKING CANON?!?!?!_

_::cough sputter wheeze::_

_When I got that little comment from whoever that person was, I just about flipped my shit. My mind didn't just reel, it DIED. Seriously now people, **nobody can argue with that. **I don't care who you are, this is so goddamn OBVIOUS it doesn't punch you in the face, it doesn't chainsaw you in half, it fucking EATS YOU ALIVE, but it does so INTELLIGENTLY so you stay ALIVE for as LONG AS POSSIBLE to feel the EXCRUCIATING PAIN.  
_

_**WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?!**_

_Okay...okay I'm done...whoa.........WHOA.....)))  
_

Kirk: "I need you, Spock."

_(((Good GAWD it is so nice to hear Kirk say that._

_You know…again. XD_

_But this time the implication that he means it in an official sense is fairly clear._

…_still, though…it makes me smile, what with how he kind of blurts it and everything.)))_

Kirk: "But we can't take any chances."

Kirk's tone softens a little.

_(((No really, you can hear it for yourself. The change happens on the fly, but it's still there.)))_

Kirk: "We'll keep you confined for a while longer. If you can…maintain control…we'll see."

_(((During that last line, it's clear that it's getting a bit difficult for Kirk to speak. The "We'll see" is even said while Kirk suddenly turns to leave, like he can't take it anymore._

……………………

………………

_I KNOW, RIGHT??)))_

Kirk starts to leave, and McCoy starts to follow him. Spock groans in pain and Kirk snaps around. He's even accompanied by a melodramatic spike in the music.

_(((This show is seriously trying to kill me with adorable dramatic goodness._

………………

_It's working.)))_

Now Kirk's expression is REALLY pained.

_(((And I REALLY want to hug him.)))_

Kirk asks McCoy if Peter will go through the same thing if he wakes up, and McCoy says yes with his head bowed.

Kirk: "Help them. I don't care what it takes or costs. You've got to help them."

McCoy: "Jim, aren't you forgetting something? There are over a million colonists on that planet down there, just as much you're responsibility. They need your help too."

_(((Did…did McCoy just have to _remind_ Kirk that he's the captain?_

…_whoa…)))_

McCoy leaves. Spock is still in pain.

Kirk looks down, fights back the urge to look over at Spock, then quickly makes an exit.

_(((This is one of my favorite moments of the episode, and it's only abut six seconds long. The internal life and conflict of Kirk is ringing loud and clear. He's visibly torn by the urge to help Spock and Peter and his duties to the people of Denova. _

_And the way he almost looks over at Spock, but fights it back and has to flee the room? PRICELESS.)))_

Spock lays in bed and struggles to get himself in check and will the pain away. He succeeds, and breaks out of the seat belts- I mean restraints that hold him down with relative ease.

Cut to Spock (now back in uniform, yay!) entering the transporter room. Scotty and a random crewman are hangin' out, and Scotty won't let him beam down to the planet. One minor struggle later and Scotty has a phaser trained on Spock as he calls for Kirk.

The next thing you know Spock, McCoy and security are joining the fun.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, I gave you an order to stay in the sick bay."

_(((Oh look at you acting all Captain Sexy Pants when other people are around. Too bad we all know how worried you are underneath. XD )))_

Spock: "Until the pain was gone, captain. It has been discontinued by me."

Scotty then explains what happened for Kirk and those in the audience who may have gotten up for a snack during the last scene. Then:

Spock: "One of the creatures will have to be captured and analyzed, captain. We did not have a clear opportunity to do so earlier when I was attacked. Since my nervous system was already affected, as you pointed out doctor, I don't believe they can do much more to me."

_(((Well the Vulcan's got a point there. Damn logic. ::shakes fist:: )))_

McCoy: "Jim, this is ridiculous. I don't want my patients running around, he should be in bed."

Spock: "I am in complete control of myself, doctor."

_(((I just tried to overpower two fellow crewmembers and blatantly defy your direct orders, but other than that I'm totally cool.)))_

Spock: "The fact that I am here proves that I do not belong in bed."

_(((In Kirk News: He's had a small grin on his face for a while now. Hm…)))_

_(((Well, both sides have voiced their opinions. McCoy says "Get the hobgoblin in bed" and Spock says "Lemme go save the day."_

_Both sides have perfectly legitimate arguments._

_I wonder who Kirk will side with.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…you're logic, as usual…"

_(((Ooo, there's another twitch of a grin from ol' Kirk when he brings up Spock's logic.)))_

Kirk: "…is inescapable."

_(((Kudos to Nimoy for throwing in a little twitch from having to constantly control pain. It's not the only time he does it, and it's a brilliant little detail. Yay good actors.)))_

Kirk: "Beam him down. Stay in constant touch with us. Give him your phaser, he'll need that too."

_(((So Kirk takes Spock's side, even over McCoy's._

_Hm…)))_

Spock: "Thank you, captain."

Kirk gives him an I'm-trusting-you-with-a-lot-right-now-so-don't-let-me-down-even-though-I-know-you-won't little nod and Spock beams down.

Kirk and McCoy are the first to leave the transporter room.

McCoy: "Jim, that man is sick and don't give me any damnable logic about him being the only man for the job."

Kirk: "I don't have to, Bones, we both know he is."

_(((Kirk does have a point. Like Spock said, he's the only one that's been attacked so he's the only one who could get close to the Over Easy Eggs From Hell without risk. Spock and Kirk get that, but McCoy is still not convinced, obviously. Once again, Spock and Kirk are on the same wavelength.)))_

Transition to Spock down on the planet. A man in an orange jumpsuit with an oversized lynch pin and murder on his mind waits for Spock to pass by a pillar before he comes out swinging. After a quick Vulcan Nerve Pinch, though, Mr. Crazy is down for the count.

Spock is then struck by some particularly overwhelming pain then, and he has to take a second to get himself back in control. He goes back to where he was attacked by the Over Easy Eggs From Hell and snags one to take back to the ship.

_(((Kudos to the prop guy for getting those things to move like they're breathing…or something.)))_

Transition to a lab on the Enterprise, where Spock has the OEEFH in a machine…thing…of some sort. Kirk and McCoy come in. McCoy immediately starts checking Spock's vitals, and Spock is all 'Thanks, but no thanks. BAMFs don't need doctors.' To which McCoy says 'Just 'cause you're hiding the pain doesn't mean it's not there. DUH.'

Spock turns on the machine with the OEEFH in it, and it does all sorts of interesting scientific things.

_(((And by "interesting scientific things" I mean "absolutely nothing."_

_Yay 60s.)))_

After the OEEFH squeaks a little, Spock states that it appears to be a cingle cell organism that seems to be a brain cell. Kirk takes it from there, deducing that it could be part of a larger organism, and then Spock says that even though it's not physically connected, it's still part of the whole creature.

_(((Spock twitches during his last little bit of exposition. I fucking love Nimoy.)))_

Kirk then reasons out the rest, that it exists so differently from anything else that it could have come from an entirely different galaxy, and Spock reasons that since it abides by different laws it could be difficult to destroy.

_(((Spock and Kirk reason this all out together, while McCoy stays silent. This is the second time in this episode where we see them on the same wavelength.)))_

Kirk then demands an analysis from the medical and life science departments, then leaves. McCoy busts out the thing that takes life signs _(((I know it has a name, I just can't think of it at the moment…its gonna bug me now))) _and Spock has to shoot him a 'You're not seriously gonna try that again are you" look before McCoy gives up and leaves.

Aaaaand, cut to later. Now it's McCoy and Chapel in the lab looking at the OEEFH. Kirk enters.

McCoy: "I'm sorry, captain, I tried everything I can. Radiation, intense heat, even as great as 9,000 degrees-"

Kirk: "Then you're wasting your time. There has to be something that will kill the creature without destroying the human host."

McCoy: "Which happens to be my point: The thing won't die, even at temperatures and radiation which would burn Spock and your nephew to ashes."

_(((Have you tried stabbing it with a sharp object? It looks pretty flimsy._

_Just sayin'.)))_

Kirk: "I can't accept that, Bones. We've got fourteen science labs aboard this ship, the finest equipment and computers in the galaxy."

McCoy: "Captain…I understand your concern…your affection for Spock…the fact that your nephew is the last survivor of your brothers family-"

_(((Okay…breathe…I know you want to have a heart attack, but let's go through this one step at a time. _

_After Kirk goes on his mini we-have-the-best-shit-in-the-universe rant, McCoy stands up quickly and says 'Captain' but then we plainly see him change tactics. He slows down, he knows that he's about to bring up something serious. _

_His delivery of the line "I understand your concern, you're affection for Spock" is so goddamn telling I can barely see straight. Look at this expression, he knows __**exactly**__ what he's talking about. I'll say that again: He KNOWS. Oh, the drama. I love it._

_Look at the line itself. He doesn't say "friendship" or anything of the like, he says "affection." __**Affection.**__ It's criminally ambiguous. Think about that for a second…yeah._

_McCoy just brought up Kirk's feelings for Spock. Right there. Right in front of you. _

_Octo-fucking-liebe._

_And let's not forget Kirk in all of this. When McCoy says 'affection,' Kirk turns his head…he knows what McCoy is talking about. _

……

_Now if you'll excuse me a moment, I squeed all over the place a few moments ago and made quite the mess._

_My mind is fine, though. I nailed it to the wall before I started this episode's commentary. It's chillin'.)))_

Kirk: "No, no Bones. There's more than two lives at stake here."

_(((He's already waving off McCoy before the good ol' country doctor has a chance to officially mention Peter, which means his initial response was to the comment about Spock. Kirk is in Captain Mode, however, so he's thinking about the many instead of the few…right now, anyway._

_Damnit, McCoy finally brings it up and Kirk isn't in the right frame of mind. Frustrating, thy name is Star Trek._

_Then again, the other alternative involves actually _discussing_ shit, and something tells me that the censors would have all had coronaries if that had happened.)))_

Back from commercial, where the trio plus the random yeoman are in a briefing room trying to figure exactly what the hell to do. Long story short: Spock suggests that they kill everyone on Denova because it'll stop the spread of the OEEFH, McCoy doesn't want to but offers no alternative, and Kirk doesn't like either option A or B and demands that they come up with an option C.

Transition to later, in Kirk's quarters. Spock and McCoy enter to report that they just couldn't figure it out and Spock requests to beam down to the planet with Peter. Kirk denies the request, Spock explains himself a bit, and Kirk still says no.

_(((In Spock-Has-A-Cute-Disappointed-Expression News: Spock's reaction to being shot down a second time is particularly 'awwwww' inducing.)))_

Kirk then starts musing aloud about what the hell the sun did to kill the OEEFH.

Kirk: "What other qualities or properties does the sun have?"

Spock: "It exists physically, it occupies space."

_(((It exists? NO. WAY._

………

_Okay okay, so I know why Spock is answering like that, but it's still funny to hear Kirk ask for other properties and hear Spock come back with "It's THERE.")))_

Kirk then plays with a little light thing that he's near and it hits him. Light! The sun is like uber fantastically bright!

_(((My my my, Captain Sexy Pants, not just a big bag of handsome after all.)))_

Spock says that might actually work and hey, they could position satellites around the planet to 'bring the sun to Denova.' Kirk then sends out the boys to prepare a test for the theory.

Transition to the lab, where the test is ready. They all put on they're adorable little protective goggles and McCoy flips the switch. The OEEFH inside the testing room doesn't seem to react very much. McCoy flips the switch again and they all go to the doorway to have a look at the results.

_(((In Holy-Frontal-Contact-Batman News: Since the door is a little small, Kirk has to get nice and cozy up against Spock for a second. I'm talkin' contact from chest to thigh, people. Sure, it's perfectly natural and nobody could honestly call that slashy…but…_

…………………

…_God bless small doorways.)))_

Well hey now, the OEEFH is dead!

McCoy: "It worked!"

Spock goes off somewhere else for a bit. Kirk steps away, wringing his hands.

McCoy: "What's the matter, Jim? We can do it!"

Kirk: "It worked in a lab with the creature exposed to everything we can give it, but what about the people who are infected?"

McCoy: "I don't know, maybe trial-"

Kirk: "Maybe, there's no time for maybes, Bones. We need to know now."

McCoy: "We'd have to put…"

Kirk: "Yes, we have to put someone who's infected under that light."

_(((Yup, Kirk took no time to celebrate that the OEEFH was killed because he knows what the next step has to be. This means that the hand wringing and grim concern were all because he knows that Spock has to risk his life for a test.)))_

McCoy: "Do you have any idea of the risk?"

Kirk is silent for a moment.

_(((The look that he's had on his face for the past few seconds plainly says that he sure as SHIT knows the risk.)))_

Kirk: "We have to duplicate the conditions on the planet…and…Spock…"

_(((Oh. Mah. Gawd. The look of pure worry and borderline PANIC that comes over Kirk's face during "and…Spock…" punches me in the face every time. Kirk's breathing even gets a little shallow…it's just so…so…I don't even think there's a word for it. Heart-wrenching? Close enough.)))_

Spock walks up then and Kirk instantly snaps out of Overt Worry Mode and shoves it all back inside.

_(((Damnit, Star Trek, you TEASE.)))_

Spock: "Captain, we'll need a host for the next step in the test…"

Spock twitches slightly.

_(((Seriously, Nimoy…I'm gonna figure out how to bottle you.)))_

Spock: "…to determine whether the creature can be driven from the body. I am the logical choice."

_(((What's this now? It's like Spock and Kirk were reading each other's minds. You know, _again_.)))_

McCoy: "Do you know what one million candlelight per square inch can do to your optic nerves?"

Kirk: "There's no other way, Bones. We have to duplicate the brilliance that existed at the moment the Denovan declared himself free."

_(((Spock has twitched again while Kirk was speaking…I can't get enough of it.)))_

McCoy: "All right, I'll rig up a protective par of goggles."

Spock: "There'll be none on the planet surface, doctor."

Kirk: "I agree completely."

McCoy: "Unfortunately, you're both right. It's the only thing we can do."

_(((So for the third time in just this episode alone we've seen Kirk and Spock be on the same page, paragraph and sentence, even when no one else gets it…not even McCoy. These two are so in synch they could start a boyband.)))_

McCoy gives Spock the go ahead, Spock takes one last look at Kirk, then goes into the testing room.

_(((No kidding about that 'one last look.' _

_Mmph.)))_

Spock sits and waits for the test begin, and goddamn if he doesn't look just a touch scared. He also twitches.

Kirk and McCoy stand ready at the console. Kirk seems a little lost in thought for a split second, then he looks up and snaps out of it with a slightly renewed sense of "this is what we have to do."

McCoy hands Kirk the goggles.

McCoy: "He's the best first officer in the fleet."

_(((Bullshit, McCoy, you know how much Kirk gives a damn, and you know you give a damn too. I'm not buying the "omg he's liek a rly gud offisir him no dai nao plz?" excuse for a second.)))_

Kirk: "Proceed."

McCoy flips the switch for a few seconds, then turns it off. They open the testing room, where Spock gets up and goes to the doorway, declaring that he's free of the creature and the pain.

Spock walks forward, bumps into the table, and is instantly shocked and frightened.

_(((And I do mean frightened. For a split second, he's completely mortified.)))_

Spock: "I am also…quite blind."

Kirk steps up behind Spock and gently holds him by the shoulders.

_(((And the resulting squees from the K/S fangirls reach such dizzying heights that the neighborhood dogs start barking.)))_

Spock: "An equitable trade, doctor. Thank you."

Spock starts to feel his way to his seat, and when Kirk goes to usher him into one, McCoy pulls him back.

_(((This is not the only time that McCoy tries/has to keep Kirk from touching Spock. I'm by no means implying any jealousy on McCoy's part, the circumstances surrounding each incident clearly make that not the case. Here, McCoy's intention is clearly "Let him do it for himself."_

_Aw, but Kirk just wanted to make sure Spock sat down okay. _

…………………

_GUHHH I can't take all this cuteness, DAMNIT!!!!!!)))_

Chapel comes in with the first test results from the OEEFH's remains, but she stops talking when she realizes how much Serious is going on in the room. She hands the report to McCoy and leaves.

McCoy looks at the report.

McCoy: "Oh no…"

Kirk: "What is it?"

_(((The look on Kirk's face when he says this is made of Worry, Oh My God What Now, and Don't Tell Me That It's Even Worse._

_So. Fucking. Adorable.)))_

McCoy: "Threw the total spectrum of light at the creature…it wasn't necessary. I didn't stop to think that only one kind of light might have killed it."

Spock: "Interesting. Just as dogs are sensitive to certain sounds which humans cannot hear, these creatures, evidently, are sensitive to light which we cannot see."

Kirk: "Are you telling me that Spock need not have been blinded?"

_(((Uh oh, Kirk is not a happy camper.)))_

McCoy: "I didn't need to throw the blinding white light at all, Jim. Spock I-"

Spock: "Doctor, it was my selection as well. It is done."

_(((If you're trying to convince us that you're totally unaffected about losing your vision, you're not doing a very good job there, Spock.)))_

Kirk: "…Bones."

_(((Whoa...Kirk is most definitely not happy with McCoy right now, even though Spock has made it clear that it's his fault too. Interesting.)))_

Kirk then looks more than a bit overwhelmed, almost beginning to shake his head.

Kirk: "Take care of him."

Kirk leaves.

_(((This guy has done more "leaving the room when I get too emotional" this episode than I know what to do with._

_I'm not about to complain though. XD )))_

Kirk's now on the bridge, where operation Blind the Fuck out of the Over Easy Eggs From Hell is about to commence. They put it into action and, what do you know, all of the OEEFH on the planet die a slow dissolving death! Huzzah!!

Well now that the pesky plot is out of the way, we can get back to the dramatic goodness.

Kirk contacts McCoy from the bridge.

Kirk: "Sick bay."

McCoy: "McCoy here."

Kirk: "Tell Spock…it worked."

_(((Oh how I wish I could say that the 'Tell Spock' was the beginning of something unbearably slashy, but I can't. The pause is just a natural pause. Well, natural for Kirk anyway.)))_

McCoy: "Yes, captain. He'll be happy to hear that."

Kirk: "…Bones…it wasn't your fault. Bones…Bones?"

_(((AWWWW, McCoy is totally blaming himself. Poor ol' country doctor, he needs a hug too.)))_

And transition to later. Kirk is dictating a report to the random yeoman when Spock and McCoy stroll onto the bridge.

Random Yeoman: "Look, captain, Mr. Spock!"

Kirk looks over and sees Spock walking as if he's totally fine.

Kirk: "Spock…"

Kirk walks over to him.

Kirk: "You can see."

_(((Oooo, I see a little smile there, cap'n.)))_

Spock is looking like he's in a pretty damn good mood.

McCoy: "The blindness was temporary, Jim. There's something about his optical nerves which aren't the same as a human's."

Spock: "An hereditary trait, captain. The brightness of the Vulcan sun has caused the development of an inner eye lid which acts as a shield against high intensity light. Totally instinctive, doctor. We tend to ignore it as you ignore your own appendix."

Spock then gives the boys an absolutely squeal-inducing nod of the head/eyebrow combo before walking off.

Kirk looks at McCoy, then strolls on over to Spock.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…regaining eyesight would be an emotional experience for most. You, I presume, felt nothing?"

_(((Well that took about .4 seconds for Kirk to start teasing Spock about emotions. These guys and they're quick-but-still-amazing reunions, let me tell ya…)))_

Spock: "On the contrary, I had a very strong reaction. My first sight was the face of doctor McCoy bending over me."

_((((Bahahah, ba-ZING, Spock.)))_

McCoy: "'Tis a pity brief blindness did not increase your appreciation for beauty, Mr. Spock."

Spock arches a sort of 'hmph' eyebrow.

Kirk: "If you gentlemen are finished, would you mind laying in a course for Star Base 10, Mr. Spock?"

_(((Okay now Kirk, you were the one who started the teasing business in the first place, but now that Spock isn't teasing you back specifically you're suddenly all business?_

_Let's not make it TOO obvious now, we want to leave the people at home with at least a TINY reason to keep guessing.)))_

Kirk takes his seat and McCoy stands next to him while Spock sits at his console and gets to work.

McCoy: "Unusual eye arrangement. I might have known he'd turn up with something like that."

Kirk: "What's that?"

McCoy: "I said 'Please don't tell Spock that I said he was the best first officer in the fleet.'"

Spock turns around in his chair.

Spock: "Why thank you, doctor McCoy."

Spock then gives them both a smartass raise-of-both-eyebrows.

_(((Dr. Leonard McCoy, you have been SPOWNED.)))_

Kirk: "You've been so concerned about his Vulcan eyes, doctor, you forgot about his Vulcan ears. Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu."

McCoy glares at Spock, who simply turns back around with an innocent yet deliciously NOT innocent expression.

_(((Spock, you snarky bastard._

_Spock – 1, McCoy – 0.)))_

_(((Now, I can see how a Spock/McCoy shipper could look at this scene and just about die because you could say that we learn McCoy is interested in Spock as easily as you could say we learn that he likes him as a friend. You could also say that the 'strong reaction' Spock had to McCoy's face was a positive one and he was hiding behind a joke. _

_When you look at the entire series plus the movies, though, this is basically the only moment of Spock/McCoy that could have a strong slashy meaning and, when compared with the abundance of Kirk/Spock in both the show and extra tidbits (like t'hy'la and such), I'm inclined to conclude that the innocent/friendship explanation to this scene is the one that was intended because it's consistent with the rest of the show's happenings.)))_

We see McCoy still glaring, while Kirk smiles to himself.

_(((And for the 839434535__th__ time, Spock simply tickles Kirk. ::sigh:: )))_

_(((Okay, can I say something about the whole 'Peter' thing? Well you're reading my commentary so I'm gonna assume that I can._

_Peter never gets a line, we never find out what happens to him after he's cured, he's just "the nephew." Why is he even there? Why couldn't Sam and Aurelen just not have had kids? It would have made absolutely no difference, because Spock gets attacked anyway and that would create the same struggle for Kirk._

_From a writer's perspective, the Peter thing really strikes me as an after thought. It's like somebody looked at the script and said, "Nah, we can't have it look like Kirk is only worried about Spock, we need to throw in someone else."_

_Just my thoughts.)))_

_(((Also, yay for more McCoy screen time! I do love the trio, don't you?)))_

Thus Endeth SEASON ONE!!!!

* * *

**Le Score!!**

Random Crewman Body Count – 11

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 9

Times Spock is Injured – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 4

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times the transporter breaks/malfunctions – 3

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 3

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner - 2

Pointless Rolls - 2

Times a disease threatens the crew – 2

Times god-like being is featured – 2

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 2

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times immortality is found – 1

Times the Ship is taken Hostage – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 1

_(((Hm, that's interesting. There was a lot of half nekkid Kirk in the first half of season one, then he insisted on wearing clothes. It's also interesting that there were less than five plausible 'romantic interests' for Kirk in twenty nine episodes, and he was only genuinely interested in one and a half of them (the psycho daughter only gets half a point). How in the _world_ did he get the playboy reputation? It must not have gotten stuck to him until later on…for some reason.)))_


	30. 2x01 Catspaw

**Author's Note: **That's so funny, Makaria, when I watched this episode the other day I had the exact same thought about Kirk looking especially handsome. He's _always_ handsome, of course, but every now and then there's an episode where he's particularly MMPH.

And hey, get an account will ya? You say a bunch of interesting things and I have no way to directly reply. It's mean! =P

Also, **check out Lemon Drop 7's LJ**: http://anoncomment7. livejournal . com

She's amazing enough to make icons out of quotes from this project, plus a whole bunch of others, and they are positively wonderful.

P.S. – If you were one of the first to read the commentary for Operation Annihilate and you don't remember a part where I exploded all over your computer…go have another look-see. Trust me. Whoa.

_Whoa._

P.P.S. – So I've been kicking around a little idea, and I want you guys to tell me how it sounds: I'd like to start a Youtube Series where I host a sort of 'talk show' all about K/S. I'd show clips, share exciting behind the scenes info (like Shatner's blooper, t'hy'la etc) make jokes, rant, answer emails (assuming people like it and write me, of course), and generally have a good ol' slashy time. There are Star Trek podcasts and shit, but nothing for K/S, and I'd like to change that. What do you think? Should I give it a shot? (And I mean a real shot, I know the effort that would have to go into making it good quality and I am prepared to do just that.)

Drop me a line, please, let me know what you think.

Now with that out of the way, let's kick the shit out of season two. XD

* * *

**Season Two, Episode One: Catspaw**

We drop in on the bridge of the Enterprise just as Uhura is reporting that she's not picking up anything.

This worries Kirk because there hasn't been any communication from Sulu and Scotty and some random crewman since the last check in.

The good people at home wonder if they've missed the first five minutes.

Spock plays the optimist and says that they could just have nothing to report.

_(((Spock? Optimism? This is _Star Trek_ right?_

_Also, it's good to see that Kirk's sideburns made it to Season Two._

………

_What? I dig the sideburns.)))_

Then the random crewman (whose name is apparently Jackson) makes contact and says that there's one to beam up, which is a touch strange since we just heard that Scotty and Sulu were part of the landing party too. Kirk asks as much, but Jackson just repeats that he's ready to beam up.

Kirk orders for McCoy to meet him in the transporter room, and Spock follows Kirk to the turbo lift.

Kirk gets to the transporter room, McCoy enters soon after.

_(((But there's no Spock. It doesn't really matter, it just looked like he was gonna join the fun and now he's vanished. o.O )))_

Jackson beams aboard, then promptly drops dead.

_(((Best. Entrance. Ever.)))_

Kirk turns him over, McCoy takes his pulse and pronounces him dead.

Voice: "Captain Kirk."

_(((GOD?!?!)))_

A voice is coming from Jackson's open and, yes, still very _dead_ mouth.

Jackson's Mouth: "Can you hear me?"

_(((No, not really, why don't you try speaking up a bit louder? The depths of Hell are pretty far away, you know.)))_

Jackson's Mouth: "There is a curse on your ship."

_(((After hearing a voice come out of a dead guy that just beamed aboard my ship I should hope to hell that _something_ is wrong.)))_

Jackson's Mouth: "Leave this place or you will all die."

And on that cheery note, we go to titles!

_(((I know this updated theme music became the most well known in relation to TOS…but I prefer the version without the opera chick trying to shatter glass in the background. She does a great job and all, I just prefer the original version, personally._

_But hey, DeForest Kelley finally gets his name in the titles! Huzzah!!!)))_

We're back from titles to see the BAMF Trio beaming down to the planet to figure out what the crap is going on and track down Scotty and Sulu. Kirk notices quite a bit of fog, which is weird because the probe didn't tell them about any kind of fog and Spock comments that with the lack of bodies of water and the temperature, fog isn't exactly likely. Fog.

They take a look around the inexplicably foggy place, and Spock picks up some life readings ahead. Kirk checks in with the Enterprise to see if the ship's computer is picking up life signs as well.

DeSalle (the poor schmuck who gets left in charge when Kirk, Spock, Sulu, Scotty, and McCoy are all doing something else), walks over to someone at Spock's station, and that someone is Chekov!

_(((Hi, Chekov! Welcome to the party, babe. =D)))_

_(((My first guess would be that 'Chekov' is a reference to Anton Chekov, one of the greatest playwrights in history, or maybe his son Michael who invented one of the three major acting methods._

_It could just be a coincidence, but we all know that Roddenberry likes his classical references.)))_

Chekov reports that, according the ship's computers, the only life on that planet is the trio. Uhura tries to relay this to Kirk, but the line is dead.

Back on the planet, the trio keeps looking around and Spock is still picking up life forms other than themselves. Then some ghouls who are apparently in agony start making OoOooOoooOoOoOoo noises.

……………..

Wait, what?

The next thing you know, three disembodied old heads (two women and a man) in frizzy gray wigs are floating off in the distance.

_(((The 60s have been officially named "Most Awesome Decade Ever.")))_

Woman Head #1: "CaPtAin KiIiIiiRk."

Woman Head #2: ""CaPtAin KiIiIiiRk."

Man Head: ""CaPtAin KiIIIIIIIIIIIiIiiRk."

_(((Well look at that, the Man Head had vocal training before he landed this gig.)))_

_(((And wait…are they supposed to have bodies or did the visual effects guy REALLY fuck up and accidentally show us the fact that the people were wearing all black to hide their bodies when they filmed this?_

…_either scenario is perfectly likely.)))_

They warn Kirk to turn back or, you know, DIE.

And like any good set of ghouls, they vanish with some loud cackling.

Kirk: "Spock…comment?"

Spock: "Very bad poetry, captain."

_(((Try very bad EVERYTHING, Spock.)))_

Spock then suggests that what they've just seen isn't real, and then says that he's still picking up life forms over there…somewhere. They head off in that direction only to be blown back some uber powerful white wind.

_(((Poor Kirk gets his hair all windblown…it's adorable._

_Don't worry, though, it's magically fixed in about two seconds.)))_

After the terrifying wind scare, they see a castle with its doors open, which is really weird because it wasn't picked up by the ship's censors.

_(((And because it's a fucking CASTLE on an ALIEN PLANET.)))_

Being the heroes that they are, they head on inside.

_(((As they do, they use a classic comedy bit. Kirk looks back at Spock, Spock looks back at McCoy, McCoy looks back at…nothing. Heehee.)))_

The second they set foot in the castle a black cat hisses at them.

_(((Okay, who was on what when they wrote this episode? Srsly.)))_

Kirk seems to be caught off guard by the sudden hiss, and soon the cat wanders off.

McCoy: "Three witches, what appears to be a castle, and a black cat."

Kirk: "If we weren't missing two officers and a third one dead I'd say someone was playing an elaborate trick or treat on us."

Spock: "Trick or treat, captain?"

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock."

Kirk looks over at Spock.

Kirk: "You'd be a natural. I'll explain it to you one day, shall we have a look around?"

_(((::cheesy southern accent:: I do declare, Captain Sexy Pants, I've done got the vapors!)))_

_(((Thank God Spock is half Vulcan, because any regular human would have been reduced to a puddle of squee if Kirk had said "You'd be a natural" like that to them._

_Really now, the way Kirk looks him over as he says it is just knee shaking, and is that the classic Kirk Is Flirting tone I hear? _

_And check out Spock's reaction. As Kirk continues with his next line, Spock looks around and even adjusts himself awkwardly._

_Okay, so maybe he was reduced to a puddle of squee on the inside. He is half __**human**__, after all._

_I also love that we see Kirk get the idea. It's all business as usual until he turns and looks at Spock, which is the moment he realizes that this is as good a time as any to make Spock go weak in the knees._

_Oh Kirk, you're such a devious little bitch. XD)))_

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Chekov reports that he's no longer picking up the trio's life forms. Uhura chimes in to say that that's exactly how it happened with Sulu and Scotty.

DeSalle: "Mr. Chekov, recalibrate your censors. You need help?"

Chekov: "I can do it, sir. I'm not that green."

_(((He has his own personal brand of snarky BAMFness?_

……………………

_He'll fit in just fine.)))_

Back in the castle, the big entry door swings shut suddenly. They all kind of jump at the big sound, and Kirk rolls his shoulders to shake off his unease.

_(((I dare say that Kirk is a tad creeped out by all of this.)))_

They all keep walking and then the shit hits the fan. They fall through the floor to a room below and are knocked out. The next thing you know, the trio has their arms shackled in some dark, creepy dungeon. Kirk comes around first and wakes up Spock, then looks over and sees that McCoy has also woken up, and is staring at a skeleton that has its arms shackled like theirs are which is, you know…creepy.

Kirk notes that all of the weird shit they've seen so far is Earth's particular brand of weird shit. Spock doesn't know why that is, but hey this stuff is pretty darn real. McCoy wonders if this planet has a parallel development to Earth.

Kirk: "None of this parallels any human development, it's more like a human nightmare."

Spock: "As if someone knew what it was that terrifies man most on an instinctive level."

_(((Keep that in mind.)))_

Before they can think any further, someone comes into the dungeon. Well hey, it's Sulu and Scotty! Whups, they're a little vacant and non-responsive, plus Scotty is holding a phaser on them. They're obviously not themselves.

Sulu releases them all and they start to escort the trio out, but Kirk and Spock make a move to overpower them. In the literal blink of an eye, they're suddenly in a grand dining hall and some big bald dude in ridiculous robes with a big eye on the chest tells them to stop. Needless to say, the trio is a little 'Uh, do what now?'

Kirk takes a quick look around, then immediately demands for the bald dude to explain what the crap is going on. The bald dude is all, 'Well dayum, man, you're like super inquisitive, can't you just be groovy and go with flow?' But Kirk is like, 'Can't be groovy when people are dying and others are mindless zombies, dude. I'm not a politician.'

The bald dude says that Sulu and Scotty are just being controlled and calls Kirk by his name which is weird because Kirk hasn't introduced himself yet.

_(((You'd think he would have wondered about the floating heads knowing his name…but I guess one would kind of assume that the name-knowing thing isn't as weird as the no-body-serious-warning thing.)))_

The bald dude's name is Korob, and he will be your somewhat threatening villain for today. Kirk demands, again, to know what's going on, and the black cat at Korob's side gets a little hissy. When Korob reveals that "they" are not native to the planet, the cat starts rubbing on him like its insisting something, and Korob goes over to the long dining table to serve them food for some reason

While Korob is most certainly over THERE, the trio wonders about the odd black cat. Spock suggests that it could be Korob's "familiar."

McCoy: "Familiars?"

Spock: "Demons in animal form sent by Satan to serve the wizard."

Kirk: "Superstition."

Spock: "I do not create the legend, captain, I merely report it."

_(((Only Spock could make that only somewhat sarcastic line sound completely snarky without batting an eye. XD)))_

Korob then notices that Spock thinks differently from the other two.

Korob: "There are no colors to your patterns of logic, there's only black and white."

Spock seems slightly annoyed by the guy's 'observation.'

Korob: "You see all this around you, and yet you do not believe."

McCoy: "He doesn't know about trick or treat."

Both Spock and Kirk look over at McCoy.

_(((Their 'o rly?' expressions are priceless, hehehe.)))_

Korob doesn't get the reference, determines that it's therefore unimportant, and then makes a huge meal appear on the table and insist that they all sit. The trio obliges half heartedly, and Kirk asks Korob to explain what the shit is happening a.g.a.i.n. or else they won't be very cooperative.

_(((Well I mean, we sat down for you, but that's where we draw the line, mister!)))_

Korob tries to change their attitude by filling their plates with all kinds of absolutely real looking ::cough:: totally fake ::cough:: precious stones.

When it's clear that Korob won't be able to pay them to leave without questions, he starts talking about how they passed all of the tests so far, earning proper o.O expressions from the trio…and the good people at home.

Then the cat decides that this is all totally lame and leaves.

Then a woman in a flowy outfit with hair that would make even the Bride of Frankenstein say "Oh honey, _no_" enters.

_(((Gee, I WONDER, if SHE'S the CAT?)))_

Kirk stands up at the sight of her…

_(((::gasp:: A Dame of the Hour?)))_

…but he seems more 'what the HELL' than 'ZOMG A FEMALE.'

_(((Hmmm…still…let's keep the option open.)))_

Her name is Sylvia, and she'll be your real villain for today.

She strolls right on up to Kirk and starts talking about mind probing.

_(((Geez, buy a fella a drink first, lady.)))_

Sylvia: "You like to think of yourselves as complex creatures, but you're flawed."

_(((Um, yeah…that's what makes us complex.)))_

She starts talking about the many levels of the mind and the many "unguarded entrances" into their minds, when McCoy notices that the necklace around her neck is the same one the cat had.

_(((Just in case people hadn't guessed the whole Sylvia = cat thing.)))_

Sylvia keeps talking until Kirk attempts the classic Throw Gems At Mindless Scotty and Grab The Phaser gag. What do you know, it works! He immediately hands the weapon to Spock and starts to give orders. Sylvia isn't quite so intimidated. She takes out a chain with a little model of the Enterprise dangling from it. She then reveals that she killed Jackson (you know, the guy who dropped dead at the beginning then dabbled in ventriloquism until the titles started?) by creating his image in her mind and killing it.

Kirk: "You can't think a man to death."

_(((Kirk has clearly never taken an advanced Philosophy class.)))_

Sylvia makes a communicator appear and has Kirk contact the Enterprise as she waves the mini Enterprise over a candle flame. Uhura and DeSalle report that it's getting wicked hot all of the sudden. Octoliebe, Sylvia can do magic!!!

Kirk says he'll handle it, hangs up, and snatches the chain from Sylvia before taking the phaser from Spock and surrendering.

Cut to The Enterprise trying to make contact with Kirk but failing.

Cut back to the dining hall. Kirk starts to reason out that Korob and Sylvia can do things with their mind that normal people need to do with tools. Korob starts to elaborate but Sylvia shuts him up. Frankly, she's tired of this shit and insists that the trio will tell them want they want to know. Then Korob puts the mini Enterprise in a little plastic brick, therefore putting an impenetrable force field around the real Enterprise. The cavalry…they will not be coming.

Sylvia warns that if they don't comply, forcing information out of them is extremely painful. The trio is then escorted out oh no wait Sylvia has McCoy stay behind for the aforementioned extremely painful shit.

_(((McCoy even gets to do a wonderful dramatic-turn-around-with-an-arched-eyebrow move. ::giggle:: )))_

Back on the Enterprise they're kind of, you know, fuckin' STUCK. DeSalle then orders for the impulse engines to be fired up and the heat directed at the force field.

DeSalle: "Maybe we can't break it, but I'll be you credits to navy beans we can put a dent in it."

_((('A' for effort, Random Crewman Who Lucked Out and Got Lines This Episode, but you just don't have the required level of BAMF needed to make that line awesome.)))_

Back on the planet, Kirk and Spock are back in chains.

Kirk: "How long has it been?"

Spock: "Twenty two minutes, seventeen seconds."

Kirk gives him a little 'that much detail was a bit unnecessary' glance.

Kirk: "Thanks."

_(((Yay humor.)))_

Kirk: "I wonder what they're doing to Doc."

Spock: "I'm sure we'll find out shortly."

_(((Aw, there's the morbidly sarcastic Spock we all know and love. After that optimistic remark at the beginning of this thing, I was getting worried that the ol' Vulcan was going soft.)))_

Spock then realizes something.

Spock: "Jim."

_(((Oh my, there's another 'Jim.')))_

Spock: "All these things that we've seen, to an Earth man like yourself, they must seem quite familiar."

Kirk: "Familiar…startling…not rational."

Spock: "Precisely. I refer you to the psychological theory of the racial subconscious."

_(((Whoa there, Spock, don't go getting too cerebral on us. After all, you're only on a silly little 1960s sci-fi show that only exists to put dogs in costumes, right?)))_

Spock then comments that everything they've seen belongs to the twilight world of consciousness.

_(((Twilight __**used**__ to be one of my favorite words...)))_

Kirk: "They tried to tap our conscious mind…"

Spock: "And they missed."

_(((Luckily, while they have unsurpassed mental abilities, their aim BLOWS.)))_

Spock: "They reached basically only the subconscious."

They keep tossing thoughts back and forth. Kirk looks over at the skeleton.

Kirk: "They refer to us as creatures as though we were some species they were unfamiliar with. Well if we're creatures…"

Kirk does just about the cutest head tilt/eye movement thing that anyone has ever seen.

Kirk: "…I wonder what they're really like."

_(((I don't know why he does that movement…and I'm not gonna complain either because it's so oddly precious. XD)))_

Kirk arrives at the conclusion that the villains have to be stopped.

_(((NO. WAY.)))_

Sulu, Scotty and McCoy show up then, and McCoy seems to have officially joined The Emotional Range of Humphrey Bogart Club. Sulu lets Kirk loose and they all lead the cap'n to the dining hall.

Cut to Korob and Sylvia having an argument. Long story short: Sylvia loves being in a body that has sensations, Korob is obsessed with their duty to the "old ones."

Kirk arrives then, and Sylvia dismisses Korob and Sulu/Scotty/McCoy. Now Sylvia and Kirk are completely alone.

Kirk: "What now? You wave a magic wand and destroy my mind too?"

Sylvia: "There's no real damage to the mind, captain, simply a drain of knowledge and will."

Kirk: "You don't call that damage?"

_(((It's perfectly harmless, really, if you don't mind living like an Olsen twin.)))_

Sylvia: "Why should I?"

Kirk: "You'd know if you had compassion. A woman should have compassion, but I forget you're not a woman."

_(((This was the first show to have circumstances where, instead of being an insult, that remark is actually just stating a fact. =P_

_Yay Star Trek.)))_

Sylvia: "But you mistake me, captain."

She stands up from her throne.

Sylvia: "I am a woman now."

_(((Someone wake up the hetero fans, I think this woman is serious.)))_

Sylvia: "I come from a world without sensation as you and I now know it. It excites me. I want more."

_(((From the looks of things she should try experimenting with 'subtlety' next.)))_

_(((At this point Kirk seems to be getting an idea. What kind of idea, you ask? _

_How should I know, I don't watch this show. You'll have to see for yourself._

…

_::evil cackle:: )))_

Kirk: "You seem to need us. Why?"

Sylvia: "Because you have knowledge which I lack. But were our abilities put together…"

_(((Actually, I would still lack your knowledge. Look, it's not a perfect plan…)))_

She starts to step towards him.

Sylvia: "Tell me about power, Kirk."

And because someone decided this episode didn't have enough Creep Factor, we see Korob start spying on them.

Sylvia is standing right in front of Kirk now.

Sylvia: "How does it _feel_?"

Opting for an answer without words, Kirk touches her shoulder. He strays to her jaw for a moment, then goes back to her shoulder.

_(((Sylvia is well on her way to being, how do you say it...ah yes, "prone like a whore at an orgy.")))_

_(((And Kirk? Well he's making a move, so he HAS to be interested, right? I mean, it's not like he has anything to __**gain**__ by seducing the woman that's keeping him and his crew captive or anything._

…………………

_::cough::)))_

Kirk: "What about Korob?"

Sylvia: "He's a fool."

_(((And you are like a BAJILLION times hotter.)))_

Sylvia: "I'll do without him. But you…why do I find you different?"

_(((It's the sideburns. _

_Chicks dig the sideburns.)))_

Sylvia: "Why would it be so difficult to dispose of you?"

_(((Because he's the lead in a 60s TV show, which therefore grants him invincibility?)))_

Kirk withdraws his hand and takes a few steps back.

Kirk: "Why don't you simply probe my mind to get what you want?"

Sylvia: "No…not that, not for you. What I want is…"

_(((For YOU to probe ME.)))_

Sylvia: "…is…a joining."

_(((That's what I just said, hon, try to keep up.)))_

Sylvia: "My mind to yours, willingly."

_(((Ohhhh, a joining of the MINDS. Riiiiight…)))_

Sylvia: "Think of the secrets you could learn, think of the power that could be yours. Anything you can imagine, I can give you."

Kirk then insists on MUMBLING, so we don't know what he says. It sounds something like "What I want is basic" but I can't be sure.

Kirk is now standing behind her, holding her shoulders, stroking her cheek, and speaking into her ear.

Kirk: "What happens if I go along?"

_(((::tugs at the collar of her shirt:: Is it getting warm in here to anyone else?)))_

Sylvia: "Then everything would be ours together."

Now Kirk gives her a small kiss to her temple.

_(((GodDAMN Kirk, you know how it __**works**__…jesus…)))_

Sylvia: "I've never conceived of the idea of togetherness before, it excites me. You excite me, why?"

_(((I can think of a couple of good reasons, babe, but they might burn your virgin ears.)))_

Kirk has his mouth to her cheek.

Kirk: "For the same reasons you excite me."

_(((::Bites her hand:: I don't even…and the way he…"unf" just doesn't seem to……_

_GAWD.)))_

He turns her face towards his.

Kirk: "You're a very beautiful woman."

_(((Oh well that's funny, didn't you just call her a NOT woman like two minutes ago? Hmmm…)))_

He then proceeds to beat her face with his own oh no wait they're kissing.

They peel themselves apart from each other after a moment. (Korob is still watching, btw.)

Sylvia: "You find me beautiful?"

At first Kirk's expression hints at "eh, not really' but then right at the end of the shot we see him grin a little. Sylvia then decides that it's time for a quick game of dress up and changes outfits/hairstyles a couple of times.

_(((The first change can be called Slutty McWhoaHair, while the second is more of a Sexy If You Like Poofy Pajama Ponchos.)))_

Kirk seems to like both of the different styles.

_(((Okay, Captain Sexy Pants, we've been getting mixed signals from you since the start of this scene. Do you dig her or not? What gives?)))_

Kirk: "You have a knack for giving me difficult choices."

He pulls her to him and they mash faces again for a little bit before he breaks the kiss but still holds her just as close.

Kirk: "You have nothing like that where you come from?"

_(((And WABAM! Look at Kirk's face, he's clearly got (and had) and ulterior motive going this whole time. Sneaky bastard.)))_

Sylvia: "Nothing."

The next few lines are delivered while Kirk plants kisses all over her face and mouth and jealous fangirls squirm in their seats.

Kirk: "Your people…they come here…"

_(((By now, Sylvia has clearly joined the I-Want-James-Kirk-To-Plow-Me Club._

_Take a number, honey. I warn you, though, you're in for a long wait. Spock got in line wayyy before you did._

…………………………………

………………………

_Couldn't resist.)))_

Sylvia: "We're like feathers in the wind without the Transmuter."

Kirk: "Transmuter?"

Sylvia: "The source…we will learn, I'll teach you later…later…"

Kirk: "Then it's a device, you do use tools."

Sylvia: "It gives us only form, you're teaching a substance."

Kirk: "You haven't changed your mind? You won't return home?"

_(((Wow, Kirk, your Sexy Talk could really use an upgrade. Unless you've just been trying to get information from her this whole time, in which case I say 'Bravo, sir.')))_

Sylvia: "My home is here with you, a billion worlds of sensation to pick and choose."

They kiss again, only this time Sylvia steps back. She is not a happy camper anymore.

Sylvia: "You are using me! You hold me in your arms and there is no fire in your mind! You're trying to deceive me! It's here like words on a page: You are using me!"

Kirk: "And why not?! You've been using me and my crew!"

_(((Kirk – 1, Sylvia – 0._

_Kirk has been playing her from the very beginning, ladies and gents. He could make out with her all day and there would never be "fire in his mind," which shouldn't surprise any of us by now, he's done it plenty of times before._

_Given his history with Dames of the Hour, I think we can safely say that gentle and/or nonexistent kissing = real feelings, while face-smashing-tonsil-sucking make out sessions = not so much._

_Fascinating.)))_

Sulu/Scotty/McCoy show up to take Kirk back to the cell.

_(((And they need three people to escort one man because…?)))_

Sylvia, now a woman scorned, swears to basically destroy Kirk's entire world…so that's…you know…bad.

Cut to the Enterprise, where Uhura, Chekov and DeSalle are crowded around the blue light thing that Spock usually has his face in half the time.

_(((I know the name of that thing, I just can't remember it…the scanner? Possibly.)))_

Apparently operation Let's Put a Dent in the Big Sudden Force Field is working.

Cut back to the dungeon with Kirk and Spock. Korob enters and sets them free, saying that he's freed the Enterprise from the force field. He gives them back their communicators and tells them to GTFO before Sylvia kills the shit out of them, but Kirk won't leave without his men because he's dashing and badass like that. Korob then leads them down a hallway, where we hear a big, loud cat growl and oh mah gawd there's a huge shadow of a cat around the corner!!!

Korob leads them around a different corner, and then we get to see a glorious shot of a regular sized cat walking down a model of the castle's hallway, which we are supposed to accept as a huge cat moving down a normal sized hallway.

_(((How I love thee, 60s, let me count the ways…)))_

They flee into a different dungeon and hey look at that it's the room they fell into at the beginning of the episode so there's a hole in the ceiling! Korob goes to keep a lookout while Kirk gives Spock a boost up to the gap.

_(((Obviously nobody could call this specifically slashy…but even so…bwehe…)))_

Spock gets up to the next level as Sylvia The Raging House Cat knocks down the prison door and crushes Korob. Kirk stops to help him, but he realizes that it's helpless and makes a run for it, picking up the wand with a little plastic ball on the end that Korob's been carrying around the whole time.

_(((Seeing Kirk carry that thing around is not even remotely hilarious._

_Not. At. All.)))_

Kirk jumps on up towards the gap and Spock pulls him up. Then McCoy, Scotty and Sulu show up looking to fight with weapons that are also not even remotely hilarious. Spock takes down Scotty, Kirk takes down McCoy, and then as Kirk takes down Sulu McCoy starts getting back up behind him. Spock sees this happening.

Spock: "Jim!"

_(((Yay for emotional responses to Kirk in trouble, hehehe.)))_

Kirk then punches McCoy one way, and McCoy falls in the other direction.

_(((There have been so many Yay 60s moments in the past two minutes that my head is spinning from all of the hilarity/amazingness. Srsly.)))_

Kirk: "Well…at least we found them."

Spock: "Fortuitous, captain. And now that we have them all together?"

_(((That was a particularly playful line delivery for such a dire situation, Spock.)))_

Then Sylvia, uh, _meows_ again and we get another terrifying shot the big shadow of a cat against a wall. Kirk scampers off and gets the wand thing, which is obviously the Transmuter, and then comes back and yells to Sylvia, 'HA! Teh Transmuter iz MINEZ NAO, KAT WENCH!!!'

Sylvia turns back into her human form.

Sylvia: "You're very clever, captain, more so than I had imagined. Clever, resourceful…and handsome."

She starts to move towards Kirk.

Spock: "Don't let her touch the wand, captain."

Sylvia stops and glares at Spock, who simply gives her a dead pan stare back.

_(((WHAT NOW, BITCH?!_

_::clears throat::_

_I mean...I thoroughly enjoy the way that Spock isn't about to let Sylvia even try to seduce Kirk, he doesn't buy it for a second. Of course, neither does Kirk, but Spock doesn't know what all went down in the dining hall earlier. And that look he gives her after very calmly ruining her sucky plan is just lovely. It's very, 'Yeah, don't even go there.'_

_Guh, so much win.)))_

So what does Sylvia do? She makes both herself and Kirk vanish in the blink of an eye.

Spock: "Jim!"

_(((Really Spock, it's just getting embarrassing now. XD )))_

_(((It took Sylva about .7 seconds to realize that if she stood a chance against Kirk, it would have to be without Spock. _

_Fascinating.)))_

Sylvia demands the Transmuter, and Kirk isn't about to give it to her.

Sylvia: "You fool. Don't you know what you're giving up? Everything that your species finds desirable. Look at me! I am a woman, I am all women!"

She kneels at his feet and grabs his waist. He's quick to grab her arm and push her away.

Kirk: "I don't know what you are, but you're not a woman."

_(((What catches my eye about this is the line "I'm all women."_

_Apparently she's supposed to represent all women, and we see Kirk push her away._

_Symbolism much, Star Trek?)))_

Sylvia makes a final demand for the Transmuter. Kirk holds it out to her then oh gosh darn it, he smashes it on the table. The next thing he knows he's standing outside, holding a phaser. Spock and the boys come out from around a corner. They look down and see two small little blue muppet things that have seemed to wander over from the set of Eureka's Castle oh no wait it's Sylvia and Korob in their true forms.

Spock is instantly all 'Ooooo, science! Let's take them to the ship and study them!"

But the little things die, so there goes that idea.

McCoy: "All of this, just an illusion."

Kirk: "No illusion…Jackson is dead."

_(((Add another notch in the Kirk Hates Losing Crewmen bedpost.)))_

They beam back to the Enterprise.

End of Episode!!

* * *

**The Score of the Cat Wench!**

Random Crewman Body Count – 12

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 5

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 3

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 3

Episodes Left Until Amok Time – 3


	31. 2x02 Metamorphosis

**Author's Note: **'Goliath/Elisa fic is hot too': You said you were a K/S fan from 'way back' and I was wondering if you could shoot me a message. I've been _dying_ to talk to a K/S fan "from way back" and I would really like to ask you some questions, if that's okay with you. =D

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Two: Metamorphosis**

We join the Galileo shuttlecraft as it flies through space. The trio, plus some woman we've never seen before (she's a commissioner), are all on board. McCoy is looking over the chick (medically, I mean). Spock updates Kirk on their position, waking up him up in the process.

_(((D'AWWWW, Kirk was sleeping?! _

_I freakin' love this brilliant little detail. He's still in the captain's seat and everything, but he's just trying to catch a little nap while they're en route back to the Enterprise. It's both endearing…and ridiculously cute.)))_

Kirk turns and faces the woman and McCoy.

Kirk: "How is she, doctor?"

McCoy: "No change."

Commissioner: "Small thanks to the Starfleet."

_(((::squints eyes:: I'm not gonna like you, am I?)))_

McCoy: "Now really, commissioner, you can't blame the Starfleet-"

Commissioner: "I should've received the proper inoculations ahead of time."

McCoy: "Securos Disease is extremely rare. The chances of anyone contracting it are literally billions to one."

_(((So chill. the hell. out.)))_

Commissioner: "I was sent to Epsilon Canarus III to prevent a war, doctor. Thanks to the inefficiency of the medical branch of the Starfleet I've been forced to leave before my job was done."

_(((2 points for having an important occupation, -2 points for being a stuck up bitch about it.)))_

Kirk assures the Commissioner that they'll have her back in time to stop the war, and that they're only about four hours away from the Enterprise. He gives her a polite smile and turns back to the helm.

_(((For those aching for Kirk-on-female action, sorry. No fireworks here.)))_

Spock notices something weird in the scanner, and when Kirk checks it out for himself and sees that hey yeah it _is_ pretty weird, he has Spock put it on the display screen.

What is it? Well it looks like a red and blue kind of blob thing that got a hold of some 4th of July sparklers, but what it _actually_ is…we have no idea yet.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

It's headed right for them, and the next thing you know it's got the Galileo in its grasp. The helm stops responding, the lights go nuts, and shit generally hits the fan. The Commissioner is all 'WTF?' and Kirk is like 'Bitch you know as much as we do and we can't do shit about it.'

The big blue/red sparkly thing is now dragging them on a different course. McCoy stresses the urgency of getting Ms. Hetford back to the Enterprise.

_(((Oh, so she _does_ have a name. _

_Hm. _

_I'm calling her Bitchface.)))_

Kirk: "I know, Bones, but there's nothing I can do about it."

Bitchface: "Then I insist you make your scheduled rendezvous with the Enterprise."

_(((Way to earn the name I gave you, babe.)))_

Kirk: "Ms. Hetford, we'll do what we can, when we can, but at the moment we're helpless. You might as well sit back and enjoy the ride."

_(((Translation: Sit your BITCHY ass down, shut your BITCHY mouth up, and we'll try our hardest to save your BITCHY life…MAYBE.)))_

Aaaaand titles!

_(((It's worth noting that this episode was written by Gene L. Coon. It seems that Mr. Coon was pretty heavily involved with the show (he also used the named Lee Cronin) and I've got a big hunch that he knew about and supported K/S. The fact that he wrote this particular episode is verrrrry interesting.)))_

Back from titles, where we see that the Galileo has landed on a planet. They can't contact the Enterprise, but initial scans reveal that the planet is perfectly suitable for human life. Kirk gives the orders to grab some phasers and head out, and asks Bitchface to stay inside.

Bitchface: "Just how _long_ am I supposed to stay inside, captain?"

Kirk: "That's a very good question, I wish I could answer."

_(((It's pretty clear that, while the chick is damn aggravating, Kirk is doing his best to play the Hospitable Captain card._

_Me, I would've backhanded her when she insisted they make the rendezvous in the middle of a dire crisis. Srsly.)))_

The BAMF Trio exits the Galileo. It's a mostly reddish planet, nothing too special. Kirk points off screen.

Kirk: "Have a look around, Bones."

McCoy goes off to explore while Kirk and Spock walk around to the back of the shuttle.

_(((This is probably one of the more blatant times where Kirk and/or Spock manage to get some alone time. I mean come, really Kirk? 'Hey Bones, go check out the alien planet and risk death, I'm gonna go hang out with Spock while he does something way more safe like check out the ship.'_

_Smooth, Kirk. Smoooooth.)))_

Spock has a look-see at the shuttle's inner workings and says that there isn't anything technically wrong with the ship. Kirk notes that that's obviously a little weird, and they take a closer look together.

_(((In Closeness-Is-Cute News: When they lean in to look at the ship they are right snuggled up against each other. Hehe…)))_

Cut to Bitchface disobeying Kirk's orders and coming out of the Galileo. Oy.

McCoy pops on over to Kirk and Spock to tell them that his tricorder picked up something similar to that weird sparkly electrical cloud that brought them here.

Random Male Voice: "HELLOOOO!!!!"

The trio, plus Bitchface all look off in the distance to see some dude in an orange jumpsuit running towards them and waving. They are all understandably wary.

_(((There's a nice shot of the Galileo through a small gap in a bunch of rocks. Well done, cinematographer.)))_

_(((Also, what is it with this show and jumpsuits? o.O)))_

The guy finally reaches them. He seems normal enough (for a complete stranger on an alien planet who likes to scream his greetings).

Dude: "Are you real?"

_(((Are you high?)))_

Once Kirk assures him that they, you know, EXIST and everything, the dude introduces himself as Cochran and says that he's been marooned on this planet for a really long time. He then spots Bitchface.

Cochran: "A woman…a beautiful one at that."

_(((You don't want to touch that one, dude, I'm pretty sure she'd bite it off.)))_

Kirk introduces everyone, saving the bitchiest for last. Cochran nods to her.

Cochran: "Ma'am..."

He stares at her some more.

Cochran: "Food to a starving man."

_(((Okay, sir, reel it in a little. The Creep-O-Meter only goes so high.)))_

Bitchface seems more annoyed than flattered.

_(((Shock. Amazement.)))_

Cochran admires the Galileo, and says that there's no use in trying to get it to work again. McCoy's tricorder confirms that he's human. Kirk asks how Cochran landed here, and Cochran temporarily avoids the question by inviting them all back to his lovely little home.

Cochran looks at Bitchface.

Cochran: "I can even offer you a hot bath."

Bitchface: "How perceptive of you to notice that I needed one."

_(((Ma'am, is it possible for someone to do something that DOESN'T piss you off?)))_

Kirk asks Cochran how he came to be on this planet again and, again, Cochran is all 'Not now, later. At my place. Pinky swear.'

Kirk then has Spock show the new guy the ass of the Galileo while Kirk and McCoy have a little secret pow wow. Kirk comments that Cochran looks familiar, and McCoy agrees before saying that they reeeeally need to get Bitchface to the Enterprise before her condition progresses.

Cut to the whole gang walking up to Cochran's home, with one particularly Dr. Suess-ish looking tree off to the right. As they head inside we see Bitchface experience a moment of pain, and the viewers at home don't feel terribly sympathetic.

Kirk notices some mechanical parts and calls them antiques. Cochran explains that he had them when he crashed.

Bitchface complains about how hot it is, but Cochran insists that the temperature is always 72 degrees but hey he'll go get some cold drinks for everyone anyway.

McCoy: "You feel hot?"

Bitchface: "I feel infuriated, deeply put upon, and absolutely outraged."

_(((Axe._

_To her face._

_Now.)))_

McCoy simply tells her to rest, then quietly comments to Kirk that a fever is the first sign of the diseases progression so…you know…that's bad…I guess.

_(((Just let her die, boys, nobody would blame you. Some might even applaud.)))_

Spock calls them to the doorway to have a look outside and they go on over. What they see is a kind of cone shaped yellow cloud thing that sparkles.

_(((With the odd red/orange/blue markings it looks like someone filmed a ten year old's decorated bed sheet and moved it around to try and create the illusion of, well, motion._

_Yay 60s.)))_

It vanishes, and they all go back inside. Cochran comes out with the drinks, and Kirk asks the obvious question, "What was that?"

Cochran tries to avoid the question, but Spock calmly (and actually very politely) calls him on his bullshit and asks him to explain. When Cochran tries to duck the question _again_, Kirk goes all Captainy on his ass and flat out demands an explanation.

Cochran: "It was the Companion."

Kirk: "The what?"

Cochran: "Well that's what I call it. As a matter of fact, captain, I…uh…didn't crash here. I was brought here in my disabled ship. I was almost dead, the Companion saved my life."

Spock: "You were injured?"

Cochran: "I was dying, Mr. Spock."

He then explains that when he was brought here he was an old man, and that the Companion made him young again. This earns o.O expressions from the BAMF Trio, complete with an arch of Spock's eyebrow.

Cochran says that he doesn't really know what the Companion is, just that it exists and he can communicate with it.

Kirk: "Mr. Cochran…do you have a first name?"

Cochran: "Zefram."

Kirk: "Zefram Cochran?"

_(((I bet he bitched at his parents about that for __**years**__.)))_

Kirk recognizes the name as the man who discovered space warp, and McCoy mentions how Zefram Cochrane died 150 years ago.

We get shots of everyone looking even _more_ o.O before it goes to commercial.

And we're back from commercial. Kirk asks him what the crap he was doing out in space when he was so old, and Cochran gives him the jolly old answer of 'I wanted to die in space.'

McCoy is checking on Bitchface, whose fever is getting worse.

_(((YAY!!!_

_I mean._

_Awwww._

………………

…………

_Fuck it, I meant YAY!!!!)))_

Kirk comments that Cochran has been here for a looong time but still looks young, to which Cochran lets drop that the Companion stopped his aging. Spock notices that the 'antique parts' date back to around the time Cochran says he landed here. Cochran then says that the Companion provides mostly everything so that there's not a huge plot hole.

Kirk: "You say you can communicate with it, perhaps you can find out what we're doing here."

Cochran: "I already know."

Kirk: "You wouldn't mind telling us."

Cochran: "You won't like it."

Kirk: "I already don't like it."

When then get a series of dramatic cuts to show everyone's expression and hey someone was kind enough to time it with the music, how sweet.

Cochran: "You're here to keep me company."

_(((Bitchface loses her cool in three…)))_

Kirk: "You mean you brought us here?"

Cochran: "No, the Companion did."

_(((…two…)))_

Cochran: "I told her I'd die of loneliness."

_(((…one…)))_

Cochran: "I thought it would release me, instead it brought you here."

_(((Crazy Time!!!)))_

Bitchface starts freaking out and screaming about how "it's disgusting" and they're "not animals" while Kirk and McCoy take her into the other room and lie her down.

Kirk goes back out to the main room and approaches Spock while Cochran sits close by.

Kirk: "Spock, run additional tricorder readings, learn anything you can. Find me a weapon we can use against this thing."

Spock: "You asked me to find a weapon. Do you intend to destroy it?"

Kirk knows where Spock is going with this.

Kirk: "I intend to do whatever is necessary to get us off this planet and Comissioner Hetford to the hospital. If the Companion stands in the way then we push it out of the way. Clear, Spock?"

Spock: "Quite clear, captain."

Kirk: "Very well, you have your orders."

_(((Well that was incredibly official and dutiful sounding, wasn't it? Cochran was _right there_ though, so it probably wasn't the best time for shameless flirting.)))_

Kirk asks if Cochran wants to leave, and his reply is that immortality is hella dull, to which Kirk grins a little.

Cochran: "What's it like out there in the galaxy?"

Kirk: "We're on a thousand planets and spreading out. We cross fantastic distances and everything's alive, Cochran, life everywhere. We estimate there are millions of planets with intelligent life, we haven't begun to map them. Interesting?"

_(((Here's a great example of an ulterior motive at work that doesn't force Kirk to face smash with a hot chick. He's romanticizing everything, making it sound big and exciting and wonderful because he knows that if he makes it sound jazzy enough then Cochran will want to leave and if Cochran wants to leave then he'll be willing to help them in ways that he otherwise may have objected to._

_We even see Kirk get the idea when he grins a little at Cochran's "immortality blows" remark.)))_

And hey lookie there, it works! Cochran is all set to help everyone, including himself, get off the planet.

Cut to Spock back at the Galileo, working on it. The Companion shows up and Spock, the ever-curious Vulcan, reaches out and touches it. Well he gets one hell of an electrocution and it knocks him out. Oh noes!!!

Cut back to Kirk, who asks Cochran if the Companion could cure Bitchface. Cochran isn't sure, so he goes on outside to have a chat with said Companion. Kirk and McCoy watch as Cochran stands still, clears his mind, and the Companion appears and sort of envelopes him.

Kirk: "Bones, what do you make of that?"

Bones: "Almost a symbiosis of some kind. A sort of joining."

_(((Not gonna lie, I had to look up 'symbiosis.' It's simply a relationship between two organisms, the term itself doesn't define whether it's good or bad...just there. (Thanks for the correction, _Kateribird_, the internet failed me. Shocking, yes I know. =P )))_

_/end random vocabulary lesson.)))_

Kirk: "That's exactly what I think."

They watch a little more.

Kirk: "Not exactly like a pet owner speaking to a beloved animal, wouldn't you say?"

McCoy: "No, it's more than that…"

Kirk: "Agreed…more like…love."

_(((ZOMG, the Companion has a hard on for Cochran!)))_

The Companion goes away then, and Cochran reports that the Companion can't do anything to help Bitchface. How sad (not really).

Cut to McCoy arriving at the Galileo and finding Spock on the ground. Spock is pretty excited though, because he's found out that the Companion is mostly made up of electricity and hey, electric shit can be shorted out!

Cut back to Cochran's place, where Spock is telling everyone about this black, boxy device he has in his hands that will scramble all of the Companions electrical impulses.

_(((And you got this thing from…the Companion Killers R Us store down the street?)))_

Cochran doesn't seem to like the idea of hurting it, however, and turns away.

Kirk: "It troubles you Cochran?"

Cochran: "The Companion saved my life, it's taken care of me all these years and…we're very close in a way that's hard to explain. I suppose I even have a sort of affection for it."

_(((I don't suppose any of this __**sounds familiar**__ to anyone? And hey, there's that word _affection_ again._

_Spirk what? Parallel what?)))_

Cochran _really_ doesn't want to risk killing it, but Kirk is all 'Tough shit, I'm the hero of this damn show and I'm gonna save some damn lives, capiche?'

Cochran sadly agrees and starts to head outside.

Cochran: "What was it they used to call it? The Judas goat?"

_(((We all get the Judas reference, but I'd never heard of a Judas goat before so I looked it up. Apparently in stockyards a "Judas goat" is a goat (NO. WAY.) used to herd sheep to slaughter, while its life is spared._

_Cochran's implication is pretty obvious.)))_

Cochran goes outside.

Spock: "There is some risk, captain. We do not know the extent of its powers."

Kirk: "Nor it ours."

_(((Damn straight it doesn't. ;) )))_

The Companion shows up and Kirk has Spock turn on the machine. The plan works perfectly and the Companion is killed oh no wait everything goes to shit and now the Companion is covering Kirk and Spock and killing them.

_(((Uh…whups?)))_

And the poor boys have to go through all of the commercials like that. =(

_(((That had to have been fun to shoot. "Okay Bill, Leonard, just uh…just roll around and act like you're choking…yeah, like that…only more rolling.")))_

McCoy yells at the Companion to knock it off and Cochran wakes up just in time to call it back outside.

Kirk: "Cochran got it off of us, but I don't know if he did us a favor or not."

McCoy: "What kind of talk is that?"

_(((Spock talk, that's what.)))_

Kirk: "How do you fight a thing like that? I've got a ship up there somewhere, the responsibility of four lives down here, one of them dying because of me."

McCoy: "It isn't your fault, Jim."

Kirk: "I'm in command, Bones, that makes it my fault. How do you fight a thing like that?"

_(((Kirk talking about his responsibility as a captain = a dashing sort of sadness.)))_

McCoy: "Maybe you're a solider so often you forget that you're also trying to be a diplomat. Why not try a carrot instead of stick?"

_(((Oh, oh, can it be a slashy carrot? Can it PLEEEASE be a slashy carrot????)))_

Kirk gets an idea then, and tells Spock to modify the universal translator they have on the Galileo so they can attempt to talk with the Companion.

McCoy says that Bitchface is getting worse. The good people at home are just glad that she's QUIET.

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Scotty records a Captain's Log stating that the Galileo is officially late and they're gonna back track to try and find them. Then there's a bunch of technobabble that basically boils down to the fact that there's literally no trace of the Galileo yet but at least that means that the ship hasn't exploded or anything and hey maybe they got taken away by a tractor beam or something.

Cut back to Cochran's place for more babble about how the universal translator (which looks somewhat convincing-ish as a modified microphone) works to avoid another plot hole.

Cochran, Kirk and Spock all go outside and Cochran calls the Companion. Kirk gets the thing's attention and, via the translator, it sounds feminine.

Kirk: "Feminine, no doubt about it, Spock."

Spock: "Yes. The matter of gender could change the entire situation."

_(((So if the Companion were masculine that _wouldn't_ be able to change the entire situation? Boo on the 60s' climate calling for that kind of talk._

…_but wait, let's talk about this a little more._

_Spock just saw how it enveloped Cochran and it didn't seem to send up any odd flags with him like it did with Kirk and McCoy the first time, which suggests that he merely saw the connection as mutualistic (yay for using new words) and not romantic. This makes total sense, since Spock looks at things with his Logic Goggles on (almost) all the time. It's not surprising that he would see it as a mutually beneficial union first and not something based on an emotion._

_But why suggest to viewers that it was the Companion being female that opened the door for romance instead of the curious behavior itself? Aren't romantic implications just that, regardless of the gender of the people involved? That's how many of us think these days, but back in the 60s it was Man + Woman = Romance and Man + Man = Friend, especially in entertainment. Even with the whole Kirk/Spock thing going on, the writer(s) had to be sensitive to the general public's opinion and understanding, thus a character saying a line like that is not surprising. _

_What __**is**__ surprising though, is that Kirk and McCoy didn't know if the thing was male or female when they saw it contact Cochran the first time, and yet they immediately identified it as love. They didn't stop to think about gender _at all_. So even if the Companion had turned out to be masculine, that wouldn't have changed what they said before hand, which left it all up in the air. But, thanks to the climate of the 60s, the Companion is conveniently female so therefore the issue doesn't need to be addressed. Still, it's very interesting that the writer(s) set it up the way they did. That, in and of itself, is a positive gay message, and we haven't even gotten to all of the WHOA stuff that's about to show up.)))_

Kirk is grinning a bit.

Kirk: "Way ahead of you."

Spock: "It is not a zookeeper."

Kirk looks back at Spock with a smile.

Kirk: "No?"

_(((So Spock is all 'Oh so it's FEMALE, well then it must be in love with Cochran!' and then .3 seconds later we see Kirk throw Spock a little smile and flirtatious tone his way, which seems to completely contradict what Spock has just said since, you know, they're both _men_ and all._

_How. Convenient.)))_

Then Kirk looks back at Cochran.

Kirk: "A lover."

_((('Cause heaven forbid Kirk is looking at Spock when he says something like "A lover." The poor censors wouldn't be able to take it._

_XD )))_

Kirk tries to convince the Companion that they need to leave, but she refuses because as long as they're here Cochran will live and that's all that matters. They go back and forth about this for a moment, then Spock steps forward to speak to Kirk.

Spock: "This is a marvelous opportunity to add to our knowledge."

Kirk's instant reaction is along the lines of 'Are you _seriously_ geeking out on me NOW?'

Spock: "Ask it about its nature, its history."

Kirk: "Spock, this isn't a classroom, I'm trying to get us out of here."

Spock: "A chance like this could never come again, it could tell us so much."

Kirk: "This isn't the time."

_(((I love it when Spock gets nerdy.)))_

Kirk steps forward to speak to the companion again.

Kirk: "Companion, what you offer us is not continuation, it's non-existence. We will cease to exist, even the man will cease to exist."

_(((Once again the show brings up the theme of "humans need growth and challenges to survive" is brought up.)))_

Companion: "Your impasses are illogical."

_(((Sound like anyone we know?)))_

Well the Companion isn't convinced, and frankly she's tired of this shit, so she vanishes. They all head back inside, where McCoy and Cochran stay standing while Spock and Kirk sit across from each other at the table.

Cochran: "Captain, why did you build that translator with a feminine voice?"

Kirk: "We didn't."

Cochran: "But I heard-"

Kirk: "The idea of male and female are universal constants, Cochran. There's no doubt about it: The Companion is female."

Cochran: "I don't understand."

McCoy: "You don't? A blind man could see it with a cane."

_(((I smell a new motto for K/S.)))_

McCoy: "You're not a pet, you're not a specimen kept in a cage, you're a lover."

Cochran: "I'm a what?"

Spock: "Her attitude when she approaches you is profoundly different than when she contacts us…"

_(((Remind you of anyone?)))_

Spock: "..her appearance is soft, gentle. Her voice is melodic, pleasing."

_(((If Spock wasn't saying "her" one could totally assume that he was talking about how Kirk talks to him when he flirts. __**Seriously.**__)))_

Spock: "I do not totally understand the emotion, but it obviously exists. The Companion loves you."

_(((Spock says this honestly, because it's clearly true. He doesn't fully understand love._

…

_But since when does not understanding an emotion stop you from feeling it? _

_Exactly.)))_

Cochran: "Do you know what you're saying?"

_(((You're describing Kirk's behavior towards you for the past first season and couple of episodes! It's WEIRD!)))_

Cochran: "For all these years I let something as alien as that crawl around inside me?! Into my mind, my feelings?"

Kirk gives Spock a 'what is this dude's problem?' look.

_(((Gee, I wonder __**why**__?)))_

Kirk: "What are you complaining about, it kept you alive didn't it?"

_(((So Kirk has weighed in, and he's totally fine with the alien/human thing._

_Shock. Amazement.)))_

Cochran: "That thing fed on me, used me. It's disgusting."

McCoy: "There's nothing disgusting about it, it's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things."

_(((FUCK YES, McCoy, you TELL THAT BITCH!!_

_Ahem, and so McCoy has obviously weighed in on the positive side. _ComplexNumber_ pointed out that the line 'You get used to those things' suggests that a certain doctor has gotten used to a certain developing relationship on the Enterprise, and I completely agree.)))_

Cochran: "You're as bad as it is."

Spock: "Your highly emotional reaction is most illogical."

_(((Didn't something say that word earlier?)))_

Spock: "Your relationship with the Companion has, for one hundred and fifty years, been emotionally satisfying, imminently practical, and totally harmless. It may, indeed, have been quite beneficial."

_(((And Spock weighs in on the positive side as well._

_You just watched the three leads on a television show say that a relationship between an alien that's mostly made up of electricity and gas and a human man was __**perfectly fine**__._

_Holy. Shit.)))_

_(((I have to admit though, that it makes me angry to think that they could say all of this about Companion/Cochran, but the Companion had to be revealed as a female first. Like people in the 60s were ready to hear main characters talk about that kind of relationship in a positive light, as long as there was nothing GAY about it. Ugh.)))_

Cochran: "Is this what the future holds? Men who have no notion of decency or morality?"

_(((If there are two things that gays have been called over the years, it's "indecent" and "immoral."_

_This whole episode is a direct and undeniable parallel for the homosexuality "issue" and all three leads say they're for it, while the one guy who says 'no' is painted as an irrational hypocrite._

_In 1967._

………………………

…………………

_I cannot accurately express how much I adore Roddenberry, Coon, and the trio right now, and I could not be more serious about that.)))_

_(((For those who may still doubt what this episode is about, here's an example: The X-Men franchise is very popular with gays. Why? Because it directly parallels their struggle. A group of people (mutants) are born differently and ultimately hated and feared for it. At the beginning of the first movie there's a debate about all mutants "coming out and identifying themselves" and in the second movie there's a discussion between Bobby (a mutant) and his parents that is worded exactly like how a teen would come out to their parents. Seriously, all you have to do is substitute the word "mutant" for "gay" in that scene and you have a Lifetime drama._

_Entertainment can be fluff, it can be fun, it can be exciting, but it can also be used to layer in deep messages and profound thoughts. It just takes a bit more time and effort, especially if you're going for a subtle angle or, in Star Trek's case, you're _forced_ to take a subtle angle. _

_So please don't tell me and others that we read too much into things or that "it's just a tv show." It's all there in front of you, you just have to turn on your brain and actively think about it, which is not something we're used to doing anymore with entertainment. How else do you think Miley Cyrus is famous?_

…………

………………_uh…wow…_

_::climbs off soapbox:: )))_

Kirk says nothing, his head is bowed.

_(((So Cochran is all 'Everybody is just immoral and shit???' and Kirk just keeps his head down and says nothing._

_Oh mah GAWD, how telling is THAT?)))_

Cochran: "Well maybe I'm a hundred and fifty years out of style, but I'm not gonna be fodder for any inhuman monster."

_(((I've heard anti-gay people say this a million times. "Well maybe I'm just old fashioned but I'm not gonna let gays ruin this country with their blasphemy.")))_

Cochran leaves.

Spock: "Fascinating. A totally parochial attitude."

Kirk grins and slightly laughs at Spock's remark.

_(((Aaaaand, Spock just called Cochran narrow minded with a word that also has religious emphasis._

_God__**damn**__ I love this show.)))_

_(((But oh no, the amazing pro-homo stuff isn't done yet.)))_

Bitchface calls for McCoy and he goes to her side (Kirk follows). She is really weak now.

_(((Since she's not so bitchy anymore, I'll call her Hetford now.)))_

Hetford: "I heard him. He was loved, and he resents it."

McCoy: "Just rest."

Hetford: "I…I don't want to die. I've been good at my job, but I've never been in love. Never. What kind of life is that, not to be loved? Never to have shown love. And he runs away from love…"

She starts crying. McCoy stands up and looks at Kirk.

_(((Those words could have hit home pretty hard for Kirk, too.)))_

Back on the Enterprise, they're still searching for the Galileo. Sulu reports that they've detected a shit ton of planets, and a lot of them could support human life.

Scotty: "All right then, we'll do it the hard way. All censors set for life form registration. Automatic selection."

Uhura: "Mr. Scott, there are thousands of them out there that they could be on, if they're on any of them at all."

Scotty: "That's right, lieutenant, thousands…and we'll look them over one by one."

_(((I love you so hard, Scotty. So very, very hard.)))_

Cut back to the planet, where Cochran has called the Companion so that Kirk could talk to it some more. Cochran and the Companion are not joined.

Kirk: "Companion, do you love the man?"

Companion: "I do not understand."

Kirk: "Is he important to you, more important than anything? Is he…as though he were a part of you?"

_(((Once again, someone elaborates on romantic love and it sounds one hell of a lot like Kirk/Spock.)))_

Kirk again tries to explain that Cochran's spirit will die if he stays here and that humans need the obstacles that she takes away.

Kirk: "You regard the man only as a toy, you amuse yourself with him."

Companion: "You are wrong. The man is the center of all things. I care for him."

Kirk's tone takes a significant step up in conviction.

Kirk: "But you can't really love him. You haven't the slightest knowledge of love, the total union of two people."

_(((Spock just admitted a couple of minutes ago that he didn't understand love.)))_

Kirk: "You are the Companion, he is the man. You are two different things."

_(((Spock's a Vulcan, Kirk's a human.)))_

Kirk: "You can't join, you can't love."

_(((Once again 'join' is implied to be synonymous with 'love.')))_

Kirk: "You may keep him here forever but you will always be separate…apart from him."

_(((Spirk what? Parallel what?)))_

The Companion then understands that if she were human, she could love, and fades away.

McCoy: "What did you hope to gain from that, Jim?"

Kirk: "Tried to convince her of the hopelessness of it. Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice."

_(((O RLY, Kirk? Sacrifice, you say? HMMMM…)))_

_(((Spock, by the way, has cast his eyes downward for a moment. Could Kirk's words have hit home?)))_

Kirk: "I thought maybe if she loved him, she'd let him go."

Spock: "But she, or it, is inhuman, captain. You cannot expect her to react like a human."

_(((That was about as a subtle as a chapter of Twilight, Spock. _

_Why didn't you just slap him and yell 'I'm WORKING on the whole LOVE thing, so just SHUT UP and be PATIENT!!!')))_

Kirk looks back at Spock.

Kirk: "I tried."

_(((Holy god in heaven, guys, will you just __**make out all ready**__?!?! GAWD, I don't know how McCoy puts up with this shit 24/7.)))_

And in a twist that no one saw coming (and by 'no one' I mean 'everyone') Hetford appears at the front door. The Companion has taken over her body! OMGWTFBBQCOMMERCIAL!!!!

Cochran has to explain to them, for some reason, that it's the Companion, but then the Companion clarifies that it's actually both her AND Hetford. She walks up to Cochran, who's still a little weirded out by the whole thing. The Companion then talks about how she feels loneliness and tells Kirk that the ship and everything will operate now.

Companion (to Kirk): "You said that we would not know love because we were not human. Now we are human. We know the change of the days, we will know death."

_(((::gasp:: Does this mean Kirk should have hope for Spock in the future? I dare say it just might.)))_

Well now that he's had a solid thirty seconds to get used to everything, Cochran calls the Companion beautiful and she asks that they walk and talk etc. Kirk says that it's all right and gives him a little encouraging smile.

_(((Yay for love, boo for the guy pulling an almost instant 180 now that the Companion is suddenly a human woman and therefore "acceptable.")))_

They walk off hand in hand.

Kirk contacts the ship and Scotty says that they're about an hour away.

Cut to Cochran and the Companion talking. Blah blah, she can't go with him, blah blah blah, if she leaves the planet she'll die, blah blahhhhh, Cochran wants to stay with her, blah blah, gentle loving kiss.

Cut to later, the Enterprise is waiting. Cochran tells the trio that he wants to stay.

Spock: "But you will age, both of you. There will be no immortality. You will both grow old here and finally die."

_(((Awww, that's our little Vulcan buzzkill, yes he is..)))_

That doesn't seem to matter much to Cochran, so he'll stay and be with her and grow food etc.

Cochran: "It isn't gratitude, captain. Now that I see her, touch her, I know that I love her."

_(((So it took being able to see her and touch her for him to finally realize that he loves her. This would explain the moment earlier in the episode when he talks about how they have a bond that's hard to understand, and that "affection" he had for her. He knew he felt something for her, he just couldn't quite place exactly what that feeling was._

……………

_I really must get that leash for my mind. I'm starting to get tired of chasing after it so damn much.)))_

Kirk shakes his hand, and when Cochran asks that he not tell anyone about him, Kirk agrees. Then at the last second the writer remembered the whole 'war that Hetford was supposed to stop' thing and has Kirk say 'Eh, they'll find someone else.'

_(((As I got the end of this episode I was wondering why the hell they stressed that both the Companion and Hetford were now in the same body. Really, they beat you over the head with it like three times. Then _Makaria Sophia_ mentioned in a review that the Companion is half-human now._

_Link number 24339058490 to Kirk and Spock._)))

_(((_Artemisia_ suggested in a review that the Companion was not feminine, that it merely pretended to be feminine because it knew that Cochran was heterosexual, and these are my thoughts about it:_

_On one hand (as someone else pointed out) it doesn't have male or female organs, but on the other hand the translator identified as feminine, and machines can't really lie. Since it can't be physically female, it must be emotionally female at least, which is why I describe it as a 'she.'_

_Also, I can't really say that the Companion would make itself appear to be female because she knew that Cochran was straight. Her understanding of humans was very limited and basic. She was intelligent, of course, but her 'I want man to live, man says he needs friends to live, I get him friends, end of story' approach demonstrated that she wasn't capable/she had difficulty with comprehending humans and their complex needs/tendencies. She could barely understand humans themselves, so I don't think she would be able to detect that a specific human could only love one type of gender and then pretend to be that gender because she knew what they wanted. All she knew was that she wanted to be with Cochran, and when Kirk convinced her that the only way to do that was to be human, she became part of Hetford (which was conveniently female so it matched her personality)._

_Many thanks to _Artemisia_ for bringing this up, it helped me clarify a bunch of my own thoughts, actually._

_Of course I'm always open for more debate... XD )))_

End of Episode! Whew!

* * *

**Scoreness!!**

Times Immortality is Found – 2

Episodes Left Until Amok Time – 2


	32. 2x03 Friday's Child

**Author's Note: **People are very encouraging about the 'talk show' idea, so I guess I have no choice but to do it. ::big dramatic sigh::

…oh bull, you know I'm more excited than a Vulcan during Pon Farr.

/end obvious joke

I've had a name for the project for a little while now, and thanks to the previous episode I now have a tagline.

The name? 'Spirk Theater.'

The tagline? 'A blind man could see it with a cane.'

…………….

Eh? Eh???? I quite like it. XD

P.S. – Artemisia: I completely get what you're saying about Hetford, but she was still uselessly bitchy to me. It wasn't anybody's fault that her job was interrupted and yet she blamed Starfleet and was incredibly rude to anything that moved, and that kind of inappropriate expression of anger really annoys me. ::shrug:: (As for the whole Companion gender thing, I added a note to the end of the Metamorphosis chapter.)

P.P.S. – The last chapter apparently inspired everyone to write Epic Novel Length Comments of Awesome. Love it.

P.P.P.S. – Lanaea (author of the incredibly popular and _extremely_ well written K/S fic 'Home') just dropped a big long comment, and she loves this project.

Is it weird that I feel a little like I was just complimented by a celebrity?

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Three: Friday's Child**

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov and Uhura are in a briefing room.

McCoy: "They're quite large, seven feet tall is not unusual."

_(((That's what she said. HEY-OOOO!!!!_

………………

………………………

_I swear I will never make that joke again.)))_

McCoy: "They're extremely fast and strong."

McCoy then talks about how dangerous the tribe can be, and nobody can take him seriously once we see video of the people.

_(((Jumpsuits. Blonde ponytails placed high on the back of the head. Muppet scarves._

_Holy._

_Shit._

_Yay. _

_60s.)))_

Then McCoy talks about the tribe's main weapon, which is a throwing star of sorts that they're ruthlessly efficient with. Once again, all sense of 'ooo they're threatening' flies out the window when we see video of one of the them throwing it and it makes a hilarious little whistle sound.

_(((Note to _Star Trek: _When you want us to grasp how dangerous a new culture is, don't make them look like Teletubbies on steroids.)))_

_(((Well, the wraps they have around themselves remind me of muppets…so maybe they're a combination of the two. _

_A…Telemup? Nah. _

_Muppatubby?_

…………………………

_FUCK. YES.)))_

Sulu reports from the bridge that they're now in orbit of the Muppatubby's planet, and we get to hear about how McCoy has already spent some time with them and found that they didn't give a crap about hospitals and medicine and shit 'cause they are like totally hardcore.

Welp, they would normally take a big badass landing party for a race this violent but in this case that would only increase the chances of breaking one of their rules and pissing them off, and they need them to be calm and stuff if they're gonna sign the treaty that the Enterprise has been assigned to get them to sign. Sign.

The meeting breaks then, and Kirk leaves Scotty in charge, quick to remind him that Klingons have been sighted in this sector so, you know…look out.

Transition to Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and a random crewman beaming down to the planet. They're soon halted by a group of Muppatubbies. Kirk introduces himself, and McCoy gives (what we assume to be) the standard peaceful greeting of the tribe.

Then the crowd shifts and reveals a Klingon, and everything goes to shit in about .9 seconds.

The random crewman gets a case of Insta-Crazy and whips out his phaser to fire at the enemy but before Kirk can stop the kid a Muppatubby hurls a throwing star at him and the kid is hit smack dead in the chest.

_(((So…::cough::…Mining Treaty anyone?_

…_.anyone?)))_

And titles!

_(((Why bless my muppet scarf, DC Fontana wrote this episode, the same chick who wrote This Side of Paradise. Hmmmm…)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3497.2: Planet Kipella 4. The rare mineral, Topaline, vital to the life support systems of planetoid colonies, has been discovered in abundance here. Our mission: Obtain a mining agreement. But we have discovered a Klingon agent has preceded us to the planet, a discovery which has cost the life of one of my crewman."

And right on cue, the dead random crewmember falls from Kirk and McCoy's grasp and lands on the ground.

The Klingon is all 'Dude, who tries to kill people when they're not war? Honestly.'

Kirk is really ticked off, as we've come to expect from Captain Losing-Crewmembers-Totally-Blows, and offers the excuse that the random crewmember was young and didn't know any better.

_(((Why Kirk still has his arms out like he's about to play that one hand slapping game with the air, I have no idea.)))_

The head honcho of the Muppatubbies says that the Klingons have also made an offer for their Topaline and they were even kind enough to surrender their weapons on sight and not, you know, try to KILL anyone two seconds after beaming down. The Klingon throws in a cheap (and false) shot about how the humans fear to deal honestly, and The BAMF Trio forfeits their weapons.

_(((And yet they're still just as BAMF. XD )))_

Transition to later, where Kirk peeks out of the tent they're being held in and looks around. The guard closest to the camera seems to understand how bat shit goofy his out fit is, and Kirk goes back inside.

Kirk: "So they keep their word scrupulously. They're unusually honest, is that what I heard you say in the briefing room, doctor?"

_(((Uh oh…I think Kirk is about to head down a war path of misdirected frustration.)))_

McCoy: "Yes, I mentioned that."

Spock: "He also mentioned that they can be highly dangerous."

Kirk: "Dangerous if lied to, if their customs are violated, but we lied to no one, doctor."

_(((Now if Kirk's gonna vent all over somebody, McCoy is the obvious choice in this case because he was the one who knew so much about the race. However, it's interesting how, even when Spock speaks up and is corrected, Kirk still focuses his anger, frustration, and even the verbal response, on McCoy. Fascinating.)))_

Kirk: "We violated no customs. Perhaps you'll explain to me why one of my men is dead."

McCoy: "Because he was drawing a weapon on one of their guests."

Kirk: "Grant looked up, saw a Klingon, made a purely defensive, instinctive move. And what's a Klingon doing down here among your _scrupulously honest_ friends, anyway?"

_(((Okay, Captain Sexy Pants, you know you're getting a bit ridiculous.)))_

There's a moment of silence as both McCoy and Spock look at Kirk.

McCoy: "Look, Jim, I know what it means to you to lose a crewman."

_(((Thank you, McCoy, for hitting the nail on the head and calling him out on his bull. What a broham. =D )))_

Kirk: "That's only one down, doctor. There's over 400 more up there in orbit. And if there's a Klingon down here, there might be a Klingon ship up there somewhere."

Cut to the Enterprise, where Chekov tells Scotty that they've got another ship just at the edge of their censor range. It could really only be a Klingon ship, but since it's so far off and can't do any harm, Scotty opts not to tell Kirk yet.

Back in the tent with the trio, Kirk is pacing a little. He sees McCoy and knows that he was kind of being a dick earlier.

_(((It's a nice little expression from Kirk before he speaks. Yay Shatner.)))_

Kirk: "Bones…"

_(((Note that he's calling him 'Bones' now instead of 'Doctor.')))_

McCoy: "Yes, captain?"

_(((Oooo, what a nice little switch. Just a second ago Kirk was being formal and McCoy informal, now it's the other way around.)))_

Kirk: "I shouldn't have chewed you out. I'm sorry."

_(((Kirk's little apologetic grin is both adorable, and a very nice touch.)))_

McCoy: "I understand."

Kirk starts pacing again. Spock, who's been staring off into space, decides to speak up.

Spock: "Inefficient, however."

Kirk turns around at the sound of his voice.

Spock: "Emotion, captain."

_(((What the hell, Spock, now is a pretty random time to start flirting with Kirk. That little pop of the eyebrow isn't terribly subtle, either, you frisky Vulcan.)))_

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock, you're quite right. Inefficient…and illogical."

_(((And Kirk plays right on back. Are you surprised? Neither am I.)))_

Then a beautiful woman with a tray of food enters the tent.

_(((Geez, people, can Kirk and Spock NOT be interrupted by a woman for a change?)))_

She makes a bee line for Kirk and sets the food on the table, kneeling before him. Kirk gets a little twitch of a grin. He seems amused in a sort of surprised way.

McCoy: "We showed friendship by handing over our weapons, and she's making a gesture in return."

_(((Check out the look on Spock while McCoy is talking, eh? His mouth drops open a little, his head tilts to the side a little. While McCoy is grinning like "Hey hey, pretty girl wants to be friends, Jim!" like any friend would, Spock's look expresses something verrrrry different. Hmmmm…)))_

The chick offers him a piece of fruit, and when he moves to take it from her both Spock and McCoy jump up.

McCoy: "Jim!"

Kirk withdraws. He clearly doesn't know what's going on.

McCoy: "If you touch her, her nearest male relative will have to try to kill you."

_(((Something about his delivery of that line makes me smile. Only Mr. Kelley, ladies and gents.)))_

McCoy: "They're offering you a chance for combat. They consider it more pleasurable than love."

_(((_spooky-fbi _was kind enough to verbally bash me over the head about this quote, and who the hell can blame her? _

_So to this race, fighting is greater than sex, so they offer Kirk an opportunity to participate in something more pleasurable than sex with another man -- a fight to the death.  
_

_Well THAT'S not homoerotic at all._

_Ah yes, and in two episodes we'll see Kirk and Spock fighting to the death._

_Not. Homoerotic. At. All._

_The nail in the big gay coffin about this theory is that DC Fontana was also the 'story consultant' for Amok Time, which definitely links these two episodes. I think I'm starting to see why people say she was a K/S advocate._

_If I seem uncharacteristically calm about all of this, it's because I'm up quite late at the moment, and my mind is asleep. Don't worry, though, it's reeling while sleeping. It's good like that.)))  
_

A Muppatubby comes in then, and he seems disappointed, probably because he got stuck with the pink Muppet Scarf today.

Random Muppatubby: "Chur-rah."

Kirk looks at the guy like, 'I'm sorry, what?'

Spock: "It would appear, captain, that he finds you a disappointment."

Kirk gives the guy kind of a sheepish shrug, and all of the fangirls squee a little.

Transition to a little later, where the trio is led into a tent with an important looking Muppatubby sitting on a little throne.

Akaar: "I am Ti'er Akaar. I lead the ten tribes of Kipella."

_(((I'm sorry sir, could you say that again? It sounds like the battery on your Speak-n-Spell is low.)))_

Another pretty blonde decides to make an entrance then, only this one is majorly preggers.

_(((Make another notch in Star Trek's 'Awesomely Controversial for the 60s' bed post.)))_

Leader Akaar: "And this is Eleen, a young wife to give an old man a son to rule these tribes."

_(((He's referring to himself, so we know he's the baby daddy.)))_

Kirk steps forward and introduces himself, then makes a professional expression of frustration for the death of the random crewman. Akaar doesn't get it, though, 'cause death is like totally respectable and awesome. Maab (the guy who you kind of thought was the leader at the beginning) then says that human customs are a bit different and death is a bit less awesome to them. The Klingon laughs a bit at humans being afraid of death and before Kirk can step in, McCoy takes the reigns for a second since he's familiar with the tribe.

McCoy: "What Maab has said is true, our customs are different. What the Klingon has said is unimportant and we do not hear his words."

McCoy takes a step back and leans in to Kirk.

McCoy: "I just called the Klingon a liar."

_(((And 25 BAMF points go to the country doctor.)))_

Akaar and Maab then have a little debate about the human's deal versus the Klingon's deal. The Klingon then speaks up and talks about why he kicks ass, and then Kirk speaks up about how Klingons don't really kick ass, they just kill and dominate everyone.

_(((Btw, Klingon still = dude with brown paint on his face._

_Or in this dude's case he just looks really tan._

_Yay 60s.)))_

It all comes down to Maab digging the Klingons but Akaar digs the humans and seems to be willing to fight over it. Maab leaves, and Kirk asks for a communicator to contact the ship but Akaar's response is basically 'I'm sorry, Akaar isn't in right now as he has to think about shit. Please leave a message and he'll get back to you shortly.'

Back on the Enterprise, the Klingon ship gets out of range from the censors while Uhura thinks she picks up a distress signal from an earth vessel but it's really fucked up so she's not sure.

Cut back to the planet, where everything is good and peaceful oh no wait everybody's killing each other.

The trio comes out of the tent and Kirk beats the crap out of the guard while the other two watch.

_(((We WOULD help, Kirk, but you just do it so WELL.)))_

Blah blah, people dying, blah blah, can't take it seriously because of the outfits, blah blah.

The trio enters the main meeting tent, where the Klingon is busy looking for something. Spock and McCoy grab their weapons/communicators, and it the next thing you know the Klingon attacks Kirk but Kirk takes him down in no time flat.

Now with a knife to his throat, the Klingon reveals that his ship is just a small vessel, and that they need the Topaline too.

But then another knife comes out of nowhere and pokes Kirk in the shoulder. It's Maab! GASP!!

Maab then announces that Akaar is dead and he's the new leader now. Now Maab likes Kirk's spunk and says that the deal he had going with the Klingon's might change.

On the Enterprise, Uhura is now getting a clear distress signal from a freighter saying that they're under a Klingon attack. Scotty tries to contact Kirk but nobody answers, for obvious reasons.

Back on the planet, Eleen comes in to join the party. She stumbles and almost puts her hand in the nearby Random Massive Goblet of Fire Plus A Snake and Kirk instinctively goes to help her, Spock has to warn him about the touching thing again.

Maab then goes to kill her because she's preggo with a future leader, but Kirk is just too good of a man and pulls her out of the way, instigating a big ol' fight that lasts until the Klingon plus some extra Muppatubbies show up with totally not fake looking swords.

Uh oh, Kirk has violated the No Touchy rule and now Eleen wants him dead.

_(((I do believe this makes her the first person in the show to want Kirk dead after being touched by him. Fool. _

_=P )))_

On the Enterprise, since no one from the trio is responding, Scotty makes the executive decision to go and help the freighter in need.

Back from commercial, where Scotty's Captain's Log fills in anyone who's just tuning in.

Cut to the planet, where the trio plus Eleen are being held in a tent with two guards standing on the inside of the door this time. Spock says that it's been a while since they were supposed to check in so Scotty is sure to have noticed, and Kirk finishes his thought by saying that something must be keeping the Enterprise from helping them then.

_(((I love it when they finish each other's thoughts, even if it's fairly obvious as to what the other was going to say. It's just so…nice.)))_

McCoy: "Captain, I'm gonna fix that woman's arm, they can only kill me once for touching her."

It takes Kirk a second to get the subtle hint, then he looks at McCoy.

Kirk: "That's a very good idea, Bones."

Spock: "Yes, Captain, an excellent idea."

_(((I'm GLAD we're TALKING in such CODED and SUBTLE language as to FOOL the GUARDS, we are so CLEVER, don't you THINK???)))_

_(((Actually they all do the 'hint hint nudge nudge' tone of voice pretty well, but it's still very much detectable, heh.)))_

McCoy goes for Eleen, Spock goes for one guard, and Kirk pulls the ol' Throw-A-Pillow technique and takes down the other one.

_(((Kirk's got a habit of throwing shit at his enemies this season…I like it.)))_

Kirk holds a knife of Eleen and asks if she wants to die or come with them, and she surprisingly elects to go with them.

Cut to Maab sitting in his throne out in the middle of the settlement _(((I guess he wanted fresh air?)))_ while the Klingon tries to casually walk away but Maab is like 'Uh UH, bitch, get back here. You'll get your weapons when I say you can.'

Cut to the Enterprise, where they can't pick up any debris or anything from the freighter as they head for it.

Cut back to the planet, where the Trio + Eleen have literally headed for the hills and oh yeah Eleen hates the baby that's not born yet. McCoy and Eleen go on ahead while Kirk and Spock scope out a good place to ambush the inevitable group of Muppatubbies that will come looking for them.

Cut to McCoy and Eleen.

McCoy: "Now listen, you may be a compellin' woman and the widow of a High Ti'er, but I'm a doctor!"

_(((GUH, McCoy, YES._

_WE LOVE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW.)))_

McCoy: "And it's my tradition to care for the sick and injured. Now let me see that arm!"

After she takes a moment to recover from his unbelievable display of badassery, she offers her arm.

Meanwhile, Kirk has spotted an advancing troop of Muppatubbies.

Back with McCoy and Eleen, McCoy puts his hand on her stomach to check on her baby and she pushes him off.

Eleen: "You will not touch me in that manner."

McCoy: "Now you listen to me, young woman, I'll touch you in any way or manner that my professional judgment indicates-"

Eleen slaps him across the face. He reaches for her again, and she slaps him again. So what does McCoy do? In true BAMF style, he slaps her right the fuck back!

_(((McCoy. will. slap. a bitch.)))_

She gives in, again, and he feels her stomach.

McCoy: "Just what I thought, it could come at any time now."

Eleen: "How do you know?"

_(((Hey yeah, McCoy, I was kind of wondering that myself, you're just feeling her stomach, after all.)))_

McCoy: "Because I'm a _doctor_, that's how I know."

_(((Oh yeahhhh, that's right. Never mind, then._

_Also, I love you. You're next on my To Be Bottled list.)))_

This kind of impresses Eleen, and she takes McCoy's hand and starts putting the moves on him. Spock happens by then and sees what's going on. McCoy yanks his hand away, Spock looks at him like, 'Huh, that's kind of interesting' and walks off.

_(((What's interesting about this is how _differently_ Spock behaves when he sees McCoy with a woman than when he sees Kirk with a woman. With McCoy his expression is purely 'Well now, that is an event that is occurring' and he just walks off. With Kirk, it's much more dramatic, and he sure as hell doesn't just walk off like nothing happened. There's always a sort of tentions when it's Kirk that just isn't there when it's McCoy. To put it simply: He doesn't care when McCoy is with a woman, but he cares when Kirk is with a woman._

_Now __**why**__ would he possibly __**care**__ about __**Kirk**__ being with a __**woman**__?_

_And another thing, there is no good reason why Spock had to see them. None. It's totally random. Well actually, it appears totally random unless you consider it as an opportunity to see how Spock views McCoy + Woman in comparison to how he views Kirk + Woman, since we saw the latter a little earlier in the episode. Then it's not so much "random" as "brilliant."_

_These writers…they're not just throwing those magnetic words at a refrigerator and typing down what sounds nice.)))_

Kirk and Spock meet up and discuss their surroundings as a possible place for ambush, and how they need to create some sort of avalanche, maybe with a planned little avalanche.

Kirk: "Do you think we could create a sonic disruption with two of our communicators?"

Spock: "There's a very slight chance it would work."

Kirk: "Well if you don't think we can maybe we shouldn't try."

_(((Oh Kirk, you cheeky son of a bitch. 3 )))_

Spock: "Captain. I didn't say that exactly."

Spock keeps looking at Kirk for a moment. Kirk smiles and they whip out their…communicators.

_(((And, even though the alternative would have been only possible if this was a porno, K/S fangirls frown a little.)))_

Next thing you know Kirk and Spock are behind a rock, waiting for the right moment to cause the avalanche.

_(((In 'Kirk's Ass' News: We get a shot of the Muppatubbies entering the little rock valley, which also gets us quite a nice shot of Kirk's cute little bootie. Spock isn't leaning forward in the way Kirk is, otherwise we'd have a nice shot of his bootie too.)))_

They launch plan More Explosion Than Avalanche and it works for the most part! Huzzah!!

Now it's only Maab, a couple of random Muppatubbies, and the Klingon.

Cut to Kirk and McCoy talking about Eleen.

Kirk: "Worried about the delivery?"

McCoy: "Kipellans aren't human, Jim, they're humanoid. There's certain internal differences. I don't have the equipment to handle that in an emergency."

Kirk: "Well if you don't think you can handle it…"

McCoy: "Forget it, I can do it. The last thing I want around is a ham-handed ship's captain."

_(((Translation: I'm not SPOCK, Jim, I don't appreciate the CUTE SHIT.)))_

_(((Now here's a more blatant example of the different relationships between the trio. Kirk makes the same joke to both of them, and one of them takes it in stride and gets a smile out of the captain, while the other doesn't appreciate it at all and storms off and there's no smile from the captain (because he just kind of got chewed out). How very interesting.)))_

Transition to Kirk climbing up a big rock/hill/mountain thing and looking around.

Cut to Maab and company walking around.

Cut back to Kirk, only now McCoy/Spock/Eleen are trying to climb the steep rock//hill/mountain thing. Kirk tries to help her, but she insists that only McCoy can touch her.

Kirk: "There's a cave in there. Probably the only shelter around here."

McCoy: "I'll need help getting her in there."

Spock tries to help her this time and she refuses again.

McCoy: "Look, I'm a doctor not an escalator!"

_(((WOOOO!!!! My favorite "I'm a doctor not a _____" line!!! ::dances:: )))_

She still only insists on McCoy's touch, though, so he has to haul her up to the cave anyway. =(

Back on the Enterprise, they still haven't found the freighter. Scotty figures out that it was probably a fake signal to divert them from the planet, but they have to stay and make absolutely sure.

Back on the planet, the trio gets into the cave and McCoy gives Kirk a tablet that catches fire when struck so they can have some light. Eleen seems to be starting to go into labor.

Kirk: "How'd you get her to let you touch her, Bones, give her a happy pill?"

McCoy: "No, a right cross."

Kirk: "Never seen that in a medical book."

McCoy: "It's in mine from now on."

_(((Is it even remotely possible for McCoy to NOT be a badass?_

_I submit that it is not.)))_

Kirk walks outside, where Spock is looking at a nearby plant with his knife.

_(((I have no idea why, but it's ADORABLE. It's like "Ooo, look…a plant…how…fascinating…"_

_Hehehe.)))_

They agree that they need weapons (that is, weapons more useful than knives), and go off in search of some.

Back in the cave, Eleen is definitely in labor now, and we know this because **rocks are blocking half the freaking screen to keep us from seeing anything more than her head.**

_(((I get that it was part of the culture back then, but it's still pretty funny.)))_

McCoy tries to convince her that she wants the child, but she insists that she doesn't.

McCoy: "Say to yourself, 'The child is mine.'"

He repeats this a couple of times, and now Eleen thinks that McCoy has claimed the child for his own.

_(((Uh…whups?)))_

Cut to Kirk, who's trying to contact the Enterprise. When he can't, he sits back down with Spock and they continue making bows and arrows out of stuff they've gathered.

_(((The sight of them doing this makes me giggle every time, it's just so precious.)))_

Spock: "Fortunately, this bark has suitable tensile cohesion."

Kirk: "You mean it makes a good bow string."

They look at each other.

Spock: "I believe I said that."

_(((Their comedic timing is absolutely spot on. Bravo, boys.)))_

Then a baby starts crying and McCoy comes out and motions for them to come inside and see the newborn.

_(((That had to have been the EASIEST damn delivery in the history of history, because we never heard a single scream._

_Maybe their race gives birth differently? Who knows.)))_

They have a look at the little bundle of joy, and McCoy tries to hand the kid off to Spock. Spock, the awkward little Vulcan that he is, has no idea what to do and politely refuses.

Eleen refers to the baby as 'our child' when addressing McCoy, and this earns quite a couple of o.O looks from Kirk and Spock. McCoy says he'll explain later and goes over to Eleen while Kirk and Spock trade 'well isn't this just _fascinating_' glances.

Then they look over at McCoy and Eleen, then they both put their hands behind their backs at the same time and glance at each other again.

_(((They just did the same thing at the same time._

_This is one of those "We're gonna kill you with cuteness" episodes. Srsly.)))_

_(((Also, when Kirk looks from the baby back to Spock, he gets a little too close to him and pulls away. This was most likely unplanned...but that doesn't mean it's not cute. (thanks for the tip, _Kayleigh-talitha_) )))_

On the Enterprise, they've confirmed that it was a fake and start heading back to the planet. Uhura reports another distress call, only this one could be legitimate. Scotty chooses to ignore it and they keep going.

Sulu: "Scotty, if it should turn out to be real…"

Scotty: "There's an old, old saying on Earth, Mr. Sulu: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Chekov: "I know this saying. It was invented in Russia."

Scotty and Sulu look at Chekov like 'Do what now?' while Chekov smiles to himself as he faces the scanner.

_(((Woooo!! Chekov's first Russian invention! I hadn't noticed that he knows it's bullshit before, either, which makes it funnier that he calls everything a Russian invention just to fuck with people. Yay humor. XD )))_

Back in the cave, McCoy is asleep. Eleen wakes up and brains him with a rock before fleeing the cave.

Transition to Spock standing on a huge faraway rock with a bow, and Kirk sitting on a huge rock that's a bit closer to the camera with a bow.

_(((Captain Sexy Pants sitting on a rock with a bow and arrow? Priceless.)))_

McCoy comes out of the cave calling for both of them and they head on over. McCoy tells them what happened, and volunteers to go with them to look for her but Kirk assigns him to Baby Duty, for obvious reasons.

On the Enterprise, they come across a Klingon vessel getting right in their way and they go to red alert.

Back from commercial and the ship is still at a stand still with the Klingon ship. Scotty tries to contact it, but when all he gets is silence he decides to go after the bastards.

On the planet, Kirk and Spock are laying in wait for the oncoming tribe of Muppatubbies. A scout spots both of them right away, so the whole 'hiding' thing kind of goes out the window.

Eleen pops up then, tells Maab that the kid and three humans are dead. The Klingon wants proof, but she plays the 'wife of a Ti'er' card and that's good enough for Maab.

The Klingon REALLY insists that they go find the bodies, and then Kirk shoots him in the leg with an arrow! Yay archery!

A completely harrowing and in no way hilarious battle between bows and arrows and the little throwing stars ensues.

_(((Apparently once the distance is greater than about ten feet, a Muppatubby's accuracy goes from "ruthlessly efficient" to "Helen Keller.")))_

In the middle of all the chaos, the Klingon manages to take a shot at Spock's hiding place. Rocks and dirt fly everywhere.

Kirk: "Spock…Spock!"

_(((He's not full out yelling it, but the tone of his voice is still really, _really_ wonderful to hear. He manages to convey the desperation without screaming his lungs out. Go Shatner.)))_

Spock speaks up to let Kirk know that he's alright, and Kirk scampers on over to him while he tries to hail the Enterprise but no one responds.

Kirk: "The cavalry never comes over the hill in the nick of time anymore."

Spock: "If by that you mean we can't expect help from the Enterprise, I must agree."

_(((Well lookie there, now it's Spock's turn to translate Kirk's words._

_How many parallel events is that now? Three? And in only one episode, no less.)))_

The Klingon kills another Muppatubby.

Kirk: "There's just one thing I want."

_(((Besides you, that is._

…………………………

………………………

…………………

_Don't lie, you know you thought it too.)))_

Spock: "The Klingon?"

Kirk: "One of us must get him."

Spock: "Revenge, captain?"

Kirk looks back at Spock.

Kirk: "Why not."

_(((OoOoOoo, Kirk, I must admit, I like it when your ruthless side peeks out every now and then.)))_

The Klingon then bullshits about teaching everyone what killing really is, and Eleen runs up to Maab and the others.

Eleen: "Fight! Are you warriors or children?!"

Then, one very swift mood swing later, she's tired.

Eleen: "Maab, I'll flee. When the Klingon turns to fire I'll-"

Uh oh, now Maab has a knife to her throat…but wait he's giving his life for hers. Maab then walks over and baits the Klingon into killing him while a random Muppatubby throws a little star thing at him and kills him. Finally.

As Kirk and Spock come down to face a bunch of the enemy, Scotty and a herd of random crewman pop in with phasers and save them all. Woo!

_(((What was that about the cavalry, Kirk? _

_Clearly you forgot that you left Scotty in charge. XD )))_

McCoy shows up with the baby and hands it to Eleen, having to instruct her on the proper way to hold her child. He then proceeds to use baby talk to the baby which makes sense because it's a baby. Baby.

McCoy: "Oochie woochie koochie koo!"

Spock hears this.

Spock: "Oochie woochie koochie koo, captain?"

_(((Brittany will be right back, she just died from Spock Cuteness Overload.)))_

Kirk has a completely straight face.

Kirk: "An obscure Earth dialect, 'oochie woochie koochie koo.' If you're curious, consult linguistics."

Spock nods like he's satisfied and Kirk keeps looking at him for a second.

_(((I can't help but imagine that Kirk is thinking "You're _really_ gonna consult linguistics, aren't you? How endearing.")))_

Scotty, Spock and Kirk walk off, talking about how they'd like to hear McCoy's explanation for apparently being the father of Eleen's child.

Transition to later. Kirk and McCoy arrive on the bridge and Kirk addresses Uhura.

Kirk: "Contact Starfleet. Inform them that Federation mining rights on Kopella have been secured by treaty, document signed by the young High Chief's regent. Report follows."

Kirk has a seat in his chair.

Spock: "Chief's regent?"

Kirk: "Yes, Eleen. Remarkable young lady."

McCoy: "Representing the High Ti'er: Leonard James Akaar."

Spock: "The child was named Leonard James Akaar?"

Kirk gives Spock a cute little nod with his eyebrows to the ceiling.

McCoy: "It has a kind of ring to it, don't you think, James?"

Kirk: "Yes I think it's a name destined to go down in galactic history, Leonard. What do you think, Spock?"

Spock: "I think you're both going to be insufferably pleased with yourselves for at least a month, _sir_."

_(((Oooo, I think someone's angry that the baby wasn't named Leonard James Spock Akaar._

…_Nah, that'd be way too _human_.)))_

_(((Also, nobody can ever get enough of the sly comedic stylings of the BAMF Trio. Ever.)))_

End of Episode!!!

* * *

**The Score! (But Only Because The Muppatubbies Are Making Me)**

Episode Specific: 

Spock/Kirk Fascinating Parallels - 3

BAMF Moments - 483490

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 13

Episodes Left Until Amok Time – 1

_(((I would have paid serious, serious money to see the Trio have to dress up to fit in with their surroundings in this one. Holy crap.)))_


	33. 2x04 Who Mourns for Adonais?

**Author's Note: **In case you're not on Facebook and don't keep track of Kirk/Spock page there, there's a little thing brewing called Kirk/Spock Day. It's happening all over teh interwebs on Sept. 15th because that's the day Amok Time was aired in 1967. It's just a day where you'll actually have an _excuse_ to spend all your time drowning in slashy goodness.

So I figured, what better day to launch Spirk Theater than the first annual Spirk Day? XD

So mark your calendars for 9/15.

P.S. – 'Spirk Theater' is now a working title, it could very well change if I think of anything/get a good suggestion. I'll toss out some ideas next chapter.

P.P.S. – TheLoyalOne: What's your Youtube screen name? If we're already friends over there then I've completely forgotten whose screen name is whose. O.O

P.P.P.S. – Since the next episode is basically the slashiest thing since sliced bread (I think that makes sense on some level…) you'll have to give me a few days to tackle the beast if the chapter is going to be as thorough as it needs to be. 'Epic' is gonna be an understatement. ::evil cackle::

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Four: Who Mourns for Adonais?**

We join Kirk in his good ol' chair as a pretty blonde crewman hands him a report on the system they're currently in, commenting on the strange lack of intelligent life on any of the planet.

_(((So Stephanie Meyer lives there, then.)))_

Kirk dismisses her and she crosses behind the captain's chair.

_(((Thus ends the great romance of Kirk and this episode's Dame of the Hour. Earth shattering, I know._

_Well if she's not for Kirk, then who is she for, I wonder?)))_

_(((I don't mean to sound sexist, but we all know the kind of sad fact that, except for Uhura, 99% of every other woman on this show was meant as some kind of interest for one of the boys. Sad, but true.)))_

She's quickly cut off by McCoy. Scotty stands a bit behind her as well.

McCoy: "Lieutenant, you look a bit tired this morning."

_(((That's one hell of an opening line you got there, McCoy. o.O )))_

Lt. Pretty Blonde: "Well I was up all night working on this report, sir."

She moves to pass him, and McCoy accepts defeat.

Scotty: "Well in that case, there's nothin' like a wee bit of coffee to get you back in shape. Join me, Carolyn?"

_(((First point: Scotty is one smooth mother fucker, taking McCoy's train of thought and running with it._

_Second point: Kirk has now noticed what Scotty's up to.)))_

Carolyn agrees and says she has to finish up a few things before they go.

Kirk: "Bones, could you get that excited over a cup of coffee?"

_(((Did he not see the chick, she's friggin' beautiful! Ol' Playboy Kirk must not be seeing too well these days…::cough:: )))_

McCoy: "Even from here I can tell his pulse rate's up."

Scotty: "Gentlemen!"

_(((This always strikes me as a suggestion that Scotty's a little happy in the, er, _pants_. Something like that wouldn't get past the censors, though._

_Well actually, given what we've seen the censors miss…)))_

Scotty escorts Carolyn over to Uhura, where they start talking.

McCoy: "I'm not sure I like that, Jim."

Kirk: "Why, Bones? Scotty's a good man."

McCoy: "And he thinks he's the right man for her, but I'm not sure _she_ thinks he's the right man. On the other hand she's a woman, all woman."

Kirk makes a sound of agreement and, no, it's not a 'Hawt dayum hellz YEAH she's a woman!' sound of agreement, it's just a sound of agreement.

_(((So what's McCoy's deal anyway? Since we saw him try a move on her two seconds ago, he clearly likes Carolyn too, so it's not hard to guess McCoy's motive.)))_

McCoy: "One day she'll find the right man and off she'll go, out of the service."

_(((So women can't be married _and_ work in the 23rd century?I blame the 60s for that one.)))_

Kirk: "Mhm. I like to think of it not so much as losing an officer as gaining…actually I'm losing an officer."

_(((Normally this kind of joke isn't all that fabulous, but Shatner's delivery of the punch line makes me grin. _

_Comedic timing. Shatner has it.)))_

It's business as usual, and Spock gives them a rundown on the planet they're orbiting above, Pollox 4, and it looks pretty darn normal.

Then a giant green, semi-opaque hand is seen heading directly for them, and all the normalcy flies out the window.

_(((Yes, a giant hand is reaching out for the Enterprise, and it looks…wonderful…_

_Yay 60s.)))_

Spock reports that it's not living tissue, but a field of energy.

They try to out maneuver it, but the hand seems to be too _dexterous_ for them.

_(((You don't need to hurt me for that one…I'm kicking myself for you.)))_

The hand then literally takes hold of the Enterprise and it knocks everyone about for a bit. Sulu announces that they can't move. Kirk and Spock slowly, and dramatically, stand up and join each other in the frame.

_(((Love. It.)))_

Titles!

We're back from titles, where they're still stopped in the name of love- I mean stopped by a big hand. Spock reports that it is most definitely not flesh. They the ol' Try and Shake Free maneuver a chance, and nothing happens. Oh but then the face of a handsome man wearing a golden crown of leaves pops onto the viewing screen so it all makes sense now. O.o

_(((For the classic TV buffs in the audience, that guy with the golden crown also appeared in an episode of The Dick Van Dyke show, he played an old flame of Laura's who wound up being a priest. Good times.)))_

Crown Dude: "The eons have passed, and what has been written has come about."

_(((You couldn't be more vague if you said something about something else.)))_

Crown Dude: "You are most welcome, my beloved children. Your places await you."

Kirk has Uhura open a response frequency and goes to speak, but the Crown Dude beats him to it.

Crown Dude: "You have left your plains and valleys and made this bold venture, so it was in the beginning."

_(((Sir, DO I KNOW YOU??)))_

Crown Dude: "You have made me proud."

_(((Oh thank GAWD, I swore to myself that before I died I would make some nameless partly-see-through fruit in a crown proud._

…

_PURPOSE, oh booming voice, GIVE US ONE.)))_

Crown Dude: "Now you can rest."

Kirk: "This is captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, please identify yourself."

Crown Dude: "We shall remember together. We shall drink the sacramental wine."

_(((I don't know what kind of alcohol you're used to, broham, but the shit I drink helps me forget and stumble around more than remember.)))_

Crown Dude: "There shall be the music of the pipes. The long wait has ended."

_(((The wait for WHAT?!?!)))_

Kirk: "Are you responsible for stopping this ship?"

Crown Dude: "Yes, I was the one to withdraw the wind from your sails."

Kirk: "Give it back, then we'll talk."

_(((::sigh:: I love it when Kirk cuts through the flowery shit and gets right to the point.)))_

Kirk demands that they be set free lest they be forced to defend themselves.

_(((Kind of a half bluff, since trying to move at all was pointless, but if anyone can make a bluff sound amazing, it's Mr. Corbomite Maneuver himself.)))_

Crown Dude: "You have the same fire, how like your father's were. Agamemnon, Hector, Odysseus."

Kirk: "Never mind the history, lesson, release the ship!"

This kind of pisses the Crown Dude off and he starts to "close his hand" which starts threatening the integrity of the ship's hull and forcing Kirk to surrender…for the moment.

Crown Dude: "That was your first lesson, remember it. Captain Kirk, I invite you and your officers to join me, but do not bring that one. The one with the pointed ears."

Everyone looks at Spock, but we get a close up of Kirk and Spock looking at each other.

Spock's eyebrow jumps a little.

_(((He doesn't say it, but you know Spock just thought 'Fascinating.')))_

Crown Dude: "No sad faces. This is a time to rejoice, not to fear."

_(((So the guy telling Kirk to leave Spock behind made Kirk look sad enough to where it had to be commented on, eh? Hmm…)))_

And because they know that Kirk and Spock will be separated for the rest of the episode, the writers decided to make up for it with the following forty five seconds:

Kirk: "Let's go Bones."

Kirk gets up and steps behind his chair.

Kirk: "You in good voice?"

McCoy: "You sure it's wise, Jim?"

Kirk: "We don't accept his invitation we'll have a crushed eggshell-" he looks over at Spock "-where the ship used to be."

He looks at Spock for a moment, then faces him and leans on the back of his chair.

_(((GUH, UNF, AND ANY OTHER THREE LETTER COMBOS THAT CONVEY BEING PUNCHED IN THE GUT WITH WHOA._

_The way Kirk looks over at Spock is just freaking wonderful. He's talking about the __**ship**__ possibly being __**destroyed**__, and yet when he looks over he's just completely wrapped up in Spock. And then he just staaaares for a second, the clear implication being that he's thinking about how Spock won't be coming with him this time…a thought he clearly does not like_

_And the lean, can we talk about the lean? It speaks VOLUMES. And as he does it he exhales pretty loudly, like 'We're not gonna be together this time, what do we do about this?'_

_Fucking. Adorable.)))_

Spock: "Verbose, isn't he?"

_(((And Kirk isn't even the first one to speak! Spock knows what Kirk is thinking and addresses it, with some dry humor I might add, like he's trying to lighten the mood and make it seem not so bad.)))_

Kirk: "Insulted, Spock?"

_(((Whoa, check out the high beams on Kirk. Yup, Captain Sexy Pants is grinning, folks, and we're all too aware of what that means. Grinning + That Tone + Those Eyes = Kirk Lovin'.)))_

Spock: "Insults are effective only when emotion is present."

_(((So you were insulted, then.)))_

Kirk: "Good. We'll tackle him together."

_(((You've just _got_ to make it seem like you'll be together despite the distance, eh Kirk?_

_And hey, you guys can wrap it up now, you know. You're not gonna be separated all THAT long, for cryin' out loud. What, are you guys in love with each other or something? GAWD.)))_

Spock nods.

Kirk: "We already know the questions, you're the best man to find the answers."

_(((Even though the statement was obvious and delivered with professionalism, it's nice to see Kirk leave him with a little compliment.)))_

Kirk, McCoy, Chekov, Scotty, and Carolyn all beam down to the planet. They land right next to some Greek looking little throne area where we see the Crown Dude sitting on said throne in a toga so sparkly that it would make even Edward Cullen jealous.

The Crown Dude greets them kindly and mentions Earth.

Kirk: "You know of Earth? You've been there?"

Crown Dude: "Once I stretched out my hand and Earth trembled. And I breathed upon it, and spring returned."

_(((But have you ever BEEN there?)))_

Kirk asks him how he knows about Odysseus and shit, and he then claims to be the god Apollo.

Chekov: "And I am the Czar of all the Russians."

_(((::sigh:: It's so good to have you here, Chekov.)))_

Kirk doesn't buy it, for obvious reasons, and McCoy reports that Apollo is not human, merely humanoid.

Apollo gets a look at Carolyn and is instantly smitten, then he mentions how he and a few other gods were quite the travelers back in the day, and were acquainted with Earth about 5,000 years ago.

_(((So the concept is that the myths known as the Greek Gods actually existed, but were just highly advanced beings that traveled around?_

_That's not bad for a show in the 60s. Not freakin' bad at all.)))_

Kirk: "All right. We're here at your invitation, would you mind telling us what you want without all the Olympian generalities?"

Apollo: "You will not leave this place."

_(((::cough::…uh…::pulls at collar::…well that's one way to answer.)))_

Kirk immediately tries to contact the transporter room but Apollo informs him that the communicators and transporters won't work because…well, because he says so.

Apollo says that he wants them to worship him and Kirk replies with 'Uh…no?'

Since Kirk refuses so strongly, Apollo provides an example of his power by getting REALLY tall.

Back from commercial, and we see that Spock is doing all he can on the Enterprise to try and reconnect with the landing party.

_(((This episode is a lovely instance where we get to see Spock running the ship in a professional, completely competent manner (as opposed to logic getting in his way).)))_

Back on the planet, Apollo is still jumbo sized…but he fades away.

McCoy: "Point of phrase: Fascinating."

_(((Ha! =D )))_

Carolyn gives a brief rundown of Apollo's place among the gods, and they toss ideas back and forth and Kirk sends everyone off to find the source of Apollo's power. Kirk then takes McCoy aside.

Kirk: "Bones, I wonder if, 5,000 years ago…"

McCoy: "You have a theory?"

Kirk: "I have an idea. What if he is _really_ Apollo?"

_(((Then we are FUCKED, cap'n.)))_

Speak of the god, Apollo pops in! He's lounging on his throne, refreshed and ready to be vague. He then asks for the group's worship once again, in exchange for a fabulous life in paradise.

Kirk: "Apollo…we're willing to talk, but you'll find that we don't bow to every creature with a bag of tricks."

_(((Well…ouch.)))_

_(((This episode is a great example of Kirk refusing to submit, and therefore rebelling. He laughs in the face of higher powers a lot, which would make him a bit of a rebel, but he __**doesn't**__ rebel against Starfleet all the time, which is an important distinction.)))_

Apollo then compares Kirk to Agamemnon and Hercules, because he's 'prideful' and 'arrogant.'

_(((EDITED as of 10/13/09: We all know who Hercules is, and it makes sense that Apollo would use him when describing arrogance, and the same goes for Agamemnon. Agamemnon, however, is the only one to be connected to Kirk _twice_._

_Well as it turns out, a part of Agamemnon's history includes mourning the death of a Boeotian boy with whom he had a romantic relationship with._

_Homo/bisexuality was pretty common back in the Greek days so running into a god with that kind of background isn't the most difficult thing to do, but other than that all Agamemnon basically did was lead the Greek troops against Troy, and that doesn't relate to Kirk…so…yeah…do with that info what you will._

_Also, Roddenberry confirmed that he drew inspiration for Kirk and Spock from Alexander and Hephaestion, two guys from Greek mythology who were best buds…oh yeah and lovers too._

_How. Interesting.)))_

Apollo: "They defied me, until they felt my wrath."

Scotty: "I would like to point out that we are quite capable of some wrath ourselves."

_(((UGH, Scotty, could you be any more BAMF??? SRSLY.)))_

Kirk mentions his crew, and Apollo insists that it's actually his crew and he can do with them as he pleases.

Carolyn: "But why? What you have said so far makes no sense at all!"

_(((Amen to THAT, sister.)))_

Apollo doesn't really pay attention to her words, he's too enamored by her beauty. He says she's pretty wise for a woman and, even though we all know what decade this was made in, every female watching flips off the screen.

When Apollo's flirting gets particularly whoa, Scotty speaks up and draws his weapon, only to earn himself a nice dose of lightning bolt from Apollo.

Chekov notes that their phasers' innards are now fused together so, you know…that happened.

Apollo then decides to put Carolyn in a Greek style dress.

_(((Which she looks absolutely _stunning_ in, I might add)))_

He starts to lead her away but Scotty acts on impulse again and tries to interfere. One simple swipe of Apollo's arm sends Scotty flying backwards though, with an extra thunder bolt sound affect thrown in for good measure.

_((And yet…there was no thunder bolt…_

_Yay 60s.)))_

Apollo and Carolyn try to leave again, and when Kirk goes to make a move himself she tells him that it's alright.

_(((It's not a move like Scotty's, which is to say that he didn't want to take action because he's interested in her, he's just the captain. Oh, and he has a soul.)))_

Apollo _finally_ takes her off into the woods, and Scotty wakes up, instantly more worried about Carolyn than himself.

Scotty: "Captain, we've got to stop him! He wants her, the way he looked at her-"

_(((Was kinda like how you look at Spock, and we all know what THAT means!_

……………

………………

_Couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk: "_Mr. Scott-_"

_(((Uh oh…Kirk has his Captain hat on…)))_

Kirk: "I understand your concern over her, but she volunteered to go with him, hopefully to find out more about him. She's doing her job, I think it's about time you started doing yours! We've got to find out the source of his power. You've got a tricorder, use it if you're able to."

Scotty: "…I'm able sir."

Kirk: "And one more thing: I want no more unauthorized action against Apollo, or whatever he is. That's an order!"

Scotty: "Aye aye, sir."

_(((So far this is one of the more intense instances where Kirk has had to come down on a crewman, and he has every reason to. Kudos to Scotty for handling it well.)))_

Now with the necessary chiding out of the way, Kirk softens.

Kirk: "Besides, you stiff necked thistle-head, you could've gotten yourself killed."

_(((The inner and outer shift from Captain Do-Your-Goddamn-Job to Captain I-Just-Want-You-to-Be-Safe happens in about .5 seconds, literally, and it's handled beautifully by Shatner. ::applauds:: )))_

Scotty walks off.

McCoy: "Scotty doesn't believe in Gods."

Kirk: "Apollo's no god."

Kirk walks up the steps of the throne and hangs out between a couple of pillars.

_(((This is one of those I-Don't-Know-Why-It's-Sexy-But-It-Is moments. It's kind of child like in a way, really. A very interesting choice of movement.)))_

Kirk: "But…he could've been taken for one, though. Once."

Kirk then theorizes that space travelers landed on Earth 5,000 years and were mistaken for gods.

Back on the Enterprise, they try to break free of the hand, but to no avail. Spock goes over to Uhura and stresses the fact that they have to get in touch with the landing party, and she's doing the best she can.

_(((This is the first time they've spoken to each other in about a full season, and there is not a single trace of romantic tension. _

_Just thought I'd point that out for the whole 'S/U is not part of TOS canon' argument.)))_

Sulu then reports that he's picking up an energy source, but can't narrow down where, so Spock suggests that he checks the whole planet.

_(((It kind of reminds me of Scotty's 'we'll search thousands of planets one by one' line from season one. XD )))_

Back on the planet, Apollo and Carolyn have a nice little romance scene, where Apollo suggests that gods need love and adoration, and can't survive on people's memory alone.

_(((Hmm…selfish gods instead of amazing/perfect/merciful ones…how controversial, Mr. Roddenberry.)))_

Back with Kirk and company, they've figured out that there's a huge field of energy being generated, but they can't pinpoint it.

Chekov: "Sir, some creatures can generate and control energy with no harm to themselves. The electric eel on Earth, the giant ryverm of Antos IV, the-"

McCoy: "Not the _whole_ encyclopedia, Chekov."

_(((Dr. Leonard McCoy: Snarkier than you since 1966.)))_

Chekov: "The captain requires complete information."

McCoy: "Spock's contaminating this boy, Jim."

_(((Good on Chekov for sticking up for himself. ::waves flag:: )))_

Kirk: "Are you suggesting that he, Apollo, taps a flow of energy and channels it through his body?"

Chekov: "That would seem most likely, sir."

Kirk: "Mr. Chekov, I think you've earned your pay for the week."

_(((Heehee, this isn't the last time Kirk uses that line, and it makes me smile every time.)))_

McCoy then reports that Apollo seems to have an extra organ and he can't figure out what it is.

_(((Stop giggling, he's serious!)))_

Whups, here comes Apollo all by his onesy.

Kirk: "Where is Lt. Palermas?"

Apollo: "She is no longer of any concern to you."

Scotty politely asks for Carolyn's whereabouts oh no wait he runs at him with a little statue.

Apollo strikes him with a lightning bolt which looks in no way cartoonish, and he knocks the stunt double- I mean Scotty clear across the set- I mean courtyard.

This time Scotty is seriously injured, and now Kirk. is. pissed.

He starts mouthing off to Apollo, and the 'god' merely points at him and he starts to choke and suffocate.

_(((Why we needed another thunder sound affect for that, the 60s only know.)))_

Apollo has a seat on his throne and lets Kirk breathe again, then he fades away…again.

McCoy and Chekov help Kirk to a proper seat and McCoy goes back to Scotty.

Kirk: "Where's Apollo?"

Chekov: "He disappeared again, like the cat in that Russian story."

Kirk: "Don't you mean the English story, the Chesire cat…"

Chekov: "Chesire? No sir. Means, perhaps."

Kirk: "Alright, alright…"

_(((Aww, Kirk is too tired from nearly dying to play right now. =P )))_

Chekov makes the observation that before Apollo disappeared he looked tired. Then Scotty comes around, but he can't move his arm.

Now armed with the Hey He Gets Tired theory, they hatch a plan to wear Apollo out on purpose by getting him to lash out at one of them so the rest can pounce on him before he can disappear.

_(((In 'Kirk's Legs' News: Once again, he just can't keep himself from crossing his legs in that particular Captain Sexy Pants way.)))_

Cut to the Enterprise, where Uhura is working on fixing communications.

_(((Yay for a chick doing more in the 60s than looking pretty! Huzzah!!)))_

Spock pops in to check on her.

Spock: "Progress report?"

Uhura: "I'm connecting the bypass circuit now, sir. It should take another half hour."

Spock: "Speed is essential, lieutenant."

Uhura: "Mr. Spock, I haven't done anything like this in years. If it isn't done just right I could blow the entire communications system. It's very delicate work, sir."

Spock: "I can think of no one better equipped to handle it, Ms. Uhura. Please proceed."

Uhura: "Yes, sir right away."

_(((I'm naturally assuming that this is a scene where S/U fans point at the screen and yell "See! True love! Right there!" so I thought I'd address it._

_He paid her a compliment exactly like the one Kirk gave to Spock at the beginning of the episode. Both compliments were pretty obvious (the head of communications is the best person to solve a communications problem? No. Way.), and very business like. There were no signs to indicate that the line itself, or the delivery, was flirtatious in either case._

_Since both instances are so similar, however, I've got to say that if you insist on the S/U bit as being a total flirt, then you can't say that the K/S one wasn't. (Since I've already ranted about people who do that in a previous chapter, I won't elaborate on that particular point.)_

_Furthermore, Nichelle Nichols (the actress who played Uhura) stated specifically that her approach to the Spock/Uhura dynamic was one of a mentor and student. There was no romance in sight._

_I'm not ragging on S/U, who am I to tell you what ship to like, I'm just making the argument that Spock and Uhura's interaction were not approached with romance in mind, therefore excluding it from the TOS canon.)))_

Spock then gets reports from everyone else, and talks with a random crewman about possibly punching a hole in the hand so they can shoot through it. You know, the usual.

Back on the planet, Apollo appears on his throne, this time with Carolyn by his side. Kirk and company are purposefully NOT facing him.

Apollo: "I know you're trying to escape me. It's useless. I know everything you do. I've tried to be compassionate towards your kind."

Now _that_ makes Kirk turn around and face him.

Kirk: "You know nothing about our kind, you know only our remote ancestors who trembled before your tricks. Your tricks don't frighten us, neither do you. We've come a long way in 5,000 years."

_(((You go on with your BAMF self, Kirk.)))_

Apollo insists that he can give and take life, so what else does man demand of their gods?

Kirk: "Man has no needs for gods, we find the one quite adequate."

_(((Hm, Kirk's a believer and Spock isn't. I wonder how those debates go…)))_

Apollo demands that they approach him and worship like any good pet.

Kirk quietly turns back around.

Apollo: "I said approach me!"

Kirk: "We're busy!"

_(((Really now, you don't get much more badass than that.)))_

As Apollo gets more agitated, Kirk then gives the go ahead for everyone to gang up on the god and shout insults, laugh, do whatever they can to piss him off. When Apollo goes to strike Kirk, Carolyn jumps in the way.

_(((You can't really blame her, she doesn't know about the plan.)))_

Carolyn then chides Apollo for his behavior while Kirk tries to get her out of the way.

_(((Poor Kirk, the chick is on a roll and he's all "If YOU could just MOVE it'd be COOL, no REALLY….PLEASE????")))_

She then pleads to Apollo to have mercy, and her fabulous blue eyes win him over. Apollo then orders for the rest of crew to beam down for the ship, and then after that he'll crush the ship itself.

_(((Hearing that last bit makes Kirk snap to particular attention._

_Silly god, don't you know that threatening Kirk's ship is just about the DUMBEST thing you could do? Why, the only thing worse than that would be to threaten Spock!_

……………………

…_I can say that because of _The Search for Spock_, so __**ha**__.)))_

Apollo and Carolyn vanish then. Well with Plan A out of the picture, all Kirk is left with is Plan B, which depends on Carolyn's loyalty and if they can't count on that then herding goats is definitely in their near future.

_(((Q: Who would pay big money to watch the crew of the Enterprise herd goats?_

_A: Everyone.)))_

Cut to Apollo and Carolyn, who have another ultimately romantic scene, with him offering an almost god-like status and a whole bunch of very enticing things.

Apollo: "You shall complete me, and I you."

_(((Funny, every time we hear something like that it always has a romantic meaning, and Roddenberry specifically described Kirk and Spock as being two halves that completed each other, and even Kirk himself referred to Spock as his 'nobler half' in _The Search for Spock_._

_Could that be at all relevant?_

………………

_Nah.)))_

Back from commercial, and Carolyn decides to drop in on Kirk and the gang.

Scotty: "What's happened to her?"

Kirk: "Scotty…I'll find out."

Chekov: "Perhaps if I assisted…"

Kirk: "How old are you?"

Chekov: "22, sir."

Kirk: "Then I'd better handle it."

_(((This is awesome because A. Shatner has a knack for this kind of blink-and-you'll-miss-it humor and B. I completely agree that, for the most part, 22 year old men don't know anything of anything when it comes to women.)))_

Kirk talks Carolyn, who is now completely smitten with Apollo, but Kirk immediately tries to bring her back down to reality because everybody's lives kind of depend on her a little bit. When she says that she doesn't want to break Apollo's heart, Kirk takes her hand and appeals to her pride as a human and her loyalty to her race.

_(((For once Kirk reasons with a woman and doesn't have to seduce her to do it. And hey look at that, it works!)))_

Even though she still doesn't want to hurt Apollo, she knows that she has to and goes off into the woods to do her duty.

Hey hey! The Enterprise finally gets through to the landing party!

Spock reports that the energy is coming from some sort of building, and it's pretty obvious that he means the throne so they coordinate a plan for the ship to fire at the throne on Kirk's command. Spock mentions that they'll need to keep a safe distance when the firing begins, but Kirk can't exactly promise that with so many variables.

Scotty: "Captain, we've got to wait until Carolyn comes back before we fire on the temple. We don't know what would happen to her if he were suddenly attacked. She might get killed!"

Kirk: "Yes, I know, I know, Scotty. We'll wait."

Cut to Apollo and Carolyn making out.

_(((Looks like you might have to wait a while there, cap'n.)))_

They come up for air, and Carolyn manages to break up with him, acting like he was just a specimen for her to study.

_(((Thanks to _Forgoten in Shadows_ for mentioning this little tidbit: During this scene, he's all 'But you loved me!' and she says (verbatim): "Love? Illogical."_

_It's interesting that someone who was __**actually**__ in love with someone else __**pretends**__ to dismiss it with the word __**'illogical.'**_

_Remind you of anyone?)))_

Apollo then invokes the godly right to throw a temper tantrum and whips up a wicked thunder storm.

Back with Kirk and company, they're all hanging out around the throne.

_(((This is a classic example of Kirk's particular brand of Sexy. Scotty, McCoy and Chekov are just standing, but Kirk is leaning up against a pillar with his foot propped up on it. Normally a stance like that wouldn't be terribly MMPH, but goddamn if he doesn't make it that way. No one can lean up against something like Captain Sexy Pants.)))_

Kirk puts Spock on standby to fire the ship's phasers.

Carolyn is attacked by the violent gust from a huge fan- I mean Apollo's wrathful winds. She sees Apollo…in the sky? Mostly see through? Coming towards her? Or is that just zooming in?

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk sends everyone to find cover and orders Spock to fire the phasers. Apollo gets there just in time to see his beloved throne start to turn red under the phaser's power. He tries to stop it with thunder bolts, but the Enterprise is far too badass for the likes of him and it reduces his precious throne to a pile of rubble.

_(((This happens by the throne just getting all wavy and literally transitioning to a shot where it's just rubble on the ground._

_Once again…Yay 60s.)))_

Apollo walks around the rubble, tears in his eyes, promising that he would have loved them like a father.

Kirk: "We've outgrown you. You asked for something we can no longer give."

_(((This Message of the Episode Has Been Brought To You By James Tiberius Kirk.)))_

Apollo: "Carolyn…I loved you. I would've made a goddess of you. I showed you my open heart."

_((That's a lot of relationship progress for a handful of __**hours**__.)))_

Apollo gets taller then and calls out to his fellow gods and goddesses for help, begging for forgiveness and asking to be 'taken.' He vanishes for the last time, but not before the sound guy puts an echo on his last word.

McCoy expresses regret for having to do things this way, and Kirk agrees, commenting on how the Greeks gave us much of the culture and philosophy that let us grow to this point. He wonders if it would have been really all that bad to serve Apollo for a little while.

_(((Despite the sparkly toga and other silly things, this is actually one of the more thought provoking episodes. It asks you to consider your worship and relationship with whatever god you consider holy. Shit like that is controversial _now_, I can hardly imagine how controversial it was back in 1967.)))_

End Of Episode!!!

* * *

**The Score of the Glittering Toga**

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Episodes Until Amok Time – 0 _(((…oh…mah…gawd…)))_


	34. 2x05 Amok Time

**Author's Note: **I could be telling you the meaning of life the universe and everything right now and you still wouldn't care right now.

I don't blame you. =P

Still, I'll mention stuff anyway.

There's a brand new promo for The Ship's Closet, my Spirk podcast/talk show, and you can find it here: http://www. youtube .com/watch?v=HbXuqle1TrI

The premiere is less than a week away, so spread the word! Woo!!!

P.S. – 'The Ship's Closet' is a reference to a documentary about purposeful gay subtext in film called The Celluloid Closet. 'Ship' could mean both the Enterprise and the K/S 'ship.' Yay double meaning.

P.P.S. – OMFG AMOK TIME IS HERE.

Let's rock out with our Kock out, bitches.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Five: Amok Time**

_(((This is the only time where I will insist that you watch the episode before reading this chapter. Chances are you already have, but just in case someone hasn't: Go find it. Try the CBS site (or Mininova if you want to download it).)))_

_(((In preparation for this chapter, I've covered my house in plastic so the squee clean up will be easier. I have also handcuffed, welded and chained my mind to the toilet to keep it from reeling out of control and hurting someone (namely me). I then barricaded the door with a large bookshelf and a moose. My cat is on guard duty. I should be okay._

………………

_Maybe.)))_

We join Kirk as he's climbing up a ladder to a floor of the Enterprise.

_(((Is the turbo lift on the fritz or something?)))_

Kirk starts down the hall but McCoy sees him and gets his attention.

McCoy: "It's Spock. Have you noticed anything strange about him?"

_(((How many times must I tell you, his ears are _supposed _to look like that.)))_

Kirk: "No, nothing in particular. Why?"

McCoy: "Well it's nothing I can pinpoint without an examination, but he's becoming increasingly restive. If he was not a Vulcan I'd almost say 'nervous.'"

_(((Restive: impatient_ _of control, restraint, or delay, as persons; restless; uneasy._

…_just thought someone might not know that that word meant. I totally did because I know everything about everything, I'm just saying...you know…::cough:: )))_

McCoy: "And for another thing, he's avoiding food. I checked, and he hasn't eaten anything at all in three days."

Kirk: "Well that just sounds like Mr. Spock in one of his contemplative phases."

_(((Kirk must honestly not think that anything is wrong, because we all know that he wouldn't blow something like this off.)))_

Chapel comes around the corner with a tray of food, sees Kirk and McCoy, and immediately pulls a 180 and tries to get the hell out of there. They've seen her though, and McCoy stops her, then has to stop Kirk when he tries to leave.

_(((Dear god, it's like herding cats around here.)))_

McCoy (to Chapel): "What's this?"

Chapel just kind of laughs nervously.

McCoy takes off the cover and sees a soup bowl.

McCoy: "Oh, Vulcan plomeek soup. And I'll bet you made it, too. You never give up hoping, do you?"

_(((Uh oh, someone still has a crush on Spock. Poor Chapel._

_The way McCoy says the last line is particularly interesting. It sounds like he thinks she should have given up a long time ago, and that the situation is, in fact, hopeless for her. Hm, I wonder why McCoy would think her infatuation with Spock was hopeless. _

_It's a loose connection, but still.)))_

_(((Kirk, by the way, seems only vaguely compelled by what's happening, and maybe just _slightly_ amused. Well it's not like he should feel threatened, he knows that Spock has zero interest in her.)))_

Chapel: "Well, uh, Mr. Spock hasn't been eating, doctor, and I just happened to notice."

_(((She really is endearing about the whole thing.)))_

McCoy: "It's all right. Carry on, Ms. Chapel."

Chapel goes to Spock's door, rings the buzzer, and goes inside.

Kirk tries to leave again.

Kirk: "Bones, I'm a busy man."

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: So Kirk is basically doing his best to pretty much blow off the whole thing. He doesn't seem worried at all, in fact he said himself that he hadn't noticed anything wrong. The only explanation is that Spock has been doing his best to act normal around him, because we know that (even if there was only a platonic thing going on) Kirk would never just ignore a problem with Spock unless he thought that there wasn't one to begin with. Not purely slashy, but it does clarify as to why exactly Kirk is acting so nonchalant…at least until he sees that there IS a problem, then it's a whole different ball game…)))_

McCoy: "Jim, when I suggested to Spock that it was time for his routine check up, your logical, unemotional first officer turned to me and said 'You will cease to pry into my personal matters, doctor, or I shall certainly break your neck.'"

Kirk: "Spock said that?"

_(((Now Kirk is a little more interested, and for obvious reasons.)))_

Suddenly we hear Spock yelling from inside his quarters.

Spock: "What is this?!?!"

His door opens and Chapel runs out, quickly followed by a flying bowl of soup that smacks into the far wall and clatters to the ground. Spock comes to the doorway.

Spock: "If I want anything from you, _I'll ask for it_!!!!"

_(((Vulcan needs a Midol.)))_

Spock sees Kirk and McCoy and he tries to reign himself in for a second. Kirk's expression is made of equal parts concern and OMGWTFBBQ.

_(((This should just about send your head spinning. We've seen Spock irritated, annoyed, frustrated, but we have never seen him this unabashedly PISSED OFF before. Something is seriously wrong.)))_

Spock: "Captain, I should like to request a leave of absence on my home planet. On our present course, you can divert to Vulcan with a loss of but 2.8 light days."

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: It's interesting to note, as a few people have pointed out, the contrast between Spock saying 'Bitch, if I want shit, I'll fucking ask for it, GAWD!!' to calming down and…asking Kirk for something he wants._

_Pure slash? No. _

_Still nifty, though.)))_

Kirk steps forward.

Kirk: "Spock…what the devil is this all about?"

_(((And why are we not flirting?)))_

Spock: "I have made my request, captain."

Spock's stern tone makes Kirk's face go even more o.O than it already had been.

Spock: "All I require from you is that you answer it, yes or no?!"

Spock's tone is downright rude, intense, and furious. He doesn't even wait for a reply, he just goes back into his room. Kirk tries to go after him, but the door closes before he can get to it. From the look on Kirk's face we know that _now_ he's worried.

Titles!

_(((Theodore Sturgeon, the guy who wrote _Shore Leave _and was notorious for gay subtext in his work, also wrote this episode._

_DC Fontana was the 'story consultant' for this episode. In fact, thanks to _Aelwydd, _I have a full list of every episode she had a hand in:_

_Charlie X  
Tomorrow is Yesterday (teleplay, story with Nathan Butler)  
This Side of Paradise  
Friday's Child  
Journey to Babel  
By Any Other Name (teleplay with Jerome Bixby)  
The Ultimate Computer (teleplay)  
The Enterprise Incident  
That Which Survives (under pseudonym Michael Richards)  
The Way to Eden (story with Arthur Heinemann)_

_Amok Time (story consultant)_

…_I think I can officially call Fontana a K/S fangirl.)))_

Back from titles, where shit gets interesting FAST. Kirk and Spock are in Spock's office, and both are standing. Spock is still highly agitated and he is most pointedly _not_ looking at Kirk, and he seems to be holding something sharp behind his back.

_(((I'll address the stylus in a second.)))_

Kirk: "All right, Spock, let's have it."

_(((Kirk's clear tactic at the top of the scene is to 'Captain' the truth out of Spock.)))_

Spock: "It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers. I do not wish-"

Kirk: "I'm more interested in your request for shore leave."

_(((So Spock automatically assumed that Kirk was talking about the incident with Chapel, which is a much more personal subject than his official request for shore leave. What's more, he was perfectly okay with talking about it._

_Kirk's not using the intimate approach right now, though, so he immediately redirected the conversation.)))_

_(((Also, I can't help but think that Sturgeon was referencing _Shore Leave_ with that line, even if it is a common term.)))_

Kirk: "In all the years that I've known-"

Spock: "You have my request, captain, will you grant it or not?"

Kirk just stares at Spock for a second.

_(((At this moment he's simply stunned with some concern mixed in. Spock has never spoken to him like this, never interrupted him like this, there's just something very _wrong_ and that's just baffling to him. Even when they flat out disagree about a course of action (which is rare, but still) Spock has never behaved like this, with such blatant anger/irritation/emotion.)))_

Kirk's tone is now particularly firm.

Kirk: "…In all the years that I've known you_-_"

_(((Translation: I'm going to freaking SAY what I was going to SAY and you're NOT going to INTERRUPT because I'm being all CAPTAINY right now, OKAY??)))_

Kirk: "-you've never asked for a leave of any sort. In fact you've refused them, why now?"

_(((Another could-be reference to _Shore Leave_.)))_

Spock: "Captain, surely I have enough leave time accumulated."

Kirk: "Agreed, but that isn't the question, is it?"

_(((Kirk isn't playing around, he's not gonna let Spock dodge this one.)))_

There's a moment of silence. Spock glances over at Kirk, his shoulders sag a little as if he's being deflated. He sits down.

_(((We very clearly see Spock knock off the agitated shit and go into more of a 'sulking' mode.)))_

Kirk: "If there's a problem of some sort, illness in the family."

_(((Kirk momentarily eases up on Captain mode a _little_.)))_

Spock: "No. Nothing of that nature, captain."

_(((But Spock still isn't giving an inch when it comes to a real answer.)))_

_(((Now we see a good close up of Kirk. His expression reads as concerned but his tone is now back to full Captain Mode. _

_He can afford to look concerned because Spock isn't looking at him, so his tough way of handling the situation isn't compromised.)))_

Kirk: "Then since we're headed for Altair VI and since the shore facilities there are excellent…"

Kirk starts heading for the door.

_(((Kirk knows exactly what he's doing and he's not giving an inch this time. He just played the 'If You Don't Tell Me Then I Can't Help You' card.)))_

Spock immediately stands up.

Spock: "No! I must-"

_(((Well look at that…it worked._

_Spock has been counting on Kirk turning a blind eye simply because he's Spock, and Kirk has now made it very clear that he's not going to let that happen this time.)))_

Spock's outburst brings another moment of silence. Spock reigns himself in yet again, and now Kirk is letting him see the concern on his face.

Spock: "I wish to take my leave on Vulcan."

_(((Now Kirk is completely out of Captain Mode.)))_

We see a wide shot of the two, and the angle is such that we see Spock still holding something thin and sharp in one hand behind his back. Kirk stares at Spock, still for a moment, then slowly crosses the room until he's standing right in front of him.

_(((This little shot has been one of my favorites of the episode since forever. It's so simple, and the caring and worry is so plain on Kirk's face, and just seeing Kirk approach him the way he does communicates perfectly that he's dropped the Captain bullcrap now and this is one of the times where we get a glimpse at just how much Kirk wants to know what's wrong with Spock._

_But that's not why you're about to freak out._

_Oh no._

_Not even close._

_Hold onto your minds._

_People have tried to explain why Spock is holding the stylus. Some say he's holding a phallic symbol, which doesn't really make sense because except for the fact that it's long it doesn't really look phallic (and if you've seen _What Are Little Girls Made Of_ you know this show is capable of phallic symbols when it wants to be). But some also say that he's trying to keep himself from jumping Kirk, and to that I say…_

_You're absolutely fucking right._

_And the first (of many) pieces of evidence just happened. In the wide shot, Kirk is still at first. Then the _instant_ he moves, we see Spock's hand (the one holding the stylus behind his back) twitch. Then as Kirk gets _closer_, Spock's hand starts _shaking_, and the shaking only gets worse when Kirk gets even closer, then stands in front of him._

"_But Brittany," I hear you ask, "Spock is in a crazed state, he has to keep himself from jumping _everybody_, not only Kirk!"_

…

_We shall see._

_In the meantime, I can hear my mind reeling in the bathroom…maybe I should have used a few more chains…)))_

Kirk: "Spock…I'm asking you: What's wrong?"

_(((Now Kirk is definitely appealing to him on a more intimate level. He's done playing the tough guy bullshit.)))_

Spock: "I need…rest. I'm asking you to accept that answer."

_(((It looks like Spock is done with the bullshit too, because he finally comes out and says 'I want to get my way and I need you to not ask why.')))_

Kirk nods, looks down, then steps to the desk and contacts the bridge to tell the helm to increase their speed. From where he's at, Kirk can now see that Spock is holding something behind his back (only now he's using both hands instead of just one, but only the audience knows this). When he's done with the bridge, Kirk looks at Spock for a moment before heading towards the door.

_(((That look, that moment of stillness, is just so…wonderful. On top of wondering that the hell has gotten into Spock, now Kirk has this sharp-thing-behind-Spock's-back to wonder about.)))_

Spock, during all of this, has stared straight ahead. and not. moved. a muscle.

Spock: "Thank you, captain."

His voice stops Kirk and turns around at the door.

Kirk: "I suppose most of us overlook the fact that even Vulcans aren't indestructible."

Kirk smiles reassuringly and leaves.

_(((This just in: Operation 'Try To Make It Seem Like Everything Is Okay With A Half Hearted Smile' fails miserably._

_A for effort though, Kirk.)))_

Spock arches an eyebrow.

Spock: "No…"

He looks at his shaking hand and has to use his free one to stabilize it.

Spock: "…we're not."

_(((Since we just watched him use one had to stabilize the other it's perfectly logical to assume that that's what he was doing when Kirk was making the call to the bridge._

_Which means that the shaking went like this during the scene:_

_-Kirk starts moving/Spock's hand twitches_

_-Kirk gets closer/Spock's hand trembles_

_-Kirk gets even closer and stands in front of him/Spock's hand is now fully trembling_

_-Kirk calls the bridge which still keeps him near Spock/Spock's shaking has gotten so bad that he needs to stabilize one hand with the other._

_It's a solid, steady progression, there's no getting around it._

…_and we're not even five and a half minutes into the episode.)))_

Cut to later, where Kirk is on the bridge. Uhura says that there's a message for Kirk from Starfleet, and he stands by his chair as it plays.

Starfleet Officer: "The captain USS Enterprise, Starfleet Sector 9. Inauguration ceremonies at Altair VI have been advanced seven solar days."

Kirk glances over at Spock for a second, he instantly knows what that means.

Starfleet Officer: "You're ordered to alter your flight plan as filed to accommodate."

Kirk now looks over at Spock and holds the stare while Spock is bent over the scanner, but not looking into it (he's in a position where he couldn't know that Kirk was watching him).

Starfleet Officer: "Order of Komack, Admiral of Starfleet Command. Acknowledge?"

Kirk breaks the stare to tell Uhura to acknowledge the message and orders Chekov to figure out what they need to do to get there on time.

Chekov: "We'll have to head directly there at, uh, warp six, sir. Insufficient time to stop at Vulcan."

_(((Either this is the first time I caught it, or this is the first time Chekov pronounces a V like a W. Regardless…it's adorable.)))_

Kirk gives the go ahead to do just that and he walks over to Spock, who straightens up.

Kirk: "Sailor's luck, Mr. Spock. Or, as one of Finega's Laws puts it: Any home port the ship makes will be somebody else's, not mine."

_(((Once again, Spock isn't looking at all.  
And once again, Kirk tries to make light of the situation, and pretty much fails to do it convincingly.)))_

Kirk: "The new President of Altair VI wants to get himself launched a week early, so we have to be there a week early."

_(((Kirk, at this point, does _not_ just tell Starfleet to go to hell because something's wrong with Spock, because he has no idea how serious Spock's situation is, or really much of anything. He doesn't just ignore orders at the drop of a hat, is the point.)))_

For maybe half a second, we see Kirk's casual attitude fade and his underlying worry come to the surface as he looks at Spock, but just as quickly as it peeked out, he tucks it back inside.

Kirk: "Don't worry, I'll see that you get your leave…as soon as we're finished."

Kirk could only keep it inside for a second though, because his eyes trail up Spock's body and to his face and now the outright concern is showing plainly.

_(((Holy goddamn son of a bitch HELL, Shatner is a mother fucking ACTOR. This is a classic, and _gorgeous_ example of a character's outer life betraying their inner life, only to make things even more complex in this case, the inner life pokes through and becomes the outer life, and Shatner pulls it off with such ease that it's almost frightening.)))_

Spock is still staring off with an uncommonly blank, dazed expression.

Spock: "I…quite understand, captain."

Cut to later. Kirk is lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, deep in thought.

_(((Oh my, Captain Sexy Pants, who are you thinking about all alone in your room with the lights down?)))_

He sits up and contacts the bridge, asking Chekov how late they would be to Altair VI if they went to Vulcan first.

_(((So Kirk was thinking about Spock then._

…

…………_that's one of the few things in this episode that isn't necessarily slashy, but damn if it isn't a good thing to see.)))_

Chekov doesn't really understand the question, because Spock has already had them change course for Vulcan, so…uh…::cough::

Cut to Spock on the bridge, bent over the scanner. We hear the turbo lift doors open.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock…"

Spock slowly stands up and looks over his shoulder to see Kirk standing at the turbo lift, hands on his hips.

_(((The tension and drama is just MMPH. Another fantastic shot.)))_

Kirk: "…come with me, please."

_(((OooooOOoooo, you're in troublllllleeeeee…)))_

Spock obeys, and joins Kirk in the turbo lift.

_(((The only thing missing from Spock's obedient trudging over to Kirk is a hung head. So cute.)))_

Kirk (to turbo lift): "Deck 5."

Kirk looks at Spock for a moment.

_(((The number of times Kirk looks at Spock with a sense of true and utter compassion and worry is way too many to count, and we only just got past the eight minute mark.)))_

Kirk: "You changed course for Vulcan, Mr. Spock. Why?"

At the word 'changed' Spock glances over, but then immediately returns to staring ahead.

Spock: "Changed the course?"

Kirk: "Do you deny it?"

Spock: "No, no by no means, captain. It is quite possible."

Kirk: "Then why'd you do it?"

Spock: "Captain, I accept on your word that I did it."

_(((Yay trust. =D )))_

Spock: "But I do not know why, nor do I remember doing it."

_(((Aaaaaaand it's time to keep Spock away from anything that makes anything else go 'boom.')))_

Now Kirk is wearing his 'WTF/worry' face. The turbo lift door slides open.

Spock: "Captain, lock me away."

_(((And the kinkier fangirls pause the episode to take a minute and really visualize that request.)))_

Spock: "I do not wish to be seen. I cannot, no Vulcan could, explain further."

_(((Keep that in mind.)))_

Kirk: "I'm trying to help you, Spock."

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: How the shit do I keep missing this? Remember _City on the Edge of Forever_, when Kirk talked about the guy who wrote a classic novel based on how 'let me help' is more romantic/loving/awesome than 'I love you?' Well here it is again, only now it's Kirk's turn to offer the help. Son of a WHORE this shit is romantic._

_EDIT as of 9/6/09 (later the same day): It's obviously not as direct as saying the exact words 'let me help' but it's still worth mentioning, I feel, because someone explicitly stating that they want to help someone else doesn't happen every episode.)))_

Spock: "Ask me no further questions, I will not answer."

_(((Whups, Spock's tone is agitated again.)))_

Kirk: "I order you to report to the sick bay."

Spock: "Sick bay?"

Kirk: "Complete examination. McCoy's waiting."

_(((Kirk's response to Spock getting forceful again was to go into Captain Mode and get forceful right back. "Oh, you won't accept my intimate concern? Fine then, I'll just go all Captainy on your ass.")))_

Kirk watches as Spock slowly exits the elevator, then turns around and looks back inside as the doors close.

_(((Spock looks so lost and torn and conflicted in that moment…guh, Nimoy simply **owns**.)))_

Now in the hall, Spock looks around and heads toward sick bay, almost taking a wrong turn on the way.

_(((It's a great clue into how much this whole thing is affecting him. How long has he been on the Enterprise? How smart is he? He knows the floor plan like nobody's business, and yet he almost took a wrong turn. This shit is serious.)))_

Spock arrives in sick bay, where McCoy is waiting.

McCoy: "Come in, Spock, I'm all ready for you."

Spock: "My orders were to report to sick bay, doctor. I have done so, and now I'll go to my quarters."

_(((Why Spock, you semantic bastard.)))_

McCoy gets right in Spock's way, because he is a BAMF.

McCoy: "My orders were to give you a thorough physical. In case you hadn't noticed, I have to answer to the same commanding officer that you do."

_(((Sneaky McCoy, reminding Spock that they both have to answer Kirk, and Kirk kind of ordered this so, you know…_do it_.)))_

McCoy puts a reassuring hand on Spock's arm.

McCoy: "C'mon, Spock, yield to the logic of the situation."

_(((Ooo yay, a dose of BAMF McCoy and Friend McCoy in less than ten seconds.)))_

Spock lies down on the examining table, and the camera zooms in on him nervously tapping the side of it.

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: It is definitely worth pointing out that Spock is _tapping_ here, not shaking. The difference in movement in an important distinction, and it's very much there. He has every reason to be nervous to, he's worried that McCoy will figure everything out and his secret won't be so secret anymore. Poor Vulcan is just stressed to the max.)))_

Cut to Chekov and Sulu at the helm.

Sulu: "How do you figure it, Chekov? First we're going to Vulcan, then we're going to Altair, then we're headed to Vulcan again, now we're headed back to Altair."

Chekov: "I think I'm going to get space sick."

_(((Only Chekov could deliver the line like that. =D _

_And woohoo, the first real bit between Chekov and Sulu!!! ::throws confetti:: )))_

Cut to Kirk's office. McCoy enters.

McCoy: "Jim, you've gotta get Spock to Vulcan."

Kirk starts to get up.

Kirk: "Bones, I will, I will. As soon as this mission is-"

McCoy: "No, now. Right away. You don't get him to Vulcan within a week, eight days at the outside, he'll die."

The camera zooms in just in case we didn't know that this news was dramatic.

McCoy: "He'll die, Jim."

Well _now_ he has Kirk's attention.

Kirk: "Why…must…he die? Why within eight days? Explain."

_(((At the top of the line, Kirk is searching for words, which shows how taken back he is by the new, incredibly high, stakes.)))_

McCoy: "I don't know."

Kirk shakes his head a little.

Kirk: "…you…keep saying that. Are you a doctor or aren't you?"

_(((Kirk finishes the line with strength, but that first 'you' is barely audible. Kirk clearly had to push through something to keep his Captainy momentum going._

……………………

_GUH.)))_

McCoy: "There's a growing imbalance of body functions. As if, in our bodies, huge amounts of adrenaline were constantly being pumped into our bloodstreams. Now I can't trace it down in my bio comps, Spock won't tell me what it is, but if it isn't stopped somehow, the physical and emotional pressures will simply kill him."

_(((We learn a lot about what Pon Farr physically does to Vulcans here, and it's no wonder Spock has been acting like Hulk Hogan on a 'roid rage._

_But note that nothing regarding anything sexual has been brought up yet.)))_

Kirk looks away.

Kirk: "You say you're convinced he knows what it is?"

McCoy: "He does. And he's as tight lipped about it as an Aldeberan Shellmouth."

_(((WHAT?!?! As tight lipped as Aldeberan Shellmouth?!! Why, that's just shocking!! Incredible!!! This situation is now so…much…more......yeah I have no idea what the hell that is.)))_

Kirk starts heading for the door.

McCoy: "No use to ask him, Jim, he won't talk."

But Kirk doesn't listen, he's not even phased, he just heads right out of his office.

_(((McCoy verbally says "It's no use, he won't say anything" and Kirk silently responds "We'll just fucking see about that."_

_Quite the calmly badass exit, actually.)))_

_(((McCoy's reaction to Kirk's exit is interesting. He's concerned, but it also looks like he's wondering exactly what Kirk is gonna _do_ to get Spock to talk._

…_and the kinkier fangirls pause the episode…)))_

Cut to Spock in his quarters. He's looking at his video monitor, where a picture of a young Vulcan girl is displayed.

_(((GASP, Pedo-Spock??!!?!_

_Calm down, it's not what you think. =P )))_

Spock doesn't regard the photo with any particular fondness, and after a moment his door buzzes.

Spock: "Come."

Kirk charges in with a brisk stride and waves for Spock to remain seated. Kirk comes to a stop on the other side of Spock's desk. Spock hangs his head.

_(((Keep on eye on the physical movement of this scene. Spock moves away from Kirk, Kirk gets closer, Spock moves away again, Kirk gets close again. It happens about four times, and it's another clue that Spock just can't seem to handle being close to Kirk right now...(thanks for the tip, _AlmightySeaKelp_) )))_

Kirk: "McCoy has given me his medical evaluation of your condition. He says you're going to die…unless something is done. What?"

Spock is silent.

Kirk: "Is it something only your planet can do for you?"

_(((Spock's problem is that he really, _really_ needs to have sex, but Kirk doesn't know that yet. _

_The obvious conclusion is that Kirk is asking if Spock can only get help on Vulcan because if he can do anything for Spock here, and therefore still obey Starfleet orders, he'd do it. What he doesn't know is that, in order to help Spock without stopping by Vulcan, they would have to, you know…mate._

_Kirk has no idea that he just inadvertently offered sex._

_Spock does, though.)))_

Spock goes to set the stylus down, and Kirk takes his hand roughly.

Kirk: "Spock."

Kirk feels Spock's hand shaking, realizes how unstable he is, and Spock pulls away.

_(((1. What the hell was Kirk planning to do with Spock's hand once he had it? He didn't know that Spock would be shaking……the mind can only reel._

_2. Spock was shaking in Kirk's presence a.g.a.i.n._

_3. In Vulcan terms, they were practically kissing. The human equivalent would be if their mouths were like an inch apart…no really…_

_4. My house is now covered in squee.)))_

Spock hangs his head even lower now.

_(((Well after an encounter like that I can imagine that eye contact would be the last straw before he jumped over the table and ravished Kirk right there on the spot._

………………………

……………………

_I can't believe that I wasn't even joking about that.)))_

Kirk: "You've been called the best first officer in the fleet. That's an enormous asset to me."

_(((He practically throws away the first line, and I would too, because it's bull. Even if I was only arguing that Kirk and Spock were friends it would be bull. We all know that he doesn't think Spock is an 'enormous asset' because he's a good first officer, and Kirk's gritty delivery of the second line alone hammers that point home._

_So then why didn't he just say, "You're a really close friend and you mean a lot to me" or something? Why bullshit if the truth is so innocent and friendly?_

……………

…_hold on, I think I need to add the TV to the barricade…)))_

Kirk: "If I have to lose that first officer, I want to know why."

_(((Again with the 'first officer' bull…)))_

Spock thinks for a moment, standing up and wringing his hands.

Spock: "It is a thing no outworlder may know…except those very few who have been involved."

_(((This leaves the door open for someone who is a race other than Vulcan to help out a Vulcan going through Pon Farr._

_How. Convenient.)))_

Spock: "A Vulcan understands, but even we do not speak of it among ourselves. It is a deeply personal thing. Can you see that, captain, and understand?"

Kirk: "No, I do not understand. Explain it. Consider that an order."

_(((Translation: I'm playing the Captain card because I **have** to know what's wrong with you.)))_

Spock: "Captain, there are some things which transcend even the discipline of the service."

_(((Translation: Tough shit.)))_

Kirk quietly walks over to Spock.

Kirk: "Would it help if I told you I'll treat this as totally confidential?"

That seems to finally push Spock into opening up, and he takes a stance that puts him facing the camera.

_(((You know when I told you to keep in mind how 'no Vulcan could explain further?' You know that thing that Spock just could not be able to explain to anyone because it's just not possible? That thing that Spock _just got done saying_ was deeply personal and goes _beyond_ a captain's orders?_

_Well he's about to explain it._

_To Kirk.)))_

Spock: "It has to do with…biology."

Kirk: "…What?"

This is clearly difficult for Spock to say, and for Kirk to 'get.'

Spock: "Biology."

Kirk stands side by side with Spock.

Kirk: "What kind of biology?"

Spock: "_Vulcan…biology._"

Kirk: "You mean…the biology…of Vulcans?"

_(((No, Kirk, the biology of mutated chickens. YES, VULCANS.)))_

Kirk: "Biology as in…reproduction?"

_(((The good people at _Star Trek_ would like for you to know that the word 'biology' exists.)))_

_(((I'm not exactly sure how you finally jumped from biology to reproduction, Kirk. Maybe it was ALL of SPOCK'S slight HINTS in his DELIVERY, but you look so damn adorable when you say it that I won't ask.)))_

_(((This entire exchange is just too funny, I don't care what the creepy music tries to tell you._

_Spock: "BIOLOGY." _

_Kirk: "Huh?"_

_Spock: "BI. OL. OG. Y."_

_Kirk: "So..like…biology?"_

_Hilarious.)))_

Kirk is a little speechless at first, then tries to play it off.

Kirk: "Well…there's no need to be embarrassed about it Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees."

_(((This is, what, the third time Kirk has tried to make light of something and failed?)))_

Spock: "The _birds_ and the _bees_ are not _Vulcans_, captain."

_(((Best. Line. Ever.)))_

Spock turns away.

Spock: "If they were, if any creature as proudly logical as us were to have their logic ripped from them as this time does to us……How do Vulcans choose their mates? Haven't you wondered?"

_(((Now why would you assume that **Kirk** would **wonder** about how **Vulcans** choose their **mates**?)))_

Kirk: "I guess the rest of us assume that it's done…quite logically."

Spock takes his seat again.

_(((And the look on Kirk's face right now is possibly my favorite of the entire episode. It's pained and concerned like he has been for most of the episode so far, but this time it's particularly present…to me, anyway.)))_

Spock: "No, it is not. We shield it with ritual and customs shrouded in antiquity."

_(((Spock doesn't seem to appreciate this particular aspect of his culture all that much.)))_

Spock: "You humans have no conception. It strips our minds from us, brings a madness which rips away our veneer of civilization." "

_(((Hey now, I think we have a conception of that kind of insanity. I don't know about you, but my veneer of civilization gets ripped away every time Hugh Jackman takes his shirt off. Srsly.)))_

Spock: "It is the Pon Farr, the time of mating."

_(((It's crucial to note that Pon Farr is defined as a time of mating, which means there's emphasis on the sexual aspect as opposed to the violence. It's a time of violent horniness, not horny violentness. It's an important distinction.)))_

Kirk sits in a chair on the other side of the desk.

Spock: "There are precedents in nature, captain. The giant eel birds of Regulus V, once each eleven years they must return to the caverns where they hatched. On your Earth, salmon, they must return to that one stream where they were born, to spawn…or die trying."

Kirk: "But you're not a fish, Mr. Spock, you're-"

_(((Thank you, Captain Obvious.)))_

_(((Hey hey, he found some light that isolates his eyes! Haven't seen that in a while.))) _

Spock: "No, nor am I a man. I'm a Vulcan. I'd hoped I would be spared this, but the ancient drives are too strong."

_(((The only thing we can assume is that he hoped he'd be spared Pon Farr because he's half human.)))_

Spock: "Eventually they catch up with us, and we are driven by forces we cannot control…to return home…and take a wife…or die."

_(((This is another bit of evidence that suggests Vulcans only have sex with those they're married too. Spock might be an exception, though, because he's half human.)))_

Kirk stands up, walks around the table, and leans up against the wall near where Spock is sitting. Spock simply hangs his head. All is quiet for a moment.

_(((And I mean _quiet._ Hell, even the MUSIC STOPS once Kirk gets up.)))_

_The dramatic/romantic/sexual tension is so damn rich you could live off of it for a month.)))_

Kirk lets out a sigh.

Kirk: "I haven't heard a word you've said…and…I'll get you to Vulcan somehow."

Kirk makes a quick and pointed exit during the line.

_(((OH._

_MY._

_GOD._

_WHAT._

_THE._

_FUCK._

_BAR._

_BE._

_QUE._

_Bits of this little section has been EDITED as of 9/6/09:_

_This is so fucking romantic I don't even know what to do with myself. Kirk goes mostly quiet once Spock says 'a time of mating,' only speaking up to throw out the 'fish' line. Other than that we see him listening to Spock, deep in thought. Kirk's behavior at the end of this scene is so quietly conflicted, so full of (dare I say it) angst that I even misinterpreted the 'I haven't heard a word you've said' line as mostly literal, instead of Kirk mentioning how he won't tell anyone. But the slash doesn't fly out the window, because the way the line was delivered still absolutely screams inner conflict and all of the stuff I just discussed, to the point where I completely mistook the text itself as being slash. (Thankfully the good people who read and review this pointed out my error. I love you guys.)_

_So why, exactly, is Kirk so facing so much conflict at this moment?_

_Well, we've already seen him react to the fact that Spock could die when McCoy told him, so that's not new information at this point, which means he's not reacting to it at this moment. In fact, the only new information about Spock's problem that's been introduced in this scene is that Spock literally _needs _to have sex. Well okay then, Kirk is clearly reacting to that news._

_So, if his good buddy Spock just needs to get laid, then…what's with the quiet, dramatic reaction? What's with practically fleeing the room before he's even done speaking?_

_Why would someone with a purely platonic interest in someone else behave this way in this situation?_

_Answer: They wouldn't._

_Kirk was going to have to take Spock to Vulcan because he knew that Spock would die otherwise, regardless of what the full details were. Finding out that he was gonna get laid while he was there wouldn't be a big deal for a friend to hear, and it certainly wouldn't be such a bomb drop that the friend would suddenly shut out all words and leave the room._

_Friends. don't. react. like. that._

_Would-be lovers do._

_We've seen it a million times in entertainment. Boy wants girl, girl has to be with somebody else, boy suffers in silence about it. Only this time it's two boys. The difference? There isn't one._

…_but wait, keep your mind in place for another paragraph before you let it reel off into oblivion._

_There's another reason why Kirk seems to be overwhelmed about hearing that Spock is going through a violent time of sexual urges._

_I think the good Captain Sexy Pants has figured out what Spock holding the stylus is all about._

……………………

_I know, my jaw dropped too._

_We have every reason to believe that this is true because Kirk has seen Spock shaking with the stylus in his hand twice already, but he had no context to put those actions into until now. They've been doing quite the flirty dance for over a season, but now Kirk has flat out proof that Spock is sexually attracted to him, and that's a huge fucking deal, especially since Kirk, you know, is sexually attracted to him right back._

_Hey, if I had just found out that the person I'm in love with needs to screw someone and they've been fighting back the urge to make that someone _me_, I think I'd be a little overwhelmed too._

_Also, don't forget that Spock dropped the word 'wife' on more than one occasion. Kirk is also dealing with the news that Spock will have to get married too._

……………………

………………

……………………………

_Shatner: "Uh, Gene? Leonard and I just read this week's script."_

_Roddenberry: "Good, huh?"_

_Shatner: "Well, normally you've woven it into the subtext and the plot's conflict, but now you have me running out of the room all dramatically conflicted when I find out Spock needs to get laid."_

_Roddenberry: "What are you saying?"_

_Shatner: "It's gayer than Elton John."_

_Roddenberry: "Nobody's figured that one out yet either."_

_Shatner: "…point taken.")))_

Cut to the bridge, where Uhura is contacted by Kirk and he tells her to get Admiral Komack of Starfleet on the line and transfer it to McCoy's office. Sulu and Chekov overhear this and Sulu recommends plotting a course to Vulcan, just in case.

_(((Yay, more Sulu/Chekov cuteness.)))_

Cut back to Spock's room, where he's trying to calm himself by playing the Vulcan lyre. Uhura contacts him from the bridge, but she barely gets out a word before Spock walks over and crushes the video monitor with his bare hand.

_(((SPOCK SMASH!!!)))_

_(((Apparently playing music doesn't help calm him down too much, and since he just had that scene with Kirk, I can totally understand that.)))_

Cut to McCoy's office, where Kirk is talking via video monitor to Admiral Komack, who is doing his absolute to best to look as "YARRR, I BE A MILITARY ADMIRAL" as possible.

Komack: "Captain, you're making a most unusual request."

Kirk: "I know that, sir, but it's of the utmost importance. You must give me permission to divert to Vulcan."

Komack: "But you refuse to say why it is so important?"

Kirk: "I can't, sir, but believe me I wouldn't make such a request if-"

Komack: "The Altair VI is no ordinary matter."

_(((Neither is a super horny Spock, sir.)))_

Komack: "That area is just putting itself together after a long interplanetary conflict. This inauguration will stabilize the entire Altair system. Our appearance there is a demonstration of friendship and strength that will cause ripples clear to the Klingon Empire."

Kirk and McCoy trade grim 'oh crap' expressions.

Kirk: "Sir, the delay would be at most a day. I can hardly believe that-"

Komack: "Kirk, you will proceed to Altair VI as ordered. Subject is closed, you have your orders. Starfleet out."

The transmission is cut.

McCoy: "Well, that's that."

_(((Yup, orders are orders I guess.)))_

Kirk: "No, it's not."

_(((…or not…)))_

Kirk: "I know the Altair situation. We would be one of three starships. Very impressive, very diplomatic, but it's simply not that vital."

McCoy: "You can't go off to Vulcan against Starfleet orders, you'll be busted-"

Kirk: "I can't let Spock die can I, Bones?"

_(((And all together now: Awwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!)))_

_(((I love how he just sort of blurts it out, you could almost say he snapped at McCoy. McCoy's reaction shot is interesting too, like 'Oh yeah, you really freaking care about him…whups…')))_

Kirk: "And he will, if we go to Altair. I owe him my life a dozen times over, isn't that worth a career?"

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: So this is a bigger deal than I gave it credit for. Kirk is willing to lose his career, meaning his rank as a Captain and the Enterprise herself, for Spock. So really, when you think about, _The Search for Spock _is just a touch redundant. XD_

_What was that about Kirk's true love being the Enterprise? Bullshit? _

_Afraid so.)))_

Kirk: "He's my friend."

_(((::cough:: covering your ass for the censors ::cough:: )))_

_(((So about the whole 'friend' thing in general: I'm gonna do my best to spare you the history lesson, but back before the term 'homosexual' or 'bisexual' existed, men referred to men they loved as 'friends' and 'brothers' because there was no other word in the English language that they could use. Even after the term came around, do you think guys could just walk around talking about their lovers? Not a chance (sadly). Instead they had to call each other 'friends' and such to keep it on the down low. _

_During TOS the term 'friend' is actually somewhat accurate because they're not in a romantic relationship…yet. But when Kirk and Spock refer to each other as 'friends' or 'brothers,' it is not, by any means, solid proof that their relationship is purely platonic. _

_The creation of the word t'hy'la solidifies that claim, since it makes friend/brother/lover seemingly interchangeable, which would mean that (in the movies) whenever they say 'friend' or 'brother' it's just a veil for saying lover…and a thin one at that._

_There's also this whole thing with Walt Whitman and how he went to great (and detailed) lengths to very cleverly hide his homoerotic meanings in his work…but that's another story.)))_

Kirk then contacts Chekov on the bridge and tells him to head for Vulcan. Chapel (who's been eavesdropping on the conversation) is super excited to hear that Spock isn't gonna die and gleefully leaves sick bay.

Chekov has already plotted a course for Vulcan like a good little officer, and Kirk cuts the transmission. Kirk and McCoy trade grim looks once again.

Cut to Spock's quarters. Spock is napping with his back to the camera.

_(((One more time with feeling: Awwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!)))_

Chapel walks up to him, goes to wake him up, but then decides against it and starts to leave.

Spock: "Ms. Chapel?"

_(((Uh oh, you've been caught with your hand in the Vulcan jar!)))_

Chapel: "Yes, Mr. Spock?"

Spock sits up.

Spock: "I had a most startling dream. You were trying to tell me something."

Chapel has a tear running down her cheek.

_(((Poor woman, I know how she feels. Unrequited love blows like Paris Hilton on a Friday night._

…_or like Spock whenever Kirk asks for it. HEY-OOOO!!!)))_

Spock: "But I couldn't hear you."

Spock stands up, politely declining her offer to help.

_(((Notice his hands. They're not shaking. At all.)))_

Spock: "It would be illogical for us to protest against our natures. Don't you think?"

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: _SpirkTrekker42_ and others have elaborated on the meaning of this line, and I realized that it needs proper examination._

_At first I thought he was specifically referring to both he and Chapel's natures, but come to think of it that wouldn't make sense on Chapel's end because she's not the one who's going against her nature. Well if he's not referring to both of them specifically, then he must be speaking in general, referring to how illogical it is for _people_ to protest _their_ natures. Looking at it that way, then it becomes a reference to Spock's nature alone, and it makes sense. In his own round-a-bout Vulcan way he just told her 'I'm not going to act like I have any romantic interest in you because that wouldn't be fair to either of us.')))_

Chapel: "I…don't understand."

_(((I just explained it, Chapel, PAY ATTENTION.)))_

Spock wipes the tear from her face.

_(((Still no shaking hands.)))_

Spock: "Your face is wet."

_(((That ain't the only wet place, Spock darling.)))_

Chapel: "I came to tell you that we're bound for Vulcan. We'll be there in just a few days."

Spock nods in acknowledgement.

Spock: "Vulcan…"

_(((Hmmm…Spock doesn't seem too thrilled about going to Vulcan, where he'll get married and nail his wife until his lust is satiated…because that's….you know…an awful situation…and stuff…)))_

Spock: "Ms. Chapel?"

Chapel: "My name is Christine."

_(((Check the hands, steady as the beating drum._

…………………

………………………

_Yes, I just referenced _Pocahontas_._

_Deal with it.)))_

Spock: "Yes I know, Christine. Would you make me some of that plomeek soup?"

_(((Aw, he's throwing her a well-meaning bone and sort of apologizing for earlier. How sweet, in kind of a sad way.)))_

Chapel: "Oh, I'd be very glad to do that, Mr. Spock."

_(((Seriously, my heart goes right out to her. I love Chapel.)))_

Chapel leaves. We then see an eight second shot of Spock as he thinks. His hands are out in front of him, and they're not shaking in the slightest.

_(((So Chapel, whom Spock doesn't want, doesn't make his hands shake at all (not even when he _touches_ her), but Kirk makes him shake so badly that he has to grip a stylus and hold one hand to steady the other, and they haven't even come in physical contact yet. _

_This shows two very important things:_

_Spock doesn't just want to jump just anyone or anything._

_The contrast between his lack of control with Kirk and his complete control with Chapel knees you in the groin and calls your mom a dirty word.)))_

Transition to a few days later. The BAMF Trio get on a turbo lift and head for the bridge.

Spock: "It's obvious that you've surmised my problem, doctor, my compliments on your insight."

_(((It's nice how Spock assumes that McCoy figured out what's going on because he's smart and not because Kirk may have broken his word and told him. It compliments both McCoy's intelligence and Kirk's discretion at the same time, even if Spock wasn't aware of it.)))_

Spock: "Captain, there is a thing that happens to Vulcans at this time. Almost an insanity which you would no doubt find distasteful."

Kirk: "Will I? You've been most patient with my kinds of madness."

_(((::spews out tea:: WHAT THE SLASH?!?!_

_So Kirk knows about Pon Farr, and the whole 'get some or die' thing. Spock says "Hey, so I'm about to go REALLY crazy, it'll probably disgust you' and Kirk instantly comes back with 'Oh you THINK so, huh?' like the idea of Spock in a state of sexual frenzy isn't half bad._

_And THEN he says that Spock has been 'patient' with his 'kinds of madness.'_

_With the way the line is delivered, Kirk is relating his 'madness' to Spock's. Spock's madness is sexual, and apparently Kirk's is too._

_Long story short: Kirk just said 'I put up with your intense sexual urges, you put up with my shameless flirting, it's about even.'_

…_hold on, I've gotta drag the couch in front of the bathroom door before the mind gets out…I think it just broke the mirror in there…)))_

Spock: "Then…would you beam down to the planet surface and stand with me? There is a brief ceremony."

_(((You know, I think Spock just played a typically female tactic (pretending something is bad because then if the other person agrees with its badness then you're safe, but if the other person disagrees then that leaves the door open to ask the real question you had in your head all along)._

"_So I'm gonna go through this thing and it'll be uber awkward and you'll probably be so disgusted that you won't be able to stand it, right?…oh you don't mind it? Then you'll like totally come with me to Vulcan! ::giggle::"_

_If Spock was Quinn Morgendorffer, ladies and gentlemen.)))_

Kirk: "Is it permitted?"

Spock: "It is my right. By tradition, the male is accompanied by his closest friends."

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: A couple of people have mentioned this, and it too fascinating to not mention – This line from Spock proves that Vulcans can have friends…which means Spock's line in _The Naked Time_ about being ashamed when he 'feels friendship' for Kirk makes even less sense than it already did, unless of course he wasn't literally talking about friendship…)))_

Kirk looks away.

Kirk: "Thank you, Mr. Spock."

_(((Well you don't look disappointed at being defined as his 'friend' at all, Kirk._

_Not. at. all.)))_

There's a few moments of silence. Spock seems to remember that McCoy is in the turbo lift too and turns to him.

Spock: "I…also request McCoy accompany me."

McCoy: "I shall be honored, sir."

_(((Inviting McCoy looks like a complete and total after thought on Spock's part. Not that he and McCoy aren't friends, I'm just telling you what happened.)))_

Kirk smiles at this and they enter the bridge.

_(((He seems to like it when they get along. You know how you always want your friends to get along with your significant other? That's what it reminds me of.)))_

The BAMF Trio all stand in a line as Kirk makes a formal request to Vulcan to enter their standard orbit. The request is granted and, when it's established that Spock is present, the Vulcan they've been talking to tells them to flip on their viewing screen and wait a second. Chapel decides to join the fun.

A pretty female Vulcan pops up on the viewing screen.

Vulcan Lady: "Spock, it is I."

Spock: "T'Pring. Parted from me, and never parted. Never, and always, touching and touched. We meet at the appointed place.

_(((My, that's a lovely greeting. So lovely, in fact, that I made a K/S wallpaper out of it. You can see it here if you'd like: http://conceptjunkie124. deviantart .com/art/Kirk-Spock-Always-135008019)))_

T'Pring repeats the greeting and says she's waiting.

Uhura: "She's lovely, Mr. Spock, who is she?"

Spock: "She is T'Pring…my wife."

Everybody looks over at Spock with understandably 'dowhatnow?' expressions.

Back from commercial, where the BAMF Trio beams down to Vulcan. Long story short: Vulcan = Mars + Glittery sand.

They look around for a few seconds, and Spock leads them to a little arena-esque looking place.

Spock: "This is the land of my family. It has been held by us for more than 2,000 Earth years. This is our place of koon-ut-kal-if-fee."

Spock wanders to the center of the place while Kirk and McCoy hang back.

McCoy: "He called it koona what?"

Kirk: "He described it to me as meaning 'marriage' or 'challenge.' In the distant past Vulcans killed to win their mates."

_(((So then you've been talking to Spock about Vulcan over the past few days, eh? Damn this show and its one hour time limit…)))_

McCoy: "They still go mad at this time."

Spock is at the center of the place, where he's getting ready to ring a very morbid looking gong.

_(((Seriously, the thing is shaped like a coffin.)))_

McCoy: "Perhaps the price they pay for having no emotions the rest of the time."

Kirk admires his surroundings.

_(((Which does not include Spock, for a change.)))_

Kirk: "Lovely. Wish the breeze were cooler."

McCoy: "Yeah, 'hot as Vulcan,' now I understand what that phrase means."

Kirk: "And the atmosphere is thinner than Earth."

Spock finally gets his butt in gear and hits the gong.

_(((I don't get it, Spock is Speedy Gonzales with captain Pike's clunky cart, but you put a gong mallet in his hand and suddenly he's swimming in molasses. Must be the Pon Farr. o.O )))_

McCoy: "I wonder when his T'Pring arrives."

Spock makes his way back over to the boys.

Spock: "The marriage party approaches. I hear them."

Kirk: "Marriage party? You said T'Pring was your wife."

_(((What's with the almost-grin, Kirk? You have no reason to be grinning right now._

_..unless you're happy to hear that Spock isn't completely married._

…_or maybe you just can't help but flirt when you know that Spock's hormones are in overdrive.)))_

Spock: "By our parents' arrangement. A ceremony, when we were but seven years of age. Less than a marriage, but more than a betrothal. One touches the other in order to feel each other's thoughts. In this way, our minds were locked together-"

_(((Does anyone else hear that? I mean, other than the kind of annoying wind chime. Are those… little bells?)))_

Spock: "-so that, at the proper time, we would both be drawn to koon-ut-kal-if-fee."

Kirk is fascinated, still with the slightest of grins. McCoy is simply listening. Now the bell jingling is so loud that it draws the trio's attention. They stare at an archway. The bells get louder.

_(((Is it Santa? The White Witch? WHAT???!!)))_

They wait. Spock rings the gong again. A Vulcan procession rounds the corner and enters the arena, led by a couple of dudes holding coffin-shaped things with a bunch of little ceremonial bells on them…we shall call them Boris and Natasha.

_(((Get used to that sound, there's a whole lot of bell in the next ten minutes.)))_

_(((Again with coffin shapes? Are they Tim Burton fans? Wtf?)))_

_(((All I can say about the outfits is this: Yay 60s.)))_

The procession continues and an elderly woman comes into view.

Kirk: "Bones, you know who that is?"

McCoy shakes his head.

Kirk: "T'Pau. The only person to ever turn down a seat on the Federation council."

_(((Hi, Kirk, Vulcan obsessed much?)))_

_(((I must say, I like how Kirk is the one to tell McCoy about everything. He could also have the nickname Captain Sexy Brain and it would be quite accurate.)))_

McCoy: "T'Pau officiating at Spock's wedding?"

Kirk: "He never mentioned that his family was this important."

_(((I do declare, Kirk, you look a touch impressed.)))_

The guards set down T'Pau and her little throne, and she throws up the traditional Vulcan hand greeting. Spock returns the greeting.

_(((Woohoo! The first classic Vulcan hand sign! I believe Nimoy himself came up with it, too._

_Meanwhile Boris and Natasha finally give the bells a rest, but there's still a tambourine going, thanks to the show's soundtrack, and when that's not happening there's that wind chime…I might go crazy.)))_

T'Pau mind melds with Spock right quick to make sure he's all good and Pon Farred out before they continue. When she's done, Spock straightens up.

T'Pau: "Spock…are our ceremonies for outworlders?"

Spock: "They are not outworlders, they are my friends. I am permitted this."

T'Pau waves Kirk and McCoy over. We get a brief shot of T'Pring looking over Kirk.

_(((No, not in that way.)))_

Spock: "This is Kirk."

_(((Hm, I don't think we've ever heard Spock refer to Kirk as, well, Kirk. It's always either Captain (formal) or Jim (emotional). On a rare occasion there is 'Captain Kirk' but then that goes back to formal. 'Kirk' seems to be land right in the middle of that, don't you think?)))_

Kirk: "Madam."

There's a moment of silence as T'Pau looks over Kirk, then notices McCoy.

T'Pau: "And ye are called?"

McCoy: "Leonard McCoy, ma'am."

_(((First of all, I love that McCoy says "ma'am." Too cute._

_Second of all, Spock immediately introduced Kirk to T'Pau, but then just kind of _completely freaking forgot_ to introduce McCoy. What point was there for the writers to do that? Why not just have Spock introduce both in one breath? It's another hint that Kirk's presence at this thing is just a little more important than McCoy's_

_Again, I'm not bashing McCoy or belittling their friendship (you know I'd never do that), I'm just telling you what happened and what that suggests to the audience._

_EDIT as of 9/6/09: Also note that T'Pring brought Stonn, her lover, and Spock brought Kirk. Okay, so McCoy is there too but we've seen two instances now where Kirk's presence is more prominent in Spock's mind than McCoy's. Yay parallels.)))_

T'Pau: "Ye call these outworlders friends? How does ye pledge their behavior?"

Spock: "With my life, T'Pau."

Kirk looks over at McCoy with a 'hey that's kinda neat' expression.

T'Pau: "What ye are about to see comes down from the time of the beginning."

_(((The pilot episode?)))_

T'Pau: "Without change. This is the Vulcan heart, this is the Vulcan soul, this is our way. THIS!!! IS!!! SPARTA!!!!"

T'Pau kicks Spock down a bottomless pit in slow motion.

_(((…………………._

…………

…_so that last bit obviously didn't happen……but damn can you imagine?_

……

_Blame 300 and its greatness.)))_

T'Pau: "Kalifa!"

_((('Kalifa' apparently means 'ring the bells like you're a mute trying to tell someone you're in pain' because Boris and Natasha let 'em rip.)))_

Spock makes his way back to the gong and goes to give it a good ol' smack once again, but T'Pring gets in his way.

T'Pring: "Kal-if-fee!"

Boris and Natasha cut out the bell shit.

_(((Well **someone** sure doesn't like the bells...)))_

Big booming music tells us that something important is happening, but fuck all if we know what it is.

_(((We're in the same boat as Kirk and McCoy at this point, we have no clue what's going on.)))_

Spock doesn't look too happy about this, and starts walking back to T'Pau. A big guy who is apparently really cautious about protecting his nose and mouth from inhaling diseases gets in his way, and as a response to this Spock drops the gong mallet and walks off.

_(((Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.)))_

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: _spooky-fbi_ pointed out this interesting sequence of events that just happened: Spock gets rejected by T'Pring, Spock tries to walk over to either T'Pau or Kirk, Spock gets cut off, Spock goes into Plak Tow._

_Now first of all, why the crap did the guard dude cut off Spock anyway? The last time he cut someone off was Stonn, but that's because he wouldn't shut up and Spock isn't exactly Chatty Kathy right now._

_Secondly, what the hell kind of response to being kept from approaching someone is that? "Whups, can't walk over there, think I'll fall into the most intense stage of Pon Farr now." I mean _what_?! Something had to have triggered that, yes? Yes._

_Here's a scenario that makes sense (thanks again for the tip, _spooky-fbi_):_

_-Spock gets rejected by T'Pring, therefore denying him sex._

_-Spock starts walking to Kirk, whom he's been trying to _not_ jump the entire episode, because now that T'Pring is out of the picture, Kirk is the next one in line for a little Vulcan lovin'._

_-Beefy guard dude cuts Spock off because business isn't quite done as far as ancient rituals is concerned and he can't let him run off ( T'Pau said earlier that the guard will act if cowardice is shown. I know I said she mumbled, which is what I heard at the time, but that's what she actually says.)_

_-Realizing that now Spock has no potential mate to satiate the Pon Farr, this plunges him into Plak Tow._

_Now, it's true, Kirk is only standing a little off to the side of where Spock would have to walk to get to T'Pau, but when the guard cuts him off, we see that he looks at Kirk, and his expression is one of surprise and 'wait, I can go to him either? FUCK.' _

_Then we get an interesting reaction shot of T'Pau squinting her eyes. Uh oh, someone's been found out._

_Spock's only choice, after all of that, is to surrender to Plak Tow._

_All of this almost sounds too good to be true…but then again this whole damn episode is too good to be true and yet here it is. _

_ I can't think of any other reasoning behind this detailed sequence (slashy or non slashy) that would explain it, and if you change even one thing then it doesn't make sense. If Spock was walking to T'Pau, why would being denied her council send him into Plak Tow? If he was heading to Kirk but wasn't planning on requesting that they become bond mates, then why did he react the way he did, and why did it send him into Plak Tow? Hmm…)))_

Spock touches his fingertips together and seems to go into a bit of a trance-like state.

Kirk looks around.

Kirk: "What is it, what happened?"

_(((The way he says that just makes me smile every time, I can't even explain why, you have to hear it for yourself after all of that dramatic build up. Shatner = Love.)))_

T'Pau: "She chooses the challenge."

McCoy points at the big dude that got in Spock's way a second ago.

McCoy: "With him?"

T'Pau shakes her head.

T'Pau: "He acts only if powshafhewr."

_(((She mumbled.)))_

T'Pau: "She will choose her champion."

_(((Oh oh, can we sing the Queen song afterwards?!? ::bounces::)))_

Kirk looks around, then takes a step in Spock's direction.

Kirk: "Spock-"

T'Pau: "Do not attempt to speak with him, Kirk. He is deep in the Plak Tow, the blood fever. He will not speak with thee again until he has passed through what is to come."

_(((Did…did the high ruler of Vulcan just make a dirty pun?)))_

T'Pau: "If ye wishes to depart, ye may leave now."

It takes Kirk about 2.3 seconds to decide.

Kirk: "We'll stay."

T'Pau: "Spock chose his friends well."

McCoy: "Ma'am, I don't understand. Are you trying to say that she rejected him, that she doesn't want him?"

T'Pau: "He will have to fight for her. It is her right."

_(((So that's a 'yes' then?)))_

T'Pau: "T'Pring, ye has chosen the Kal-if-fee, the challenge. Ye are prepared to become the property of the victor?"

_(((And every woman in the audience sticks their tongue out at the screen.)))_

T'Pring: "I am prepared."

Boris and Natasha then shake the bells to remind people that they are, in fact, present and they do, in fact, still have the bells.

_(((Thank god, I was worried there for a second that we might actually have _silence_.)))_

T'Pau: "Spock, doth ye accept the challenge according to our laws and customs?"

Spock nods, Boris and Natasha have another outburst.

Kirk lowers his voice and speaks to McCoy.

Kirk; "You think Spock can take him?"

McCoy: "I doubt it, not in his present condition."

T'Pau: "T'Pring, thou will choose thy champion."

T'Pring starts stepping forward.

_(((Hey T'Pring? Every ice skater that ever lived called, they want their tights back.)))_

T'Pring: "As it was in the dawn of our days, as it is today, as it will be for all tomorrows…"

_(((These are the Days of Our Lives._

_::cue hour glass:: )))_

T'Pring: "I make my choice."

Cut to Kirk standing in a way that only Captain Sexy Pants himself can make look good.

T'Pring points at him.

T'Pring: "This one!"

_(((WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?)))_

A random Vulcan dude named Stonn steps forward instantly.

Stonn: "No, I am to be the one. It was agreed."

T'Pau: "Be silent."

Stonn: "I have made the ancient claim. I have claimed the right, the woman is-"

T'Pau: "Kroykah!!!"

_(((Translation: BITCH ARE YOU STILL TALKIN???!!?!)))_

The beefy guard puts his absolutely not-fake looking weapon in between Stonn and T'Pring to shut him up.

Boris and Natasha ring in the dramaticness of it all.

_(((OKAY guys, REALLY. You can KILL the BELLS now.)))_

Stonn: "I ask forgiveness."

T'Pau (to Kirk): "T'Pring is within her rights, but our laws and customs are not binding on ye. Ye are free to decline with no harm on thyself."

_(((Oh my, a Get Out of Vulcan Free card?)))_

T'Pau goes to the center of the arena. Spock approaches her and speaks in a very soft, raspy voice.

Spock: "T'Pau…"

T'Pau: "He speaks?"

_(((WHOA, Spock is speaking even though it's been specifically expressed that he should not be physically able to do so until the Plak Tow has passed?_

_He must have something awfully important to say.)))_

Spock: "My friend…does not understand…"

T'Pau: "The choice has been made, Spock. It is up to him now."

Spock: "He does not know."

_(((Know what? WHAT?!?!)))_

Spock: "I will do what I must, T'Pau…but not with him. His blood does not burn."

_(((Well you're not near him right now, of course his blood isn't burning._

……………

_Couldn't resist.)))_

Spock: "He is my friend."

T'Pau: "It is said thy Vulcan blood is thin. Are ye Vulcan, or are ye human?"

_(((Whoa…harsh.)))_

Spock: "I burn, T'Pau…my eyes are flame…my heart is flame…thee has the power, T'Pau…in the name of my fathers…forbid….forbid! T'Pau…I plead with thee…I beg."

_(((So Spock just dragged himself up from the depths of Plak Tow to literally _beg_ T'Pau to let Kirk off the hook. That's fucking HUGE, and another testament to how far Spock can push himself when Kirk is on the line._

_All we know right now is that they're supposed to fight for T'Pring, which isn't TOO bad, so we're not really sure why Spock went through all of that.)))_

T'Pau: "Ye has prided thyself on thy Vulcan heritage. It is decided."

The big dramatic drum music starts.

_(((So that's a 'no' to the 'let Kirk go' thing, then?)))_

Kirk steps forward.

Kirk: "What happens to Spock if I decline?"

T'Pau: "Another champion will be selected. Do not interfere, Kirk. Keep thy place."

_(((Okay wait, so Spock dragged himself up from the depths of Plak Tow to literally _beg_ to keep Kirk out of it…when Kirk hadn't even accepted the deal yet? Spock did all of that simply because the OFFER was made?_

_Holy. Bell._

_I mean 'hell.'_

…_stupid Boris and Natasha…)))_

Speaking of the dastardly duo, they decide to take a few laps around T'Pau and make some noise as Kirk and McCoy discuss his current options.

McCoy: "You can't do it, Jim."

Kirk: "I can't?"

McCoy: "No. She said that their laws and customs were not binding on you."

Kirk: "And you said that Spock might not be able to handle him. If I can knock Spock out without really hurting him-"

McCoy: "In this climate? If the heat doesn't get you, the thin air will."

_(((McCoy has weighed in, and told Kirk not to fight. T'Pau, high leader of the Vulcans, has told Kirk not to fight. Kirk has a complete and 100% legitimate way out of this. If it's Spock vs another Vulcan, Spock is in trouble. If it's Spock vs. Kirk, Kirk is in trouble._

_Hmmm…)))_

And then a dramatic montage breaks out. We see ceremonial bells, then a crazy angled shot of T'Pau, then T'Pring, then Kirk, McCoy, bells, crazy angle of T'Pau, bells, smoldering embers, bells SpockT'PauembersSpockarena DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.

And back to Kirk and McCoy.

McCoy: "You can't do it."

Kirk: "If I get into any trouble I'll quit, and Spock wins and honor is satisfied."

McCoy: "Jim, listen, if you-"

Kirk: "Bones, he's my first officer, my friend. I disregarded Starfleet orders to bring him here. Another thing, that's T'Pau of Vulcan. All of Vulcan in one package. How can I back out in front of her?"

_(((And, and the people with bells were looking at me funny, and the glittery sand is stupid, and maybe if I win I'll get to ring the gong, so see I have plenty of reasons to try and protect Spock that don't include my overwhelming and unabashed love for him, see? Yes? Right? McCoy, why are you shaking your head at me?)))_

_(((…I believe I made my point.)))_

Boris and Natasha get tired (FINALLY) and give the freaking bells a rest.

T'Pau: "It is done."

_(((Wait, what? What's done? The Great Ceremonial Bell Revival of 2456.7?)))_

T'Pau: "Kirk, decide."

Kirk: "I accept the challenge."

T'Pau: "Here begins the act of combat for possession of the woman T'Pring. As it was at the time of the beginning, so it is now. Bring forth the lirpa."

A couple of guards bring both Spock and Kirk a weapon that's kind of axe like but not. It is made out of real wood and metal and does not look the slightest bit fake or painted. Not at all.

T'Pau: "If both survive the lirpa, combat will continue with the ahn-woon."

_(((Oh dear god I apologize for the butchered spelling of Vulcan lingo.)))_

Kirk: "What do you mean if both survive?"

T'Pau: "This combat is to the death."

_(((Uh…whups?)))_

_(((So back when Spock spoke through the Plak Tow and talked about how Kirk 'doesn't know', he was talking about how the fight was to the death, and that's why he found it in himself to speak up and try to beg T'Pau to withdraw the offer._

_So it's not just Kirk doing all of the protecting in this episode, folks.)))_

Kirk: "Now wait a minute, ma'am, who said anything about a fight to the death?"

_(((Kirk just said ma'am. _

…_heeheeheeheehee…)))_

McCoy: "These men are friends, to force them to fight 'til one of them is killed.."

T'Pau: "I can forgive such a display only once."

A guard then pops in to hold his weapon up to McCoy's throat and subsequently shuts him up.

T'Pau: "Challenge was given…and lawfully accepted."

_(((Translation: No takesies backsies.)))_

T'Pau: "It has begun. Let no one interfere."

And thus the fight begins. The first casualty? Kirk's shirt.

_(((Hey hey!! We haven't seen a torn shirt in a looooooong time. =D_

_I can't help but wonder if they could have chosen a less…uh…_hilarious_ place to put the rip though. Across his chest? Really, Star Trek? His nipples are getting more attention than the uber epic Kirk and Spock fighting to the death thing, for chrissake._

…_I'm not complaining, though…)))_

They fight…sometimes it's stunt doubles which you should be used to by now…Spock breaks the coffin gong…Kirk manages to knock Spock's weapon out of his hand and pin him down and the fangirls pause the episode for a little while…Spock gets the upper hand and almost splits Kirk's head in two…T'Pau calls everything to a halt.

McCoy stands in front of T'Pau.

McCoy: "Is this what you call Vulcan chivalry? The air's too hot and thin for Kirk, he's not used to it."

T'Pau: "The air is the air. What can be done?"

McCoy takes out a hypo.

McCoy: "I can compensate for the atmosphere with this. At least it'll give Kirk a fighting chance."

T'Pau: "Ye may proceed."

McCoy walks over to Kirk, who's kneeling and trying desperately to catch his boobs- I mean breath.

McCoy: "You're gonna have to kill him, Jim."

Kirk: "Kill Spock? That's not what we came to Vulcan for, is it?"

McCoy injects Kirk with the nipple- I mean hypo.

Kirk: "What's that?"

McCoy: "A Tri-ox compound. It'll help you breathe. Now be careful."

Kirk: "Sound medical advice."

_(((Oh Kirk, you go and be cheeky in a life and death situation. That's one of the reasons we adore you so.)))_

T'Pau calls for the second round and thusly the new weapons, which Boris and Natasha celebrate with (wait for it) shaking the bells.

_(((Shock. Amazement.)))_

The guards hand both Spock and Kirk the new weapons, which can best be described as 'glorified fire hoses' of a sort.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

_(((I love Kirk's expression when he takes the weapon. He looks around like "I have absolutely NO idea what the hell I'm supposed to do with this." Adorable.)))_

Spock knows what to do, though, and he immediately tosses it at Kirk, wraps it around his legs, and pulls him to the ground. The next round has apparently started.

_(((Kirk's expression when he lands on the ground is very "Buh…buh…I wasn't ready…"_

_It's too adorable for words.)))_

They fight some more, only these weapons call for more…::cough::…full body contact.

_(((They literally roll around on the ground together. _

_::tugs at collar:: Is it warm in here? It must be Vulcan's atmosphere…)))_

They fight…Spock almost puts Kirk's head in the embers while he chokes him…Spock keeps choking him…oh my god Kirk's DEAD!!!!

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: _MakariaSophia_ and others have made a very interesting argument about the fight scene being an intended metaphor for sex. While I'm still not sure where I fall on the issue, the evidence is pretty darn compelling so I'm gonna discuss it._

_-The second half of the fight has a loooot of body contact and rolling around. Hell, when Spock is choking Kirk by the burning embers, Kirk puts his leg up like that one really common sex position._

_-(thanks again to MakariaSophia for the following info) In a lot of English renaissance poetry (see also: John Donne) the verb 'to die' was used as a euphemism for 'to experience orgasm.' This was pretty common knowledge, as well. Roddenberry's love of classical references (chess, anyone?) plus Theodore Sturgeon's love of gay subtext, and the fact that Kirk didn't literally die point the fight scene in a very interesting direction. This could also provide a second reason as to why Spock snapped out of Pon Farr (other than thinking that he had just killed Kirk)._

_-EDIT as of 9/6/09 (later that day): Also, a couple of people have pointed out that there's a modern French term 'le petit mort' which means 'the little death' but is a term used for achieving orgasm. (end EDIT)_

_-And now for a fact that's way less intelligent sounding but still valid so suck it: There's a song from the 80s by The Cutting Crew called "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" and it's been confirmed that the song is about a guy reaching orgasm, and when you look at the lyrics it's pretty clear that they used 'died' as the euphemism. So if a pop group from the 80s was aware of it, I'd call that common knowledge, wouldn't you?)))_

Spock slowly lowers Kirk's body to the ground with an absolutely stunned, shocked, and mortified expression.

_(((It's absolutely clear that this is the moment where Spock officially 'snaps out of it' now. Keep that in mind.)))_

McCoy walks over and all but pushes Spock away. Spock merely stands and stares down at Kirk.

McCoy: "Get your hands off of him, Spock."

_(((Aw, now I know you know what's going on, McCoy, but couldn't you have been a little nicer? Maybe? Probably not, for appearance's sake, but…maybe?)))_

McCoy: "He's finished. He's dead."

Spock slowly wanders off screen.

_(((The poor guy just looks so HOLLOW.)))_

T'Pau: "I grieve with thee."

McCoy calls the Enterprise and has them stand by to beam up the landing party while Spock takes off his battle sash thing and hands it to a guard. Then McCoy walks over to Spock…who's gone back to staring at Kirk.

McCoy: "As strange as it may seem, Mr. Spock, you're in command now. Any orders?"

_(((McCoy seems to be gauging Spock's reaction to all of this.)))_

Cut to Spock, who is still staring in Kirk's direction with the most numb, grief-stricken, _sad_ expression you could ever imagine. He reels it in a bit when he speaks.

_(((So how's that Hug-A-Character-Through-The-Screen invention coming? 'Cause it needs to get here._

_Now.)))_

Spock: "Yes. I'll follow you up in a few minutes."

Spock takes a deep breath as if to steady himself.

_(((Spock's eyes keep going back and forth between McCoy and Kirk.)))_

Spock: "You will instruct Mr. Chekov to plot a course for the nearest Star Base, where I must surrender myself to the authorities."

_(((But wait, Spock, you killed Kirk as part of an ancient ritual, you're completely in the clear. This is a case where murder was inevitable, intended, and absolutely expected. Kirk accepted the fight of his own free will. There's no crime to charge you with, so it's totally illogical to surrender yourself to the authorities, you technically didn't do anything wrong._

_So what gives? Hm…)))_

McCoy walks off and we hear him beam up with Kirk's body off screen. Spock slowly approaches T'Pring.

Spock: "T'Pring, explain."

_(((Grieving-Spock wants some answers…)))_

T'Pring: "Specify."

Spock: "Why the challenge, and why you chose my captain as your champion."

T'Pring: "Stonn wanted me, I wanted him."

Spock: "I see no logic in preferring Stonn over me."

_(((What's this, Pride-Spock? Actually, all he's saying is that he sees no difference, which makes sense when you're talking about a logical race that makes logical decisions, so one guy is just as good as another.)))_

T'Pring: "You have become much known among our people, Spock, almost a legend, and as the years went by I came to know that I did not want to be a consort of a legend."

_(((Uh…what exactly are you referring to when you say 'legend,' hon? If you mean Spock's impeccable reputation as a Starfleet First Officer, then why wouldn't you want to be married to that? Galaxy wide respect and a family name that gets you T'Pau to officiate the wedding? Heavens no! o.O_

_But maybe you're not talking about that…so then what _are_ you talking about? Why else would Spock have 'become a legend?'_

_You think there might be some rumors floating around the galaxy about Spock and a certain Captain? Possibly…but we'll need more to go on…)))_

T'Pring: "But by the laws of our people I could only divorce you by the Kal-if-fee. There was also Stonn, who wanted very much to be my consort, and I wanted him. If your captain were victor he would not want me, and so I would have Stonn."

_(((O.O And you know this HOW, exactly? I don't suppose any _rumors_ have floated by or anything?_

_Also, look at the line before that. It's been made clear that when T'Pring says 'wanting' she means that they wanted to be married (because being a 'consort' means being married), that they were in love. Then she says 'Oh, but Kirk wouldn't love me, he wouldn't want me.'_

_She's known Kirk for all of, what, ten minutes? And they never even spoke! Clearly she knows something about Captain Sexy Pants…the mind can only reel…)))_

T'Pring: "If you were victor, you would free me because I had dared to challenge, and again I would have Stonn. But if you did not free me, it would be the same."

_(((So she was positive about Kirk's actions, but not positive about Spock's, whom she's had a special mind connection for decades._

_Just what the hell did you hear about Kirk, anyway? And you can you draw pictures of it??)))_

T'Pring: "For you would be gone, and I would have your name and your property, and Stonn would still be there."

_(((Damn, she was willing to be married to Spock (if it played out like that) but have an affair on the side if that meant she could be with Stonn.)))_

Spock: "Logical. Flawlessly logical. Stonn, she is yours. After a time you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."

_(((::knocks table over:: HOLY FUCKING BLITZKRIEG OF SLASH, BATMAN!!!!_

_Let's recap, shall we?_

_-Spock spends the first half of the episode trying to keep himself from nailing Kirk_

_-Spock kills Kirk_

_-Spock tells two lovers that sometimes wanting a person can be better than actually having them._

………

_How in the name of all that is SANE in this world is that line not a DIRECT REFERENCE to how Spock has been WANTING KIRK, not just during Amok Time, but the past SEASON and FIVE EPISODES???? _

_If it's not referencing Kirk, then this line literally comes from **nowhere** and is said **for no reason**, because there is no other explanation for this. None. Zero. Nada. _

_Spock didn't just up and decide to toss out some words of wisdom to the happy couple after killing the most important person in the universe to him, **he's speaking from personal experience**, and who the hell else could he be talking about? NOBODY. _

_That's one more nail in the big gay coffin, folks. _

_Hawt. _

_Dayum.)))_

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: From some people's comments I felt that I should throw another word or two in about this. Spock is a bit, oh let's say 'miffed' at T'Pring. Thanks to her cold manipulations she pitted Spock against Kirk and Kirk is dead (to Spock's knowledge) and she just admitted that she'd be perfectly fine with having an affair even if her plan didn't work and she was shackled to Spock anyway. So the having and wanting line is actually quite a bitter remark with Kirk woven in. In so many words Spock has said 'I spent all of this time wanting and I never got to have, but even though you get to do all the having you want you'll probably get sick of her because not every love story lasts.'_

_So it's not just an insult to T'Pring, and it's not just a reference to Spock's wanting Kirk, it's a bit of both.)))_

Spock puts the Enterprise on stand by to beam him up. T'Pring looks down (Spock's words seem to have affected her).

Spock approaches T'Pau and throws up the Vulcan hand sign we all know and love.

Spock: "Live long, T'Pau, and prosper."

_(((Woo, first 'live long and prosper!' This episode has a ton of firsts.)))_

T'Pau: "Live long and prosper, Spock."

Spock: "I shall do neither. I have killed my captain, and my friend."

_(((Wait whoa, Spock is planning on dying sometime in the near future? We learned in _The Menagerie_ that the only death penalty left in Starfleet was contacting that one planet (I believe it was Talos IV), so either Spock is going to try and insist on the death penalty, or commit suicide._

_Either way, he's fully planning on dying because he killed Kirk._

_That is completely irrational and tragically romantic.)))_

_(((And hey, you know, as this episode goes on, throwing out the word 'friend' becomes a weaker and weaker defense. The whole "let's cover our asses by calling each other friends" tactic isn't working so well anymore, what with the constant barrage of evidence that screams something else._

_Would you believe someone who says they're your friend while they're killing you for no reason? No. _

_Would you believe Romeo and Juliet if they said they were just good buddies at the end of the play? No._

_My point exactly.)))_

Spock beams up to the Enterprise.

Cut to later. Spock enters sick bay, where McCoy and Chapel get up to meet him.

Spock: "Doctor, I shall be resigning my commission immediately, of course."

McCoy: "Uh, Spock I-"

Spock: "So, I would appreciate your making the final arrangements."

McCoy: "Spock I-"

Spock: "Doctor, please, let me finish. There can be no excuse for the crime of which I'm guilty, I intend to offer no defense."

Meanwhile, Kirk quietly steps into the room behind Spock. He can't help but grin.

_(((I smile every. single. time.)))_

_(((Brace yourselves. You've already seen how great these guys are at two second reunions, well here comes the mother of them all.)))_

Spock: "Furthermore, I shall order Mr. Scott to take immediate command of this vessel."

Kirk: "Don't you think you better check with me first?"

_(((That is seriously the cutest way Kirk could have possibly delivered that line. Guh.)))_

Kirk smiles widely.

Spock: "Captain!"

Spock grabs Kirk by the shoulders and swings him around.

Spock: "JIM!!!"

_(((Well if that doesn't reduce you to a puddle of giggling squee, nothing ever will.)))_

_(((This is the biggest, non-induced-by-spores-or-anything-else smile we literally EVER see from Spock. For one split second, Spock just lets it all go for his cap'n. ::sigh:: )))_

Spock's smile quickly fades when he realizes that there's kind of _other people in the room_.

_(((Q: Who wishes that McCoy and Chapel weren't present for this moment?_

_A: Every K/S fan ever.)))_

Spock does his best to push it all back on the inside. He even tugs down on his shirt to try and straighten himself out.

Spock: "I'm…pleased to see you, captain, you seem…"

His voice trails off for a second as he looks over Kirk's entire body.

_(((Whoa, what's going through that little Vulcan mind of yours? He seems…delicious? Sexy? Staggeringly attractive?)))_

Spock: "…uninjured."

_(((HA!! Oh please, you were NOT thinking 'uninjured' sir, your delivery of the line completely gives you away._

…_the amazing thing is that I'm not even joking.)))_

Spock: "I am at something of a loss to understand it, however."

Kirk: "Blame McCoy. That was no Tri-ox compound he shot me with, he slipped in a neural paralyzer. Knocked me out, simulated death."

_(((Jesus Kirk, the Happy-O-Meter can only take so much…heehee…)))_

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: _Dreams-Landing_ made a very interesting observation. So Kirk is given something that simulates death, and Spock goes suicidal when he thinks Kirk is dead. That sounds an awful lot like _Romeo and Juliet_, don't you think? And Shakespearean references aren't exactly unheard of in TOS, you know. One could even go as far as to suggest that T'Pring parallels Paris in that she's supposed to marry Spock and comes between them etc. Fascinating._

_EDIT as of 9/6/09 (later that day): Oh, and McCoy is like the priest. He gives Kirk the paralyzer, is a K/S advocate, etc. (Thanks_ spooky-fbi_.) )))_

Spock: "Indeed."

_(((Ahhhhhhhahahaha, he is trying so hard to sound completely innocent and fascinated, and he's failing miserably. Precious.)))_

McCoy dismisses Chapel so he can talk about what happened on Vulcan.

McCoy: "Spock, what happened down there? The girl, the wedding."

_(((Kirk looks over at Spock to watch him answer, and his expression is so very amused and "Why yes, Mr. Spock, the _girl_, what about the _girl, _eh?")))_

Spock: "Oh yes, the girl, hm, most interesting…It must have been the combat. When I thought I'd killed the captain, I had lost all interest in T'Pring. The madness was gone."

_(((Remember when I told you to keep the precise moment that Spock snaps out of it in mind? This is why. Spock says 'it must have been the combat,' but we know better. We were there, up close and personal, we saw Spock snap out of it because he thought Kirk was dead. We were given no indication that the fighting itself exhausted the madness (and, by the way, his use of the word 'madness' reminds me of Kirk's earlier line) and it would be pretty silly to believe that a semi-brief fight could cure such an intense thing like the Pak Tow stage of Pon Farr. So basically, Spock was just trying to save face by throwing out a lame excuse like 'oh it must have been the fighting.'_

_So you know what that means?_

_IT MEANS THAT WHEN SPOCK THOUGHT KIRK WAS DEAD, HIS DICK WENT SOFT. FLACCID. FLOPPY. OUT OF FUCKING COMMISSION (LITERALLY). _

'_WILL AND GRACE' IS NOT THIS GAY._

'_QUEER AS FOLK' IS NOT THIS GAY._

_GAYNESS ITSELF IS **NOT. THIS. GAY.**_

_If anyone ever tells you that there was no evidence to suggest any sexual connection between Kirk and Spock, you have my permission to laugh hysterically...then show them this episode. Seriously.)))_

_(((For those of you who are wondering: Yes, my mind has just broken out of the bathroom. Fortunately it was so damn exhausted and overwhelmed by the cavalcade of slash that it simply fainted in the middle of the living room. The moose is kind of angry, though.)))_

And because the writers had no way for the characters to respond to that without addressing something completely homosexual, Uhura rings in from the bridge and tells Kirk that T'Pau put in a request for the Enterprise's presence and Starfleet accepted it, so any necessary delay is perfectly all right. Kirk orders Chekov to lay in a course for Altair VI and cuts the transmission.

Kirk and Spock trade glances.

_(((It's basically just eye contact…but still. Nobody does brief eye contact like they do.)))_

McCoy: "There's just one thing, Mr. Spock. You can't tell me that, when you first saw Jim alive, that you weren't on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would've brought the house down."

_(((I love it when McCoy tries to get Spock to admit his emotions towards Kirk. What are best friends for?)))_

Spock: "Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain."

Kirk: "Of course, Mr. Spock, I understand."

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: _Simply Kelp_ was good enough to point out this nice little parallel. Spock just made a (weak) attempt at trying to hide his real feelings by saying 'Oh, well he's a great captain, so he's important and stuff.' And hey would you look at that, Kirk pulled the same bullcrap earlier when he told Spock that he 'was the best first officer in the fleet and, you know, losing that first officer would suck and stuff so that's why I care.'_

_I guess when all else fails, pretend like you're number one priority is Starfleet so you don't have to admit to that mushy personal stuff. Too bad they suck at it. =P ))) _

Kirk then looks over at McCoy to watch his reply.

_(((Kirk's giddiness is bubbling just below the surface, the poor guy can barely contain himself. And why not? If all of this happened with the guy you had a major life altering crush on you'd be fucking giddy as hell too.)))_

McCoy: "Of course, Mr. Spock, it was quite logical."

Spock: "Thank you, doctor."

Spock and Kirk start to head out the door together.

McCoy: "In a pig's eye!"

_(((The good ol' country doctor knows bullshit when he sees it, people.)))_

Spock and Kirk stop and turn around. They look at McCoy, then at each other. McCoy looks back just in time to see Kirk and Spock looking at each other.

Kirk: "Come on, Spock, let's go mind the store."

_(((While I made a 'mind the store' joke in something I posted on my DeviantArt page, I don't actually think it was a euphemism for "let's go fuck each other's brains out." _

_As delicious as that idea is, I'm not about to argue that that's what actually happened. They most likely went to the bridge and continued with their duties._

_I'm willing to bet that the flirting was particularly scandalous for the next couple of days, though. XD )))_

Kirk and Spock gallop off into the sunset and leave sick bay. McCoy looks forward and almost kind of smiles in a 'Huh, well would you look at that' kind of way.

_(((This is yet another piece of evidence that McCoy knows all-too-well what exactly is going on between those two rascals, because he is a BAMF.)))_

_(((EDIT as of 9/6/09: _ScarlettMonrow_ pointed out that, in the future, Spock never marries, which means that either Spock never goes through Pon Farr again or he's already got a certain someone for when that time comes around…fascinating…_

_EDIT as of 9/6/09 (later that day): According to TNG Spock does get married to some chick, but not until Kirk has been lost in the nexus for a good long while. I feel bad for his wife, talk about hard acts to follow…_

_I'm also curious about the circumstances surrounding the marriage and exactly how that went down._

_Thanks again for the info, _spooky-fbi_.)))_

_(((Now if you will pardon me, I have to put my mind to bed and wait for it to come out of its slash-induced coma.)))_

Thus Endeth Amok Time. Your Anti-K/S Argument is Invalid.

_*****(((I know what you're thinking: What could we possible have to look forward to after something this brain-mashingly slashy? We have quite a lot to look forward too actually, and not just in the rest of the series, but the movies as well. Weehoo!!_

_Also, this is a gigantic mammoth of a chapter. You guys do great jobs at pointing out things I may have missed, so plllllease keep it up, and check back every once in a while because this will probably be updated more than once.)))_

_

* * *

_

**Score! (Oddly enough, something Spock never got to do in this episode. Hm.)**

Episode Specific:

Times the Bells Rang – 478340

Times I Got a Dirty Look From the Moose – 3

General: 

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 10

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times Spock Uses the Vulcan Hand Sign – 2

Times someone says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

_(((I must give the maddest props possible to _TheLoyalOne_, who is my brand spanking new beta reader. 'Thank you' just isn't enough. ::hails:: )))_


	35. 2x06 The Doomsday Machine

**Author's Note:** You come down from the Amok Time high yet? Neither have I. That installment alone put this project's word count over 200,000 and the reviews wayyy over the 700 mark. What can I say? I love everyone (yes, lurkers, I still love you too =P).

If you read the Amok Time commentary before 9/6/09 then there's a whole bunch of stuff that's been added that you haven't seen. That episode is like a project in and of itself, seriously.

P.S. – The Ship's Closet premieres on 9/15, check out the trailer here: http://www. Youtube .com/watch?v=HbXuqle1TrI and make sure you subscribe!!

P.P.S. – A couple of people have decided that my nickname is Captain (or just Cap'n if you have to go stop an assassination and don't have the time to type out the full word). I'm quite flattered, to say the least. ::blushes::

P.P.P.S. – If anyone knows how to get the video preview in Vegas Pro 9 to play back _smoothly_, please please please drop me a line. I'm about to go insane…er.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Six: The Doomsday Machine**

Kirk arrives on the bridge in his typical sexy attire oh no wait he has that alternate v-neck shirt on.

Uhura then reports that oh no wait it's some white blonde chick.

_(((Clearly this is one of those 'alternate universe' episodes, right?)))_

Not Uhura reports that the distress call definitely came from around here but the message itself says stuff like "Aashajdksfl" more than actual words so all they've got to go on as far as a location right now is the name of the ship: Constellation.

_(((Well I bet that Ship Name Brainstorming Session was INTENSE.)))_

Sulu reports that they've arrived at their destination, then Spock pipes up to say that the entire solar system has been destroyed so, you know…whups.

To emphasize this fact, we get a shot of the viewing screen as the Enterprise flies by some asteroids.

_(((And by 'asteroids' I mean 'mostly see through graphics flying at the screen.'_

_Yay 60s.)))_

They keep searching for the source of the distress signal, where all they find is more destruction but hey, the two innermost planets in the entire system are still intact. Huzzah?

Not Uhura reports that she's picking up a disaster beacon, and a moment later Spock's got the ship on the sensors. It's a drifting Starship that's not putting out the energy it should, and Not Uhura can't get anybody on the line.

After a bit (and a nicely framed shot of our duo standing together) they find the Constellation, and from the looks of things it's beaten up pretty badly.

Kirk: "She was attacked."

And just in case the audience wasn't livened up enough by this declaration, the camera man decided to focus on Kirk's crotch as he steps down and slaps the red alert button on his chair.

_(((And every bored housewife in the 60s pretends not to notice…then promptly fails.)))_

Aaaaaaaaand titles!

_(((This is the only episode this writer had a hand in, so the odds of him knowing about K/S were basically none and none.)))_

We come back to find that they're pretty much in the same spot they were in before they went to commercials. Spock reports that the Constellation is basically up shit creek without a paddle. Any power it has is weak and limited but it can still support life even though it's pretty much just floating there etc.

Well like any good explorer (and the fact that it's kind of, you know, his job) Kirk wants to go check the darn thing out. Kirk takes the ship down to yellow alert and orders that Scotty and McCoy meet him in the transporter room, leaving Spock in command.

_(((Yup, our boys will be separated this episode. It's funny, the episode before _Amok Time_ had them apart most of the time too. What a nice, convenient little buffer, eh?)))_

The full landing party (Kirk, McCoy, Scotty and three random crewmen) beam aboard the Constellation, which in no way looks like a messy version of the Enterprise.

_(((I know it's the same model ship so the floor plan would be the same, but you just know they used the same set for most of these shots, so that makes us about even. =P )))_

Kirk sends Scotty off with the herd o' crewmen to check out the phaser banks while he and McCoy go check out things elsewhere. We then get an intercut sequence of Scotty talking to the crewmen in the engineering sector and Kirk and McCoy talking in a cafeteria of sorts. Kirk notes that it looks like the crew had a warning before shit hit the fan _(((what is with me and the shit metaphors today?))) _and that they must have simply just left. He calls up Spock and reports that there are no survivors and no bodies at all actually but hey couldn't the crew have beamed down to one of the planets? Spock says that's not possible 'cause one planet is kind made of molten lead, while the other has a poisonous atmosphere so, you know…death.

Kirk and McCoy leave the 'cafeteria' and Scotty catches them to report that the warp drive = SUCK and the phaser banks are completely exhausted but the impulse power isn't totally shot to hell so hey that's something.

Kirk: "Where are they? I can't imagine a man like Matt Decker abandoning ship while life support systems were still active."

_(((Decker has been mentioned once before, he's the captain of the Constellation, and it's implied that he's a big important Commander Dude of Badassery.)))_

Scotty tosses out the idea that they can play back the Captain's Logs from the auxiliary control room so they all head on over. On their way, though, they pass by a room with man passed out in a chair. Kirk wakes him up and instantly identifies him as Decker.

Kirk: "Matt? Matt, it's Jim Kirk."

_(((From this, and other informal ways of addressing each other, Decker and Kirk have obviously met before. No, there's nothing to suggest that there was ever anything going on between them, they just know each other._

…_not that we'd be shocked if they _did_ have a romantic history…)))_

Decker is just kind of staring ahead. Nobody's home.

McCoy then gives him a Hypo full of Insta-Coherency and Decker snaps out of it.

Kirk: "What happened to your ship, Matt?"

Decker: "A ship…attacked that…thing."

Kirk: "What thing? What was it?"

Decker can only open his mouth wide in horror and grief as he remembers what happened. Kirk tries to shake some sense into him.

Kirk: "Answer me! What happened, Matt?!"

_(((Of course, when they cut to a mid-shot of Kirk shaking Matt…we can see his hands pop into frame…which means he wasn't actually holding the actor in that shot…_

…

_Yay 60s.)))_

Matt is still in silent shock as Scotty plays the Captain's Log. Decker's recorded voice tells us that, at the time he made the Log, there were four planets left.

Matt feels up for talking now, and tells Kirk that he had been forced to beam his entire crew down because the ship was absolutely useless, but once that was done the thing hit again, the transporter went out, and the crew was stranded on the planet.

_(((That's nothing, one time I went to Starbucks and ordered a Caramel Macchiato, but they served me a Caramel Latte. Ruined my whole week.)))_

Kirk: "What attacked you?"

Decker: "They say there's no Devil, Jim, but there is…right out of hell, I saw it…"

_(((Keep making that face, Decker, and it'll get stuck that way.)))_

Kirk: "Where's the crew?"

Decker: "On the third planet."

_(((Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…whups?)))_

Decker then has a complete breakdown because he had to listen to his entire crew beg to be saved when he couldn't do anything.

A random crewman reports to Kirk that the anti-matter and warp drive pods have been deactivated. Scotty confirms that a heavy dampening field could be the cause of all this.

Decker: "If you'd seen it, you'd know. The whole thing's a weapon, it must be!"

Kirk: "What does it look like?"

Decker: "Well, it's miles long-"

_(((Tommy Lee?)))_

Decker: "-with a maw that could swallow a dozen starships."

_(((No, worse! Pamela Anderson!!! RUN FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIVES!!!)))_

Decker: "It destroys planets, chops them into rubble."

Kirk tries to get him to be a smidge more specific, but Decker can't really describe it. Spock calls in from the Enterprise.

Spock: "Spock here, captain. Unable to raise Starfleet Command due to heavy subspace interference. Attempting to remedy."

_(((So, you couldn't call Starfleet because SPACE got in the way?)))_

Spock then reports that, according to the Constellation's tapes, the ship was basically attacked by a robot that eats planets for fuel, but hey we were able to figure out where it's headed! Yay!

And if it continues on its course it'll plow right through the most populated planets of their home galaxy, which we can assume means Earth! Not so yay!

McCoy wonders aloud as to why, exactly, any race would build such a thing.

Kirk: "Bones, have you ever heard of The Doomsday Machine?"

_(((You mean that one episode of Star-….heyyyy, I see whut u did thar…)))_

McCoy: "No, I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."

_(((Must. love. McCoy.)))_

Kirk: "It's a weapon built primarily as a bluff. It's never meant to be used. So strong that it could be used to destroy both sides of the war. Something like the old H Bomb was supposed to be."

_(((::cough:: this was made during the Cold War and five years after the Cuban Missile Crisis ::cough:: )))_

Kirk then concludes that he thinks this robot planet eater is a Doomsday Machine left over from a war.

Decker then decides that now would be a good time to have a freak out about killing the robot thing. Kirk orders that Decker and McCoy go back to the Enterprise while he stays there and sorts everything out. As Kirk leans on the console to tell the Enterprise to beam those two up, he just happens to lean right into some isolated light for his eyes.

_(((I really should have kept track of that. Why? Because it's isolated light on Captain Kirk's eyes._

_You don't get much more Yay 60s than that.)))_

McCoy and Decker beam aboard as the Enterprise is in the middle of a red alert. They run to the bridge to find that the robot planet eater thing has appeared!! OCTOLIEBE!!!!

We finally get a look at the thing and it's long, blue, with a pointy tail and a mouth full flame-looking stuff.

_(((Ladies and gentlemen, introducing __**The Angry Icicle Condom of Fire**__!!!!!!!)))_

Back from commercial, where the afore mentioned Angry Icicle Condom of Fire is gaining on the Enterprise. Spock and Kirk chat via communicator about how they could possibly kill the thing, and then Kirk orders that the landing party be beamed aboard. Right then the AICOF fires on the Enterprise and the transporter is broken plus communications short out and there's no Santa Claus and the world is actually The Matrix AHHHHH!!!!!

Cut to later, on the bridge of the Enterprise.

McCoy: "No casualties, Mr. Spock. How're we doing?"

Spock: "We have outrun it, doctor."

Decker: "Status report."

Spock: "Impulse and warp engines operative, transporter and communications under repair. Random chance seems to have operated in our favor."

McCoy: "In plain, non-Vulcan English: We've been lucky."

Spock: "I believe I said that, doctor."

_(((Spock, how I love thee, let me count the ways…)))_

The AICOF then changes course and starts heading out to munch on some planets.

Spock: "Evidently programmed to ignore anything as small as a ship beyond a certain radius. We'll maintain a discreet distance and circle back to pick up the captain."

Decker: "You can't let that thing reach Rigel! Why, millions of innocent people would die."

_(((I know, I know, you want to let out a big ol' AWWWWW right now but this isn't a case of "Fuck the galaxy, save my Captain Sexy Pants" as much as we'd like it to be. Spock will now explain.)))_

Spock: "I am aware of the Rigel system's population, Commodore, but we are only one ship, our deflector shields are strained, our subspace transmitter is useless. Logically, our primary duty is to survive in order to warn Starfleet Command."

_(((So since Spock's plan isn't so much "zomg gotta save my honeybunny" as it is "not attack Godzilla with a slingshot and DIE," it's not so slashy._

_Now, if the Enterprise actually stood a chance against the AICOF, that would be one thing. But it doesn't. Not by a long shot.))) _

Decker: "Our primary duty is to maintain life and the safety of Federation planets. Do you deny that?"

Everybody on the bridge takes a second to look at Spock and wait for his response.

_(((Now things get BAMF.)))_

Spock: "Mr. Sulu, you will lay in an evasive course back to the Constellation."

Sulu: "Aye aye, sir."

Decker: "Belay that last order, helmsman. One hundred and eighty degree turn, hard about. We're going to attack."

Everybody stares…again.

Spock: "You will carry out my last order, Mr. Sulu."

_(((OoooOoooo….Vulcan no likey his authority being undermined…that tone? Oh my…)))_

Decker: "Mr. Spock, I am officially notifying you that I am exercising my option under regulations as a Starfleet Commodore, and that I am assuming command of the Enterprise."

_(((What does Spock do during this little bit of dialogue? Nothing. He doesn't look over at Decker, he doesn't give him the time of day._

_He just. stares. straight. ahead._

_Someone's not happy.)))_

Spock: "You have the right to do so, but I would advise against it."

_(((Translation: Protocol is on your side but that doesn't save you from being a silly human sack of DIPSHIT…sir.)))_

Decker: "That thing must be destroyed!"

_(((With _what_, our broken transporter???)))_

Spock: "You tried to destroy it once before, Commodore. The result was a wrecked ship and a dead crew."

_(((Oooooooooooooooooo, Spock's not pulling the punches anymore. DAYUM.)))_

Decker and Spock stop everything to have a staring contest for a second. Spock wins.

Decker: "I made a mistake then. We were too far away. This time I'm going to hit it with full phasers at point blank range."

_(((So when the plan fails, we'll be able to see it fail from _really close up._)))_

_(((I'd love to really rag on the guy because he's being insanely stupid, but all of this is clearly a desperate attempt to avenge his crew and make himself feel like a worthy officer again…and that's just a little too heartbreaking for me to honestly insult._

_Unlike Rand, who's just a moronic dingbat._

……………………………

_Sorry, it's been a while since I've been able to make fun of her. I'm glad she's gone, but she did provide some Grade A fodder for me to heckle.)))_

Spock: "Sensors show that the object is solid neutronium; a single ship cannot combat it."

_(((Which would be why I __**don't want to fight it**__, because we would all __**die**__. __**Horribly**__.)))_

Decker: "Mr. Spock, that will be all. You are relieved of command, don't force me to relieve you of duty as well."

A French horn sounds off out of nowhere and for a second the good people at home think a bullfight is about to break out on the bridge of a spaceship.

Spock gets up from the captain's chair and steps aside. McCoy immediately goes to Spock's side.

McCoy: "You can't let him do this!"

Decker: "Doctor, you are out of line."

McCoy: "So are you!!"

McCoy does a double take.

McCoy: "_Sir._"

_(((MMPH, McCoy, you go with your BAMF self!!! XD )))_

McCoy: "Well, Spock?"

Spock: "Unfortunately, Starfleet Order 104 Section B leaves me no alternative. Paragraph 1A clearly states-"

McCoy: "To blazes with regulation! You can't let him take command when you know he's wrong!"

Spock: "If you can certify Commodore Decker medically or psychologically unfit for command, I can relieve him under Section C."

McCoy: "I'll certify that right now."

Spock: "You'll also be asked to produce the medical records to prove it."

Spock and McCoy finally make eye contact.

_(((I love this because Spock communicates "See how this asshole has me over a barrel even though I would love to unleash a can of Vulcan Whoop Ass right now?" in a single look._

_Love Nimoy.)))_

McCoy: "Now you know I haven't had the time to run an examination on him."

Spock: "Then your statement would not be considered valid."

Decker: "You may leave the bridge, doctor."

McCoy: "Well what about the captain? We can't leave-"

Decker: "Doctor, _you may leave the bridge_."

McCoy: "Spock? Do something!"

Spock looks away.

_(((He communicates "Dear god I would fucking LOVE to but I can't" with a single look._

_Fucking. Love. Nimoy.)))_

Decker: "Mr. Spock knows his duty under regulations, doctor. Do you?"

McCoy looks back and forth from Spock to Decker, bounces on his heels for a moment, then storms out.

_(((Oh, McCoy, you feisty bitch. XD)))_

Decker orders that the Enterprise head straight for the AICOF. Everyone looks at him like he's insane. Spock merely stares.

_(((If looks could kill, man. Whew.)))_

Cut back to the Constellation, where Kirk is getting hands on when it comes to working on the ship's repairs.

_(((I love love love that they showed Kirk _really_ working on the ship. I mean, to be a captain you obviously have to know about a ship's inner workings but to see him in a working man's position instead of just the higher up position is refreshing, and gives his character yet another angle.)))_

Scotty contacts Kirk from the engine room and says that the impulse engine is muy fucked and that even though he can do some magic with the warp drive, it'd be impossible for one person to handle the ship. Kirk gives him the go ahead to do the magic.

Back on the Enterprise, they're headed right for the AICOF. Once they get close enough, the AICOF fires on them and Spock recommends retreating (ye olde duh) and Decker refuses to (ye older duh).

Cut to the Constellation, where they finally get the viewing screen up and working just in time to see the Enterprise headed straight for AICOF. The Enterprise fires on it, but does no damage. Kirk tries to contact the Enterprise but the communications are still fried.

But don't worry, the isolated light on Kirk's eyes is still working just fine_. _

_(((Whew! For a second there I thought we'd have an emergency on our hands.)))_

The Enterprise fires on the AICOF again, it fires back, and everything starts going to shit, with the added bonus of the AICOF holding them in a tractor beam and pulling them towards its mouth. Fun!

Spock: "You must veer off."

Decker: "Maintain phaser fire, helmsman."

Spock: "We've lost warp power. If we don't break the tractor beam within sixty seconds, we never will."

Decker: "But don't you understand, we've got to destroy it!"

Spock: "That, sir, is illogical."

_(((Something about his frank delivery in the face of Decker's emotional craziness just makes me HAPPY.)))_

Spock: "It is suicide. Attempted suicide would be proof that you are psychologically unfit for command. If you don't veer off, I shall relieve you on that basis."

_(((Commodore Matthew Decker, you have been SPOWNED.)))_

Decker gives in and orders for them to veer off, but the Tractor Beam o' Death just won't let go.

Back on the Constellation, Scotty has worked his magic and now the ship can move. Well, more like 'crawl' than 'move,' but still. Motion! Huzzah!!

As they try to move, the camera tilts- I mean the ship lurches back and forth and tosses Kirk and co. around a bit.

Meanwhile, the Enterprise is getting closer and closer to the AICOF's mouth.

Scotty: "Captain, I still don't know what we're doin'."

Kirk: "We're moving, the Enterprise isn't. Maybe that thing will see us and let the Enterprise go. If we only had some phasers…"

Scotty: "Phasers? You've got 'em. I have one bank recharged."

Kirk: "Scotty, you've just earned your pay for the week."

_(((The relief and surprise when Kirk says 'Scotty' segues beautifully into the humorous, but still somehow serious, quick delivery of the rest of the line and we get that he's relieved but still in tune with the situation. Why? Because Shatner can act his pants off. His sexy, sexy pants.)))_

_(((You know, Chekov earned his pay for the week in _Who Mourns for Adonais_, Scotty just earned his, I wonder when Spock will earn his…_

…_or, more to the pervy point, I wonder __**how**__._

………………………

…………………

_Couldn't resist.)))_

Kirk fires on the AICOF and it lets the Enterprise go…then turns on the Constellation. Whups.

Decker's still on his warpath, though, and keeps firing. Spock reports that basically the ship is fucked harder than a pretty boy in prison.

Hey hey, communications are back online! Well, at least ship-to-ship communications, which means the Constellation. Kirk contacts the Enterprise.

Kirk: "Enterprise? Enterprise, come in."

Spock moves to answer him.

Decker: "Mr. Spock, I am still in command and I will speak for this ship."

_(((But…but he just wants to say hi to Kirk… =( )))_

Decker: "Enterprise to Kirk. Commodore Decker, speaking."

Kirk: "Matt…what's going on? Get me Mr. Spock."

_(((Remember, Kirk has nooooo idea that Decker has assumed command. It's only natural that he's all 'do what now?')))_

Decker: "I'm in command here, Jim."

Kirk: "What happened to Spock?"

_(((It's a natural assumption that something had to have happened to Spock in order for Decker to be in command, so it's a logical question._

…_still, hearing Kirk be all "Spock? Get me Spock. What's up with Spock?" is adorable.)))_

Decker: "Nothing. I assumed command according to regulations since your first officer was reluctant to take aggressive action against-"

Kirk: "You mean _you're_ the lunatic who's responsible for almost destroying my ship?!"

_(((Hey now, let's back up a bit._

_When Kirk called in, he didn't know that Decker had gone 'zomg let's kill the condom thingy' and taken over, which means that he would have naturally figured that it was Spock who ordered the ship to attack. He knew this calling in, and yet was pretty darn calm about the whole 'you almost killed my crew and my ship' fiasco._

_But the _second_ he finds out it _wasn't _Spock's doing, Kirk instantly shifts into Angry Captain mode. Actually, we get quite a lovely shot of Kirk's facial expression as he switches gears. Like, 'Oh, _you_ almost destroyed my ship? Well then, I can get mad at YOU.'_

_He could've assumed that Spock had some great reason to attack the AICOF, but Kirk's not a dumbass. He knows that there's absolutely no plausible reason for an attack on something that literally __**eats planets for breakfast**__, so it's not like he was calling in all ready to hear some fantastically logical reasoning behind it all._

_Kirk's inability to _really_ get angry at his little Vulcan, ftw.)))_

Decker: "You are speaking to a senior officer, Kirk."

Kirk: "Get me Spock."

_(((Spock, you know Spock. Cute butt, pointy ears, legs for days? Lemme talk to him, he's not so understandably-bat-shit-insane.)))_

Decker: "I told you, I am in command here according to every rule in the book, captain. If you have anything to say at all you will say it to me."

_(((Does anybody else notice the poor random crewman crawling on the floor under the console behind Spock and Not Uhura's legs?)))_

Kirk: "There's only one thing I wanna say to you, Commodore…get my ship out of there!"

_(((And for a brief moment the good people at home wished that this show had been on the Showtime channel.)))_

Kirk orders for a status report from Spock, who tells him that everything's gone to shit, which includes the transporter and warp drive. Sulu announces that the AICOF is getting closer.

Kirk: "Take evasive action, Mr. Sulu."

Decker: "I told you I am in command here, and I will give the orders, captain."

_(((Newsflash, Decker: NOBODY. CARES.)))_

Decker: "We are going to turn and attack."

Kirk: "Not with _my_ ship, you don't. Mr. Spock, relieve Commodore Decker immediately, that's a direct order."

Decker: "You can't relieve me, and you know it. According to regulations-"

Kirk: "Blast regulations!"

_(((Uh oh, someone let BAMF Kirk out of his cage. HELL YEAH.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, I order you to assume command on my _personal authority_ as captain of the Enterprise."

_(((Commodore Matthew Decker, you have been KOWNED.)))_

Spock: "Commodore Decker, I relieve you of command."

Decker: "I don't recognize your authority to relieve me."

_(((Now is hardly the time for a Jack Nicholson impression, Decker, really.)))_

Spock: "You may file a formal protest with Starfleet Command, assuming we survive to reach a Star Base, but you _are_ relieved."

_(((Seeing the boys gang up on Decker in their own lovely way just makes me so GUH.)))_

Decker says nothing.

Spock: "Commodore, I do not wish to place you under arrest."

_(((Oh god, the sheer BAMFness of it all, I don't think I can take it.)))_

Decker: "You wouldn't dare."

Spock calmly waves two security officers over.

_(((You know, 'BAMF' is starting to turn into and massive understatement around here…)))_

Decker: "You're bluffing."

Spock: "Vulcans never bluff."

_(((::passes out from BAMF Assault:: )))_

Decker finally surrenders to the awesome power that is Spock, who has him whisked away to sick bay to be examined. Spock has the ship change course.

Spock: "Captain, we are taking an evasive course back to you. We will try to stay ahead of the object until we can transport you aboard."

Kirk: "Fine, just make sure you stay ahead of it."

_(((Kirk must think it's a reasonable plan, because you know he'd put up a fight if he thought the risk of rescuing him was too great.)))_

Cut to Decker being escorted to sick bay when he pulls the old Fake Cough Then Surprise Judo Chop trick and takes down the poor random security guard, nabbing his phaser in the process. Decker pulls a sneaky sneaky down a hallway or two.

Cut to the Constellation, where Scotty is still getting the ship up and running as much as possible while Kirk and Spock coordinate a rendezvous.

_(((No, not _that_ kind of rendezvous. Perv.)))_

The next thing you know, a shuttlecraft is launching from the Enterprise. Everybody is good and o.O until Decker responds to the ship's call and makes the cheery announcement that he's gonna fly the ship right into the AICOF's mouth in a dashingly stupid attempt to blow it up from the inside. Kirk and Spock try to talk him out of it but, alas, Decker flies to his death anyway.

_(((With some fabulous facial expressions from him as he does so, btw.)))_

Spock: "Constellation, come in please. Captain Kirk, come in please."

_(((Hey, a rare 'Captain Kirk' from Spock. Halfway professional, halfway emotional. Hm.)))_

It takes a second for Kirk to respond because he's kind of, you know, mourning his friend's death and everything.

Kirk: "Kirk here."

Spock: "Sir, may I offer my condolences on the death of your friend. It is most…regrettable."

_(((There goes Spock, instantly offering his condolences to try and console the captain again.)))_

Kirk: "It's regrettable that he died for nothing."

_(((Bitter Kirk is bitter.)))_

Sulu says that the AICOF's power has dropped a bit, so hey Decker's suicide may not have been completely in vain. The transporter on the Enterprise is working again, but Kirk orders that everyone _except_ him be beamed aboard.

_(((What's this? Suicide-Kirk?)))_

Kirk: "Spock, listen, maybe Matt Decker didn't die for nothing. He had the right idea, but not enough power to do it. Am I correct in assuming that a fusion explosion of 97 megatons will result if a Starship impulse engine is overloaded?"

Spock: "No, sir. 97.835 megatons."

Kirk: "97.835."

_(((I love these moments. Kirk offers a figure, Spock corrects the figure, Kirk repeats the correct figure, and I dissolve into a puddle of squee. Everybody wins. _

_Except Kirk._

_Poor Kirk.)))_

Spock can't say if it'll work, but he'll look into it. Kirk tells Scotty to rig up a 30 second detonator that can be triggered from the bridge. Spock pipes up on the communicator to say that there's no way of telling if the plan will work, so they're basically flying by the seat of their sexy pants.

Spock: "Captain, you're getting dangerously close to the planet killer."

Kirk: "I intend to get a lot closer. I'm gonna ram her right down that thing's throat."

Spock straightens up at this news.

Spock: "Jim…you'll be killed. Just like Decker."

_(((Oh my, there's that "Jim" again, and with a "Captain" immediately preceding it so we get the contrast. Oh Spock, you and your emotional reactions to Kirk being in mortal danger. ::wistful sigh:: )))_

Kirk: "No, no I don't intend to die, Mr. Spock. We've rigged a delay detonation device. You'll have thirty seconds to beam me aboard the Enterprise before the Constellation's impulse engines blow."

_(((Well why didn't you say so, then? Why did you let us see Spock's big dramatic reaction to the thought of you getting killed? Could it be the writers wanted us to see Spock have a little heart attack over the value of your life? The mind can only reel…)))_

Spock advises that the whole thing is like super risky and oh yeah the transporters aren't exactly at 100% so thirty seconds is a pretty uber short and dramatic time frame.

Scotty pops in to say that the detonator is now working and once you press the red switch there's no stoppin' the Big Bada Boom.

Scotty beams aboard the Enterprise but it takes longer than usual and once he gets through the transporters have gone kaput again. Scotty runs off to engineering to save the day, but Kirk can't slow down because the power is draining too quickly so it's now or never.

The transporters are working again! =)

Kirk flips the Big Bada Boom switch.

The transporters aren't working anymore. =(

Kirk gets closer.

And closer.

The transporter's working again! =)

Kirk is beamed aboard right at the last second. Huzzah!!

Kirk runs straight to the bridge to see if it worked. His eyes are fixed on the viewing screen.

Spock sees Kirk and steps towards him.

_(((Spock's inner smile is so big that it's actually resulting in a tiny outer one. Heehee.)))_

Spock: "Welcome aboard, captain."

Kirk gives him a quick nod and a small smile.

_(((How the shit do they DO that?!?!?! Yet more proof that they are the MASTERS of the 2 Second Reunion. Srsly._

_And Kirk even takes a second from the whole 'did we save our galaxy?' thing to check in with Spock and be all 'Hey yeah hi love you two seconds planet eater might be dead.'_

_And they make it look so EASY. _

_GUH.)))_

Spock then reports that the Angry Icicle Condom of Fire is, in fact, a touch dead.

_(((And Spock didn't tell Kirk this first instead of smiling and greeting him becaaauuuussseee…love?_

_Whups, gotta go catch my mind. It's recovered surprisingly well from the assault that was _Amok Time_, so it'll take me a while to catch it.)))_

Kirk gives the orders to get the ship limping along at a safe pace and shit, and then he decides to take a little stroll around the bridge with Spock.

Kirk; "Poor Matt. He gave his life in an attempt to save others. Not the worst way to go."

Spock: "Indeed, captain. I presume your log will show that Commodore Decker died in the line of duty?"

Kirk: "Indeed it shall, Mr. Spock. Ironic, isn't it? Way back in the 20th century the H Bomb was the ultimate weapon, their Doomsday Machine. And then we used something like it to destroy another Doomsday Machine, probably the first time such a weapon has ever been used for constructive purposes."

Spock: "Appropriate, captain. However I can't help wondering if there are any more of those weapons wandering around the universe."

Kirk: "Well I certainly hope not. I found one to be quite sufficient."

_(((I think we all get the message of this episode: If we don't get rid of our current version of the Angry Icicle Condom of Fire, then in the future there will be a literal Angry Icicle Condom of Fire, and we'll have to fly a derelict ship into it to save the day._

…_or something.)))_

Spock arches an eyebrow, Kirk throws him a particularly adorable grin.

_(((Since Kirk's grin is of the "Aren't I cute?" variety instead of the "I would like to wound you with my penis" variety, this moment isn't overtly slashy._

_Just cute._

_Really, really cute.)))_

End of Episode!!

* * *

**Score!!!**

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4


	36. 2x07 Wolf in the Fold

**Author's Note: **The Ship's Closet has officially PREMIERED, and you can see it here: http://www. Youtube .com/watch?v=lImwscLMUWM

It's gotten rave reviews, over almost 350 subscribers, and just a tidal wav o' love from everyone, which is such a freaking RELIEF to me.

I love the world.

P.S. – Octoliebe! We're in a Slash Drought! No worries, though, it won't last very long, and there is so much goodness on the other side. I can't even begin to describe it. No really, people. Whoa.

P.P.S. – This project has now received over 800 reviews. The name of the 800th reviewer was 'mmmHerpesFlavour.'

That probably makes me laugh a little more than it should.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Seven: Wolf in the Fold**

We open on a beautiful belly dancer with a SHIT TON of eye make up on and an outfit covered in really long Christmas tree 'icicles' doing her sexy little dance for a small crowd.

_(((While we don't think twice about seeing this much skin, this was freakin' risqué for the 60s. Just the fact that she's showing her navel alone is eyebrow-raising because up until recently showing your freakin' navel was expressly forbidden, and this is how they decided to open the freakin' episode. _

_Freakin'.)))_

We get a nice pan shot of the cozy little club until we land on Kirk, McCoy and Scotty sitting around a table and enjoying the show. Scotty voices his love for the place, and McCoy tosses in a comment about how this society (the Argelians) are a hedonistic society (they put pleasure above all else, hence the almost naked dancing lady).

_(((What I like is that the dancer has a gorgeous, _healthy _body. She's not stick thin and hot DAMN she doesn't need to be. Whew.)))_

They watch a little more, and we see Scotty's big ol' smile, and then Kirk's pleased grin as well.

_(((Yes, Kirk is enjoying the show. Yes, that is perfectly natural. No, that does not mean he can't be attracted to/falling in love with Spock._

_Bisexuality. It has its advantages.)))_

Kirk: "You like her, Scotty?"

Scotty: "Aye. Why shouldn't I?"

Kirk: "Good. I've invited her to join us at the table. I thought you might like to meet her."

_(((Note that he's invited the girl over _for someone else_. Fascinating.)))_

And then the lovely dancer shimmies on over to the boys' table and shakes her money maker for them a little bit before heading back to the stage, but not before getting a strange, kind of half-jealous look from a guy at a nearby table. We shall call him Smoosh Nose.

The chick finishes her dance, and goes back to the boys' table to have a seat. Smoosh Nose doesn't like this very much, gets up, and leaves.

Scotty takes about .2 seconds to lay the Scottish charm on the dancer. Kirk has a pretty amused expression on his face, like 'Oh, there he goes with the flirting.'

_(((Like you're one to talk, Kirk, with all the shameless flirting you unleash on Spock.)))_

Scotty and the dancer soon excuse themselves to go for a little stroll outside.

Kirk: "My work is never done."

McCoy: "_My_ work, Jim. This is prescription stuff. Don't forget the explosion that threw Scotty against the bulk cannon was caused by a woman."

Both Kirk and McCoy check out another dancer as she walks by.

_(((I think it's interesting that it's a one time writer that has Kirk do blatantly hetero stuff.)))_

Kirk: "Physically, he's all right. Am I right in assuming that?"

McCoy: "Oh yes, yes. As a matter of fact, considerable psychological damage could have been caused. For example, his total resentment towards women."

Kirk: "He seems to be overcoming his resentment."

_(((Ooooh, okay, so Scotty was hurt because of a chick and they brought him to a place with pretty girls because he had developed a resentment towards women which has now been cured by a belly dancer, which would be why Kirk invited the chick over in the first place. Got it.)))_

Kirk: "Bones, I know a little place across town where the women-"

McCoy: "Oh yes, I know the place, I know the place, let's go."

_(((Where the women what? Dance naked? Offer free fellatio? Dress up like Vulcans? WHAT?!?!!))) _

Kirk and McCoy leave the club and head out into a very foggy night. They don't get very far before a woman screams and this instantly triggers the Hero Switch and they dash off to find the source of the scream. What they find is the dancer that Scotty was with, dead from being stabbed a dozen times.

_(((Not quite the poke we all thought he was gonna give her…)))_

In a corner, however, is…Scotty! Holding a knife! And it's bloody! And he looks completely out of it! And now here come the titles! AHHHH!!!!

_(((This is another episode that was penned by a one-time _Star Trek _writer, so we really can't expect him to have been in on the whole K/S thing. It wasn't something you could tell just anyone, obviously.)))_

On the planet, Kirk and McCoy are talking to a bald guy named Hengist, who's the Chief City Administrator and is currently in charge of the investigation.

_(((Hey, it's that guy! You know, that bald guy that's been in a bunch of stuff, very recognizable voice. I can't remember where I know him from though…hm.)))_

They chat about how there aren't many people to help with the investigation because murders don't really happen around such a happy place, Hengist isn't originally from this planet, etc. Hengist picks up the murder weapon and holds it in front of Scotty, who's still a bit dazed and confused about the whole thing since he doesn't remember anything about what happened, just that he was leading the way then he heard the girl scream.

Kirk tries to press him to remember, and McCoy pulls Kirk aside. They have a mini-debate about how Kirk has a diplomatic responsibility, since it happened in the planet's jurisdiction he has to go along with whatever the Argelians decide to do, McCoy insists that Scotty couldn't have done it and he's not in very good condition.

_(((This is a good example of Kirk not letting his friendships get in the way of his responsibility as a Captain because, well he's a Captain. He's gonna stand up for Scotty as much as possible, but he's not about try and mess with the people's system until the last possible moment.)))_

Hengist then says how it's a bit weird that Scotty remembers nothing, but only his fingerprints are on the weapon.

Kirk: "What's the law in these cases?"

Newcomer to the Party: "The law of Argelius is love."

They turn to see a bearded gentlemen whose hair looks like a cross between Sean Connery and Wolverine. Hengist introduces the guy as the planet's Prefect, Jaris. Jaris introduces his wife, Sybo.

Jaris takes a look at Scotty.

Jaris: "He does not look like a man capable of such an act. Still, it's been so long. Gentlemen, before our Great Awakening two hundred years ago, we had _ways_ of learning the truth in such matters. We shall return to them."

McCoy: "The Argelian empathic contact?"

_(((The Magellan pathos who what?)))_

Jaris then explains that his wife is a descendant of ancient priestesses who are like super amazing at the hocus pocus shit, and invites everyone over to his place for the big Empathic Contact party.

As they arrive at Jaris' place, Kirk is all 'So your wife has empathic abilities and that's just adorable, but I could beam a technician down here with an instrument that could _really _do something' and McCoy explains that a psycho-tricorder will offer a detailed account of what exactly Scotty's been up to in the past 24 hours.

Hengist is against the idea because this is an Argelian matter and we don't need no stinkin' tricorder, but Jaris doesn't see anything wrong with it. I mean shit, the wife's gotta meditate for a while anyway, might as well do something useful. Yes? What?

Kirk calls Spock (who's in command of the Enterprise, obviously) and gives the order, while McCoy makes sure there's a place where the tricorder can be used in private, since nobody can be around when it's in use.

Oooookay cliff's notes…Jaris is worried because this incident has gotten around town and is uber depressing…might have to cut off travel to the planet…the planet is a strategic space port…Hengist leaves to go round up some suspects…a cute little blonde yeoman beams down with the psycho-tricorder thing…Jaris takes Scotty and the yeoman off to a private room…Kirk and McCoy talk about the possibility of amnesia brought on by guilt…Jaris comes back and oh hey his wife is ready for the empathic shit…the murder weapon has disappeared oh noes…a scream…the yeoman's been stabbed to death…Scotty's passed out…so…yeah, nothing too big happens before commercial…

…back from commercial…Scotty is given a drink that wakes him up and he has no idea what happened…Scotty is absolutely precious in his denial and having absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on…Hengist brings in a couple of dudes….hey look it's Smoosh Nose!

Kirk recognizes the bigger guy who's not Smoosh Nose and points him out.

Kirk: "You…you were a musician at the café. You played for the murdered girl."

Musician: "Since she was a little girl, she danced for me."

_(((WHOA pedophile!)))_

Musician: "She was my daughter."

_(((WHOA incestuous pedophilia!)))_

Kirk also recognizes Smoosh Nose as the dude who left the café just before Scotty and the Dead Dancer did.

_(((Kirk has mad observation skillz.)))_

Turns out Smoosh Nose was the Dead Dancer's jealous fiancé. Kirk offers up that jealousy has often been a motive for murder and Jaris is like 'Uh, duh, that's why we think it's icky.'

_(((Kirk is still very much on the path of Prove Scotty Innocent, despite the overwhelming evidence that Scotty is guilty. Sure, he's gotta stand up for a member of his crew, but we know that he's Scotty's friend too so it's a touch heartwarming.)))_

_(((Oh, and I don't actually think the musician dude was a pedophile, he just paused long enough for my mind to jump down into the gutter.)))_

McCoy comes back to say that the only other point of entry to the room where the yeoman was killed, a gate, may or may not have been picked, but it's impossible to tell. Kirk looks around for a second then demands that Smoosh Nose prove his innocence.

_(((Now he's starting to grasp at straws.)))_

Jaris comments on how Kirk seems to be getting a touch desperate to save his friend, but that desperation could also come from trying to hold onto a strategic outpost too. Sybo speaks up and says that she's ready…again. They all sit down, and Kirk demands that, before the empathic stuff begins, the room be sealed. Jaris obliges and Spock calls Kirk, requesting a private word, so Kirk walks ten feet across the room.

_(((Apparently Argelians have sucky hearing._

…_or…_

_Yay 60s.)))_

Spock gives his opinion that the whole Argelian empathic stuff is fun and great for parties, but it's not badass enough to really count on, especially when it comes to life or death.

Kirk: "What do you suggest, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Simply that we beam Mr. Scott on board the Enterprise and employ our computers to learn the truth."

Kirk: "These are proud people. They have their own customs, their own laws, and while we're here we're subject to them. It is absolutely imperative this matter be resolved according to Argelian law. Is that clear?"

Spock: "Quite clear, captain."

Kirk: "I don't like it anymore than you do, Spock, but there's nothing we can do about it. Kirk out."

_(((Now Spock's last line looks pretty run of the mill, but Kirk could tell from his tone alone that he was not a happy Vulcan, so Kirk made sure that he knew he was just as unhappy about it as he was to make him feel better. _

_It's small, but still sweet.)))_

So they start the séance- I mean the empathic, er, _thing_, and Sybo immediately feels something.

Sybo: "Yes…there's something here…something terrible…"

_(((So a copy of _Twilight _is killing women?_

…………………

_Makes sense.)))_

Sybo: "I can feel its presence…fear, anger, hatred…anger feeds the flame…there is evil here…monstrous, terrible evil…consuming hunger…"

_(((Okay, show, so is it _Twilight_ or Oprah? Make up your mind already.)))_

Sybo: "Hatred of all that lives…hatred of women…a hunger that never dies…it is strong…overpowering…an ancient terror…it has a name…baradis kesla rejik, devouring all life, all light, a hot hunger that will never die…rejik…Rejik!!"

The lights go out! Someone screams!

_(((Did I change the channel to _'Clue'_ without realizing it?)))_

The lights come back on. Scotty is holding Sybo, who's a touch dead on account of the knife in her back.

Transition to later. Kirk and McCoy stand in front of Scotty. Now it's getting a little hard to defend Scotty when there's been THREE murders and he's the only logical suspect. McCoy insists that he couldn't have done it, but Kirk is starting to go with the theory that Scotty's bump on the head could have knocked the switch from Scottish BAMF to Kill Teh Wimmins. Hengist agrees with that theory and Jaris shuts them all up for a second to wonder how anyone could do such a thing.

Scotty swears in the most endearing way possible that he didn't do it, and then Kirk makes the request that they all go to the Enterprise and use the computers to really get down to the bottom line once and for all.

_(((This was clearly the very last resort.)))_

Jaris agrees to beam on up, but makes sure that we all know the penalty for murder on his planet is death by slow torture. Good times.

Back from commercial, where Kirk is explaining to everyone in a briefing room exactly what's gonna go person on the stand will have their hand on a lie detector so they'll know when a person is, you know, lying. Scotty's the first one up, and they find out that Scotty's not suffering from any kind of amnesia. Kirk suggests that he's lying then, but Scotty insists, again, that he doesn't remember a thing and the computer says he's telling the truth. Scotty then explains that he does remember what happened before Sybo's murder. The lights went out, he went forward to see if Sybo was okay, but there was something in the way.

Kirk: "Something…you mean some_one_."

_(((Heeheeheeheheeeeee, I don't know why that tickles me so much whenever they have him say a line like that, but it just does.)))_

Scotty then explains that it was something, and it was cold and icky and not really there in a way if that makes sense, which it doesn't.

Kirk comes right out and asks Scotty if he killed Sybo. Scotty says no.

Hengist: "He's been saying that right along. It means no more now than it did before."

Kirk: "Scotty, lie to me. How old are you?"

Scotty: "22, sir."

Computer: "Inaccurate. Inaccurate. Data in error."

Hengist shuts up.

_(((I love this because Kirk is so super quick to resolve the matter, and he stays completely calm and sails right through like it was barely a blip on the radar. Sure, it was a simple problem with a simple solution, but he didn't even stop to argue. He was just like, 'Okay, this guy has a problem, here's why his problem isn't really a problem, and we're moving on." _

_He wears power and competence with incredible ease in both complex and basic situations, and that is sexy.)))_

Aaaaaand more Cliff's Notes…Scotty was near Kirk and Smoosh Nose after Sybo was murdered but Scotty was the only one holding the knife and dead chick…Scotty is telling the truth when he says he doesn't remember if he killed the other two chicks…Hengist says this whole thing is a waste of time…Kirk orders a full psycho-tricorder work up and Hengist reluctantly agrees that the results would be sufficient…Jaris has to shut Hengist up and say that they'll take Kirk's word that the computers, you know, WORK…we start to get some quick shots of Spock reacting to this whole thing…Smoosh Nose is put on the stand…he admits to being angry that night…Spock chimes in and asks if he was angry enough to do violence…he swears that he could never do violence, especially to her…the musician dude stands up and calls bullshit…awww, his daughter never loved Smoosh Nose…Smoosh Nose was jealous all the time…he denies having killed anyone and the computer says he's telling the truth…Smoosh Nose leaves the stand.

Kirk goes over to Spock and starts musing about the presence Sybo was talking about before she died.

_(((He's got a room full of people and he wanders over to Spock to put their heads together. Lovely.)))_

Between Kirk, Spock and McCoy they remember the seemingly nonsensical words she said right before she was killed and Spock puts the word Rejik through the computer. The computer eventually tells them that the word Rejik is actually the name of a killer from 20th century Earth, only his Earth name was Jack the Ripper.

_(((Yup. You read correctly.)))_

From there everyone figures out that the culprit behind this whole thing is an entity with an incredibly long life span that can inhabit any living thing it wants and literally feeds off of fear.

_(((Kirk has another "someone or something" line too. Happiness.)))_

Long story short (too late): Hengist is possessed by the entity known as Rejik and was the one to kill all the women.

_(((I can't remember if I figured it out before the show told me or not, but I'm pretty sure I caught on fairly late in the game. The whole alternate explanation of Jack the Ripper is pretty nifty, too. Yay creativity.)))_

Hengist makes a mad dash for the door.

_(((Or really, Hengist's body double makes a mad dash for the door. It is, hands down, the most laughable body double we've seen on the show so far, what with him being HUGE in comparison to the actor, and wearing a bald cap that's not even on correctly._

_Yay. 60s.)))_

Kirk punches Hengist out, and it kind of kills him on the spot, so that's a little weird.

Rejik leaves Hengist and takes over…the ship's computer!! AHHH!!!!

Rejik is laughing maniacally, and the display has been taken over by pretty colorful smoke which is menacing in a way kind of ish. Spock makes the note that they won't simply be killed because Rejik feeds off fear, so it'll try to scare the shit out of them first. Kirk makes an announcement to the ship.

Kirk: "All hands, this is the captain. Stay at your posts, remain calm. Captain out."

_(((I suppose that was better than the alternative message: A MURDEROUS ENTITY IS CONTROLLING THE SHIP AND IT'S GONNA TRY TO SCARE YOU BUT DON'T GET SCARED 'CAUSE IT LIKES THAT SO JUST CHILLAX PEOPLE KTHXBAI.)))_

Kirk then orders for McCoy to give tranquilizers to the entire crew so they won't get scared, and goes off to save the day (but not before he orders Spock to join him).

As Kirk and Spock head down the hall, they start to hatch a plan to make the computer try to solve a huge math problem to keep it occupied while they try to figure out how the crap they're gonna get Rejik out of it.

As they head into the turbolift, the door almost closes on Spock.

Kirk: "Spock!"

_(((I don't care how many times they do it, when they call out each other's name when the other is in danger, I will always smile. Always.)))_

Clearly Rejik is trying to scare them, and continues to do so by sending the turbolift into a free fall. Our boys remain perfectly calm, though, as they switch it to manual and head to the bridge, with life support systems malfunctioning along the way.

_(((Spock staying calm is one thing, he's half Vulcan, but Kirk staying completely calm is pretty darn impressive. Does he EVER lose his cool?_

_Sure he does._

_When Spock is in danger. XD )))_

They get to the bridge, Sulu gives a report, Rejik tries to scare everyone with over-the-top voice acting, and Spock gets down on the ground to look at the ship's circuits. Kirk joins him.

_(((There's something very 'boys at a camp-out' about Kirk getting on his stomach and lying next to Spock as they peek in on the inner workings of the ship. It's just…cute.)))_

Spock temporarily restores life support, and gets to work on giving the computer a huge math problem to deal with.

_(((Hm, Uhura's missing in this episode too. I remember reading somewhere that it was because she had an affair with Roddenberry and when things didn't go well he tried to have her kicked off the show…but I have no idea where I heard that so take it with a grain of salt.)))_

Rejik tries some more spooky maniacal laughter and sadistic promises. Everyone on the bridge (except for Kirk and Spock) is given Hypos full of Happy and pretty soon they're all loopy as can be.

Spock then tells the computer to compute Pi to the last digit, because he's a clever little bastard. Kirk and Spock head back to the briefing room, where everyone except McCoy and Jaris has been given proper Hypos full of Happy.

Rejik jumps out of the computer then, but they can't tell where it's landed this time.

Kirk: "Bones, what would happen if that thing entered a tranquilized body?"

McCoy: "Well it might take up knitting, nothing more violent than that."

_(((I love you so fucking much, DeForest. You could make anything hilariously snarky at any time, and yet not seem like a jerk. ::hails:: )))_

Kirk orders McCoy to tranquilize himself, he does, and then Jaris kind of attacks Kirk because he's kind of possessed by Rejik. Whups.

Fortunately Spock pops right in with a good ol' Vulcan Nerve Pinch and Jaris goes down like a sack of potatoes. Rejik jumps from Jaris back into Hengist and puts a knife to a young yeoman's throat. Kirk executes a masterful judo throw and Hengist is down for the count.

_(((That throw was really done by Shatner, too. His stunt work, when they let him do it and not a stunt double, was actually quite well done. Bravo, Shatner.)))_

Spock tranquilizes Hengist, which tranquilizes Rejik. Now he's giggling while he's promising to kill everyone.

_(((And everyone with a morbid sense of humor giggles right along with him._

_Myself included.)))_

Kirk hoists Hengist up on his shoulder and Spock accompanies him as they head down the hall to the transporter room.

_(((It's a pretty damn funny shot. Kirk's expression is made of subtle hilarity.)))_

They lay him down on the transporter and beam him into deep space.

Scotty and McCoy join the party, laughing and giggling from the Hypo of Happy. Spock explains that Rejik will probably exist as a bunch of particles, but will be pretty powerless, and McCoy and Scotty are…still giggling.

Kirk: "Bones, how long will it take for this tranquilizer to wear off?"

McCoy: "Oh, I don't know, five or six hours. I gave 'em a pretty big shot, Jim."

_(((The way he says that last bit, while just genuinely laughing, cracks me UP.)))_

Kirk: "Well, Mr. Spock, for the next five or six hours we're gonna have the happiest crew in space. Of course we won't get much work done…"

Spock: "Captain, since you came to Argelius to rest, I would suggest you take advantage of the opportunity."

_(((…just what kind of rest are you talking about, Mr. Spock? It feels like there's more to his suggestion that he hasn't said yet, like he has something specific in mind. Now that 'something specific' is most likely absolutely harmless, like "Hey let's go play chess" or something. Still, I can't help but wonder what Spock had in mind.)))_

Kirk walks over to Spock.

Kirk: "That's a splendid idea, Mr. Spock. I know a café where the women are so-"

McCoy: "I know the place, Jim!"

_(((Women that are so WHAT?!?!?! What is so amazing about these women that you can't let Kirk freaking say it?!?!?!)))_

Scotty: "Let's go see!"

Kirk: "You gentlemen, in your condition? Don't be ridiculous. Mr. Spock, this café has women that are so…"

_(((ARE THESE WOMEN JUGGLING TRANSVESTITE BABOONS FROM ZANZIBAR???!?!?! TELL ME!!!! GAWD!)))_

_(((Also, Kirk's line delivery is very much 'no no, you guys can't go, leave me alone, I'm asking Spock out.'_

_Which is exactly what Kirk is doing right now. They might have him asking Spock to a club where the women are apparently juggling transvestite baboons from Zanzibar, but Kirk is still asking Spock to go somewhere, and that makes me smile.))) _

He trails off when he notices Spock's dead pan 'yeah, right' expression.

_(((Spock looks like he thinks Kirk is insane for thinking that he would enjoy looking at women. I guess Vulcans wouldn't appreciate that kind of a café…but still…fascinating.)))_

Kirk: "No I guess not."

_(((Kirk can be remembering the whole 'Oh yeah he's a Vulcan' thing, but it could just as easily be taken for the 'Oh yeah you don't like women so much' thing._

_Now Spock's not gay, he just seems to not like women very much, so he leans towards men.)))_

Kirk looks around.

Kirk: "Alone?"

Kirk abandons the idea and they all leave the transporter room.

_(((Does anybody else notice the fact that Kirk and Spock will basically be left to entertain themselves while the crew comes down from the tranquilizers? I would have loved to see what they did to pass the time (and for once I don't mean that in a pervy way).)))_

_(((So hmm, Spock seemed like he was about to ask Kirk to do something, and Kirk just asked Spock if he wanted to do something, but they ended up missing the boat on both occasions. That's quite a nifty way to the end show, I feel.)))_

End of Episode!

_(((OMFG HENGIST IS THE VOICE OF PIGLET. WE JUST HEARD PIGLET TALK ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE. THAT IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK. HOLY. CRAP.)))_

* * *

**Score of Happy:**

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 3


	37. 2x08 The Changeling

**Author's Note: **There's a new episode of The Ship's Closet! Watch it here: http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=_KE5T9LNrgw

P.S. – For anyone wonder what episode order I'm going in: I'm using the order that the episodes were originally filmed in (which you can find on the DVDs and on Wikipedia), _not_ the order in which they were aired (imdb and CBS uses this order). I'm doing it this way because this is the order they were originally intended to be viewed in, which makes all the difference in the world.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Eight: The Changeling**

On the bridge of the Enterprise, Kirk strolls over to Uhura.

Kirk: "Any response from the Malurians, lieutenant?"

Uhura: "Nothing since their original distress call, sir."

Kirk: "What about the Federation science team working there? Dr. Manway had a special transmitter."

Uhura: "There's nothing, sir, I'm scanning all frequencies."

Spock calls Kirk over then, to tell him that no one will make contact because, well, ain't nobody home. Kirk thinks that's a bit odd since there were over four billion people present according to the last sensor reading, but Spock insists that there's no life signs of any kind, and fuck all if he can tell why, but now's not really the time to discuss it since there's a huge ball of energy flying right at the Enterprise.

Everybody is put on every kind of alert, and the ball of energy smacks right into- WHOA CAMERA!!!

Everyone goes bouncing around so hard they fling themselves into the title sequence.

_(((This hour's writer, John Meredyth Lucas, wrote three other episodes: _That Which Survives, Elaan of Troyius, _and_ Patterns of Force.

_I think I can therefore safely say that he was aware of K/S, and a supporter. Go John.)))_

We come back from titles, where the shields are still holding but they won't last long under this kind of fire since the Energy Balls O' Holy Shit are really super uber powerful.

Speaking of said balls (teehee), another one is headed straight for them. They can't maneuver because Scotty had to use the warp drives to boost the shields, and they wouldn't be able to outrun the thing anyway. It hits, and Spock finally picks up the point of origin of the EBOHS so they fire at the thing, which does a whole lot of nothing and that's kind of weird too because their photons are pretty darn BAMF. Kirk tries to hail whatever the hell has decided to try to blow them apart in an attempt be like, 'Uh, hey, don't blow us apart,' but he gets no answer. Then Spock pipes up to say that the thing is about a meter long, so that's a shit ton of badassery packed into such a tiny space.

_(((So it's basically it's a vicious Kristin Chenoweth._

…………

_You're welcome, musical theater and/or Pushing Daisies fans.)))_

Scotty: "What kind of intelligent creatures could exist in a thing that small?"

Spock instantly turns to Scotty.

Spock: "Intelligence does not necessarily require bulk, Mr. Scott."

_(((That's right, Spock, you inadvertently defend your deliciously slender physique. It's part of why we love you so much.)))_

They finally start getting a signal from the Littlest Badass, but it's all kinds of fucked up so Uhura's gotta decode it. Spock notes that it's some type of binary multi-channel thing, and Kirk walks on over to him. Uhura figures out that it's some kind of simple, old Earth type of communication, and the message is simply: "Repeat."

Kirk obliges and repeats himself, with a formal introduction this time, and is all 'We come in peace and shit, and your name is…?'

The message they get back is a mathematical one that basically comes tagged with a note that says, 'Yeah, if you could speak like this so we know what the hell you were saying, that'd be greeeeaaatttt.' So the Enterprise obliges, sending the message at a reasonable pace. At least they try to, but Spock's station burns out suddenly.

Kirk: "I guess they can take it faster than we can give it."

_(((……::cough::……_

……………………

_::fishes mind out of the gutter:: )))_

But finally, a breakthrough! A robotic voice pops in over the speaker.

Mr. Roboto: "U.S.S. Enterprise: This is Nomad."

_(((Dear god I hope you like that name, people watching at home, because you will be hearing it. A lot.)))_

Nomad: "My mission is non-hostile."

_(((Well okay, so I launched several nearly fatal attacks at your ship but, in my defense, you hadn't said "hi" yet.)))_

Nomad suggests they beam aboard, but that's obviously out of the question because they wouldn't exactly fit unless they shrank somehow, so instead they arrange to have Nomad beam aboard the Enterprise.

_(((Although, I would have liked to see a mini-Kirk and mini-Spock. Heehee.)))_

Kirk makes sure that the Nomad doesn't require any particular type of special conditions or atmosphere. Then he heads off to the transporter room with Spock and Scotty, where Nomad is beamed aboard. It's a floaty rectangular prism with a kind of antennae thing on top. Oh, and it lights up when it talks.

Nomad asks for their point of origin, but when Kirk replies with 'The Federation of Planets' that's apparently not a good enough answer so it wants to have a look-see at their star charts.

Kirk notes to Spock that, with no frame of reference, the charts won't really help so much. He then invites Nomad to come on out of his ship, and they soon find out that Nomad kind of IS the ship, and that it must be a sophisticated computer. We also hear the first (but holy god not the last) "I am Nomad" from the tin can.

Spock throws out the word opinion, and Nomad asks what the word means.

_(((What was that about a sophisticated computer, again?)))_

Spock explains what opinion means, and Kirk watches him as he speaks.

_(((He's kind of amused as he watches and, as we've learned, Kirk's amusement + looking at Spock = Cute._

_Not necessarily slashy, but cute nonetheless.)))_

Nomad calls Spock's answer an "insufficient response," to which Spock seems to be a touch surprised, of course.

Scotty: "What's your source of power?"

Nomad: "It has changed since the point of origin. There was much taken from the Other. I am perpetual now. I am Nomad."

_(((Got it darling, you're Nomad. I made a note.)))_

Kirk and Spock have a quiet little exchange about an Earth probe called Nomad that had supposedly been destroyed a long time ago, and there were no other Nomads created.

Nomad asks to see the star charts again, and Kirk goes off to get them but no wait! Nomad's all grown up and can hover around all on his very own. The tin can floats on over to Kirk as everyone watches.

_(((And by "floats" I mean "travels along the wire that it must be hanging from." You can't see the wire in this shot, but don't worry, that shot will come eventually._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Spock and Bones follow Kirk and Nomad to the room where the star charts are. Nomad sits its little metal butt down and takes a poke at a chart of Earth's solar system, and figures out that they come from, well, Earth. Then things take a slightly interesting turn.

Nomad: "You are the creator. The Kirk. The sterilization procedure against your ship was unnecessary."

_(((Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what?)))_

Kirk: "What sterilization procedure?"

Nomad: "You are the Kirk, the creator. You programmed my function."

This suggests that Nomad thinks it shouldn't have to tell Kirk, because Kirk should already know.

McCoy: "Well I'm not the Kirk, tell _me_ what your function is."

Nomad: "This is one of your units, creator?"

Kirk: "Yes, he is."

Nomad: "It functions irrationally."

McCoy's expression instantly flares up…which only proves Nomad's point.

_(((Aw, it's okay McCoy. We like it when you're irrational.)))_

Kirk: "Sometimes."

_(((HA! Totally serious delivery, which just makes it even funnier.)))_

Kirk: "But tell him your function, nevertheless."

Nomad: "My function is to probe for biological infestations."

_(((It'd have one hell of a time with Amy Winehouse, then.)))_

Nomad: "To destroy that which is not perfect."

_(((Uh oh. This is not safe for anyone less than holy._

_Kirk and Spock should be fine then. =P )))_

Nomad: "I am Nomad."

_(((Yeah, uh huh, I've still got that note, you know. Printed it nice and clear.)))_

Spock sets to work on a computer to figure out if a probe was ever launched from Earth with that directive.

Kirk then asks Nomad if it destroyed the Malurian system, to which Nomad replies 'Not the _system_, just the icky infestations _in_ it.'

McCoy: "Stable infestation…population of four planets? What kind of function-"

Kirk waves a hand and calls him 'Doctor' to quiet him down.

_(((The standard issue McCoy comes equipped with the Insta-flare feature. Inappropriate at times? Yes. Absolutely and wonderfully BAMF anyway? FUCK yes.)))_

_(((Kirk probably called him 'doctor' here because calling him 'Bones' would've most likely just confused Nomad and prompted a bunch of unnecessary questions. This is also a serious, official situation.)))_

Kirk: "Why do you call me the creator?"

Nomad: "Is the usage incorrect?"

Kirk: "Well I-"

_((…generally prefer Captain Sexy Pants, but really that's only for Spock…even though I can't get him to call me that. Not that I don't try. Look, it's complicated…)))_

Spock suddenly snaps up and jumps in.

Spock: "The usage is correct. The creator was simply testing your memory banks."

_(((From his delivery of the last line, we know that he just pulled the whole 'memory test' thing out of his ass. _

_Corbomite, anyone? _

_The circumstances are a bit less epic than Corbomite, but still. I dig it.)))_

Nomad: "There was much damage in the accident."

_(((Ahhh, okay, so Mr. Roboto's circuits are crossed, which is why he thinks Kirk is its creator.)))_

The BAMF Trio exit then, with Kirk leaving a poor random crewman to look after the probe programmed to eliminate anything imperfect (see also: humans). As soon as they get out of the room, they start chatting.

Kirk: "You're onto something, Spock, what is it?"

_(((While there are plenty of "one of them figures out that the other is thinking something because they're so tuned into each other" moments, this isn't one of them because it's really, really obvious that Spock just found out something, and Kirk's not stupid. Not by a long shot.)))_

Spock says that he's confirmed that the Nomad on their ship and the Nomad probe of old Earth's history are the same thing, despite the report that it had been destroyed. Kirk recalls some lectures he heard on Nomad at the Academy and says that he learned its mission was essentially peaceful.

_(((Yay, I love it when Kirk recalls things he learned at the Academy. Not sure why.)))_

Meanwhile, back with Nomad and the random crewman, Nomad turns on a little light for a second, but then goes back to normal. Uhura calls in the see how things are going, and is told to hold on for a second. As she waits, she starts singing to herself and, since the line is open, Nomad hears her warbling and must think it's pretty hot, because its little antennae pops right up.

_(((…::cough…_

………

_::fishes mind out of gutter again:: )))_

Nomad hovers on out of the room while the crewman is incredibly busy looking over THERE.

Cut to Spock, Kirk and McCoy in a debriefing room, as Spock gives the other boys a little lesson on Nomad's real creator, whose dream was to create a "perfect thinking machine capable of independent logic."

McCoy says the guy's name was Jackson Roykirk.

Spock then points out what all the good people at home are already thinking: That Nomad has confused Kirk for Roykirk, and that's why the attack stopped and why everyone is still, you know, breathing.

They then get a little lesson on Nomad itself, but the specs brought up don't exactly look like the thing that's on their ship. Spock points out that Nomad mentioned "the Other" but they obviously have no idea what that was and what it did to Nomad, or what it did to it, or anything.

Blah blah blah, Nomad was supposed to be the first probe to seek out new life forms, yadda yadda, apparently the programs been changed from 'Find New Shit' to 'Find Perfect Shit and Kill Anything Else,' yabba dabba, the crew kind of falls under 'Anything Else,' oobie doobie, they find out that Nomad is a touch missing.

Next thing you know Nomad pops on into the bridge to track down Uhura for her mysterious singing. Scotty (who's also on the bridge) contacts Kirk and tells him where "the mechanical beastie" is.

_(((Heehee, beastie. Scotty = Joy.)))_

Now right in front of Uhura, Nomad is all, 'Wtf is that sound thing?' and Uhura is like, 'Derrr, singing?' which makes the Nomad go 'Think about this singing stuff, 'kay?'

And then Nomad puts Uhura in this beam sort of thing and right when Kirk and Spock get to the bridge Scotty goes all OMGWTFUHURA and dives in to save her, only to get zapped by Nomad and go flying across the bridge.

_(((It's quite a nice stunt, actually. Kudos to whoever had to do that.)))_

McCoy checks on Scotty…and he's dead!!!

_(((SCOTTY?!?! NUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!)))_

Back from commercial. Well now Kirk's lost a crewman, and a vital one at that, so now his Captain hat is most definitely on.

Kirk asks Nomad why it killed Scotty, and Nomad's response is basically that Scotty tried to cop a feel.

_(((Pssh, prude.)))_

Kirk notices that Uhura has yet to come around and asks if she's all right. She doesn't respond, merely stares.

_(((Lt. Uhura isn't here right now, but if you leave a message and are somehow able to re-educate her in a ridiculously short amount of time, she'll get back to you as soon as possible.)))_

Kirk has her taken to sickbay, and Nomad says that it basically wiped her slate clean because coming in contact with her was all confuzzling and stuff.

Nomad asks if they'll "repair" Scotty, to which Kirk says 'Uh…death?'

After Kirk explains death, Nomad asks if he'd like Scotty to be "fixed." The BAMF Trio all kind of get o.O but then Kirk gives Nomad the go ahead and Spock pulls up all of the necessary info on the human body it'll need in order to fix Scotty.

Nomad hovers on over to Spock's console, and there's a couple of seconds where we get a nice little glimpse of the string that's holding it up.

_(((Fucking. Yay. 60s.)))_

Nomad gets all of the info, comments on the human body's inefficiencies, and then McCoy takes it to sickbay (which is where they've taken Scotty).

Kirk orders for two security guards to keep an eye on Nomad, and the next thing you know The BAMF Trio is standing around Scotty in sickbay as Nomad brings him back to life. Spock lets loose a 'fascinating.'

McCoy: "Lay down, Scotty. We'll check you out."

Nomad: "The unit Scotty is repaired. It will function correctly if your information to me was correct."

McCoy: "I'd like to check it out, if you don't mind. A man is not just a biological unit that you can patch together!"

_(((Leonard McCoy: Getting huffy at robots but still retaining his BAMFness since Nomad beamed aboard.)))_

Scotty wonders what happened, and Kirk says that McCoy will explain.

Spock: "Well, Doctor?"

_(((Spock, you seem to be pretty amused by this whole thing. What gives?)))_

Kirk then orders Nomad to "repair" Uhura, who's lying in sickbay, still blank as Miley Cyrus. Nomad says it can't do that, though, because he essentially wiped her slate totally clean. Spock chimes in that she could be re-taught.

McCoy: "Yes, I'll get on it right away."

He turns his attention to Nomad.

McCoy: "Oh, and in spite of the way you repaired Scotty, you metal ticking-"

Spock: "Does the creator wish to wait elsewhere?"

_(((Jesus, McCoy, you will get feisty with ANYTHING._

_I love you so hard.)))_

Kirk then orders Nomad to go with a couple of security guards. Spock explains to McCoy that he interrupted because Nomad's response to emotions is unpredictable, which can most definitely equal a shit ton of trouble. Kirk orders Spock to completely analyze Nomad so they can figure out how to shut it down for good.

Cut to later. Spock is sitting next to Nomad, and Kirk enters.

Kirk: "What's the problem?"

Spock: "An almost human stubbornness, captain. I have been unable to convince it to lower its screens for analysis. Without its cooperation, I can do nothing."

_(((Hm, stubbornness, eh? That sounds more like Kirk than Spock, even though Spock is always the obvious one that we compare to machines.)))_

Kirk: "Nomad, you will allow Mr. Spock to probe your memory banks and structure."

Nomad: "Mr. Spock is also one of your biological units, creator?"

Kirk and Spock trade looks. Spock is wearing a "see what I've been dealing with?" expression.

_(((Something tells me Kirk is very familiar with logical entities, Spock…)))_

Kirk: "Yes."

Nomad: "This unit is different."

Spock's eyebrows rise.

Nomad: "It is well ordered."

Spock looks from Nomad to Kirk with a "Well maybe this thing knows what it's talking about after all" expression.

_(((Seeing Spock's ego is very, very interesting. He's got a lot of pride. Actually, we've seen more examples of Spock's ego than Kirk's, and yet Kirk is the one with the huge cocky ego reputation. Hm.)))_

Nomad lowers its screens.

Cut to Chapel teaching Uhura to read, and she's starting to catch on.

_(((Ouch, my suspension of disbelief. It's stretching.)))_

Cut back to Spock and Kirk, where Spock announces that he simply can't get any specific answers from having the computer scan Nomad. Kirk then sits on the edge of the table.

_(((In Closeness News: Either their legs are touching or they're very, very close. Hard to tell. Shadows.)))_

Spock volunteers a good ol' fashioned Mind Meld.

Kirk: "You saw what it did to Uhura…"

Spock: "There is a risk, but I have formed a partial hypothesis. I must check it out."

_(((Q: Will Kirk warning Spock about danger ever be anything but adorable, no matter how small the instance?_

_A: Fuck no.)))_

Kirk then tells Nomad what Spock's gonna do, and it's all cool with the Nomad. Spock does his touchy touchy.

_(((Gotta hand it to Nimoy for this bit. He did some lovely voice work here.)))_

Spock: "I...am…Nomad. I am performing my function…….the emptiness…it approaches…collision…damage…blackness…I…am…the other…I am…Tom Rue…ton rue….Nomad…ton rue…error…law…imperfection…must…sterilize…rebirth…we…are…complete…much power…dun ta…nu…the creator instructs…search out…identify…sterilize imperfections…we…are…Nomad…we…are…Nomad….we…are…complete….we are instructed…our purpose is clear…sterilize…imperfections…sterilize imperfections…Nomad…sterilize, sterilize, Nomad…"

Now Spock is backing away, no longer in contact with Nomad. Something is clearly wrong, and Kirk knows it. He goes to Spock's side and grabs him.

Kirk: "Spock!"

As Kirk tries to get a good hold of Spock, he yells at Nomad to cut the connection.

_(((Kirk/Spock body contact like WHOA.)))_

When Nomad finally disconnects, Spock sags into Kirk's arms. Kirk turns him around and gets him the hell out of there, with Spock dazed, but alert enough to wrap his arm around Kirk's waist for support.

_(((::tugs at collar:: Is it warm in her to anyone else?)))_

_(((EDIT: Okay, so I didn't know that people__ thought there was a nipple pinch in this sequence, but apparently people do, so I'll comment on it._

_While Kirk's hand lands in a place that makes us all giggle, it's not a deliberate pinch. He's moving his hands around, trying to maintain his grip, and his hand lands in a humorous (and really quite mmph when you think about his hand really being there) place. _

_Also, I really can't believe that Kirk would choose this moment to do that. He's way too worried about Spock's well being to pull a stunt like that. We're given nothing that indicates he did it on purpose, and it would have been pretty out of character in the first place._

_Funny? Hell yes. Deliberately slashy? I'm afraid not. =( )))_

One of the security guards watches them go.

_(((I keep hearing that this moment from the guard is very "well, Kirk and Spock are at it again," but I must admit, I don't see that here. I just see kind of a blank stare from an extra._

_Not to worry though, a similar (but way more HOLY SHIT) moment is coming up in this season. Really soon in this season.)))_

Kirk takes Spock down the hall and presses him up against the corner of a wall.

_(((Does the above sentence sound like it's straight from a fanfic or WHAT?_

_But nope, not a fic._

_Canon._

_I love this show.)))_

_(((Now so far the physical contact has been necessary. That doesn't stop it from being completely UNF, but still. Necessary. He held Scotty in the same way for a few seconds a while back (_Space Seed_ I believe) when he was hurt, so this kind of thing is fairly par for the course for Kirk. Now, he didn't end up holding Scotty for nearly as long…)))_

Kirk holds onto Spock's shoulders as he slowly regains his composure.

Kirk: "Spock?"

Spock (very quietly): "Yes..."

Kirk (more urgent): "Spock??"

Spock: "Yes, captain. The knowledge…the depth…"

Kirk: "What does it mean, "we" are Nomad?"

_(((Um...::cough::…Kirk? Spock is kind of standing on his own…he's even talking and stuff…you…you can let go now…)))_

Spock: "It was, um…it was damaged in deep space…"

_(((No, really, Kirk. It's cool. You don't have to be holding him anymore. He's fine. I promise.)))_

Spock: "In, undoubtedly, the meteor collision. Its memory banks were destroyed-"

Kirk finally releases his grip on Spock's shoulders, letting his hands slide down the Vulcan's arms.

_(((I said "let go," not "trail your touch down his biceps.")))_

_(((My beta also mentioned that Kirk has never touched Spock like this before, and she's totally right. I don't think he would have dared touch him like this before _Amok Time_, but now that he is most likely aware of Spock's feelings towards him, we're seeing Kirk be a little more liberal with his touchy touchy. And by "liberal" I mean "ten solid seconds of completely unnecessary Vulcan holding, followed by letting his hands slide down Spock's arms. Fascinating.)))_

_(((The "ten seconds" was literal, by the way. I timed it from when the contact became extraneous to when Kirk let go.)))_

Spock: "-or most of them. It wandered without purpose, and then it met the Other. The Other was an alien probe of great power. Somehow they…merged, repaired each other, became one."

_(((So physical contact is really wonderful and squee-inducing, but am I the only one that finds this bit hotter than the full frontal assault of man groping that just pranced across my screen? Spock is all worked up and excited to share the information he's just learned, and then he starts talking about merging and becoming one…it's just…::fans self::_

_I'm not saying it was on purpose, but fuck if it isn't amazing to have Spock talking like that with Kirk about .23 feet away. GUH.)))_

Kirk: "Then it isn't Nomad."

Spock: "Not the Nomad we launched from Earth. It took from the Other a new directive to replace its own. The Other was originally programmed to secure and sterilize soil samples from other planets, probably as a prelude to colonization."

_(((OhhhhhhhhHHHHhHhhhhh, so Nomad has misinterpreted the directive of the alien probe, which is why they have this huge problem on their hands._

…_that's pretty clever, actually.)))_

Kirk rubs his chin for a moment, and leans up against the other side of the corner near Spock.

Kirk: "Changeling."

_(((And we have a title! ::throws confetti:: )))_

Spock instantly turns to face him.

Spock: "I beg your pardon?"

Kirk: "An ancient Earth legend, Mr. Spock. A Changeling was a fairy child that was left in the place of a human baby. The Changeling assumed the identity of the human child. So it is to sterilize…and for sterilize read: kill."

Spock: "And it has the power and the sophistication to do it."

Kirk starts rubbing his hands together.

_(((When that man gets active with his hands…::ogles:: )))_

Kirk: "Yes, it's powerful, sophisticated, but it's not infallible. It's…space-happy!"

_(((That is sooooo my favorite line of the episode. XD_

_The way he says it, plus the gesture with the arms (that's not over the top, it makes sense), the term space-happy…SQUEE.)))_

Kirk: "It thinks I'm its…mother."

_(((::cue double take::_

_Uh…what?_

_Is there a uterus you wanna tell me about, Kirk?_

_There was no mention of mothers in the fairy thing, no mothers anywhere else…so why didn't he say 'father?' Because maternity is just such a masculine thing to associate with the big sexy playboy Captain? Huh?)))_

_(((Also, my lovely beta, _TheLoyalOne_, pointed out that Spock has no problem/argument/comment or anything about Kirk referring to himself as the thing's mother. Hmmm…)))_

Spock: "That is the only thing that has saved us until now."

Kirk scoffs very lightly.

Kirk: "Yes…"

Kirk pulls Spock along by the shoulder and they walk off.

_(((These guys do more pulling and tugging than gay porn. Srsly.)))_

Meanwhile, Nomad hovers right through the force field that's supposed to be keeping it imprisoned and kills the guards outside. It then floats down to the engineering deck where Scotty is immediately wary, for obvious reasons. Nomad says that the ship's main drive is inadequate and goes about making it more efficient.

_(((It killed a couple of guys to go fix the ship? _

_Psycho-bot is psycho.))) _

Next thing you know the ship is accelerating at warp 11, even though the ship isn't designed to go that fast, which is kind of a huge problem.

But never fear, Captain Sexy Pants is here!!!

Kirk strolls on into the room, the picture of cool, calm and collected as he gently orders Nomad to stop.

_(((His ship is hurtling through space at speeds it wasn't even built for, and this guy isn't even batting an eyelash._

_Can't breathe, too much BAMFness in the room.)))_

Kirk has Nomad reverse the improvements and all is back to normal. Spock arrives then to tell Kirk that the prison cell door is damaged and that the guards have gone bye-bye and are assumed dead, so...you know…whups.

Kirk loses his cool for a brief moment, and almost gives Nomad the what-for but the robot's cool dismissal calms him down.

_(((We get a nice shot of suddenly worried-Spock when Kirk lets it slip that he's just another human. Adorable.)))_

Kirk then orders Nomad to go with two more security guards back to the waiting area, and it obliges, after mentioning something about reevaluating.

Kirk: "Reevaluate?"

Spock: "I suspect that it is about to reevaluate its creator. Captain, it may have been unwise to admit to the Nomad that you are a biological unit. In Nomad's eyes, you must now undoubtedly appear imperfect."

_(((Not _my_ eyes, mind you, in my eyes you are still perfect, but NOMAD'S eyes aren't as in love with you as I am._

_I mean._

…………

_Logical?)))_

Kirk: "It was a foolish mistake."

Spock: "Even worse, Nomad just now made a reference to its launch point. Earth."

Kirk: "Spock do you think it's possible that it got a fix on Earth when it tapped the computers earlier?"

Spock: "I do not believe there is much beyond Nomad's capabilities."

Kirk: "And we've shown it the way home…and when it gets there…"

Spock: "It will find the Earth infested with imperfect biological units…"

Kirk: "And it will carry out its prime directive…sterilize."

_(((I love it when they get in this kind of let-me-finish-your-thoughts groove. It feels like they just had mental sex, which brings new meaning to the phrase "Mind Fuck."_

_And really, do they ever finish thoughts like that with anyone else?_

_Hell to the no.)))_

Back from commercial, where Nomad doesn't feel like following the security guards anymore and blasts them to Red Shirt Heaven.

_(((I feel bad for them. It's crowded as shit in that Heaven.)))_

It slooooooowly hovers down the hall then sloooooowly floats up the ladder shaft thing.

Cut to Kirk and Spock walking down the hall, when McCoy calls them to sickbay over the PA system, saying it's an emergency. They take off running, and get there as Nomad is leaving. Kirk orders it to stop, and it doesn't.

_(((Hm, Nomad's disobeying Mommy's orders and killing people. It must be a teenager._

………

_That almost worked.)))_

They go in to see McCoy holding an unconscious Chapel. Apparently Nomad was perusing Kirk's medical file and Chapel tried to stop it, but she's not dead. This means that now Nomad knows that Kirk is just a silly old human and doesn't need to obey him anymore.

Scotty contacts Kirk to report that life support systems are down, thanks to something happening in the Engineering deck. As McCoy is about to say how much time they have left before they run out of air, Kirk cuts him off and orders Spock to grab some "antigravs" and meet him in Engineering.

_(((Aw, poor McCoy. He just wanted to remind the viewers that the stakes were really high. =( )))_

Cut to Kirk running into Engineering and ordering Nomad to repair the life support. Nomad doesn't respond, but orders Kirk to stop when he moves to do something himself. Nomad is trying to hijack the ship to take it to Earth. Kirk then starts to manipulate Mr. Roboto and convinces it that it's imperfect because it made the mistake of thinking Kirk was its creator.

_(((It's quite brilliant, really. You'd think they'd have Spock doing the Logical Dance, but nein! It's Kirk, and he's very good at it.)))_

Nomad then starts fritzing and smoking, and they slap the antigravs on it and take it to the transporter, where they beam it into deep space as it destroys itself with a big oxygen-necessary explosion…in space.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

Cut to later. Kirk and Spock are chatting on the bridge.

Spock: "My congratulations, captain. Dazzling display of logic."

_(((Spock giveth.)))_

Kirk is grinning widely.

_(((There you go again with the shameless flirting, Kirk.)))_

Kirk: "Didn't think I had it in me did you, Spock?"

_(((…::cough::…_

………

_::fishes mind out of the gutter:: )))_

Spock: "No, sir."

_(((And Spock taketh away.)))_

Spock's flat delivery makes Kirk's brow furrow.

_(((It's a ridiculously cute, "But…wait…you really didn't? I thought you did...and that made me happy…" expression. His face totally reads that, while he said 'you didn't think I could do it' he obviously thought that Spock really _did_. Poor cap'n, the Vulcan pulled the rug from under him._

_So. goddamn. adorable.)))_

McCoy pops onto the bridge to say that Uhura is now up to college level and should be back on the job in a week.

_(((OW!!_

_Sorry, my suspension of disbelief just ripped…I'll have to sew it back up…)))_

Kirk has a seat in his chair and crosses his legs.

_(((Best. Sitting position. Ever.)))_

Spock: "Remarkable."

Kirk: "What?"

Spock: "The destruction of Nomad was a great waste, captain. It was a remarkable instrument."

Kirk: "Which might well have destroyed more billions of lives. Besides, what are you feeling so badly about? It's not easy to lose a bright and promising son."

_(((Heeheehee…)))_

Spock: "Sir?"

Kirk: "Well, it thought I was its mother, didn't it?"

_(((Again with the mother thing…)))_

Kirk: "You think I'm completely without feelings, Mr. Spock?"

_(((Ahhhhhahahaha, his delivery is priceless. ::applauds Shatner:: )))_

Kirk: "You saw what it did for Scotty. What a doctor it would have made."

Spock is pretty damn confused.

Kirk: "My son…the doctor."

Spock arches an eyebrow.

Kirk pats his fist on his chest.

Kirk: "Gets you right there, doesn't it?"

Kirk and Spock trade looks. Kirk looks away with an "okay I guess not" expression.

_(((HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE, Kirk messing with Spock's head makes me so freaking giddy._

_Also, I can't help but think that Kirk is screwing him to get him back for the rug-pulling incident that happened moments before, bwehehe…)))_

End of episode!

* * *

**Score-Happy!**

Episode Specific:

Times McCoy had to get BAMF at the Mr. Roboto – 3

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 17

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 4


	38. 2x09 The Apple

**Author's Note:** ::big long sigh:: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this feels nice. We have some epic, EPIC stuff coming in the next few episodes.

P.S. – You can also find the production order of the episodes (the order I'm using) over at Memory Alpha.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Nine: The Apple**

A landing party beams down with the following people: Kirk, Spock, Chekov, two random crewmen, and a yeoman I get to call Blondie Blonde.

It is very clear that they are outdoors, and to even think that they are on some kind of sound stage would be silly and/or ridiculous.

_(((Fake foliage makes me giggle._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk orders everyone to get to work, and they all scatter. Well, except for Spock. Spock wanders over to Kirk.

_(((Shock. Amazement.)))_

Then three more people beam down: McCoy and two random crewmen.

McCoy and Kirk talk about how lovely the place is and that the last scouting ship reported some wEiRd sensor readings, so their mission is to check it out and contact whatever is living there. Meanwhile, right next to them, Spock kneels down and picks up a handful of dirt to examine.

Spock: "The soil here is remarkably rich and fertile here, captain. Husbandry would be quite efficacious."

Kirk looks Spock up and down with a slight grin.

Kirk: "You sure about that?"

_(((We're _barely_ over the minute mark and Kirk is already giving Spock the once over. _

_Ladies and Gentlemen, the Slash Drought is officially over. ::throws confetti::_

_Really, look at Kirk's expression and listen to his delivery of the line. It's a dead giveaway. Nobody looks at their "best bud" like that. Don't believe me? Try it with your closest friend sometime. Let me know how that works out for you.)))_

Spock says that he's quite sure then comments about how the planet is able to maintain a constant temperature of 76 degrees.

Cut to Chekov and the blonde yeoman walking up to The BAMF Trio.

Chekov: "It makes me homesick. Just like Russia."

McCoy: "More like the Garden of Eden, ensign."

_(((Gee, I WONDER what the MESSAGE of this EPISODE will be ABOUT?)))_

Chekov: "Of course, doctor. The Garden of Eden was just outside Moscow. A very nice place. It must have made Adam and Eve very sad to leave."

_(((A tip of my hat to Chekov for his incredible ability to bullshit, know he's bullshitting, and yet keep a completely straight face and sincere tone. Love him.)))_

Kirk: "Just outside Moscow…all right."

_(((Ha, I love his "all right" because, even though it's halfway under his breath, the delivery indicates a lighthearted "whatever floats your boat" attitude. It tickles me.)))_

Kirk tells everyone to head towards the village they have coordinates for, and they set off.

Then we get a shot of a flower looking around.

_(((It might seem silly to you, but it makes perfect sense to the good people watching at home who are currently baked out of their minds.)))_

_(((Now, whereas the flowers in _This Side of Paradise_ were of the sneezing variety and made people happy, these are more of the spitting variety and make people dead._

_The Plastic Flower of Doom Needles will now demonstrate.)))_

One of the random crewman notice the flower, gets Kirk's attention, and then gets a chestful of flower needles. In a matter of .3 seconds he's on the ground, dead as a redshirt can be (which is pretty damn dead).

Then we get a brief glimpse of a bad wig sneaking through the bushes.

_(((Trump?)))_

McCoy announces that the random crewman is dead, and Kirk stands up to take a moment and go all Captain Drama Pants on our asses.

Kirk: "What did somebody say? That paradise must have looked like this?"

_(((I'm assuming that you were referencing an author or something, and not a member of the landing party, because nobody has said that so far in this episode...)))_

Titles!

_(((This hour's writer is Max Ehrlich, and this is the only episode he had a hand in. Even though he only did one, he must have been a K/S supporter. The director of this episode is Joseph Pevney, who directed 14 episodes total, including _City on the Edge of Forever, Devil in the Dark, Amok Time, A Taste of Armageddon, Journey to Babel, The Deadly Years, The Trouble With Tribbles, _and more._

_So even if Ehrlich was clueless about K/S, Pevney couldn't have been, and between him, Roddenberry, and Gene Coon, it could have been easier to deal with a clueless writer as opposed to other cases where there's been a clueless writer AND director, which would make things more difficult.)))_

Kirk gets us all caught up with a Captain's Log: Evil flower, dead man.

Kirk is talking to Scotty (who's in charge of the ship) and telling him to get ready to beam up the body. Scotty mentions that they're losing "potency" in the anti-matter pods and they don't really know why but hey a Scottish BAMF is running things so chillax, cap'n.

Scotty: "I hear it's nice down there."

Kirk smiles a little.

Kirk: "Yeah, it's nice."

He picks a pretty flower from a nearby plant and looks at it. Spock starts walking up behind him.

Kirk: "If we're a little more careful, we shouldn't run into any more trouble."

_(((Aw, the last time we saw Kirk interested in flowers was in _Shore Leave_. Granted, the flower reminded him of (shudders from having to say her name) Ruth, but still. He's pretty flower happy in this episode, which gives people even more of a reason to make fun of anyone who tries to say that the depiction of Kirk was anything less than pure machismo._

………………

_::cough:: )))_

Scotty: "I could do with a nice walk in a garden with green leaves and grass."

Kirk glances at Spock like, 'Wow, not so subtle.'

_(((Like you can even BEGIN to throw stones, Mr. Googly Eyes.)))_

Kirk: "We'll do the walking, Scotty, you get on the anti-matter pod. If it gets any worse, let me know and we'll beam up. Kirk out."

Kirk takes a second to smell the flower.

Spock: "I find that most unusual, captain."

Kirk: "Scotty will handle it."

_(((On paper it looks like Spock is talking about Kirk's flower obsession, but the implication of his tone says that he's talking about Scotty's report.)))_

Kirk tosses the flower away.

_(((I know, I know, what the hell is with all of this hot Kirk-on-Flower action?_

_Well, for one thing, it's damn cute and, for another thing, it tells us something about Kirk's character. His softer side includes flowers and nature, which is an interesting aspect to throw in with the bookish intelligence, fearless bravery, quick thinking command, and thirst for adventure. He is quite the enigma.)))_

Spock then tells Kirk that there's underground vibrations going out for miles in all directions, and they're artificially created.

Kirk calls for a member of his crew.

Kirk: "Mallory!"

_(((Hey hey, must be the cute blonde. I knew she'd be thrown into the ol' playboy's line of sight eventually.)))_

A random crewman passes by the blonde and makes his way over to Kirk.

_(((…or…not…)))_

Kirk orders Mallory to go have a (careful) look-see around the planet with another random crewman. Spock notices something strange on his tricorder, and steps forward.

Spock: "Captain…"

Kirk notices that Spock knows something's up.

Kirk: "What is it?"

_(((In Closeness News: Kirk cozies right on up to Spock as a way to keep his back to the crewman until he finds out exactly what the situation is so he doesn't alarm his crew. Sure, he's got a reason to do it, but hey, it's physical contact, and that is cute.)))_

Spock: "There's a humanoid hiding directly behind us, moving with remarkable agility, bearing one-eight."

Kirk nods to a crewman to follow his lead and goes off to play hero, because he is one.

We get another brief glimpse of the bushwhacking wig.

Chekov asks Spock what's going on and Spock very calmly, and very much on the down low, tells him. The blonde yeoman overhears and gets a little spooked. Chekov heads over to her.

Blondie Blonde: "All this beauty, and now Mr. Hendorfff dead, somebody watching us…It's frightening."

Chekov: "If you insist on worrying…"

Chekov puts his arms around her.

Chekov: "Worry about me. I've been wanting to get you on a place like this for a long time."

And since she doesn't scream like a banshee and run flailing into the jungle, we can assume that they're in a relationship, which makes that comment non-creepy.

_(((Okay whoooaaaa, hold on. I want to clarify something here:_

_Kirk's last real Dame of the Hour was Edith, ten episodes ago._

_Before that, there was another Dame gap, only that one was even longer._

_And now CHEKOV gets a Dame in season two before KIRK does._

…………………

………………………………

……………………………………………

_IN WHAT FUCKED UP UNIVERSE DOES THAT MAKE SOMEONE A PLAYBOY!??!?!_

……………………

_Ahem._

_Continue.)))_

Kirk catches the young lovers fawning over each other.

Kirk: "Chekov, I'm glad to know you find each other fascinating, but we're not here to conduct a field experiment on human biology."

_(((WHOA. I've just been bitch slapped by two allusions to Spock in rapid succession. Holy crap._

_He stresses "fascinating," and he's clearly using it in a romantic context to mean 'I know you guys are dating and everything.'_

_After _Amok Time_, the word "biology" should snap you to attention._

_It's interesting that, when Kirk sees two members of his crew being all lovey dovey, he tosses out things that the audience (at the very least) associates with Spock. _

_It's also funny because Kirk is getting onto his crew for flirting on the job, which is a crime that Kirk is all too familiar with._

_The mind…it's daring to reel…)))_

Well the wig dude is really fast, so he got away. Kirk calls his crew over and says that they're being watched, but they will continue to head towards the village, and off they go!

We get a quick shot of some rustling bushes. Oh the terror!!

As Kirk and company walk through the jungle, they pass an interesting looking rock that Spock just has to pick up and examine so everyone stops.

_(((Well he _is_ the Science Officer.)))_

Spock: "Interesting. Extremely low specific gravity, some uraninite, horn blend, coarse…"

He snaps the rock in two.

Spock: "Fragile, good cleavage. An analysis should prove interesting."

Spock tosses half of the rock away, and when it lands, it explodes, knocking everyone off balance and throwing dust and dirt everywhere.

Kirk: "Would you mind being careful where you throw your rocks, Mr. Spock?"

_(((Ha, his delivery of that makes me smile every time. Yay humor-after-almost-dying.)))_

Spock comments that the rocks could actually be a significant source of power.

Kirk: "The Garden of Eden…with land mines."

_(((Swing and a miss, writers. It's okay, though, the previous line's niftiness makes up for it.)))_

Spock carefully sets down the other half of the rock and they go on their way.

Cut to more bushes with Restless Leaf Syndrome.

Scotty contacts Kirk and reports that the anti-matter pods are now totally drained, thanks to some kind of beam or transmitter from the surface that seems to be near the village they're headed towards.

Spock notes that the beam draining the ship could be connected to the underground tremors he mentioned earlier, and Kirk ventures that it could be a generator of some kind. He then steps over to McCoy, who is inspecting some of the thorns that killed the random crewman before the title sequence. Speaking of those thorns, another Plastic Flower of Doom Needles is seen, and it's turning towards Kirk and McCoy!

Spock sees what's about to happen, and dives towards Kirk.

Spock: "JIM!!"

He pushes Kirk, who bumps into McCoy, and both of them stumble off just in time…for Spock to get hit by the Doom Needles! OCTOLIEBE!!

_(((AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!_

_Spock saw his cap'n in trouble, had an emotional reaction (hence the 'Jim' and not 'captain') and saved his life! ::rolls around in the warm fuzzies::_

_Now, it's definitely worth noting that both Kirk and McCoy were in danger (we couldn't tell which one the flower would shoot at), and yet Spock only seemed worried about Kirk. He could have just as easily yelled "Move" or "Look out," but he didn't, he yelled "Jim." The writers wanted us to know that, in this moment, Spock's alarm was for Kirk._

_That's not to say that Spock doesn't give a crap about McCoy, mind you, but the emphasis was very blatantly on the cap'n.)))_

Kirk sees what's happened.

Kirk: "SPOCK!!"

He tries to run to him, but McCoy holds him back.

_(((Son. of. a. WHORE._

_In less than thirty seconds, we see Spock freak out over Kirk's safety, and Kirk freak out over Spock's safety, both cases featuring one yelling the other's name. ::dreamy sigh::_

_And Kirk was just gonna run out there. He doesn't give a shit about the danger, his Vulcan needs him!!!!1!1!!11one!!!!_

_This is also not the only time McCoy has had to keep Kirk from running to/helping Spock. He did it in _Operation Annihilate_, he does it _The Motion Picture_ (well, he tries to anyway), and I'm sure that we'll probably see him do it again sometime between here and there. Fascinating.)))_

Spock falls to the ground, and everyone runs to him.

Kirk falls to his knees.

Kirk: "Spock!"

_(((Oh god, the way he drops down and says Spock's name is just…GUH.)))_

McCoy starts looking Spock over. Kirk looks away long enough to see the rest of his crew.

Kirk: "Security alert."

The crew runs off to do their jobs.

_(((The way he looks up, the way he says the line…it didn't seem so much as a necessary command as "I can haz privacy? Kthxbai.")))_

McCoy prepares a hypospray.

Kirk: "Is he alive?"

McCoy doesn't respond right away as he gives Spock a Hypo full of Don't Die 'Cause Jim Will FREAK.

Spock doesn't move.

McCoy: "I filled him with enough Massiform D to make the whole crew turn handsprings and he's not responding. Gotta get him back to the ship, Jim."

Kirk calls Scotty and tells him to get ready to beam everyone up. He then yells "All hands" to get his crew back and they all wait to be beamed up.

_(((As they wait, by the way, McCoy is looking at Kirk with a concerned expression, like he's worried about how Kirk is doing now that Spock's life is in serious danger._

_McCoy. He motherfucking KNOWS.)))_

_(((Also, a random crewman is literally standing over Spock's body. I know it had to be done in order to beam up everyone in one fell swoop, but still. It looks hilarious.)))_

They try to beam up, but the transporter is being inhibited so…whups.

Back from commercial.

Kirk: "Captain's Log, supplementary: Our investigation of Gamma Trianguli VI has suddenly turned into a nightmare. We're being watched, followed, Mr. Spock has been injured, and now we find that we are unable to return to the ship."

_(((Uh, one of your crewmen also DIED, Kirk. You normally mention that, because that kind of thing affects you, but I guess Spock getting hurt trumps someone else dying._

_And "suddenly?" The crewman died, you were being watched, it all seemed to unravel. It wasn't just BOOM nightmare._

_Unless, of course, it only became a full out nightmare when Spock was _suddenly_ hurt.)))_

Kirk has Scotty look into whether the transporter malfunction is connected with the rest of the craziness going on with the ship. Spock then comes to his senses, rather quickly, and sits up. Everyone gathers around, and Kirk crouches down at his side.

Kirk: "You all right?"

Spock: "Dr. McCoy's potions are acting like all his potions, turning my stomach. Other than that I am quite well."

_(((::cat hiss::_

_Well SOMEBODY woke up on the wrong side of the deadly planet.)))_

McCoy: "If your blood were red, instead of green, you wouldn't have an upset stomach."

_(((You'd also be dead._

_But hey, your stomach wouldn't hurt.)))_

Kirk: "Just what do you think you were trying to do?"

Spock: "I surmised you were unaware of that plant, so I-"

Kirk: "Stepped in front and took the thorns yourself."

Spock: "I assure you, captain, I had no intention of doing that. It was merely my own clumsiness which prevented me from moving out of the way."

_(((Hmm…is this bullshit? The way he searches for the words "my own clumsiness" makes me think yes, but he really could have just as easily been planning to get out of the way himself as he could have planned to take the hit for Kirk.)))_

Kirk: "I see. Well next time just yell. I can step out of the way as quickly as the next man."

_(((Translation: Don't you _ever_ put yourself in danger like that again. It makes me worry.)))_

Spock: "I shall do so."

Kirk: "…tryin' to get yourself killed…Do you know how much Starfleet has invested in you?"

_(((Now THAT'S bullshit. We've seen him pull this kind of crap before (like in _Amok Time_), where he brings up Starfleet so he doesn't have to say how much HE really cares. _

_Because if he said "Do you know much __**I**__ have invested in you?" the censors might get the CrAzY idea that he's in love with his first officer in an adorably passionate way and have hernias.)))_

Spock: "One hundred twenty thousand-"

Kirk: "_Nevermind_."

_(((Transation: I still be angry wif yoo fer scarin' me like dat.)))_

They all stand up.

Kirk: "But…thanks."

_(((Heeheeheeheeheeeeeeeeeeee.)))_

Kirk orders a random crewman to go die- I mean 'take his post,' and then The BAMF Trio wanders away from the other crewman.

Kirk: "Not only is something after us, but it's after the ship as well."

Spock: "Captain, to affect this ship at this extreme range would require a highly sophisticated planetary defense system."

Cut to the planet is defending itself.

A crap ton of very menacing looking storm clouds swarm over head, when it had been a perfectly clear day a few seconds ago. Yet another random crewman's life is claimed, this time by a lightning bolt.

_(((And apparently, on this planet, lightning bolts make you slowly disappear and leave only a small crater behind._

…_.or…_

_Yay 60s.)))_

Everyone scrambles off and takes cover until the storm passes, then they all come out and find the sizzling hole where a crewman used to be.

Kirk: "Beautiful day, Mr. Spock."

_(((Yay grim sarcasm, bigger yay to only addressing Spock when there's, you know, OTHER PEOPLE there too.)))_

Kirk wanders over to some flowers and looks at one.

Kirk: "Not a cloud in the sky…just like paradise."

A random crewman calls in then to say that he's found the village they've been looking for, but before he can give a real report, the communicators start going on the fritz. They're in luck, though, because Spock says that the village is only a short distance from where they are, so they all take off running.

Even the random crewman who discovered the village is running.

Hey look, one of those exploding rocks is on the ground in front of him.

……………

…he's not running anymore.

Kirk and company get to the freshly dead crewman and gather 'round while McCoy confirms the guy's deadness.

_(((Jesus, they're dropping all over the place in this episode.)))_

Kirk: "Kaplan…Hendorff...I knew Kaplan's family…now Mallory."

McCoy: "Jim, you couldn't have stopped any of this."

Kirk: "His father helped me get into the Academy."

_(((Aw, these were never just "crewmembers" to Kirk, but it never occurred to me that he might actually know them. The heartstrings. They are tugged.)))_

Kirk wanders away to agonize over the deaths he blames himself for. McCoy looks up at Spock like 'Well? You gonna go console the man you love or what?'

_(((Seriously, McCoy really does look up at Spock like he knows Spock is the only one Kirk would listen to right now. How freaking sweet is THAT?)))_

Spock joins Kirk.

Spock: "Captain, in each case this was unavoidable."

Kirk: "I could've prevented all of it."

Spock: "I don't see how."

Kirk: "Walk in paradise…among the green grass and the flowers, I should've beamed up at the first sign of trouble."

Spock: "You are under orders to investigate this planet and this culture."

Kirk: "I also have the option to disregard those orders if I consider them overly hazardous. This isn't that important a mission, Spock. Not worth the lives of three of my men. Drop my guard for a minute because I like the smell of growing things and now three men are dead and the ship's in trouble."

_(((Well, even if we didn't have prior evidence to go on, now we officially know that Kirk's got a soft spot for "growing things" like flowers, and nature in general. _

_So just to recap: Chekov's gettin' some from the hot blonde and Kirk likes daisies._

…

_Just how in the hell did the general population get such a skewed view of Kirk in the first place? Srsly.)))_

Spock: "No one has ever stated that Starfleet duty was particularly safe."

_(((Couple things:_

_Spock doing his best to make Kirk _feel_ better makes me happy inside, even if Spock looks all cool and logical on the outside._

_We just saw a random cutaway to McCoy watching the both of them. What was that about McCoy knowing, again?)))_

Spock: "You followed the correct and logical course, done everything a commander could do. Self-incriminations-"

Spock stops mid-sentence and slowly looks around, almost like an alarm just went off in his head.

Spock: "Captain…"

_(((…my Spocky Senses are tingling…)))_

Spock: "…our friend is back."

Spock gives a small nod in the direction the 'friend' must be in, and Kirk calls Chekov and a random crewman over.

Kirk: "Gentlemen, something or someone is behind that rock."

_(((SQUEE.)))_

Kirk tells the crewman to run off and make a loud noise, then tells Chekov and Spock to create a diversion and make it loud before he slinks off to pull a sneaky sneaky on the hidden friend.

Spock then loudly begins the diversion.

Spock: "Mr. Chekov, your tricorder readings are totally inefficient!"

_(((BAHHHHAHAHAHAHA, GOLD. _

_PURE. GOLD.)))_

Chekov: "Uh, mind your own business, sir! For your information, I have a very high efficiency rating!"

Spock: "Ensign, I will not have you address me in that tone of voice!"

Chekov: "What do you want, violins?!"

_(((It's official. _

_Chekov needs to be bottled.)))_

Kirk gets the drop on the intruder and is quick to punch him in the face. The intruder then fights back- oh no wait he starts crying.

_(((This guy, by the way, has red skin, no shirt, a long white cloth wrapped around his waist, and the most hi-larious big poofy wig of white hair I've ever seen._

_Oh, he's also got insanely thick, silvery eye make up on and little gold designs on his cheeks. Still, because the hair is by far the most amazing aspect of this race, I'm sure you won't mind if I refer to them as "Wiggies.")))_

Kirk sees that the guy is crying and basically pitiful.

Kirk: "I won't hurt you."

_(((…anymore.)))_

Kirk: "Do you understand? I won't hurt you."

Wiggie: "You struck me…with your hand."

_(((Does anyone else feel like they just tuned in to a Lifetime wife beater drama?)))_

Kirk: "Well I won't strike you again. You've been following us, watching us. Why?"

Wiggie: "I am the eyes of Vaal. He must see."

Kirk: "Who is Vaal?"

Wiggie: "Vaal is Vaal, he's…everything."

_(((OHHHHHH well that explains absolutely nothing.)))_

Kirk: "Do you have a name?"

Wiggie: "I am Akuta. I am the leader of the feeders of Vaal."

The other crewmembers show up then, and Kirk assures Akuta that they won't harm him. Then gets on with the whole 'We come in peace, take us to your leader' bit, but Akuta says that he's the only one who speaks with Vaal because that's just the way Vaal likes it.

Spock: "Captain…this is fascinating."

Spock approaches Akuta and reaches out to seemingly touch his face.

_(((Whaaaaaaaaaat? Mr. Sensitive Hands just reached out like that?)))_

Akuta reclines at first, then Spock asks permission and leans in to get a look at the weird little antennae things that are sticking out from the sides of Akuta's neck.

_(((At no point does Spock actually touch him, he just sort of guides Akuta's head to the right and left, thusly keeping the whole established Vulcan touching thing intact.)))_

Akuta says that the antennae let him communicate with Vaal, and he got them from Vaal during the "Dim Time" so he could guide the people. Kirk then asks to be taken to these people, and off they go.

Scotty calls in to Kirk as he puts the ship on alert to tell him that some kind of tractor beam has reached out and grabbed them from the planet, and they don't have much power to sustain the pressure. Scotty asks a random crewman to calculate how long they have before they're pulled into the atmosphere, and sets to work writing on a data pad.

Scotty: "We might be able to pull out with warp drive, but without it we're like a fly on fly paper. Even worse, we're starting to lose ground. Hurry up with that figure, Kyle."

_(((Yeah, Kyle, use something really futuristic and far-fetched to help you with those numbers like, I dunno, a CALCULATOR.)))_

Kyle finally finishes the math and hands it to Scotty, who announces that they only have sixteen hours until everybody gon' die.

Kirk: "Scotty, you're my chief engineer. You know everything about that ship that there is to know, more than the men who designed it. If you can't get those warp engines working, you're fired."

_(((Apparently this is the "humor with a serious undertone" episode._

_I dig it.)))_

Scotty promises to do everything he can, and they hang up. Kirk walks over to Akuta and is all 'I wanna have a rap session wit yo leada man,' and Akuta is like, 'Pssh, I'll take ya to his crib but he only talks to da numba one brutha, and dat's me, cracka.'

They arrive at Vaal a little later. Vaal is a huge, kind of snake head looking thing with green and yellow (painted) eyes, a horn, and a wide open mouth that reveals a couple of fangs (one on the bottom, one on the top) and red, smoking gullet which we presume is where his food is thrown. It is glorious.

_(((Couple things:_

_Yay 60s._

_Vaal's name is now Larry. Everybody say 'Hi, Larry!')))_

Spock takes a tricorder reading and says that it's old, powerful, its center is very deep underground, and it's also a- WHOA FORCE FIELD!

Spock is knocked a few feet backward and right on his ass after he accidentally gets too close and an invisible force field protecting Larry gives him the what-for.

_(((His surprised expression as he lands is. fucking. priceless.)))_

Kirk is kneeling by his side in an instant.

_(((Are you surprised? Neither am I.)))_

Kirk: "A force field?"

Spock: "Obviously."

Kirk: "You all right?"

Spock: "Yes, quite."

Kirk takes Spock by the arm and helps him stand up.

Cut to a brief shot of Chekov and his girlfriend exchanging smiling glances.

_(((Did…did Chekov and the blonde just have a fangirl moment?_

_The answer:_

_HOLY SHIT YES THEY GODDAMN DID OMGWTFBBQSLASH!!!!!_

_The first time I watched this, it happened so fast that I had to play it again, because surely I misunderstood something, or I accidentally left my slash goggles on, or I was whacked out on hallucinatory drugs, but NO._

_When Kirk takes Spock's arm, we see Chekov and his girlfriend trade completely blatant, KNOWING, grinning glances. This isn't like in the last episode, where the guard just looks mostly blank, this is WHOA HOLY SHIT IN YOUR FACE BUT ONLY FOR A SPLIT SECOND BECAUSE IF THEY LINGERED ON IT THEN THE CENSORS MIGHT GET A FUCKING CLUE AND GIVE BIRTH TO A HERD OF COWS AND THAT CAN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY COW NAMES AND YOU CAN'T JUST CALL HALF OF THEM BESSIE AND THE OTHER HALF DELILAH 'CAUSE THAT SHIT'S CONFUSING AND SOME OF THEM ARE BOUND TO BE BOYS ANYWAY._

_Seriously people, we've seen this moment 2349054904 times in entertainment. When something telling/intimate happens between two characters and another two characters trade that kind of look, it always means the same thing, and you know crap well what thing is. I don't care if it happened really quickly, it still __**happened**__ in an __**episode**__ of __**TOS**__ in regard to __**Kirk **__and __**Spock **__and you don't get anymore __**canon**__ than __**that**__.)))_

Spock gives some details on the force field (including a cute little 'ouch' rub of his butt), then Kirk asks Akuta how he communicates with Vaal, who says that they only chat when Vaal wants to, but hey Vaal might wanna chat them at the next feeding time so while you wait you might as well come see the rest of the Wiggies.

They all arrive at a quaint little village, where a bunch of Wiggies are walking around, and Akuta introduces them. Kirk notices that there aren't any kids, and Akuta says that there are none because they don't need them (he doesn't even know what the specific word 'children' means).

Blondie Blonde: "But when a man and woman fall in love…"

Akuta laughs a little.

Akuta: "Strange words, 'children,' 'love.' What is love?"

Blondie Blonde: "Love is when two people are…"

Chekov walks over and puts his arm around her waist.

Akuta: "Ah yes, the holding, the touching."

_(((::cough::Remindyouofanyone?::cough:: )))_

Akuta: "Vaal has forbidden this."

McCoy: "Well, there goes paradise."

_(((HA, evidently McCoy likey teh sexxorz.)))_

Akuta then announces to the village that Kirk and company are to be welcomed as guests. The Wiggies then give them their traditional hand greeting, and a couple of chicks tie big flowery bracelet things around Kirk and Spock's respective wrists.

Wiggie Female: "Our homes are open to you."

Kirk mumbles his reply.

Kirk: "Uh, thank you…"

_(((I just like to _smell_ flowers, hon. _Wearing_ them is too feminine, even for me, and that's saying something.)))_

He looks at Spock.

Kirk: "It, uh, does something for you."

_(((Yay dry humor._

_It's also nice to hear to Kirk throw a compliment Spock's way, even if he was being sarcastic about it.)))_

Spock: "Indeed it does, captain. It makes me uncomfortable."

_(((Aw, the way he says that is so freakin' endearing.)))_

Random Wiggie (to Spock): "I'm Sayana. You have a name?"

Spock: "Yes, Spock. I am Spock."

All of the Wiggies start giggling over his name.

_(((Awwww, heyyyy! Don't laugh at the Vulcan!! It's a perfectly nice name!! RUDE.)))_

Spock: "I fail to see what they find so amusing."

Now everyone bursts into full out laughter.

_(((HEY, what did I say about laughing at the Vulcan?! He's been through enough this episode! DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU.)))_

Akuta leads Kirk and company to a hut that they can use to rest and hang out in, and he leaves.

Kirk calls Scotty to get an update on the ship, but shit is still looking like it'll hit the fan.

McCoy reports that he's checked out the natives.

_(((Holy crap, McCoy is as fast at physicals as Spock was with Pike's cart in The Menagerie.)))_

He then explains that there's no harmful bacteria anywhere in their bodies and there's no way to tell how old they are. They could be 25, they could be 43895083.

Kirk gets Spock opinion, who says that it's possible, since the atmosphere protects them from the suns harmful rays.

Kirk notices some movement going on outside and pokes his head outside to check it out. All of the Wiggies seem to be heading off to feed Larry, and Kirk follows them, only calling for Spock to tag along.

_(((I know what you want to say, and only having Spock join him isn't necessarily slashy. Spock is the First Officer and the Science Officer, and it would obviously be better to have as few people as possible to go do the sneaky sneaky.)))_

Transition to all of the Wiggies feeding Larry by just tossing food into its mouth, baskets and all.

_(((Half of their day must be spent making baskets for this crap. Srsly.)))_

Spock confirms that it must be a machine.

Kirk: "The field's down, people are going in. Let's see what kind of luck we have."

They move to go towards the Wiggies, but Larry's eyes instantly get bright and threatening sooooo they sit their cute butts back down.

They have a nice little chat about Larry, and how since he needs sustenance he must get weak around feeding time, and Kirk has Spock tell the ship to monitor how much power the tractor beam has hour to hour (most likely so that they can note whenever it starts to get weaker).

McCoy decides that this would be a good time to join the boys and debate their plan with Spock. McCoy is for destroying Larry because it's a stagnate culture, Spock is for leaving them alone because (in simple terms) no one's getting hurt and both sides are benefitting. Kirk listens as they argue in a civilized manner (for a change).

_(((Even though Kirk's got the habit of siding with Spock, it's not too hard to figure out that Kirk will side with McCoy. He's gone to great lengths to push a non-growing culture into a developing one, so we already know where he stands. Both sides have very valid points, though.)))_

Kirk basically tells them to table the discussion until the ship isn't on the verge of being obliterated. Scotty calls in to report that they've been monitoring Larry's power output, and the amount it puts out does drain a little as time goes on. They're also still working on getting as much power as possible to make an attempt to break away from the tractor beam.

Scotty: "We're putting everything but the kitchen sink into the impulse power, sir. It'll take us another eight hours to complete the work."

Kirk: "That's cutting it a bit fine, Scotty."

Scotty: "Aye, but if we don't break out…I'd rather we didn't have to wait too long for the end of it."

_(((Grim Scotty is grim.)))_

Transition to later, where Kirk and company are sitting in their hut and munching on colorful food. Well, everyone's sitting but Blondie Blonde.

_(((Kirk's got an apple-like fruit that he's munching on._

…_it makes me happy.)))_

Blondie Blonde: "Every time I think of the Enterprise burning up and us-"

Kirk: "Yeoman, you're wasting your energy."

Blondie Blonde: "Captain, we're trapped on this-"

Kirk offers his hand.

Kirk: "Sit down and have something to eat."

She takes his hand and he helps her sit.

Blondie Blonde: "The Enterprise has-"

Kirk: "That hasn't happened yet."

_(((This is not an even remotely flirty moment, for obvious reasons. I quite like this bit, because it shows Kirk putting on a strong face for his crew when we know that he's just as worried, actually probably more so, about the ship than she is.)))_

Kirk has her speculate about what would happen if one of the Wiggies died, and she says that if something were to happen that they'd need a replacement.

_(((A bit of a "ye olde duh" statement, but hey, I just like the fact that she was asked for her opinion first in a room full of men on a show in the 60s.)))_

Kirk then pokes Spock for an opinion.

_(((Not literally, but how cute would that be?)))_

Spock: "I see no alternative."

Blondie Blonde: "But these people…I mean, if they don't know _anything_ about…"

The Trio waits expectantly for her to continue.

_(((Q: How do you talk about sex on a television show in the 1960s?_

_A: Fucking vaguely.)))_

Blondie Blonde: "What I mean is…they don't seem to have _any_ natural, uh…I mean, how is it _done_?"

_(((Do you ever feel 'not so fresh?'_

…_I don't know why that line always reminds me of that commercial, but it does.)))_

Kirk's face is priceless. McCoy pops both of his eyebrows up for a second. Kirk looks away to think of answer, then he quickly looks over at Spock like a thought has just occurred to him.

Spock, who has been looking down, looks up at Kirk with a dry expression.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock? You're the Science Officer, why don't you explain it to the young lady."

_(((Hmmm, now what would make KIRK get the IDEA to have SPOCK explain SEX? _

_Could SOMETHING have maybe HAPPENED a few EPISODES ago that LINKED the two?)))_

Spock looks at the yeoman. McCoy waits. Kirk waits.

_(((Kirk, you sneaky bastard, putting Spock on the spot about sex like that. It also takes the question off your shoulders, but you could have just as easily passed it to McCoy. Sure, getting a logical being to talk about sex is more fun than a regular ol' human, but after _Amok Time_ it's turned into a bit of a new ball game, eh?)))_

Spock: "Well, I believe it's safe…"

He clears his throat.

_(((Can Spock catch the TINIEST bit of a break in this episode? Jeezy creezy._

_Although…Awkward Spock is particularly adorable…)))_

Spock: "…safe to assume that they would receive the necessary…instructions."

_(((HA. Leave it to Spock.)))_

McCoy: "From a _machine_? That I'd like to see."

_(((Voyeur much, McCoy? =P )))_

Kirk grins a bit and goes to take a bite out of his apple.

_(((Subtext: Heh, that little game went pretty well, if I do say so myself.)))_

Cut to Larry and Akuta chatting (only we don't know what Larry is saying), and Akuta walks off.

Cut to Blondie Blonde and Chekov having a nice smooshy romance scene, complete with kissing. A teenage guy and girl Wiggie are spying nearby, and they find that type of interaction interesting.

Wiggie Guy: "I do not understand."

Wiggie Girl: "They were not angry. I think it was pleasant for them."

Wiggie Guy: "But what is to be gained? It is not a dance,"

_(((Not a vertical one, anyway._

……………

_...well actually…)))_

Wiggie Guy: "It gathers no food,"

_(((And yet there can be a lot of eating…)))_

Wiggie Guy: "It does not serve Vaal."

_(((Unless it's a voyeur like McCoy…)))_

Wiggie Guy: "But it seemed as though it was pleasant to them."

The guy turns to the girl, and he starts reaching forward…

_(((He's gonna cop a feel ALREADY?!?!)))_

…and touches her shoulder.

_(((Oh.)))_

They take a whack at the whole kissing thing. Larry makes the sky rumble 'cause he no likey the kissy kissy, and then Akuta pops up out of nowhere.

_(((Is __**everyone**__ a voyeur in this episode?! My GOD.)))_

_(((Obviously, being a show in the 60s, it just so happened to be a male and a female that see some kissing and decide to try it out, but I look forward to the day where, in regular tv programming, a situation like this can come up and it can be two men or two women who wind up in this situation and it won't be a "political statement," it'll just be a part of the story.)))_

Akuta gets a message from Larry, and then tells the guy to tell the men to meet up with him later.

Cut to later, where Akuta gives them a lovely lesson in murder, where he uses a melon and a big heavy stick to demonstrate.

_(((Not creepy at all. o.O )))_

Back from commercial, where we see Kirk and Spock sitting in the hut while everyone else is asleep.

_(((I wonder what they were talking about before we dropped in.)))_

Spock voices his concern for interfering with the Wiggies, but Kirk sides with McCoy.

Spock: "If we do what it seems we must, in my opinion, we'll be in direct violation of the Non-Interference Directive."

_(((Uh…whups?)))_

Kirk: "These are people, not robots."

Spock looks down.

_(((Ouch…I think Kirk inadvertently hit a nerve.)))_

Kirk: "They should have the opportunity of choice. We owe it to them to interfere."

_(((Message what? Substance what?)))_

Spock: "Starfleet Command may think otherwise."

Kirk: "I'll take my chances."

_(((Well considering that they also need to do something about Larry to get the hell off the planet and save the ship, it's no wonder Kirk is willing to take the chance. If it was just the Wiggies at stake, we can't be sure if he would be quite so willing to risk his captaincy. I'm not saying that he _wouldn't_, just that the decision would be so cut and dry.)))_

Kirk tells Spock to have a look outside and make sure that all is well while he calls Scotty to see how things are coming. The ship is about thirty minutes away from being ready to make its big pull away attempt, and also about forty-five minutes away from burning up in the atmosphere.

Spock comes in and announces that the Wiggies have kind of vanished for no reason, and everyone heads outside.

Transition to Kirk and Spock as close to Larry as they can get without running into the force field.

Kirk: "Vaal, we are on a peaceful mission. We mean no harm to you or your people."

Vicious looking storm clouds form overhead.

_(((Translation: DO. NOT. WANT.)))_

Lighting starts striking everywhere, and Kirk decides that now would be a good time for them to flee in a manly fashion.

Just as they're about to, however, Spock is struck by lightning!!!

_(((Shot by a poisonous flower, knocked on his ass by a force field, and now he's hit by LIGHTNING?!?! _

_WHAT KIND OF SICK SADIST WROTE THIS EPISODE???!?!?!?!)))_

Kirk sees it happen, and runs to him.

_(((And all three times, Kirk is the point of concerned focus._

_WHAT KIND OF HOPELESS ROMANTIC WROTE THIS EPISODE?!?!?!?!?!)))_

Kirk picks up Spock, throws him over his shoulder, and high tails it out of there.

_(((In Physical Contact News: __**Hawt. Dayum.**__)))_

Cut to Kirk getting back to the village. He calls for McCoy, and they both sit Spock down on the ground. As McCoy checks out the wound, Kirk puts a hand on Spock's shoulder.

_(((Heeheehee.)))_

McCoy: "Second degree burns."

_(((From a LIGHTNING BOLT that turned a crewman into a CRATER?!?!)))_

McCoy: "Not serious, but I bet they smart."

Spock: "Doctor, you have an unsurpassed talent for understatement."

_(((So if the wound was just minor, why the hell did they bother hurting him in the first place? _

_And hey, couldn't the tricorder have picked up the force field, instead of Spock running into it?_

_And hadn't it already been established that the Plastic Flowers of Doom Needles were deadly before Spock was threatened?_

…_so why the hell was Spock put through so much pain?_

…_and why the hell was Kirk's concern always the focus?_

…………………

_Well shit, __**I have no idea**__.)))_

WIGGIE ATTACK!!!

Another random crewman gets taken down, and soon there's an all out Wiggie vs. Starfleet brawl and, hey, Blondie Blonde gets to throw and kick a couple of guys!

_(((Woo!!! Yay women!!!)))_

Once it's all said and done, Kirk has all of the Wiggies put in the hut and guarded. Spock then comments how the Wiggies seem to be on their way to humanity after all, what with the killing and everything.

Transition to a little later. Scotty is ready to try and pull the ship away, with Kirk listening in on a communicator. They try, but the tractor beam says "Uh…no?" And they don't get far before damn near everything on the ship breaks down.

Scotty: "Captain, we pulled away a little. We gained maybe an hour but we blew almost every system on the ship doing it. There's nothing left to try again. I guess you'll have to fire me, sir."

_(((Whoever is inventing the thing that lets you hug a character through the screen is TAKING TOO DAMN LONG.)))_

Kirk: "You're fired."

_(((Aw, he's clearly not serious. If anything, he's absolutely stunned and taken aback that this is happening.)))_

Kirk hangs up, visibly worried and shaken. McCoy approaches him, he knows what this means to Kirk and how he's gonna blame himself.

Kirk: "Four hundred people…"

McCoy: "Jim."

Kirk: "They'll die because I couldn't see the warning signs. I had to follow orders, always orders."

Kirk starts wringing his hands, to an extent.

_(((You know, Kirk has quite a few moments with his hands like this, even though we all focus on Spock's hands most of the time. Hm.)))_

McCoy just looks around. He has no idea what to say.

_(((Now here's an interesting bit of contrast. Earlier, when Kirk was blaming himself for the deaths of three crewmen, Spock dove right in and knew just how to argue with Kirk (he may have even won eventually, but they were interrupted) and yet here, McCoy doesn't even know what to say. We know that McCoy has _literally _looked to Spock to handle this kind of situation, which is really. freaking. fascinating. _

_Kirk and McCoy are best buds, they have an open flow of communication, we've seen it in previous episodes, and yet we're given a clear example of a place in Kirk that apparently only Spock can reach, and McCoy is aware of that._

_Dear god, it's so perfect I could jump off a cliff._

_But first, I have to go chase down my mind. The damn thing has recovered from _Amok Time_ and has more energy than ever now. Oy.)))_

Larry calls the Wiggies to feed it, but the crew keeps them in the hut. Kirk gets an idea, and tells McCoy 'No fud 4 teh Larry, k?' Then he and Spock run off to save the day.

Kirk and Spock arrive at Larry once again. Kirk calls Scotty and tells him to get ready to fire phasers at the thing. Kirk and Spock basically discuss what we already know, and then…

Kirk: "The ship's pulling away must have weakened it considerably. It has to be fed, but its reserve capacity could hold out for days."

Spock: "If it had to reinforce its energy field to put off a phaser attack, it would have to draw more heavily on its reserves."

_(((Check out the look on Kirk's face as Spock is talking. That little happy grin of admiration is just GUH. And why is he grinning?)))_

Kirk: "My plan exactly."

_(((Because, once again, they're thinking the _exact_ same thing, which evidently makes Kirk want to smile fondly, even in a dire situation._

…

_Yeah, they passed the legal limit of cuteness a looooooooooooong time ago.)))_

Kirk gives Scotty the order to fire on Larry. Kirk and Spock then take cover.

_(((Their cover, by the way, is a couple of trees with trunks no bigger than that of palm trees…just before a spaceship fires phasers at a huge power source._

_Epic cover fail, ftw.)))_

The Enterprise fires, Larry dies. Huzzah!!

Kirk calls Scotty.

Kirk: "Mr. Scott, status report."

Scotty: "Tractor beam gone, potency returning to anti-matter pods. I'll have all engineering sections working on the circuits immediately. Transporter'll be ready in an hour."

Kirk: "Scotty, you're re-hired!"

_(((YAY!!)))_

Kirk: "As soon as the transporter's fixed, form an engineering detail with full analytical equipment and beam them down. Kirk out. Chekov, Bones, let those people go."

Kirk and Spock look at each other.

_(((Heh.)))_

Transition to later, where Kirk and company are standing in front of Dead Larry with the Wiggies before them.

Akuta wonders what the crap they're supposed to do now.

Kirk: "You'll learn to care for yourselves, with our help, and there's no trick to putting fruit on trees. You might even enjoy it. You'll learn to build for yourselves, think for yourselves, work for yourselves, and what you create is yours. That's what we call freedom. You'll like it a lot. And you'll learn something about men and women, the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other, that's what we call 'love.' You'll like that too. A lot…"

_(((Of course they had to say 'men and women,' it was the 60s._

_Oy 60s.)))_

_(((This speech uses generalizations when describing love, but we still have yet to come across an instance where the description of romantic love excludes the happenings between Kirk and Spock.)))_

Kirk: "…you and your children."

The Wiggie girl who tried kissing earlier (who is being held by the Wiggie guy who did the kissing), speaks up.

Wiggie Girl: "What are children?"

_(((::tugs on Kirk's leg::_

_Uncle Sexy Pants, where do babies come from?)))_

Kirk: "Uh…little ones? Look like you? They…oh just go on the way you're going, you'll find out."

_(((Does it make anyone else squee when Kirk puts his hand out like that and says 'little ones?' He did it once before too, and it's just…teehee.)))_

The Wiggies find him funny.

Cut to later, on the Enterprise. Kirk is climbing up the ladder to a floor of the ship, and overhears Spock and McCoy arguing.

McCoy: "I don't agree with you at all, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "That's not unusual, doctor.

McCoy: "Jim, I want you to hear this."

Spock: "Captain, I'm not at all certain we did the correct thing on Gamma Trianguli VI."

McCoy: "We put those people back on a normal course of social evolution. I see nothing wrong in that."

Kirk: "Well that's a good object lesson, Mr. Spock, a good example of what can happen when a machine becomes too efficient, does too much work for you."

_(((Message what? Substance what?)))_

Spock: "Captain, you _are_ aware of the biblical story of Genesis?"

Kirk: "Yes, of course I'm aware that Adam and Eve tasted the apple and, as a result, were driven out of paradise."

Spock: "Precisely, captain, and, in a manner of speaking, we have given the people of Vaal the apple, the knowledge of good and evil, if you will, as a result of which they too have been driven out of paradise."

_(((What's this, atheist Spock using a biblical story to make his point?_

_Well why not, it's a damn good point. Even if he doesn't believe in it, it brings up some key issues that are relevant to his argument. Roddenberry was an atheist too (golly, what a coincidence), but that obviously didn't stop him from doing this episode and bringing up the moral arguments of paradise versus knowledge._

_And hey, Kirk was seen eating an apple in this episode, and a couple of other times (including the movies). Could this be taken as a symbol that Kirk chooses knowledge and strife over paradise and ease? It's very, very likely._

_This episode actually brings up quite a few debatable subjects that could be discussed at length, despite all of the Yay 60s moments._

_Go _Star Trek_.)))_

Kirk: "Doctor, do I understand him correctly? Are you casting _me_ in the role of Satan?"

Spock: "Not at all, captain, I am merely-"

Kirk: "Is there anyone at all on this ship-"

Kirk and McCoy circle Spock.

Kirk: "-who even remotely looks like Satan?"

Kirk and McCoy stare at Spock, who crosses his arms.

_(((Hm, I've noticed that Spock seems to cross his arms whenever he's uncomfortable or closed off. I'd say it's something to keep an eye on.)))_

Spock: "I am not aware of anyone who fits that description."

Kirk: "No, Mr. Spock, I didn't think you would."

Kirk walks off, fighting back a smile, and McCoy leaves with a grin as well.

_(((BAHAHA, so by this point the show's history, fans and others had commented on how Spock looks a bit satanic, and I freaking love that they decided to mention it in an episode, and in such a cute way. _

_And, once again, Kirk can't help but tease Spock. What a bastard. XD )))_

_

* * *

  
_

**Score!!**

Episode Specific: 

Times I Laughed At the Wiggie's Wigs – 4324

Times Spock yelled Kirk's name out of sheer panic – 1

Times Kirk yelled Spock's name out of sheer panic – 1

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 21

Times Spock is Injured – 7


	39. 2x10 Mirror Mirror

**Author's Note: **Oh my, I do believe this is the halfway mark for TOS. O.O

Wow.

We still have movie 1-6, plus the new one, to get through, so we're not quite halfway through the project itself, but still. ::throws confetti::

Here's to a second half as unbelievably fun and enlightening as the first, eh?

Also, this project now has over **ONE THOUSAND REVIEWS**. I don't even know how to comprehend that, much less comment on it. I'll figure out some way to celebrate. Until then: I FUCKING LOVE THE PLANET.

P.S. – Lurker Reader, if you insist on posting such wonderful and captivating reviews, you could at least snag an account so I can reply instead of just flailing at my computer screen. =P

P.P.S. – The same goes for you, 2lazy2login. There you go making a damn good observation that made me go back to This Side of Paradise and add a very interesting note, and I can't even reply to tell you how nifty you are. For shame.

P.P.P.S. – If there's one question I keep getting it's "Will you do the movies too?" so here is the big, official answer: YES, I will be analyzing MOVIES ONE through SIX. Some of it might just be highlights, but I haven't decided yet. And YES, I will also be analyzing the NEW MOVIE as well. It will all be in this 'fic' too, so you won't have to go scrambling around looking for things. Yay internet.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Ten: Mirror, Mirror**

Kirk, Scotty, McCoy and Uhura (the last of whom is clearly practicing for her upcoming Captain Morgan commercial) are outside on a planet with an old guy as they stare up at the sky and marvel at the thunder and lightning.

_(((God is obviously as confused as we are.)))_

Geezer McGayDress: "We believe what you say, Captain Kirk,"

_(((Yeah, what was that again?)))_

Geezer McGayDress: "but our position has not altered. The Halkan council cannot permit your Federation to mine dilithium crystals on our planet."

_(((Ah, gotcha.)))_

Kirk: "We have shown the council historical proof that our missions are peaceful."

_(((My my, Kirk, you are looking particularly Captain Sexy Pants this episode. Meow.)))_

Geezer is all 'Yeah yeah, you're nice and cute _now_ but you could totally turn into bitchy hags later and we just can't take that risk because we are like _really_ peaceful and shit.'

Lightning strikes again and Kirk calls Spock on the bridge to get a report on the storm.

Spock: "Standard ion type, captain, but quite violent and-"

The ship shakes for a moment and they bounce around a little.

Spock: "and unpredictable."

Kirk: "Rough ride?"

_(((Dear god in heaven, he even said it with a little smile._

_Ahem._

……………

……………………

_::fishes mind out of the gutter:: )))_

Spock: "If we stay."

Kirk puts him on standby to beam everyone up and tells him to plan on getting the hell out of there.

Geezer tells Kirk that the council _(((whoever they are)))_ will meet _(((wherever that is)))_ and talk _(((about something))),_ but there's pretty much no chance of them changing their minds.

_(((Hey, do I spy the Transmuter from _Catspaw _painted gold and in Geezer's hands?_

_Recycled props, ftw.)))_

As Kirk and company get ready to beam up, Geezer says that the Federation could always just, you know, TAKE the crystals by force, and Kirk says that they could, but they won't.

_(((Woo, Federation! ::waves flag:: )))_

Everyone beams up then…well no…they almost beam up…now the Enterprise is flying to the right, no the left, right, left right left AHHHHH!!!!!

They finally beam to the Enterprise, only now Kirk and company are in decidedly more snazzy costumes.

_(((Set phasers to FABULOUS, people. Srsly._

_Kirk has no sleeves (and nobody's gonna argue) and a very manly, glittery gold scarf tied around his waist, while Uhura is baring her midriff for the entire galaxy to see and holy SHIT does that woman have a STOMACH. _

_In the 60s, showing sexy white stomachs was controversial enough, but a sexy black woman's stomach was a whoooooole other ballgame.)))_

Everybody freezes when they see that their surroundings aren't exactly normal. First of all, there's a sword-through-a-planet insignia that's printed on every damn panel in the room, and oh yeah Spock is doing a salute similar to HITLER'S and has an EVIL BEARD OF EVIL.

_(((As giggle worthy as that thing is…it really does make him look way more Evil.)))_

Close up on Kirk as he sees that Spock isn't quite himself.

_(((It's clear that seeing Spock is what clues him in to something being wrong. We even get a big dramatic zoom in that says HI, KIRK, THIS SHIT IS NOT NORMAL. KTHXBAI.)))_

Evil Spock gives an Evil order to a random Evil henchman then takes an Evil step forward.

Spock: "Status admission, captain?"

Kirk doesn't respond right away. He's still bit in awe of the whole 'we are SO not in Kansas anymore' thing. After a moment, he steps towards Spock and says that there's no change in the status.

_(((He's flying by the seat of his sexy pants, at this point. He knows fuck all about what's going on.)))_

Spock: "Standard procedure, captain?"

Kirk nods and Spock contacts Sulu on the bridge and orders that he target a bunch of cities on the planet below.

_(((I guess the standard procedure for being told no is to wipe everyone out. How five-year-old-on-a-playground of them.)))_

Evil Spock then notices that the random henchman didn't "compensate" during the ion storm, and therefore punishes him with a handy little torture device that evidently everyone is supposed to carry, lovingly called the Agonizer. Spock has no qualms about using it on the random henchman, and the dastardly act throws us into the title sequence.

_(((Jerome Bixby is this hour's writer. Besides _Mirror, Mirror,_ he also wrote _Day of the Dove, By Any Other Name, _and _Requiem for Methuselah.

_Mhm. He's a friend, people._

_The director is Marc Daniels. He did 15 episodes, including _The Naked Time, Spock's Brain, _both parts of _The Menagerie, The Changeling, A Private Little War_, and was even matched up with Bixby again for _By Any Other Name_._

_I dare say he's a friend, too._

_Oh, and the great and wonderful Gene Coon produced this episode as well._

_This should be fascinating.)))_

Back from titles, where Spock pointedly and firmly suggests that McCoy and Scotty get to friggin' work. The random henchman mentions something weird that happened during the transport, and Evil Spock asks Kirk if he feels any different.

In a moment of quick thinking Kirk says yes, and that McCoy should check out the landing party. They all start to head out, but Kirk turns to Evil Spock at the last second.

_(((And his glittery sash provides a fantastic, and completely butch looking, flourish to his movements. _

_Why hello there, Captain Sashy Pants.)))_

He tells Evil Spock to check the transporter, then the landing party leaves. They walk down the hall, where they meet another henchman who gives them the almost-Hitler salute, and Kirk somewhat absently returns the gesture and continues.

_(((I wonder how disturbing it was to see the lead in a 60s network TV show give an almost-Hitler salute.)))_

They get to sickbay, which has been changed around a bit but some things are still the same. They all put their heads together to try and figure out what the crap is going on, and Scotty suggests that the ion storm screwed with something and simply sent them someplace else.

Kirk: "Yes, here. Not our universe, not our ship…something…"

_(((C'mon, Kirkie-poo…starts with a P…)))_

Kirk: "…parallel!"

_(((::applauds:: )))_

Kirk: "Parallel universe, coexisting with ours on another dimensional plane. Everything's duplicated, almost. Another Enterprise, Spock with a beard…"

_(((I fucking LOVE that Spock's BEARD is what Kirk lists as an abnormality. Not the Agonizer, not the brutal tactics, it's the BEARD. It's like they knew how awesome it was. Love it.)))_

Uhura: "Another Captain Kirk, another Dr. McCoy, another…"

McCoy: "Exchange. If we're here…"

Kirk: "Then our counterparts must have been transporting up at the exact same time. Similar storms in both universes disrupted the circuits. We're here and they're-"

Cue the dramatic music.

Kirk: "-on our Enterprise."

McCoy brings up the Halkans and how they just can't let them be killed in this universe. Kirk gets an idea and has Scotty go tinker with the phaser banks to buy them some time to figure out how the hell they're gonna get back home _and_ save an entire population. Kirk sends Uhura off to her post to find out what his precise Starfleet orders are regarding the Halkans. Uhura hesitates because she's a bit overwhelmed by this whole alternate universe mishigas. Kirk takes a moment to boost her confidence and reassure her, then she's off to do her duty.

Cut to the bridge of the Evil Enterprise, where we see that Evil Sulu has a big Evil scar across the side of his face. Uhura arrives and does her best to take her post as smoothly as possible. Evil Sulu wastes no time in approaching her and doing his slimy best at making a pass. Uhura swats him away as Kirk joins the party. He asks Uhura for a report, and she quietly tells him that his orders are to kill the Halkans unless they comply, and that there's no other option. Good times.

Kirk has a seat in the Evil Captain's chair (which features a higher back than the Good one) as Evil Sulu says that the phasers are locked on and they're ready to kill some innocent vermin, dagnabbit. Kirk keeps the killing on stand-by.

Meanwhile, Scotty tries to get to the phaser couplings but is cut off by a henchman who demands authorization confirmation, so there goes that idea. Scotty contacts Kirk to tell him as much so…Plan B, anyone?

Evil Spock pops onto the bridge and sees that the planet is rotating the target out of range, and Kirk doesn't order that the phasers be readjusted, which prompts Evil Spock's eyebrow to pop up.

Kirk and Evil Spock have a mini-debate about To Obliterate or Not To Obliterate, with Kirk ultimately keeping the phasers on stand-by. Evil Spock notes that doing something Not Evil is a serious breach in protocol.

Kirk chats with the Halkan council elder Geezer McGaydress, giving them twelve hours to surrender or be killed.

_(((Which also gives Kirk and company twelve hours to figure out how to get home and permanently save the Halkans in the process. He's buying time.)))_

After he finishes laying down the "After 12 hours we kill you and all you know" thing, he heads to his quarters, ordering that McCoy and Scotty meet him there. As this happens, Evil Chekov overhears and presses a button at his Evil console. He gets off the bridge before Kirk, who's stopped by Evil Spock.

Evil Spock: "Captain, you placed yourself in a most grave position. This conduct must be reported."

_(((Sash or no sash, you will accept responsibility for your actions, sir.)))_

Kirk: "You're at liberty to do so, Mr. Spock."

_(((Kirk's been doing a pretty good job playing Evil, and this moment is no exception. His firm delivery is miles away from how Kirk normally addresses his Vulcan. Oh how I wish we could hear Kirk's thoughts throughout the episode…)))_

Kirk gets in the turbolift with Evil Chekov, who eyes the captain with the creepiest rape-face I've ever seen.

The second Kirk steps off the turbo lift he gets a palm right in his face, two guys grab him, and Evil Chekov draws his phaser.

Evil Chekov: "So you die, captain, and we all move up in rank."

_(((Oh my, what an eeeeeeeeeeeeeEvil way of doing things, Mirror Universe.)))_

Evil Chekov: "No one will question the assassination of a captain who has disobeyed prime orders of the empire."

_(((Careful now, if you layer on any more Evilness to your lines you'll have to grow a mustache just so you can twirl it.)))_

Then Evil Chekov has to hold an Evil grin until the show finally decides to go to commercial.

_(((Bless Koenig's heart, but that attempt at an Evil grin is one of the most hilariously awkward things in this season, let alone the episode._

_And the 'blood' on Kirk's chin? Priceless._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Back from commercial, and Evil Chekov is still trying his hardest to look (wait for it) Evil.

Kirk: "Captain's Log, supplemental: I command an Enterprise where officers apparently employ private henchmen among the crew, where assassination of superiors is a common means of advancing in rank."

All of the sudden one of the henchmen busts out a phaser and, after a brief skirmish, kills both of the dudes that were holding Kirk and only knocks out Evil Chekov.

_(((Because even if they're Evil and in a parallel universe, any recurring character is in-freakin-vincible.)))_

Two guards show up and Kirk vouches for the guy who helped him, and then promptly punches said guy in the face for being an opportunistic douche (he only helped Kirk for his career). The guards now hold an unconscious Evil Chekov.

Baldy Guard: "The booth for this one, sir?"

Kirk pauses for a second. He has no idea what the hell 'the booth' is.

Kirk: "Yes, the booth. Carry on."

Transition to Kirk, Scotty, and McCoy walking into the Evil version of Kirk's quarters. McCoy notices something on Kirk's chin and quickly wipes it off.

McCoy: "What's this?"

_(((Uh…Evil Spock digs boy scouts?_

………………………

…………………

_Yeah that's right, I implied that Kirk gave Evil Spock head._

_I'll pause while you run off to the write the NC-17 fanfic._

_No rush, I can wait.)))_

Kirk: "It's called blood."

_(((Why hello, Snippy Kirk. Staying long?)))_

Kirk warns them about the kill-to-get-ahead scheme this universe seems to employ, Scotty compares the security (and Evil Sulu) to the Gestapo, and the sadists in sickbay torture people until they pass out and take bets on when exactly that'll happen so, you know…that's Evil.

Kirk has a seat and asks the computer if an ion storm could cause all of this, and it says yes.

_(((Kirk is crossing his legs again. Unf._

_And are those Evil knee-high boots he's got on? Double unf.)))_

Kirk has the computer record exactly when and how the circumstances could be replicated and hands the recording (ie: the square piece of yellow plastic) to Scotty.

Kirk: "Scotty, can you do it?"

Scotty: "Not by myself, I'll need help. You'd be too conspicuous."

They look at McCoy.

McCoy: "I'm a doctor, not an engineer."

_(((HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE.)))_

McCoy then wonders exactly what their Evil counterparts are like, so Kirk asks the computer for their official records.

Computer: "Captain James T. Kirk. Succeeded to command I.S.S. Enterprise through assassination of Captain Christopher Pike. First action: Suppression of Gorlan uprising through destruction of rebel home planet. Second action: Execution of 5,000 colonists on Vega 9."

_(((Long story short (too late): Evil Kirk is Evil.)))_

Scotty pops into frame to say that they can do it, but once they interrupt the engine circuits it'll show up on Evil Sulu's console. Kirk gets an idea to have Uhura distract Evil Sulu and they break the huddle. Well, almost. McCoy stops Kirk.

McCoy: "Jim, what do you suppose our counterparts are doing back in our universe?"

Kirk: "On our Enterprise…"

Cut to Evil Kirk fighting against a couple of random crewman, screaming like a madman as they force him into the brig.

Evil Kirk: "I order you, let me go!"

Spock is calmly standing next to the doorway.

Evil Kirk: "Spock, get these men off me!"

They finally get him in the cell with the other Evil members of the landing party, and Spock turns on the force field. Evil Kirk is not a happy camper.

Kirk: "Spock! You traitorous pig, I'll hang you up by your Vulcan ears. I'll have you all executed!"

_(((It's not hard to see how people figured out that something was wrong with the landing party.)))_

Spock: "I think not. Your authority on this ship is extremely limited, captain. The four of you will remain here in the brig and in custody until I discover how to return you to wherever it is you belong."

Evil Kirk: "Has the whole galaxy gone crazy? What kind of a uniform is this? Where's your beard? What's going on? Where's my personal guard?!"

_(((HA!!! Another mention of the beard. Of all the things he could've mentioned that were different, and they had him bring up the Evil Beard of Evil. They totally knew the awesomeness.)))_

Spock remains the picture of cool.

Spock: "I can answer none of your questions at this time."

Evil Kirk thinks he's got the picture and smiles knowingly.

Evil Kirk: "All right, Spock, whatever your game is I'll play it. You want credits? I'll give them to you. You'll be a rich man. Command of your own? I can swing that too."

Spock: "Apparently some kind of transposition has taken place. I find it…extremely interesting."

Spock goes to leave.

Evil Kirk: "Spock! What is it that will buy you? Power?"

Spock (to himself): "Fascinating."

_(((I think someone misses his cap'n.)))_

Cut back to Captain Sashy Pants as he strolls down the hall of the Evil Enterprise. Evil Spock and his personal Evil guard round the corner and catch up with him.

_(((So we just saw how Spock and Evil Kirk interact, and now we get to see how Evil Spock and Kirk interact. Hm.)))_

Spock: "Captain, I am pleased that you frustrated Mr. Chekov's plan. I should regret your death."

_(((Well this scene is off to a fucking _fantastic_ start.)))_

They keep walking.

Kirk: "Why?"

_(((That's a good question, actually. This is a very volatile, barbaric, and ruthless culture. This is the first sign of anything other than backstabbing and violence that Kirk has encountered. I'd ask 'why' too._

_He's also trying to get a feel for what Evil Spock and Evil Kirk's relationship is, so that he can play the part he needs to and keep his real identity a secret.)))_

Evil Spock: "I do not desire the captaincy."

_(((So the two Spocks _do_ have something in common.)))_

Evil Spock: "I much prefer my scientific duties and I am frankly content to be a lesser target."

Kirk: "Logical as always, Mr. Spock."

A scream of pain nabs Kirk's attention, and he looks over to see Evil Chekov standing in a booth with a light shining on him that's evidently the most Evil light in the universe, 'cause he's screaming bloody murder.

Spock: "The Agony Booth is a most effective means of discipline."

_(((This universe just loves throwing 'agony' into titles of unpleasant things, don't they?)))_

Kirk is disturbed by such a booth, because he has a soul. Evil Spock mentions how Evil Chekov's actions are punishable by death and Kirk has to snap a bit in order to get him to shut up about it. They continue their stroll.

Spock: "Captain, may I inquire if you intend to persist in your unusual course of action regarding the Halkans?"

_(((You didn't wipe out an entire race at the drop of a hat and that is just WEIRD.)))_

Kirk: "You heard my orders."

Spock: "They are, of course, in contradiction to standard empire procedure. You cannot ignore the consequences."

They stop. Kirk turns to him.

Kirk: "Is that a threat?"

Evil Spock: "I do not threaten, captain. I merely state facts. I have found you to be an excellent officer. Our missions together have been both successful and profitable."

_(((Kirk is listening to every word, and now he's trying _really_ hard to figure out exactly what the hell their relationship is. Friends? Lovers? Secret lovers? Frenemies? It's extremely hard to tell.)))_

_(((Although, according to _Loethlin_, he may have just gotten his answer. She messaged me the following a few days ago:_

_**I just had a thought, let me show you it:  
**__**STAR TREK**__** - HHUMAN RELATIONSHIP DICTIONARY**_

_**Kirk:  
"He's the best officer in the fleet" - I love Spock.  
"This ship" / "Enterprise" - My relationship with Spock.**_

_**Spock:  
"He's the best captain in the fleet" - I love Jim.  
"I want to come back to the ship" - I want to spend the rest of my life with  
you.  
"This ship" / "Enterprise" - My relationship with Jim.**_

_**McCoy:  
"He's the best Captain/officer in the fleet" - I know you love him.  
"You're a robot/computer" - Give it up, I can SEE you have feelings, Spock.**_

_**and so on.**_

_**Point is, they do tend to say "best officer/captain" a lot in the show and it  
usually is in the moments they want to say "I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" Except for  
Bones, who is saying "I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!"**_

_Personally, I think Loethlin is dead on. A writer (or in this case writers) could definitely make the decision that when they mention this, it really means this. Are the characters aware of this kind of coded speaking? Probably not, and that's perfectly okay. It's a damn clever way to get past the censors, though. And if Roddenberry/Coon were anything, they were damn clever.)))_

Evil Spock: "However, I shall not permit your aberrations to jeopardize my position."

There's a pause in the conversation. Kirk changes tactics.

Kirk: "Spock, do you think we should destroy the Halkans?"

_(((Hey now, I know that telling tone of yours, Captain Sexy Pants. Just what are you up to?)))_

Evil Spock: "Terror must be maintained or the empire is doomed. It is the logic of history."

Kirk: "Conquest is easy, control is not. We may have bitten off more than we can chew."

Evil Spock: "Captain, I do not wish to find myself opposing you,"

_(((Unless we're in a boxing ring full of whipped cream._

………………………

_Yes, I'll wait for you to write that fic, too.)))_

Evil Spock: "but if you continue on your present course this confusing, inexplicable behavior-"

Kirk: "Is my concern, not yours."

_(((Well, the lilting tone didn't work, the friendly debate didn't work, so now what?)))_

Kirk: "You would find me a formidable enemy."

_(((Ah, we're on to not-so-veiled threats, then.)))_

Evil Spock: "I am aware of that, captain. I trust that you are aware of the reverse."

Evil Spock leaves, and Kirk grins after him.

_(((Just what in the hell is so amusing, Kirk? The similarities between Evil Spock and your Spock? The thought of being his 'formidable enemy?' His sexy beard? Hmmmm…)))_

Kirk orders a henchman to release Chekov and the henchman goes off to do as he's told. Kirk keeps staring after Evil Spock, thinking.

_(((His expression is hard to place. It looks sort of like he's thinking 'They're similar…but it's just not the same.' _

_That's the best I can describe it, at the moment.)))_

Cut to Scotty and McCoy swooping down on an unsuspecting henchman as McCoy gives the poor sap a Hypo Full of Nighty Night. They sneak into the part of engineering that they need to be in and get to work.

Cut to Kirk entering his Evil quarters to find…a scantily clad woman lying on his bed. He looks stunned.

_(((And not so much 'hey baby baby' stunned as 'holy shit a complete stranger' stunned.)))_

Dame of the Hour: "I fell asleep. We had quite a time in the chem lab picking up after the storm."

Kirk is still suspicious and on edge with his arms crossed as the Dame gets them a couple of drinks.

_(((He most definitely is NOT picking his jaw up off the floor. He has no idea who this woman is and how she fits into the puzzle. He's also, evidently, more than a penis._

_Shocked? I'm not.)))_

Dame: "Nothing compared to your day, I gather?"

He takes the drink.

Dame: "I heard about Chekov."

Kirk: "He gambled, I won."

_(((Something to keep in mind: Kirk has to play the role of brutal leader in front of the Evil crew, which includes the Dame.)))_

Dame: "You got lucky. I'm surprised that you could be caught off guard that way."

He finally throws a smile her way.

Kirk: "I was…preoccupied."

_(((NOW Kirk is turning on the flirty charm. He's had a few seconds to assess the situation and is going with the flow. He still doesn't know everything, but he's taking an educated guess. I mean, she _was_ lying on his bed like she owned the place.)))_

Dame: "Ah. You're still in trouble with Starfleet Command. What you've got in mind this time is beyond me. You're scheming, of course. The Halkans have something you want, or is it all some clever means to advance you to the admiralty?"

By now Kirk has wandered off in true soap opera fashion.

_(((And we wouldn't have it any other way.)))_

He doesn't say anything.

_(((Poor guy probably has no idea _what_ to say. One wrong move and they're all screwed._

_Thankfully, she jumps to her own conclusion.)))_

Dame: "Kirk…the cabinet itself?"

Kirk: "Further than that, if I'm successful."

_(((::sniff:: Anyone smell that? Smells like…Corbomite.)))_

Dame: "Really? Well, you must know what you're doing."

She puts her arms around his neck.

Dame: "You always do. If I'm to be the woman…"

She kisses him briefly, and he just kind of lets it happen.

_(((No exaggeration on my part (not that I ever exaggerate about what they do in the first place, but still), that's what he does.)))_

Dame: "…of a Caesar, can't I know what you're up to?"

She kisses him again, and the little whistle sounds to let him know that someone's trying to contact him. Kirk sits at his desk and answers the call.

Kirk: "Kirk here."

Evil Spock: "Mr. Spock, captain."

_(((Wait a minute. So you're telling me that even when Kirk is in an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, Spock __**STILL**__ finds a way to interrupt Kirk and a woman getting mushy? And it's not even the good Spock, for crying out loud, it's a freaking ALTERNATE VERSION!!!!!!! WHAT THE SLASHY FUCK?!?!?!)))_

Kirk: "Yes?"

Evil Spock: "I've received a private communication from Starfleet Command. I am committing a breach of regulations by informing you of its contents."

_(((So Mr. I Like You But I Won't Break The Rules is…breaking the rules? Why, what__**ever**__ would __**make**__ him do __**that**__?)))_

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Spock?"

Evil Spock: "I am instructed to wait until planet dawn over principle target to permit you to carry out our mission."

Kirk: "And if I don't?"

Evil Spock: "In that event, I am ordered to kill you and to proceed against the Halkans as the new captain of the Enterprise."

_(((Breaching protocol to warn Kirk about a threat against his life? Yup, the Spocks definitely have things in common. In Evil Spock's case, though, he must really dig his captain in order to do something like that in such a brutal universe._

_The mind is pestering me…it wants to reel…)))_

Back from commercial, where the Dame of the Hour and Kirk are clinking glasses.

_(((Is this bitch ever gonna get a NAME? Her stomach is too sexy for her to not have one. Just sayin'.)))_

Dame: "Let's toast to Mr. Spock. The only man aboard with the decency to warn you, and he'll die for it."

_(((So Evil Spock put his life on the line as well?_

……………………

_::sits on mind so it can't reel off into the sunset:: )))_

Dame: "You'll never find another man like him."

Kirk: "I don't intend to kill him."

Dame: "Are you going to act against the Halkans before the deadline?"

Kirk: "No, but I'll avoid killing Spock."

_(((Damn right he will. He says that so matter-of-factly, and it's not even really his Spock to begin with. _

_Oh teh luvs. _

_::flops around in warm fuzzies:: )))_

Dame: "Just get him out of the way, he and his men?"

He smiles politely, knowingly.

Kirk: "I'll get out of his way."

Dame: "Shall I activate the Tantalus Field?"

_(((No, activate the Shabala Source._

…_what the fuck is a Tantalus Field???!!)))_

He has no idea what she's talking about.

Dame: "You'll at least want to monitor him, won't you?"

Kirk: "…yes."

_(((He was just getting used to things and then another element pops up to throw him off balance. If he was a lesser captain, he'd be having a heart attack right about now. _

_Good thing he's the master of all that is BAMF.)))_

The Dame _(((seriously, they can give her a name anytime now)))_ crosses the room and pushes on a panel so it slides up to reveal a small monitor and some knobs.

Dame: "I hate this thing."

Kirk: "It's not that bad."

_(((Hahaha, poor guy doesn't have a single clue as to what the heck that thing is.)))_

Dame: "Of course not, it made you captain. How many enemies have you simply wiped out of existence by the touch of a button? 50? 100? Now I always thought that was funny. The great, powerful Captain Kirk who owes everything to some unknown alien scientist and a plundered laboratory."

_(((Oh so that's what it does. Sorry, I assumed it wasn't threatening because 'agony' was nowhere in the title.)))_

She turns on the Field and the monitor shows Evil Spock sitting at his desk being all Evil and shit.

_(((Seriously, they didn't give him anything to do. He's not reading, writing, nothing. They were just like, "Okay Leonard, sit there with your arms crossed and be Evil. Don't worry, the beard will do most of the work for you."_

_Hi-larious.)))_

Dame: "That magnificent mind of his…but it can't protect him from this."

Her finger now hovers over the insta-death button.

Dame: "I press it, and he dies. Now?"

_(((My lovely beta pointed out that the Dame sounds pretty catty here, like she's trying to see how Kirk will react to his precious Spocky Spock being in danger. HMMMM…)))_

Kirk snatches her by the arm, tosses it away, and turns off the Field.

_(((My my, someone gets a little touchy when a certain Vulcan's life is threatened._

_And, once again, it's not even really his Vulcan!)))_

She's a bit surprised.

Dame: "You really mean it. It doesn't matter. If Spock fails his order he'll be killed anyway."

_(((Are you…are you _threatened_ by Kirk's protectiveness of Evil Spock? HmmMMMmmMMmmmm…)))_

Kirk: "I'll see to it that the circumstances of his failure will clear him."

_(((Slow down, Kirk, you wouldn't want to give her any CrAzY ideas like you're in love with him or something.)))_

Dame: "You're not even afraid of Starfleet command. Can your scheme bring you that much power so quickly? And what about me? Where does Marlena fit in?"

_(((Hey hey, imagine that, she gets a fancy schmancy NAME!!! And people say feminism never got us anything. Fools.)))_

He touches the side of her face.

Kirk: "How does Marlena want to fit in?"

_(((He's being very crafty here. He has no idea what answer would fit, so he's hoping she'll just answer her own question for him while he throws in some charm. _

_Sly Kirk is sly.)))_

Marlena goes into the other room and Kirk is instantly all business again as he whips out his communicator.

_(((He's clearly truly and deeply affected by Marlena. Why, their love will surely conquer the galaxy._

…………………

_::cough:: )))_

Kirk chats with Scotty about the whole 'Evil Spock has been ordered to kill me' thing and Scotty says that if they don't get the hell out of Dodge in half an hour they can look forward to a whole lot of Evil beards in their future. They arrange to meet in the transporter room in ten minutes and hang up.

Cut to Evil Spock in his Evil quarters, asking the Evil computer to explain what the crap is happening in engineering, where he finds out that Kirk and Scotty have been up to something. He then notices that Evil Sulu has been monitoring his computer usage and contacts him. Well apparently Evil Sulu can guess that there's been an order to kill Kirk and wants to team up, but Evil Spock will have none of it.

Evil Sulu: "It's your play. I hope you succeed because the order would fall on me next, and you know how Captain Kirk's enemies have a habit of disappearing."

Evil Spock: "If I am successful you see yourself a step nearer to the captaincy. I do not want to command the Enterprise, but if it should befall me I suggest you remember that my operatives would avenge my death…and some of them are Vulcans."

_(((There's another thing the Spocks have in common: Inherent BAMFness. Sure, they're BAMF in different ways, but still._

_BAMF.)))_

Cut back to Kirk as Marlena enters in something colorful and see through. Kirk's reaction is at first surprised, but once he gets over that he grins a little.

_(((And why not, she's a hot chick whom he has to play the boyfriend role for right now. _

_Speaking of roles, we have no reason to believe that that's not exactly what he's doing. He's still in a parallel universe, you know.)))_

Marlena: "I'm afraid I'm a little out of practice. Maybe that's what happened to us, hm?"

_(((What's THIS? Evidently Evil Kirk and his lover haven't done much lovin' lately. And with a question mark on what exactly Evil Kirk is to Evil Spock, that's very. very. fascinating.)))_

Marlena: "It's very hard for a working officer to shine as a woman every minute,"

_(((Especially in a uniform that shows my entire stomach and cuts off at the thigh.)))_

Marlena: "and you demand perfection."

Kirk: "I've never seen perfection, but no woman could come closer to it."

_(((I can't help but feel that there's a diss in there somewhere._

_Also, it's interesting that Kirk stresses 'but no woman.' Hell, it's interesting that he even says woman to begin with. What exactly are you implying, Kirk? Do you know a man who comes just as close to perfection? Maybe closer? Hmmmm?)))_

Marlena: "I remember when you used to talk that way."

Kirk: "I still do."

_(((Now Kirk is in full Sexy Pants mode. She'd be a very vital ally to have in this situation, and we all know how often Kirk uses his sexual MMPHness as a weapon. We still have no reason to think that this case is any different.)))_

Marlena: "Prove it."

They sit on the edge of the bed.

_(((In case anyone was wondering, that was 60s speak for "fuck my brains out.")))_

Kirk: "I've gotta go."

_(((Ooooo, HAWT._

……………

…_wait…)))_

Marlena: "Ship's business? An important task on the crew deck?"

_(((According to her tone, she's heard these excuses for no sexy time before. Evil Kirk must spend a lot of time dodging her love flower. I wonder __**why**__.)))_

Kirk gets up and goes to leave.

Marlena: "Well, I guess it's over."

_(((Uh oh, this means trouble. Kirk can't lose her alliance, there's no telling what she could do for revenge. Think fast!)))_

_(((And hey, they must have been not having sex for a loooong while if it comes down to 'nail me or I'm leaving.')))_

Marlena: "Commander Kenna will take me temporarily, he's made that quite clear."

_(((WHOA whore!)))_

Marlena: "I'll call the yeoman to help me with my things."

Kirk: "You don't have to do that."

Marlena: "Are you feeling sorry for me? Do I see hesitation in your eyes? About anything? I want one thing, captain. Transfer me. On the Enterprise, I am humiliated. On another ship I can hunt fresh game."

_(((Hi slut, opportunistic much?_

_Seriously, she couldn't have loved Evil Kirk for anything more than his position.)))_

Marlena: "I've got my rank…don't I?"

Kirk nods.

Marlena: "I've been a captain's woman and I like it. I'll be one again if I have to go through every officer in the fleet."

_(((Well now I can see why Kirk would be genuinely attracted to this wonderful female. o.O )))_

Kirk: "You could."

_(((OOOOOOO, KIRK BURN!!!!)))_

Marlena goes to slap him, but he catches her hand.

_(((In a very hot way, I might add.)))_

Kirk: "I simply meant that you could be anything you want to be."

They face smash for a few seconds.

_(((Speaking of hot, check out Kirk's arm. Jeezy Creezy. ::fans self:: )))_

Marlena: "It's been a long time since you kissed me like that. You're a stranger. Mercy to the Halkans, mercy to Spock, to me. Am I your woman?"

_(((And every feminist in the audience throws their popcorn at the screen.)))_

There's a pause while he thinks.

Kirk: "You're the captain's woman…until he says you're not."

_(((Why Kirk, you clever little BITCH. _

'_You're the captain's woman, and since I'm not actually the captain of this universe's Enterprise I just said that you're not my woman, but you have no way of knowing that.'_

_Also note that he chooses now to use the third person, or what looks like the third person, but we know that he's actually referring to the real captain._

_Fucking. brilliant. writing.)))_

Kirk leaves and Marlena watches him get into the turbolift with the Tantalus Field. Once in the lift, Kirk calls Uhura and tells her to distract Evil Sulu until the signal comes and goes. Uhura gets a scathingly brilliant idea, and saunters over to Evil Sulu at his console with a stylus in hand.

Uhura: "You aren't very persistent, Mr. Sulu. The game has rules, you're ignoring them. I protest and you come back. You didn't come back."

_(((Holy hell, I think we have a Lieutenant Sexy Pants on our hands.)))_

Evil Sulu pulls her close. While this clearly disgusts her, she keeps going like a real trooper.

Evil Sulu: "Now you're making sense."

Uhura: "I was getting bored."

He goes to kiss her, but she somewhat smoothly avoids it and he lands on her neck instead.

_(((Japanese on black lovin'? Controversy, thy name is Star Trek.)))_

She sees the signal light up on his console and then turn off. Knowing that her job is complete, she backhands Evil Sulu and leans up against the railing like a true BAMF.

_(((Woooo!!! ::waves pom poms:: _

_Hardcore Uhura finally gets a chance to show up!! FUCK YES.)))_

Uhura: "I'm afraid I changed my mind again."

Evil Sulu: "You take a lot of chances, lieutenant."

He goes to attack her, but she whips out her dagger.

Uhura: "So do you, mister. So do you."

_(((HOLY SHIT, I don't think I can take the AWESOME.)))_

Uhura backs towards the turbolift and hands the stylus to a random henchman. She orders him to take over for her without taking her eyes off Evil Sulu then slides her dagger back into her boot and exits the bridge with the most fucking fantastic shaking hips the 60s has ever seen.

_(((This is, far and away, the greatest Uhura moment in all of TOS. __**Dayum**__.)))_

Uhura tells Scotty that she's on her way to sickbay.

Cut to Kirk in the transporter room, working on the console. Evil Spock enters with a phaser and Kirk does his best to look like he wasn't doing anything.

_(((He does a pretty smooth job of it, too.)))_

Evil Spock takes Kirk's weapons and keeps a safe distance.

Evil Spock: "What are you doing?"

Kirk: "Are you going to shoot me now, Spock? I thought I had until dawn."

_(((Good move, Kirk, play the BAMF card.)))_

Evil Spock: "I shall make that decision. Since your return from the planet you have behaved in the most atypical and illogical manner."

Kirk grins at his words.

_(((Awwwwww, even an Evil version of Spock in a parallel dimension can tickle Kirk. Heeheehee.)))_

Evil Spock: "I want to know why."

Kirk: "Shoot, you're wasting time."

Evil Spock: "I shall not waste time with you. You're too inflexible, too disciplined once you've made up your mind, but Dr. McCoy has a plentitude of human weaknesses. Sentimental, soft. You may not tell me what I want to know, but he will."

_(((Apparently Evil Kirk's weakness is other people being threatened as well. The Kirks aren't without their similarities either.)))_

Kirk: "You're running a big risk, Spock."

Evil Spock: "I have the phaser, captain, and I do not intend to simply disappear as so many of your opponents have in the past. If you please, sickbay."

Transition to Evil Spock leading Kirk into sickbay, where Scotty, Uhura and McCoy are waiting. It takes about 5.4 seconds before Kirk initiates a big fight scene.

_(((Shatner even gets to do his favorite fight move: Flying through the air and throwing his feet at someone's chest.)))_

Evil Spock does a damn good job at kicking a whole lot of ass until Kirk smashes him over the head with a skull thing that was clearly not made to break at the first sign of pressure, why do you ask?

With Evil Spock down for the count, Scotty announces that they've only got 15 minutes now. McCoy is looking over Evil Spock.

McCoy: "Help me get him on the table."

Scotty and Kirk just kind of look at him.

_(((He's only knocked out, what's the big deal?)))_

McCoy: "Well come on, help me get him on the table. He'll die without immediate treatment."

_(((Oh THAT'S the big deal. Well then. Nevermind.)))_

Kirk throws Evil Spock over his shoulder, with the help of the others, and lays him down on the exam table.

_(((In K/S Contact News: Hehehehehehehejkdlfjklfg)))_

Scotty brings up how they don't have much time. McCoy insists that it won't take long.

_(((Awww, McCoy really does like Spock. =) )))_

We see Marlena watching all of this with the Tantalus Field.

_(((Uh…whups?)))_

McCoy: "You want me to stop, Jim?"

Kirk grins at McCoy.

_(((Translation: Oh HELL NAW you ain't stoppin' biatch!!)))_

McCoy: "It'll only take a minute."

Kirk: "He is very much like our own Mr. Spock, isn't he? You've got that minute."

_(((AWWWWWWWWWW ::flails in the warm fuzzies:: )))_

Uh oh! Evil Sulu and three henchmen crash the party. After Evil Sulu reveals his dastardly plot to kill everyone and make it look like they all killed each other, it's his turn to hold a creepy face until the show decides to go to commercial…

…and keep holding it until we resume our regularly scheduled programming.

All of the sudden the three henchmen are zapped out of existence by Marlena and the handy Tantalus Field.

_(((See? Captain Sexy Pants mode has its advantages.)))_

Then some piano music starts up that reminds us all of the Beetlejuice theme, and Kirk is quick to disarm and knock out Evil Sulu.

They all head for the transporter room, except McCoy who insists on staying behind a few extra minutes to save Evil Spock.

One Hypo Full Of Good Morning Vulcan later and Evil Spock wakes up, sits up, and takes a firm hold of McCoy's arm.

Evil Spock: "Why did the captain let me live?"

Evil Spock backs McCoy into a wall and proceeds to mind meld with him.

_(((And all of the Spock/McCoy fangirls retreat to their bunks.)))_

Evil Spock: "Our minds are merging, doctor. Our minds are one. I feel what you feel. I know what you know."

_(((Oh my, McCoy knows all SORTS of interesting things. Who they really are, what's really going on, how much Kirk is in love with Spock…)))_

Cut to Kirk, Scotty and Uhura arriving at the transporter room to find Marlena waiting for them.

_(((Good lord, the Evil crew just pops up whenever they darn well feel like it.)))_

Kirk assures them that she's a friend and Scotty starts getting things ready.

Kirk: "You saved us with the Tantalus Field."

Marlena: "Take me with you."

Kirk: "I can't. I'm sorry, our power is balanced for four. There's no guarantee that we'll make it with five. We all could die."

_(((Anyone want to bet that Kirk would take that risk if it was Spock who needed to come along? Anyone?)))_

Marlena: "But there are only three of you."

Kirk: "One is coming. I'd help you if I could, Marlena, believe that."

Marlena takes out a phaser and aims it right at Kirk. Wasting very little time, Uhura comes up behind Marlena and snatches the weapon from her.

_(((You are just __**oozing**__ BAMF today, Uhura. GodDAMN.)))_

Suddenly the power is cut off, meaning that someone is on to them. Auxiliary power will work, except that now someone has to stay behind and operate the controls manually so, you know…whups.

Kirk elects to stay behind because he's a freaking hero like that.

Marlena: "What about me?"

Kirk completely ignores her.

Kirk: "McCoy…"

_(((Once again we get a shining example of the epic love story that is Kirk/Marlena.)))_

Just then, Evil Spock escorts McCoy into the room.

Evil Spock: "I cut the transporter power. It was necessary to delay your beam out until I could arrive."

Evil Spock takes his place at the transporter console and tells engineering to fire up the power again.

Kirk: "You're a man of integrity in both universes, Mr. Spock."

Evil Spock: "You must return to your universe, I must have my captain back."

_(((_Your_ captain, Evil Spock? Careful now, Marlena IS in the room you know and I bet she has _quite_ the jealous streak..)))_

Evil Spock: "I will operate the transporter. You have two minutes and ten seconds."

Kirk: "In that time, I have something to say."

_(((And what I have to say is this: Make a damn move on your captain already, if he's anything like me his BALLS are BLUE.)))_

Kirk: "How long before the Halkan prediction of galactic revolt is realized?"

Evil Spock: "Approximately 240 years."

Kirk: "Inevitable outcome?"

Evil Spock: "The empire shall be overthrown, of course."

Kirk: "The illogic of waste, Mr. Spock. The waste of lives, potential, resources, time. I submit to you that your empire is illogical because it cannot endure. I submit that you are illogical to be a willing part of it."

_(((Does this remind anyone else of when Kirk goes about outsmarting computers?)))_

Evil Spock: "You have one minute and twenty-three seconds."

Kirk: "If change is inevitable, predictable, beneficial, doesn't logic demand that you be a part of it?"

_(((That's a damn good question, actually, and a fantastic argument for change and progress vs. tradition and stagnation.)))_

Evil Spock: "One man cannot summon the future."

Kirk: "But one man can change the present. Be the captain of this Enterprise, Mr. Spock. Find a logical reason for sparing the Halkans and make it stick. Push 'til it gives. You can defend yourself better than any man in the fleet."

Scotty: "Captain, get in the chamber!"

Kirk: "What about it, Spock?"

Evil Spock: "A man must also have the power."

Kirk: "In my cabin is a device that will make you invincible."

Evil Spock: "Indeed."

Kirk: "What will it be? Past or future? Tyranny or freedom? It's up to you."

Kirk joins his company in the Transporter.

Evil Spock: "It is time."

Kirk: "In every revolution there's one man with a vision."

Evil Spock: "Captain Kirk, I shall consider it."

_(((I love this so much. Kirk was like 'get home get home get home get home inspire change in a barbaric society get home get home get home.'_

_But of course, he does it in a completely heartfelt, fervent, and dedicated way._

_::sigh:: My hero.)))_

Kirk grins, and they try to beam back to their universe.

It works! Huzzah!!

_(((Bye, Captain Sashy Pants. I'll miss you. ::sniffle:: )))_

Our good ol' Vulcan is in the room, and holy crap does he look relieved to see Kirk.

_(((Seriously, he lets out a sigh at the sight of him. Poor guy must have been worried sick.)))_

Kirk approaches Spock and smiles.

Kirk: "Spock."

Spock: "Welcome home, captain."

_(((I will never, ever get tired of their 2 second reunions. GUH.)))_

Transition to later. Kirk is in his chair on the bridge, with McCoy on his left and Spock on his right.

Kirk: "What I don't understand is how you were able to identify our counterparts so quickly."

Spock: "It was far easier for you as civilized men to behave like barbarians than it was for them as barbarians to behave like civilized men. I assume they returned to their Enterprise at the same time you appeared here."

Kirk: "Probably, however that Jim Kirk will find a few changes, if I read my Spocks correctly."

_(((Eeeeheeheeeee, 'my Spocks,' plus that smile……eeeheeheeheeeheee…)))_

The good doctor then decides that it's time to poke fun at the Vulcan.

McCoy: "Jim, I think I liked him with the beard better. Gave him character. Of course almost any change would be a distinct improvement."

Kirk looks from McCoy to Spock to see how Spock is going to react, and he does so with a smile.

_(((Jesus, Kirk, could you NOT be giddy in Spock's presence for like two seconds? It's _embarrassing_.)))_

Kirk laughs a little.

Kirk: "What disturbs me was the easy way his counterpart fit into that other universe. I always thought Spock was a bit of a pirate at heart."

_(((No, hon, that's in your Spock fantasy with the creative use of his peg leg. In reality he's quite the pacifist._

………………

…………………

_Yes, I'll wait.)))_

Spock: "Indeed, gentlemen. May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts here quite closely. They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous, in every way splendid examples of _Homo sapiens_. The very flower of humanity."

_(((Holy HELL will you check out the look on Kirk? What the crap kind of friend looks at their friend like THAT???)))_

Spock: "I found them quite refreshing."

Kirk goes to speak, then realizes what's just been said.

Kirk: "I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted."

McCoy: "I'm sure."

Kirk looks at Spock and smiles as McCoy walks off.

_(((Too…much…cuteness…directed…at….Spock…can't…believe…people…call me…crazy…::wheeze::_

_::thud:: )))_

And then Marlena's good counterpart enters the bridge and spoils the slashy fun. Well…sort of.

She hands a report to Kirk for him to sign, he recognizes her, she introduces herself, he smiles, and then tells her to carry on.

_(((It's interesting how Spock is the one present to have a little convo with Kirk. It could have just as easily been McCoy. In fact, that would have made a bit more sense since McCoy had seen Marlena in the Evil universe. And yet, it's Spock.)))_

Spock: "You met her before, captain?"

_(((Translation: And who the fuck is THIS bitch?!?!)))_

Kirk: "Uh, why do you ask?"

_(((That's a great question, Kirk. Why IS Spock prying?_

_Tell you what: While he answers, I'm gonna go track down my mind. It reeled off somewhere back when you were smiling your head off at Spock and now it's probably gotten to the next state by now.)))_

Spock: "Your reaction. One of recognition?"

Kirk: "Oh no, we haven't met before. Exactly."

Kirk is looking at her and smiling now. They want us to know that he's interested.

Kirk: "She just seemed…nice, likable girl."

_(((You know I love you, honey, but you could not have said that in a gayer way if you tried. Srsly.)))_

Kirk: "I think we could become…friends."

_(((What's this? Using the term "friend" as a veil for something romantic/sexual? _

_But this show NEVER does that!!!)))_

Spock arches an eyebrow.

Kirk: "It's possible."

Kirk then gets out of his chair and goes over to chat with Good Marlena…as Spock watches.

_(((Soooo, evidently it's perfectly okay for the captain to hit on a yeoman. It's so okay that he can do it right smack dead on the bridge._

_I'm wondering why he never hit on Rand, then._

_Well actually, no, I'm not wondering. I just said that so you could draw the conclusion that I was leading you towards. He no likey Rand. He never likey Rand._

_Now some of you might be a touch confused. "But Brittany," I hear you ask, "He was just playing a part back in the parallel universe, so why is he all over her now?"_

_Well why wouldn't he be? He's not married to Spock (yet), she's a very attractive woman, and this version of her is sure to be way lighter on the fuck-whoever-has-the-most-power mentality. _

_Some might consider him hitting on her in front of Spock a step backwards, but I think that the writers showing us that it's perfectly okay for a captain to flirt with a yeoman is an equal step forward. Given the situation, the writers could really only do one or the other.)))_

Thus Endeth Mirror Mirror!

* * *

**The Whore Score!**

Episode Specific:

Times the word 'Evil' was used – 156 _(((That's the actual number, I swear.)))_

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 21 _(((Henchmen don't count.)))_

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 10

Times Spock is Injured – 7

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 6

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 4

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 3

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 3

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times Spock uses the Vulcan hand sign – 2

Times Someone Says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

Times Immortality is Found – 2

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 2

Pointless Rolls – 2

Times a disease threatens the crew – 2

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 2

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1


	40. 2x11 The Deadly Years

**Author's Note: **HIIIIIII! I know, I know, long time no slash. I should be flogged.

But I'm back now, so plz 2 b no flog?

About a million things have happened since last we met, so for right now I'll just link you to a series of K/S oneshots that I started a while back.

You can read them here: http:/www. Fanfiction .net/s/5511686/1/Insert_Slash_Here_A_Collection_of_Oneshots

(Remember to take the spaces out from around the word 'fanfiction' in order for the link to work.)

Also, this project (plus The Ship's Closet) is now linked on the Kirk/Spock Wikipedia page. I don't know who did it, but I love you.

P.S. – I wanted to get this out as soon as possible so, even though I've looked it over myself, it has yet to be beta-ed for grammar and spelling. Once that's done, I'll replace this version with the shiny new one.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Eleven: The Deadly Years**

We kick off this hour with Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Chekov, McCoy and a random chick lieutenant beaming down to a planet. There are a small handful of buildings in a natural setting, but there doesn't seem to be anyone around. Kirk wonders where everyone is, Spock mentions how the Whoever the Hell is Supposed to be Here had plenty of notice prior to their arrival, and this kind of visit is a routine annual checkup. Kirk is all 'I totally talked to the leader like an hour ago and he was super okay except that he wasn't.' Our Captain then decides to dole out some orders.

Kirk: "Mr. Chekov, check that building. Spock and I will check this one. The rest of you: Take a look around and see if you can find anyone."

_(((It's a little early in the episode to be hoarding Spock in a private location but, hey, when you need it, you need it.)))_

Chekov goes into one of the buildings, and it's pretty dark so he turns on a light and whups old dead man lying right beside him. Chekov goes into full panic mode, screaming and flailing his way outside. Everyone rushes to him, and the lucky lad gets to experience the Kirk Shoulder Grab first hand.

_(((Damn, I should have kept track of how many times he does that in the series. DAMN.)))_

Chekov tells him about Ye Olde Dead Guy, and Kirk goes in to investigate, company in tow. McCoy says the poor sap died of old age, but Spock quickly points out that the records said no one on this expedition was that old. Well, that's what he was getting around to saying before Father Time hobbles in the door.

_(((Note: Not actually Father Time. Just a nick name. Simmer down.)))_

He's followed by Mother Time, and they don't seem terribly disturbed/surprised/wtf-ed by a group of attractive strangers in skin tight uniforms.

Father Time: "They've come to pay their respects to Alvin!"

Kirk: "I'm Captain Kirk-"

Father Time: "You'll have to speak louder."

_(((I don't know why Kirk being told to speak up makes me 'hee,' it just does.)))_

Kirk repeats himself, and asks the burning question: Who the hell are you, kthx?

Father Time introduces himself as Robert Johnson, and Mother Time as his wife, Elaine. They then say that they're the ripe old age of (wait for it) 29 and 27!

THE MUSIC SWELLS!

THE CAMERA ZOOMS!

KIRK'S JAW DROPS RIGHT ON…THE TITLES!

/end melodrama

_(((The writer for this episode was David P. Harmon, who also penned _A Piece of the Action. _So in terms of slash, he may or may not (probably not) have been in on it. However, the director is Joseph Pevney, who was at the helm for fourteen episodes, including _City on the Edge of Forever_, _Devil in the Dark_, _Taste of Armageddon_, _The Apple_, _Journey to Babel_, _The Trouble with Tribbles _and, oh yeah, that one little episode known as _Amok Time_. _

_This episode was also produced by Gene L. Coon, who was basically 'The Other Gene' in relation to the show, and personally responsible for quite a bit of the slash we know and love._

_Fascinating.)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3478.2: On a routine mission to re-supply the experimental colony Gamma Hydra IV, we discovered a most unusual phenomenon. Of the six members of the colony, none of whom were over thirty, we found four had died and two were dying of old age."

In the sickbay, Kirk is yelling in Father Time's ear to make sure he's being read loud and clear (but mostly loud).

Kirk: "Can you tell me what happened?"

Father Time: "What happened?"

Kirk: "Did your instruments show anything?"

Father Time: "Elaine was so beautiful. So beautiful….so beautiful."

_(((I'd still be hitting that if she hadn't turned into a shaky prune.)))_

Since the guy clearly has a case of Huhwhat: Senior Citizen Edition, McCoy suggests that they let him rest.

They run off the briefing room, where Spock and several prominent crewman are waiting, including a Commodore and pretty blonde woman named Dr. Wallace, who is apparently an expert in endocrinology.

_(((And receives about as much hubba hubba attention from Kirk as Justin Bieber gives anything with a vagina._

_So…none at all.)))_

McCoy briefs the room: They're aging rapidly and I'm clueless as Rand as to why.

Spock says that the planet itself appears normal enough. Since the planet is pretty close to the Neutral Zone, Kirk wonders if the Romulans are testing some kind of new weapon.

_(((Yes, they are. It's called the Fogeygun. Tremble with fear. _

_TREMBLE.)))_

Spock says they're already looking into that and Kirk tells everyone to exhaust every possibility no matter how far-fetched.

_((('Cause once an Angry Icicle Condom of Fire has to be blown up from the inside so it'll stop eating planets, it's pretty much anyone's game.)))_

Kirk dismisses everyone, and assures the Commodore that they'll get him to Starbase 10 on time so he can assume his post.

Everyone filters out, except the Endocrinologist…and Kirk.

_(((Ahaaa, so he was just putting on the ol' Captain face during SRS BSNS time, but now he's free to be Captain Sexy Pants.)))_

Kirk: "Well, doctor, is there something I can do for you?"

_(((His tone has definitely changed, but it's not a full force "LET'S MAKE OUT" kind of thing.)))_

Endocrinologist: "Well, be a little less Cool Efficient Captain and a little more The Old Friend."

_(((Does anyone doubt that 'friend' is being used here as a euphemism for 'Passionate Lover'? No? Of course not, the real meaning is obvious. The funny thing is that, whenever this happens in reference to Kirk and Spock's relationship, nobody seems to get it._

_Now, it's not a euphemism _every time_ Kirk or Spock reference their relationship, but it definitely happens. Quite a bit.)_

Kirk moves away from her, he's not smiling.

_(((Actually, he doesn't even look entirely pleased. No, really. She's just made a clear "let's be more intimate" offer, and his reaction was none too thrilled.)))_

Kirk: "How long's it been?"

Endocrinologist: "Six years, four months and an odd number off days. You mean you don't know?"

Kirk: "Long time."

Kirk leans back on the table.

Kirk: "Things wouldn't change if they started all over again, would they?"

_(((He's not even making eye contact. And still no trademark "I am flirting with you now" smile.)))_

Kirk: "You have your job, I have my ship, and neither one of us will change."

Endocrinologist: "You said it, I didn't. In all those years, I only heard from you once. A stargram when my husband died. You know, you never asked me why I got married after we called it off."

Kirk: "Well, I suppose that you met someone you loved."

Endocrinologist: "I met a man I admired, a great man."

Kirk: "And in the same field as you. You didn't have to give up a thing."

_(((Bitter Kirk is bitter…and still not making eye contact.)))_

Endocrinologist: "No, just you."

Kirk moves from the table to stand in front of her, it's not clear as to what he's about to do next. The intercom chirps.

_(((He's either about to kiss her, or give her the what-for. Given his behavior up to this point, I'd bet on the latter. Also, if they wanted to show a potential kiss get interrupted, they could have been more explicit about it, as opposed to ending the moment where they did.)))_

From the intercom, Uhura says that Spock needs to see him on the bridge.

_(((Jesus, Mary and Slash, Spock interrupts a Kirk+female scene AGAIN? Does he have a Het Radar installed somewhere? My god.)))_

Kirk arrives on the bridge and orders Sulu to maintain standard orbit. Spock reports that the planet is your usual Class M fare, and they're still investigating some rogue comet that flew past it a while back.

The Commodore pops up and cordially requests that they continue this on Starbase 10 so he can get back to business, and Kirk just as cordially turns him down. As he leaves, he orders Sulu to…maintain standard orbit.

Sulu: "You already gave that command, sir."

Kirk: "Oh? Well…follow it!"

_(((Fff, I 3 his delivery.)))_

Cue dramatic zoom in on a skeptical Spock.

_(((Doesn't take much to perk up those pointy ears when something's wrong with Kirk, does it?)))_

Meanwhile, in sickbay, the chick lieutenant from the landing party tells McCoy that she's been having trouble hearing.

Meanwhile, in Kirk's room, he's half naked.

_(((AND IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME._

_I mean._

…_carry on.)))_

He takes out a shirt to put on, _decides against it _for the moment, and calls Spock on the video monitor instead.

_(((That really happens. I slash you not._

_It's not the first time, either.)))_

Spock reports that they still don't have anything.

Kirk: "Astronomical section reports that a comet recently passed by. Check into that."

Spock: "I'm doing that, captain, as per your previous order. We discussed that earlier."

Kirk" Oh, yes. Let me know what you guys come up with. I'll be in sickbay."

Spock: "Acknowledged."

_(((Uh oh, that's two things Kirk has forgotten in the past two minutes of show. _

_::drama:: )))_

Kirk turns off the monitor, leans over to get his shirt, then straightens up a bit from a twinge of pain in his back.

_(((::more drama:: )))_

Back in Sickbay, Father Time has passed away. McCoy's understandably disappointed that he couldn't do anything, and it appears that Kirk has an achy shoulder. Scotty chimes in on the intercom requesting to come on up and see him. Kirk notices that McCoy's gotten a bit gray at the temples.

Kirk: "Bones, I believe you're getting gray."

McCoy: "You take over my job and see what happens to you."

Kirk: "I see what you mean."

_(((Kirk's little smiley moment before that last line? Hilariously awkward. They must not have had time for a reshoot. XD)))_

Kirk tells McCoy about his sore arm, and McCoy makes a dig about how Kirk has been running the ship. Instead of getting offended, Kirk seems to find it humorous…until McCoy gets concerned. He bends the captain's arm, who flinches at the movement. The good doctor then diagnoses Kirk with advanced arthritis.

_(((Apparently Kirk's arm has seen a little too much action._

…

…

…

_God I'm glad to be back.)))_

Scotty pops in, and OH MY GOD SOMEONE ATTACKED HIM WITH WHITE HAIRSP- no wait he's old.

Back from commercial, and everyone in the landing crew is showing signs of aging except Chekov. Kirk's got some silver going on, and the arthritis has gotten worse.

_(((Kudos to Shatner for having the physical discipline to keep up the appearance of arthritis in both arms. It may look easy, but it's not. Back in the 60s he could have gotten away with slacking off on that kind of thing, but he didn't. ::waves pom poms:: )))_

McCoy reports that everyone seems to be aging 30 years for every day, and he has no idea what's causing it.

_(((His age make up isn't all bad for 1967, either…well, except for his chin.)))_

Spock sits up and gives his opinion: We are so dead. In a week. And our brains will go kaput even sooner. Joy.

Kirk gets everybody everywhere on the problem. Spock then admits that his eyesight is going, and he's getting warmer in general.

_(((Vulcan hot flashes. Teeheehee.)))_

Scotty needs a wee bit o' rest before going back to duty, and Spock helps him out. Then we discover that the lieutenant from earlier, the one who reported her hearing going out, is majorly depressed 'cause she's super incredi-old. Kirk orders her back to her station, and as she leaves she passes a mirror and gets a good look at her geezer-fied self.

Lieutenant: "What a stupid place to hang a mirror."

_(((Best damn line of the episode. Gets me every time, especially with the way she says it.)))_

She hobbles off. Kirk and McCoy semi-snipe at each other about what the eff could be going on and why the eff Chekov isn't aging, and then go about their business while Chekov gets ready for more tests.

The Endocrinologist mentions something she and her husband were testing on plants, and McCoy sends her off to investigate. Kirk leaves a second later, and exits out to the corridor…to find the Endocrinologist waiting for him.

_((('Endocrinologist' is a terrible nickname…how 'bout…Endy? _

_Sure, it's completely unimaginative, but not everything can be The Snarky Metal Vagina of Time Travel._

_Endy it is, then.)))_

_(((Before we continue, I'd also like to note that Kirk's brain function is still intact. Any problem he's had has been with memory, and that's it.)))_

Kirk: "I thought you were on your way to the biochemistry lab, doctor."

Endy: "We're both going the same direction."

Kirk smiles.

Kirk: "So we do."

_(((Very important to point out that his smile is not of the "break out the massage oil" variety. It's a nice, pleasant, brief smile.)))_

Endy: "Look, we know the problem. We know the progress of the affliction. Therefore, once we find the proper line of research, it's only logical we find the solution."

Kirk laughs a little.

Kirk: "You sound like my first officer."

_(((He totally perked up at the use of the word 'logical.' There's nothing _definitely_ slashy here, it's just cute to see him brighten up when someone reminds him of Spock.)))_

Endy: "No problem is insoluble, not even ours."

_(((Well…that was certainly a quick shift into uber personal territory. And Kirk isn't the least bit thrown. He's kind of BAMF that way.)))_

Kirk: "That didn't spring from logic."

_(((Ouch.)))_

Endy: "Our situation doesn't have its roots in logic. The heart is not a logical organ."

_(((I can't help but notice that she nailed Kirk and Spock's ultimate problem right to the wall.)))_

Endy: "When I married Theodore Wallace, I thought I was over you. I was wrong."

And after that big reveal…Kirk isn't terribly affected.

Kirk: "When did you realize that? Today?"

_(((He says that line pretty flat. He's not exactly giddy that she's just admitted to still carrying a torch. In fact, he seems basically neutral on the subject.)))_

Endy: "What?"

Kirk: "How much older was your husband?"

Endy: "What difference does that make?"

Kirk: "Answer me."

Endy: "26 years."

Kirk: "That's quite a difference."

_(((Ah, I see where this is going. Kirk's clearly got a theory.)))_

Endy: "Jimmy was a brilliant man. We were stationed on a lonely outpost. We were working together. I don't want to talk about him, I want to talk about us."

Kirk: "Look at me."

He has to stand in her line of sight.

Kirk: "Look at me. What do you see?"

Endy: "I see Captain James Kirk, a man of morality, decency, handsome and str-"

He gives her the "yeah, yeah" hand motion.

_(((He's not buying her shower of compliments for a minute.)))_

Kirk: "And old…and rapidly growing older."

Endy: "Jim, please."

Kirk: "What are you offering me, Jan. Love, or a going away present?"

_(((Well…shit._

_Kirk hasn't seemed too taken with her from the beginning, and now he's just flat out accusatory and hostile. He may or may not be right about her motives, but he's definitely not carrying the same torch she is.)))_

We join Chekov on the bridge, muttering to himself.

Chekov: "Give us some more blood, Chekov. The needle won't hurt, Chekov. Take off your shirt, Chekov. Roll over, Chekov. Breathe deeply, Chekov. Blood sample, Chekov. Marrow sample, Chekov. Skin sample, Chekov. _IF_…if I live long enough, I'm going to run out samples."

Sulu: "You'll live."

Chekov: "Oh yes, I'll live. But I won't enjoy it."

_(((Pure, pure win. Poor Chekov.)))_

Kirk arrives, and it seems that enough time has passed so that the effects of aging are starting to wear on him. His walking is worse, his speech has slowed, and the gray is more prominent. He orders Sulu to slow down to 20,000 somethings, and signs a report that a yeoman hands him. When he drops the stylus, the girl tries to be helpful and get it for him so he won't have to bend over, but he puts her in place with a simple "yeoman."

The Commodore sees this, and Kirk sees the Commodore seeing this.

The Commodore, politely as usual, voices his concern for the Starbase 10 arrival deadline. Kirk insists that they ain't goin' nowhere no how until this mess is resolved.

Commodore: "Captain, I am watching four very valuable, and one almost irreplaceable, members of the Starfleet failing before my eyes. I want to do something to help."

Kirk: "If you're so concerned, I'll send a message to Starbase 10."

Spock: "Captain, you sent such a message this morning."

_(((Eep, and another mistake gets tallied up.)))_

Kirk then asks the yeoman for the report he just signed, because he wants to sign it. When he sees that he's already signed it, everyone just kind of stares and things get hella awkward.

Later, Spock arrives on the bridge and approaches Kirk… who is taking a nap in his chair. Spock gently places a hand on Kirk's arm to wake him up.

_(((I know this makes me hopeless, but any soft touching between them like that makes me happy, even if it's totally innocent. _

_::squee::)))_

Kirk jumps a little and wakes up.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, I was just…thinking."

Spock: "Yes, sir. Understandable."

_(((Curious how Spock has been letting Kirk slide this entire episode. Not really Slashy Curious, per se…just generally curious.)))_

Spock reports that they figured out what caused all of this aging nonsense: The planet's orbit pulled them into the trail of the comet, and a hard-to-detect radiation is the culprit. As they dash off to tell McCoy, there's a bit of confusion between Kirk and Uhura. Kirk wants to send a message using a frequency that's already been hacked by the Romulans, and he was already told that. Then he can't even remember the planet's location, even though Spock just said it, and on top of that he gives Sulu the same order about orbiting at 20,000 somethings that he gave only a minute or two ago.

_(((Get the man some ginko, my god.)))_

Sulu, like all the others, questions the order.

Kirk squares his jaw.

Kirk: "I fail to understand why each one of my commands is being questioned! Now do as your told, Mr. Sulu!"

_(((AND GET OFF MY LAWN!)))_

Spock: "Mr. Sulu, what is our present position?"

Kirk: "Orbiting at 20,000, sir."

Kirk realizes his mistake, looks at Spock.

Spock slowly meets his eyes.

Everyone stares.

_(((So. very. awkward.)))_

Cut to sickbay, where Crabby McCoy is being crabby about not figuring out the whole radiation thing earlier. Spock is calm (shock), and explains that his old brain just isn't what it used to be.

Kirk moves to leave.

Kirk: "Okay, Bones, I'm going to the bridge. Keep me posted. Spock?"

_(((The way he calls for Spock is second nature, like it practically goes without saying…because it does. _

_Just wanted to point it out, 'cause closeness (even when it's not physical) is cute._

_Also, there's a tall aluminum penis sitting on the table.)))_

Spock says he needs to stay behind and question McCoy, and Kirk leaves.

Spock: "Doctor, the ship's temperature is increasingly uncomfortable for me."

_((("Although, for some reason, I don't seem to be feeling terribly cold while in proximity to the object on the table."))) _

Spock: "I've adjusted the environment in my quarters to 125 degrees, which is at least tolerable. However I-"

McCoy: "Well, I see I'm not gonna be making any house calls on you."

_(((Someone seems a bit punch drunk. Or maybe age drunk?_

_He's acting intoxicated, is what I'm saying. And that is funny.)))_

Spock: "I wondered if perhaps there was something which could lower my sensitivity to cold."

McCoy: "Not a magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."

_(((I really do love how whenever McCoy is afflicted with anything, his accent gets stronger.)))_

Spock: "Yes. As I always suspected."

_(((Oh, well then. Burn.)))_

Spock leaves, Endy reports that none of the regular radiation treatments work on this type of radiation. McCoy gets a bit feisty and says they'll start from scratch if they have to.

Meanwhile, Spock is moseying down the hall when the Commodore steps into frame.

Commodore: "A starship can function with a Chief Engineer, Chief Medical Officer, even a First Officer under physical par, but it is disastrous to have a commanding officer whose condition is any less than perfection."

Spock: "I am aware of that."

_(((In that line, Spock shows absolutely no sign that he's aware Kirk's condition is less than perfection. The tone didn't have any guilt, his expression didn't change, it was all matter-of-fact. Basically a "Yeah, so?" response.)))_

Commodore: "Please understand me, my admiration for Captain Kirk is unbounded, and he is a great officer, but Mr. Spock I…I need your help and your cooperation."

Spock: "For what, sir?"

_(((Something about how he says that is just precious to me. It sounds so innocent, so huhwhat? It's not even terribly overt in its innocence, I just like it. Sue me.)))_

Commodore: "I would like you to take over command of the Enterprise."

Spock's eyebrow pops up.

Spock: "On what grounds, Commodore?"

_(((He's still acting like there's not a damn thing wrong with the captain. _

_Loyal!Spock. _

_Unf.)))_

Commodore: "On the grounds that the captain, because of his affliction, is unable to perform his duties."

Spock: "Dare I remind you, sir, that I too have contracted the same affliction?"

_(((Dodge #1)))_

Commodore: "Yes, but you're a Vulcan. You have a much greater lifespan. You show the effects to a much smaller degree."

Spock: "I'm half human, sir. My physical reflexes are down, my mental capacities reduced, I tire easily. No, sir, I am not fit for command."

_(((Dodge #2)))_

Commodore: "Well, if you are not, with your Vulcan physique, then obviously Captain Kirk cannot be."

_(((Well fuck, he's got a point.)))_

Spock takes a brief moment, inhales.

Spock: "Sir, I have duties to perform."

He starts to leave.

_(((Dodge #3)))_

Commodore: "Mr. Spock, I do not like what I'm about to say, but regulations demand it. As a Starfleet flag officer, I must follow regulations. As second-in-command of the Enterprise, you _must_ convene an Extraordinary Competency Hearing."

Spock: "I…resist that suggestion, Commodore."

_(((Very good word choice, Spock._

_Also, Dodge #4.)))_

Commodore: "It's not a matter of choice. When a captain is unfit, physically or mentally, a Competency Hearing is mandatory. Please don't make me quote a regulation which you know as well as I do."

Spock takes another brief moment to think.

Spock: "Very well, sir. Hearing shall convene at 1400 hours."

Spock goes to the elevator, but has to straighten up and compose himself before he enters it.

_(((Yet another sign of inner conflict and resistance.)))_

_(((Let's backup and go over that again. _

_**Move:**__ Commodore states flat out that Kirk is unfit for duty, which is why Spock should take over._

_**Dodge #1: **__Spock plays the "I have the same disease" card, devaluing himself._

_**Move: **__Commodore brings up Spock's Vulcan biology, and how he's not as sick yet._

_**Dodge #2: **__Spock further devalues himself, this time specifically listing his ailments._

_**Move: **__Commodore says 'Aha! Well if you can't do it than a regular human certainly can't!'_

_**Dodge #3:**__ Spock literally tries to flee the scene._

_**Move: **__Commodore suggests Competency Hearing._

_**Dodge #4: **__Spock "resists" that suggestion._

_**Move: **__Commodore then mentions a regulation _that he says Spock already knows_._

_**End: **__Spock gives in._

_Throughout the scene, Spock tries to weasel out of this in every. way. possible. And to make things even more epic, he KNOWS what needs to be done, yet he rails against REGULATION, which he has sworn to uphold and has no problem executing in almost every other situation…not pertaining to Kirk. In fact, it's only when the regulation is _directly thrown in his face_ that he finally backs down. This is, of course, after he tries to just flat out RUN AWAY._

_This is a stunning display of loyalty and complete bias towards his cap'n begin with, but add on Spock's Vulcan heritage, and what that entails, and it gets downright loony._

_At the very, _very_ least, this is a shining example of a First Officer's loyalty to his Captain…but I seriously wonder if he would have done the same if the captain wasn't of the distinct Sexy Pants brand._

_This is yet another illustration of just how fiercely dedicated one is to the other. Although, really now, would Spock turn a blatant blind eye if it was anyone else? He knows that a sick captain endangers the entire crew and the ship itself, yet Spock refuses to believe or acknowledge what's happening to Kirk unless he absolutely has to._

_Slashy? Well, the mind certainly _wants_ to reel…)))_

Back in Sickbay, McCoy is about to do even more tests on Chekov as Kirk observes.

McCoy: "Now this isn't gonna hurt a bit."

Chekov: "That's what you said the last time?"

McCoy: "Did it hurt?"

Chekov: "Yes."

McCoy looks at Kirk – _the hell do I say to that?_

Kirk just gives a little 'keep going' wave.

_(((HEE. 'Win' to everyone in the room.)))_

The Lieutenant from earlier comes around the corner, and she's like Bob Barker old now. She falls into Kirk's arms, and he crouches down against the wall.

_(((How the hell did he do that, anyway? He stays in that position for a little bit, too. Man must have had some wicked leg muscles._

…

…_I think a Plot Bunny just hopped by…)))_

The chick is a touch dead, and McCoy makes another comment about how her metabolism made her age faster, then estimates that they all have a matter of days, possibly hours. This gives Kirk a pretty good reason to turn his head and gaze dramatically at nothing in particular.

We come back from commercial where everyone has convened for the competency hearing. People of note are Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Endy, and Sulu. Everyone else is a redshirt.

Spock: "Let it read that this Competency Hearing was ordered by Commodore Stocker and reluctantly called by myself."

_(((Aw.)))_

Kirk: "Let it also read that I consider it invalid."

The Commodore stands up and says that this is happening to protect the crew, blah blah, Starbase 10, blah blah, I'm responsible for this hearing.

Spock: "On the contrary, Commodore. As presiding officer, and as second-in-command of the Enterprise, the responsibility is mine."

_(((That…had to hurt._

_He could try to dodge regulation one on one, but he knows that there's nothing else he can do now except his job, which he obviously really, really does not want to do right now.)))_

Spock: "Captain Kirk, would you like to make a statement?"

Kirk: "Yes, I would like to make a statement. I am the captain of this ship and am totally capable of commanding it. Let's call this whole thing off and get back to work."

Spock: "That's quite impossible, captain. Regulations are quite specific. You are entitled to direct examination of all witnesses immediately after the board has questioned them."

Kirk: "Very kind of you, Spock."

_(((That last line wasn't terribly sincere.)))_

Sulu is interviewed about Kirk repeating orders.

Spock: "He ordered you to increase orbit?"

Sulu: "Yes, sir."

Spock: "Not several minutes later, did he repeat that order?"

Kirk gets out of his chair.

Kirk: "He did not! When I give an order I expect it to be obeyed. I don't have to repeat myself."

_(((Careful, Kirk, I'm about to have to give you a cane to shake.)))_

Everyone looks awkward.

Kirk sits down.

Sulu confirms that the order was repeated and is dismissed.

_(((In Sulu's defense, he clearly doesn't like painting Kirk in a bad light. Nobody does.)))_

Spock interviews the blonde yeoman about the report signing thing. She tries to rationalize Kirk's behavior, but Spock makes her keep the story straight.

Spock then interviews Uhura, who walked through the wall to join the fun.

_(((That's what I'm guessing anyway. BAMF came out of nowhere.)))_

Uhura confirms the Romulan code thing, and when she tries to sugarcoat it, Spock makes sure she doesn't get away with it.

_(((By the way: Whenever Spock is in between witnesses, the severity of his inner conflict is plainly seen in his face and body language. He needs a hug.)))_

_(((And did we really need to see all those interviews? They're quietly discussing what we've already seen. Talk about draaaaaaagging along.)))_

Spock then crosses to McCoy, whose hair is now almost completely white.

_(((And by 'hair,' I mean 'in-your-face wig.'_

_Yay 60s.)))_

McCoy admits to examining Kirk.

Spock (to computer): "Medical banks, describe subject's physical age. Establish norms as comparative base."

Computer: "Working. Subject physical age, based on physiological profile: Between 60 and 72. Aging rapidly."

Kirk: "No, I'm 34…I'm 34 years old."

_(((Awww, Kirk needs a hug too.)))_

McCoy confirms that Kirk is aging, blah blah, we got the point like five minutes ago, blah blah.

Spock: "You heard the computer's analysis of Captain Kirk's age. Do you agree with it?"

McCoy: "It's a blasted machine, Spock! You can't argue with a machine!"

_(((Not gonna lie: Old McCoy is kind of awesome.)))_

McCoy, very reluctantly, agrees with the computer and apologizes to Kirk. Kirk seems to understand.

Spock's job is done, and Kirk stands to speak on his own behalf.

Kirk: "There's only one reason, and one reason alone, to having this hearing. I refuse to leave Gamma Hydra II."

Spock: "…Gamma Hydra IV, captain."

_(((Good god, this is painful to watch.)))_

Kirk: "Yes, slip of the tongue."

Spock: "Captain, your inability to remember having given commands, reading and signing important orders and then forgetting them, your physical analysis as compiled by your own Chief Surgeon, all these things would appear to be irrefutable proof of failing physical and mental conditions."

_(((See? There, that's all we needed. Short, sweet, to the point, and without _minutes_ of slow, plodding scene._

_It's especially frustrating because of another reason, but we're not there quite yet.)))_

Kirk: "So I'm a little confused. Who wouldn't be at a time like this? My ship's in trouble, my senior officers are ill, and this nonsense about a Competency Hearing is enough to mix up any man. Trying to relieve a captain of his command is…well that's…that's…"

Kirk looks at Spock, an idea forming in his head.

Kirk: "Spock…I wouldn't have believed it if…"

_(((Oh god, his tone is _heartbreaking_. Not raging, not angry, just soft, hurt, betrayed. _

_::wibble:: )))_

_(((But what is Kirk thinking? He's thinking that all of this is a ploy from Spock to get command of the Enterprise. And Spock is sitting there, having to stay quiet. If only Kirk knew what was going on with him right now…_

_Guh. Drama.)))_

Kirk takes his seat and dares them to ask him anything. He calls the planet Gamma Hydra II again, just in case things weren't hella awkward enough. Spock crosses the room and suggests that Kirk go to his quarters so they can vote. Kirk goes to the door, makes eye contact with Spock for a solid beat.

Spock has to look down.

_(((Well break my goddamn heart, why don't you.)))_

Kirk looks around the room. Spock still has his eyes down.

Kirk: "I'll be in my quarters…awaiting your decision."

He looks at Spock for another split second before finally leaving.

Transition to later. Commodore assumes command, even though he's never captained a vessel before, and to prove what a terrible idea that is, he orders Sulu to plot a course to Starbase 10 _across the freaking Neutral Zone_.

Cut to the captain's quarters. Kirk is sitting in his chair with his back to the door, being old. Endy and Spock enter. Kirk doesn't turn around.

Kirk: "Spock?"

Spock: "Yes, captain."

Dead silence.

Kirk: "Well…I've been relieved."

Spock: "I'm sorry, captain."

Kirk: "Yes, you should have been a prosecuting attorney."

_(((Oof, right to the gut.)))_

Spock: "Regulations required-"

Kirk: "Regulations, don't give me regulations. You wanted command all along. First little excuse you get-"

_(((We saw that Kirk had progressed to full out senility in the previous scene, so we know that it's not really Kirk talking, unlike the earlier hostile scene with Endy._

…_it still hurts, though.)))_

Spock: "Captain…I have not assumed command."

Kirk: "I hope you're proud of your-…"

The new information sinks in. Spock steps forward and Kirk stands to face him.

_(((__**Important:**__ Kirk is still completely unaware that Endy is even in the room. The staging of this scene was specifically choreographed so that he wouldn't be.)))_

Kirk: "What do you mean, you've not assumed command?"

Spock: "I suffer the same affliction as you, sir."

Kirk: "If you're not in command, who is?"

Spock: "Commodore Stocker."

Kirk: "Stocker? Are you crazy? He's never had a field command."

Spock: "Mr. Scott was unfit for command, Commodore Stocker is ranking officer."

Kirk: "Don't, don't talk to me about rank! Man's a chair-bound paper pusher!"

(((_Well _somebody's_ not getting any cottage cheese with his applesauce today.)))_

Kirk: "I order you to take command."

Spock: "I cannot, captain."

Kirk: "You're refusing a direct order?"

Spock: "No, sir. Only Commodore Stocker can give a command order on board this ship."

_(((Oh dear, not the right time to point that out, however reluctant you might be, Spock._

_::hides:: )))_

Kirk: "You traitorous, disloyal, you stabbed me in the back the first chance you get…_Spock_."

_(((I cannot tell you how much this feels like one lover found out the other slept with someone else._

_And the way Kirk says 'Spock?' _

_Kill me.)))_

Kirk: "Get out."

Kirk looks away.

Kirk: "I never want to have to look at your face again."

_(((THE LOOK. _

_ON SPOCK'S FACE._

_DEFINES._

_HEARTBREAK.)))_

Spock slowly exits, and we see Kirk's anguish with his back still to the door.

_((("Anguish" is not an exaggeration, by the way.)))_

_(((I've got a question for you:_

_*Why keep Endy's presence hidden from Kirk until Spock leaves?_

_Well, this accomplished two things: _

_-It kept Kirk from censoring himself. It was because Kirk thought they were alone that he behaved the way he did, said 'Spock' in such a way. He touched on the same emotion during the hearing, but tucked it away because they were in front of people. He saved that topic for a private moment, and may have even avoided it all together if he had known Endy was in the room. _

_As a matter of fact, Spock knew she was there, and when it came right down to it _he kept his mouth shut_. It makes you wonder what he would have said if she hadn't been there._

_-It let Endy witness their relationship. Think about it: Why even have the eavesdropper be Endy in the first place? In the upcoming scene, nothing is discussed that's specific to Kirk and Endy. It could have just as easily been McCoy standing there. So why her? Well, she was all over him in the beginning, and he wasn't having any of it. Now, among other reasons, she knows why. Even though Kirk and Spock aren't literally a couple at this point, they did just have a proverbial break up right in front of her._

_Oh yeah, the mind is definitely reeling now. I'll let it go for a while; it's built up a lot of energy over the break.)))_

Kirk finally turns around, and straightens when he sees Endy.

Kirk: "Jan."

_(((Because we're (conveniently) deprived of a full reaction from Kirk, we get to see the discovery of her presence with him straightening up. I'd give anything to have seen his facial expression.)))_

Endy: "Jim, I'm sorry. Truly, I am."

Kirk: "Made a fool of myself. Shouldn't have let them confuse me. Rattle me."

Endy: "Everybody understood."

Kirk: "But I'm not old, Jan. I'm not. A few muscular aches doesn't make a man old, and you don't run a starship with your arms, you run it with your head, and my brain's as sharp as it ever was. Simple case of radiation poisoning and they relieve me of my command? I admit I'm getting a little gray, but radiation'll do that to you."

_(((Refusing to admit when you've gotten old, trying to do what you've always done, avoiding the inevitable. Very interesting topic to touch on for an episode.)))_

Endy: "Jim, will you forgive me, I've got to-"

_(((Poor girl just wants to get the hell out of Awkward Town.)))_

Kirk: "Jan, you know me. Look at me closely. Tell me. Am I getting old?"

_(((I really dig that everyone was consistent enough to keep Kirk's fear of aging throughout the show, and even the movies.)))_

She says nothing, which is answer enough.

Later, Kirk walks into Sickbay. If he was old before, he's ancient now.

_(((He got a groovy full wig of his own, I see.)))_

Spock and McCoy are sitting, Endy is standing. Kirk instantly notices Spock.

Kirk: "What are you doing here?"

Spock looks completely dejected.

Spock: "It would seem to be the place where I can be of the most use."

_(((Seriously, it's been almost eight months since the last chapter of the Commentary, and there's STILL no Hug-A-Character invention? _

_THIS WILL NOT STAND.)))_

Kirk: "Maybe you'd like to relieve Dr. McCoy? How about Chekov?"

McCoy: "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

_(((The amount of make up on McCoy's face is nothing short of epic, in the most 60s way possible.)))_

Kirk: "Bones, there has to be. There has to be. We beamed down together, we were on the surface together, in the same spot, we were together all the time."

Spock: "No, not all the time, captain. He left us for a few moments."

Kirk: "Left us? He left us. He went into the building. Something happened."

Spock: "Yes. Yes indeed, captain. Doctor, you remember-"

Kirk: "He was scared! He saw the dead body and he ran out of the building and he was scared to death."

_(((Even when one never wants to see the other again, they can't help but be in synch and bounce off each other's thoughts. _

_::wistful sigh:: )))_

McCoy: "That could be. Right. Scared. Heart beats faster, breath gets shorter, there's cold sweats, adrenaline flows. Adrenal activity. Hold on just a minute…there's something that I read once…it was ancient history, just after the atomic age. Used for radiation sickness. Adrenaline!"

_(((Bravo, Kelley, for acting way above the quality of your make up.)))_

Endy rebuts, there's a little more debate, and then BAM, a montage of people doing science-y things.

Meanwhile, on the bridge, the ship enters the Neutral Zone. Romulans soon attack, and Commodore is at a total loss for what to do.

Back from commercial, and back in sickbay, Kirk tries to go up to the bridge and has to be dragged to a bed and strapped down to be kept in one place, because he's a BAMF who wants to save his ship and crew even when he's 3728490 years old.

As the ship is attacked, Spock comes in with a beaker full of dea- I mean a crude sample of what could be the cure. It's unstable though, and could kill the person who tries it.

Kirk volunteers to take the shot first because, again, BAMF.

Endy injects him.

He thrashes, bucks his hips.

_(((Which I do not enjoy.)))_

The Enterprise is hit.

Kirk thrusts.

People stare at the viewing screen.

Kirk thrusts.

McCoy looks confused.

McCoy: "Well, well what's happening?"

Endy: "The aging process has stopped. His bodily functions are getting stronger."

_(((I wonder which ones, what with all the thrusting.)))_

On the bridge, Uhura says that the Romulans are ignoring any message they send on any frequency, which is like totally rude and shit.

Commodore says they should surrender.

Chekov points out that the Romulans don't take captives so, you know…death.

Commodore knows fuck all about what to do.

Music builds.

Ships fly.

People stare.

Death is nigh.

And then Captain Sexy Pants himself struts onto the bridge, lookin' quite the young'n once again, with Old Spock right behind him.

_(((And he is definitely a sight for sore eyes. Mmph._

…_sorry, that would be my Kirk fangirl popping out again. I'll just tuck that away.)))_

Kirk gets updated on the situation, orders full power from the engine room like NOW, and tells Uhura to send a message to Starfleet, Code 2…only this time he knows what he's doing.

Kirk: "Message from Enterprise to Starfleet Command, this second: Have inadvertently encroached upon Romulan Neutral Zone, surrounded and under heavy Romulan attack. Escape impossible, shields failing. Will implement Destruct Order using Corbomite device recently installed."

_(((And every TOS fan giggles with an almost sadistic glee.)))_

Kirk: "Since this will result in the destruction of the Enterprise and all matter within a 200,000 kilometer diameter, and establish a corresponding dead zone, all Federation ships will avoid this area for the next four solar years."

Kirk can't help but let a tiny grin appear for a moment.

_(((God I love it when he has fun.)))_

Kirk: "Explosion will take place in one minute. Kirk, commanding Enterprise, out."

_(((And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just one of many pieces of solid proof that Kirk isn't just a fighter, but a damn good thinker as well.)))_

Kirk orders Sulu to get ready to fly the fuck out of there at warp factor 8 on his signal. They wait a moment…and then…

Spock: "Romulans giving ground, captain. Obviously, they tapped in as you expected them too."

Kirk grins a little.

Kirk: "A logical assumption, Mr. Spock. Are they still retreating?"

_(((I also love it when they take a split second during SRS BSNS to be humorous. Very endearing.)))_

Kirk orders warp factor eight, and they get the hell out of Dodge. The Commodore apologizes, and says he was only doing what he thought was right.

_(((Which is really the truth, he's not a bad guy. The only villains in this episode are regulations.)))_

Commodore compliments Kirk, and then McCoy pops onto the bridge, back to his young self again. He says it worked on Scotty too, everyone's fine, and that Spock can go get his shot whenever he's ready which, of course, he very much is. Spock and McCoy leave as Endy arrives, and Kirk waves to her.

_(((It's a very girly wave._

_Just sayin'.)))_

He walks on over to her, there are a couple of last second old jokes, and it's a wrap.

_(((Wait wait wait wait WAIT just a freakin' minute. Where's the Kirk-reconciling-with-Spock-after-saying-he-never-wants-to-see-him-again scene? I mean sure, they both know that he didn't mean it, because it's them and they almost literally read each other's minds, but I want a classic Kirk/Spock reunion scene, dammit! What, they couldn't cut down the _**nine and a half minute****long**_ Competency Hearing to give us some smooshy times? _

_Who in gay hell made THAT decision?_

_Robbed, I say._

_ROBBED.)))_

**Le Score! ** - All new additions in bold.

Episode Specific:

To Wong Foo references – 1

Yay 60s moments – 1

Old jokes in the comments – A handful

General:

**Random Crewman Body Count – 22 **

**Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 11**

Times Spock is Injured – 7

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 6

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 4

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

**Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 4** _(((Command was given to someone not of the original crew.)))_

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 3

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times Spock uses the Vulcan hand sign – 2

Times Someone Says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

Times Immortality is Found – 2

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 2

Pointless Rolls – 2

**Times a disease threatens the crew – 3**

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 2

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1


	41. 2x12 I Mudd

**Author's Note: **I was planning on getting this posted for K/S Day, but I had a stroke (or something) and thought it was the 19th, not the 15th. Blasphemy.

This episode doesn't really have any slash BUT it's pretty cracky, so at least we won't be gayless _and_ bored (::cough:: Alternative Factor ::cough::).

P.S. – ItsLogical, could you drop me a line telling me the source of your quote? It's really, really fascinating, and I'm very interested in getting verification.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Twelve: I, Mudd**

We kick off this hour with McCoy and Spock strolling down a hall of the Enterprise. A fellow blue shirt, walking in the opposite direction, greets and passes them in a pretty normal way, but McCoy hangs back anyway to stare after the guy and notices because he has eyes.

Spock: "Something wrong?"

McCoy: "Yes. There's something odd about that man and I can't quite pinpoint it."

Spock: "Perhaps you're making a rather hasty judgment. Mr. Norman has only been aboard 72 hours."

McCoy: "Well, I know when something doesn't strike me right-"

_(((Like when you or Kirk think you're attracted to anyone other than each other.)))_

McCoy: "-and he doesn't."

Spock: "Specifics, doctor. Labels do not make arguments."

McCoy: "All right. There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who never talks about his background."

Spock: "I see."

Spock starts to walk away.

_(((Well, that was fun, McCoy, now try inserting your foot into a different orifice.)))_

McCoy instantly realizes what he's just said, and feels appropriately embarrassed.

McCoy: "Spock, I mean that it's, uh, it's odd for a non-Vulcan, um…the ears make all the difference."

_(((Aw, he's trying to smooth things over with a smile and some humor. I think I like Soft McCoy. Hee.)))_

Spock: "I find your arguments strewn with gaping defects in logic."

_(((That's one hell of a flat tone, Snippy Spock. Clearly he's not letting McCoy off that easy.)))_

McCoy: "Maybe, but you can't evaluate a man by logic alone."

_(((McCoy's shifting into srs bsns now, but he's not all out defensive (yet.))))_

McCoy: "Besides, he has avoided two appointments that I've made for his physical exam without reason."

Spock: "That's not at all surprising, doctor, he's probably terrified of your beads and rattles."

_(((Ow, Spock Burn._

_This is a good example of how touchy he can be when someone offends him, on purpose or otherwise. Or at least, when someone other than Kirk offends him. I'm drawing from my knowledge of the characters here, but I imagine that if this scene were to take place between Kirk and Spock, Spock would be much more instantly forgiving, given their smooshy history of devotion (slash or no). Spock and McCoy, however, have a somewhat shakier relationship on a personal level, which leads the scene to play out the way it did._

_Interesting dynamics, when you think about it.)))_

Meanwhile, a random crewman is in a room sitting at a console. Dramatic music begins.

Mr. Norman is standing outside the room, staring intently at the 'No Admittance Authorized Personnel Only' sign…before he walks on in and Karate Touches the random crewman into unconsciousness.

_((('Karate Touch' is really the only way to describe whatever the crap he just did.)))_

He then proceeds to press a bunch of buttons and flip a lot of switches.

_(((NO, NOT THE BUTTONS AND SWITCHES IN THE RANDOM ROOM THAT HAS YET TO BE IDENTIFIED! _ANYTHING_ BUT THOSE!)))_

A nice big 'Overload Warning' light goes off, and this pleases Mr. Norman.

On the bridge, Sulu informs Kirk that an unplanned course change is being plotted. To confirm this, Kirk has a look into the viewfinder thing on Sulu's console that has totally been in the series up until now, and was in no way specifically brought in to make this moment seem more tech awesome.

Sulu can't correct the course, the people in the Auxiliary Control room don't respond to Kirk's hailing, and oh yeah the Auxiliary Control is on total override. Kirk informs security about an intruder and tells Uhura to get Spock's cute little Vulcan ass on the bridge pronto. Sulu gives the specifics of the new course, which takes effect right at that moment.

Three random security guys get to Auxiliary Control and find the random crewman still knocked out from the Karate Touch. Two of them haul the poor sap off to sickbay, while the third hangs back and contacts Kirk, giving him an update that includes the master controls being totally fucked and there's no sign of the intruder. Good times.

Spock pops in on the bridge.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, we seem to be taking an unscheduled ride."

Spock: "Interesting."

_(((How do they DO that? This moment is not slashy at all in any way, but it's remarkable because even though they don't break their serious tone or demeanor, something about this moment just _feels_ humorous. It's like levity on the fly. While it could come off as contrived, it feels totally natural and ingrained in how they deal with each other in both the text itself and the delivery. How very, very subtle. And lovely as all get out.)))_

Sulu can't override the new coordinates, and nobody's responding when he tries to contact Emergency Manual Monitor because they've been Karate Touched to the floor. Mr. Norman makes his exit…and then his entrance into Engineering, where he Karate Pushes Scotty into a wall before his stunt double takes over for some real fighting. All the while, Kirk is trying to contact Scotty, who's bent over one of the consoles in groggy pain.

_(((Apparently the Push isn't as effective as the Touch. Mr. Norman should really work on that for his next take over.)))_

Once everyone in Engineering has been beaten up, Mr. Norman starts fucking with all of the controls. Scotty manages to speak up into the intercom and tells Kirk that the intruder's there. Kirk tells security to get down to Engineering like _now_, and starts leaving the bridge to meet them there but CRAP, the ship is speeding up like nobody's business and Sulu can't cut the power.

Kirk leaves Spock in charge and heads for the turbolift, only to be met by Mr. Norman who nonchalantly takes Kirk by the arm and calmly informs him that he ain't going anywhere, y'hear?

When Mr. Norman lets go, Kirk rubs his arm because the bitch is strong, but that doesn't stop Kirk from demanding to know what the fuck is going on. Mr. Norman is all 'I like totally control your ship and I've rigged it so that if you try to change course the ship will explode because I'm awesome and you're wearing some kind of weird wrap-around shirt thing.' And then Spock confirms what the guy is saying: if they don't know where the trigger relay is if/when they try to do anything, ship goes bye-bye.

Kirk remains perfectly calm and asks Mr. Norman who the hell he is.

Mr. Norman: "I assure you, we are no threat to humanity or humanoid life."

_(((How nice of the guy to include Vulcans in his assurance of peace, and Spock seems to appreciate it too. _

_He just attacked 47385789 random crewmen, which renders the whole peace thing a bit moot, but he gets an A for effort.)))_

Mr. Norman: "We mean you no harm, but we require your ship."

Kirk: "You require…who and what are 'we?'"

Mr. Norman then directs the duo's eyes downward.

_(((Is his I.D. on his penis?)))_

He lifts his shirt to reveal a panel, which he opens to show that he's (wait for it) a robot!

_(((Awww, no personal identification peen. Sadface.)))_

The thrilling reveal sends us right into the titles.

_(((This episode was written by Stephen Kandel. The only other episode he penned was _Mudd's Women_, and if I recall any slash or peculiar disinterest in the women was in the performance and/or direction rather than the text itself. So is he Spirk Savvy? Highly doubt it._

_However, the Director of the hour is Marc Daniels, who directed fifteen episodes including _The Naked time_, both _Menagerie_ episodes, _Court Martial_, _Space Seed_, _Who Mourns for Adonais_, _The Changeling_, _Mirror Mirror_, and _Spock's Brain.

_I do believe we have a friend in Mr. Daniels. Yes we do.)))_

Back from titles. Mr. Norman informs them (and anyone who missed the opening scene) that he controls the relay, they can't beat him up, etc, etc, you're all screwed.

Kirk: "Who sent you?"

Mr. Norman: "I'm not programmed to respond in that area."

Mr. Norman decides that now is a good time to take a standing nap, so he shuts his eyes and blasts off to mechanical dream land.

_(((Do you think he dreams of electric sheep?)))_

Spock does a quickie mind meld and figures out that Mr. Norman has simply turned himself off.

_(((Kirk could save himself a lot of trouble if he had a function like that. Eh? Eh? Am I right?_

_I'll be here all week.)))_

Well, nothing they can do but chillax for four days while they're ferried off to Zod-only-knows-where.

There's a quick Captain's Log to establish that four days have passed and they're now approaching an uncharted planet. Mr. Norman is right where we left him. He turns himself on _(((don't make a joke don't make a joke don't make a joke)))_ and tells Kirk that the landing party will consist of Captain Sexy Pants, Ol' Green Ears, Dr. Feisty McGee, the Nubian Goddess of Answering Phones, and The Russian Inwentor.

Kirk insists that any meeting can take place on the Enterprise, and Mr. Norman reminds him of the whole dude-I-can-blow-up-your-engines thing.

Kirk: "I must say that's a gracious invitation."

_(((Simple sarcasm should not make me this happy.)))_

Mr. Norman: "There is a word. Among us there is no corresponding meaning, but it seems to mean something to you humans."

Kirk: "And what is that word?"

Mr. Norman: "Please."

Kirk's face goes all o.O while Chekov and Sulu trade similar WTF expressions.

_(((Gotta give props to the actor playing Mr. Norman. His robot tone ain't half bad.)))_

Transition to the landing party beaming down to the inside of some strange looking structure that's partially built, partially cave wall.

_(((And by 'cave wall' I, of course, mean paper-mache._

_Yay 60s.)))_

Mr. Norman tells the two lovely, identical women that he's "brought them" and they let the group pass. From the way the women reply, you can tell they're androids.

They enter a kind of throne where none other than Harry Mudd is sitting in a seat of power.

Kirk is shocked.

_(((Because no one told him the title of the episode.))) _

Mudd says he's the ruler of the planet. Kirk authoritatively strides over to him and puts a foot up on his throne.

Kirk: "Mudd, I want my ship returned to me."

_(((Translation: Fuck your authority and do what I say, bitch.)))_

Kirk: "We have no intentions of staying as your guests."

Mudd: "Well, there's a bit of a problem there-"

Kirk ignores Mudd and whips out his communicator, attempting to contact the Enterprise because BAMF is his middle name. Mudd then has one of his fembots take Kirk's communicator, and she crushes it in the palm of her hand before returning it to him. This does not please The Pants.

Mudd: "Now now now, Jamie Boy, no unauthorized communication."

_(((Kirk being called Jamie makes me giddy. Srsly.)))_

Chekov: "You know this man, captain?"

_(((Oh yeahhhh, Chekov wasn't around the first time Mudd showed up. Points for consistency, Star Trek.)))_

Kirk then proceeds to list off all the types of crimes Mudd's committed, and mentions how he thought he'd left Mudd in jail.

Kirk: "Mudd, I want that trained machine of yours, Norman, to deactivate the trigger mechanism and free my ship."

_(((This is classic Kirk. Instantly starts demanding what he needs, and if the person refuses in one way or another he just demands again because he's the goddamn captain and he's not fucking around._

_Love him.)))_

Mudd: "I should do that, Kirk, when I'm ready."

Kirk: "I'm telling you now."

_(((Translation: I'm still fucking your authority, and you're still gonna do what I say, bitch.)))_

Mudd: "And I do the telling on this planet, Kirk, old boy. _You_ do the listening."

They lean in close for a good stare off. Kirk relents.

_(((And in a situation like this, where sheer will and tight pants aren't gonna get him out of trouble, what else can he do?)))_

Kirk: "All right I'll listen. What are you telling?"

_(((He gets a nice little snarky, smiley look on his face on that last line. Almost like now he's daring Mudd to thrill him. What was his middle name again?)))_

Mudd tells them they should get comfortable, because they'll be here for the rest of their lives. He finds this hysterical, as all good 60's villains do, and maniacally laughs us into a commercial break.

Once we're back, Kirk demands _again_ that his ship be released and blah blah blah, and again Mudd says no.

Mudd starts talking about how he rules the place, and decreed that he should always be surrounded by beauty, a.k.a. the fembots. It is at exactly this moment that it cuts to our heroes, and Spock shifts closer to Kirk.

_(((I know better than to call this purposefully slashy, but it was too squee-worthy to leave out.)))_

More fembots join the party, and Mudd mentions how he had 500 made to attend him.

Mudd: "All of them identical, beautiful, compliant, obedient."

_(((You know, Mudd, from the way you're talking it sounds like those fembots are…_fully functioning_._

_I must be dreaming, though, because they'd never establish something racy like sexbots (and 500 of them no less) in 1967. Surely not.)))_

Spock: "Five hundred of the same model? Seems rather redundant."

Mudd: "I have a fondness for this particular model, Mr. Spock, which you, unfortunately, are ill-equipped to appreciate."

_(((This._

_This is TOS brilliance at work._

_One thing the show did amazingly well was leave themselves possible outs and explanations to get them out of trouble. So if someone, for some crazy reason, asked them about this line and how UNBELIEVABLY AND DEAD ON QUEER it makes Spock seem, they could laugh and say "Oh that? He's a Vulcan! That's what Mudd is talking about! What a silly question."_

_This technique is used all over the place in the more on-the-nose "message" episodes as a way to skirt around the censors. It's an ingenious use of ambiguity, especially for the time._

_Now, Mudd mentioned Spock's inability to dig chicks in the first episode he was in, but the wording of that instance was definitely more geared towards connecting that disinterest with the fact that he was a Vulcan. This time, there's no mention as to _why_ he's unable to appreciate the female form, it's just established that he doesn't. _

_Since all scripts were approved and/or appropriately messed with by one or both of the Genes (Roddenberry and the just-as-vital Coon), it's perfectly reasonable to assume that they could throw in a line where they see fit. So even though the writer may not have been in on it, the possibility of a little slash injection from one of the Genes is entirely plausible. Or they could have told the writer about that "Vulcan" rule for the first episode and, like any even remotely good writer, he stuck to it.)))_

Mudd explains how he got out of prison and on this planet, which inevitably involves something illegal that he was caught for.

Mudd: "They have no sense of humor. They arrested me!"

McCoy: "Oh, I find that shocking."

_(((PFFFF, epic sarcasm delivery win, McCoy. _

_Epic._

_All three of the BAMF trio are being delightfully to-the-point and irreverent during the exposition, but McCoy wins this one.)))_

The result of being arrested was a death sentence, which he wasn't about to stick around for.

Mudd: "Well, of course, I left."

Kirk: "He broke jail."

Mudd: "I borrowed transportation."

Kirk: "He stole a spaceship."

Mudd: "The patrol reacted in a hostile manner."

Kirk: "They fired at him."

Mudd: "They've got no respect for private property. They damaged the bloody spaceship!"

_(((Haaaaaaaaaaaa you go, cap'n.)))_

From there he stumbled on this planet, and the rest is history.

Spock: "You went to substantial risk and effort to bring a starship here. Logically, you must have a compelling motive."

Mudd: "Spock, you're going to love it here. They all talk just the way you do."

_(((Behold, the umpteenth comparison of Spock to an android/robot/computer/mechanical thing.)))_

Spock is miffed. McCoy looks repentant.

_(((It looks like McCoy just mentally revisited the train wreck from earlier and gave himself another kick in the ass. _

_Bravo, Kelley, for recognizing that opportunity to display inner life, however brief the shot may be. That's an actor.)))_

Mudd explains that he found 2,000 ready and willing androids to serve his every whim.

_(((And with the emphasis and close up on the word 'whim,' it's pretty obvious what those whims are. 60s or no 60s.)))_

Mudd's problem is that the androids won't let him leave because they want to study humans, so he delivered a crew of bright and shining officers with the intention of getting the hell off the planet because he is bored. as. fuck.

He then introduces an android modeled after his ex-wife, and he enjoys activating her just so he can tell her to shut up.

_(((The actress playing the android says 'Harcourt Fenton Mudd' the same way every time, and it's perfectly grating and shrill. Go her.)))_

The crew is then shown to their somewhat comfy looking den by a couple of fembots and Mr. Norman.

Mr. Norman: "You'll find this quite comfortable. Your quarters are down the hall."

Fembot: "If there is anything you need.."

Kirk: "Yes, my ship."

_(((Kirk Snark. Hee.)))_

Needless to say his request is denied with a vague explanation. Kirk asks Mr. Norman who made him, and we get some back story on the androids: They were made by some humanoids from Andromeda, but their home planet's sun became a nova so they figured they better pack up shop and move along, but not many people survived because, you know…nova.

Any humanoid-alien-life-form-whatevers that survived eventually died because SPOILER ALERT they weren't robots.

Then the androids decide to be creepy and chant that they now serve Mudd. The fembots explain that they have a purpose again, and having a purpose is super incredi-vital to them.

Mr. Norman leaves, and the fembots start chatting about the library and other awesome(?) things that everyone is free to visit.

Kirk: "We might later. In the meantime, would you mind leaving us?"

Fembots: "Why should we leave you?"

Kirk: "Because we don't like you."

_(((FFFF)))_

He then does a little shooing gesture accompanied with making a sound too adorable for words.

_(((I do so love it when he turns into Captain Cutie Pants. ::sigh:: )))_

The fembots leave, and Kirk asks for everyone's opinions.

Chekov: "I think we're in a lot of trouble."

Kirk: "That's a great help, Mr. Chekov. Bones?"

McCoy: "Well I think Mr. Chekov's right, we _are_ in a lot of trouble."

Kirk: "Spock? And if you say we're in a lot of trouble."

Spock: "We are."

Kirk deflates a little.

_(((Heeee, classic._

_This bit only works because Spock is the one who speaks last. It also goes by the Rule of Three, which is that beat one and beat two are the same, and the third is different. It's been a standard in both comedy and drama work for I don't even know how long, to the point where most people use it without realizing. 'Centuries old' would not be an exaggeration._

_/end random lesson)))_

Spock suggests that there must be some kind of central control hub that powers all of the androids. Kirk orders Spock to go find it and tells everyone else to take a look around while he talks to Mudd.

Transition to Spock looking around a peculiar room that features Mr. Norman standing behind a console with his hands on something that is not ambiguously phallic.

Spock asks Mr. Norman some questions and finds out that the room is the Central Control Complex, but when he asks if all the androids are controlled through that one device, the necklace Mr. Norman is wearing (marked with a number one) flashes and beeps. When it shuts up, Mr. Norman says that he can't answer the question.

Cut to Kirk, Uhura, Mudd and the two regular fembots in another equally odd room. The fembots show off a couple of different android models called the Barbara Series.

Kirk: "Very impressive."

Uhura: "I should say so."

Kirk: "I must say, I like the styling."

_(((As much as I want to make a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy joke, he's clearly admiring the sexy appearance of the androids.)))_

Mudd: "They were, of course, made to my personal specifications. As indeed were the Macy Series, the Trudy Series, and particularly the Annabelle series."

_(((We have officially landed in Creepy Town.)))_

Kirk: "Don't you believe in male androids, Harry?"

Mudd: "Eh, uh…I suppose they have their uses."

_(((Well. look. at. that._

_The telling aspect of this isn't necessarily Kirk's line, it's Mudd's reaction. He hadn't even thought about investing so much care into male androids, and obviously the concept is beyond him. Kirk, on the other hand, sees a bunch of pretty female androids and wonders why Mudd doesn't make a bunch of pretty male androids. There's even a possible cover of Straight Kirk being featured (the 'stylings' line) moments before Bi Kirk speaks up, which could obviously be a way for the Genes to cover their asses._

_I want to say this was on purpose, but it's much less direct than the previous line about Spock. Was it a hint at Kirk's sexuality, or was it Kirk exposing Mudd as the perv he is, or both? The realist in me says option two, but even the optimist in me can only reasonably see option three._

_Still…it invites fic. And mind reeling (if you've got your slash goggles on).)))_

Uhura starts asking questions, and finds out that not only do the androids pretty much last forever, but they can even put a human brain in an androids body and poof! Immortality. She likey this idea.

Back in the den, Spock is just getting ready to tell Kirk about an inconsistency he spotted when Mudd and McCoy come in. McCoy is all starry eyed from seeing their amazing labs, and Mudd encourages him.

Then a fembot comes in with…Scotty? He's particularly feisty because he was thrown in the transporter against his will. Mudd decides to innocently mention that oh yeah hey I beamed down your _entire crew_.

_(((Stupid move, Mudd. Stupid, stupid move.)))_

Kirk grabs Mudd by the throat and shoves him up against the nearest wall.

Kirk: "Are you out of your mind? You can't beam down an entire crew of a spaceship, somebody has to be on board!"

Mudd: "There is an entire crew aboard. An entire crew of androids!"

Mudd then makes another stupid move and outright claims that he's taken over Kirk's ship and there's nothing he can do about it.

Kirk says he'll never get away with it, then Mudd says there's nothing to stop him and leaves cackling.

_(((When trying to be this kind of evil, twist your mustache or GTFO.)))_

Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty have a little meeting about just how freaking screwed they are. Kirk worries about how his crew will react to having access to anything they want.

To illustrate the concern, it cuts to Chekov sitting in the throne room-ish place.

_(((I would like to point out, for future reference, that Chekov is sitting with his ankles naturally crossed.)))_

Two fembots attend to him, one offers him anything else, Chekov wishes they were real so he could bone, the fembots assure him that they've been programmed to attend to _every_ need, Chekov realizes what they mean and calls Mudd an "unprincipled, evil minded, lecherous kulak" because he's precious when he's feisty, but at the last second he gets happy about it and says "this place is better than Leningrad."

_(((Chekov wants some metal booty? _

_Not even "playboy" Kirk goes there, man. Oh my.)))_

Over in a random room, Scotty's making googly eyes at a piece of mechanical space stuff while Mr. Norman tells him that they can make whatever he wishes, and he can assemble it for fun. Kirk and Mudd enter and Scotty squees over the technology.

Kirk (to Mudd): "Is that how you're gonna do it? Hit my people at their weakest point?"

_(((So far McCoy has been tempted by the lab, Chekov by sex, Uhura by immortal beauty, and Scotty by gizmos. _

_Yet we never see Kirk or Spock tempted by anything. _

_Hm.)))_

Mr. Norman explains that they just wanna make the humans happy and study them and stuff. Not creepy at all.

Transition to later, where everyone is hanging out in the den. Kirk strolls in and asks how the hell they're gonna get out of here. Chekov stares dreamily off into space.

Chekov: "I don't know, sir, but it's a very nice gilded cage."

_(((Chekov fucked an android._

_Possibly two at once._

_Do with that information what you will.)))_

Uhura: "And it _is_ a very pleasant place, captain."

_(((Uh oh, they got Uhura too.)))_

Kirk's had about enough of this "enjoying yourself" shit and snaps everyone to attention because they belong on the Enterprise.

_(((Ye olde duh.)))_

A fembot enters.

Fembot: "Do you require something, lord?"

Kirk: "No. Yes! My ship."

Fembot: "I am not programmed to-"

Kirk: "-respond in that area, I know."

_(((Someone give the poor man his ship back, for christ's sake.)))_

Fembot: "Is there anything any of you require to please you?"

Kirk: "Alice…give us back our ship to please us. Return us to our ship because we desire it."

_(((Here he goes again, trying to outsmart a machine._

_Are we surprised? No._

_Are we excited anyway? Yes.)))_

Spock soon joins in on the Let's-Drive-The-Android-Batty plan until the fembot's necklace starts flickering and beeping. She thinks for a few seconds.

Fembot: "The Enterpise is not a want or a desire, it is a mechanical device."

Kirk: "No, it's a beautiful lady and we love her!"

_(((I love you, Shatner, but…was the finger pointing action really necessary?_

_::giggle:: )))_

This makes her necklace glow continuously with confusion/thought.

Fembot: "Illogical. Illogical. All units relate. All Units. Norman, coordinate."

_(((I really should have kept track of the billion and a half Spock/machine references. Srsly.)))_

Fembot: "Unhappiness does not relate. We must study this."

The fembot flees the room. McCoy reports that his analysis of the androids revealed perfection; no thoughts, fears or anything like that, just a sense of purpose.

McCoy: "Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome, even among humans."

Kirk: "Yes. That's what this crew needs, a little sense of purpose."

_(((Theme what? Message what?)))_

Kirk and Spock stroll into the main throne room area to find Mudd (and a bunch of droids) all set to leave on a jet plane, and he doesn't know if he'll be back again.

Mudd: "Is there anything I can get for you?"

Kirk: "Yes, my ship."

_(((FFfffffff you just keep asking, sweetheart, that's what you're good at.)))_

Just for kicks, Mudd activates the ex-wife android one last time. After he does, he tells one of the bots to take his bags to the ship only to have all the androids answer in a resounding, and not at all creepy-sounding, 'No.'

You see, the androids have concluded that humans are flawed and self-destructive.

Mr. Norman: "You need our help."

Kirk: "We prefer to help ourselves. We make mistakes, but we're human. And maybe that's the word that best explains us."

_(((If. only. people. thought. that. way. today.)))_

Mr. Norman explains that they're gonna take the ship and leave them here, go off to find more humans, offer their services until humans are dependent on them, and then control them for their own good.

_(((It's like religion. Or mega-corporations. Or politics. This attitude could be drawn to parallel many things. The point is that it's free will + mistakes vs. no choice + perfection.)))_

Back from commercial where Kirk and company (including Mudd) are having a confab. Kirk thinks this has had its fair share of lulz but now that they've been threatened it's time for srs bsns.

Spock says the androids are close to being ready to leave orbit, so they need to act fast.

McCoy: "How do you know so much?"

Spock: "I asked them."

McCoy: "Oh."

_(((H'aww, McCoy.)))_

They put their heads together (Kirk and Spock in particular because duh), and figure out that Mr. Norman is the central brain in this whole operation.

Kirk: "That, in turn, gives us a weapon we can use against them. We use wild, insane, irrational, illogic aimed right at Norman."

Mudd: "Captain, you sing and dance as well as anyone I've ever seen, but what the devil are you talking about?"

_(((I._

_Demand._

_Fic.)))_

Spock tries to explain, but Mudd is just a touch skeptical.

Mudd: "Now listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer but, believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother."

Spock: "I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents."

_(((Oh, Spock…don't ever change.)))_

Kirk gets everyone back on track and enlists Mudd's help in staging an escape attempt to throw the androids off track. This leads to giving Mudd a surprise!hypo of nighty-night in order for the plan to work. Kirk and Scotty hold him in place, then catch him as he falls.

Kirk: "Harry, I do believe you're putting on weight."

_(((Oh, Kirk…don't ever change.)))_

Kirk goes to the throne room and summons a fembot, informing her that Mudd is sick and McCoy needs to get supplies from the ship in order to help him. The fembot refuses, and Kirk confuses her with ol' if-you-let-him-die-you-will-fail-to-serve trick. She agrees to assess the situation.

They head back to the den, where Harry is passed out. Uhura pretends to out their plan to the fembot, and it all goes according to plan because she can be BAMF like the boys and don't you forget it.

Chekov: "What's next, keptin?"

Kirk: "Next, we take the Alices on a trip through Wonderland."

_(((LSD works on robots?)))_

Kirk heads to the throne room and takes a seat. Two fembots appear, and he asks for their attention. Scotty, McCoy, Chekov, and Uhura then enter and what follows is so delightfully nonsensical that, really, it needs to be seen to be appreciated.

_(((Note how Kirk sits when he scoots forward. You can't get any more feminine than that. Chekov sat there earlier, and was way more naturally masculine about it._

_FemKirk – 1, ButchKirk – 0.)))_

Eventually the fembots get so confused that their necklaces glow constantly and they tap out. Meanwhile, Spock tries to nerve pinch a fembot, but it doesn't work.

_(((You'd think that'd be obvious…but whateva.)))_

So he switches tactics and says he loves one, but hates the other, even though they're exactly the same. Voila! Confusion.

_(((Kirk confused fembots with physical silliness, and Spock confused fembots with brainy logic._

_How perfect.)))_

_(((Not that Kirk isn't incredibly smart, he's displayed his intelligence tons of times, but the illustration of their different approaches is always interesting to see.)))_

Spock rejoins the group and, now that they've taken out a few fembots to keep Mr. Norman extra busy, they go after Norman himself.

They all head into the main room, where Mr. Norman and some fembots are hanging out. What follows is a scene even sillier than the last, and too funny for words.

_(((Describing everything they do wouldn't be as effective as watching it, and there's nothing to dissect so I won't waste your time._

_But really, watching all our favorite people be so seriously goofy is just too much. Especially Spock.)))_

All of the ridiculous behavior works, and poor Mr. Norman starts smoking out of the thing behind his hea-…his head.

Mr. Norman: "Please explain!"

Kirk: "I am not programmed to respond in that area."

_(((Haaaaaaa his delivery is priceless.)))_

Mr. Norman goes on the fritz, and the mission is accomplished.

Transition to a little later. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are all in one frame, though Kirk is profiled and more in the foreground.

McCoy: "Well, you must be very unhappy, Spock."

Spock: "That is a human emotion, doctor, with which I am totally unfamiliar. How could I be unhappy?"

Kirk tilts his head up, smiling ever-so-slightly.

McCoy: "Well, we found a whole world of minds that work just like yours. Logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic, and we poor irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight. Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again."

_(((Kirk's smile starts right at the end of Spock's first sentence, as a reaction to his statement denying knowledge of any human emotion. _

_Kirk's inner life is SCREAMING at us._

_He looks so knowing and smug and satisfied that he can barely stand it. His nostrils flare, he subtly stifles a laugh, and even as McCoy replies he's still caught up in his own little world for a second. He's yelling "BULLSHIT" so loud in his head that we hear it in ours. From then on his smiling is a reaction McCoy's teasing, and a bit of a different one at that. _

_Is this something you find in a screenplay? _

_No._

_Is this something the actor and director (or the actor independently) can discover separately from the text itself?_

_Hell fucking yes._

_Funny how this happens in an episode where the writer is most likely not clued in while the director most likely is. _

_Almost makes the mind want to reel, wouldn't you say?)))_

Spock: "Which I find eminently satisfactory, doctor. For nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans."

Kirk: "Touche, Bones."

_(((Love it. Love it _so hard_.)))_

Mudd storms in, and Kirk informs him that he'll be staying here as long as he's a pain in the ass. After hearing this, Mudd takes a second to leer at all the different fembot models he's had created, realizing that staying here won't be so bad.

Then Kirk happily tells Mudd that they've had an android made to teach him to work with the androids instead of exploiting them. And thus, a re-programmed version of Mudd's ex-wife android that won't obey Mudd anymore appears. Now she can nag him endlessly.

But wait, there are more of them! 500 more!

Uh oh, Harry!

::audience laugh track::

End of episode!

* * *

**The Score:**

Episode Specific:

Times Kirk Asked for His Ship: 7

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 22

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 11

Times Spock is Injured – 7

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 6

**Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 5**

**Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 5 **

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 3

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times a disease threatens the crew – 3

**Times Immortality is Found – 3**

Times Spock uses the Vulcan hand sign – 2

Times Someone Says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 2

Pointless Rolls – 2

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 2

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1


	42. 2x13 The Trouble With Tribbles

**Author's Note: **Oh my, and the slash drought continues. Sadface.

Although, there is _one_ moment…

P.S. – I'd like to put a little disclaimer here, in case anyone is misinterpreting this: Just because I call something between Kirk and Spock 'cute' or 'adorable' or what have you, it does not mean I'm calling it slashy. If I think something is slashy, trust me. You'll know.

* * *

**Season Two, Episode Thirteen: The Trouble with Tribbles**

We hit the ground running with Kirk, Spock and Chekov in a conference room.

_(((Aw, it's the wraparound shirt this episode. It's nice and all, what with that teasing neckline, but nothing beats the classic uniform. Ladies, am I right?)))_

Spock: "Space Station K-7 now within censor range, Captain."

Kirk: "Good. Mr. Chekov, this flight is supposed to provide both experience and knowledge. How close will we come to the nearest Klingon outpost if we continue on our present course?"

Chekov: "One parsec, sir. Close enough to smell them."

Spock: "That is illogical, Ensign. Odors cannot travel through the vacuum of space."

_(((Ffffffff, thirty seconds in and we're already getting Logical Smackdown Spock._

_I like where this is going. XD)))_

Chekov: "I was making a little joke, sir."

Spock: "Extremely little, ensign."

_(((Excuse me, I have to go giggle maniacally at Spock's devious perfection.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, immediate past history of the quadrant?"

_(((I love Kirk's tone here, because it smacks of 'Oh Spock, stop giving the guy a hard time.' Plus, when it cuts to Kirk you can tell he's just getting over a small smile. _

_I do so enjoy it when one is tickled by the other's humor. Don't lie, you know it's cute no matter how subtle it may be._

_Actually, it might get even cuter the more under-the-radar it gets._

…_hm._

…

_What was I talking about?_

_Right. Quadrant history.)))_

Spock explains that exactly who owns the quadrant is something of a dispute between the Klingons and the Federation, including Sherman's Planet.

_(((…seriously? What's the neighboring planet called, Eugene?)))_

Both claim it belongs to them, but the Federation has "the better claim." Whatever that means.

Chekov: "The area was first mapped by the famous Russian astronomer Ivan Berkov almost two hun-."

Kirk: "John Burke."

Chekov: "Burke, sir?"

Kirk nods.

Chekov has a confused.

Chekov: "I don't think so. I'm sure it was-"

Spock: "John Burke was the Chief Astronomer at the Royal Academy in Old Britain at the time."

Chekov: "Oh, Royal Academy, oh well…"

_(((I'd say Kirk and Spock giving Chekov a rough time was mean if it wasn't so damn funny.)))_

_(((Also, according to my all-knowing beta, Ivan is the Russian form of John, and Berkov sounds an awful lot like Burke. _

_Hmmmmm ::strokes beard:: )))_

They get back to business and Chekov explains that whoever proves they can develop Sherman's Planet more efficiently wins the planet. Just to make sure the audience doesn't jump to the obvious conclusion that the Klingons are just unruly war mongers, Kirk throws in a nice line of exposition about how they actually are quite efficient before Uhura chimes in from the bridge. She tells them she's getting a distress call from space station K-7 so, you know, HELP.

Chekov manages to squeeze in a line about it being a "disaster call" before the music gets so loud we just _have_ to go to titles.

_(((This episode was written by David Gerrold, who only wrote one other episode in season three called _The Cloud Minders_, which is a quite painful episode featuring some very out of character behavior from Spock (according to Nimoy himself) and both him and Kirk wrapped up in a couple of females. _

_I believe Gerrold was the one who flat out stated that he hated even the idea of K/S, but I must be wrong because I know for a fact that he wrote a story in the _Star Trek Ultimate Manga_ in which Kirk, under the influence of a happy pheromone, says "Spock, have I ever told you how much I love you?" right to the Vulcan himself. Then the pheromone wears off and anybody afflicted doesn't remember a thing. _

_Now, that's slashy as all get out, so if I'm remembering correctly (and I think I am) and he was the one who said he hated K/S, then I'm guessing that was after the Tribble episode, and he clearly came around by the time he wrote that story for the manga, which was much later. Long story short (too late): As far as this episode is concerned, he's not a friend._

_But oh, look at who _directed_ this episode: Joseph Pevney. He did fourteen episodes in all, including _Devil in the Dark, City on the Edge of Forever, The Apple, Catspaw, Taste of Armageddon _and, oh yes, _Amok Time_._

_He's not just a friend, he's a BEST friend.)))_

The Enterprise has K-7 in its sights, and the Captain's Log reiterates that the call wasn't just distress, it was a Priority One Oh Shit We're Gonna Die call, which is the biggest, baddest call you can make. Kirk has everyone on alert, and they head to the space station with major SRS BSNS faces firmly in place.

But as they approach, everything looks fine. There's no attack in progress, no Klingons, not even an Angry Icicle Condom of Fire in sight.

Kirk shoots a concerned "What the hell is going on?" look to Spock, who replies with a "I'm just as startled as you are though I would never outwardly admit it because I'm a Vulcan and that's how we roll" expression of his own.

Kirk has Uhura break radio silence so he can talk with K-7.

Kirk: "Space Station K-7, this is Captain Kirk of the Enterprise, what is your emergency?"

Lurry: "Captain Kirk, this is a Mr. Lurry, manager of K-7. I must apologize for the distress call."

Kirk: "Mr. Lurry, you issued a Priority One distress call, state the nature of your emergency."

_(((Uh oh, I know that tone, Kirk.)))_

Lurry: "Uh, well…perhaps you better beam over and I'll try to explain."

Kirk: "You'll try to explain? You better be prepared to do more than that. Kirk out."

_(((He is so ready to be pissed, but he's saving it until he knows exactly what the eff is going on. He's got every right to be huffy, too. It's like playing The Boy Who Cried Wolf with the Marines.)))_

Kirk and Spock immediately beam over to K-7, where they see Lurry and some mystery guy waiting for them. Kirk makes a bee line to Lurry.

Kirk: "Mr. Lurry, if there was no emergency why did you issue a Priority One distress call?"

Mystery Man: "That was _my _order, Captain."

_(((And he doesn't look sorry for doing it, either.)))_

Lurry: "Captain Kirk, this is Nilz Baris. He's out from Earth to take charge of the development project for Sherman's planet."

Kirk (to Baris): "And that gives you the authority to put an entire quadrant on defense alert?"

And then a surprise man comes the fuck out of nowhere and starts talking.

Man: "Mr. Baris is the Federation Undersecretary in charge of agricultural affairs in this quadrant."

Spock (to Kirk): "…and that gives him the authority."

Kirk: "…oh."

_(((The Kirk/Spock exchange is meant to only be heard by them, and Kirk's reply isn't so much "oh" as a sound of "oh…well damn.")))_

Baris: "This is my assistant, Arne Darvin."

Kirk: "This is my First Officer, Mr. Spock."

Baris: "Now, Captain, I want all available security guards and I want them posted around the storage compartment."

Kirk: "Storage compartments, storage compartments?"

_(((Glitch in the Matrix there, Kirk?)))_

Darvin: "The storage compartments containing the quadrotriticale."

Kirk: "The what what?"

_(((Someone needs to reset the Captain.)))_

Kirk: "What's quadrotriticale?"

Lurry hands him a container, and Kirk pours grain into his hand.

Kirk: "Wheat. So what?"

Baris: "Quadrotriticale is not wheat, Captain."

_(((I swear, it's only called quadrotriticale to give the actors a hard time. Oh, the advantages of being a writer.)))_

Baris: "Of course, I wouldn't expect you or Mr. Spock to know about such things-"

_(((Oh no he did NOT go there.)))_

Baris: "-but quadrotriticale is a rather-"

Spock: "Quadrotriticale is a high yield grain, a four lobed hybrid of wheat and rye."

Kirk gives a wry look to everyone.

Spock: "A perennial also, if I'm not mistaken. It's root grain, triticale, can trace its ancestry all the way back 20th century Canada, where-"

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, you've made your point."

_(((DAMN STRAIGHT. Hand it to the douchebag, Spock! ::waves pom poms:: )))_

_(((And this pretty much goes without saying, but Kirk's little look of "_why_ did you have to insult his intelligence?" is so much win I can barely stand it. _

_Ah, the BAMF. Both of them have way too much of it.)))_

Lurry: "Quadrotriticale is the only Earth grain that will grow on Sherman's planet. Now we have several tons of it on the station, and it's very important that that grain gets to Sherman's Planet safely. Mr. Baris thinks that Klingon agents may try to sabotage it."

Aaaaand Kirk is pissed. He walks right up Baris.

Kirk: "You issued a Priority One distress call for a couple of tons of wheat?"

Darvin: "_Quadrotriticale_."

Kirk glares at Darvin.

_(((Translation: You did NOT just correct me, motherfucker.)))_

Baris: "Of course, Captain, I realize-"

Kirk: "Mr. Baris, you summoned the Enterprise without an emergency. You'll take full responsibility for it."

Kirk goes back to Spock's side.

Baris: "What do you mean?"

Spock: "Misuse of the Priority One channel is a Federation offense."

Baris: "I did not misuse the Priority One channel. I want that grain protected!"

Lurry: "Captain, couldn't you at least post a couple of guards? We do have a large number of ships passing through."

Kirk inhales to give Lurry the good ol' HELL NO, but Spock speaks first.

Spock: "It would seem a logical precaution, Captain. The Sherman's Planet affair is of extreme importance to the Federation."

Kirk looks around, not happy at the thought of giving them what they want. He glances at Spock one last time with an "are you sure?" expression, Spock nods, and Kirk gives the order to have the quadrotriticale watched, but only by two men. He further orders shore leave for the crew.

_(((That last bit of eye contact between the boys is adorable, by the way. I'm not saying it's slashy, it's just precious. "Do I _have_ to?" "Yes, you do."_

_The fact that it happens so on the fly is just a testament to Shatner and Nimoy._

_Hee.)))_

Baris is still not happy. In fact, he's flat out angry.

Baris: "Captain Kirk, how dare you authorize a mere two men for a project of this importance. Starfleet Command-"

Kirk steps right back up to him.

Kirk: "I have never questioned the orders or the intelligence of any representative of the Federation."

He starts walking away. Stops. Turns.

Kirk: "Until now."

Exit Kirk and Spock.

_(((OHHHHHHHH KIRK BURN._

_And Shatner's delivery? Priceless.)))_

_(((I actually quite like this conflict. You get where both guys are coming from, why they've got problems with each other, and they're both being a pain. Baris is pious, Kirk is stubborn, both are operating with the knowledge and experience they currently possess. Oh, and they hate each other. Lovely.)))_

Transition to later, where Kirk and Spock are at a bar while Kirk bitches about the ridiculousness of what just happened. Kirk downs a drink, Spock has nothing, and they head for the exit.

_(((Ooo, already observing the fact that alcohol has no effect on Vulcans before you've even flat out stated it are we, Star Trek? Well done.)))_

Uhura and Chekov enter just as Kirk and Spock are leaving.

Kirk: "I see you didn't waste any time taking your shore leave."

Uhura: "And how often do I get shore leave?"

_(((Haaaaa, major kudos to Nichols for making one line so badass. Look at that unwavering eye contact with the Captain! _

_I heart you, Uhura.)))_

Kirk hands Chekov a container of the grain and asks for his opinion.

Chekov: "Oh, quadrotriticale!"

Kirk and Spock trade wary looks.

Chekov: "I've read about it, but I've never seen any before."

Kirk: "Does everybody know about this wheat but me?"

_(((Aw, poor Kirk, he's out of the Obscure Grains loop.)))_

Chekov: "Well, not everyone, Captain, it's a Russian invention."

Kirk: "…oh."

_(((I can't even describe why Kirk's 'oh' is funny, it just is.)))_

Kirk and Spock finally take their leave, while Uhura and Chekov make their way to a bar. A Big Jolly Salesman is trying to push trinkets off on the Bartender, who's tired of the guy's bullshit. In a last ditch effort, the Big Jolly Salesman takes out a fluffy ball of fur…and Uhura is instantly in love. BJS explains that it's a tribble!

_(((Yayyyyyy a tribble makes its first appearance! ::squee:: )))_

The BJS says that it's the sweetest thing in existence, and then the tribble purrs, and omfg it's so cute I don't even know.

The Bartender and the BJS haggle over the price of the tribble while the tribble itself crawls over to the quadrotriticale and munches on it a little bit. They settle on a price, then BJS claims this specific tribble as his "sample" and offers to give it to Uhura for free.

Uhura: "Oh I couldn't…could I?"

_(((Cute Uhura is really damn cute.)))_

Cut to a little late, where Kirk and Spock are hanging out in a conference room. Before anyone can say anything, though, the bridge chimes in to say that Starfleet's on the line.

_(((That's like the second place they've been hanging out together in the past four minutes. Just thought I'd mention it.)))_

Kirk chats with a Starfleet officer, who charges the Enterprise with responsibility of the grain's safety and the safety of the project as a whole. They say goodbye, and Spock's face reads as follows: Well ain't that a kick in the pants?

Kirk: "Well that's…just…lovely."

Spock: "But not totally unexpected."

Uhura chimes in again, only this time it's serious. A Klingon battle cruiser is headed for the space station! Quick, to the Batmobridge!

Kirk and Spock run to the bridge as a red alert wails at everyone. So far the Klingon ship is just sitting there, and two seconds later Lurry pops up on the main screen to say it's cool, they won't be attacking 'cause, you know…the Captain of the Klingon ship is sitting right next to me.

The Klingon Captain turns around…and it's The Squire of Gothos!

_(((Not _really_, but it IS the same actor. _

_In a different role. _

_On the same show._

…

_Yay 60s.)))_

Kirk and Spock trade "oh shit" looks and they beam right over.

After the commercial, a Captain's Log does a quick recap and we're off to the next scene. Our boys arrive on K-7 once again and stroll over to the Klingon Captain (who has a henchmen with him).

Koloth: "My dear Captain Kirk."

Kirk: "My dear Captain Koloth."

_(((Oh, so they know each other._

_Also: Captain-to-captain snark ftw.)))_

Koloth swears that they're only here for shore leave because they don't let women on their ship and they've been in space for five months.

_(((ORLY, Klingons? Five months is a long time with no women…)))_

Koloth then boasts that Kirk can't do crap about crap because of the peace treaty that's in effect.

Lurry pulls Kirk aside.

Lurry: "Kirk, I don't want them here but I don't have the authority to refuse."

Kirk: "Hm…well, I have the authority to act and I'm gonna use it."

He turns on the charm and rejoins the group.

Kirk: "My dear Captain Koloth. You may indeed bring your men down on shore leave, but only twelve at a time and I assure that for every man you bring down here, I shall have one security guard. There'll be no trouble."

_(((Why Kirk, you clever bitch.)))_

The Captains agree with pleasant-yet-strained smiles that there's no official hostility between their two species, and they'll keep it that way.

Later, Kirk and Spock enter a sort of lounge area/rec room to find Scotty at a desk, looking at a personal monitor. Kirk leans over and spies on him.

Kirk: "Technical journals, Scotty?"

Scotty (smiling): "Aye."

Kirk: "Don't you ever relax?"

Scotty: "I _am_ relaxing."

_(((Of course you are, Scotty. That's why we love you.)))_

Kirk and Spock find a bunch of people (including Uhura and McCoy) at a table with about a dozen tribbles of various sizes and colors. And they're all cooing.

Uhura says that she didn't expect her tribble to have babies but there you have it. Meanwhile, Spock has picked up a little white one.

Spock: "A most curious creature, Captain. It's trilling seems to have a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system. Fortunately, though, I am…immune…to its…effect…"

He gets lost in petting the tribble, and everyone looks at him.

_(((CUTEST. FUCKING. SPOCK MOMENT. EVER._

…_well, at least one of the top three. XD)))_

Spock snaps back to reality, looks at Kirk, then promptly sets down the tribble. Kirk smiles and they both leave.

_(((Kirk looks about as tickled as we are. Srsly.)))_

McCoy asks Uhura if he can take one to examine.

Uhura: "Well all right, doctor, but if you're gonna dissect it I don't want to know about it."

McCoy: "I won't harm a hair on its head…wherever that is."

Everyone laughs in a totally genuine, not at all scripted fashion and everyone winds up taking a tribble of their own because Uhura is generous like that.

Cut to Kirk and Spock taking a stroll down a corridor. An intercom chirps and they stop while Chekov (on the bridge) tells Kirk that Baris is calling for him. Kirk accepts.

Kirk: "Yes, Mr. Baris, what can I do for you?"

Baris: "Kirk, this station is swarming with Klingons!"

Kirk: "I was not aware, Mr. Baris, that twelve Klingons constitutes a swarm."

_(((FFFFFFF I love you, you unrelenting smartass.)))_

Baris: "Captain Kirk, there are _Klingon soldiers_ on this station. Now I want you to keep that grain safe!"

Kirk: "Mr. Baris, I have guards around the grain. I have guards around the Klingons. The only reason those guards are there is because Starfleet wants them there as for what you want…"

Kirk looks at Spock, who gives him a head tilted "_Please_ don't say anything rude, Captain" expression. Kirk deflates a little.

Kirk: "It has been noted and logged. Kirk out."

_(((That's right Spock, reign in your irrational human man._

_I mean what?)))_

Kirk goes to leave.

Spock: "Captain, may I ask where you'll be?"

Kirk: "Sickbay. With a headache."

_(((Uh, Spock, this is like the first time in the whole episode that Kirk has left your side. It's okay, sweetie, he's a big strong cap'n, he can take care of himself._

…_but your codependence is very endearing, sir.)))_

Transition to McCoy in Sickbay, looking at a bunch of tribbles in a weird glass cylinder thing. Kirk strolls in.

Kirk: "Bones, what do you got for a headache."

McCoy: "Let me guess…the Klingons. Baris!"

Kirk: "Both."

Kirk notices the group of tribbles.

Kirk: "How many of these did Uhura give you?"

McCoy: "Just one."

Kirk: "But you've got eleven."

McCoy: "Noticed that, huh?"

McCoy gives Kirk a pill.

McCoy: "Here, this ought to take care of it."

Kirk: "How do they…how do they uh…"

_(((Kirk trying to ask "how do they make babies" without having to actually ask it should not be this cute to me._

_Or maybe it should.)))_

McCoy explains that he hasn't figured out exactly how yet, but he does know that 50% of a tribble's metabolism is geared toward reproduction.

_(((So it's about the same as a Tiger Woods', then.)))_

McCoy: "Do you know what you get if you feed a tribble too much?"

Pause. Kirk looks stumped, puzzled.

Kirk: "…a fat tribble."

_(((Oh god, the stern sincerity that he answered with, and his face, I just…_

_Brb, giggling forever.)))_

McCoy: "No, just a bunch of hungry little tribbles."

Kirk: "Well, Bones, all I can suggest is that you open up a maternity ward."

_(((Cue rimshot.)))_

Cut to Kirk in the transporter room with a bunch of random crewman, Scotty and Chekov. He instructs everyone to stay in groups and avoid the Klingons. Scotty says he's not going at first, but Kirk gives and order, so he has to follow it.

_(((One can only assume his reluctance is because he doesn't want to leave the ship._

_Aloooot of codependency going around lately.)))_

Scotty, Chekov and a random crewman we'll name Billy Bob arrive at the bar and have a seat. The Big Jolly Salesman is back and makes the round, offering everyone a tribble. When he gets to the Klingons, the tribble freaks the fuck out, as do the Klingons. BJS then wanders over to the Bartender, where he tries to offer a tribble in exchange for a drink. The Bartender then reaches under the bar and plops tribble after tribble after tribble in front of the BJS in a way that is nothing short of hilarious.

_(((Anyone know of a GIF of that? I need one to live.)))_

Scotty, Chekov and Billy Bob are served drinks.

Scotty: "When are you gonna get off that milk diet, lad?"

Chekov: "This is vodka."

Scotty: "Where I come from, that's soda pop. Now this is a drink for a man."

Chekov: "Scotch?"

Scotty: "Aye."

Chekov: "It was invented by a little old lady from Leningrad."

They laugh.

_(((Scotty and Chekov trading barbs about alcohol might be my new favorite thing ever.)))_

Then a Wasted Klingon starts talking shit about humans, because that's apparently what wasted Klingons do. Chekov gets riled, but Scotty is the picture of cool. Then the Wasted Klingon starts in on Kirk.

Wasted Klingon: "Kirk may be a swaggering, overbearing, tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood, but he's not soft."

_(((Funny how the swagger gets mentioned among everything.)))_

Chekov moves to attack, but Scotty stops him, still as calm as ever.

Scotty: "Easy lad, everybody's entitled to an opinion."

Wasted Klingon: "That's right. And if I think Kirk is a Denebian slime devil, well that's my opinion too."

Chekov goes to strike again, and once again Scotty stops him.

Scotty: "Don't do it, mister, and that's an order."

Chekov: "But you heard what he called the Captain."

Scotty: "Forget it. It's not worth fighting for. We're big enough to take a few insults. Now drink your drink"

_(((Check out Mr. Buddha Engineer, handing out the peace talk.)))_

Wasted Klingon: "Of course, we think Kirk deserves his ship. We like the Enterprise."

_((Uh oh.)))_

Wasted Klingon: "We really do. That sagging,"

_(((Oh dear.)))_

Wasted Klingon: "old rust bucket,"

_(((Oh crap.)))_

Wasted Klingon: "is designed like a garbage scow."

_(((Hit the deck.)))_

Wasted Klingon: "Half the quadrant knows it. That's why they're learning to speak Klingonee."

Scotty puts on his BAMF face.

Scotty: "Don't you think you should rephrase that?"

Wasted Klingon: "You're right, I should. I didn't mean to say that the Enteprise should be hauling garbage. I meant to say that it should be hauled away _as_ garbage."

Scotty calmly, smoothly, effortlessly stands up…and decks the fuck out of Wasted Klingon. Cue bar fight with music and stunt doubles galore.

Back from commercial and on the Enterprise, Kirk walks back and forth in front of a long line of crewman, with Chekov and Scotty in the foreground.

_(((Speaking of back, godDAMN Kirk has a nice one.)))_

Kirk demands to know who started it. He accuses Chekov, and nobody owns up to who did it. He confines everyone to their quarters until he figures it out. He keeps Scotty behind to ask him in private.

Kirk: "Who threw the first punch?"

Scotty: "Um…"

_(((Awwww, poor Scotty. He is SO busted and he knows it.)))_

Scotty: "…I did, Captain."

Kirk: "You did, Mr. Scott?"

He nods.

Kirk: "What caused it, Scotty?"

Scotty: "They insulted us, sir!"

Kirk: "Must have been some insult."

Scotty: "Aye. It was."

Kirk: "You threw the first punch…"

_(((He's not so much angry as he is calmly surprised.)))_

Scotty: "Chekov wanted to, but I held him back."

Kirk: "You held…why did Chekov want to start a fight?"

Scotty: "Uh…the Klingons, sir…is this off the record?"

Kirk: "No, this is not off the record!"

_(((Haaaa Kirk is so lost.)))_

Scotty: "Well, Captain, uh…Klingons called you a…a tin-plated, overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood."

Kirk straightens up.

Kirk: "Is that all?"

Scotty: "No, sir, they also compared you with a Denebian slime devil."

Kirk: "I see."

Scotty: "And then they said that you were-"

Kirk: "_I get the picture_, Scotty_._"

Scotty: "Yes, sir."

_(((This whole thing is too funny for words.)))_

Kirk: "And after they said all this, that's when you hit the Klingons."

_(((He sounds totally convinced, like he's finally figured it all out.)))_

Scotty: "No, sir."

Kirk: "…no?"

Scotty: "No, I…I didn't. You told us to avoid trouble."

Kirk: "Oh, yes."

Scotty: "I didn't see that it was worth fighting about."

Kirk's face falls a little.

_(((You really need to stop being so precious, Kirk. It's killing me.)))_

Scotty: "After all, we're big enough to take a few insults. Aren't we?"

Kirk: "What was it they said that started the fight?"

Scotty: "They called the Enterprise a garbage scow!...sir."

Kirk: "…I see. And that's when you hit the Klingons?"

Scotty: "Yes, sir."

Kirk: "You hit the Klingons because they insulted the Enterprise, not because they…"

_((()))_

Scotty: "Well, sir, this was a matter of pride."

_(((Stop it, Star Trek, you're being way too hilarious.)))_

Kirk: "All right, Scotty, dismissed. Scotty, you're restricted to quarters until further notice."

Scotty: "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir! It'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals."

Scotty leaves.

_(((Kirk's. face. is. priceless.)))_

Cut to the weird glass cylinder thing in sickbay, only now it's overflowing with tribbles.

_(((Complete with that weird tribble theme. Wtf _is_ that anyway?)))_

McCoy is standing next to Spock, who is literally holding a bowl of seeds and tribbles.

Spock: "There's something disquieting about these creatures."

McCoy: "Oh? Don't tell me you've got a feeling."

_(((Ha!)))_

Spock: "Don't be insulting, doctor."

_(((Double ha!)))_

Spock: "They remind me of the lilies of the field. They toil not, neither do they spin, but they seem to eat a great deal. I see no practical use for them."

McCoy: "Does everything have to have a practical use for you? They're nice, they're soft and they're furry and they make a pleasant sound."

Spock: "So would an Ermin violin, doctor, but I see no advantage in having one."

McCoy: "It is a human characteristic to love little animals,"

_(((HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA a million points to Kelley for that ornery delivery, oh my god.)))_

McCoy: "especially if they're attractive in some way."

Spock: "I am well aware of human characteristics. I am frequently inundated by them, but I've trained myself to put up with practically anything."

McCoy: "Spock, I don't know much about these little tribbles yet, but there is one thing that I've discovered."

Spock: "What is that, doctor?"

McCoy: "I like them. Better than I like you."

_(((FFFFFF Stop it, McCoy. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa)))_

Spock: "Doctor, they do indeed have on redeeming characteristic."

McCoy: "What's that?"

Spock: "They do not talk to much. If you'll excuse me sir."

_(((Aaaand the final score of the Snipefest comes down to Spock - 4, McCoy – 3. The Vulcan takes this round, but the BAMF-o-meter has been officially broken. Repairs will be seen to immediately.)))_

Transition to the bridge and Kirk enters, clearly still thinking about the whole fight thing. He goes to have a seat in his chair, which promptly squeaks at him. He looks down and picks up a large tribble, marveling at it until he realizes that the entire bridge is covered in them. He gawks for a few seconds, then pounces on the intercom. Before he speaks though, he forces himself to mellow out before dutifully ordering McCoy to the bridge.

_(((Taking notes from Spock, eh Kirk?)))_

He takes a little walk to the front of the room, still holding his tribble. Noticing that Chekov is transfixed with one, Kirk snatches it away. Now he's got two tribbles.

_(((This is all way, WAY too cute.)))_

Then he happens upon a little crawling tribble. He smiles a little and lets it crawl to his hand. Spock catches him, pops up his eyebrows, and turns back around. Kirk puts his serious face back on and picks up the third tribble.

_(((I could watch. that. forever._

_I mean. REALLY.)))_

_(((These are a bunch of brave, BAMF, heroic, intelligent explorers, and they're being thwarted by little balls of cooing fur. One cannot express the awesome.)))_

Kirk marches over to Uhura and tries to speak as seriously as possible, but she doesn't know how this happened.

McCoy arrives…with a tribble in hand.

McCoy: "You wanted to see me, Jim?"

Kirk thrusts the tribbles in his face.

_(((I'm a CAPTAIN, dammit, what am I supposed to do with THESE?)))_

McCoy: "Well don't look at me, it's the tribbles who are breeding. If we don't get them off this ship, we'll be hip deep in them."

Kirk: "Can you explain that?"

McCoy: "The nearest thing I can figure out is that they're born pregnant, which seems to be quite a time saver."

Kirk: "I know, but really…"

McCoy: "And from my observations it seems they're bisexual, reproducing at will."

_(((So…I know it's innocent…but…it's still interesting to hear the world 'bisexual' be spoken to Kirk, of all people. And is that even the right word to use here?_

_It has to be innocent, but that doesn't mean I won't enjoy it.)))_

McCoy looks around.

McCoy: "…and brother have they got a lot of will."

_(((Heh.)))_

Spock agrees with McCoy's theory.

Spock: "They're consuming our supplies, but return nothing."

Uhura: "Oh but they do give us something, Mr. Spock. They give us love."

_(((Is…is a tribble sitting in her collar?)))_

Uhura: "Well Cyrano Jones says that a tribble is the only love that money can buy."

_(((Not true. There's a place downtown off the highway-_

…

_I've said too much.)))_

Kirk: "Too much of anything, lieutenant, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing."

_(((Hm? Is that a message and/or point to the episode, even though it's an admittedly silly one?_

…_nah. Couldn't be.)))_

After that Kirk gets a little fed up and orders the bridge to get cleaned up and says he's beaming to the space station, and the BAMF Trio leaves with armfuls of tribbles.

Transition to Lurry's office, where Kirk and Spock confront the Big Jolly Salesman. BJS tries to be, well, jolly about the whole thing and he gets the hell out of the room. Baris and Darvin enter.

Baris: "Captain Kirk, I consider your security measures a disgrace. In my opinion, you have taken this entire, very important, project far too lightly."

Kirk: "On the contrary, sir. I think of this project as very important. It is you I take lightly."

_(((Said with a smile, and a tribble in his hand._

_You don't get any more BAMF than that. You just don't.)))_

Baris: "I'm going to report fully, to the proper authorities, that you have given free and complete access to this station to a man who is quite probably a Klingon agent."

Kirk: "That's a very serious accusation. To who are you referring?"

Baris: "To that man who just walked out of here."

Kirk: "Cyrano Jones? A Klingon agent?"

He laughs a little.

Baris: "You heard me."

Kirk: "I heard you."

Spock: "He simply could not believe his ears."

Kirk looks at Spock with an ORLY face.

Spock shrugs.

They go about their business.

_(((If they keep this up, the funny is going to kill me. Jesus.)))_

Baris explain that Darvin has been keeping an eye on BJS all this time and what he's seen has been very suspicious. Darvin says that he checked the log and BJS was in the Klingon sphere of influence as little as four months ago. They both call SPY!

Kirk nods to Spock to tell them what they know, and Spock explains that their check has found BJS to be licensed, legal, and very much on the level. Kirk tells them to calm the fuck down and leaves with Spock in tow.

Cut to Kirk and Spock arriving in the mess hall on the Enterprise. Kirk grabs his tray, only to find that his food is made up of mostly tribbles.

Kirk: "My chicken sandwich and coffee. My chicken sandwich and coffee!"

_(((Uh oh, he's skipping again.)))_

Scotty enters with a huge armful of tribbles and explains that they've gotten into all the food processors and engineering, probably through the air vents. Hey, the space station has air vents! Near the storage compartments! Grab Scooby and I'll meet you at the Mystery Machine!

Kirk and Spock make their way to the transporter room…which is also covered in tribbles. They beam to the space station, where Lurry and Baris follow as they make a mad dash to the storage area.

When they arrive, Kirk tries to open the lower compartments, but they won't budge so he opens an upper compartment…and is swiftly showered by an endless onslaught of tribbles.

Back from commercial, and we see a giant pile of tribbles.

And then, Kirk slowly pops his head up and out of the pile with the biggest 'fuck my life' expression in the history of life, the universe and everything.

_(((It does not get any better than this._

_DOES. NOT.)))_

Spock says they're gorged, of course, on the grain. Also, there's over a million of them. Also also, the occasional tribble is still falling down the chute and hitting Kirk.

_(((Shatner does a _superb_ job of working that into his action and dialogue.)))_

Right in the middle of Baris giving Kirk the what for, and tribble hits Kirk directly on the back of the head.

_(((My favorite part. XD)))_

Kirk finally gets to Baris to shut up, and then McCoy comes in with a tribble in each hand.

McCoy: "Jim, I think I've got it! All we have to do is quit feeding them! We quit feeding them, they stop breeding!"

_(((That is NOT what they needed to hear, McCoy. Fffffffffff)))_

Kirk: "Now he tells me."

Then Spock realizes that most of the tribbles are dead and McCoy figures out that the rest are dying, just to give the episode the morbidity it was missing. McCoy goes off to figure out both what keeps the tribbles alive and what's killing them, and that's the last we see of Kirk in a pile of tribbles.

_(((Sadface.)))_

Back in Lurry's office, and poor random crewman picks up a few tribbles before BJS is escorted in. Everyone in the room is as follows: Kirk, Spock, BJS, Baris, and Koloth + his henchmen soon enter.

Koloth demands an apology for Kirk mistreating the Klingons, and Kirk's face is decidedly 'lolwhut?' But before they deal with all that, they start to deal with BJS.

Koloth: "Can I make one request?"

Kirk: "Sure."

Koloth gestures to the tribbles.

Koloth: "Can you get those things out of here?"

A couple of random crewman take the tribbles from BJS and head for the door just as Darvin is entering…and the tribbles freak out.

Spock: "Fascinating."

Kirk: "Hold on a minute."

He turns to BJS.

Kirk: "I thought you said tribbles liked everybody?"

BJS: "Well they do! I can't understand it. The last time I saw one act this way was at the bar."

Kirk: "What was at the bar?"

BJS: "Klingons."

Kirk marches over to the door, takes a couple of tribbles from the random crewman, and starts walking back to his place. As he passes Wasted Klingon (who's sober now), the tribbles freak out. Then McCoy is late to the party, but he arrives.

Kirk wanders over to Spock, and the tribbles are fine.

Kirk: "But they do like Vulcans. Why, Mr. Spock, I didn't know you had it in you."

_((( o.o )))_

Spock: "Obviously, tribbles are very perceptive creatures, captain."

_((( o.O )))_

Kirk: "Obviously."

Kirk turns and passes McCoy, shooting him a major grin.

_((( O.O )))_

_(((Okay okay okay wait okay wait wait okay. _

_Back up._

_Do me a favor, look at the text of what just happened. Doesn't look too thrilling, does it? _

_Now watch the clip itself._

Much_ different, isn't it?_

_Once again (and I say that because these two have done this before) Kirk and Spock took innocent, innocuous dialogue and ramped it up with flirty subtext. Don't listen to the words, listen to _how they say the words_. _

_Of course the text itself isn't going to be slashy, the writer isn't a friend. _

_But the director is. And the actors are. So they made it slashy anyway. Because they know exactly what the fuck they're doing._

_And don't tell me they're not flirting. We all know what flirting sounds like. Especially really obvious flirting. This is flirting. Don't lie._

_And what about that smirk Kirk gave to McCoy, eh? That "Did you _see_ what just happened we are so talking about this later" SMILE Kirk snuck in before continuing on? McCoy doesn't just know, but by this point it's apparently an open subject between them. _

_WHICH. IS. AMAZING._

_NOT TO MENTION EXTREMELY. FUCKING. TELLING.)))_

_(((Finally, a drop of water to help us through the Slash Drought. Joy of joys. XD )))_

Kirk approaches Baris. The tribbles are calm.

Kirk: "Mr. Baris, they like you. Well, there's no accounting for taste."

_(((._

_Who doesn't love it when Kirk hates someone? _

_Nazis, that's who.)))_

Then Kirk makes his way to Darvin, and they freak out again. It is thereby revealed that (DUN DUN DUNNNN) Darvin is a Klingon in disguise!1!11!

_(((In all honesty, I did not see this coming. I mean, I got it when the tribbles freaked out at him the first time, but in the grand scheme of things I was genuinely surprised. Well done, Star Trek.)))_

Darvin was the one who poisoned the grain and all that jazz, and Kirk decides to taunt him with tribbles.

_(((I really love the fact that that sentence is accurate to something that really happened in an episode of Star Trek.)))_

Kirk tells Koloth to GTFO, and the tribbles freak out as they leave. Kirk then tries to quite them.

_(((Killing me with absolute fucking adorableness in the process.)))_

Transition to a scene where Kirk and Spock let BJS off easy, sentencing him to get every last tribble off the space station. It'll take him 17.9 years.

_(((Extra HA to the Bartender up to his head in tribbles and none too happy about it.)))_

Back on the bridge, Kirk arrives to hear that another shipment of quadrotriticale has been diverted to Sherman's Planet. Kirk has a seat and looks around.

Kirk: "I don't see any tribbles around here."

McCoy: "And you won't find a tribble on the entire ship."

Kirk: "Bones, how did you do it?"

McCoy: "Well, I can't take credit for another man's work. Scotty did it."

Kirk: "Scotty!"

Scotty's face falls.

Kirk: "Where are the tribbles?"

Scotty: "Oh, Captain, it was really Mr. Spock's recommendation."

Kirk: "Of course. Spock?"

_(((Say that with a little more fondness, Kirk, we didn't quite get the message.)))_

Spock: "Based on computer analysis, of course. Taking into account the possibilities of-"

Kirk: "Gentlemen, I don't want to interrupt this mutual admiration society but I'd like to know where the tribbles are."

McCoy: "Tell him, Spock."

Spock: "Well, it was Mr. Scott who performed the actual engineering."

_(((Smooooooooth, Spock.)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Scott!"

_(((Someone give the man an answer before he has to go Captain Sexy Pants on your asses.)))_

Kirk: "Where. are. the tribbles?"

Scotty: "I used the transporter, Captain."

Kirk: "You used the transporter?"

Scotty: "Aye."

Kirk: "Well where did you transport them?"

Scotty looks at McCoy. Kirk looks at McCoy. McCoy looks at the ceiling. Kirk looks at Spock. Spock arches an eyebrow.

_(((BRAD! JANET! DOCTOR SCOTT! ROCKY!)))_

Kirk thinks he's got it.

Kirk: "Scott, you didn't transport them into space, did you?"

Scotty: "Captain Kirk, that'd be inhuman."

Kirk: "Well where are they?"

Scotty: "I gave them a very good home, sir."

Kirk: "WHERE?"

_(((LOVE it when he roars.)))_

Scotty: "I gave them to the Klingons, sir."

Kirk: "…you gave them to the Klingons?"

Scotty: "Aye, sir. Before they went into warp I transported the whole kit and caboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no trouble at all."

_(((This episode was already a 15 on a scale from 1-10, but now the scale is just flat out broken._

_This show owes me a scale and a BAMF-o-meter.)))_

Everybody cracks up, because that shit is HILARIOUS.

End of episode!

* * *

**The Cooing Score:**

Episode Specific:

Times Kirk and Spock are hanging out together – 4

Times Kirk repeats himself – 3

Times Spock had to reel Kirk in before he mouthed off – 2

Times Kirk had to pull teeth just to get some damn information – 2

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 22

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 11

Times Spock is injured – 7

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 6

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 5

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 5

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 3

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times a disease threatens the crew – 3

Times Immortality is Found – 3

Times Spock uses the Vulcan hand sign – 2

Times Someone Says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2

Pointless Rolls – 2

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 2

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1

_(((No increase in any of the stats? Oh my.)))_

**Next Episode: Bread and Circuses (see also: End of Slash Drought…sort of)**


	43. 2x14 Bread and Circuses

**Author's Note: **These are the two most common questions I get: 'Are you gonna do the movies/reboot too?' and 'Why are you going out of order?'

I've gotten these questions since the beginning of the project, so to try and get everything clear up once and for all I'm going to post the answers in every AN for the rest of season two. =)

Yes, I will be doing movies 1-6 _and_ the reboot.

No, I'm not going out of order. The show was aired out of order, and that is sadly the order that almost all of the major sites use. I'm going by the _order in which the episodes were filmed_ because (and I know I'm stating the obvious here) that's the only way to track the real development of the characters and the progression of the show in general.

P.S. – I've been waiting SO LONG for this episode.

* * *

**Season 2, Episode 14: Bread and Circuses**

We open on the bridge, where everyone is staring…at…

_(((Hold on, let the camera pan left…)))_

…Kirk…

_(((While we're young, Camera, come on now.)))_

…who's staring at…Spock.

_(((Damn nice way to start an episode, if you ask me.)))_

Spock is bent over the scanner with Kirk right behind him.

_(((Creating 'Suggestive Position' number 4383940590743895879._

_Was it on purpose? No._

_Does it make for devious screencaps? Yes.)))_

Spock: "No doubt about it, Captain. Space debris comes from the survey vessel, The S.S. Beagle."

_(((Everyone's dead silent and staring at Kirk staring at Spock because of space debris? Hell of a slow news day.)))_

Kirk: "Missing for six years and now this. Junk in space."

_(((Oh. I guess the news day's not so slow, then.)))_

Spock: "Portions of the antimatter in the cells, personal belongings…Captain, no signs of bodies whatsoever."

_(((Except the one I'm displaying in front of you right now, of course._

_I mean._

…

_What?)))_

Kirk: "Then, whatever destroyed the ship, the crew was able to get off safely."

They determine that the debris had drifted from Planet 4 in Star System 892, which just so happens to be dead ahead.

_(((Small universe.)))_

Kirk orders a standard orbit, and Spock starts rattling off info about the S.S. Beagle.

Spock: "S.S. Beagle. Small class four, star drive vessel, crew of forty-seven, commanded by…Jim, I believe you knew him. Captain R.M. Merik."

_(((What's this? A 'Jim' before the two minute mark? _

_Promising…)))_

Kirk: "Yes, at the Academy. He was dropped in his fifth year; he went into the merchant service."

_(((So Spock knows about some random guy Kirk went to the Academy with? I wonder how many conversations over chess they had to have before Kirk got around to bringing him up._

_It's not slashy, but it's a nice little hint at just how well these two know each other. And either Spock isn't giving much of his back story in return, or _Amok Time_ opened him up quite a bit and Kirk knows about Spock's past as much as Spock knows about Kirk's. Plenty of options for interesting speculation.)))_

The planet is in viewing range now and hey! It looks almost exactly like Earth!

Kirk: "Yeah, similar, but the land masses and oceans are quite different, however."

_(((In case there were any blind people in the audience.)))_

Spock: "Different in shape only, Captain, but proportion of land to water is exactly as on your Earth. Density 5.5, diameter 7917, the equator-"

Kirk casts a look over at Spock and smiles fondly.

_(((D'awwww. Kirk likes it so. much. when Spock gets all Smarty Pants._

_Either that, or Kirk really enjoys hearing Earth's statistics 'cause it's home. _

_This one is up to you, it could go either way.)))_

Spock: "-atmosphere 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, again: exactly like Earth."

Kirk: "Exactly in some ways, different in others."

_(((Happy Kirk makes me happy.)))_

Spock establishes that the planet is well enough along for powered transportation, radio and such, but no atomic power.

Uhura picks up a black and white video transmission of a news report, where we see a couple of poor schmoes getting pulled out of their houses by officers 'cause they're slaves in the middle of a peaceful uprising.

_(((Clearly this is a party planet.))) _

But then it changes to sports, and we see the results of the gladiator arena fights from last night. The fighters involved are amateurs who were thrown in prison for petty thievery, and oh look one stabbed the other to death.

_(((Hi world, grim much?)))_

Then they talk about the professionals fighting each other and mention Claudius Marcus, a guy who's apparently the bees knees when it comes to gladiat…ing.

Then the feed cuts out because that's all the exposition we need for now.

Slaves? Gladiators? Why it's a 20th century Rome! At least that what Kirk deduces.

Spock figures out that the guy who was fighting Claudius was a member of the S.S. Beagle. Woo, survivors!

Kirk: "Ready the transporter room, Mr. Spock."

Kirk steps forward, the camera zooms in.

Kirk: "We're beaming down."

MUSIC SWELL!

FADE TO BLACK!

_(((YAY 60s!)))_

_(((The director of this episode is Ralph Senensky, who directed 6 episodes total including _This Side of Paradise_ and, oh yes, _Metamorphosis_. A friend indeed._

_And the writer? I'm so glad you asked. Lean in close._

…

_Closer._

…_._

…

_Closer._

…

…

…_.._

_GENE COON AND GENE RODDENBERRY._

_YEAH._

_NOT ONE GENE, BUT TWO._

_AS IN BOTH._

_SHIT JUST GOT REAL._

_My eyes are peeled, motherfucker. LET'S DO THIS.)))_

After titles, The BAMF Trio beams down right on top of a steep hill/mountain thing. Kirk says 'Uh, landing spot? Why so precarious?' to which Spock replies with something about practicality, and down the hill they go.

Spock whips out the tricorder.

Spock: "Fascinating. This atmosphere is remarkably similar to your 20th century."

_(((It's like we're in 1960s America or something.)))_

Spock: "Moderately industrialized pollution-"

Kirk and McCoy look at each other. Kirk is grinning, McCoy is just kind of baffled.

_(((Perfect individual character responses to Spock geeking out…again.)))_

Spock: "-containing substantial amounts of carbon monoxide and partially consumed hydrocarbons."

McCoy: "The word was smog."

Spock: "Yes, I believe that was the term. I had no idea you were that much of a historian, doctor."

McCoy: "I am not, Mr. Spock, I was simply trying to stop you from giving us a whole lecture on the subject."

Spock arches an eyebrow and sighs.

_(((Spock is seemingly undisturbed, McCoy is huffy, and Kirk is amused by the both of them._

_All is well.)))_

_(((Also: McCoy – 1, Spock – 0.)))_

McCoy: "Jim, is there anything at all we know about this planet?"

Kirk: "The S.S. Beagle was the first ship to make a survey of the star sector when it disappeared."

Spock: "Then the Prime Directive is in full force, Captain?"

Kirk: "No identification of self or mission, no interference with the social development of said planet."

They take a little stroll towards wherever.

McCoy: "Once, just once, I'd like to be able to land someplace and say 'Behold! I am the Archangel Gabriel!'"

Spock: "I fail to see the humor in that situation, doctor."

McCoy: "Naturally. You could hardly claim to be an angel with those pointed ears, Mr. Spock, but say you landed someplace with a pitchfork-"

_(((So much love for McCoy. I don't even know._

_McCoy – 2, Spock – 0._

_Although, to be fair, Spock didn't have a chance to retort this time because-)))_

GUNFIRE!

The Trio stops in their tracks.

Trigger Happy Disembodied Voice: "Don't move! Hands in the air!"

They oblige.

Spock: "Complete Earth parallel: the language here is English."

_(((Haaaa, uh, I'm pretty sure that there's more than one language on Earth, but that's probably not what he meant.)))_

Kirk makes a reach for his gun and is promptly shot at.

THDV: "I said don't move!"

Kirk: "I think he means it, Spock."

Spock: "There would seem to be evidence to that effect."

_(((Haaa.)))_

Four men with big guns jog out from their hiding places wearing grey pants and shirts that look like they're made out of ideal sweatpants material.

_(((Except for the hot one. He's in shorts, because nothing says 'leader' to an audience like rippled thighs exposed for all to see.)))_

_(((Also, there's a three link chain printed just below the collar of their shirts to symbolize…oppression? All men are part of a chain? S&M? Who knows.)))_

Leggy McStubble: "Who are you?"

Kirk: "We come from another…province."

_(((Smooth.)))_

McStubble walks up to Spock and notices his odd appearance.

McStubble: "Where are _you_ from? What do you call those?"

Spock: "I call them ears."

McStubble: "Trying to be funny?"

Spock: "Never."

_(((There is no greater deadpan delivery than Spock's. None.)))_

Spock points out McStubble is using 20th century English and what a parallel that is, McStubble says he should kill them here but some dude named Septimus would be pissed, and they all shuffle off to the next scene.

Outside what we're presuming the be the hideout of whoever the hell these people are, an older man pops out of a small opening in the side of a mountain. McStubble addresses the guy as Septimus and says he didn't hurt the dashing protagonists even though he totally wanted to.

Septimus: "Keep always in your mind, Flavius, that our way is peace."

_(((And murdering people for wearing funny clothes probably isn't so peaceful, y'know?)))_

_(((Awww, his name is Flavius? But I liked Leggy. Oh well.)))_

McCoy: "For which we are grateful, for we are men of peace ourselves."

Septimus: "Oh? Are you children of the sun?"

_(((Nah, we're more like nephews really.)))_

McCoy: "Well, uh, if you're speaking of worships of sorts, we represent many beliefs."

_(((Let's all take a moment to have a glorious 'fuck yeah' for an American show in the 1960s letting their main stars support and represent many religious beliefs._

…

_FUCK YEAH.)))_

McStubble: "There is only one true belief."

_(((Stubble or no, you've been docked a couple points, Leggy.)))_

McStubble: "Roman butchers sent here by the First Citizen."

Kirk: "Do we look like any Romans you ever saw?"

_(((Ffff, he's got a point.)))_

Septimus: "And are you slaves, like ourselves?"

Kirk: "Our people don't believe in slavery."

McStubble: "Roman lie!"

_(((And those are the most _sinister_ lies of all.)))_

McStubble: "We _must _kill them."

_(((Someone needs to take the How to Play Well With Others course again.)))_

Spock says they're only here to look for friends who were stranded here years ago, but Septimus has no idea what he's talking about.

McStubble: "Septimus, I know killing is wrong but sometimes it's necessary."

_(((We're talking about _missing people_ now, Leggy, get off the homicidal impulses for TWO SECONDS and pay attention.)))_

Septimus: "No."

McStubble: "But they've located us,-"

_(((After we shot at them!)))_

McStubble: "our hiding place!"

_(((After we led them to it!)))_

McStubble: "Better to kill a few of them than all of us!"

_(((If he wasn't holding a gun he'd be armflailing at this point.)))_

Kirk: "Wait, I can prove we're telling the truth."

Kirk whips out his…communicator, contacts Scotty, has him establish that there are twelve people in the area they're standing in, and puts the communicator away. He explains that the Enterprise is their ship at "sea" and that's all the info he can give right now so if they're not satisfied then kill away.

Septimus: "Tell me the Empire has a device like that, Flavius, and you may kill them. Otherwise, accept them as friends."

Flavius has no response, so they all head inside.

_(((No blood of the innocent for joo.)))_

A Captain's Log catches up any latecomers to the show, establishing that they've befriended cave-dwelling slaves on the outskirts of a larger city. He even mentions Hotchkin's Law of parallel planet development to cover the show's convenient butt.

_(((Well played, Genes. Well played.)))_

Kirk tries to talk to Septimus about any strange visitors but ends up prompting the old man into a tiny moment of worship. Spock walks over with a magazine in hand.

Spock: "Captain, I thought you might find this interesting."

On the cover is a half naked, muscular Roman solider.

_(((I know, I know, it was totally unintentional but…SNERK.)))_

Kirk flips through the magazine and notices that all the names of the ad products are planets. Jupiter 8, Neptune whatever, and such. Septimus says those are the names of false gods he used to worship, but when he became a brother of the sun the Romans made him a slave.

_(((And we're meant to get that this is, obviously, not a nice thing to do. People oppressed for their religious beliefs is a bad thing? I do believe there's a moral to this story.)))_

Kirk asks for Septimus' help to get into the city so they can find Merik, the guy they saw on the T.V. broadcast earlier. Septimus recognizes Merik's name, and not in a 'oh _that_ lovely fellow' kind of way. The atmosphere in the room changes and the Drama Music kicks in.

Flavius says that 'Mericus' is First Citizen, and a butcher. A quick question from Spock reveals that it has to be the same guy, even if it doesn't sound like the kind of person they know Merik to be.

Kirk Tells Septimus about the Prime Directive, and that if Merik and Mericus are the same guy then Merik has violated the directive and must be punished so don't kill us we want to rid you of your dictator, 'kay?

Septimus and the other slaves go off to have a chat, leaving the BAMF Trio all alone.

_(((Except for the random woman sitting in a chair to the back. I think she missed her cue.)))_

Kirk points out that Merik is hardly the bloodthirsty dictator type, McCoy wonders why the slaves worship the sun when the Romans never did (thus being the only thing that doesn't parallel ancient Rome) and oh look the slaves are done with their confab.

Septimus says that Flavius will take them into the city after they're given proper clothes, and then it cuts to the outdoors where the cameraman has evidently fallen down.

They walk along for a bit and then crouch down behind some trees.

_(((Spock is wearing a little wool cap._

_Spock. In a wool cap._

_Hee.)))_

Flavius chats about how he used to be the biggest, baddest gladiator around.

Kirk: "Then you heard the word of the sun."

Flavius: "Yes, words of peace and freedom."

_(((Given his previous I CAN HAZ DETH attitude, I'm guessing he only has one of those two ideals down as of yet.)))_

Flavius: "It wasn't easy for me to believe. I was trained to fight."

_(((Which would explain the aforementioned I CAN HAZ DETH streak he seems to have.)))_

Flavius: "But the words, the words are true."

Kirk: "There are many things I'd like to know-"

GUNFIRE GUNFIRE MACHINE GUNS GUNFIRE!

_(((Request for information denied, apparently.)))_

In .6 of a second they're captured by the police, whom Flavius tries to attack.

_(((Seriously, Leggy, the peace bit needs some work.)))_

One of the cops de-hats Spock.

Cop: "Not slaves, barbarians!"

_(((The hell kind of barbarians do they have on this planet?)))_

Back from commercial, where the BAMF Trio plus Flavius are escorted to a prison cell.

Kirk (to Cop): "Tell Mericus I'd like to see him."

Cop: "The First Citizen? Why would he bother with arena bait like you?"

Kirk: "Tell him it's Jim Kirk, perhaps a friend."

Cop: "Perhaps?"

Kirk: "Well if I am a friend, and you don't tell him, do you really want to risk that?"

_(((Confident even in a prison cell. Yup, it's Kirk all right.)))_

Transition to later. McCoy is touching up Flavius' head wound while he chats with Kirk about slaves slowly gaining rights throughout history. Spock comments on how fascinating it is that slavery has developed into an institution almost like any other job.

McCoy: "Quite logical, I'd say, Mr. Spock."

Spock arches an annoyed eyebrow.

McCoy: "Just as it's logical that 20th century Rome would use television to show its gladiator contests or name a new car the Jupiter 8."

Spock: "If I were able to show emotion, your new infatuation with that term would begin to annoy me."

_(((This is _classic_ Spock denial. So good.)))_

Both Kirk and McCoy grin slightly.

_(((Uh oh, Kirk and McCoy think it's a good time to play Tease the Vulcan.)))_

McCoy: "What term, logic? Medical men are trained in logic, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "Really, doctor? I had no idea they were trained. Watching you I assumed it was trial and error."

_(((OOOO SPOCK BURN.)))_

_(((McCoy – 2, Spock – 1_

_A comeback, perhaps?)))_

Flavius (to Kirk): "Are they enemies, captain?"

Kirk: "I'm not sure _they're_ sure."

_(((Haaaa, ain't that the fucking truth. _

_Spock and McCoy have a constant "Are we friends or enemies?" struggle going on, which makes perfect sense since McCoy represents emotion and Spock represents logic. The whole point of that parallel is to illustrate how our logic and emotion mostly battle and seldom agrees on anything, and it's executed brilliantly well.)))_

More exposition reveals that the slaves went from being content to restless when they started worshipping the sun and were promptly punished for doing so.

Enter the police once again. They open the cell.

Cop: "Flavius, your friends are waiting for you. You've already been matched for the morning games. Come."

Flavius: "I will not fight. I'm a brother of the sun."

Cop: "Put a sword in your hand and you'll fight. I know you, Flavius, you're as peaceful as a bull."

Flavius reluctantly goes with a couple of guards.

_(((Poor Leggy, trying to change while the rest of the world insists he stay the same. Anyone who's ever tried to make their life different or better can identify with that in spades.)))_

The cop then demands the Trio come with them.

Kirk (soft): "Three against three, we may never have a better chance."

Cop: "No talking! Outside!"

Kirk looks pointedly at McCoy.

Kirk: "I doubt he'll get very far, he feels ill."

McCoy: "I do?"

_(((McCoy. Love.)))_

Cop: "Outside!"

Kirk: "Okay, but he'll _double over_ before we get very far."

_(((This is somewhere between smooth and obvious, and is therefore hilarious. XD)))_

McCoy gets it now.

McCoy: "Oh, I think I can walk. I'll try."

He gets two steps before doubling over and, before you know it, punches and Vulcan nerve pinches are flying everywhere. They defeat the guards, Spock's got a short sword, and they make to dash out of the cell.

Merik: "Well done, Jim."

_(((Whups.)))_

Next thing you know, they're surrounded by guards. Merik and a random guy stand down the hall.

_(((The random guy, by the way, is watching things in a very leery, molesty way.)))_

Merik: "I'm afraid it isn't that easy. They've been handling slaves here for two thousand years."

Leery Molesty: "But it _was_ exciting. They'd do well in the arena."

Kirk: "Captain Merik?"

Merik: "Yes, it's me. This is our proconsul, Claudius Marcus."

_(((…nah, I'll stick with Leery Molesty.)))_

Everyone agrees that there's a lot to explain.

_(((Ye Olde Duh.)))_

Kirk gives him narrow-eyed look and Merik is like 'Hey hey HEY, no judgy faces until you know everything and oh by the way Leery knows who and what we are."

_(((Prime Directive, Schmime Directive.)))_

Our boys are taken to a room where bad taste and a handful of animals went to die. The guards are dismissed and Merik calls for a celebration of old friends meeting again.

_((('Cause running into an ol' pal who makes slaves fight and die for entertainment just makes me wanna PARTY.)))_

Leery leans on a chair and checks out Spock.

Leery Molesty: "So…this is a Vulcan. Interesting."

_(((Aaaaaand everyone suddenly needs a shower.)))_

Leery Molesty: "From what I've heard, I wish I had fifty of you for the arena."

Merik says hi to McCoy and then all sit down for snack time. Leery makes some food recommendations and then comments on the woman offering them.

Leery Molesty: "Lovely, isn't she?"

_(((That is a ROMAN LIE. Her wig is pretty bad.)))_

Kirk kind of looks at him, doesn't take any food, folds his hands, and looks over at Merik.

_(((He does not, however, even so much as glance at the girl.)))_

Kirk: "All right, what happened?"

_(((Drop dead zero interest in a female? 'Tis true, there are more important matters at hand, but from the way some people talk about Kirk and the ladies you'd think he'd at least get in a quick eyesex before advancing the plot. Instead he doesn't even look at her, period. Hm.)))_

Merik explains that his ship was damaged and when they came ashore he met Leery, who convinced him that sharing the knowledge of this planet with the universe would be unfair…or something. Merik, obviously, wound up staying put.

Kirk: "What about your crew? Did they voluntarily beam- come ashore?"

_(((Since Leery knows, I'm guessing the correction was an automatic response.)))_

Merik: "This is an ordered world, Jim. A conservative world based on time honored Roman strengths and virtues."

Kirk: "_What happened to your crew_?"

Merik: "There's been no war here for over four hundred years, Jim. Can, let's say, your land of that same era make that same boast?"

Kirk most certainly does not have a happy.

Merik: "I think you can see why they don't want to have their stability contaminated by dangerous ideas of other ways and other places."

Spock: "Interesting and, given a conservative empire, quite understandable."

McCoy: "Are you out of your head?"

Spock: "I said I understood it, doctor. I find the checks and balances of this civilization quite illuminating."

_(((Leery, you need to stop holding your cup like that before you give me nightmares. How on earth can you be so naturally CREEPY?)))_

McCoy: "Next he'll be telling us he prefers it over Earth history."

Spock: "They do seem to have escaped the carnage of your first three World Wars."

McCoy: "They have slavery, gladiatorial games, despotism-"

Spock: "Situations quite familiar to the six million who died in your first World War, the eleven million who died in your second, and the thirty-seven million who died in your third, shall I go on?"

_(((This debate pretty much does all the talking for me in terms of this society compared to ours, except for one thing: In both worlds, tons of people die from violence. Does how or why they die really matter? And, therefore, is one way any better than the other? _

_I'm not saying one way or another, I'm just pointing it out._

_I went on a date once with a guy who laughed when I called Star Trek a smart show. I laughed right back at him. Loudly.)))_

Leery: "Interesting. And you, Captain? Which world do you prefer?"

Kirk: "My world, proconsul, is my vessel, my oath, my crew."

He turns to Merik and emphatically demands to know what happened to his crew.

Merik: "Those who were able to adapt to this world are still alive. Those who couldn't adapt are dead. That's the way is with life everywhere, isn't it?"

_(((I have to admit…he's got a point.)))_

Kirk: "You sent your own men into the arena?"

_(((Oh whoa, adapting is one thing, but sending them to the gladiator games? Asshole just got his point revoked.)))_

Merik: "Just as I did, Jim, you're going to order your own people ashore."

_(((HAAAAAAA, that'll be the fucking DAY.)))_

McCoy gets understandably huffy, but Leery knows that such a maneuver is possible, say, when done in small groups? Leery takes out a communicator and offers it to Kirk, who has the greatest "What the fuck are you on, I ain't doing SHIT" expression anyone has ever seen.

Leery tells Kirk to give the order and Merik says that he might as well.

Kirk: "Do you really believe I can be made to order my own people down?"

_(((Aha, and BAMF Kirk comes out to play.)))_

Leery: "I believe, Captain, that you would do almost anything rather than see these two dear friends put slowly to death."

Kirk looks at Spock and McCoy, but he doesn't break a sweat. He takes the communicator and flips it open.

McCoy: "Jim…"

Kirk just smiles.

_(((This is too good.)))_

Kirk: "Kirk to Enterprise."

Scotty: "Bridge. Scott here."

Kirk: "Scotty, if you have a fix…"

A bunch of guys with guns stand around Kirk, practically poking him with the gun barrels. Kirk gets a "welp, that didn't work" look on his face.

Kirk: "Stand by, Scotty."

Leery: "Very wise of you, Captain. No point in sending up bullet-ridden corpses."

Kirk: "Yet, on the other hand, my Chief Engineer is standing by for a message."

_(((Plan A fails, and does he sweat? Hell naw. He's a gorram Captain, for crying out loud.)))_

Leery: "I hope so, for your sake. Now, Captain, _what are you going to order your men to do_?"

_(((Well he ain't gonna Roman lie to them, that's for damn sure.)))_

Kirk stares at him, grinning.

Kirk: "If I brought down a hundred of them armed with phasers…"

Leery: "You could probably defeat the combined armies of our entire Empire, and violate your oath regarding non-interference with other societies."

_(((Kirk seems to be buying time so he can think up a quick Plan B.)))_

Spock confirms that they would die before violating the Prime Directive, and McCoy gets huffy at the Vulcan for being so damned straightforward. Leery points out that, hell, the Enterprise alone could wipe everything off the face of the planet if it weren't for that pesky Directive, and so it all comes down to Kirk.

Merik: "Jim, you've already started the message, your engineer is waiting, what are you going to do?"

Kirk flips open the communicator once again, only regarding the guns pointed at his head for a moment.

_(((Subtle BAMF Kirk is just as awesome as Action BAMF Kirk, if you ask me.)))_

Kirk: "Scotty, sorry to keep you waiting."

Scotty: "We were becoming concerned, Captain, you were a bit overdue."

Leery: "Order your officers to come down."

The moment. It is tense.

Kirk: "Condition green, all's well, Kirk out."

_(((FUCK YEAH, Kirk, you DEFY that creepy bitch!)))_

Leery has them all taken away to be prepared for the games, and commercial!

Back from the ads, where Scotty is giving a Captain's Log.

Scotty: "Captain Kirk and his landing party have checked in, but they have used the code term 'condition green,' which means they're in trouble…but it also prohibits me taking any action."

_(((That's one hell of a specific code term. Still plausible, though.)))_

Scotty tells Chekov to check the planet for main power sources and how much power it would take to overload them.

Chekov: "That may take some time."

Scotty: "Let it take time, lad. They're in trouble and I'm under orders not to interfere. However, no order can stop me from frightening them. May do no good, but it may suggest to someone just what a starship can really do."

He grins.

Scotty: "…aye."

_(((Scotty, don't you ever, ever change. Seriously. I love you.)))_

Meanwhile, back on the planet, we see a T.V. crew set up around the backdrop for the gladiator games called Name the Winner. Kirk, Leery, and Merik enter and take seats up on a little sitting area. Spock and McCoy enter the arena with swords and plasti- I mean completely real looking shields.

_(((Yay 60s.)))_

The host introduces their opponents, Achilles and…oh my it's Flavius!

_(((Naming the other gladiator 'Achilles' is one of the less subtle references to classic studies in this show. _

_Achilles was also one half of the infamous Achilles and Patroclus duo, whom we now assume were lovers. They inspired Alexander the Great and Hephaestion in their romance, which in turn inspired Roddenberry for the characters of Kirk and Spock._

_Make of that what you will.)))_

Host: "Victory…or death?"

_(((What, no 'cake' option? Eddie Izzard would not be happy about this.)))_

_(((Also, the dials for 'Applause,' 'Boos' and such crack me the fuck up.)))_

The fight begins, and Spock defends himself while poor McCoy is up a creek.

_(((I'm a doctor, not a gladiator!_

…_.couldn't resist.)))_

Spock (to Achilles): "I do not want to injure you!"

He hits the guy with his shield.

_(((Makes me laugh every. time.)))_

Flavius hesitates to fight McCoy because friends are awesome, but after getting whipped by an official standing off to the side he's forced to take action.

Kirk leans towards Leery.

Leery: "Question, Captain?"

Kirk: "The rules. If Spock should finish his man off first, will he be able to help-"

Leery: "We believe men should fight their own battles."

_(((Well. Fuck.)))_

Blah blah, Kirk still won't order his crew down, blah blah, Merik's a pussy, blah blah, Romans have been desensitized to death, blah blah, the fight continues. Someone turns the 'Boo' dial up a notch and Flavius gets whipped again.

Flavius: "At least defend yourself!"

McCoy: "I AM defending myself!"

_(((Complete with an armflail. There are no words. XD)))_

Leery: "Admit it: You find these games frightening, revolting."

Kirk simply laughs.

_(((We know he's worried about Spock and McCoy, we've seen his face, but ohhhh no, he won't let Leery get to him that easily.)))_

Kirk: "Proconsul, in some parts of the galaxy I have seen forms of Entertainment that makes this look like a folk dance."

_(((Burnnnnn.)))_

Leery: "Those are your men dying out there, not strangers!"

Kirk: "I've had to select men to die before so that others can be saved."

_(((He's tooootally playing the Cavalier card. He's doing it damn well, too.)))_

Leery tries to call him on his bullshit, but Merik reminds him that Kirk ain't your regular Captain, he's a Starship Captain, thank you very much, so the badassery is all too real.

Spock continues to fight, while McCoy continues to not die.

Spock: "Do you need any help, doctor?"

McCoy: "_Whatever gave you that idea_? Of all the completely ridiculous, illogical questions I ever heard in my life!"

_(((Stressed McCoy is stressed. And hilarious.)))_

McCoy goes down. Kirk moves to help, but gets restrained. Spock takes down Achilles, then says 'fuck it' and nerve pinches Flavius. Uh oh, cheating! The fight is brought to a screeching halt. Leery has them thrown back in their cell.

Leery: "It won't go that easily for them, Captain, or for you. Take him to my quarters."

Kirk arrives in the gaudy room from before, and his defenses are up. The blonde chick appears in what can only be described as ¾ of a shiny dress.

Wig Woman: "I was told to wait for you."

Kirk is surprised.

_(((And not "Oh look, another female for me to penetrate" surprised, but "what the hell is going on" surprised._

_And really, this is damn odd. Leery promises it won't be easy for him, so he sends a hot chick to fawn all over him? Kind of a weird punishment for an assumed ladies man. _

_Curiouser and curiouser…)))_

Wig Woman: "White wine, food, whatever you wish. I'm Proconsul's slave, Drusilla."

_(((Leery's sex slave. What a comforting thought. Pardon me while I hurl.)))_

Drusilla: "Though for this evening…"

Kirk's brow furrows.

_(((Translation: 'Though for this evening' WHAT?)))_

Drusilla: "For this evening I was told I am your slave."

_(((Ewwwwwwwwww)))_

Drusilla: "Command me."

_(((….okay, so that was kinda hot.)))_

Kirk gets a slight twitch of a grin then looks around to make sure nobody's sneaking up behind him or whatever.

_(((And there's the first sign of any interest.)))_

He walks over to her.

Kirk: "It won't work."

Drusilla: "What won't work?"

Kirk: "Whatever he has in mind, whatever tricks…you hear that, Proconsul? It won't work! I'm not cooperating! I may die, but you won't get any entertainment out of it!"

_(((Throwing a woman at him won't work? Like that's a form of torture or something? What exactly does Kirk stand to lose from nailing this chick? Did they make some kind of agreement where if Kirk bones anything while he's here he forfeits his crew? _

_The hell is going on?)))_

_(((Also, Drusilla was sent with specific goal of seducing him. Kirk isn't the predator here. Just a little something to keep in mind.)))_

Drusilla touches him on the shoulder.

Drusilla: "We're alone. Please believe me. I've never lied to one who owns me."

_(((Honey needs to get liberated. Srsly.)))_

Cut to Spock and McCoy in their cell. Spock is gripping the bars, trying to…push them? Pull them? One of the two. McCoy watches, smiles (very) slightly.

_(((McCoy knows exactly what Spock is doing and, more importantly, _why_. Keep that in mind, 'cause your mind is about be BLOWN.)))_

Spock yanks on the bars, perturbed.

McCoy: "Angry, Mr. Spock? Or frustrated, perhaps?"

Spock: "Such emotions are foreign to me, doctor. I'm merely testing the strength of the door."

McCoy fights back a smile, nods.

McCoy: "For the fifteenth time."

_(((Just what exactly do you know, McCoy?)))_

Spock starts feeling around where the bars meet the wall.

McCoy: "Spock."

McCoy walks up to him.

_(((He's not smiling anymore. This is a different beat of the scene. What he was smiling about and what he's serious about now are two different things.)))_

McCoy: "Spock, I know we've had our disagreements. Maybe they're jokes, I don't know. As Jim says, we're not often sure ourselves sometimes, but what I'm trying to say is-"

Spock: "Doctor, I am seeking a means of escape. Will you please be brief?"

McCoy: "Well, what I'm trying to say is that you saved my life in the arena."

Spock: "Yes, that's quite true."

McCoy: "I'm trying to thank you, you pointed-eared hobgoblin!"

_(((Well the warm fuzzies didn't last very long, did it?)))_

Spock: "Oh, yes, you humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. You're welcome, I believe, is the correct response."

Spock crosses to check out the bars on the other side of the cell.

Spock: "However, doctor, you must remember that I am entirely motivated by logic."

He starts crouching down, testing the bars.

Spock: "The loss of our ship's surgeon, whatever I may think of his relative skill, would mean a reduction in the efficiency of the Enterprise-"

McCoy pushes him up against the wall.

McCoy: "Do you know why you're not afraid to die, Spock? You're more afraid of living."

_(((Oh shit._

_McCoy -3, Spock - 1)))_

McCoy: "Each day you stay alive is just one more day you might slip and let your human half peek out."

_(((McCoy – 4, Spock – 1)))_

Spock looks away. McCoy grins slightly.

McCoy: "That's it, isn't it? Insecurity. Why, you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine warm, decent feeling."

Spock stares off, contemplating. Solemn. Finally, he turns to McCoy.

Spock: "Really, doctor?"

_(((HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.)))_

_(((McCoy – 4, Spock – 4._

_Yes, that earned him three points.)))_

McCoy softens a little.

McCoy: "I know…I'm worried about Jim too."

Spock looks away again, with even more inner struggle than before.

_(((Okay, now that we've looked at the text, let's backtrack and dismantle this thing:_

_-McCoy is watching Spock test the bars. The look on his face is clear, he knows why Spock is so stressed and frustrated, but we're not let in on Spock's motivation until the end: Spock wants to get out so he can help Kirk, because he's both worried and has "warm feelings" for him. McCoy hints at this with his expression and lines like "fifteen times" and such._

_-McCoy approaches Spock, not to talk about Kirk, but to thank him for saving his life. Spock ends up being a bit of a bitch, insisting that he did it for logical reasons and that he doesn't feel any emotion whatsoever. This behavior is pretty typical since Spock is known to get cold and bitchy whenever he's frustrated or under a particular amount of stress._

_-McCoy gets fed up, pushes him up against the wall and calls him on his bullshit. His first theory is dead on, as we can see by Spock's completely guilt-ridden face. Every waking moment is torture for Spock because he's constantly trying to keep his human half concealed. Look at Spock during this part, he knows he's been caught._

_-McCoy's second accusation, however, misses the mark. "You wouldn't know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling." Spock is looking away at this point, and he knows there's only one way to win this argument, and that's to bring up his feelings for Kirk. The huge shocker here is that he fucking __**does**__. First he takes a breath, which is extremely important. It's there for a reason, to serve as a "Here we go," a "he already knows anyway so I might as well say it out loud," a "Fuck it." That inhale is him accepting his decision to admit his feelings out loud. "Really, doctor?" is all he needs to say. _

_As in, 'Really? I don't know anything about genuine feelings? What about my feelings for Kirk?' That last part might sound like speculation, but wait. There's more._

_-Then we see McCoy's reaction. He deflates a little, he realizes that he's wrong. 'Of course Spock feels, just look at how much he feels for Kirk! Why, thirty seconds ago I was smiling because I knew exactly why he was so anxious to get out!' Which is why the next line is… _

_-"I know, I'm worried about Jim too." This is how we know for a fact that Spock's "Really, doctor?" was a direct reference to his feelings for Kirk. I mean hello, McCoy's response is perfectly clear._

That's_ what seals the deal. _

That's_ how we know the full extent of the subtext for the line "Really, doctor?"_

_And __**that's**__ how Spock finally admits, out loud, that he feels something for his Captain._

_-Not to mention McCoy's last line prompts one of the most torturous, pained expression we've ever seen Spock portray. He has feelings for Kirk and it's all but killing him. _

_Long story short (too late) the scene, cut down to the bare essentials, looks like this –_

_McCoy: "You can't feel!"_

_Spock: "Really?"_

_McCoy: "Oh yeah, Kirk. Nevermind."_

_And another thing, you know how I've been saying "feelings" during this scene breakdown? How did you interpret that? Romantic feelings? That's normally the connotation we attach to the word, and that's exactly why "warm feeling" and "simple feeling" are so beautifully perfect for their respective situations. It lets the Genes say it without saying it._

_Speaking of, as I said earlier, Gene Roddenberry and Gene Coon wrote this episode. _

_It shouldn't be a surprise, not many people can write something like this with such extremely careful ambiguity and pull it off so fucking well. _

_It's worth noting that the dissection of this scene took no great leaps of logic. In fact, it was embarrassingly straightforward. It was like looking at a picture of a smiling man and describing him as "happy." No joke._

_My brain reeled so hard it almost killed my cat. The moose in the living room didn't come out unscathed either. _

_There's no getting around this one. Spock admitted his feelings for Kirk. Out loud. _

_This is as canon as it gets.)))_

And what do we get right after the scene where Spock admits his feelings for Kirk? Why, a hetero love scene of course!

_(((Look! A man and a woman are flirting! Pay no attention to the gays behind the curtain! Nothing to penis here! I mean see! SEE!)))_

_(((Really now, it's the oldest trick in the How-to-Distract-the-Censors book. Which, of course, was written by the Genes.)))_

Kirk and Drusilla are sitting next to each other while they eat and drink. Kirk approves of the food and smiles at her.

Drusilla: "I was concerned. I'm ordered to please you."

_(((::tugs at collar:: Is anyone else slightly uncomfortable about all this?)))_

Kirk: "I've been in some strange worlds with some strange customs. Perhaps this is considered torture here."

_(((THANK YOU for noticing the oddness in the situation, Kirk. Makes me feel better.)))_

Drusilla leans in.

Drusilla: "Torture? I do not understand. I do not wish to see you tortured in any way."

She kisses him lightly.

Drusilla: "At the first sign of pain, you will tell me?"

_(((Aaaaand everybody simultaneously thinks about S&M.)))_

Kirk: "You'll be the first to know."

They suck face.

The camera pans upward.

You know the drill.

Transition to later, where we find Kirk lying in bed with his clothes on. Leery pops in to wake him and have him come sit down. Kirk glances at the bed as he stands up.

_(((On top the covers, no less. Did they have sex? Did the Captain get out-Sexy Pantsed? The glance would say yes, because he definitely looked like he was surprised to find no one there, but the bed was perfectly made. I think they probably had sex and the 60s kept them from giving us a clear signal._

_For those who would like to cite this as anti-K/S evidence, it doesn't hold up. First of all, bisexuality exists. Second of all, Kirk and Spock are _not_ a couple at this point. Sure, there's tension five ways from Sunday, but they are by no means officially together so you can't cry 'infidelity.' _

_As for Kirk's motivation: Personally, I'd like to think he wouldn't take advantage of a _sex slave_, but considering that she was sent for the sole purpose of seduction I'm thinking he was the one who was taken advantage of…at least a little._

_What makes it heartbreaking is that Spock literally confessed his feelings right as Kirk was with someone else. Ow, my heart. )))_

Leery: "So far on this planet we've kept you rather busy. I don't wonder you slept through the afternoon. By the way, one of the communicators we took from you is missing. Was it my pretty Drusilla, by any chance?"

Merik enters.

Leery: "See if he has it."

Merik searches Kirk.

Leery: "Not that I would have punished her. I would have blamed you. You're a Roman, Kirk, or you should have been."

_(((AHA! Looks like someone's heard about Kirk's tendency to use sex as a means to an end. I haven't been bullshitting you this entire time, it really is a highly used method of his, and now there's an explicit line of text to back me up…even though we've watched Kirk do it several times now ala _Catspaw_ ))) _

Merik finds nothing on Kirk.

Leery: "It's not on his person?"

_(((Yes it is, along with a sword and a bagel. _

_You were __**two feet away**__ when I frisked him!)))_

Kirk demands an explanation, and Leery tells Merik to GTFO so the big boys can talk. He leaves.

Leery: "Because you're a man I gave you some last hours as a man."

_(((OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so Drusilla was a last meal of sorts? That makes sooooooo much more sense, and it still means she was sent to seduce)))_

Kirk: "I appreciate that."

_(((Awkward much, Kirk? But then, he has plenty to feel awkward about, so…)))_

Leery says he like totally respects Kirk now so his death will be nice and quick, and the same goes for Spock and McCoy.

_(((What a sweetheart?)))_

Kirk is then escorted to the arena for a nice afternoon of death.

Meanwhile, Scotty is ready to overload the city's main power source.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Kirk is about to be executed.

Leery: "Make it a quick, single thrust!"

_(((Pause the impalement, I have to go get my mind out of the gutter.))) _

Just before Kirk is penetrated _(((on purpose, not ashamed)))_,it's Flavius to the rescue!

_(((Yay!)))_

And then he's showered with bullets!

_(((Not yay!)))_

And then Scotty has the Enterprise cause a blackout in the city, letting Kirk begin his escape!

_(((Yay!)))_

Kirk grabs a gun and runs off. He finds Spock and McCoy in their cell, shoots the door, and opens it.

McCoy: "What happened, Jim?"

Spock: "What did they do to you, Captain?"

Kirk: "They…threw me a few curves, no time to explain."

_(((Perfect Shatner delivery is perfect.)))_

A bunch of guards (plus Leery and Merik) pop in and wind up using swords instead of guns because the script says so.

_(((Leery says something about the guards being in each other's line of fire, but…nah. They just wanted to make a point.)))_

Everybody fights, Leery stabs Merik in the back (literally), Merik throws the communicator he stole into the cell, and the BAMF Trio beams up. Safe at last.

Later, on the bridge, Kirk makes a note that Scotty upheld the Prime Directive, the blackout saved them all somehow, and blah blah. Scotty thanks him and leaves just as Kirk and McCoy enter. McCoy says he's sorry Flavius died, Spock wonders how a sun worshipper develops a sense of brotherhood, and Uhura chimes in to be awesome.

Uhura: "I'm afraid you have it all wrong, Mr. Spock, all of you. I've been monitoring some of their old style radio waves. The empire spokesman tried to ridicule their religion, but he couldn't. Don't you understand? It's not the sun up in the sky, it's the son of God."

Everyone takes a moment to whoa about the new information.

_(((This twist was done really well, actually. If you go back and look at the dialogue, the wordplay is deceptive enough to trick the viewer into assuming everyone means 'sun,' but it also holds up when the word is changed to 'son.' "I'm a child of the son (of God)."_

_Cleverness. The writers has it.)))_

Kirk: "Caesar _and_ Christ, they had them both and the word is spreading only now."

McCoy: "Philosophy of total love and total brotherhood."

Spock: "It will replace their imperial Rome, but it will happen in the 20th century."

_(((Oooo, that's an interesting twist in an alternate Earth history.)))_

Kirk: "Wouldn't it be something to watch, to be a part of? To see it happen all over again."

Kirk snaps out of it and orders Chekov to go ahead and leave orbit.

_(((Hm, this is interesting. Roddenberry was an atheist, and I'm pretty sure he was against religion, so I wonder if this pro-Christian ending was Coon's influence. The episode itself is well balanced between the two, Roddenberry liked messages and Coon liked action, so the notion is realistic. Or maybe Roddenberry just knew that he'd have to do a little pandering to make a demographic happy. It's up for speculation.)))_

End of episode!

* * *

**The Roman Score:**

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 22

Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 11

Times Spock is injured – 7

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 6

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 5

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 5

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

**Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 4**

**Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 4**

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

Times Kirk is injured – 3

Times a disease threatens the crew – 3

Times Immortality is Found – 3

**Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2.5**

Times Spock uses the Vulcan hand sign – 2

Times Someone Says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

Pointless Rolls – 2

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 2

**Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 2**

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1

Next Episode: Journey to Babel


	44. 2x15 Journey to Babel

**Season Two, Episode Fifteen: Journey to Babel**

We kick things off in the captain's quarters. While Kirk is busy making himself look dapper as fuck, McCoy is less than thrilled with their formal wear.

McCoy: "Dress uniforms…spit and polish…I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stand this. Feel like my neck's in a sling."

Kirk turns around like he's actually expecting McCoy's neck to be in said sling.

_(((It's a euphemism, baby, they have those in the 23rd century.)))_

Kirk: "The Vulcans are the last delegates we have to pick up. As soon as we get them aboard we'll be able to relax."

They head out into the hall like the GQMFs they are.

McCoy: "Sure. Formal reception tonight, 114 delegates on board for two weeks, 32 of them ambassadors, half of them mad at the other half and the whole lot touchier than a dhsldjskdl."

_(((Ahem, sorry. McCoy mumbled right at the end of his snarky exposition.)))_

During McCoy's grumbling, Spock has fallen into step with the two, and Kirk finds uncomfortable!McCoy hilarious.

An intercom tweets, and Kirk answers it.

Chekov: "Shuttle craft approaching with Ambassador Sarek, estimated arrival one minute."

Kirk: "Bring him aboard, Mr. Chekov."

The BAMF Trio head down the hall while a small piece of gray cardboard bounces across a black background full of little spots. In layman's terms: The shuttlecraft is getting closer.

A herd of redshirts make sure they're zipped and tucked.

The shuttlecraft docks and the redshirt herd heads out to make a line. Kirk follows while Spock and McCoy hang back at the door.

McCoy: "How does that Vulcan salute go?"

Spock demonstrates.

_(((::waves pompoms:: )))_

McCoy tries to do the salute and fails miserably.

McCoy: "That hurts worse than the uniform."

_(((Someone get this man a rimshot.)))_

Sarek climbs out of the shuttle and walks over to Kirk, who introduces himself.

Kirk leads Sarek over to Spock and McCoy.

Kirk: "My first officer, Commander Spock."

Spock: "Vulcan honors us with your presence. We come to serve."

Sarek: "Your –_insert something here because MUMBLER– _honors us, captain."

Kirk: "Thank you. Chief Medical Officer, Dr. McCoy."

Sarek and McCoy nod and say hello. Sarek throws up a salute and McCoy goes to return it but very quickly realizes that he can't.

_(((McCoy. 3)))_

Kirk leads everyone a little further in.

Sarek: "My aid and she who is my wife."

Sarek waits with two fingers held out as a woman enters, lifting her veil and touching her fingers to his.

_(((This gesture is the very first appearance of a Vulcan kiss. The way it's seen here is the chaste, polite version.)))_

Kirk and the wife exchange hellos.

Kirk: "As soon as you're settled I'll arrange a tour of the ship. Mr. Spock will conduct you."

Sarek: "I would prefer another guide, captain."

_(((Hey now, don't go disrespecting Spock. ::puffs up:: )))_

Everyone, including the music, takes a moment to be awkwardly confused.

Kirk: "As you wish."

Kirk looks over at Spock, who merely glances downward.

_(((Uh oh, I dare say Spock looks ashamed. Can't even look Kirk in the eye. The eff?)))_

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, we leave orbit in two hours. Would you care to beam down and visit your parents?"

Spock doesn't respond for a second.

Spock: "Captain, Ambassador Sarek and his wife _are _my parents."

_(((…insert Foot A into Mouth B, chew thoroughly, and swallow.)))_

Sarek's wife is peachy keen.

Kirk is LOLWHUT?

Sarek is fresh out of fucks to give.

Spock is five years old and just knocked over mommy's favorite vase.

_(((Someone start the titles before we all die of awkward.)))_

TITLES!

_(((This episode's writer is D.C. Fontana of _This Side of Paradise_, _Tomorrow is Yesterday_, _Friday's Child_, and _The Enterprise Incident_ fame (plus she was a script consultant for two or three dozen episodes, including all of the slashy milestones and then some. The director is Joseph Pevney, whom you should be rather familiar with now since his episodes include _The Devil in The Dark_,_ City on the Edge of Forever_,_ Amok Time_,_ The Apple_,_ Catspaw_,_ The Deadly Years_,_ The Trouble with Tribbles…_need I go on?_

_Oh are we ever among friends…)))_

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3842.3: We have departed Vulcan for the neutral planetoid codenamed Babel. Since it is in our sector, the Enterprise has been assigned to transport ambassadors of Federation planets to this vitally important council. The issues of the council are politically complex. The passengers, explosive."

During all of this, Kirk leads Sarek and Amanda (Sarek's wife) on a tour through the ship and into engineering, where Spock is sitting at a station by the door. As Spock stands, Sarek passes right by without so much as a glance.

_(((Damn, dad. That's cold.)))_

Kirk: "This is the engineering section. There are a number of emergency back up systems and main control. Over here are a number of control computers…"

Kirk and Sarek wander across the room while Amanda hangs back with Spock.

Amanda: "After all these years among humans, you still haven't learned to smile."

_(((Oh, honey, you should see him around Kirk. Lights up like a damn pointy eared Christmas tree, he does.)))_

Spock: "Humans smile with so little provocation."

_(((Therefore I only smile when Kirk is being _really_ cute, as opposed to his regular amount of cuteness.)))_

_(((But no really, if that's how Spock views humans smiling, then his smiles must be damn important. _

_Fascinating.)))_

Amanda: "And you haven't come to see us in four years, either."

_(((YOU DON'T CALL, YOU DON'T WRITE, I SUPPOSE YOUR MOTHER'S NOT AS EXCITING AS STARFLEET, HM?)))_

_(((She's actually being very sweet about the whole thing, but Spock is still getting the "Would it kill you to call your mother" speech.)))_

Spock: "The situation between my father and myself has not changed."

Sarek: "My wife, attend."

Sarek holds out his hand, and she crosses the room to touch fingertips. Spock doesn't follow, even makes a move to leave, but Kirk has other ideas.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, a moment if you please."

Spock: "Yes, Captain?"

Kirk: "Explain the computer components."

_(((Translation: TALK TO YOUR DAD.)))_

_(((Also, how adorable is it that Kirk is trying to get Spock and his dad to talk? HSjdjk.)))_

Spock and Sarek look at each other. The music finds this moment dramatic.

Sarek: "I gave Spock his first instruction in computers, Captain. He chose to devote his knowledge to Starfleet instead of the Vulcan Science Academy."

_(((…insert Foot C into Mouth B, chew thoroughly, and swallow.)))_

_(((Kirk is making the worst first impression on his future in-laws, I tell you what.)))_

Spock: "If you will excuse me, Captain."

_(((The room gets any colder and we'll need to bust out Sulu's miraculous blankets.)))_

Spock leaves.

Kirk: "I'm sorry, Ambassador. I did not mean to offend, I thought that-"

_(((I could get you two talking because apparently that's important to me.)))_

_(((It'd be important in a platonic friendship too, I'm just sayin'…)))_

Sarek: "Offense is a human emotion, captain. I'm returning to my quarters."

_(((To curse your name in my mother tongue._

_But I'm not offended.)))_

Sarek: "Continue, my wife."

Sarek leaves.

Kirk: "Mrs. Sarek, I just don't understand."

Amanda: "Amanda. I'm afraid you couldn't pronounce the Vulcan name."

Kirk: "Can you?"

Amanda: "Well, after a fashion and after many years of practice. Shall we continue the tour? My husband did request it."

Kirk: "Sounded more like a command."

_(((Kirk doesn't say that the way it reads, he's smiling a bit.)))_

Amanda: "Well of course, he's a Vulcan. I'm his wife."

_(((Amanda you are just so pleasantly happy and understanding. Let me love you bb.)))_

Kirk: "And Spock is his son."

Amanda: "You don't understand the Vulcan way, Captain. It's logical. It's a better way than ours, but it's not easy. It has kept Spock and Sarek from speaking as father and son for eighteen years."

Kirk: "Spock is my best officer…and my friend."

_(((::cough:: WE'VE SEEN THIS SUBTEXT BEFORE ::cough:: )))_

Amanda: "I'm glad he has such a friend. It hasn't been easy on Spock. Neither human, nor Vulcan. At home, nowhere…except Starfleet."

Kirk: "I take it that Spock disagreed with his father on a choice of career."

_(((Well that _is_ what Sarek said like half a minute ago, so.)))_

Amanda: "Captain, my husband has nothing against Starfleet, but Vulcans believe that peace should not depend on force."

Kirk: "Starfleet force is used only as a last resort. We're an instrument of civilization. And it's a better opportunity for a scientist to study the universe than he could get the Vulcan Science Academy."

_(((Ergo: Spock should be with me- I mean, Starfleet.)))_

Amanda: "Perhaps, but Sarek wanted Spock to follow his teachings as Sarek followed the teachings of his own father."

_(((This is basically a "My kid went to Princeton when I wanted him to go to Harvard like I did" argument…obviously.)))_

Kirk: "They're both stubborn."

Amanda: "A _human_ trait, captain?"

Kirk smiles fondly.

_(((This whole scene makes me go all mushy for a few different reasons:_

_1. The human married to a Vulcan and the human who is extremely close to a Vulcan are having a bonding moment._

_2. Kirk may not have won Sarek over, but he's in good with Amanda._

_**3. They just shared a moment of fondness over both of their Vulcans' tendency to deny any and all emotion despite evidence pointing to the contrary.**_

_4. Kill me.)))_

The intercom chirps and Kirk excuses himself.

Kirk: "Kirk here."

Uhura: "Captain, I've picked up some sort of signal. Just a few symbols, nothing intelligible."

Kirk: "Source?"

Uhura: "That's what bothers me, sir. Impossible to locate. There wasn't enough of it. Sensors show nothing in the area but it was a strong signal, as thought it was very close."

Kirk: "Go to alert status four, begin long range scanning. Kirk out."

Kirk: "Captain's Log, Stardate 3842.4: The interplanetary conference will consider the petition of the Korridan planets to be admitted to the Federation. The Korridan system has been claimed by some of the races now aboard our ship as delegates. Races who have strong, personal reasons for keeping Korridan out of the Federation. The most pressing problem aboard the Enterprise is to make sure that open warfare does not break out among the delegates before the conference begins."

There seems to be a sort of delegate mixer going on, where aliens are everywhere and overgrown Lucky Charms like to be displayed in a large bowl.

Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Sarek and Amanda are chatting.

McCoy: "Mr. Ambassador, I understand you had retired before this conference call. Forgive my curiosity, but as a doctor I'm interested in Vulcan physiology. Isn't it unusual for a Vulcan to retire at your age? After all, you're only 102."

Sarek: "102.437 precisely, Doctor, measured in your years."

Kirk smiles into his drink and throws a look Spock's way.

_(((He is so. tickled. by the similarities.)))_

Sarek: "I had other concerns."

Kirk calls Sarek away, but they're stopped by Pigs in Space.

_(((I'm sure their race has a name, but…you know…pigs.)))_

Garv: "Sarek of Vulcan, do you vote to admit Karridan to the Federation?"

Sarek: "The vote will not be taken here, Ambassador Garv. My governments instructions will be heard in the consul chambers on Babel."

Garv: "No, _you_. How do _you_ vote, Sarek of Vulcan?"

Clearly a Snork: "Why must you know?"

Garv: "In council, his vote carries others. I will know where he stands and why."

Sarek: "Tellurites do not argue for reasons, they simply argue."

_(((He's a Tellurite, eh?_

_Too bad, he's still a Pig in Space.)))_

Kirk politely intervenes and tells them in his own diplomatic way to STFU. The alien who's clearly a Snork asks if Sarek had previously met Garv. Sarek says he and Garv had debated once before, and Amanda coyly steps forward to say that Garv lost.

_(((Proud wife is proud.)))_

McCoy: "Spock, I always suspected that you were a little more human than you let on."

_(((Especially since I confronted you about it in a prison cell during the last episode, and you copped to having warm, decent feelings for Kirk.)))_

McCoy: "Mrs. Sarek, I know about the rigorous training of the Vulcan youth but tell me: Did he ever run and play like the human children? Even in secret?"

Amanda looks like she knows something wicked.

Spock simply stares back her.

_(((Translation: MOM PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING GOD MOM PLEASE I'LL CLEAN THE GARAGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE JUST DON'T EMBARRASS ME _PLEASE_.)))_

Amanda: "Well, he did have a pet selat he was very fond of."

McCoy: "Selat?"

Amanda: "Sort of a fat teddy bear."

McCoy brightens.

McCoy: "A _teddy bear_?"

_(((Mama Spock has just given blueprints to the Germans.)))_

Spock is stone faced.

_(((Translation: MAHHHM WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE ON THE BRIDGE AGAIN GAWD I AM SO RAGING ABOUT THIS IN MY DIARY LATER YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.)))_

Sarek and Amanda excuse themselves, leaving The BAMF Trio to their own devices.

McCoy moves in for the kill.

McCoy: "Teddy bear…"

Kirk looks up from his drink like "Wait, what?"

Spock: "Not precisely, doctor. On Vulcan the teddy bears are alive and they have six inch fangs."

_(((Translation: I AM STILL MANLY. RAWR.)))_

Kirk is amused even though he doesn't necessarily know why.

Chekov chimes in on the intercom and tells Kirk there's an unidentified something facing the ship.

Kirk and Spock arrive on the bridge. The thing hasn't been there long and they still don't know what it is.

Kirk: "Identification, Spock?"

Spock: "The sensors indicate the size of a scout ship, but the configuration is unfamiliar. Most unusual."

_(((Kirk, you can't expect me to be a mature adult when you stand behind Spock while he's bent over the scanner. _

_Really now, sir. _

_Really.)))_

Uhura hasn't gotten the thing on the line yet, and they still aren't registering any vessel in the area except the Enterprise.

Kirk: "Got a guess what she is?"

Spock: "Guess, Captain? I shall need more data for my estimate."

Kirk is tickled as fuck by Spock being all Spock-like.

_(((Kirk, it's serious business time right now. Keep your fondness in check for _two seconds_, my god.))_

Kirk asks Chekov to see the thing close up and sits in the captain's chair.

_(((How you sit is so freaking effeminate._

_I just._

_Too precious for this world.)))_

Cut to Sarek and Amanda in their room.

Sarek: "You embarrassed Spock this evening. Not even a mother may do that, he is a Vulcan."

Amanda: "He's also human."

Sarek: "He's a Starfleet officer."

Amanda: "I thought you didn't approve of Starfleet."

Sarek: "It is not a question of approval. The fact exists: he is in Starfleet and must command respect if he is to function."

Amanda: "Sarek…you're proud of him, aren't you? You're showing almost _human pride_ in your son."

_(((The human wife of a Vulcan is just as eager to get her husband to admit having emotions as Kirk is with Spock. _

_To be fair, McCoy teases Spock about emotions as well, but this episode is focused on Kirk's involvement with Spock's parents, not McCoy.)))_

Sarek: "It does not require pride to ask that Spock be given the respect he's due, not as my son but as Spock. Do you understand?"

_(((I understand your son and his captain have had countless conversations almost identical to this one, yes.)))_

Amanda: "Not really, but it doesn't matter. I love you anyway. I know…it's isn't 'logical.'"

They touch fingers.

_(((D'awwww)))_

Back at the bridge, the vessel is now moving towards the Enterprise, and Chekov arms the phasers.

The vessel flies right by them traveling at warp ten byt hangs around nearby. Uhura tells Kirk that Starfleet has gotten back to them and no other Federation vessels are in the quadrant, meaning whatever that Tinker Bell lookin' mofo was, it ain't from the Federation. Kirk orders a full analysis of the readings they have so far.

Back at the delegate mixer, Garv is hanging out when Sarek enters. Sarek slips a pill in his mouth and pours himself a drink to wash it down.

Garv: "Vulcan, I would speak to you."

Sarek: "It does seem unavoidable."

_(((Welp, now we know which one Spock gets his snark from.)))_

Sarek and Garv get into a debate about the whole Karridan thing: Sarek is in favor, Karridan has a crap ton of dilithium crystals but is under-populated which invites illegal mining, implications of Pigs and Space being the ones to do the aforementioned illegal mining, and oh look Garv makes a dive at him.

Sarek swats Garv into the wall with less effort than it would take to kill a fly and Kirk enters just in time to grab Garv before it gets any worse.

Kirk: "Whatever arguments you have between yourselves is your business. My business is running the ship and as long as I command there will. be. order."

Sarek: "Of course, captain."

Garv: "Understood."

Garv retreats and exits, but not before he invites another verbal shut down from Sarek.

Next thing you know, there's one less Pig in Space. Garv has oinked his last, dead as a doornail. A redshirt finds him and contacts Kirk to report it. Kirk answers half naked.

_(((WARN A GIRL, KIRK. _

_JESUS.)))_

Back from commercial and everyone is standing around McCoy as he inspects the body.

McCoy: "His neck was broken by an expert."

Kirk: "Explain."

_(((A gorilla mistook him for a side of bacon AN EXPERT BROKE HIS NECK WHAT MORE EXPLANATION DO YOU NEED?)))_

McCoy: "Well, from the nature and location of the break I'd say the killer knew exactly where to apply pressure to snap the neck instantly."

_(((So, this killer, he would have had to be some sort of…expert…yes?)))_

Kirk: "Who aboard would have that knowledge?"

Spock: "Vulcans."

_(((Whoa, Spock, you frightened the soundtrack there. Don't speak so suddenly, man.)))_

Evidently, the way his neck was broken was a particular Vulcan technique and Kirk is like 'Well you know I _did_ break up a fight between your dad and the dead pig' and McCoy is all 'Welp, Spock's daddy is the main suspect' and Spock goes 'Bitch please, like Vulcans kill without a good reason' but Kirk says 'What if your daddy like had a motive and shit?' to which Spock replies 'Oh then yeah he'd totes be a _great_ killer.'

The BAMF Trio pop into Sarek and Amanda's quarters but whups, only Amanda is there.

Kirk: "Mrs. Sarek, I'm sorry to disturb you. I must speak to your husband."

Amanda: "Well he's been gone for some time. It's his habit to meditate in private before retiring. What's wrong? Spock?"

_(((Does this have anything to do with him promising pork chops for dinner before he left?)))_

Sarek enters.

Sarek: "Do you want something of me, captain?"

Kirk: "Ambassador, the Tellurite Garv has been murdered."

McCoy: "His neck was broken, Mr. Ambassador, by what Spock describes as tal-shaya."

They're right in the middle of figuring out if Sarek was the pig killer when Sarek suddenly collapses. McCoy thinks it's got something to do with his heart but he's not sure yet. Meanwhile, Spock is doing a crap at looking like he's not worried sick.

Transition to later, on the bridge. Spock is looking into the scanner while Kirk watches him with a concerned expression.

_(((This would be where the obligatory "Kirk, control your Vulcan ass-gazing for two seconds" goes, and those jokes are all in good fun, but I believe we can all agree that Kirk isn't actually checking out Spock's ass. He's worried as hell over how Spock is doing and, really, that's even lovelier.)))_

Kirk gets up and walks over to Spock.

Kirk: "Spock…"

Spock: "Yes, captain, I get sensor readings of _(insert complicated name of something here)_ from the alien ship's hull."

_(((Translation: For the love of god I do not want to talk about my dad right now.)))_

Kirk: "I'm sorry about your father."

Spock: "Yes, it could adversely affect our mission."

Kirk: "Aren't you worried about him?"

Spock: "Worry is a human emotion, captain."

_(((I therefore feel it tremendously.)))_

Spock: "I accept what has happened."

There's a beat, and Spock sits.

Spock: "Ship's hull seems to have a high density level or is cloaked against sensor probes. It is manned, but censors cannot make out specifics."

Kirk: "…I see. Well, the Romulans have nothing like it, certainly not the Federation or neutral planets. What about Klingon?"

_(((Kirk's shift between "I see" and "Well, the Romulans" is important. His "I see" was barely audible, and an admission of understanding why Spock is all business right now. It took him a second, but Kirk now gets that Spock is burying himself in work to avoid things right now. The way Kirk changes his tone from soft to business is a clear indication that he'll go along with it. Whether his indulgence is temporary or forever is something we don't know yet._

_As of right now, though, Kirk is opting to help Spock feel comfortable and deal with this situation on his terms.)))_

Spock: "I think it unlikely it is one of theirs."

Kirk: "Who, then?"

Uhura speaks up to say she's picking up a transmission and Chekov confirms it's coming from the unknown ship. After a second, Uhura finds out the receiving end of the transmission is somewhere on board the Enterprise. _Now_ Kirk is a little annoyed and gives out the orders to figure exactly who the hell is communicating with the vessel.

Cut to Kirk, Spock and Amanda arriving in sick bay to check on Sarek.

Kirk: "How is he?"

McCoy: "As far as I can tell from instrument readings, our prime suspect has a malfunction in one of the heart valves. It's similar to a heart attack in a human, but with Vulcan physiology it's impossible to tell without an operation. Mrs. Sarek, has he had any previous attacks?"

Amanda: "No."

Sarek: "Yes."

_(((Whups.)))_

Sarek: "There were three others. My physician prescribed bengasydrine for the condition.'

Amanda: "Why didn't you tell me?"

Sarek: "There was nothing you could have done."

_(Except provide emotional supp- wait.)))_

Sarek then reveals that one of the attacks happened while the Space Pig was getting Space Killed but, alas, no witnesses.

Spock and Sarek actually agree on something, which is the particular type of surgery that should be done. Unfortunately, the procedure requires a ton of blood and they simply don't have enough. Spock's blood type is a match, and even though his blood contains human elements they can be filtered out. McCoy makes the point that Spock giving so much blood would, you know, _kill him_. Before Spock can respond, Kirk calls McCoy off and walks over to Amanda who isn't necessarily having the greatest time ever. The odds of getting enough are slim, to say the least.

A little later, Spock and McCoy are arguing about possible solutions. There's a stimulant used to speed up a person's production of blood but it's only been tested on a species _similar_ to Vulcans and still carries it's own complications. Plus, there's the tiny fact that McCoy has never actually dove into a Vulcan's squishy bits before.

McCoy tells Amanda the stimulant would kill Sarek in his current condition, leading to Spock suggesting _he_ take the stimulant and transfer the blood into Sarek. It could possibly kill Spock, of course, but that hardly matters to him.

McCoy says no, Amanda says hell no, but Spock points out they don't exactly have any other option. Spock leaves and, oh yeah, Kirk is fighting one of the blue Snork aliens to the death.

The tussle leads to Kirk literally getting stabbed in the back before he knees the Snork in the face.

_(((UM EXCUSE ME WHO SAID KIRK COULD GET STABBED?_

_FIX IT.)))_

Kirk barely has time to contact Spock on the bridge before he passes the fuck out.

Back from commercial. McCoy and Spock stand over Kirk in sick bay, only feet from Sarek.

_(((Kirk, by the way, has his chest wrapped in a bandage covered in glitter because reasons.)))_

McCoy says the knife punctured a lung, and Spock says he'll be interrogating the Snork jackass if he's needed. Chapel says one of Sarek's levels is dropping, and McCoy goes to Sarek's bedside. Spock stays by Kirk for a second and stares even as he starts moving to leave.

_(((That description is accurate, by the way. _

_Also, something's up with his dying father and he doesn't move. He stares at Kirk._

_That should be a slightly good indicator of exactly how much Spock gives a damn about his captain.)))_

McCoy says Sarek's gotten worse and they have to operate _now_. Spock refuses.

_(((…what?)))_

See, Spock has to take command of the ship now because regulations dictate Starfleet comes before all else. He can't even put Scotty in charge because the rules don't allow for personal privilege in this case. His hands are tied.

_(((Tied by fucking maddening LOGIC, but still tied.)))_

Spock is talking to an older Snork about the younger Snork who tried to kill Kirk. The older Snork says their people have no beef with Kirk, Spock can't find any logic in the attack, the older Snork suggests the attack was one of passion, and a transition later we're in Spock's quarters.

Amanda enters.

Amanda: "Spock, you must turn command over to somebody else."

Spock: "Mother, when I was commissioned I took an oath to carry out responsibilities which were clearly and exactly specified."

Amanda: "Any competent officer can command this ship. Only you can give your father the blood transfusion that he needs to live."

Spock: "Any competent officer can command this ship under normal circumstances. The circumstances are not normal. We're carrying over one hundred valuable Federation passengers, we're being pursued by an alien ship, we're subject to possible attack, there has been murder and attempted murder on board. I cannot displace my duties."

Amanda: "Duty? Your duty is to your father!"

Spock: "I know, but this must take precedence."

_(((Careful, Spock, you may be turned away from your mom in a soap opera fashion but _we_ can still see the subtle signs of guilt in that last line.)))_

Spock: "If I could give the transfusion without loss of time or efficiency, I would. Sarek understands my reason."

Amanda: "Well, I don't. It's not human. Oh, that's not a dirty word, you're human too. Let that part of you come through. Your father's dying."

_(((Good luck, lady, Kirk has been trying to get Spock's human side out and proud for over a season and a half now and you don't have his dimples.)))_

Spock: "Mother, how can you have lived on Vulcan so long, married a Vulcan, raised a son on Vulcan, without understanding what it means to be a Vulcan?"

Amanda: "Well, if this is what it means, I don't want to know."

Spock: "It means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life that's logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain may be."

Amanda: "Nothing is as important as your father's life."

Spock: "Can you imagine what my father would say if I were to agree, if I were to give up command of this vessel, jeopardize hundreds of lives, risk interplanetary war, all for the live of one person?"

_(((So, he wants to make his father proud even if it means his death? I can't decide if he's the greatest son or the worst son.)))_

Amanda makes one last bid for Spock's emotional side, bringing up Spock's childhood being tormented for not "really" being a Vulcan.

_(((Weren't gay guys regarded as not "really" men back in the day?_

_That's half insinuation, half real question.)))_

As she's begging, Spock is looking more and more guilty. Even though she swears to hate him forever, he refuses one final time…and she slaps him right across the face.

_(((Oh no yeah that's fine his dad is dying his future space husband is dying there's an unsolved homicide on a ship with 347813489 ambassadors let's just add MOTHER'S ETERNAL HATRED onto the heap nbd nbd.)))_

Amanda leaves in a huff, and all Spock can do is go the door and place his hand on it.

_(((I didn't need my heart anyway.)))_

Meanwhile, Kirk is conscious in sickbay.

Kirk: "I'd like to get my hands on the guy with the sledgehammer."

Chapel: "The one who hit you?"

Kirk: "No, the one inside my head."

_(((Welp, need another rimshot.)))_

Kirk: "How long have I…"

Kirk tries to sit up, but can't. He lays back down and sighs.

McCoy: "Now let that be a lesson to you. Just lie there and be happy you're still alive."

_((()))_

McCoy fills Kirk in on the whole Spock-won't-do-the-transfusion-until-you're-better-even-if-it-kills-Sarek thing.

Kirk: "I can't condemn him for his loyalty…"

_(((::snerk:: )))_

Kirk: "..for doing his duty, but I'm not gonna let him commit patricide."

Kirk tries to sit up again, and this time he manages to make it to a sitting position.

McCoy: "Jim, if you stand you could start to bleed again."

_(((Not to mention the fact that you _punctured a lung_ and can barely even sit up.)))_

Sarek is half awake now.

Kirk: "Bones, Sarek will die without that operation and you can't operate without transfusions from Spock. I'll convince Spock I'm all right and order him to report here. As soon as he leaves the bridge, I'll turn command over to Scotty and report to my quarters. Will that fill your prescription?"

_(((Kirk is gonna play healed so Spock can save his father._

_Obviously, I can't point and say "Because of this it is clear Kirk wants to know Spock in the biblical sense," but I can still keysmash from the devotion._

_So._

_.)))_

Cut to the bridge. Kirk shows up with McCoy right behind him. He walks (stiffly) over to the captain's chair, where Spock is sitting. Spock, needless to say, is a bit surprised.

Spock: "Captain…"

Kirk: "I'll take over, Mr. Spock. Report to sickbay with Dr. McCoy."

Spock: "Captain, are you quite all right?"

McCoy: "I certified him physically fit, Mr. Spock. Now, since I have an operation to perform and both of us are required…"

Spock looks at Kirk. He's skeptical, to say the least.

Kirk: "Get out, Spock."

Spock is still skeptical.

Kirk flashes a smile.

Spock arches an eyebrow and gets out of the chair.

_(((I told you, Amanda. You don't have his dimples.)))_

Spock turns back to say something, but Kirk cuts him off by giving out some orders to show how much not-pain he's in. Spock and McCoy leave just as Kirk is sitting in his chair. He immediately orders for Scotty to come to the bridge.

_(((And in a strained voice, no less.)))_

But whups, the alien vessel has started moving cloer. Kirk cancels the order and opts to stay in command.

_(((WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TAKE COMMAND OF THE ENTERPRISE THAT DOESN'T HAVE A LIFE HANGING IN THE BALANCE?_

_IT'S STRESSING ME **OUT**.)))_

Another transmission is made from the alien vessel to the Enterprise, and this time Uhura can tell the message is going to the brig.

Meanwhile, the transfusion and Sarek's operation are underway. Spock sits up suddenly.

Chapel: "Mr. Spock!"

McCoy: "Where do you think you're going?"

Spock: "I must see the captain."

_(((Oh?)))_

McCoy: "My patients don't walk out in the middle of an operation."

Spock: "The alien ship. I just realized if their power utilization curve…"

_(((Oh.)))_

Chapel gives Spock a hypospray of Shut The Fuck Up And Save Your Dad's Life.

In the brig, a redhisrt is searching the Snork for communication devices. Apparently the Snork doesn't want to be searched anymore so he starts putting up a fight until another redshirt shoots him with a phaser that is hopefully set on stun. The Snork falls to the ground and one of his antennae fall off. One of the redshirts contact Kirk to report that the communication device was hidden in the antenna.

Kirk orders the Snork be brought to the bridge.

The alien vessel fires. Well, fuck.

While Kirk battles the vessel, sickbay is getting shaken around. It's not good for a guy undergoing surgery to bounce so, you know…possible death.

Sarek's heart stops.

The Fancy Trapezoid of Surgical Procedures shorts out, so they have to revive Sarek with the portable version.

The Snork arrives on the bridge.

Kirk orders that one part of the ship be shut down, and is about to do the same with another part. During this, Kirk surmises that the Snork is just a spy surgically altered to look like a Snork so he could get on board and stir shit up.

Snork: "Speculation, captain."

Kirk has the other side of the ship shut down and the bridge goes dark. They wait.

Snork: "What are you doing?"

Kirk grins slightly before replying.

Kirk: "_You_ speculate."

_(((Immediately run cool water over burn.)))_

The Enterprise continues to play dead.

Snork: "You're baiting him. You're trying to lure them in."

Kirk looks from the Snork to the viewing screen like "Yeah, I know."

_(((And sets fire to loins everywhere.)))_

Kirk fires when the moment is right, and the vessel is incapacitated.

_(((All with a recently punctured lung._

_You cannot BAMF harder than this man.)))_

Kirk has the power turned back on.

Kirk (to Uhura): "Lieutenant, open the hailing frequency. If they wish to surrender…"

The vessel explodes.

_(((…now is probably a bad time.)))_

The Snork reveals the vessel had orders to self-destruct and so does he, what with the slow-acting poison he was dosed with from the beginning.

_((Whatever species he is really doesn't like living.)))_

Kirk tries to have the Snork escorted to sickbay but whups, dead Snork. Kirk leaves Chekov in charge and heads to sickbay himself.

Kirk semi-limps into sickbay and sees McCoy.

McCoy: "Are you quite through shaking the ship around?"

_(((McCoy just did an operation on a species he's not familiar with while the whole ship was shaking and he sounds like he'd just swatted a fly._

_There's a reason I call them The BAMF Trio, guys. _

_Seriously.)))_

Kirk: "Spock, Sarek. How are they?"

McCoy: "Well, I don't mind telling you: you sure make it difficult to for a surgeon trying to-"

Kirk: "Bones!"

_(((Haaaaaaaa, Kirk does not appreciate your good humored snark right now, McCoy.)))_

Amanda pops up and tells Kirk to come on in. McCoy follows.

Spock provides some exposition, with the help of Sarek and Kirk, explaining that the Snork was an Orion sent to fuck shit up so they continue to mine Karridan and supply both sides of the dispute. Spock also points out how the vessel was freakishly strong because they were sent on a suicide mission, therefore being free to use up all of their power at once.

Spock: "The only thing I don't understand is why I didn't think of it earlier."

Kirk: "You might have had something else on your mind."

Everyone looks at Spock.

Spock: "Hardly seems likely."

Kirk fights back a smile.

Kirk: "No, but thank you anyway."

_(((Waaaaaaait just a minute. Allow me to translate the last couple of lines:_

_Spock: Why didn't I figure everything out earlier?_

_Kirk: Because you were so worried about me._

_Spock: Hm, no…that can't be it._

_Kirk: Of course not, but thanks anyway._

_It's the "thank you anyway" that lets us know Kirk was talking about Spock's worry for him and not, say, Spock's own father. Spock either picked up on it and decided to play the tease, or genuinely does not think he had anything on his mind. This is Spock, so either is possible._

_The point is: This moment was Kirk saying "Oh you were worried about me so you were preoccupied" and Spock saying "Nope," to which Kirk fights back a fond smile and plays along._

_Kirk has now gotten to the point where he flirts right in front of Spock's parents._

_You have no shame, Kirk._

_Keep it that way.)))_

Amanda tries to get Sarek to thank Spock for saving his life, but Sarek simply says what Spock did was logical. Amanda's had it up to here with logic.

Spock: "Emotional, isn't she?"

Sarek: "She has always been that way."

Spock: "Indeed. Why did you marry her?"

Sarek: "At the time it seemed the logical thing to do."

_(((Ain't no banter dry enough.)))_

Amanda and Sarek touch fingertips while Kirk goes weak because, you know, punctured lung. McCoy gets Kirk into his sickbay bed and says he'll be out in two days if he behaves, ten if he doesn't. Then Spock pops up like he's gonna go back to work and McCoy tells him to stay put.

_(((It's like herding cats around here. _

_Well, herding Starfleet officers, but still.)))_

Kirk: "Dr. McCoy, I believe you're enjoying all this."

Spock: "Indeed, captain. I've never seen him look so happy."

McCoy: "Shut up!"

Kirk goes to say something and McCoy shushes him.

_(((Dying.)))_

Nobody says anything.

McCoy: "Well, what do you know? I finally got the last word."

_(((Ouch. So close to ending on a good note there, Star Trek. So close.)))_

**The Score of Pigs in Space:**

Random Crewman Body Count – 22

**Times Kirk rips/loses/has no shirt – 13**

Times Spock is injured – 7

Times Kirk Kissed a Woman While Driven By an Ulterior Motive/Controlled by Other Force – 6

Times Kirk outsmarts computer – 5

Times the Ship is Taken Over/Hostage – 5

Times the Transporter Breaks/Malfunctions – 4

Times Kirk completely ignores/resists a pretty woman when he has no 'reason' to – 4

Kirk Taken Hostage/Prisoner – 4

Kirk and/or Company Play Dress Up to Fit in with Their Surroundings – 4

Times god-like being is featured – 3

Time Travel is Featured/Discovered – 3

**Times Kirk is injured – 4**

Times a disease threatens the crew – 3

Times Immortality is Found – 3

Times Kirk Honestly Kissed a Woman – 2.5

**Times Spock uses the Vulcan salute– 4 **

Times Someone Says 'Live Long and Prosper' – 2

Pointless Rolls – 2

Times Kirk is put in a ridiculous machine – 2

Times an Alternate/Parallel Universe is Featured – 2

Times they land on an "Earth-like" planet – 2

Times Kirk "Dies" – 1

Times Kirk offers himself instead of crew/ship – 1

_Next Episode: A Private Little War_


End file.
